Rick Warren's Blog, page 670

Love Forgives the Hurt

"Hate stirs up trouble, but love forgives all offenses." (Proverbs 10:12 TEV)

Proverbs 10:12 says, "Hate stirs up trouble, but love forgives all offenses" (TEV). Which of the "all" have you not let go? Which of the offenses in your life are you still holding on to?

Maybe as a child you were hurt by an adult - a teacher, a family member, maybe even your parents. The Bible says that there will be severe judgment for child abuse, neglect, and abandonment; one day God is going to settle the score on that. When God says, "Honor your father and mother," he's not saying honor their sins or their selfishness or their poor decisions. He's not saying ignore the pain in your life and put on a happy face and pretend everything's great.

So what does God expect? How does he expect you to love the destructive people who've hurt you?

He doesn't expect you to ignore it. He doesn't expect you to pretend it doesn't exist. He's not asking you to gloss over it or deny it or repress it or make excuses for the people who've hurt you.

God doesn't want you to fake it; he wants you to face it, because you can't forgive until you face it. You've got to stop running, and you've got to stop blaming.

If you're going to become the loving woman or man that God wants you to be, you're going to have to deal now with the destruction someone's caused in your past. If you're still angry with a parent or anybody else, you're still allowing that person to control you.

Don't allow that any more. You've got to deal with the anger. You've got to face it before you can forgive it.

The Bible says in Proverbs 19:11, "When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it." But you can't ignore it until you face it and forgive it! Then you can let it go. Love lets it go.

We know that "love keeps no record of being wronged" (1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT). I don't know who you need to forgive, but I do know today's the day. Love lets it go. Love forgives. Because they deserve it? No. Because it's what God did for you, and it's the only way to be free.

Talk It Over

Who are the people in your life who have hurt you and who you need to forgive?

What does forgiveness change about the hurt that happened? What does it change about you? Your future?

How does Proverbs 19:11 change how you will react to hurt in the future?

Don't Repeat the Hurt. Delete It!

"Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop." (Mark 11:25 AMP)

When people hurt us, we have two natural tendencies: remember and retaliate.

But that's not what 1 Corinthians 13:5 tell us to do: "Love keeps no record of being wronged" (NLT).

So how should you respond to the people who have hurt you? How do you handle all of those wounds and hurts that you've stockpiled in your memory?

You don't repeat them; you delete them. Let it go. Forgive, and get on with your life.

When we get hurt, we tend to repeat that hurt in three ways: emotionally in our minds, relationally as a weapon, and practically by telling other people.

First, we repeat it by going over and over it in our mind. But resentment is self-destructive. It only perpetuates the pain. It never heals. It never solves anything. Whatever you think about most is what you move toward. If all you think about is how much you've been hurt in the past, you'll only move toward the past. But if you focus on the future, you move toward the future. If you focus on potential, you move toward the potential.

Second, we repeat our hurt in relationships. We use it as wedges and weapons. "Remember when you did that?" "But you did this!"

The Bible says in Proverbs 17:9, "Love forgets mistakes. Nagging about them parts the best of friends" (LB). It also parts marriages and every other relationship you have. Nagging doesn't work.

Third, we repeat our hurt by telling it to other people. It's called gossip! We tell everybody else except God and the person with whom we have the problem.

Did you know that God hates gossip? He hates it as much as he hates pride, because that's what gossip is. Gossip is pure and simple ego - trying to make ourselves look and feel better. Every time you share gossip, you are being prideful, and God hates pride and gossip.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn't repeat a wound so that it turns into resentment or gossip or pride. Love responds to hurt by letting it go.

"Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop" (Mark 11:25 AMP).

Talk It Over

What hurt have you rehearsed over and over in your mind that you need to let go of today?

Why do you think it's easier to nag about a mistake rather than forgive it? Is it really easier in the long run?

What do you need to change about the way you respond to gossip?

Right + Rude = Wrong

"Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin, too." (Galatians 6:1 NCV)

Everybody in your life is going to disappoint you at some point. Why? Because nobody's perfect!

So how do you deal with disappointing people? How does love respond when people disappoint us?

The Bible says in Galatians 6:1, "Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin, too" (NCV).

The loving response to people who disappoint you is to be gentle, not judgmental.

