Kate Larking's Blog: Anxiety Ink, page 57

Goals: Recap and Roundup

This has been a fantastic year in so many ways. Elisa already did her final goal check in of the year, so I’m going to hop onboard to take a look at the goals I set to start the year, and what I’ve accomplished since then.

The What Follows apocalyptic anthology happened. Despite numerous bumps and setbacks, it actually happened. (And my story in it is pretty awesome. So are Kate’s and Elisa’s. Please check it out!)

In other writing: I set a goal for myself of two novels and three short stories. At the time, I thought it was horribly ambitious, though still within the realm of possible. I prefer to set realistic goals, because I’m encouraged when I succeed and discouraged when I don’t.

Over the last year, I have discovered that, with the full-time day job and life, a rough draft of a novel takes me about six months to write. As awesome as it would be to whittle that time down, I doubt I lack that much discipline. And all in all, that’s not terribly shabby, considering everything else I’ve been doing.

Two novel drafts completed, as well as three short pieces. I listed the short stories in my last check-in posts, so I won’t make you read that again. As we speak, I am paragraphs away from the end of another short story, with two more buzzing around my brain.

The tally system has proved to be total magic. I have averaged just under one non-writing day per month. Even if I take one between now and the end of the year, that still means I wrote 353 days out of the year! How amazing is that?

In travel: Istanbul (happened), ReaderCon (happened), World Fantasy in DC (happened).

In balance: I will constantly struggle with this. I find equilibrium only to jump into another play or project or trip. But I’m fine with the lack of a magical formula now.

Yes, this has been a pretty great year.

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The Sense of a Place

Today’s topic was inspired by a great post over on Girl Tries Life about setting. I’ve covered writing about setting before, either discovering a place vicariously or the politics of choosing setting, but a particular sentence and caption Victoria wrote caught my eye and had me agreeing emphatically. “We all feel we know NYC from movies, TV and books, but does that mean we can write it?” And, “Setting is more than just the buildings on a map. It’s the sights, sounds, smells and energy of a place.”

As some of you know, Kate and I attended Sirens in Washington this year. We landed in Portland and met up with a local who is also a friend of Kate’s. Upon request, she provided us with a speedy yet amazing sight seeing tour in her little blue car. I’m a truck person, by the way. All cars are small to me.

Time was not on our side but I saw a lot of the places that will be integral to my WIP, which is set in Portland and the surrounding Colombia River Gorge. I got an idea of how downtown is constructed versus suburbia. I got an eyeful of architecture. I saw the different types of pedestrians as we went from neighbourhood to neighbourhood.

Prior to our trip I had done a ton of research on Portland. I had neighbourhood schematics, laws, and pictures, to name a few. I’d Google Mapped it to here and beyond in order to get an idea of the place. Looking out the car window and snapping pictures with my phone made me grin because I felt like it’d hit the nail squarely on the head.

Then we got out of the car.

We had to park ten blocks from Voodoo doughnut, our destination, due to some navigation issues as traffic got heavier. This little hike was eye opening beyond belief. Everything was safe and warm in the car. On foot? Completely different story.

Pictures can’t tell you how the air smells in certain places. That the mixing scents of different restaurants in some areas marry into a cloying stew that does not induce hunger. Mix in the humidity and I could feel it in my pores. Nor do images focus on the cigarette butts and gum that littered sidewalks. Or that downtown you can walk ten blocks and meet a dozen homeless people on your side of the street alone.

What was especially fascinating for me was that I didn’t feel safe there. But I know my main character wouldn’t have the same reaction about her safety at all. She’d notice everything else I did but her sense of safety wouldn’t be impacted like mine was.

Don’t get me wrong, Portland isn’t a bad or gross place. I enjoyed my jaunt there and especially loved the little borough Beaverton where we spent the night. I just had unrealistic expectations because it was a fantasy place in my head. It’s a warm port city compared to the interior or east coast. That attracts a certain transient population just as it does in Vancouver and other places up and down the west coast. My mind chose to forget those realities until it saw it first-hand.

