Rick Warren's Blog, page 669

How to Show Love to a Demanding or Selfish Person

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

Love can be absolutely exhausting. Don't let anyone fool you. The kind of love that really makes a difference in this world will zap everything out of you.

Sometimes you just don't feel like you have any more love to give. Maybe you're in a people-intensive job, such as teacher, salesman, or waitress, and you come home and think, "I just can't face another need, another problem, or another heartache." So you just shut down.

Or you need to show love to a particular person who is demanding, selfish, and never returns your love. And you just think to yourself, "I'm done. No more."

While that's perfectly natural and perfectly human, it's not the standard of love God calls us to in the Bible. The Bible says, "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT). Love never gives up.

How can you have that kind of persistent love for another person? You get refueled.

When my kids were young, I remember taking the family to a nearby air show. It was so impressive to see how they would hook up a tanker to a jet in flight to refuel. I'll never forget that.

But, can you imagine someone flying a jet saying, "I don't need to refuel!" The jet would crash and burn. In a long distance flight, a jet has to refuel.

To give the kind of persistent love that God wants you to give, you have to refuel your love tank. Look around at society, and you'll see it's littered with debris from relationships that have crashed and burned because people didn't refuel their love.

How do you refuel your love tank? You start by letting God love you. "We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19 (NIV). When you're worn out, tired, and can't imagine showing love to anyone else, remember that God loved you so much that he sent his Son to die for you.

Now that's real fuel. That's what keeps you going when you want to quit.

Talk It Over

What do you need to do this week so you can refuel and love others well?

What are the characteristics of God's love that you can exemplify?

Who have you lost faith in or given up on? How can you show love to that person today?

Bring Your Love and Work to Together

"Do all your work in love." 1 Corinthians 16:14 (TEV)

The apostle Paul says, "Do all your work in love."

He doesn't say some of your work but all of your work. He also says that no matter "what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:3 (MSG).

The point is, any job can be turned into worship when it is built on the model of Christ's love; that love is expressed to co-workers, clients, and customers. Mother Teresa said, "It's not what you do so much that matters, but how much love you put into it."

Think about it like this: Two-thirds of the word "career" is C-A-R-E. The English philanthropist John Ruskin once said, "When love and skill come together, expect a masterpiece."

So, I want you to pray a prayer every day this week - whether it's at home or at school, in your backyard, or at an office or wherever you work. I want you to pray, "Father, today I want to worship you through my work. I want to express my gifts. I want to do it as if I'm doing it for you, and I want to do it in love."

"So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us I appeal to you: Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. This is the true worship that you should offer" (Romans 12:1 TEV).

Talk It Over

What do you think is the difference in ministry and work?

How would your co-workers characterize you by the way you treat others?

What are the gifts God has given you? How are you using your gifts in your work or career?

Love Expects the Best

"Love ... never stops hoping." 1 Corinthians 13:7b (GW)

Lasting love expects the best.

It's forward looking. It's optimistic. It's not stuck in the past. It's not always looking backward. Lasting love is hopeful. The Bible says, "Love ... never stops hoping" (1 Corinthians 13:7 GW). The Living Bible translation says love will "always expect the best." The Message paraphrase says love "always looks for the best." The poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning said, "Whoever loves believes in miracles."

Have you noticed that people tend to live up to your expectations of them? We shape the people around us by what we expect of them. You set people up all the time. You set your wife up by what you expect of her and what you don't expect of her. You set your friends up by what you expect and what you don't expect.

Whatever you want the people in your life to become, treat them that way - not the way they are.

Guys, you want your wife to treat you like a king? The solution is real simple: Treat her like a queen. Emphasize the positive. Forget the nagging. Tell it like it is? No. Tell it like it can be. Start expecting the best from each other.

A family in our church went over to Chili's after one weekend service. The waitress was very kind and asked their little boy, "Now, what would you like, sir?" After she took his order and walked away, he said, "Mommy, she treated me like I was a human!"

Love never stops hoping. Love expects the best.

Talk It Over

How have you seen your high expectations met in others? What about low expectations?

From whom in your life do you need to expect the best?

What are the things you hope for in your relationships? Do you expect God to provide those things?

Love Always Trusts

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6 (NIV)

Lasting love doesn't just extend grace; it expresses faith. Faith and love are intertwined because love is built on trust. It says, "I believe in you. I trust you. I have confidence in you."

You cannot love someone you don't trust. So if you're going to love somebody, you have to not only extend him grace; you have to express faith. The Bible says, "Love ... never stops believing." 1 Corinthians 13:7b (GW). The New International Version says love "always trusts." The New Living Translation says love "never loses faith."

To be trusted is the greatest gift you can give somebody. When I was just 25 years old and living in Fort Worth, Texas, God put this crazy idea in my mind. I told Kay, "Honey, I think God wants us to move to Southern California and start a church. Here's the problem: We don't have any money, we don't have any members, we don't have any buildings, we don't have any sponsors, I don't know anybody in this city, and I've never been a senior pastor before. What do you think?"

I'll never forget what my wife said to me: "It scares me to death. But I believe in God, and I believe in you, so let's go for it."

