Penny Watson's Blog, page 76

Thursday Morning Updates

1.) I am currently reading Leader of the Pack , by Leighann Phoenix. It was recommended to me by one of my favorite fellow readers at Goodreads (MelissaB!), with this warning...."This book is too long." Fiddlesticks, I thought. I'm a fast reader. I can handle that. Well, in spite of a typo on the first freakin' page, more head-hopping than at a Head Hopping Convention (couldn't come up with something for that...sorry!), and some slightly "squicky" (Melissa's term) hybrid-shapeshifter moments (think animal-human sex moments.....or maybe not, if you don't want to lose your breakfast), I am still sort of liking this book. But, I'm at 52%, and there has already been a major climatic battle scene, death, and resolution. And we're only half-way through the book. I guess the author is going to make a second conflict/resolution to keep this baby going. I'm exhausted, but I'm not giving up!

2.) I am also reading Mia Marlowe's Touch of a Thief . Mia kicks arse at opening sentences. Here is the beginning of this book....I was hooked instantly!

"On any given day, someone writhed in exquisite pleasure at the home of the most sought after courtesan in Amjerat. Unfortunately for Captain Greydon Quinn, on this day it wasn't him."

The premise for this story is fabulous, the writing is fantastic, and I can't wait to finish it. I wish I had more time to read! Fiddlesticks!

3.) The jumped-the-shark-a-long-time-ago-crack-addicting-vampire-series has a new book coming out soon. But Tohr isn't in it! Fiddlesticks!

4.) I am working on my childrens' summer camp schedule. This involves researching camps for swimming, skating, chemistry, doll-house making, nature, bike-touring Cape Cod, cooking, and art. Remember when we used to hang out and play kick-the-can all summer? I do. Fiddlesticks!

5.) Thursday's Word of the Day: Fiddlesticks!

Happy Reading,
Penelope

Update for Amazon Romance Community Members

In response to an inordinately high number of consumer suggestions, Amazon is implementing the following changes to our Romance Community Message Boards, effectively immediately.....

1.) We have added a "wackadoodle" button to the posts. Any member who accumulates in excess of 50 "wackadoodle" votes will have mental health self-help books added to his/her book suggestion list.

2.) We are abolishing censorship with regards to cuss words... as long as * buttons are included in said words. For example, c*ck-s*ck*r would be appropriate. However, if the stars are omitted, the word will be blacked out on the screen.

3.) Similar to Goodreads, pop-up boxes will now appear before posting. After checking "author" or "reader" the following terms of agreement will appear. Please check the box next to I Agree, or No Freakin' Way before continuing to the message boards.

(A) For "authors".... "I do solemnly swear not to pimp my books, regardless of origin of publication (independent digital format, traditional publishing house, or skanky erotica e-publisher)."

A scarlet "A" will appear next to your screen name to identify you as an author. These terms may also appear underneath the screen name... Indie, Trad, Skank.

(B) For "readers"..... "I do solemnly swear not to confuse the words 'heroin' or 'heroine' in my posts."
      
A scarlet "R" will appear next to your screen name to identify you as a reader. Any reader who abuses the English language excessively (misspelled words, incorrect grammar, lack of subject/verb agreement) will have the term "Illit" for "illiterate" appear beneath your screen name.

After agreeing to these terms, you will be permitted to post on any thread within the community. Rude, obnoxious behavior, name-calling, mud-slinging, and general pandemonium are still permitted.

4.) Due to overwhelming confusion as to terms and emoticons, an index will now be available to help clarify these words. Ex: Shill, troll, DIK, :^O, etc.

5.) Amazon will not permit members to change their screen names to BDB-inspired monikers. (See "Black Dagger Brotherhood" in the aforementioned index). For example, Linda to Lhinda, Jenny to Jhenny, etc. We are unable to accommodate the high volume of requests for these changes at this time.

Sincerely,
The Powers That Be At Amazon

"V" is for Vicious

No one warned me about JD Robb fans. Geez, I make one teensy, weensy little criticism of Mr. Roarke Suave (you know, the whole metrosexual pansy-ass thing), and next thing you know, I'm being accosted in a family restaurant by a rabid fan who takes great umbrage at my review. Great, great umbrage. She scared me. In fact, I am rescinding my review.

Naked In Death by JD Robb. Grade: C-/D+ 
New grade: B
OK, just kidding, it's really B+
A!!!! A++++

I have totally changed my tune about Roarke. Lub him, and the whole button thing. Right on board with that. And the wine, and the coffee. He's manly. I want a "I Love Roarke" button for my blog.

