Evan Sanders's Blog, page 90

As Personal As It Gets

Time to get personal. It’s time to finally tell this story.

This past summer, about a couple of months before I came down to Los Angeles, I had this series of events. I’m going to interchangeable call them events and experiences because well there aren’t many other words to describe them. At times I may call them dreams, but really they happened as clear as day. Even thinking about writing about this is giving my goosebumps.

For months after I graduated from school I stayed in a little cottage style house about 300 ft from my parents house. Little kitchen, bedroom, living room and a bathroom. When I moved in, it was stuffed to the ceilings in every room with things that had been left behind from my grandparents, sister, and family who just wanted to store things away from the main house. I guess you could actually call it more of a storage bin than anything else.

This little place became my home.

I could figure out exactly when this happened, but it doesn’t really add much to the story to have the exact date here. I have never asked this of anyone, but I would like for you, if you are reading this, to respect this story and take it for what it is. I don’t have an explanation. But I do have thoughts on this subject and I need to get them out.

The first of three.

I woke up paralyzed, looked out into the middle of the dark room, and there it was. I have never been more frightened in my entire life. The hair stands up on my arms as I write this and tears are coming down. It approached, and my body unable to move felt like it was at the will of whatever was about to happen…and then it was gone. I remember this wave of emotion came over me and my mind seemed to go through a massive set of flashes of colors and light and then it was all over. It was gone. But I was there in bed, I can’t remember how long for, paralyzed and frightened beyond belief.

If you’ve ever seen “The Ring” and the little girl who has hair over her face, dress tattered and torn…it was what I saw. That image is branded into my mind and even all this time later, it still tears me up inside.

I hid under my covers that night. Morning came with a sense of relief.

The second of three.

It took me a while to sleep easily again. What I experienced was nothing short of, well, one crappy experience. We all get scared from time to time and have visions etc. so I just passed it off as nothing. I read up a bit on what it possibly could have been. Sleep paralysis. Apparently it happens to a good chunk of people and they have the same experience. Phew. I thought I really was in for something bad.

Well, about a month later, it happened again. But this time…it was really different. I woke up again, but not to something in the room, trust me I checked…but to this feeling of the greatest force imaginable pushing me down into the bed. I felt like I was being crushed, and while I could still breathe properly, I was becoming part of the bed. And then it happened. The feeling went away, and I felt as if something inside of me was being lifted, as if there were two fingers gently pinching and ever so softly lifting a sheet up off of a bed into the air. I felt as if I was being “separated” from myself…and that was completely okay. For a split second I was given a birds eye view of everything that was happening, and I saw myself separated from my body. A spirit, soul, or whatever you want to call it, was being lifted.

Then, I snapped back into the bed with great force. The bed seemed to spring back and forth…but not a sound was made.

The third of three.

That morning, I read up again on sleep paralysis, and there were reports of people having “other” experiences. I began to become interested in what was going on. I have never experienced anything like this before… and now twice in two months?

Strange.

What was about to happen would change my entire life.

There’s no other way to tell this story than to just tell it. I will never forget this. I can’t call it a dream, well, because it wasn’t one. I was asleep yes, maybe? But in reality, I never was more awake.

I was at a 49er’s playoff party with my two good friends J. and J. and I was slightly removed from the situation…just laughing and watching those two boys flirt and dance with girls in the other room where everyone else was. It was a modest sized house, the interior covered with gold and red party balloons and plates…and yet everything else in the house was pretty basic and white.

I’m not exactly sure why I decided this, but I said “I’m just going to go lay down for a bit and relax.” I turned around and walked to the room right behind me…and went to lay down on the bed and ever so nonchalantly had the thought of…”Oh, there is God.” So I put my feet up on the bed and rested my head on the nook between his chest and his right shoulder and had this overwhelming sense of warmth come over me. There was no face. There really wasn’t much besides this undeniable energy and light that wasn’t blinding, but at the same time you couldn’t see anything but a body covered in white cloth.