After visiting Portland I don’t think I could have chosen a better place for my character or WIP even though it didn’t live up to my personal  ideals. There’s a darker, seedier side to it that my research didn’t reveal. An important sense that would have been lost had I never gone.

Looking back I wonder if trying to find an online newspaper would have helped.

No matter where you set your story it’s important to have a total sense of a place. If it helps, list the five senses and mind map them out. If you don’t truly dig up the dirt on your setting you’re going to miss details that might just deepen your story. I almost did.

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Leaving Questions Unanswered versus Wrapping up the Story with a Bow

If you weren’t aware, I love writing letters. I love coming home and seeing NOT A BILL and NOT JUNK in my mailbox. I have accrued a selection of fine penpals who are all far more intelligent than I am and very perceptive.

One said penpal recently wrote:

Recently finished [Redacted]. There were a couple plot twists I did not foresee. She stayed true to the time period and still left questions unanswered. So it stays with me.

*taps pen to lips* Hmmmm.

One of the things that I have had the hardest time learning while writing is knowing what information needs to be told and what information or world-building or resolutions can be withheld from the reader and still offer a full and satisfying story. Leaving questions unanswered is a hard thing to do as a writer, when you have the answer–or, at least, one of the answers.

Then I got another poke for the same topic from Pinterest:

“Good books don’t give up all their secrets at once.” – Stephen King

I’m still searching for this balance. Too much versus too little.

Source

Writing is as much about the writer as it is about the reader. Making a black-and-white world and delivering a story in a neat package–sure, it can be fun for the writer. As writers, we are obsessed with distilling our stories. We work hard to ensure that everything revealed is used again, all threads lead to an inevitable end, even with twists and turns in a the road to wrench our characters nearly off the rails. Everything is solved and wrapped up. Everything leads to the success of the story.

But how is that fun for the reader? Accomodating the reader, giving the reader space to question, dream, ask, grow, dwell–giving the reader space to read is just as important, if not more important.

Perhaps this is why I always failed at literary theory and analytical reading in school. I always wanted to find the right answer, not depend on myself for introspection and applying speculation. I didn’t read with the mind of a reader–I read with the mind of a writer.

Can we possibly live with both? Simultaneously? Or do we have to suspend one to enact the other?

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Reexamine

Take time to reexamine.

We start stories by asking what, keep them going by asking how, then strengthen them by asking why. The why is what I want to talk about right now.

Kate is in the middle of a rewrite – that scary, looming specter – and I just finished one. And I spent a lot of my revision asking, “Why?”

Why go there? Why do that? Why say this?

I asked that of characters, of settings, and of plot. It made me examine my choices as a writer. The current novel draft is a lot stronger than the others because I asked constantly, and in doing so saw a lot of its weaknesses. Which let me strengthen them.

If I don’t know the answer to the question, it means something has to change.

A favorite example: a character has to die and I latch onto the idea of killing an antagonistic female character. Why? Because it contributes to a plot-relevent and plot-driving rift between two other characters. All right, but why her? Because it has to be someone in a position of leadership importance with relevance to this other character.

But none of that really presents a case for killing off this specific character, and since her death will largely be motivation for other (male) characters, I need a damn good reason why her to avoid some seriously problematic tropes.

So why not kill of her male counterpart, instead?

As soon as that question was asked and I entertained the idea of killing him off instead, the story possibilities exploded. (Virtual cookie for anyone who figures out which one of them dies now!)

These questions are difficult for me to tackle before I know the shape of the story, but even in early stages, they’re good checks for topes, cliches, and stereotypes as I write. Asking why (or why not) forces me to develop a deeper awareness of the story I’m telling.

Just be on guard for bullshit answers. If you’re anything like me, they’ll try to worm their way in. They may seem like less effort, but only make more work for you in the long run.

I learned that the hard way.

So what makes you stop and reexamine a story?

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It’s a Wrap: My 2014 Goals

I know I could wait until the end of December to wrap up this year’s goal list. I could even do it in January when I make my new list. However, I am so confident that not a darn thing is going to change in the coming two weeks and five days that I am just going to get this over with now.

