Rebecca Eanes's Blog, page 27

When Your Child Doesn't Listen

An excerpt from Positive Parenting in Action by Laura Ling and Rebecca Eanes, available on Amazon.com.
Also just released on Amazon.com is The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes. 
NOT LISTENING/COOPERATINGGetting young children to listen and cooperate is one of the main concerns we hear from parents. Often, the very tools we use to try to gain cooperation (nagging, lecturing, and demanding) are what cause our children to tune us out. Punishments or threatened punishments may compel a child to act but doesn’t gain their cooperation and may create resentment that lessens the chances of real cooperation later.
The stronger our connection with our children, the more likely they are to want to cooperate with us. Cooperation is not the same as obeying, and it’s important to note that if you want your child to give cooperation freely, they have to have the option to not cooperate. Safety issues are non-negotiable, but keep in mind that forcing compliance erodes your connection, so it’s best used sparingly. Other areas can be examined to see if we’re insisting on things being our way when they don’t really need to be. Perhaps a common goal can be agreed upon but the path there determined by the child. You may have heard the saying “you can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but not both.”
When your child chooses not to cooperate, you should look first at your relationship. We want to help people when we feel good about them and ourselves. What can you do to repair the connections? If your relationship seems strong, you should look at what you’re requesting. Does your child have a compelling reason to not cooperate? Our agendas are not automatically our children’s agendas and they may not see the value in a clean room, or brushed teeth, or seatbelts. If I can’t think of a good reason to tell my child why to do something, it’s probably a personal preference and not something I should force on my child at the expense of our relationship.
Even highly connected children will not want to cooperate 100% of the time. There are ways to increase chances of cooperation regardless of the level of connection, though. Clearly and concisely state your request, and only phrase it as a question if you will accept “no” as an answer. “It’s time to put on your clothes” as opposed to “can you put on your clothes?”