How do you have tough conversations with people in a gentle way? How do you confront people you love when you see they're doing something they shouldn't be doing? The Bible tells us to do it gently and with respect, not harshly or in a rude or mean way.

Here's a little equation to keep in mind: Right + Rude = Wrong.

It doesn't matter if you're right. If you're rude about it, nobody's going to care what you have to say. They're just going to get defensive! So you should respond in a gentle and loving way if you want to get through to someone who has disappointed you.

Proverbs 15:4 says, "Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit" (NLT).

We always have a choice how we speak to somebody - especially with our kids. Have you found how deeply hurtful words can wound a child? You can scar them for years. But the Bible says that kind words are words that will heal and help. So when your kids mess up, don't get on their case and tell them whatever you think they are at the moment. Give them a vision of how things could be! Speak words of life and health and hope into them, not harsh words of judgment. Be gentle.

It's the same way in our marriages. How many marriage problems could be avoided if we just waited a beat and used words that are gentle and kind and not harsh or vindictive? We need to learn to cut each other some slack and be kind and gentle in our speech and responses.

Talk It Over

What is your typical response when you have to deal with someone when you know you were right about the situation?

If you were to evaluate your daily speech, how much of it would you say is gentle?

Think of a time when someone disappointed you. How would a gentle response have diffused the problem and affected the outcome for the better?

Love Lets It Go

"A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense." (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)

There are people in life who always want their way. They've got a right way and a wrong way to do something, and your way is always the wrong way. When you don't meet their standards, they're going to let you know about it. And it always seems you can never quite please them.

So, how do you respond in love to demanding people?

The Bible tells us that patience comes from perspective: "A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense" (Proverbs 19:11 NIV). The more you understand a person - his background, battles, and burdens - the more patient you're going to be with him.

We often look at people and go, "Look how far they have to go." But we don't stop and say, "I wonder how far they've come?" Maybe they were raised in a family where they had no model of kindness or courtesy. Maybe they grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and it's a miracle, really, that they made it this far.

What are the burdens they're carrying? They may be sick. They may have a family issue. They may have just lost their job. There are all kinds of battles and burdens people carry that you and I don't know about.

Proverbs 19:11 tells us to overlook offenses. Do you overlook offenses or are you offended by offenses? Are you so touchy and irritable that anybody who looks at you funny or forgets to say something or doesn't see you offends you? Love lets it go.

The Bible says, "Do to others as you would have them do to you" (Luke 6:31). Love is understanding, not demanding - and it's what you would want others to do to you when you're having a bad day or don't feel well or are carrying heavy burdens.

Does that mean you're just supposed to let people run over you? Do you just let them push you around? Do you act like a doormat, cave in, and let them say whatever they want?

No. Here's the key: Be tender without surrender. Jesus never caved in to manipulators - the religious leaders and Pharisees who were extremely demanding and legalistic. They had all kinds of demands that they themselves couldn't even keep. But Jesus did not let demanding people push him into a corner. He was tender without surrender. That's what you call love in action.

Talk It Over

Spend today considering what people around you might be struggling with, or even take the time to ask them. How does it change your perspective? Your attitude? Your response to others?

Why do you think it's so hard for us to "let it go"? Why do we have to have the last word?

What would need to change about your response to people to be tender without surrender?

Love Is Tactful, Not Just Truthful

"A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is." (Proverbs 16:21 TEV)

Have you noticed how many difficult people there are in the world? Do you feel like you have to deal with most of them some days?

You know what rude acts bug me the most? People who call me and then say, "Who is this?" People who honk their horns in traffic jams. People who cheat in the 10-items-or-less grocery line. People who steal your parking spot.

The list goes on, and I'm sure you can relate. So, how should we respond in love to difficult people?

Proverbs 16:21 says, "A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is" (TEV).

The more pleasant you are, the more persuasive you are. And, you're never persuasive when you're abrasive. Nagging doesn't work.

The way you say something determines the way it's received. If you say something offensively, it's going to be received defensively. That's why love is all about your words. Love is truthful, but it is also tactful.

Tact and tone always go together. It matters the way you say something, not just what you say. You can say something very difficult for someone to hear, but if you say it in the right tone - a loving tone - it will be received much better.

