Robb Lightfoot's Blog: Robb Lightfoot - Humor Me, page 31

Who IS That Man in the Wedge Heels? @robblightfoot

More on this story a bit later today. But guess who’s out there, semi-strapless?

The World’s Ugliest Handbag @robblightfoot

Egads… This is Karin’s first choice.

http://www.active.com/donate/walkamile/robblightfoot

Handbag Alert! – Robb Is At Risk – @robblightfoot

http://www.active.com/donate/walkamile/robblightfoot

Gulp. You generous people have put me within $140, as I write this, of having to carry a handbag in addition to walking in heels. The shave-the-legs challenge isn’t going to happen as that would take several grand…

But there’s a definite chance that you folks may see me carrying a handbag of my wife’s choosing. No… she’s not going to let me carry my Colbert Tote Bag.

Or So It Seems – Invasion of the Closet Snatchers

This week’s installment of my humor column. #orsoitseems @robblightfoot http://anewscafe.com/2013/04/11/or-so-it-seems-invasion-of-the-closet-snatchers/

Dana Carvey Put Me in the Hospital @robblightfoot

Here’s the “free” bracelet they give you when you check into Mercy ER.

I blame Dana Carvey because I was sprinting, or attempting to sprint, to his recent Redding performance when something popped in my right leg and I got the charlie-horse-from hell.  I did limp on over to the theater, and they let me in late. I sat there as my leg swelled up. On stage, Carvey did a bit about “life after 50.” This included a demonstration how you suddenly develop limps from ordinary movements.

I think he must have been watching me out in the parking lot.

But, hey, I manned up and walked to the theater several blocks away. The problem came later, after the show, when we left  and my leg was feeling oh-so-strange. Walking was now problematic, and I looked a bit like the Mummy crossing the street. I ordered dinner, and blacked out. I did manage to avoid a face-plant into my food, but I scared the daylights out of my wife. I revived when they sat me down and elevated my leg. Karin insisted I go to the ER, and I was in no condition to disagree. We spend a not-so-romantic Saturday night watching the security staff eject an agitated man and then explaining how I had managed to tear up my leg by just trying to run across a parking lot.

After a surprisingly brief wait, I was given a neuro test, which consists of a game of charades. You smile, you roll your eyes, and then play keep-away with the attendant’s pinky. I passed the tests, and moved into the next round of competition, which resembled the #JimmyFallon show. I had a bunch of round adhesive EKG contacts pasted onto my hairy chest. They ran a test, and the lines on the paper apparently squiggled in all the right places. Unfortunately, I still had to have the pads ripped off my person, leaving  bald spots. This, I believe, to provide some serious negative reinforcement if you ever even THINKING of blacking out again.

I was told to see an orthopedist, and sent home.

So, I’m entering the #walkamileinhershoes with a genuine handicap. Karin is now cautioning me against showing up in heels. But, hey, I’m still game. I’ve seen the video of a one-legged man participating, out there in heels. If he can do it, so can I.

Just one thing… anyone got a set of crutches a 6-foot-tall guy could borrow?

Maybe I could ask Dana Carvey.

Older Than #Earthday – @robblightfoot

I keep getting pestered by Facebook to provide my birthday. I’ve refrained, mostly because I would rather people call me on the phone that just click a Facebook link.

So, for those who really want to know, beyond some FB algorithm, it’s April 22-Earth Day. But I am older than Earth Day….

Don’t need any presents, but you CAN make a tax-free donation to the local women’s shelter to support the upcoming #walkamileinhershoes

Here’s the link to that.

http://www.active.com/donate/walkamile/robblightfoot

 

Older That #Earthday – @robblightfoot

I keep getting pestered by Facebook to provide my birthday. I’ve refrained, mostly because I would rather people call me on the phone that just click a Facebook link.

So, for those who really want to know, beyond some FB algorithm, it’s April 22-Earth Day. But I am older than Earth Day….

Don’t need any presents, but you CAN make a tax-free donation to the local women’s shelter to support the upcoming #walkamileinhershoes

Here’s the link to that.

http://www.active.com/donate/walkamile/robblightfoot

 

#Excuses I’ve Heard or Used… Blame the Cat @robblightfoot

I’ve been a teacher for almost 30 years. After a while, you think you’ve heard every alibi. Dogs and kid brothers figure large in many stories. You know: “The dog ate my kid brother, who was holding my homework.” Cats, though, don’t get their fair share of blame. This is wrong, because around our house cats cause a LOT more trouble. I have a shoebox full of ceramic causalities caused by little Stormy, a cat that loves to knock things off the shelf. Up to now, though, she hadn’t seemed to get in the way of my writing.

Then my laser printer starting giving me problems with jams and mis-feeds. Puzzling. It had worked just fine until I moved it into the living room.

Hmmm… Oh? Mystery solved!

I can’t wait to get the estimate on extracting a fake-mouse catnip or an actual regurgitated rodent.  But at least I’ll have an original excuse for MY editors when I tell them I can’t submit my piece on time….

I experienced a pint-sized computer catastrophe.

 

 

 

Runner’s up – Shoe Stuff

Here’s some runner’s up in the shoe selection process. Most of them had heels deemed unsafe to walk on… by someone like me.

The Winner Is…. @robblightfoot reveals his high heel wedge shoes

http://www.active.com/donate/walkamile/robblightfoot

Here’s the shoes I’ll be wearing. The polka dots can go with about anything. That’s good. Because if I reach 200% of my goal, I’ll be carrying a handbag of my wife’s choosing.