Evan Sanders's Blog, page 91

A Soul On Fire Lit The Trees

 

Our hearts blossom and die, in perfect unison, with the comings and goings of this world.

It was the uprooting of the heart, the tearing apart of the soul and the act of life kicking dirt in my eyes that made me who I am today. This has made me the proud man I am today sitting here on the porch of my house writing to you. The happy times stand as memories in my mind. Moments that make me smile when thought upon. Combatants to those times that have brought me to my knees. But like I said previously, it was the times of regret, fear, and worry that brought me to this point. They have turned me into a positive man. One who continuously struggles with the balance of seeing the best that life has to offer and being aware of the not so cloaked acts of those who consciously or subconsciously try to destroy pieces of my world.

My world was created because my soul is on fire.

I know now is not my time…I am not the man yet I want to put in front of you. Hard to admit, but it’s the truth nonetheless. The man I want to put in front of you is going to be much more than simply what I have set out to accomplish – he’s going to have this fire about him and passion for life that could burn down trees. I haven’t grown into that man yet, but I do know this….that when I put him in front of you, when the time comes, I intend to do nothing but knock your socks off. Soon, in time, you will see him. I can’t wait for that day.

There is a frustrating but rewarding tug of war that exists in my everyday walking on this earth. The gripping of the past versus the pulling of my present. It doesn’t help that I have been blessed with an exceptional visual memory as the events throughout my past days play through my mind as tapestries would unfold from their tied placements. They play through my mind without my permission and prick my emotions with subtle suggestions of old feelings. If humored these feelings turn into full-blown moments that have the power to bring me down to my darkest. I am careful with these colorful moments fleeting through my mind.

As it exists now in this moment though there are beautiful pieces of these haunting memories that can only be seen when focused upon. The light can often be swallowed by the overwhelming mouth and greedy teeth of pain. Once its hooks are in us they split our skin as we try to get past the barb. Yet if we focus, on those old memories that we would rather choose to not look back on we can see the best in everything. We can see something that is so hard to see – the happiness of the moment we were in.

The developments of relationships and feelings over time, if gone sour, can cloak everything and turn our happiness into an opaque memory. We leave something only to point out the problems as if this was some cure all way of making ourselves feel better and believe that we are now better off than we were. But the truth is, better is an almost impossible concept to define when it relates to the impossible undependability of life. What I choose to see is that whatever was happening in my life at that time was the most perfect thing that could have happened in order to allow me to grow.

Call the events that happen to us good or bad as you wish, but the truth is they are all just different. We attribute the appointed lessons to us with names and definitions that may or may not truly represent the significance of the moment. I believe wholeheartedly that we can choose our path willingly and on that path there will be events that teach us important lessons. In the end, our experiences as we wander blindly through this thing called life are indeed just lessons to be learned. Those who choose to live in a world full of denial will never learn until they accept the truth – and that is the fundamental difference between what was perceived to happen and what actually happened.

When you look yourself in the mirror, you see a man or woman who is defined by the experiences and events of the past. You are defined primarily by the choices you have made and decided to live out. This for many can be haunting but for those who know that this life is indeed their responsibility and everything that is a mess before this current moment is their to clean up – well, they are truly free. They aren’t controlled by anything that has happened previously. They are free.

The sum of all moments can be turned into a different type of equation then the one you see today. See a different outcome for yourself and make the change – for you – not for someone else.

- Evan Sanders

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The Most Incredible Moment

 

There was this incredible moment last night as I walked behind the set on Dancing With The Stars premier and I want to tell you about it. This moment could not have been more special.

For the longest time I have had this image in my mind that has festered within. A trifecta – a complete unison between the mind, the body, and the soul. It is this grouping of 3 that I see the greatest amount of light, passion, and fire within my heart. I’ll come back to this in a second.

As I was walking behind my friends last night behind the stage, I had this moment where everything got very very quite. Eerily quiet. It’s strange because as I was walking in I knew there was loud music and people clapping on the dance floor excited for what was to come. But it wall went silent. I had this moment of clarity and knew this was a moment that I was going to relive soon in the future. I guess you could call it a moment of foreshadowing for deja vu. In that moment I knew I was meant to do this again, but instead of walking behind this stage to dance, I would walk behind this stage and enter in front of thousands of people to speak.

