Shea Zellweger's Blog, page 3
October 29, 2015
The Hole Chapter 2
This story begins here
"Twins"Quentin and Quinton were twins. They lived in a house in the middle of Nowhere, Montana, with their parents and their older brother who was named Bolton, but had been going by Buck since the day after the third time a classmate serenaded him with an embarrassing song. Nowhere was a nice enough place to live in; there were trees and boulders to play on, mountains to climb, and more great hiding places than you could shake a stick at. There was also an abundance of...
"Twins"Quentin and Quinton were twins. They lived in a house in the middle of Nowhere, Montana, with their parents and their older brother who was named Bolton, but had been going by Buck since the day after the third time a classmate serenaded him with an embarrassing song. Nowhere was a nice enough place to live in; there were trees and boulders to play on, mountains to climb, and more great hiding places than you could shake a stick at. There was also an abundance of...
October 22, 2015
The Hole Chapter 1
No Idea how long this story is going to be. Let's find out Together.
The Hole
Chapter 1: Names
What is wrong with parents today? It seems like they are all competing to see who can come up with the craziest names for their children. You may be too young to remember a time before this was the case, but I assure you that it was just a few years ago when parents found their children's names in normal places. A baby boy might be named after his grandfather, or perhaps his name came from a holy book...
The Hole
Chapter 1: Names
What is wrong with parents today? It seems like they are all competing to see who can come up with the craziest names for their children. You may be too young to remember a time before this was the case, but I assure you that it was just a few years ago when parents found their children's names in normal places. A baby boy might be named after his grandfather, or perhaps his name came from a holy book...
October 15, 2015
Five Things Only People From Here Will Get
1) Our Local Eatery
You know how we all love to get food from this one place that only exists here, and how when we talk about it in other locations, people are understandably clueless to its existence yet we act as though they are unaware of a national landmark? We're all like "How can you not know about the Mount Rushmore of underwhelming food!?" Yeah, that's totally something about this place.
2) That One Thing We Say
Oh man, the way people react when we say that one regionalism. Only people...
You know how we all love to get food from this one place that only exists here, and how when we talk about it in other locations, people are understandably clueless to its existence yet we act as though they are unaware of a national landmark? We're all like "How can you not know about the Mount Rushmore of underwhelming food!?" Yeah, that's totally something about this place.
2) That One Thing We Say
Oh man, the way people react when we say that one regionalism. Only people...
October 8, 2015
IDemand Satisfaction
Jury members of varying genders, these are the facts of the case, and they are indisputable.
Fact the First:I am, and am known to be, what is commonly referred to as "financially challenged." We financially challenged humans lack a key enzyme whose responsibility it is to synthesize money for the body and us such, we don't make very much money. While great advances have been made in treatment of financial challenge, the latest remedies are unavailable in most parts of the United States, so suf...
Fact the First:I am, and am known to be, what is commonly referred to as "financially challenged." We financially challenged humans lack a key enzyme whose responsibility it is to synthesize money for the body and us such, we don't make very much money. While great advances have been made in treatment of financial challenge, the latest remedies are unavailable in most parts of the United States, so suf...
October 1, 2015
Pop Haiku
The top ten songs on the Billboard Canadian top 100, summarized by haiku.* That is all.
10) "Downtown," by Macklemore etc.
I ride a moped.
Cheapskate rapping is my thing.
Remember "Thrift Shop"?
9) "Renegades" by X Ambassadors
We should be different,
Maybe do creative stuff.
hey hey hey hey hey
8) "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran
Love's Temporary:
Photographs are forever.
It beats Nickelback.
7)"The Hills" by The Weeknd
I have no boundaries,
So I get stoned and call you.
Amharic Outro.
6) "Cheerleader" by OMI
Male C...
10) "Downtown," by Macklemore etc.
I ride a moped.
Cheapskate rapping is my thing.
Remember "Thrift Shop"?