I've often wondered how history would be different if my wife had said "No. I'm afraid. Let's not do it." There would be no Saddleback Church or 20,000 people baptized in the last 10 years. There would be no "Purpose Driven Life" or peace Plan. There would be no half a million pastors trained in a 162 countries. Our lives would be very different.

Wives, your husband is dying for you to say, "I trust you." It is more important than saying, "I love you" because when you say, "I trust you," you are saying, "I love you" - because love always trusts.

The Bible says in Galatians 5:6, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (NIV). Why? Because life is all about learning how to love. Lasting love extends grace and expresses faith.

Talk It Over

In whom do you need to express trust this week?

What are ways you can show someone and not just say that you trust him or her?

What are the fears that keep you from fully trusting in someone you love?

Show Some Grace

"Love never stops being patient." 1 Corinthians 13:7a (GW)

No relationship will make it without grace. This is part of lasting love! You've got to cut people some slack. You've got to let things go.

The Bible says, "Love never stops being patient." 1 Corinthians 13:7a (GW). The Message paraphrase of that verse says it "puts up with anything." The New Century Version says it "patiently accepts all things." And the New Jerusalem Bible translation says it is "always ready to make allowances." You have to allow for mistakes.

The word in Greek that says it's "always patient" is the word that literally means "covered with a roof." Would you buy a house without a roof? Of course not. You'd have no protection from the winds and the rain. A roof covers and protects your home.

In the same way, a patient, gracious love covers a relationship and lets some things slide. Why is this so important?

Because you're imperfect, and your spouse is imperfect. You're imperfect, and your friend is imperfect. Two imperfect people will never create a perfect relationship. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect friendship, so stop trying to find one.

Romans 3:10 says, "There is no one who always does what is right, not even one." The Bible also says, "If we say that we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." 1 John 1:8 (LB).

We have to extend grace to each other, because forgiveness is a two way street. You cannot receive what you are unwilling to give to other people.

If you're going to have a love that lasts, you've got to learn to make allowances for the mistakes of others. That's called grace.

Talk It Over

What is the difference in approving of others' mistakes and making allowances for their mistakes?

From whom have you sought forgiveness? Have you also been willing to offer it to that person?

How can you extend grace practically in your relationships today?

Anger Starts in the Heart

"Whatever is in your heart determines what you say." Matthew 12:34b (NLT)

A problem with anger isn't going to be solved by a trip to the doctor or an episode of "Dr. Phil" or a self-help book. The real secret to managing anger is God's power to change you on the inside. Romans 15:5 says, "May the patience and encouragement that come from God allow you to live in harmony with each other the way Christ Jesus wants" (NCV).

How does God help you with your bad habit of anger? He goes straight to the heart of the problem, which is a problem in the heart. Anger doesn't start in your behavior, your background, or your feelings. It starts in the heart.

The Bible says, "Whatever is in your heart determines what you say" (Matthew 12:34b NLT). Our mouths just betray what we're really like inside. Sometimes I hear people say something really mean or unkind and then they say, "Oh, I don't know what got into me. That's not like me."

Oh, yes it is! Your mouth just reveals what's in your heart. Someone's harsh tongue reveals an angry heart. When you meet somebody with a negative tongue, you know he's got a fearful heart. When someone has a boasting tongue, it reveals an insecure heart. Someone's judgmental tongue just exposes a guilty heart. Somebody with a filthy tongue has an impure heart.

On the other hand, if you find somebody who's always encouraging others, he has a happy heart. If he's always speaking in a gentle way, you know he's got a loving heart. If he's able to control his words, you know he's got a peaceful heart.

Are you satisfied with the words that naturally come out of your mouth? If not, then you need a heart transplant. You need a new heart! David says in Psalm 51:10, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (NIV).

If your heart is crying out inside, it's because you haven't ever fully received the warmth and security of a relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus can replace a hurting heart with his love. He cares about your pain, and he will help you heal so that your words give life and reveal the hope you have in Christ.

Talk It Over

What kind of speech comes most easily for you?

How do you want your words to affect other people? What do you need to change for that to happen?

Think about the people in your life who are natural encouragers. What can you learn from them?

A New Way of Thinking

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Romans 12:2 (NLT)

The way you express your anger is a learned response. You didn't just automatically choose it; somebody modeled it for you. Anger response is a learned response.

The good news is you can unlearn it. You don't have to stay that way. You can learn new patterns and habits. You don't have to keep perpetuating what your parents and their parents and their parents did. Every time you get angry in an inappropriate way, you're modeling it for your kids. You're teaching them how to do it the wrong way, and they're going to teach their kids how to do it the wrong way. Somebody has to stop the cycle!

The Bible says in Romans 12:2, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think" (NLT). What's the behavior of this world? Repress, express, and suppress.

Television and movies are filled with violent responses to people who are frustrated, hurt, or feel out of control. Kids learn from the models they observe. You don't want to teach your kids wrong ways to be angry.

The key to learning a new way to handle anger is in Romans 12:2: "changing the way you think."