So I just laid there for a while.

And then…I started to ask questions out loud.

“So you mean to tell me there are demons?” He responded in a very easygoing way, “Yeah, they pop up once in a while, but we try our best to keep them under ground.” In that moment he answered, there was a flash of the scene that happened when I was in my room terrified because of what was in the black in front of me. I calmly nodded my head in agreement as I understood what had happened.

“So you mean to tell me there are miracles?” He looked at me and said, “Evan, I think you know the answer to that.” Again, in that moment, I was shown the experience I had when I was being lifted like a sheet from myself. I nodded again.

I paused for a while.

“So you mean to tell me there are angels.” He said, “Of course there are.”

And for a while I continued to sit there against his chest quietly, not a thought running through my head.

And then, in my mind, I asked every single question I could. I asked, he answered. Everything and anything. Events from the past. Questions in general. Everything became crystal clear. These questions went on and on and were answered almost in a blur.

The room became sharper and sharper. Everything was impossibly clear. My vision became the sharpest it had ever been. I continued to lay there on his shoulder, overwhelmed with warmth…

And then I woke up.

My hands were shaking. I was in tears. But not tears of sadness. I was crying because I was overwhelmingly happy. Quickly I knew I had to tell me close friend and I tried texting as fast as I could but my hands kept shaking.

I just knew I had experienced something special.

I’m telling you this tonight because I believe in something. This is the first time I have, in over 3 years, talked about my faith but it is time. I believe in something. At this point in my life, I really don’t know what that exactly looks like, but I know there is something. With the experience I had above, with the conversations I have during the day, the feelings I have run through my as I run into the wild to go fishing alone and hear the voice coming from inside, and the events that have happened in my life, I know that there is indeed something.

There is certainty in my mind.

I cannot possibly define what I have experience because I believe it is undefinable. I can only tell the story and know what is warm in my heart. For months, I have thought about these series of events every single day and tried to figure out how they were going to fit into my life. And then this evening I let everything go that was restricting me and put my faith into something that I cannot see, but oh I can feel.

For months I haven’t dreamed. I have had two dreams since this summer, and both were around very big questions of what to do – and both times – I woke up with answers.

Faith is a very interesting thing. But I know that faith was actually what I was missing from my life. Faith in myself and whatever may be above watching to see what we create with the gifts we have been given.

Love. Passion. Never Quit.

- Evan Sanders

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Defining Faith

I woke up from a dream and realized that it could all be real.

Faith, slightly paraphrased, is the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we cannot see. It was this statement that helped my define a question that I have been asking myself for years. What really is my definition of faith?

Coming to the root of it all is actually one of the hardest things to do. A lot of the time you are going to answer questions that are not even close to the biggest one you can. What this whole thing has made me realize is that sometimes you have to ask the biggest question of them all before you even bother with figuring out the secondary and tertiary levels of it all.

What do I believe in?

For a man that fancies himself of character, I have struggled with the core of it all. But don’t we all? Don’t we all struggle like crazy to answer some of the biggest questions life has to offer us. Because when you actually do sit down and think about why you do what you do and what you possibly believe in…the process can be one major pain in the butt. Thinking about these things is not easy and pulls a lot of energy out of you. In fact, it can pull so much out of you that you may not even want to approach these questions in the first place.

I’ve always been afraid of being put into a box. What do I mean? I mean that as soon as I would define something in my life I would be categorized, labeled, and put on a nicely organized shelf somewhere. But the thing is, you really do have to understand what your thoughts are on some subjects in order to truly innovate and accomplish what you set out to do. If you don’t understand where you are, or why you want to go where you want to go, then you will continue to fail over and over again.

I believe this whole process for me has been a system of designed and directed procrastination…and not by me per say.

To believe in something that you cannot see is the most challenging thing that faces us. How can we possibly bring something from our mind out into the physical world? How can we create something that doesn’t currently exist? It takes faith. Faith in yourself and faith in whatever you believe in. Without that faith all of your efforts will simply spin their tires in the mud.

