Barbara Curtis's Blog, page 25
September 14, 2022
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May 1, 2014
18 Months- Day 547 minus Barbara...
When Barbara died I found a book on Southern etiquette because
I wanted to find out what a gentleman like Rhett Butler would have done in my
place. I found out that a widower wears black for a year before switching to
less solemn attire in order to honor his wife.
I realized that was something that I really wanted to do---for truly hers
was life worth mourning and honoring.
Most of you, my
friends and family, know by now that this Life is difficult and that trouble
will find you even if it's not of your own making.....certainly death and loss
constitute trouble that we usually are not prepared for. These
past months have been a waiting period of my life that has been very painful, but
where I have learned much about myself and the human condition. I like what Dr. Paul David Tripp says about
this, "The Biblical view is that waiting is not so much about when I will get
what I'm waiting for, but what I will become as I wait.
During this time, these are a few of the truths I've
learned:
I can't change circumstances, but I can in how I respond to
them. When I live like that, no trial or
sorrow is wasted.
Every day I'm harvesting what I've sown before. If I don't
like what I'm reaping, I need to plant new seeds.
I have a better grasp of what's important, and consequently
have become more selective in what I value.
My interpretation is how I view life. It's important to examine my motivations.
God doesn't move parked cars.
I'm okay by myself. I don't need another person to exist.
Be careful not to let my past govern my future. Barbara is a
memory and she always will be one that I honor and cherish. But she does not govern my future.
Time here is short-----grief is not forever.
It's not just grief I'm dealing with. I'm dealing with me.
Time doesn't heal all wounds-----and with those that heal,
you will probably have scars.
It will be a challenge for me tomorrow to not wear my "mourning
blacks," but one I know it is time for
me to face. Thank you all for your prayers and support for truly I could not have
travelled through this Valley without my Heavenly Father and all of you.
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
October 28, 2013
Marking the Days at One Year and the Reality of Loss.......
I know that I have not posted for
you over the last three months.......my mind
and heart have been consumed with a wedding for Matt and Emma, my children, and
the continuing reality of life without
Barbara.....so I beg your indulgence as I
share with you some of what Barbara would want you to know on the anniversary of her departure in the eye of a hurricane...
These days mark the anniversary of Barbara's fatal
stroke and a season of loss, sorrow, & challenge... a time for reflection of
our faith & understanding of God.... the new perspectives we may have
through our individual worldviews
as we mourn in each of our lives those you may have lost.....and for us, our dear Barbara and Hattie ...The
questions arise of "why" and "when will
I have hope again?" I for one have
realized that hope does not come naturally...it's something that must be sought
through faith, (which can be dark times for some of us.) And realizing that with the healing of the wounds brings pain..... and as they heal, leave scars. .....
Please keep in mind
these verses from the Book of Psalms and Jeremiah as you read a bit of Barbara's history...... "You
formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb...My very self you knew;
my bones were not hidden from you...When I was being made in secret, fashioned as
in the depths of the earth...Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are
written down....my days were shaped before one came to be." And God says, "For I
know well the plans I have in mind for you says the Lord, plans for your
welfare....not for woe! Plans to give you
a future full of hope."
This little girl above is Barbara... as you
can see, she started out full of joy, hope, and expectation.....At age seven ,
she and her two younger brothers were put in foster care because their Dad had
left and their Mother couldn't handle. There she was raped and molested by her
foster father and his eldest son w/o protection or defense from her foster
mother until her own Mother finally listened to her pleas and took her children back. Her Mother was an
alcoholic and food and parental love were not a priority
at that point. Barbara raised her brothers,
including another from another step dad that also left. She took it on her own
to talk herself into a Catholic HS (Bishop O'Connell) getting herself a good
education and became the National Merit finalist in the DC area whereupon she
rec'd scholarship for a full university education at George Mason when it
opened in it's first year. She had met and courted a wonderful man Jeff, (a few
years older) from Jersey who went to Mount St. Mary's and they married and had
their first child....a beautiful daughter, Samantha... Tumultuous times, the
late 60s.....Barbara became a Montessori teacher and involved in politics
during this time....she was an activist & part of that 2nd wave of feminism
during the Vietnam War that brought in abortion rights, anti war riots, etc.
and all the drugs, free love, etc. that came with it. She urged her husband to
move to S.F during the "Summer of Love" and they came west to the Left coast where
they soon had their second daughter, Jasmine. Things went downhill quickly with
drugs involved, and Barbara unfortunately left her husband breaking his heart
and turning his life and their children's lives upside down forever...