Use a firm and respectful tone at a conversational distance. Barking commands from across the room is less effective than walking over, getting their attention, and then speaking. Being snide or mocking or condescending will almost certainly cause your child to resist, even if he’d otherwise be willing.
Look for clues to their resistance. This is where you model effective listening. After your child speaks, replay what you have understood him to mean. Don’t worry; if you get it wrong, he’ll correct you. But, if you get it right, you have valuable information, and he may even share more. Use this understanding to negotiate a solution acceptable to both of you.
Be willing to change your mind. It is not a sign of weakness to be convinced by a good argument. Your children will appreciate your flexibility and the practice of negotiating can even help protect them against peer pressure later.
“Give ‘em an inch and they’ll take a mile’ mostly describes the behavior of people who have hitherto been given only inches. ” — Alfie Kohn, “Beyond Discipline”10
Scenario #1:
Your 2 year old drew a lovely creation on your wall with a marker (washable, thankfully!) and you want to her wash it off. You direct her to do so, but she continues playing and ignores your request.
Behind the behavior:She’s 2, and playing is more fun than cleaning. She may not have actually heard you, either. Until around 3 years old, the brain may be in a different conscious state than we’re used to as adults. All stimuli are treated roughly equal, and picking out the importantparts is more difficult. If you’ve ever been to a new place where you don’t speak the language, you’re close to what researchers suspect it’s like for babies and toddlers. You may miss cues such as street signs and get lost easily. You may not be able to navigate and hold a conversation at the same time.
ACTION:Make sure you have her attention first. Get down on her level and wait for her to acknowledge you. If you did this, then think about how you originally stated your request. Did you use a kind and assertive tone? Did you phrase it as a question? Asking opens up the possibility of a negative response. Did you angrily demand? Children may tune out anger and yelling as a defense mechanism. A kind and assertive request sounds like this. “Uh-oh, marker is for paper, not walls. Get a wash cloth and clean it off, please.” At 2, she is likely going to need help with this request. Remember to keep in mind what is age-appropriate in your expectations. Hand her a wash cloth and point to the wall. If she turns away, ask her if she needs help. Show her how to wipe the wall with the cloth and hand it back to her, pointing to it again, and say “Wash it off, please.”
Scenario #2:
Your 4 year old starts tugging on you and the baby when you sit down to feed him. You tell her, “It makes it more difficult to feed Bobby when you pull on us and I’m worried he might get hurt,” but she keeps pulling and grabbing. In desperation, you yell “stop!” and she does, for a moment, but now everyone is upset and she goes back to tugging on you.
Behind the behavior:Insecurity. When a child demands our attention, she needs it. Negative attention is still attention, and small children are still learning appropriate ways to get their needs met. It saddens me that parents are sometimes given the advice to not reward a child whojust wants attention. We are social creatures and attention is a valid need, as much as food and sleep.
ACTION:In the moment, you will need to find a way to meet her need for attention. As a preventative measure, give her attention before she asks for it. Think about the difference between a spontaneous hug and “I love you” from someone and one that comes after you express doubts about the relationship. It tends to mean more to us when it doesn’t feel prompted.
When your two children have competing needs, one will have to wait. There is no answer that is always right; you’ll have to evaluate who has the greater or more urgent need at the time. “Sweetie, I know you need some attention from me right now. Bobby is already so hungry he’s crying. I need to feed him and then we can play whatever you want. Would you like to color next to us on the couch while you wait?”
It’s tempting to always put the new baby before the older child, who is better able to wait. But your 4 year old is still only 4 years old. “I know you’re hungry, Bobby. I’ll feed you in just a moment. Hang on for me. Sweetie, I can see you need some attention from me. Would you like a hug? Once I get Bobby settled, we can read a book, if you like.”
Later that day, seek out your 4 year old for some reconnecting. Give her your complete focus and let her determine how you spend your time together. If at all possible, let her be the one to end it, otherwise give her fair warning. “While Bobby is sleeping, I’m all yours. I’ll have to get him when he wakes up, but we can do whatever you want until then.” If that means laundry falls behind or the floors aren’t vacuumed or you have sandwiches for dinner (or all three!), that’s OK. Your child is more important than a clean house and once the crisis passes, you’ll spend less energy proactively giving positive attention than trying to reactively deal with negative attention.
Scenario #3:
Mornings are always a rush, and it seems your 6 year old is always dawdling instead of getting dressed and ready for school.
Behind the behavior:Different agendas. Children don’t run on the same time schedules we do. They have different priorities and may not understand why it is important for you to be on time.
He may also still be having difficulty with multiple step instructions, and it’s just too much for him to be fully responsible for his morning routine alone.
ACTION:It’s time to re-think the morning routine. Set him up for success by ensuring he gets adequate sleep at night and rises early enough in the morning so that you don’t have to be in a hurry. It may be helpful to set up a visual morning routine chart so that he can see exactly what needs to be done. Then, instead of nagging, you can just refer him to his chart to see what needs to be done. You can make a chart with Velcro smiley faces or a pocket to place completed cards in so that he feels a sense of accomplishment when a task is complete. You can offer him reminders, such as, “We are leaving in 15 minutes. What is left on your chart to do?” If he is still having trouble completing his tasks, you can discuss it in a family meeting and brainstorm ways to help him be successful. The goal is to put the responsibility of getting ready on him and off of you, and the more say he has in his routine, the more likely he is to comply.
However, it’s more important that you help him be successful than it is for him to get ready completely on his own. If he is not cognitively ready for the responsibility, no amount of troubleshooting will make it different. There are whole shelves at bookstores devoted to helping adults with time management and organization. You probably know at least one person (maybe it’s you) who is always losing his keys. To shame a child for not being able to do things that seem so effortless to others can impact him the rest of his life, so keep trying solutions until you find something that works for you.
SUMMARY:
I have read “positive parenting” books that advise letting your child experience the natural consequence of not getting dressed by taking him to school in his pajamas. For my son, this would be a form of public humiliation as he doesn’t even want to wear his pajamas on pajama day. While I believe sometimes it is best to allow your child to experience natural consequences for his actions, I believe you must use discretion. It is better to set your child up for success and then help him succeed.
Listening and cooperation comes through connection, consistency, and capability. Focus on strengthening your relationship so that you are securely connected, be consistent and follow through with your requests, and make sure your child is capable of completing your requests before expecting him to do so. Once the “3 C’s” are met, your child is much more likely to listen and cooperate.

All New Revised and Expanded Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting Released in Paperback!!

You asked for it, and you got it! The popular PDF The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting is now a full-length paperback! I've revised prior chapters and added 6 entirely new chapters!

Do you want to create a more positive and peaceful home? Are you tired of parenting formulas and techniques that just don't work and leave you feeling at odds with your child?

Learn the 5 principles of positive parenting and discover how to bring connection and peace back into your relationship with your child. You'll learn a new way in which to relate to your child, one which fosters connection rather than disconnection, respect rather than rebellion, and cultivates a healthy relationship which you can enjoy throughout the years. 
This is what you're getting:

TABLE OF CONTENTS　
Introduction
One: What is Positive Parenting
Two: This is Not Permissive Parenting
Three: Changing Your Mindset
Four: Self-Regulation-Peace Starts With You
Five: Leader of the Pack
Six: Building a Positive Self-Concept
Seven: The Power of the Tongue
Eight: Teaching Tools
Nine: Consequences and Problem-Solving
Ten: Limit Enforcement Versus Punishment
Eleven: 10 Alternatives to Punishments
Twelve: 10 Things That Are More Important Than Discipline
Thirteen: Bring It Home
Fourteen: Change the World
Notes
Get your copy!