The heavens turned the noise back on and I found myself clapping with a little hop in my step – all being completely offbeat. The excitement of this moment had delivered me to some time in the future and I had arrived with full intention of accomplishing what needed to be done in that moment. I lived forward for a few seconds. I felt what was to come, and that feeling has remained in my stomach even until this afternoon.

As I sat in my chair watching my roommate take the stage and dance beautifully, I had this feeling of warmth. Those hands that were washed away off my shoulders in the shower yesterday were placed warmly across my back. I knew this was a special moment.

My dreams scare the shit out of me. But that’s how I know they are proper in size. They have scared me so many times that I have put them aside for more time living an old life. That moment last night however brought something to my attention that I feel like I had been “searching” for. I had been looking for the greatest amount of time but never found what I needed. Thing is, maybe that pain is what I needed. The insecurity, the doubt, the anguish I had to go through during a time when things seemed so opaque. Maybe that is exactly what I needed to understand what clarity really does look like. When I think back to it now, I am almost positive.

There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.

- Kenneth Blanchard

It took me a long long time to get to that moment – the moment when all doubt was removed from my mind about what I was supposed to do. I have had bits and pieces delivered to me throughout time, but this took everything away – all doubt, anxiety, worry.

I believe in what I am doing. But something rooted inside of me last night. Something told me that there is now a bit more than just belief. The vision has become razor-sharp with a commitment that has been lit aflame.

Mind. Body. Soul. Lets see what happens when you connect all 3.

- Evan Sanders

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Don’t Let Em Say You Ain’t Beautiful

 

We all have that place

That private world

Where we can disappear

Mine’s the floor of the shower

Lights off

Arms wrapped around my tucked legs

Head onto my knees

The water drips off my hair over my closed eyes

I come to this place

At my worst

To breathe

To feel the patter of the rain on my upper back

The feeling almost replaces a hand

But I learn to be comfortable in my own skin

—

The cards we are dealt

Weren’t asked for

They are simply flipped to you

And you have to wait with your hands open

That thing called life

Either sprouts a smile on your face

Or makes your heart stop

Sometimes feeling like it’s getting ripped from your chest

I’ve always been able to wear my pain

But this pain is almost unbearable

Another scar across my chest

Left with a void

I’ve tried to fill it

Only to have substance leak out of the holes

—

The water patters

That feeling of a hand washes down my back

Gone

And yet as empty as things sounds

My fingers move to the grout between the tiles

And grip onto the corners

Pulling myself together

And lifting my head to the ceiling

Ready to take this situation

And get my own

So I run my fingers over that scar on my chest

As deep as the grooves in the floor

And pick myself up

To move forward

Beautiful

- Evan Sanders

 

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Into The Woods

Whatever is going on inside is quite confusing. At a time when things are so simple, there lies a deep reverberating confusion that trips me up every once in a while. It seems that most of the time when I lay my head down on the pillow at the end of the day it comes into the forefront of my mind. And there’s really no answer to it. It just sits there as if to say “Hello. Don’t think I’m going anywhere.”

I’ve been dealt those cards and I’ve flipped them to see exactly what they are. I think for a while I was scared to even turn them both over in the fear that I might discover exactly what I already knew was there. They weren’t suspicions because I was very aware of that storm brewing inside. But, and this is a big but, I still didn’t want to recognize it for exactly what it was.

I have come to  terms with a lot of things over the past few years, but in all honesty most of the beasts and demons, at least the biggest of them have taken years to put a significant dent in. But when i realized that there is nothing inherently that you have to be afraid of in life, these black pits began to become exposed for exactly what they were. The fear of abandonment, failure, addictive foods and broken heartedness quickly became something in the background of my mind. Sure, they will present themselves once in a while – but going that way now is a choice rather than a forced imprisonment.