(shifts eyes nervously.....)

"V" is for vicious. And vitriol. And vengeance.

Singing a brand new tune about Roarke, my new fictional boyfriend,
(Hiding under the dining room table)
Penelope

Penelope's Advice To Authors Who Don't Like Beeyotchy Reviewers...

I think this backlash against reviewers is getting a little bit out of hand.

Here's some advice for authors who don't like nasty reviews.....

That book you've been working on? The one that's 397 pages long? Researched, edited and filled with your blood, sweat and tears?

Don't. Publish. It.

That's right. Take the whole thing, and stuff it under your bed, with the dust-bunnies, and those big, fluffy, hideous slippers from Target. And leave it there.

Because I have news for you. If you're gonna get your book published, people are gonna read it. Some folks will love it. And some folks will hate it. And some folks will review it.

Some reviewers will be kind and gracious and lovely and gently suggest that the author "might want to work on her POV changes which were slightly jarring to the reader."

And some reviewers will be snarky-ass beeyotches from hell who think your hero is a metrosexual pansy-ass. And worse.

If you're going to get your book published, grow a pair.

A really, really big pair.

This business is not for the faint of heart. Just ask any sculptor, or painter, or poet, or motorcycle designer, or anyone who is in a creative field and puts his or her stuff out in the public. Some people are nice. And some are not.

Quit yer whining, and belly-aching, and complaining, and threats, and intimidation, and judgments about reviewers who are "doing it right" and "doing it wrong," who's "professional," or "unprofessional," or just plain mean.

Get your ass in the chair, and write your book. Own it. Believe in it. Take the good with the bad.

Here are your choices: Live in a shack in the mountains of Vermont, write your books on an old-fashioned typewriter, and keep your manuscripts hidden away from humanity. Or....send out query letters. Put yourself on the line and open to rejection. From agents, from publishers, from reviewers at RT magazine, from Joe Schmo Reader at Amazon.

Look at it this way. If one person reads your book, and likes it....that is a very cool and amazing thing. Chances are that more than one person will read your book and like it. You have created something that entertained, touched, evoked, aroused, tortured, made a difference. So what if someone else didn't like it.

Some folks think Picasso is a God, and some people think he's a hack.

If you've decided to become a romance author, suck it up. Criticism is part of the job-description.

Reviewers are no different than anyone else. Nor are authors. Some of us are nice and some are blunt and some are honest and some are ass-kissing groupies. It would be a boring world if we all had the same opinions, and expressed them in the same way.

And for those of you who think I'm being harsh, I'm an author, too. I've gotten bad reviews, bad ratings, been given advice such as "You'll never get this book published," "You really should take the Christmas out of this story," and "Readers don't like bearded heroes." It made me work harder, it made me more determined, and it made me realize that....yep, some readers don't like bearded heroes. They shouldn't read my book. They probably won't like it.

But some folks do.

Enough with the mud-slinging, reviewer-dinging, sad song-singing. (High fives all around for that one! Woo!). Let's just get back to writing books, shall we?

Penelope

Beard of the Day

Today's post was inspired by Underworld. Scott Speedman was a tasty little morsel in that movie. He was also a regular on the TV show Felicity (anyone remember that one?). Here are some cool tidbits about Scott...

1. He used to be a competitive swimmer. (I'd like to see him in a speedo.).
2. He lived most of his life in Canada. (I'd like to see him in a lumberjack outfit).
3. He tried out for the role of Robin in Batman Forever. (I'd like to see him in some tights).

Here are some more excellent beardy photos of Scott.....



Nice cropped hair style, with scruffy beard.



Looks like he just rolled out of bed. :^)

Happy Hairy Friday,Penelope

Lover Unleashed, aka Unkhool, Son of Ghouging Rheaders Ehverywhere

The Kindle version of JR Ward's Lover Unleashed is available for preorder at Amazon for $14.99. 15 bucks for an ebook!!!!! Thanks a lot, Penguin Publishing. This feels uncannily like Barbara Streisand charging $300 for concert tickets. Yeah, we like you, we might even love you, but gouging your fans is the ultimate in "unkhool." JR Ward and all authors who have loyal, steadfast fans, please stand up and say something to your agents, your publishers, and your readers. We don't deserve this.