Without faith, your life lacks traction.

- Evan Sanders

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The Open Palm

There’s something to be said for the man who comes into the game, one hand tied behind his back, and is still dangerous. He’s still fighting for his life. The type of man who hasn’t really had anything guaranteed to him and has had to scratch and claw to get everything he wants.

He’s the type of man who has been let down time and time again. Who has dreamed, attempted, tried and failed over and over again. But the dreams live on in living color.

Crying is pretty familiar. Self sabotage a close cousin. Pain is a brother and doubt is a sister.

But faith is the father.

And that’s why I continue on. That’s what really makes everything continue to pull itself together and tick. These lessons, in the way they are being taught, are happening for a reason. I fully believe in that. Without the journey the lesson just becomes…well…shallow. The study of philosophy was built around the importance of developing the step by step thoughts in order to get to the final conclusion. I think there are a lot of similarities in that type of process as I reexamine many different things in my life and all sorts of new ideas and thoughts come up day after day.

There have been strange things happening to me over the past month. Well, maybe they aren’t “strange” but it certainly is peculiar on how fast these traits have been developing and how I have been able to take a step back from things and really see situations for what they are. That…has been a gift I have never had. I’ve always been neck deep in things without the ability to see it all from the outside.

I remember describing a time of my life as in the “eye of the storm.” I much more prefer an aerial view of things now. It gives you the opportunity to decide a better future for yourself.

I came to the realization the other day that the profound message I was given years ago was actually incomplete. Tracy said that “we have to hold the people we love with an open palm so that they are free to fly away from us, and if it is right, they will come back to us.” This is one of the most meaningful lessons I have ever been taught.

But it’s still missing a thought. And maybe I haven’t added it perfectly to the quote yet. But here it is.

We are blessed with two hands. And yes, with one we must hold the people we love with an open palm. This palm serves as a perch for people to come in and out of our lives at will. But we only need to have one open palm. The other hand is reserved for those who are closest to us. Those people in our lives who love, respect, and protects us. The ones who stand by their word and day in and day out give you their best as well. Create with the other hand. Give as much as you can. Build relationships that last.

Some will fly to the perch…and then take off. But always be focusing on what you are building with the other. Keep that other hand open just in case people want to come back.

In time, many will.

- Evan Sanders

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Story Of A Tortured Soul

When I gave up searching for the man I thought I should become, I gave myself the chance to see I was the man I needed to be.

A tortured soul she said to me. Tortured. And I looked back and smiled. “Mhmm. We make for the most interesting dinner conversations.

But she was right and I knew it.

My soul has been tortured for years. I could venture to say it has been tortured since the beginning. My first memory is being hospitalized due to my appendix exploding…when I was three.

The fact of the matter is, smooth waters never created a tried and true sailor. It is the times we are tested and yes, even tortured, that create strength. Strength was never created without resistance.

Resistance, in the finest of forms, is actually a perfectly good indicator of what path may end up most worthwhile.

I realized today, with sincerity, that I actually have everything inside of me already that I could ever possibly need.  I have all the ingredients it takes to be the man I have always wanted to be. What I needed to do though was let go the man I thought I should be…

In order to open up room for the realization that I am exactly the man I need to be.

We chase dreams. For one reason or another, we chase things…people…wealth…and yet all of these things are usually driven by some outside purpose. We see it almost as “when I get there I will be happy.” But the truth is, our happiness comes from being okay with…ourselves.

None of it matters if we aren’t in tune with what’s inside.

Tortured was a fair explanation.

Because being pulled in each and every direction without peace inside is almost the definition of torture itself. For me, I thought that what I was doing wasn’t good enough.

The reality is quite the opposite.

The changes aren’t going to be sweeping. They aren’t going to be drastic. There is no major announcement to be made or long post to be written.

I am just going to do what I know what is right in my heart.