People have asked me before how I can spend hours in the gym? Why I go two times a day? What’s the point of what I am doing? I have told them many times over that when I am in there the world around me disappears and I am able to bring myself into a state of utter concentration. When I hit that state, my mind digs into my past and forces it out into the present. When it arrives there, I take the negative – anger, hate, depression, loneliness and anxiety and throw it into the weights. I take the stories, the events, the insults, the fights and use it as a way to make myself stronger. I have effectively found a way to create an incredibly strong foundation by using the negative parts of my past to make myself stronger.

Our dreams don’t work unless we do. Therefore, you have to put in a massive amount of effort to accomplish something you never have. This effort can either deter you or excite you. Even though I am tired most days from the day before, I am passionate about taking one more step towards accomplishing my goals.

I have been the personal destroyer of my dreams many times because I haven’t taken the responsibility to accept what was in my life. When you accept your life as it is and further decide that everything is in your control (besides the weather and such) then you have given yourself the greatest and most demanding gift of all time. It is all on you. Good. Now go get it.

- Evan Sanders

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When I Look Up At The Sky

When I look up at the sky, I don’t feel small. I feel connected to everything out there. Because I know that the stars light has taken thousands upon thousands of years to get here and I feel the ancient energy of the universe. I know that the energy that is in that exploding star somewhere out there is the same energy that is within me. It is this same energy that has caused me to go from a man who felt cut off from the world to a man who now feels like my existence is a absolutely necessary to the wheel that makes everything turn.

I have experienced feeling entirely cut off. But that’s because I felt that I was a moving piece in a world of solids and molasses. When I lived in that world everything I tried to do and the messages I tried to convey were only bounced back upon me. I see things entirely different now. I see that everything is moving. Everything is energy. Our emotions, our thoughts, our actions send ripples out into the world and the rest of the universe as if they were waves. The greater the effort, the grander the message, the more pure the intention the vaster and heavier the wave. These waves move upon people, through them, and cover them in whatever you wish to portray.

I have been asked many many times if it is hard to write what I write. The answer used to be “at times yes” but now I understand that even though I don’t see the direct impact of my writing, I know that those waves are out there effecting the people who read my work. Yes, this is a personal journey. But it is also an opportunity to make a difference in someone else’s life as well. If I make a ripple for another person and that changes the course of their day or brings them out of a bad place – that is a job well done for me. Because then they go out and make a difference for someone else and the combined impacts of this type of action are endless. The impact is sometimes unseen but indisputable.

I write because I understand that each and every time I come to the computer I can throw a message out there which changes the way the world is currently working today. Maybe it’s not all encompassing. Maybe some messages are deeper than others. But I believer fully within my heart that with pure intent and love based action – those differences are being felt in places that I have never even visited.

I have come to realize through almost 4 years of this project that my actions are not just about me – they are about everyone else around me. And that is one major way I have grown. I think about how other people are going to be impacted by what I decide to do. To be honest, this actually isn’t as confusing or taxing as you would think. It really keeps me on course and  send me in the direction of bringing positivity into the world.

So before you make that rude remark…before you look away and not smile…before you slack and not give the world what you have to offer – think about others. Think about the type of impact you are making and really ask yourself if you are adding to the greater good. Because we are all connected. We are all part of this piece and we all have amazing energy inside of us.

Bring it to the table.

- Evan Sanders

 

 

 

 

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The Meep

Hi

You see, meep

I made the choice to remember you this way

There’s hardly a day that goes by that I don’t think about you

In fact I catch myself seeing you when I am staring at other faces

I was frustrated at first

But then like you told me

I just absorbed it completely

And made it a piece of me

There are things I miss dearly

Looking at the stars at night

Going to eat at random places

The long drives in the car

Talking about almost anything

An undeniable companionship

And everything that came with it

An unstoppable team we were

Despite how often we tried to stop

I felt like there was a hole in my heart

And that I was left in a rush

But the truth is you never left

I know you to well for that

Because as much as I think

You equal my inner efforts

There’s no doubt in my mind

That I sit in the back of your head

And yet, who thought I would say this

I hope you are smiling wide

That smile could brighten the world

Just like it did mine for a time

How wonderful it is

That I had something so great

Which made parting so painful

I guess that’s one way of looking at it

Or it may be that you never left

You are just stuck somewhere inside

I can feel you rooting around in there

Complaining about it being hot or cold

And it just makes me laugh

That piece never left, no

It was always there

Maybe it sucked so much

Because it wasn’t torn out

Just lit on fire from within

But there’s no hole left

Just a smoldering ember

Marked by your heart

Forever warm – not cold

Remembered

In the best of ways

Meep

 

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On Impact and Why We Do What We Do

Impact.