A loving response to a difficult person requires you to be pleasant and tactful. If you want to be below that difficult person, attack him. If you want to be even with him, get even with him. But if you want to respond the way Jesus would, show that person love with the words you say and the way you say them.

Talk It Over

You may have heard the saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Do you think the best response to a difficult person is ever to just walk away? Why or why not?

What would you need to change about your attitude to be known as a "wise, mature person"?

What does it mean to be tactful?

Help Each Other with Your Faith

"Help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you." (Romans 1:12 NCV)

There are people all around you with low self-esteem, because everybody has insecurities.

In fact, studies have shown that the younger you are when you first experience rejection, the more serious implications it has in your life. It's almost like a curse when people say, "You're not going to amount to anything. You don't matter."

How do you reverse a curse? You start believing what Jesus says about you instead of believing what other people say about you. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:7, "If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him" (LB).

Jesus wants you to believe in others the way he believes in you. Jesus affirmed people around him. When he looked at people, he saw their potential and what God intended them to be. He brought out the best in people not by labeling them but by saying, "I believe you can do it. I know you can do it."

Look at this series of verses:

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20 NIV).

"Everything is possible for one who believes." (Mark 9:23b).

"Then Jesus told them, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do things like this and much more." (Matthew 21:21 NLT).

"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father." (John 14:12).

How is that possible? When Jesus Christ was physically on Earth, he could only be in one place at one time. Now, Jesus puts the Holy Spirit in me and you and anyone who believes in Jesus Christ as Savior. Jesus believes you can do great works because you have the Holy Spirit in you. He believes in you!

Jesus wants you to believe in others, too, and express to them the potential you see in them to do great things for God.

"Help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you." (Romans 1:12 NCV).

Talk It Over

What are the insecurities that keep you from believing in yourself the way Jesus believes in you?

What are some ways you can express to others that you believe in them?

How can you increase your faith so that you can reach the potential Christ sees in you? How can you help others increase their faith?

Love Looks, and Love Listens

"Treat everyone you meet with dignity." (1 Peter 2:17 MSG)

Loving like Jesus means you must value others the way Jesus values you.

You are a child of the king. God created you, and Christ gave his life for you. The Bible says in 1 Peter 1:19, "The ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ" (NLT). How much are you worth? Look at the cross. Jesus was willing to die for you. God was willing to give his Son for you. That's how valuable you are.

Jesus wants you to give that kind of value to everybody else - even the people you can't stand. Christ says, "I love them this much (arms spread wide on the cross). So I expect you, my child, to love these people the same way I love them because I died for them, not just you. Treat them the same way I treat them. Value them the way I value them."

The Bible says, "Treat everyone you meet with dignity" (1 Peter 2:17 MSG).

How do you do that? One way you treat others with dignity is by looking at them, giving them your attention, and listening to them.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Mark 10:21. Jesus was walking down the street, and a young entrepreneur came up to him and asked him a question. Jesus' response was that he "looked at him and loved him" (NIV). He looked, and he loved. You can't love without looking!

When your waitress serves you or the grocery store cashier tries to speak with you and you don't give them your attention, you're not being very loving. Love looks, and love listens.

Think of and even write down the name of someone you know who has low self esteem. Then, determine this week to show acceptance to that person and affirm his or her value to you and to God. When everybody else treats that person like an outcast or like she doesn't matter, you can make her feel like she matters, because she does. She matters to God, so she should matter to you.

Talk It Over

Who in your life needs to know that he or she matters to God and to you?

How would you rate yourself at giving others your undivided attention? What will you do to improve in this area?

Make a point today to give your attention to someone you might normally overlook. What is that person's reaction?

Acceptance Is Not Approval

"The Father gives me the people who are mine. Every one of them will come to me, and I will always accept them." (John 6:37 NCV)

Followers of Jesus ought to be the most accepting people in the world. John 6:37 says, "The Father gives me the people who are mine. Every one of them will come to me, and I will always accept them" (NCV).

You may have accepted Christ into your life, but do you understand that he's accepted you? He doesn't love you because of who you are or what you've done but because of who he is.