The Power of the Tongue

The following is a sample chapter from my book, The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting, which will be released in just a couple of days! 
****************************************************
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. - Proverbs 12:18 Holy Bible, ESV
Words are powerful. Words are especially powerful when said by parents to their children. Words have the power to build up, and words have the power to tear down.
In the last chapter, it was discussed how the words we use can either foster a positive self-concept or a negative self-concept. We can also foster connection or disconnection, elicit cooperation or rebellion, hurt or heal, depending on what we allow to come out of our mouths.
There are 4 words that a child should hear regularly. These 4 simple words will take root in a child's heart and bless him his entire life.
I believe in you.
When your child is facing something difficult, “You will overcome this. I believe in you.”
When your child is successful, “I knew you could do it. I believe in you.”
When your child has misbehaved, “You'll make this right. I believe in you.”
When we believe in them, they learn to believe in themselves, and that is a priceless gift to give them. We all long to have at least one person in our corner, no matter what, who we know believes the best in us. A parent should be that one person.
Other words that plant positive seeds which will spring forth self-worth in your child's heart:
I see you, love.
In the age of distractions, our children need to know that we see them, truly see them.
“I see you being kind to your sister.”“I see you taking good care of your things.”“I see you swinging high.”“I see you doing your best on your homework.”
Childhood is so fleeting, and although in the thick of busy days and restless nights, it seems it will drag on forever, the reality is it will be over with all too soon. Ask any parent of grown children how quickly it happens. Leave the distractions behind for a while each day and just look.
You matter.
“You matter more than the mess.”“You matter more than the phone.”“You matter more than the broken vase.”“You matter more than my in-box.”
When you've had one call after another and your little one is tugging on your shirt, remember what really matters. When the milk is splattered all over the floor and those little eyes are looking at you for your reaction, remember what really matters. It takes 5 minutes to clean up spilled milk; it takes much longer to clean up a broken spirit.
I believe in you.I see you, love.You matter.

Tell them often and watch them flourish.

Positive Parenting in Action Released in Paperback!

You asked, and we delivered! You can now get Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide for Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Action in Early Childhood in paperback!

We are so excited about this release! Are you tired of parenting books that only tell you what you shouldn't be doing? Finally, here is a book that shows you how to put the philosophy of positive parenting into practice! This book walks you through more than 40 scenarios for such behaviors as tantrums, aggression, whining, lying, back talk, sibling rivalry, and much more!

Here is the Table of Contents:

Part One – Positive Parenting in Theory INTRODUCTION NON-PUNITIVE PARENTING PARADIGM SHIFTPOSITIVE PARENTING PRINCIPLES THE DEVELOPING SELF-CONCEPT BUILDING ATTACHMENT IN INFANCY Part Two – Positive Parenting in Action EXPLORATION/DANGERHITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORTANTRUMSNOT LISTENING/COOPERATING WHININGINTERRUPTINGBACK TALKLYINGCHORES/RESPONSIBILITIESSIBLING RIVALRY PEER INFLUENCE MEALTIMESPOTTY LEARNINGNIGHT TIMES OUT AND ABOUTCONCLUSION

Click here to get the book!

Here is a sample chapter: Hitting/Aggressive Behavior

Hitting/Aggressive Behavior: A Sample Chapter from Positive Parenting in Action

The following is a sample chapter from our new book, Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide for Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Action in Early Childhood

HITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORFirst, it is important to understand that children who are aggressive are children who are scared, hurt, or feeling disconnected. Small children with limited language and self-awareness lack the sophistication to tell us what is bothering them or maybe even know themselves. Aggression in older children can be a cover-up of those more vulnerable feelings, especially if they have not been taught how to express them appropriately.I would like to also add that children under the age of 6 don't yet have full access to higher brain functions which allow them to pause and reason. When a young child becomes scared or hurt or is feeling disconnected, they go into that 'fight or flight' mode, operating out of their brain stem, and have little control over their actions. It is for this reason that an aggressive child needs help, not punishment.
Scenario #1:
Your 3 year old has become aggressive toward her baby sister. She tries to hit her and push her over. You're concerned she's really going to hurt the baby. 

Behind the behavior: Jealousy, probably. It's hard sharing mom and dad, especially when you used to have them all to yourself. She may fear being ‘replaced’ by the baby and doesn’t understand the demands put on the parents. From her perspective, nothing good has come of this new person entering the house.

