Michelle Fegatofi's Blog, page 19
June 5, 2013
Deadly Sins in a BDSM Relationship
New people tend to want to jump in head first into a BDSM relationship without having any clue what will make them happy or really having even the most basic understand of a true M/s or D/s relationship. Each time I shake my head and tell myself "here is another one with no clue". It is a relationship that always ends up in heartbreak.
After being inundated with several questions about various do's and don'ts in a BDSM relationship, I decided pose a question to my FB audience asking them what they thought would be a Deadly Sin in a BDSM relationship.
Here is an amalgamation of the answers:
Dishonesty - outright lying, with holding information of any kind, being fake about likes or responsesDisrespect - topping from the bottom, talking about your Dom in a bad way to others Infidelity - taking orders from other Dominants, flirting or interacting with others without permissionNot taking care of yourself properlyNot using a safe wordNot communicating openlyTopping from the bottom
Now, after reading the list, you are thinking that many of the items listed are the same things you should not do in any type of relationship, vanilla or BDSM. That is true. But, in our world, committing any of these 'sins', can cause a deeper wound just from the fact that our connections tend to be deeper than those in a vanilla relationship.
Many people will take anything. This is a statement that applies equally to both dominant and submissive people. When you see what happens, especially online, you will agree with this sentiment. People submit to one simply because he says he is a "Dom" (or Master). It never occurs to them to question the validity of what this person is truly about. They simply take the statements as fact and whatever the Dom does or says as Law.
Why do I call this list "Deadly Sins"? Because, as a submissive, every 'sin' could be grounds for a harsh punishment, or if bad enough, your collar taken away. As a Dominant, these could cause your sub to lose trust in you and your fellow Dominants to lose all respect for you.
The online world is wrought with fakes, pretenders, and disappointment. We all encounter the same thing. Persistence is something that is required. Some are fortunate to hit what they like the first time; most are not. It takes a while to sift through all that doesn't work before finding what does. BDSM relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect, and open communication. That includes many branches, such as not lying, respecting your role and not overstepping your bounds.
So, bottom line, don't commit any of the 'Deadly Sins' and always keep communications open and honest.
After being inundated with several questions about various do's and don'ts in a BDSM relationship, I decided pose a question to my FB audience asking them what they thought would be a Deadly Sin in a BDSM relationship.
Here is an amalgamation of the answers:
Dishonesty - outright lying, with holding information of any kind, being fake about likes or responsesDisrespect - topping from the bottom, talking about your Dom in a bad way to others Infidelity - taking orders from other Dominants, flirting or interacting with others without permissionNot taking care of yourself properlyNot using a safe wordNot communicating openlyTopping from the bottom
Now, after reading the list, you are thinking that many of the items listed are the same things you should not do in any type of relationship, vanilla or BDSM. That is true. But, in our world, committing any of these 'sins', can cause a deeper wound just from the fact that our connections tend to be deeper than those in a vanilla relationship.
Many people will take anything. This is a statement that applies equally to both dominant and submissive people. When you see what happens, especially online, you will agree with this sentiment. People submit to one simply because he says he is a "Dom" (or Master). It never occurs to them to question the validity of what this person is truly about. They simply take the statements as fact and whatever the Dom does or says as Law.
Why do I call this list "Deadly Sins"? Because, as a submissive, every 'sin' could be grounds for a harsh punishment, or if bad enough, your collar taken away. As a Dominant, these could cause your sub to lose trust in you and your fellow Dominants to lose all respect for you.
The online world is wrought with fakes, pretenders, and disappointment. We all encounter the same thing. Persistence is something that is required. Some are fortunate to hit what they like the first time; most are not. It takes a while to sift through all that doesn't work before finding what does. BDSM relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect, and open communication. That includes many branches, such as not lying, respecting your role and not overstepping your bounds.
So, bottom line, don't commit any of the 'Deadly Sins' and always keep communications open and honest.
May 28, 2013
BBW in BDSM
Being a BBW, that's the acronym for Big Beautiful Woman for those who don't know, and kinky can be challenging in a multitude of ways. One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive. If you are self-conscious during a scene or playtime, you are not being submitting to your Dominant because you should not care what you look like, but only pleasing and obeying. If you are always worrying about being graceful or looking silly when in some submissive position your Dominant puts you in, your mind is not in submissive mode, but elsewhere. Your goal is to please your Dominant, no matter the situation, so you have to let go of all of the negative body images you think about yourself and say, 'you know I like what I see because it's all me!'