If you want to change the way you act, you don't focus on the behavior. You don't even go back to the way you feel. You start by changing the way you think. When you change your mental process, it's going to change the way you feel, and it's going to change your behavior. You will be "transformed by the renewing of your mind."

That's what God does for you. He's the one who can change the destructive thought patterns in your mind and transform you into a new person.

Talk It Over

What patterns do you see in your family that have affected the way you respond to difficult situations?

How can you better model for your kids or others how to respond to people in loving ways?

In what other ways do you want God to transform you into a "new person"?

Reflect Before Reacting

"Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back." Proverbs 29:11 (GNT)

Have you noticed you can't put your foot in your mouth when it's closed?

Proverbs 29:11 says, "Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back" (GNT). One of the best tools for anger management is delay. Just wait a minute! Don't respond right away to that email that upset you. When someone says something mean to you, walk away if you have to.

This verse is basically the biblical basis for the term, "Chill out!" When you start to get angry, give yourself time to chill out. Take time to think and reflect. Delay is a great remedy to anger.

What do you do during the delay? There are three questions you need to ask when you're reflecting before reacting:

"Why am I angry?" The problem is not your anger. Anger is a symptom. Anger is the warning light.

"What do I really want?" What is it that you're not getting? What is the need that's being unfulfilled in your life?

"How can I get it?" How can you get what you want from what's irritating you? I guarantee you blowing up and losing your cool is not the best way to get what you want.

When something ticks you off or makes you mad, the Bible says to first resolve to manage it, then remember the cost of losing your temper, and then reflect before reacting.

Talk It Over

What character traits or features do you notice about people who are easily angered?

What do you think you should do with your answer to the question, "How can I get what I really want?"

How could remembering the cost of anger help you reflect before reacting?

The Cost of Anger

"The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left." Proverbs 11:29a (LB)

When you remember the cost of uncontrolled anger, you will be more motivated to manage it. You're less likely to get angry if you realize that there's always a price to anger.

How many of the verses below can you relate to?

"Hot tempers cause arguments." (Proverbs 15:18a GN).

"Anger causes mistakes." (Proverbs 14:29b LB).

"A hot-tempered man starts fights and gets into all kinds of trouble." (Proverbs 29:22).

How about this one?

"The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left." Proverbs 11:29a (LB).

You always lose when you lose your temper. You may lose your reputation, the respect of others, your job, a sale, or the love of your family. You can even lose your health. Your body was not designed to handle anger. God didn't mean for you to carry it around inside of you. When you do, you get sick. There are plenty of people who could leave the hospital today if they weren't carrying around in their hearts guilt, resentment, or anger.

There is always a cost to anger.

We often use anger to get people to do something. Why? Because it works - in the short term. Parents in particular learn pretty quickly that you can scare kids into doing something by getting angry with them. But the long-term effects are devastating. In the long run, there are always three price tags for anger: more anger, apathy, and alienation.

That's what's happened with a lot of our kids, particularly teenagers. They think, "I can't please my parents; they're always angry," so they become apathetic.

And if you keep getting angry, pretty soon they'll move toward alienation to protect themselves. Then, the relationship is broken.

Nothing destroys relationships faster than anger. You have the choice whether you're going to get angry with someone. Before you choose, consider the cost. Is it worth it?

Talk It Over

What do you think people hope to gain by getting angry?

How has anger affected your relationships? What has it cost you?

How has anger affected your health? How is resentment or unresolved anger taking a toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Anger Is a Choice

"Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back." �Proverbs 29:11 (NLT)

If you want to tame your temper, you must resolve to manage it.

You have to quit saying, "I can't control it!" and realize that you can. Just like love, anger is a choice. When you get angry, you choose to get angry. Nobody is forcing you to get angry. People say, "You make me so mad!" But nobody can make you mad without your permission. Anger is a choice, and you must choose to control it if you want to be a loving person.

You have far more control over your anger than you may want to admit. Let me give you an example.

Let's say you're at home and you're in an argument with somebody in your family. Your voices are raised, you're getting excited, and you're upset. All of a sudden, the phone rings, and you answer sweetly, "Hello? Oh, yes! It's for you honey!"

What happened? You didn't want to be embarrassed or have to explain, so you flipped your anger off real quick. Anger is highly controllable!

The Bible says in Proverbs 29:11, "Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back" (NLT). Do you want to be a foolish person or a wise person? How you respond to a situation is your responsibility and yours alone. Anger is a choice.

The time to decide to manage your anger is not when your blood pressure is rising, your adrenaline is shooting into your system, you can feel the flush in your face, and your muscles tense.

You've already lost the battle at that point.

Resolve to manage your anger in advance - before you go into that meeting or open the front door to home at the end of the day. You decide, "Today, I'm just not going to get angry. I'm not going to let it get to me." You manage your anger by first resolving - deciding in advance - that you're going to hold back your anger.

Talk It Over

What are some strategies you can use or have used to keep your anger in check?

What is a better way to respond to a situation that makes you angry? How can you get your message across without being foolish?

What do you think is the loving way to respond to someone who cannot control his or her anger?