I guess it’s a word that I think of a lot. There are so many questions I have surrounding impact. What is the impact of my actions? Am I really making the impact I have set out to make? What can I do to reach more people and make a greater impact? These questions are inspiring and at the same time frustrating. But I don’t want to talk about those questions today. I want to talk about something completely different than that.

Why do we do what we do?

The truth is, my project didn’t start with any intention to write towards anyone else. It started for one reason: me. I was a mess. I still can be a mess at times. How could you appreciate a clean room if you didn’t destroy your clothes every once in a while getting ready for a date? But as time went on and people started to read, I had to change what I was doing a little bit because I had grown and felt a sense of responsibility.

People were relating. Well, maybe that’s an unfair understatement. People were feeling what I was in profound ways. I learned that writing wasn’t really about what had happened but rather about how those events made you feel. That’s where the magic happens. That’s where people around the world could relate to what I was saying. Not in the event, no, in the emotional side of things.

So I expanded. I took the messages and dug deeper with them. I pulled the messages together and focused on one thing: spreading light. No I am not enlightened. In fact my world can be incredibly dark at times. But I do something very well which I have developed over time: I can see the light in all things.

But then I struggled with my people only came to me when they were having bad times. Why do you only stick around when you are in the mud and then leave when you are clean of it all? This took me out for a while and made me quite bitter actually about people. I felt used like a dish towel. I thought most people would have the respect to at least hang me up to dry on a nice clothes line when they were done. But that usually wasn’t the case. What ended up happening was that I was tossed aside all over the place in every direction without a deemed care in the world. I began to feel dirty – and well – that started to become reflected in what I was doing.

I would spend more and more time in the gym because that was the only place where I could cover myself up, put my hoodie on, throw in my music and tune out the rest of the world. I didn’t have to interact with people and I could just be with my thoughts for hours on end.

But that’s not why I am here

I am here to make an impact.

Someone close to me then gave me some interesting perspectives on this whole thing. They said, “Maybe that is exactly why you are here…to show people the light in times of darkness. Because you were the one person they trusted with their heart when they were at their most vulnerable. And for good reason – you helped them get out of it and see the stars.”

That’s where my jaw dropped. That’s where I began to see clearly.

But crap I was still stuck with this whole idea of  being left behind and tossed aside. So I just accepted it. I embraced it. I have some amazing people in my life who I am incredibly lucky to have stuck around, and for those who leave, I love you just as much. That’s the honest truth. Holding people with an open palm is not only a suggestion for me now – it’s a way of life. People travel in and out and the only way you can experience them coming back in is if you have the ability to let them perch right back on that open hand.

So that impact question?

Here’s my answer. I am here to make the greatest possible impact I can. To show people the light when it’s almost pitch black outside. To love the people around me as much as possible even when injustices are thrown my way. To stand for other peoples greatness – the power of the heart – and the impact one can make when they decide to go after their dreams and never give up. I am here to be 100% authentically myself – no one else. I am here to send a message. I am here because I am willing to die for what I believe in.

And let the chips fall where they may. The effort I give is a testament to just how much I believe in what I just said. Hopefully that effort will speak for itself. Day in and day out I throw my heart into what I do.

Prepare for impact.

- Evan Sanders

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7 Tips On How To Be Happy

How to be happy? It’s not as far away as  you may think.

Before I get going, I want to tell you a quick story. Some of you may have heard this story before.

When I was in my final season of baseball at Saint Francis, I took a few trips down to USC to learn from renowned pitching coach Tom House. It was a hot summer day – no one on the field – and I was throwing with him in the bullpen. Not a word was spoken for about 50 pitches when he finally said to me…

“Evan. 10% of the time you are going to be amazing. 10% of the time you are going to suck worse than imaginable. 80% of the time you are going to be just average. Champions are made in that 80%.”