Here’s what I accomplished in 2014:

I DID complete “Brew Disaster” and shopped it around BUT it has yet to be picked up;
I completed “Small Victories” which is included in What Follows and it’s published!;
For every 4 “new” books I read I managed to pick up an “old” book off my TBR shelf, although 2014 has been the worst reading year I’ve experienced volume-wise since I was 16;
Many elements of Anxiety have been concretized this year;
I have been better with the accountability thing; there’s room for improvement but I’m on it;
I don’t take on more than I can handle and I acknowledge my limits. Yet, I feel like I’ve almost taken this one too far…;
I’m being much more positive!;
I’ve been reading my writing and grammar books before buying any more reference books, really, I’ve been very controlled with my book buying this year overall;
My taking an interest and reaching out, like the accountability thing, this is still a work in progress;
I organize my writing fodder –did everyone see my awesome new file cabinet?;
I have decluttered many things and my most recent Staples order of organizers arrived this week;
While my brain is full of design plans for my personal author website that’s about where my progress is at; and,
I did get more involved in my writing group by volunteering for the newsletter team but haven’t made a meeting this season. Oops.

 

Here’s what I did not accomplish:

I didn’t do the necessary research for my NaNo novella or a single rewrite. I laugh (sorta) at this looking at how my year has gone;
The writing a minimum of 1000 words a week really did not happen;
I’m annoyed that I did not complete my werewolf dossiers and a schematic for book one;
I did not pick up the act of smoking, nor did I work to act like a smoker, i.e.: take time to go outside and breathe a few times a day;
My exercising has been up and down all year, I’m good for stretches and then I lapse. I’m brainstorming ways to prevent this;
I made dinner for myself three times this week, just don’t ask about any of the other weeks despite my best intentions;
I didn’t shop my literary stories around;
I did not participate in NaNo this year so therefore I didn’t write a book for NaNoWriM0 2014 instead of short stories;
Take an interest and reach out –I want to do much better with this so I’m putting it here too;
I aimed to read at least 3 Shakespeare plays this year. I managed to read Hamlet. See my note above about my reading stats this year; and,
My current book most definitely did not get done by the end of this year, even though I really thought I’d have a first draft done by January 2015. I’m disappointed in myself here especially.

 

After assembling that list, my accomplishments and lack there of’s are actually quite balanced. Huh. I did much better this year than I thought I did. Look at all my negativity fly out the window!

Let me sit here dumbfounded for a minute here.

Still, I have to quote myself: “I’m a self-challenger but not always an actualizer, usually because I set HUGE goals that can’t be attained in my reality.” I said this when I first outlined my goals in January and that statement could not define me this year any more perfectly. It’s been a crazy 12 months with a lot of shifting around in my schedule so that I could never fall into any kind of routine. I am a writer who needs routine. And less distractions.

I have been monumentally distracted lately. I have a million projects I want to get accomplished around the house that I’ve been putting off because studying was more important. They’re starting to talk to me, I swear. I can hear their little voices badgering me to get them done.

This year was still a remarkable learning experience for me. I’ve changed a lot since my school days and it was fascinating finding out how. I wish my accomplished list reflected at least 75% of my original list but it’s too late to change it. I think it’s a good sign that I’m already writing a list of goals for 2015 and I’m actually excited to see what I can accomplish then.

Now, how did everyone else do?

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When the Story Changes: the Bane of Writer-dom

How many of you writers have had conversations like this:

Me: “My story changed again.”

Wife: “Well, maybe the change will make it better?”

Me: “It does! That’s why I can’t just ignore it.”

Wife: “So that’s good.”

Me: “But it means I have to redo everything I’ve spent the last month writing!”

Wife: “That’s why it’s called work.”

Me: “You know, this started as a hobby.”

Wife: “You want me to start referring to it as just a hobby?”

Me: “No.”

I had made it about 33K into my draft and I realized my pacing was off. And other things were off. Most of the perception was a nagging feeling but the other half was a slow, dawning realization that this book, that I have been working on for 12 years, on-and-off, needed yet another restructuring.

Don’t you just hate that?