Phenelope, Dhaughter of Ehxasperated Bheyond Bhelief Whith Eh-book Phrices

Stumpy, Bumpy and Chunky

(I know....I am getting out of control with my blog titles....I just can't help myself!)


Mindless Wednesday Updates....

1.) Bumpy: I think my #^$&%* blood pressure medicine needs to be adjusted. I passed out this morning and banged my head on the door frame. Ouch! That freakin' hurt! Since I'm exercising so much my blood pressure is low....maybe too low. Criminy. Now I have a bump on my head. Oy.

2.) Chunky: I was thinking about Chunk this morning. You know, Chunk from the movie Goonies. If you have never seen this movie, check it out. This is an adorable adventure film for kids, starring a young Josh Brolin, Kerri Green (Vassar gal!), Corey Feldman, Joey Pants (as one of the bad guys) and many other actors you'll recognize who are now all grown up. I love the sweetness and simplicity of this story. And I adore the chemistry between Chunk, the chubby kid obsessed with his next snack, and Sloth, the "monster" turned teddy bear. There are so many hilarious quotes from this movie, it's crazy. Every time this movie is on TV, I have to watch it. (Sort of like Jaws). It's an addiction.

3.) Stumpy: Actually, there are no stumpy-legged pirates in KT Grant's book The Prince's Groom , but it made for a good blog title. There is, however, an adorable bald, bearded, salty, sexy, older pirate with gray hairs and a loving heart. Yippee! Even though I am not a big reader of M/M stuff, I decided to give this story a go, and I am so glad I did. For one thing, KT Grant does not write humpity-hump-hump style erotica. Her characters fall in love, and there is a sweetness to them I crave in my erotica stories. This is a sequel to The Princess's Bride, about Thomas the exiled prince, and Martin, the craggy pirate who loves him. Grant excels at building the tension in her storyline....I was biting my nails as the wicked villainess and villain hatched their diabolical plan. And she does a superb job with her secondary characters, and moving past clear black and white storylines, to create suspenseful drama and difficult emotional choices. Martin is so adorable, I love him! This is my kind of erotica....loving, emotional, lusty and sweet. Grade: A-

Happy Wednesday!
Penelope

A Hot Mess: Review of Pack Challenge by Shelly Laurenston

Pack Challenge by Shelly Laurenston




This book is a hot mess.

I have never before encountered an author who creates such unlikable characters. Cripes!

The first book I read by Shelly Laurenston was Beast Behaving Badly . The heroine was one of the most irritating, hyper, unlikable characters I've ever seen in a romance novel. (For the record, I thought the hero-polar bear was adorable, thank God).

But that was before I read Pack Challenge. In this book, the hero, the heroine, and all her side-kicks, are equally horrible. The hero Zach is horny and single-minded, and totally lacking in any leadership qualities as far as I could see. He is supposed to become the alpha male of the pack, but he spends the entire book worrying about getting it on with Sara, the heroine. Not such a hot leader. He borders on being disrespectful to her because of his extreme horniness, something I don't like in my heroes.

Sara, the heroine, is a sarcastic, snarky bitch. She is emotionally stunted due to her upbringing by a vengeful and hateful grandmother. She is so immature (as are her best friends) I thought perhaps I was reading a YA book. Speaking of the word "bitch"-- Sara and her 2 side-kick girlfriends, Angelina and Miki, spend most of the book insulting each other, calling each other "whore," "bitch," and other terms of affection. Their maturity level appears to be stunted at the tweenie-I'm-10-years-old-level. Miki and Angelina's other favorite activity is getting into slapping, screaming fights. I wanted to bang both of them over the head with a cast-iron skillet.

I am flabbergasted by this book. It is well-written, the pacing is excellent, the storyline was engaging, and the shapeshifter paranormal aspect was superb. I love shapeshifter books, and Laurenston does a great job with the animal instincts and pack behavior. But it's extremely difficult to stomach a book where the major characters are unlikable jerks.

The worst part of the book for me was the final-declaration-of-our-love scene. Zach is attempting to tell Sara he loves her (which is freakin' hilarious, since all these two have done for the entire book is ball each other...how the heck they've "fallen in love" has escaped me), but he keeps getting distracted by the sight of her naked arse. Sara answers a ringing phone, and has a chirpy conversation with her bud about how Zach is trying to profess his love for her. Cute, right? No, not really. Not charming, not cute, unless you are maybe 8 or 9 years old. These two are now the alpha leaders of this wolf pack? This pack is so totally screwed.