This story has a lot to do with happiness believe it or not. In fact, it has everything to do with almost every single day you wake up.

80% of those days you are going to feel just average.

That’s right. Average. Nothing great about the day. Nothing crappy about the day. Just “meh.” For many that is a crappy realization about life. However, for those in the loop…it’s actually pretty exciting. You can almost find yourself saying, “Wait – I have the chance to turn my day in the direction I want to?!”

That’s right. The direction of your day is up to you. Waste it by going in the negative direction or create something great by thinking positive. It’s all up to you.

So I came up with these 7 tips on how to be happy. I think the photo above started us off right.

1. Decide every morning that you are in a good mood: Seriously though. Affirm yourself. Play music. Do things that you love. Focus on your goals and set the tone for the rest of the day. Every single morning I do something that makes me incredibly happy and revved up for the day – I go to the gym.

2. Write out your goals: The first 30 minutes of your day are known to be “The Golden 30.” Use that time wisely. Listen to positive messages. Inspire yourself. Write out those goals and visualize yourself achieving them. You are basically giving your body the “go ahead nod” by getting your mind in the right place.

3. Solve Your Complaints: Take a piece of paper and do the following. On the left side of the sheet write out everything that you have complaints about in life. Trust me, if you are really listening you will have a ton. Then, draw arrows from the left side of the paper to the right and then write your solutions to the complaints. If you don’t want to solve them then you have to let them go. Holding onto complaints is pretty much the kryptonite for a lesson on how to be happy.

4. Get In Action: You know all those things you have always wanted to do but haven’t because you were either too afraid or lazy? Get in action. Start doing them. Take the first step. That will give you some momentum and then you can  take that and tackle the bigger obstacles. There is no feeling like accomplishing goals. So go for it.

5. Appreciate The People In Your Life: Tell the people around you that you care or love them and then tell they why. Tell them why they are important to you and why you are lucky to have them in your life. When you appreciate the people around you and what you have you become much more grateful for walking the steps you do each and every day.

6. 2 Blessed 2 Be Stressed: Most of the stuff you worry about doesn’t ever happen anyways. Theres a famous old line that says worrying is like trying to solve a math equation by chewing bubble gum. That typically doesn’t work out so well. Decide that you are going to be happy and also make the decision that the obstacles in front of you are an opportunity for you to show just how badly you want something.

7. Make No Your Vitamin: This is one of my favorite lines from motivational speaker Les Brown. He says, “Make no your vitamin!” People will tell you all sorts of “no’s” when you have a big dream. But eat those up! Don’t make someone else’s no the reason why you didn’t accomplish what you wanted to. Continue pounding away at your dream and eventually you will accomplish it. Remember, it is resistance that strengthens the blacksmiths arm.

So those are my 7 tips on how to be happy. I am sure that I can concoct plenty more but I will leave you with those. Just remember, champions are made in the 80%.

What is your best advice on how to be happy?

- Evan Sanders

 

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On Being Gentle

Be Gentle

 

Often times we think that we have to put up our own resistance against a front that someone else fortifies against us. Being a bit confrontational can be thought of a slightly sexy. But in reality, there is only one thing that breaks down walls: being gentle.

We live in a harsh world. No doubt are there significant acts of courage, passion, greatness and heroism that runs throughout the rivers of hate – but the reality is those acts of hate themselves really being to take a toll on our minds. Our past prevents us from living in the present, turns us into pessimistic beings at times, and our built view continues our story until we or someone else comes in and helps us break out of that cycle. This skepticism about life and humanity can be incredibly hard and damn near impossible to combat. But that’s the point.

You aren’t supposed to combat it.

You’re supposed to be gentle.

We need more people in this world who are strong enough to be gentle.