I do and I don’t. I do hate it when I feel there is a problem but I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t hate this when I know what is wrong and I have a clear idea about how I need to change it in order to succeed.

So as I face the road of yet another rewrite and yet another plot structuring session, I’m tearing down to the basics. I’m poking holes in everything I had before finding out if there is another problem that has been lurking about behind my back.

In the meantime, that new idea is nagging me with its inherent shininess. “Lookit me!” she says. “I have none of that rewrite baggage! I’m full of potential and awesome!”

And I hold up the manuscript I’ve butchered over and over, “She was in line first. And I’ve grown a lot with her without becoming sick of her–DESPITE HOW DIFFICULT SHE IS BEING.” *side glare*

I’m taking a breath and moving a step back. What am I going to do? I’m not entirely sure. But as I face the end of the year sneaking up on me, I realize that I have another chance to dismiss a goal I don’t want to achieve and replace them with goals I do. But I’m still not entirely sure what that is.

It’s hard work, hey? This writing thing.

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Exercise: Oral Traditions

I’ve always been fascinated with oral storytelling. It’s part of what spawned my love for theater and acting.

In my area of Maine, oral traditions are alive and well, though most of our storytellers would never think of it that way. Go to the general store, nurse a cup of coffee, and you can be regaled for hours.

My dad was a great one for that – one of the best, in my rather biased opinion. And his stories were all true. Or at least to to him. At that moment.

It’s one of those things I’ve wanted to be able to do, and never figured I could. Sure, give me lines to memorize, put me on a stage, and I’m good to go, but improvisation terrifies me. I’m a writer; my words go on a page. When they come out of my mouth, they’re not always in the right order, and not necessarily even the right words.

So I’ve been challenging myself. (Because I am that crazy person who runs headlong at what terrifies her. Except spiders. They die.)

I tell stories while I’m hauling wood. When there’s no one to hear, because then I judge myself less. It’s fun. I don’t notice the work as much. And the stories are completely different from my usual. Then again, it’s a completely different medium.

My favorite so far is a story about why porcupines scream. Though the tree who wanted to travel was fun, too.

I don’t know if I’ll ever tell a story like that to an audience. Not without the words written for me to read. But knowing I can create a story like that is awesome. I don’t know – yet – what I’m learning from this exercise, but I’m certainly learning something.

Who else wants to give it a try?

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When Characters Get You Down

If you’ve been following my posts for the past couple of months, you’ll have noticed my productivity go down and my excitement over my current project wane considerably. I’ve written about a few of the causes but I’ve somewhat been in denial about a major reason, one I’m going to talk about today.

At the starting point of my current work in progress (WP in writer-short), I have chosen to showcase my main character at her emotional rock bottom. She’s in a place I almost hit many many years ago. I’ve chosen to do this because I want my series to showcase her emotional growth and her ability to bounce back despite all the pressures on her. I want to make her struggle and show her that she really can make it in the end. It’s a small part of the novel and series arc, and it’s an extremely important aspect to me.

However, delving back into that mindset is hard. Far harder than I ever thought it would be. Seasoned writers can affirm that the emotions you put your characters through can have a parallel effect (probably the wrong term but the one I’m going to go with) to the point that you as the artist feel whatever they’re feeling right along with them. Or are at least weighed down by their reaction.

I read a blog post by Ilona Andrews awhile back where she said that she was down in the dumps and sad for no particular reason. Then she said her character Kate is sad about something in her current WP so she’s probably feeling the effects of that.

After reading that statement from a veteran writer I knew I had to face my own problem. I have been having the most difficult time diving back into my own WP because I don’t know how to get myself out of the emotional tailspin I need to enter in order to write my character effectively. Switching back and forth between the past and present via mental state is exhausting and down right hard.  I’m still so excited about the project and think about it all the time, I just can’t seem to open up my draft, centre myself, and add words.

Maybe realizing this problem is the first step to getting back on the horse but I think I need to find some sort of after-writing activity to get me back to my current emotional plane. Because I sure as heck am not where I once was and I hate feeling like I am even for the sake of art.

Has anyone out there had this problem? If so, what do you do about it? I am really at a loss with this one!