Circumstances went from bad to worse as they will in that downward spiral, and
soon Barbara and her daughters found themselves living in the S.F. Mission
district in a daily worsening desperate situation. Poor Samantha and Jasmine
were now experiencing with their mother things that Barbara had experienced
with her own mother... Something clicked, (God intervened) and she moved them
all across the Bay to San Rafael into a much tamer neighborhood. Soon after, she had what she described as
"a moment of clarity" where she realized she needed to do something
about her addictions for the sake of her daughters and got clean and sober
through AA. Two years later, (enter Tripp...similar history as you know...check
archives) we met on my 28th birthday. We were married 3 mos. later
w/ our 1st together,
Josh on the way, @ Jenner by the
Sea while the sun was going down.......God brought two misfits together that had not been living His plan for their lives...but
had been living lives according to their own will headed for destruction. Both of us should have ended up either dead, in jail, or
in the gutter.... But He introduced "Plan B" which brought life, light, and
direction where before there was only
darkness from our own choices...
Thirty + years later, she's now
in Heaven......having come to know that she had
a Father that never failed her , had been watching her all her days, and loved
her as His special little girl....She bore nine children on her own during which
she had three miscarriages,( and an abortion in her early days which she always
regretted.....and before I met her I myself was responsible for two that I know
of and remember/regret to this day.) She
adopted three children with special needs , wrote 10 books for parents and
mothers, became an ardent proponent
& speaker in the Pro Life movement after being an abortion activist in her
younger years....Published hundreds of articles supporting family and truth, and
thousands of blogs concerning same. She
wasn't perfect.....she had flaws, baggage, and demons from her past that we
continued to battle, (as we battled mine...and continue too with her gone.) But the reality is that God was and is always
there.....in truth He is the Father who keeps His promises....no matter what.....
As each of us weave the tapestry
of our lives.... there will be threads of grief, betrayal, abuse, injustice, etc. that will challenge us to throw
it into the fire with bitterness or just stop weaving entirely ....Questions
will arise.... How can a supposed loving Heavenly Father...God...be in charge of
the Universe...and allow my loved one to die or for any other evil thing to happen?
I for one have come to realize
the truth that God's ways are too complex for me to understand. If He were a God I could understand then he'd
be like me and not who He is. Our Father
has plans for each of us....Barbara and I
chose while we were each on our own on separate paths and then when we were
together to do what we wanted to do ... just like Adam and Eve...it ended up in
near disaster many times with Our Father rescuing us...because that is His Heart...
He didn't make us robots, but men and women of free will that were to live
forever in the Garden to walk with Him...Instead, Adam and Eve, like each of us
so often chose our own plan....... Our individual choices come into play and may dictate
our destiny....but no death is simply the result of circumstances, an accident or
fate....This doesn't mean God wanted your loved one to die, for you or others to be betrayed, abused, etc..He is not morally
responsible for the Fall of Man and the consequences ........It means the same God who loved you enough to die
for you is in control.....and the answers to the questions are on the "other"
side of the River...
Know that many of you want to know how we are faring and I will post an update soon...This imperfect post is what I feel she wanted me to share... While we spent time at the shore
a couple weeks ago, two yellow butterflies showed up each day on the beach.....We all felt it was Our Father's sign that
Barbara and Hattie were with us.....Sunday we gathered at Barbara's graveside
and two yellow butterflies came by again.....You
have to love His divine orchestration....
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.