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you—running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself—things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you–as a whole person.Avoid looking at fashion magazines or catalogs that endorse emaciated women as the beauty ideal.Throw the scale away!!!Never forget You ARE Good enough!Start today so you can become not only a better submissive, but a more confident person.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive. If you are self-conscious during a scene or playtime, you are not being submitting to your Dominant because you should not care what you look like, but only pleasing and obeying. If you are always worrying about being graceful or looking silly when in some submissive position your Dominant puts you in, your mind is not in submissive mode, but elsewhere. Your goal is to please your Dominant, no matter the situation, so you have to let go of all of the negative body images you think about yourself and say, 'you know I like what I see because it's all me!'
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you—running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself—things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you–as a whole person.Avoid looking at fashion magazines or catalogs that endorse emaciated women as the beauty ideal.Throw the scale away!!!Never forget You ARE Good enough!Start today so you can become not only a better submissive, but a more confident person.
May 24, 2013
Warning Signs of a Fake Dominant
Many new people to the world of BDSM don't have the education and/or experience to tell the difference of what is considered 'normal' and what is abuse in the Lifestyle. Here is a list of things to look out for that are obvious signs of an Abuser posing as a Dominant.
Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner. Isolating the submissive from family and friends Discouraging self sufficient behavior Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant Out of control jealousy Explosive temper Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way Abuses drugs/alcoholDoes not take responsibility for mistakes Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way. Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation. Withdrawal of affection Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.If your Dominant shows any of these signs on a consistent basis, please seek advice or help from experienced Dominants or subs to get an unbiased opinion of the situation.
Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner. Isolating the submissive from family and friends Discouraging self sufficient behavior Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant Out of control jealousy Explosive temper Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way Abuses drugs/alcoholDoes not take responsibility for mistakes Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way. Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation. Withdrawal of affection Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.If your Dominant shows any of these signs on a consistent basis, please seek advice or help from experienced Dominants or subs to get an unbiased opinion of the situation.
May 21, 2013
Just a Quick Thank You!
I just want to thank all of you that have bought my book BDSM Basics for Beginners and for those that have showed support to me by donating to us on Paypal. I don't do this for the money, but for my love of the BDSM Lifestyle and hoping that my own experiences can help others to find their own way into this life.
If you have bought the book, please go to the site you purchased it from and rate it.
I hope you guys continue to find my blogs informative and please feel free to ask serious questions about the lifestyle. I will try my best to answer.
Remember, you can follow me on many different outlets:
www.bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com
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http://michellefegatofi.tumblr.com/
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http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi
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Michelle FegatofiMay 20, 2013
Respect and Submission
Respect is very important in the lifestyle. A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Masters teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
May 18, 2013
The Purest Love
The Purest Commitmentby Michelle Fegatofi
The Love of a Master can not be compared to anything else in this Life,For a Master's Love is unbreakable through all manner of woes, illness and strife.As people in your life come and go, even family drifts away,A submissive always knows her Master is there to stay.A bond so deep and pure, that it sets your heart to leaping,A Love so very strong, simply witnessing it will have you weeping.Our rituals and ways seem brutal and foreign to many across the land,But nothing compares to the feelings of being taken in hand.As Master commands, we serve with pride in any way His will may be,For the love we share and the trust we feel, allows us to serve freely and proudly on bended knee.
May 14, 2013
Human Pet Play in BDSM
Pet Play or Animal roleplay may be either a non-sexual or an erotic sexual role-play (when it may also be called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play). In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably canines (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Animal role play is also used in a BDSM context, where a person may be humiliated by being treated as an animal.
Not all Pet Play is animalistic behavior. Sometimes you just want to dress up as an animal and have some fun.
Why pet play?One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.
Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the
home.
It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.
Puppy training has become really popular with some dominants and masters to help their submissives know what it means to be completely dependent on another and also to teach them how to respond to non verbal and verbal clues quicker and more effectively. Some submissives have been taught their place again by just incorporating a few days of puppy play into the relationship every few months. Being a puppy gives one lots of time to think and this also helps when a submissive or slave has lost their way.
How does one engage in pet play?Restrict movement via bondage.Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.Caging.Not being allowed on furniture without permission.
Pet play can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.
The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably canines (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Animal role play is also used in a BDSM context, where a person may be humiliated by being treated as an animal.
Not all Pet Play is animalistic behavior. Sometimes you just want to dress up as an animal and have some fun.
Why pet play?One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.
Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the
home.
It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.
Puppy training has become really popular with some dominants and masters to help their submissives know what it means to be completely dependent on another and also to teach them how to respond to non verbal and verbal clues quicker and more effectively. Some submissives have been taught their place again by just incorporating a few days of puppy play into the relationship every few months. Being a puppy gives one lots of time to think and this also helps when a submissive or slave has lost their way.