- Evan Sanders

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A Belief In Sometime Great

In time, things done with great love, even though they may delver short term pain always bring the best back to us.

Hard decisions have to be made. Thing is, you can make those decisions with other people in mind. When I was much younger, I thought the world simply revolved around me. What I found out, by way of karma, is that is the farthest thing from the truth. You can live that way, but in the end selfishness comes back to bite you in the butt.

The mark of a truly unselfish person is to think of the ripples amongst people on the outside before making a decision. While it is almost impossible to prevent everyone from getting hurt, you can, in fact, do the best thing for everyone and yourself. Sometimes you just have to think it our a bit more than usual.

The rebirth of my writing hasn’t come at the hands of procrastination. It has come at the hands of taking the time to get introspective with myself and dig a bit deeper than normal. Sometimes when you write things out every single day you think you may have solved the issue at hand but end up realizing there about 50 more layers to the onion. I have been guilty of skinning the first layer and thinking I was at the root.

Not the case.

What I have realized over these past few months is that there is a substantial responsibility in actually getting to the core of the issue. Without actually knowing what is the fundamental problem…you can continue to spin your wheels in the mud. A hint was given to me when I was watching the movie “Jobs” and Kutcher says something to the effect of “You have to want to fix a problem. You have to want to right a wrong in the world.”

That got me thinking. What actually is the problem here?

After sifting through it all – the relationships, issues, complaints, the past…and everything else in between…I came to it.

I am not proud of what I am doing.

Talk about a revaluation. Whatever I have been doing, I wasn’t really proud of it. Some things were hobbies, others were just…things I was doing. But there wasn’t anything that I could really stamp my name on and say “I did that.”

As you could imagine, with most things that I do, this lead to sweeping reforms.

And big changes are being made.

I guess I have to take my advice, because throughout time I have always said “You can change your life in an instant, you just have to be willing to accept the consequences.” My own words are hard to swallow sometimes – but as that whole life thing would have it – I would be tested in this.

This led me to another realization. Mastery, excellence, and excitement…no matter how great…are completely useless without belief. The type of belief where you know that what you are doing is going to make a difference and it is going to change either the world or someones life.

I have the opportunity in front of me. In fact, I have the type of opportunity that excites my soul and makes me yearn for more. It makes me want to work hard. I can feel it pulling me in a direction. A direction that will eventually speak volumes…and I will be able to say, with pride not ego…you know the _____ I made that.

The belief is there.

And the cool thing…it has melted into other parts of my life.

- Evan Sanders

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What I Didn’t Realize

You know when you accidentally trip over a chord connected into the wall and you haven’t quick kicked it out completely yet? You just have bent the little pieces of metal but they are still barely holding on into the wall?

What I didn’t realize, was that the chord was kicked out completely for me in 4 months back.

Sometimes I think that the most powerful drug a human can have is another human. The emotions and feelings that are attached to someone can bring you absolute joy or total misery. Truth is, those same addictive qualities you feel for another can be found in the same people who deliver substances into their body to satisfy those same needs. We get our hits from interactions and we suffer massive withdrawals when we are suddenly, as life would have it, stripped of who we depend on. And here comes the kicker…most of the time we believe that the “chord” we happened to trip over…is still bent in the wall.

I thought my chord was just bent and slightly falling out of the wall, but like I said earlier, I didn’t realize it was completely kicked out.

It wasn’t unfamiliarity with what I was hearing or seeing that confused me. It was the fact that I waited for something inside me to bubble up, some emotion or feeling, the type of emotions and feelings I felt months and months ago, and nothing arrived. No roaring train or sound of a horn in the distance. Nothing. Numb.

Have you ever sat down with someone who you used to know so well, down to their core, and even though not much time has passed…you are back sitting at that table and everything seems disconnected?

I left that table confused because I wasn’t expecting it. I was expecting that turning in my stomach I did for such a long time. That feeling of pressure moving from the bottom to the top of my gut. The tightness in my upper cheeks and the water beginning to form behind my eyes. I was expecting all of that, and yet down the stairs I walked feeling completely and entirely baffled at what just happened.