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My Issue with NaNoWriMo

This year I attempted NaNoWriMo yet again. And, for yet another year, I failed NaNo’s 50K goal. I don’t count my 30K achieved as a NaNo failure, really, but I did feel like I was letting myself down.

In ways, I love NaNo. NaNo makes writing accessible to people approaching writing for the first time. With a sense of community providing encouragement and a plethora of resources at one’s disposal, NaNo should be the ideal environment for success. “Don’t worry if it’s crap,” says some. “Don’t worry if you aren’t sure where you are going. No plot? No problem, just like Chris Baty says!”

But I have problems with NaNo.

As much as I love the community, I am competitive in nature. This isn’t healthy, I know. I am happy for people who succeed but if I don’t match or equal, let alone win, I beat myself up for it. This year, I had a ton of ambitious friends who set to rule NaNo–and they did. In record time. Most finished NaNo before November 15th, the halfway point. And me, starting my NaNo effort with a vacation and a writing conference, simply couldn’t keep up from the early stages.

When facing NaNo, I decided to work on a rewrite of a book I really, really want to have traditionally published. As a result, the book not only needed to be typed quickly to meet NaNo timeline standards, I also had to maintain a level of quality that I would be satisfied with. Now, I’m sure you have all picked up on this given this site is called Anxiety Ink, but I am very hard on myself. When typing, I use the backspace button–a lot. I’m not looking to fill up my pages with weak verbs and “That’ll do” metaphors, expanded contractions and redundant descriptions–issues that happen so frequently when working on a NaNo draft.

But when I approach the idea of NaNo, I love it. I want to keep up. I want to prove myself worthy of it. Yes, I have succeeded with Camp NaNo, the off-month version of NaNo. But traditional NaNo? No. And I’ve always wanted to succeed. But as I struggle and fall behind, I become more and more frustrated. As my friends who I love to support surpass me, I feel like a failure. It’s a complicated mental defeated block I have, I get that. But as I try harder and harder to meet NaNo, dropping more and more commitments and, you know, chores, I feel worse and worse about myself not making it, not succeeding.

I realized I was attaching far too much of my self-worth to NaNoWriMo, an arbitrary number and community commitment that doesn’t match who I am and what I am trying to succeed with. The moment I realized it, I backed off. I took the time to read a book–something I had been putting off. I took the time to watch a movie–something else I had been putting off. I took the time to relax, enjoy, and balance creative existance. And I am very pleased I was able to wake up and step back.

Does this mean I will never participate in NaNoWriMo ever again? Who knows. I can’t really say. But one thing I can say for sure is that I will be more cognizant when taking part about what *I* want from it, not just the word count it needs from me.

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The Power To Change The World

Can we just take a moment to revel in the powers of words and stories? Yes? Ok, then.

A story can save a life. A story can change a life. (And isn’t that the sort of story we all hope to write?) Genre doesn’t matter. Style and voice don’t matter. The power of words is more basic than that.

We live in societies programed to see art as somehow lesser. Making a living wage at any art is all but impossible.

I recently bing-watched a Korean drama. As I do. Set in the Joseon era, it centered around the creation and production of the highly prized royal white porcelain. It was awesome to see a portrayal of artists being respected, valued, and honored for their work.

(The series, in case you’re interested, is Jung-yi: Goddess of Fire, and it was fantastic except for two point: an Inevitable Heroic Death and the very end. The former needed to happen to make the story work, and the latter needed to happen to make the history work, but both felt shoehorned in, out of sync with the rest. Also, the Japanese in Jung-yi all sounds like it went through a Shatner filter, which makes me giggle.)

We all, at one time or another, run into the attitude that, for whatever reason, we should be doing “more” with our lives. I’ve been told I could make a decent career out of my current day job. And while it’s great to know others think I’m doing well, such comments give rise to a small voice that wonder if I shouldn’t do that – more actively pursue that sort of career – even if it cuts further into writing time and energy. Because that is somehow more beneficial to the world.

How screwed up is that?

But that will be the reality for all of us until some greater change happens. So it is important – so, so important – to remind ourselves of the power of stories.

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