Love to you all,
Papa Tripp
July 29, 2013
Nine months later....Time the Revelator Pt. III....
Update from last post: Papa Robin was successful and launched his four fledglings without Mama Robin as I foretold. As you can see below, my last "special" four are still and will be with me always....while the other eight are flying on their own with the memory of their Mother's love being part of the "wind beneath their wings."
Through the process of time in these last nine months more revelations have come to light....God is trustworthy.....my feelings are not. Even though it may seem like family and friends leave you behind, that loneliness is your only companion, and that your hopes and dreams have died ......I am not alone...As difficult as this is for me to understand, our lives are in the hands of God. All of my feelings of being responsible in Barbara's death for all the things I should have or could have done.... are saying that Our God is not in control. Psalm 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." In my complaining to God about our circumstances, I've realized that it is more important to listen to what He has to say to me, than for me to be talking to Him about things that I will never understand this side of Heaven...Truthfully, even though it has been nine months....I am still mourning.....not just for the hopes and dreams we had for the future...but for the loss of our children and grand children's memories that Barbara's countenance and heart will not physically embrace as their lives unfold. It is a deep wounding....but one our Father through the process of time is healing...
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
June 30, 2013
Day 243...Eight Months...Time the Revelator Pt. II...
As a man in the midst of a busy life with many responsibilities, my observance of grief has been one full of revelations and surprises. So many things I didn't know because she was the Mother and now she's not there to fill the gap and explain (she had the global view of our universe...mine was very linear....together we filled each other's gaps.) Here's a clip that demonstrates this from "Rocky" where Paulie is questioning Rocky why he is interested in his sister Adrianne, (because Paulie thinks she's a loser.) Rocky explains that, "she has gaps and I have gaps...and we fit together...if you know what I mean." So you know, Barbara filled in many of my gaps....clueless is a good adjective for this simple man in a fragmented Universe without her .....In reality, I am obliged to insure this is completed.....we made a covenant....I share this to prepare you...especially those of you who are spouses, whether Husband or Wife....who at some point may lose your beloved. God's best design of a family is made up of three strands of a rope constituting Himself, you, and your spouse...Without each other you are not whole.... if one of you dies or becomes incapacitated, then you have to allow God to make up the difference....and work through why you have been singled out for the gift of widowhood or carrying the burden alone as a single parent...
I shared with you Papa Robin and how he was left with the four eggs in the nest....So amazing how God uses even the simplest of his creatures to show us His power of salvation and deliverance. Those eggs, so full of promise, but vulnerable and destined for death without Mama Robin hatched due to the diligence of Papa Robin who is now working double time to feed those four young robins. (See below) He and I differ in that his babes will soon leave the nest while these last four of mine will be with me until I go....But, Our God has given me encouragement through one of His beautiful creations...a Papa Robin who lost his mate and had to make do..
I have shared this with others who are close to me and now share with you....please remember when your own your own trials come, or if you are dealing with them now....Here's the challenge....Do not use your suffering as a time to discover if you believe in God, but focus instead on discovering what you believe about Him. In times of suffering, God does not change, but what you believe about Him and what you understand about Him may change....
You will likely have questions to which you will never receive answers. It is human nature to want all the pieces to fit, to want to make sense of things. But there are times when that will not happen.
As a human living on this side of death, you will not receive answers that truly satisfy you. The only satisfaction will come when you accept Jesus as Lord of your life and live each day seeking to walk in His Spirit.....
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" ....1 Corinthians 13:12....
God, instead of focusing on the questions, I want to start focusing on the Answer--You. Help me to better understand Your attributes and Your plan for my life. Amen.
You all know my "one weakness" ;) is music and I have to leave you with a song tonight that speaks to my soul and will give you solace and food for thought as well...
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
"Circumstances change....but God never changes." Book of Lamentations
June 18, 2013
Time.....the Revelator....