I feel myself morphing.

I feel myself changing.

I feel myself growing.

There are things that are happening in my life that cannot possibly lack  coincidence. Things have come around, lessons have been taught, and the depth in which I was searching for answers to my biggest problems and answers has opened itself to discovery. A lot of quotes talk about climbing high…most of my own personal mannerisms talk about digging even deeper. The deeper I did the more truthful things come.

This may sound ridiculous to some, because many have made this their “goal” in life, but I am not searching or striving for happiness right now. I’ve been asked a lot of the time “are you happy” and to be honest I have been stating to question that question in the first place. Happiness is this fleeting thing similar to the sun and the moon. Of course it will come around, but you have no control over how long it stays. You cannot predict happiness or sadness as life is unpredictable in itself.

I am open to whatever is going to find me.

That can be happiness, sadness, truth, wisdom, love, passion, excitement, fear, anxiety…I let it all flow through me like electricity flows through a plug…one plugged into the wall. And that’s what I have come to. I have come to the realization that it’s being plugged in to the world and everything it has to offer that is going to deliver something much more real and honest than a life seeking or searching for happiness. Just so you know, I am not done thinking about this. In fact, I have started putting together my second book idea based on a thought that has a current that runs through this idea. But what I can tell you is this…

If you get kicked out of the wall don’t be afraid to plug yourself back in.

When bad things happen we have a tendency to ponder of why we aren’t plugged in or get scared of what might happen if we do plug back in. Thing is, without playing in the game of life you have no opportunity to let a current run through you. Of course not all the time it is going to be good, but that is the only way you are actually going to live life.

Being kicked out of the wall stopped me from writing completely.

I only sit down at the desk when I feel something inside of me brewing – some energy – some force if you want to call it that – and I go to town on the paper. That same energy is the energy I am feeling right now. And as hard as it is to write some of the things I do, I can…because I am actually giving myself the opportunity to live life.

Life’s concrete floor has been my perfect springboard.

Watch me rise.

- Evan Sanders

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Why It All Started – Excerpts From The Book

Love, Passion, Never Quit. The three words I have found that define me the best. If you have picked up this book, you are probably wondering how in the world am I going to quantify “better.” In all honesty, The Better Man Project is just a name representing something greater: transformation. There is no real way to quantify “better” because it involves an immeasurable concept. How can you tell if you are actually becoming better? What actually is better? Am I still acting better? I found out quickly when I was starting to write that there had to be some way to tell whether or not I was growing. In my quest to become a better man, I started becoming a student of humanity, of its victories and defeats, and of what drives people to great heights.

I became entrenched in studying different perspectives and the paths individuals took to achieve their dreams. If you listened to my iPod right now, you would hear music mixed with speeches and motivational teachings. That’s just the way I am. In no way was I trying to become better than anyone else, but rather to aim high and reach a potential I truly had never realized. I knew that I had something great in store for myself, but I never could find that key to unlock my greatest dreams. I would soon realize that the key to unlock those dreams isn’t found, it is carefully and painstakingly crafted.

How did I even get to this point? What drove me to even start something like this? To be honest, over time the true answer to that question, if there was even a true answer to that question in the first place, has been lost in thousands and thousands of words spilled onto countless pages. To answer it in the best way I can, I have to take you back to a time when I just started to fall in love with cursive.

There is something about seeing those squiggly lines on the paper – elegant, soft, yet packed full of emotion. I wrote to get my feelings and emotions out. I never wrote in cursive unless I was writing in a journal or on paper that could be hidden away. I guess it was an effort to pay my respects to the lost generations of writers who poured their emotions out in a similar way. I do fancy myself as a romantic at times…and maybe this is my gesture of appreciation for their work. Whatever the case may be, I found that whatever I was going through in my life could eventually be calmed by writing. Throughout my late teen years, I wrote on and off only when things really hit the fan. There were about five years of my life where I was an emotional tornado, and the pages began to fill up with ink. I would write anywhere and everywhere, and eventually I started to fall in love with writing as a whole.