To love without condition. To give themselves despite being ungiven to. To give the world your best day in and day out without any expectation of return. We need a whole lot more of those people in this world. As I have found through this journey, life isn’t about expecting a return. The times I have felt myself unhappiest were the times when I had expectations for those around me. Shakespeare himself said that “Expectations are the root of all heartache.” He seemed to have it right. When we expect people to do certain things or act certain ways we are often disappointed. Don’t expect. You can only control yourself.

Trying to get other people to do things exactly the way you expect them to is like trying to move a cloud in the sky with your hands. Good luck.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

 

The gentle ones in the face of hatred, marginalization, racism etc are the ones who are the strongest. Just writing this now reminds me of the story of Jackie Robinson and his time in the Major Leagues. He was brought in as the first black MLB player because he was strong enough to “not fight back.” That should tell you something. It’s easy to pop off at someone – demean them – rip them apart. Trust me, I have had that feeling stuck in my gut many times. Why don’t I just do it this one time? But you can’t. You have to see the bigger picture and move on.

Never let someone else’s attitude about life determine your own.

Maybe this is one of my favorite lessons I learned from playing sports. You can’t let anything outside of your control…control you. Mental toughness is a must. You can’t let the other team get under your skin. You can’t let the referees bad calls take your mind out of where it needs to be. No, you have to be keenly focused on what you’re trying to do. Play your game – not someone else’s.

The rest of the world doesn’t play by your rules. In fact, your rules only really apply to you. While you may be playing basketball another person could be in left field striking at football with a golf club. Don’t try to convince them that they aren’t playing basketball. Their perception is their reality. Move on and keep shooting. Play your game.

Keep in mind that everyone is going through something or other. It’s really hard to be on people. But I know that’s not why I am here. I have been hard on people in the past. But now I know that my only job is to keep to my values and go throughout life spreading kindness and light. What other people do is none of my business. Sure some of it “happens” to me, but that makes it even more important to stay true to what I am doing.

You can’t go throughout life by avoiding having experiences and relationships with people. You have to put your heart on the line and learn. The only way I ever got to this realization is by trying again and again. Believe it or not – there was a month where I was stood up for dates 5 different times. They didn’t show up – they didn’t confirm – some never actually talked to me again. You think that stopped me? No. In fact, it made me more bold. It made me go after exactly what I knew I wanted and if it turned south, well, time to move to the next thing.

Don’t waste any time worrying about things that are not for you. Not everyone is going to like your brand. If you set a high quality standard for yourself – call yourself Hermes – not everyone is going to want to buy that. Don’t fret about the people who hate on your brand. Continue your journey towards becoming the best person you can possibly be and aim higher and higher. By the day my goals get bigger. I am always competing with my potential. That makes me want to take myself to the next level day in and day out.

Remember – be gentle with those around you. Love your heart out. Strength is shown in many ways.

 

- Evan Sanders

 

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Happiness In The Aggregate

 

Happiness is…

A few different things all done well over time, day in day out, will make the biggest difference in your life. It has completely changed mine. You have to be willing to look at the pieces of  your life that make up the entire equation and see what you can improve upon. Check it out in its entirety. Don’t spare the details. That brings me to the most important part of making a change.

Accept your condition

When you accept your condition, the good and the bad, you are fully capable of being able to change your inputs. What does that mean? Changing your inputs is changing your view on things, which yields you different actions and ultimately different results. The beauty of it all is often the best news is the worst news. Learning that can help you in the best of ways. You have to be willing to put the darkness as well as the light on the table when you are starting out. The next step?

Happiness in the aggregate

Focus on making one small change a day. Don’t try to accomplish everything at once. When I first started this project, my goal the first day was to smile. When I think back, I just am in awe of the fact that was even the goal. So don’t be afraid to start small with your goals. In fact, it’s almost better to start with small goals because you gain momentum when you achieve them. That momentum gives you the little extra bit of courage you need to go after loftier goals.

Get really uncomfortable

The reason why you don’t have what you want is because you are doing what you are doing right now. It’s the truth. If you have the desire to change you have to change what you are putting into that dream. So get uncomfortable. Do the things you aren’t doing. That will give you a pretty quick change of pace. Promise.

Set big goals. Nail the small details. Gain momentum. Go for it.

- Evan Sanders

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