9) "Renegades" by X Ambassadors
We should be different,
Maybe do creative stuff.
hey hey hey hey hey
8) "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran
Love's Temporary:
Photographs are forever.
It beats Nickelback.
7)"The Hills" by The Weeknd
I have no boundaries,
So I get stoned and call you.
Amharic Outro.
6) "Cheerleader" by OMI
Male C...
September 24, 2015
Night of the Living Bread, Pt. 2
Part 1 Here
"Let's see," Patsy checked the directions on the package for the eighth time. "So I use the gluten-free setting, delay it for three hours, and twenty-eight minutes later, no more gluten for us. Seems simple enough!" She programmed the bread maker accordingly and retired to her chambers for the evening.
The first three hours passed without incident, because of course they did: nothing ever happens during a delay.
Twenty-eight minutes later, though...
"Graaaaiiins," came a moan from the...
"Let's see," Patsy checked the directions on the package for the eighth time. "So I use the gluten-free setting, delay it for three hours, and twenty-eight minutes later, no more gluten for us. Seems simple enough!" She programmed the bread maker accordingly and retired to her chambers for the evening.
The first three hours passed without incident, because of course they did: nothing ever happens during a delay.
Twenty-eight minutes later, though...
"Graaaaiiins," came a moan from the...
September 17, 2015
Night of the Living Bread, Pt. 1
Here's a little half-baked story I cooked up last night. I look forward to the graphic novel I'm sure you're all anxious to create.
Roger C. G. McGregor stood in the kitchen, eyeing the box of Pop Tarts he'd hidden in the pantry. Ever since his quack of a doctor had told him he had a gluten intolerance his wife had been insufferable, concerned for his well-being though she may have been. To maintain a steady supply of his favorite protein composite, Roger had been forced to hide small deposits...
Roger C. G. McGregor stood in the kitchen, eyeing the box of Pop Tarts he'd hidden in the pantry. Ever since his quack of a doctor had told him he had a gluten intolerance his wife had been insufferable, concerned for his well-being though she may have been. To maintain a steady supply of his favorite protein composite, Roger had been forced to hide small deposits...
September 10, 2015
My Latest Venture
I've decided it's time for me to branch out a bit and gain some entrepreneurial experience. At first, I thought I would just invent the next exercise craze. After all, someone watching people do "The Cha Cha Slide" at a wedding went home and invented Zumba, so it couldn't be that hard. But then I realized I'd have to get in some semblance of shape in order to sell my product and that sounded suspiciously like work, so I moved on to my back up plan. You know how all these shops with cutesy nam...
September 3, 2015
3 Must-Haves for the Successful Innovator
So, you've invented a dingus and now you're an up-and-coming something-or-other in the fabulous world of technology. Good for you! Of course you know this means you must now change everything about yourself. Who you are now simply will not work in the marketplace and in this industry, what you're really selling is yourself. Luck you, though. We've got three perfect products to help.
1) Elon's Musk
Perhaps the great ideas man of our time, Elon Musk has become a household name in recent years for...
1) Elon's Musk
Perhaps the great ideas man of our time, Elon Musk has become a household name in recent years for...
August 27, 2015
Revenge of the Sith, Finally Understood.
Hey, remember when this happened?
And then remember when we all saw this and thought to ourselves "Hey! Wait a minute..."?
Much like you, I have spent the better part of the last ten years wondering to myself how it is that George Lucas could possibly have forgotten Episode IV when he dictated Episode III - or, had he not forgotten that, how he could possibly expect people to watch those two films in immediate succession (like normal people do) and not catch the glaring contradiction.
Well, wond...
And then remember when we all saw this and thought to ourselves "Hey! Wait a minute..."?
Much like you, I have spent the better part of the last ten years wondering to myself how it is that George Lucas could possibly have forgotten Episode IV when he dictated Episode III - or, had he not forgotten that, how he could possibly expect people to watch those two films in immediate succession (like normal people do) and not catch the glaring contradiction.
Well, wond...