In high school, I was a terrible writer. My teachers confirmed this with mediocre grades on my papers and a visual bloodbath of comments referring to my lack of detailed connection with the “big idea.” The big idea…that’s what I was great at. The specifics unfortunately eluded me. As I continued to write though, my ability to connect ideas and express them in my own unique style grew. Eventually, as I reached the starting point of The Better Man Project, something funny happened. I woke up one day and just decided to put it all on the line, forever, and work on becoming a better person each and every day. What caused this? One of my heroes Greg Plitt talks about change and what causes change. He says that when the present becomes too much to handle, the pressure of change and that something right around the corner getting ready expose you will force you to take action. Change is often caused by the presence of a threatening force ready to create an earthquake that will shatter the brick foundation of your life. What was the force causing my change? It was the direction I was headed.

Realizing that the path you are on is the wrong one can cause a lot of turmoil. For me, it was definitely a wakeup call. Who knows exactly what sparked this awakening, but it happened and I realized a few things about myself. First, I let fear paralyze me from taking action. We will come back to that one in a later post. Second, I was an emotional wreck. Personal issues, many successive heartbreaks, unhappiness with what I was doing, lack of a stable foundation, and a non-existent purpose all piled up on me at the same time. Of course those things had manifested themselves in specific events throughout my life, but had never before come knocking at my door all at once.

So I did what any man of mettle would do – I decided to move forward. I was scared out of my mind but I chose to take action. And I started with the one thing needed to make the whole project work: accountability. Writing everything down in a blog forced me to be accountable for my actions. I really didn’t know who would be reading my writing at first, but I knew there would be people in my life that would, and if I wasn’t practicing what I was proclaiming, I knew they would let me know. I then decided on a simple course of action: to focus on one thing a day that I had learned and that I was certain I could implement in my life. The project began, and two weeks later I was hit with one of the hardest situations I had ever had to deal with: the loss of one of my best friends. I was heartbroken.

I was torn to pieces for a long time, but the project went on and I continued to learn about myself, to dive deep within the caves of my soul and to find past events, stories, and lessons that had shaped my life to this day. I found things I really didn’t like about myself, and I found strengths that I never knew were there. The emotions and feelings flowed out of me, and I began to share things that were very close to my heart. After a while, I began to focus on another thing: authenticity. How can you believe my victories if I don’t tell you about my defeats? Believe me, there were a lot of defeats during those days; but just as the sun goes down, it also rises, and my victories eventually came.

As time went on, I continued to write, and write, and write. The pages continued to fill up, both within the blog and also on sheets of journal paper. My writing evolved, I evolved, and I began to see transformations that I could have never foreseen. I can sit before you today and tell you I am 100 percent authentically Evan Sanders because of this project. I am not just a better man; I am a man that transformed. I made a decision in my life to take a stand for something, and that decision changed everything. Better for me isn’t the only important thing anymore. I can see a major difference in the path that I have taken, and that has been an amazing adventure. Remember the path I was on before? Well, in the words of Robert Frost, I chose to take the path less traveled by, and can see a difference in my personal life and in my relationships with my friends and family. It may sound funny, but I lived my whole life not knowing myself. I am sure there are many people out there that resonate with this feeling too.

I’ve thought a lot about how I would put this journey into a book. Then it dawned on me while writing the introduction that it is perfect in its own piecemeal way, which is why I have chosen to present it in the same way it flowed from my mind to pen to paper. The book is split up into three major life events that have truly defined my path so far. I have found that the one thing you can bet on in life is unpredictability, and I think that the project and the words you will read in this book reflect what can happen when you embrace that unpredictability head on.