How does one engage in pet play?Restrict movement via bondage.Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.Caging.Not being allowed on furniture without permission.
Pet play can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.
May 9, 2013
Welcome to All of My New Readers!
I wanted to take a minute and welcome all of my new readers. I hope you find my posts very interesting and helpful for your own path into the world of BDSM. I suggest you look in the past archives and browse those articles to see if any might peak your interest or be helpful.
You can also sign up to follow my blog to the right so you always are kept up to date when I post new things.
You can also follow me on the web here:
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/BdsmInternational
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I have written a book for those that are new to the BDSM Lifestyle or those of you that want to know more about it. You can purchase a copy here:
Lulu (Paperback, PDF, ePub) http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi
Amazon (Paperback) http://www.amazon.com/Bdsm-Basics-Beginners-Dominants-Submissives/
Barnes and Noble (Nook book) http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bdsm-basics-for-beginners-a-guide-for-dominants-and-submissives
Apple iBook store https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/isbn9781300838609
If you ever have questions or want to ask me something, you can message me at the FB page BDSM International.
Thanks again for following!
Michelle Fegatofi
You can also sign up to follow my blog to the right so you always are kept up to date when I post new things.
You can also follow me on the web here:
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/BdsmInternational
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/MichelleFegatofi
Google http://plus.google.com/u/0/b/112450374015048658322
Tumblr http://michellefegatofi.tumblr.com/
Pinterest http://pinterest.com/BdsmUnveiled/
Goodreads http://www.goodreads.com/MichelleFegatofi
Fetlife https://fetlife.com/groups/69618
Twitter https://twitter.com/MFegatofi
I have written a book for those that are new to the BDSM Lifestyle or those of you that want to know more about it. You can purchase a copy here:
Lulu (Paperback, PDF, ePub) http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi
Amazon (Paperback) http://www.amazon.com/Bdsm-Basics-Beginners-Dominants-Submissives/
Barnes and Noble (Nook book) http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bdsm-basics-for-beginners-a-guide-for-dominants-and-submissives
Apple iBook store https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/isbn9781300838609
If you ever have questions or want to ask me something, you can message me at the FB page BDSM International.
Thanks again for following!
Michelle Fegatofi
May 5, 2013
Proudly Living a BDSM Lifestyle in the Open
"Don’t try to be someone you aren’t. You will hate yourself for it and the effort to maintain the façade will exhaust you." ~ Larry Winget
Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.
Because BDSM is so misunderstood, people often experience shame and self-hatred before coming out as BDSM participants. Secrecy about one's sexual desires can lead to problems with spouses and difficulty connecting with their community for fear of being "found out".
While mainstream culture fetishizes, for example, breasts and lacy black negligees, kinky people often have similar interests in leather, rubber or feet. Other forms of BDSM involve sexual practices that play with power dynamics between partners, unusual forms of stimulation such as "pain" (think: hickies or biting at the height of sexual passion), constraint or sensory deprivation or "dark" emotions such as fear, anxiety and anger played in a theater of eroticism. There is wide variety within this community: some people merely incorporate some kinky practices into a private sexual life as a couple, while others live a total BDSM lifestyle.
Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are "different".
Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.
This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.
I hid myself for many years from everyone, especially my family. After becoming a 24/7 live-in slave to my Padrone, I decided from the beginning to not hide that fact from my family, friends, or anyone else. I wear my collar with pride all the time, it literally never comes off. We don't shouve our choice of relationship into people's faces, nor do we hide it either. I call him Padrone all the time, in public and in front of my family.
I understand many of you may not be able to do that because of your jobs or associations you have in your vanilla lives. But, if you really are serious about living a real life BDSM relationship with your partner, then start taking steps to slowly break it to your family and your friends. There are many ways you can still respect your D/s relationship in a vanilla setting, you just have to find that balance.
If you want to try to break the news to your parents, I suggest you start by maintaining what I call lite D/s around them. Things like having your submissive get your drink, maybe calling you a specific name or title, sitting in a certain position (floor, to your left, ect) and allowing your family to get used to that. Then, if you think they can handle more information, tell them a little about D/s using the analogy of a 1950s style relationship where the man is the head of the household and the woman does as he says and abides by his decisions.
There are many ways to do it, you just have to go with what you think will make everyone the most comfortable. But, I do encourage you to start living your lifestyle in the open and taking pride in it.
Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.
Because BDSM is so misunderstood, people often experience shame and self-hatred before coming out as BDSM participants. Secrecy about one's sexual desires can lead to problems with spouses and difficulty connecting with their community for fear of being "found out".