Interesting how God uses His creation to give us life
pictures symbolic of our own lives at times. Woke to find this nest outside my
backdoor the other day with the four Robin eggs and no Mama Robin. After a
short while Papa Robin came and sat on the nest and then left for awhile, came
back, and has been continuing this pattern for the last three days with no sign
of Mama Robin. Could of course not avoid seeing the similarity between my own
life now with the four Boyz who will probably always be in my nest and these
four eggs ready to hatch and their concerned Papa Robin...
In the time since Barbara died so much has been revealed and
the reality of our circumstances has become more real and final as the days
march by in our journey through loss.
We've realized that each of us needs to extend grace to each other as we
all are mourning in our own way and time....We know that this journey will
never bring us back to what once was....we will never be the same.....but we
have the hope of a new "normal," even knowing that there are going to be continuing challenges ahead.
Long ago, I read a book by Scott Peck called, "The Road Less Traveled." The only thing remember from the book is the first line, "Life is difficult." In remembering this today, I was put in mind of another first line from a favorite Dickens classic, "Tale of Two Cities,"........"It was the best of times and it was the worst of times." Our God has met us in our sorrows and darkness and we have seen rays of hope and felt them warming our hearts. He has not let any of this go to waste...He has through His sovereign hands allowed each of us in our confusion, fear, sadness, and needs to be met by His Presence when we were open and to grow at our own pace..... As Dr. Joseph Stowell said, "Sometimes we say, "God is good," with tears running down our cheeks."
I know many of you who have been Barbara's readers for years would like for me to get back on track with her blog and all that it entailed. I cannot promise that. I'm in the process of finding my own voice separate from her. In marriage you accommodate each other and hopefully become one....I am figuring out who I am without her. I urge you to continue to use her blog as the resource it always has been. The archives are rich with knowledge and wisdom. For now, my content will be about this journey until He sees fit to let me go.
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
May 24, 2013
On day 206, beginnings, endings, and what lies in between...
Both Barbara and I have shared with you our rocky beginnings with both of us bringing baggage to the table....neither of us with any kind of a firm foundation.
Must confess I was a hopeless romantic.....(picture the fool walking off the cliff.) Remembering tonight the first song I shared with her the night after we met and telling her that this song reminded me of the two of us...did not realize then that this was the truth....that would someday end.
Much of what lies between, and our earthly parting you know....Torrid romance, countless children-grandchildren, successes, failures, trials, tribulations, triumphs, sorrows, regrets,but in retrospect always a Hope for the future.
What I need to share with you tonight is that in the reality of our everyday life we had conflict and contention....we were both very strong willed and butted heads over the most trivial of matters but never quarreled over the big ones. God always had us on the same page over the things that really mattered....In truth, we never went a day without reconciliation. (For you men, that requires a humble heart and prayer at the beginning and ending of each day.)
Our ending here was in the love of a perfect hour that we'd never had before..... So interesting in life...that so many of our hopes, aspirations, and expectations that never actually become reality....But God in His goodness gives us things to treasure beyond anything we could possibly expect.
Barbara would be 65 this Sunday......So glad she got to sing "When I'm 64" and to hear my affirmative response. She's in Eternity now, about her Father's business.....as we should be about His here earthside. Which reminds me, time to put the Boyz to bed...
"God's given us years of happiness here..
Now we must part
And as the Angels come and call for you...
The pains of grief tug at my heart....."
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
May 16, 2013
Opening our hearts.....
As you can see Mother's Day was a hard one for us as I had
forecast. On a day where we had always gathered together as a family, we were
fragmented....Other children had gone earlier to her graveside and I came
later....Daniel had said he wanted to go, but when we got there he lost it and
just Jonny, Jesse, Justin and myself went up on the ridge where Barbara's
grave is.....Though it has been six months, the grief is still fresh and
actually more real....especially since now we all realize more fully the
reality of the loss that death brings.
We have learned some things as a family over this stretch of
ground..... We know it is important to be honest about our pain. It is okay
for us to express our lamentations and complaints to God with frankness and
honesty...just like David did in the Psalms and Job did....I've learned that as Dr.