Music equally saved my life as much as writing did. Before there was the courage to write, there were many hours spent with headphones on. I wasn’t ready to put myself out there to the world, so I sought answers in lyrics and the beat. When a song makes it into a post, it is not by accident. In the back of the book, there is a playlist where you can find all the songs and what posts they are attributed to. For me, there was a deeply profound connection between the music I was listening to and what I was writing. I hope you can feel it too.

Putting this project out there in print for the world to see is testing my vulnerability. I know though that this is what I want, and by doing this, I will see a dream morph into a sweet reality. I know that, for me, this project will never really end. In the time it takes me to finish this book I will probably have written hundreds more posts. But this is the amazing thing about life. Every day is an opportunity to do something that has never been done before. You can wake up, tell yourself you want to be someone, and then go out and do it. So let’s get to it – I promise you…it’s going to be one wild ride.

To read more from the book, click the link below.

http://btrman.me/1dKYaxc

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The Death Of Me

Oh you’re going to be the death of me. Oh world you are going to be the death of me. Take me right to the end and send me off that cliff into the unknown. That place we are all packing our bags for. No idea when that is going to be…no ticking clock or flipped glass dripping grains of sand throughout time.

But I tell you what. I’m going to go out with nothing left in the tank. Thank you for giving those daily reminders of why I am doing what I am doing. You drive me into the ground.  You rip and tear everything apart and solidify what matters. Each day I find who and what truly belongs in my life as I begin to understand your shredding ways are an act of simplifying my life instead of ruining it.

You’ve stripped me naked of people, friends, my character and everything I thought I was made of. Left me naked in the shower feeling the water flow over me – the only thing left was a little light somewhere deep down inside. Flopped down onto the wet floor like a bag of bones.

I often haven’t seen the big picture. If you told my high school english teachers that they would probably be surprised. Apparently my writing always lacked the details, but I rocked the big picture. Apparently, things have switched and I am understanding more and more how important the almost insignificant details are.

It’s the small steps that climb mountains. No leap of faith was ever well received by a rocky terrain. Those small little steps are important. One moment of lost focus and you find yourself barreling back down the mountain.

They say great writers know when to write. But I think the best of writers know when to not write. That has been the case for me over the past few months. Whatever I want to call it, it has been eating at my heart for a long time and taken away my enthusiasm for putting words down to the paper. It hasn’t been a good time for me to write. I’ve been thinking, learning, and pondering about something…and today, it finally hit me.

It deserves a much longer post. In fact, it probably deserves a book. So a book I will write.

This life throws all sorts of pitches your way. Today, I was knocked down to the dirt by a heater coming in high and tight. But right back up I went. Knocked the dirt off my jersey and stepped back into the box.

Swing for the fences.

- Evan Sanders

 

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In Knowing Nothing, I Learned Everything

The Better Man Project is a look at my daily journey towards becoming a better man, as well as a glimpse into the valuable lessons I learn along the way.

Socrates once said, “True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.” I, in fact, know nothing. But because I know nothing, I have given myself the best opportunity to learn from everything. That is why I am here in front of you today, and that is how The Better Man Project was born.

Several years ago, I sat on the bed in my small dorm room and realized that whatever path I was on was destined for disaster. My life lacked love, passion, and goals that could inspire me to achieve my true potential. I was desperately trying to contain an emotional tornado inside of me, and realized that the damage was reaching a point of irreversibility. The forces of change were knocking on my door, and if that call was left unanswered, my worst nightmare was waiting for me right around the corner.

I decided to try something new. The Better Man Project was originally intended to be a 30-day challenge to develop myself into a better man. Well, the project passed 30 days, 60 days, 90 days…and now I stand in front of you – the product of almost 1,000 days of personal cave diving into the depths of my heart – lantern in hand, searching for even more answers.

I am not here to give you a formula. I am not here to tell you that I have some secret for how to be happy. Instead, I am here to tell you why you should embark on a journey that will be marked by times of darkness, but that will in the end, result in one thing: light.