While mainstream culture fetishizes, for example, breasts and lacy black negligees, kinky people often have similar interests in leather, rubber or feet. Other forms of BDSM involve sexual practices that play with power dynamics between partners, unusual forms of stimulation such as "pain" (think: hickies or biting at the height of sexual passion), constraint or sensory deprivation or "dark" emotions such as fear, anxiety and anger played in a theater of eroticism. There is wide variety within this community: some people merely incorporate some kinky practices into a private sexual life as a couple, while others live a total BDSM lifestyle.
Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are "different".
Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.
This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.
I hid myself for many years from everyone, especially my family. After becoming a 24/7 live-in slave to my Padrone, I decided from the beginning to not hide that fact from my family, friends, or anyone else. I wear my collar with pride all the time, it literally never comes off. We don't shouve our choice of relationship into people's faces, nor do we hide it either. I call him Padrone all the time, in public and in front of my family.
I understand many of you may not be able to do that because of your jobs or associations you have in your vanilla lives. But, if you really are serious about living a real life BDSM relationship with your partner, then start taking steps to slowly break it to your family and your friends. There are many ways you can still respect your D/s relationship in a vanilla setting, you just have to find that balance.
If you want to try to break the news to your parents, I suggest you start by maintaining what I call lite D/s around them. Things like having your submissive get your drink, maybe calling you a specific name or title, sitting in a certain position (floor, to your left, ect) and allowing your family to get used to that. Then, if you think they can handle more information, tell them a little about D/s using the analogy of a 1950s style relationship where the man is the head of the household and the woman does as he says and abides by his decisions.
There are many ways to do it, you just have to go with what you think will make everyone the most comfortable. But, I do encourage you to start living your lifestyle in the open and taking pride in it.
May 4, 2013
When Your Submissive Suffers from Clinical Depression
I normally don't post anything from others, but felt this post from a good friend, needed sharing.
DepressionBy Tammie Pourner in BdsmForBeginners
Structure is incredibly useful for persons suffering with depression. Setting clear, attainable daily tasks (even if your dynamic is long distance) can do a lot to keep a depressed mood from becoming inability to get out of bed. In the worst times, it may have to be something as simple as "You must go to work 4 days out of 5 every week. You must take a shower every other day at 10:30pm." Simple, everyday tasks can be easier to tolerate if they're turned into power dynamic chores, rather than just one more thing they have to try to manage on their own. Professional programs force clients to live by strict rules about when they wake up, when they eat, when they shower, etc, and having those things become automated means that they don't have to make any decisions about it.
On the flip side of that, though, is patience. When depression is at its worst, things you don't even consider on a daily basis become arduous tasks. Deciding what to wear can feel like a herculean task, which is why so many who suffer from depression wear their pajamas for days on end. Some of these things can be incorporated into your power dynamic, but you also need to be aware that some days your sub will not be able to achieve these tasks. At that point, you should also have a boundary which, when crossed, makes professional intervention mandatory. (If they cannot hold down simple self care tasks for longer than a week, and they're not in any sort of professional therapy, this is a good start.)
Your submissive may fantasize about total power exchanges, where they're no longer responsible for the simplest of decisions in their life. This is almost always counter productive if they are actively symptomatic and/or not in treatment. You may use this to your advantage, to encourage active participation in therapeutic processes -- the more they engage their treatment, the more power you take from them. It can create some odd exchanges, like, "If you meet all of your therapists' requests this week, I will give you one day where all of your decisions will be made by Me."
Find and use non-sexual ways of establishing your power dynamic. Frequently, depression and the meds used to treat it can kill sexual desire. This does not always lessen the submissive's desire to serve. Perhaps just sitting at your feet and being stroked and comforted when things are at their most challenging helps remind them of the power dynamic without bringing sex into it at all.
Make sure you're spending time with people who aren't depressed. There is an energetic field around those suffering from depression that loves to latch onto others. Frequently, long term partners of depressives seek out therapy so they can maintain their grip on their own functionality while assisting their partner.
Make it clear to your sub that suicide threats will always be taken seriously. You are not a professional (unless you are, and then you're under different strictures) and should not try to differentiate between suicidal ideation (talking about suicide as an option) and planning to kill oneself. Once you take a stand, stick to it no matter how difficult it may be. Fifteen percent of patients with MDD will kill themselves, and many of them will show marked signs of their decision, but won't discuss it before it happens. Know the signs of suicidal tendencies and act when you feel uncomfortable, even if it's just calling your submissive's therapist and discussing your feelings with them.