Titus 3:7 says, "Jesus treated us much better than we deserve. He made us acceptable to God and he gave us the hope of eternal life" (CEV). How does he make you acceptable? It's not that you changed or got any better. It's not that you never sin. It's by his grace alone.

God wants you to show grace and acceptance to other people, but the problem is most people don't know the difference between acceptance and approval. They are very, very different. Jesus Christ accepts you completely, but that doesn't mean he approves of everything you do.

One day Jesus was walking down the street when some religious leaders who were trying to trap him brought a woman to him who had been caught in adultery. Jesus looked at all of the accusers and said, "Anybody who has never sinned, you get to throw the first stone." And of course they all walked away.

What did Jesus do? He gave acceptance, not approval. He didn't approve of what she had done, but he accepted the woman and restored her dignity.

That's what you need to do with the people around you. You don't have to go around approving of everything everybody does. But you do have to accept them, because that is a mark of love.

The Bible says in Romans 15:7, "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you" (NIV).

How do you do that? One of the ways you can show acceptance to other people is to listen to them. Love pays attention. Love listens to the fears and the doubts of others and treats them with respect. Love accepts others the way Jesus accepts you.

Talk It Over

How does understanding God has accepted you change the way you view others and the choices they make?

What is it about your past or personality that keeps you from fully embracing God's acceptance?

How can you show love to others of whom you do not approve?

The Best Time to Love Is Now

"Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now." Proverbs 3:27-28 (GN)

The best time to love is now - not tomorrow. Not later. Not someday. Not one of these days. Not when you get around to it. Not soon. Now.

I don't understand all these people who say, "I'm going to save all my money, and when I die, I'm going to give it away to charity."

Why do that? Why not enjoy giving? Why not get the joy of giving by doing it now? Whatever you're going to give of yourself, give it now!

Years ago, we received a check at Saddleback from a couple who knew we needed to upgrade our worship center from analog to digital and replace equipment that was more than 15 years old. The check was for half a million dollars, and it had a note with it that said, "It'd be great to have some new carpet, too."

Those people got a whole lot more joy out of giving now rather than after they're dead. This is why I say, "Do your givin' while you're livin,' then you're knowin' where it's goin.'" And, it will give you joy!

The Bible says, "Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now" Proverbs 3:27-28 (GN).

Never procrastinate in showing love. Don't delay. Don't put it off. Do it now.

Talk It Over

What do you need to do today to show love to someone in your life?

What are the distractions or excuses that keep you from loving well now?

What is it that God is asking you to give now that you have put off?

Express Your Love with Your Time

"We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words." 1 John 3:18 (GW)

We all have different amounts of energy, wealth, and talent, but we all have the exact same amount of time: 168 hours a week. You can always get more money, but you can't get more time. You only have a certain amount of allotted days, so you have to decide: What is your time worth?

The most valuable thing you can give someone is your attention, because when you give attention to somebody you're saying, "You matter to me. You are valuable. You are worth listening to. You are worth my time."

Jesus said that the essence of relationships is not what we do for each other or the things we give to each other. The essence of true, loving relationships is how much we give of ourselves to another person.

The second law of love is this: The best expression of love is time.

The Bible says in 1 John 3:18, "We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words" (GW).

I can't tell you how many husbands and dads I've talked to who've said, "I don't get it, Rick. I give my family everything they need. I'm a good provider. We live a very comfortable life. What more do they want?"

I'll tell you what they want: They want you!

Only you can give them your time. Nothing can compensate for time - no amount of gifts, money, or clothes. Kids don't need things; they need parents. Another video game is not the answer. They need you!

How do you find more time for the people who love you and that you need to love?

Let me give you one suggestion: Turn off the TV and the computer. It's always amazed me that people will watch reruns of "Friends" instead of making friends or watch reality shows about somebody else's family instead of working on the reality of their own family.

Ephesians 5:2 says, "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God" (NLT).

Love means giving up. It means I give up my agenda for your agenda. It means I give up my time for your time. It means I give up my preference for your preference. It means I give up what I'd rather do right now to do what you'd rather do right now. That is a sacrifice. That is love.

Talk It Over

What are some of the ways you can show love to your family and friends this week through giving your time?

What changes do you need to make in your schedule so that you have more time to demonstrate your love through action?

What have you learned about love from following the example of Christ?