Ken Wheaton's Blog, page 10
February 1, 2017
Rules (and Fines) to Regulate New York City’s Idiots
A rare photo of a jack-ass-free New York street.
New York, New York. Big city. Lots of people. Many of these people are inconsiderate jerks. And I’m not just talking about the tourists gumming up Times Square. Those people are, for the most part, easy to avoid.
My biggest issue are the people who live here, the ones who should know better. But they don’t. So I’m proposing the following regulations and fines. Feel free to play along!
Use of golf umbrella: $100 fine. Beaten with said umbrella u...
January 30, 2017
Just Thinking of Boss Hogg for No Reason
[image error]I was struggling to write something absolutely hilarious about how and why Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg came to be commissioner of Hazzard County in the first place. After all, someone had to elect him, right? Or maybe he was appointed. I don’t know the ins and outs of Hazzard’s election laws.
But then I stumbled across the Wikipedia page for Boss Hogg and found myself laughing at that.
There’s this:
the extent of just what was and wasn’t within Boss’s powers often seemed to vary from episode...
January 24, 2017
Why Twitter Hearts Are Like Bull Nipples
[image error]So yesterday, I spent upwards of 45 minutes scheduling social-media posts to promote my novels. To say it’s not one of my favorite things to do is an understatement.
It’s boring and it also makes me feel cheap and desperate. “Please, please buy my books. Won’t someone please buy my books?!? They’re old but they’re still good!”
There are companies who provide these services. They charge money, of course. The money, however, isn’t the issue. It’s that these companies seem to be followed mostly...
January 11, 2017
The Ken Wheaton Restaurant Consultancy
Photo courtesy of “potential past.”
I may have been inspired to start a new business. For a low fee — certainly lower than the competition — I’ll work with folks thinking of opening a restaurant and save them thousands and thousands of dollars.
But first, a word about my inspiration. Recently, someone opened up a buffet joint in Bay Ridge, right around the block from us. This wasn’t a sudden move. There’d been signsin the window promising its arrival for well over a year. “Coming soon,” the s...
January 9, 2017
Suckling Pig Sous Vide
I know this isn’t a suckling pig, but how cute is he? (Credit: Ben Salter)
Dear Internet,
For my birthday this year, Cara gave me an Anova Precision Cooker so I could try my hand at sous vide. I was hoping for a man-ring or maybe some sexy underwear*, but alas, another kitchen appliance.
It seems like a neat tool, even if its motto should be, “All the food you like in six times the amount of time you usually need to cook it.”
For those of you unfamiliar with sous vide, it’s the process by whi...
November 23, 2016
Some totally common side effects of the flu vaccine
Some not uncommon side effects of the flu shot may include
September 21, 2016
The Subway Gods Are Cruel: Keys
They were loud talkers, so this story ends in the perfect way.
But you know who I’m talking about, that couple who always has one, two or three issues that they feel need to be aired out in public. This morning, they chose to do it on the R Train out of Bay Ridge. For the one stop the three of us shared, they were speaking Spanish so I was able to ignore it.
Two other women, speaking Spanish, were apparently unable to ignore it because they gave up seats to move away from the couple.
When th...
September 3, 2016
After the Louisiana Flood: A Plea
My cousins need your help. They’re trying to raise a little cash to help their dad, my Uncle Carl.
It feels a little weird to write something (else) about the flooding in Louisiana a few weeks ago. After all, a hurricane just hit Florida and I’m constantly checking weather sites to see if it’ll make it to New York (not out of fear, but to see if it’s going to screw up my barbecue plans).
But the sad fact of the matter is that just because something bad is happening in one place, it doesn’t m...
July 16, 2016
Poll: If Life Hands You Lemons…
If Life hands you lemons …
Reckon that’ll come in handy. This scurvy is a bitch. Oh well isn’t Life a regular fancy lad, swanning about handing out lemons like he’s the King of Citrus. I don’t have room for another damn thing. Get ’em out of here. Lemonade? Like I’m just sitting on a mountain of sugar like some kind of sugar baron? Are they GMO free? Organic? Does Life even have a permit to distribute fresh fruit? Got a nice piece of fish here. Little olive oil. Little salt. Little lemon ju...June 27, 2016
Le Choo Choo: Cannes to Paris
Bonjour from France, yall.
I’m typing this post out while hauling ass through the South of France on a TGV train, the arid, hilly countryside and villages filled with sandy-colored houses topped with red-tile roofs. It’s the sort of region in which you could film Western movies and the audience wouldn’t know the difference. (Just ignore the fact that if you climb the next hill, you’ll be faced with the blue waters of the Mediterranean.)
You should also know that there’s a nun sitting behind...