Each and every one of you will have a different path. No two will be the same, but they will all have something in common: the fact that you will be going against the grain and living a life that you are proud of. You will face your fears by moving against a culture that is designed to groom you to be just like everyone else. But it won’t be easy because you will have to overcome significant obstacles in order to achieve true happiness and realize your dreams. However, when you finally remove can’t from your vocabulary, you will develop into someone who finds motivation and inspiration within in order to create a vibrant future.

I can tell you that my journey will never end. My life has permanently changed course because of this project and I have truly learned how to be a man. And to all the women out there, my project isn’t just about men’s issues. I am confident that if you join me and open this book, you might just find out how to be a better person as well.

I promise you that this is going to be one awesome, wild ride.

Love. Passion. Never Quit.

Please support my book  - http://btrman.me/1m8pMfh

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A Search For My Old Friend Confidence

“I once asked an old man, ‘What does it take to become great at something in this world?’ He stared at me and said, ‘To the great pains you must go; a lustful search in the dark is all you’ll ever come to know.’

— The Artist and The Olympian

This chapter of my life is titled “In Pursuit Of Excellence.” It’s funny, but this just came to me right now as I am sitting here writing – I lost my mojo a long while ago. I lost that supreme confidence in what I was doing. I know exactly when this happened as well.

I lost a massive amount of confidence in myself when my elbow fell apart my senior year of high school. Somewhere deep inside of my I knew that things would never be the same. When you start to have structural problems in your arm as a pitcher, it just never comes back the same as it did before. God I was so confident before all of that happened. I would walk out onto the mound with this vigor and excitement. I had prepared for the entire year before this season and I was ready to face off with the best of the best. And I did – and I won. Then, all of my momentum was crushed. My dreams of pitching down south were obliterated. My future became quite uncertain and the goal I had been working towards since I was 5 years old became a big question mark.

I built and raked those pitching mounds for other players and tried to help them out as much as possible. I tried to be a good teammate. But in all honesty, I hated every minute of not being on the field competing. I hated watching other players pitch in my spot in the rotation. I hated watching my team lose games I know I could have helped them win. I hated my arm. I hated my life for this happening when everything seemed to be turning towards something more positive.

Baseball was life for me. Even when I got into college ball I didn’t have my confidence. It was gone. I threw scared. I was scared. I was scared that my arm was going to continue to fall apart even after a surgery – and it did. My worst nightmare came true. I walked into my coaches office and told him I had to hang up the cleats because my body couldn’t do it anymore.

The day I quit baseball was hands down one of the worst days of my life.

Even writing that brings tears to my eyes. I miss the sport. I miss playing the game I fell in love with so much. I miss walking out onto the mound and having that air about me. My dream fell to pieces and I had to let it go because no one could figure out what was wrong with my elbow. But I realize that even through all of this, I lost my confidence. I lost the confidence in myself and being able to follow through on my dreams.

Sounds pretty weird for me to be saying this because I know I have accomplished a lot over the past few years – but in the same breath – I know that I am not on the level I used to be. When I walked out on the mound there was no way you were going to beat me. There was no doubt in my mind and I was going to do everything in my power to ensure that positive end result. No obstacle. No hitter. No bad call was going to stop me. I would continue pounding away at the strike zone with merciless intent and I knew if I brought everything I could bring we would win.

I lost it.

I lost that belief in hard work. I lost that edge. I lost a huge piece of myself when my elbow went “pop.”

And I am going to get it back. I am going to get it back because that level I was at, that was the real deal for me. I was at my best. I was in the moment and I was determined beyond belief. I want it back and I am going to go find it again. Somewhere, deep within me it sits. But like the quote said about – to find that greatness you must be familiar with the great pains and darkness. There is no doubt that somewhere deep down within the caves of my heart this confidence sits. It’s there – it never went away. But I want to be able to call on it again. I want to take it and bring myself to places I could never have possibly imagined.

I am going for it.

- Evan Sanders

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