Paul D. Tripp says, "Grief blocks my ability to see God, but I shouldn't
conclude He is absent." Just because we are in the darkness of grief
doesn't mean the Son isn't shining.... We've learned to not just look at our
life horizontally-----but to look upward... To look at our suffering from His
perspective and to understand that each day we are harvesting what we've
sown ourselves before...
Jesus told us in the
Gospel of John that "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I
have overcome the world." Our time here
is short, and we have all been told that grief is not forever...but to receive
Our Father's comfort, we need to allow Him to come alongside and shepherd us to
Hope.....sometimes that path is dark, treacherous, and filled with sadness.
Something to share with you from Barbara.....She was always
asking me to put music on her mp3 player. On her last trip before she died she
asked me to put this on for her journey , which I never listened to until after
she died....but listening to it now is what she was saying to all of us....
\
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
May 11, 2013
Day 194 and tomorrow is Mother's Day...
Arrived home today at sunset and took this picture from our mailbox. Jonny and I had come from Rochester, NY after seeing Ben's recital at Eastman where he is graduating this week with his Masters. This was the same 6 1/2 hr. journey Barbara had taken to come home to us six odd months ago, and then die. Jonny understood this and kept bringing it up and asking, "why Mommy die?" At one point he said, "wish never been born...maybe Mommy live." I told him that Mommy was so happy that he was her son, like she was of all her daughters and sons. That none of her children were the reason that Mommy died.... that she was happy and grateful for all her children...that she loved and always wanted the best for each one....All along the way, I kept thinking about her last hours on that drive...how she called all her children and myself....filling her time with what was her greatest love and passion...her family.Tomorrow will be a difficult bittersweet day for us... truly we have much to celebrate with the mothers in our family....but we all know that without Barbara and her life, none of this would exist. Amazing what a hole in the fabric that makes up the tapestry of a family one person can leave...To have lost Hattie as well...whose heart's desire was to be a mother, but never had the chance...is devastating.
Milestones continue to be reached with her children and grandchildren...New lives have come into our circle of life...and in spite of our sadness and sometimes despair...we have our Eternal perspective and the comfort of Our Father who has allowed us to feel some of the things He has felt....which is the reality of loss and the finality of death....
On this Mother's Day, I'm sure Barbara would want us to remember the important things....love of God with a longing for Heaven.... the importance of family ties and reconciliation.... the honoring of Mothers....and the gift of life....
Cherish each other always...
In His grip,Papa Tripp
May 4, 2013
The book Barbara Curtis finished before she died has been released!
Shortly before Barbara died she finished writing this
wonderful book. In many ways, it is a culmination of her literary life's
work. I finished editing it after she left us so suddenly, and am grateful to
have this last gift of Barbara's to offer to all of you.
The book is available, as well as so many of her others, on
our Amazon link, where you'll find this description:
More than ever, if you have children, parenting with purpose
is required. In a world where children are bombarded with conflicting messages,
both moms and dads must fight the tendency to be reactive and instead
proactively become the primary teachers of their children. Raising God-First
Kids in a Me-First World addresses media, technology, consumerism, sexual
purity, selfishness, and other factors that form children in our society.
Curtis empowers parents with the necessary skills to raise kids who are secure
in who they are, not basing their worth on society's values. Each chapter
includes valuable questions, suggestions, and resources. Topics covered
include:
How businesses
today are targeting our children with the goal of turning them into consumers,
and how we as parents can counteract these forces
Ways parents can
reflect on their own relationship to the media
Steps to become
better role models for our children
A plan to help
children make good choices on their own
This book is for parents struggling to help children
overcome (while learning to overcome themselves) our inherent
self-centeredness--the center-of-the-universe mentality--reinforced ceaselessly
by the media and forces of consumerism. Instead, God-first kids are secure in
God's love and have learned how to live well from the inside out from the real
pros, their parents.
All of you... her loving readers made this book possible. I know she would want me to thank you for
your continuing prayers and support as her legacy lives on in our lives and
families.
In His grip,
Papa Tripp
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