After just finishing Molly Harper's adorable werewolf book, this one fell flat for me. The humor and characters were too immature for an adult paranormal romance. If anyone knows of a Shelly Laurenston book where the characters are more likable, speak now or forever hold your peace. I'm willing to give her one more chance, but I want a sure thing. (If the hero has a beard, that would be a bonus! hee hee).

Grade: C+

Stymied,
Penelope

Girl Crush, Boy Tush, Fairy Tale Rush

For some reason, the SyFy channel has been on an Underworld -kick. I can't stop watching it! Kate Beckinsale is absolutely amazing as the vampire warrior chick. She is super sexy, seductive, kick-ass and stunningly gorgeous. Those poor werewolves and vampire schmoes don't stand a chance with her. If I was a guy, and she was a girl (oops, she is a girl) and I wasn't married, and she wasn't married, and I wasn't a vampire or werewolf she wanted to stab with a sword.....I would totally ask her out on a date.

I finally gave up on the Bearotica book. I was willing to overlook the overabundance of sticky, hairy, disturbing images and bordering-on-pornography-sex-scenes, but I just can't overlook plain old bad writing. Some of these stories were horribly written...with major POV issues, the tenses jumping all over the place, etc. Geez, if you're gonna write beary, hairy porno stories, at least make sure your POV stays consistent. Is that too much to ask? (2 stars)

Fairy Tale Lust was another bust. I was excited to read it, since I totally dig stories that are funky twists on fairy tales, but this was all over the place. Some of them were okay, but some were very odd. I like it when there is a strong reference to the original fairy tale, and many of these were not recognizable as any traditional story. I did like the juxtaposition of paranormal next to modern next to traditional. The editor did a nice job mixing them up within the anthology. However, most of the stories felt too short and rushed to me. (3 stars)

Next up on the reading horizon: Pack Challenge by Shelley Laurenston--I'm giving her another try. The Prince's Groom by KT Grant--I'm going to attempt another M/M story...I hear one of the characters has a beard! And, Zoë Archer's Scoundrel. I can't wait to get back into this series!

All My Best,
Penelope

A Stomach Is An Organ That Digests Food: Just Sayin'

I have been reading a lot of erotica lately. Namely, Bearotica: Hot and Hairy Fiction , and more recently, Fairy Tale Lust: Erotica Fantasies for Women . I will be discussing these books at a later date. Today, I would like to discuss something that has been driving me crazy. Maybe it's because I used to be a biology teacher. Maybe it's because I'm a fan of horror movies. Whatever the reason, I need to point out a common error I have been finding in these erotica stories.

A stomach is an organ that digests food. See Diagram A....


Diagram A

A belly, or abdominal muscles, or abs look like this.....(see Diagram B)....



Diagram B (Courtesy of Marky Mark)

A "stomach" is not sexy. See Diagram C.....


Diagram C

Abs can be very sexy. See Diagrams D, E, and F.

Diagram D (Thanks, Hugh)



Diagram E (Thanks, Joe)


Diagram F (Yeah, it's the werewolf kid)

This is an unbelievably common error made in erotica, and it drives me nuts. There is nothing remotely sexy about someone licking another person's stomach (see Diagram A). No one can have a "flat stomach"....it is just not biologically possible. Nor is running your fingers over someone's stomach (unless you are a serial killer with a butcher knife). Here are some examples from the books I've been reading....


"...hair fans across his broad chest and tapers down his stomach."

"...his c*ck twitched, his nice tight stomach tightening again before her eyes."

"He began to come upward, licking her stomach and then her chest."

"I run my fingers over the taut skin of his stomach, pushing slightly to feel the shape of the muscles beneath."

"I squeezed a blob of shampoo into my bushy p*bes and lathered up my stomach and chest hair too."

"Golden-brown fur ran in a line down his muscled stomach and into his leather breeches."

"....as my own hard c*ck jumped against my stomach....."

Etc, etc, etc.



Honestly, I don't mind reading an erotic story with tons of mindless sex, unless I get to one of these sentences, and then all I can think of is......"Ewwwww! that is just....not.....possible!"

I am hoping that by educating erotica writers world-wide, this serious literary problem will be addressed.

I am also thinking of starting a side-business called "Penelope's Writing Tips and Rules of Grammar for P*rno Writers" which will include alternate terms for "stomach" and genitalia. As well as reinforcing the whole subject/verb agreement issue. Stuff like that.

Hope everyone is having a happy start to the week,
Penelope