ACTION:
1. Set a limit. (“I won’t let you hit.”)
2. Offer empathy and acceptance of her feelings. (“You are disappointed.”)
3. Let her discharge her feelings by crying with your comfort.
4. Help her explore ways to shift her mood.
To expand on this a bit, you will take her safely away from the baby, get down eye-level with her, and set the limit – “I won’t let you hit” (or push, or bite). It is important to acknowledge her feelings of anger or frustration or jealousy that caused her to hit. "You're feeling upset at the baby. Are you upset that I was holding her?" or "She grabbed your toy and that made you angry." Your child is hurting, even though she may look like she isn't. She needs to know it's safe to show her feelings. Tell her it's OK to be angry, and it’s OK to cry, and that you will keep everyone safe. If she melts down in your arms, she is healing. Let her get her emotions out while you provide comfort. After the incident is over and everyone is calm, address the reason behind the behavior.
1. Spend special one-on-one time with each child. Let her pick the activity. Connect with her. She needs to know that she is still just as loved as before, even if you think she already knows.
2. Teach appropriate ways to handle anger. You can do this by talking it through, modeling it, role-playing, puppet shows, books, or stories.
3. Don't punish her for hitting. At 3, remember she didn't have the cognitive resources to stop and think about her actions logically. Teaching her how to handle her anger will serve her much better than punishing her for handling it wrong.4. Read books to her about babies and about being a big sister. Scenario #2:
Your 19 month old is a biter. He has just bitten another child at a play date.

Behind the behavior: It depends on what was happening at the play date. It could be frustration, anger, hurt feelings, or fear. Toddlers, even very verbal ones, know many more words than they can say. When something triggers a primal emotion, they will have access to even fewer words. Because the mouth is central to learning at this age, biting is a common expression of discomfort.

ACTION:Remember the steps above. Remove your child to safety, make sure the child bitten is OK, and then set or reinforce your limit. "I won’t let you bite." Validate his feelings; empathize with his upset. "You got mad because he took your truck. I see you're mad, but it’s not OK to bite. Biting hurts." Let your child express his emotion safely, and problem-solve later. The reason I suggest not talking about appropriate alternatives during the time it happens is because children do not take information in well 'when they are in 'fight or flight" mode or are upset. They are much more likely to learn and retain information when they are calm.

Don't bite him to show him how it feels. You'd be surprised at how many parents would advise you to do this. Remember, you are the model for appropriate behavior!


Scenario #3: You got a call from school. Your 6 year old son punched another student for calling him a bad name. 

Behind the behavior: Anger, obviously, and lack of ability to control his actions.

ACTION:While a 6 year old is getting better at managing his anger, this is sometimes hard for adults to do, so it isn't surprising that a child hasn't mastered this yet. When you pick him up from school, you're going to have to control your own anger. Model! Reserve judgment and ask him what happened. Empathize with his hurt feelings at being called a name. It does hurt! Now, because this is not a toddler, you may be tempted to punish or give him a consequence, but that isn't going to solve the problem or teach him how to handle a situation like this better the next time. It's time to problem-solve. Let him do most of the problem-solving with your guidance as needed. You might ask:
1. How can you fix what you've done because the student you punched is hurt, too? If he doesn't come up with an answer, offer a few alternatives, such as call and apologize or write an apology letter.
2. What can you do the next time you get called a name or there is a confrontation? Let him brainstorm. It's good if he comes up with alternatives on his own. If he draws a blank, help him out. You may suggest he walk away, work it out with words, or get help from an adult if the situation requires it.

SUMMARY:
Aggressive behavior is very common in young children and peaks from ages 2-6. While this is a common phase kids go through, it is our responsibility to set appropriate limits and teach alternatives. Discipline is always about teaching them right, not punishing the wrong. With empathy and loving guidance, your child will learn appropriate ways to handle her emotions, and this phase will become a distant memory.

Click here to get the book!
Copyright 2012 by Rebecca Eanes and Laura Ling. All Rights Reserved.

Praise Vs Encouragement: Encouraging Words for Kids - Guest Post by Luschka James

This is a guest post by Luschka James of Diary of a First Child

A new Facebook follower, Kelly Bartlett , recently caught my attention when I saw her title as ‘writer’. I followed her profile till I found a book she’d written, Encouraging Words For Kids. I then found it on Amazon for Kindle and read it and it was so good, I want to share it with you. (Click here to find it on  Amazon UK and here for Amazon US *)


First, let me explain why I’m awestruck by this book.

I’ve never understood the point of people who don’t praise their children. I’ve always thought it a bit cold, and mean-spirited, and to be honest, quite damaging. Encouraging Words for Kids explains the whole ‘no praise’ philosophy so incredibly well, and rather than being a difficult study in human development, it offers alternatives and is so practical in it’s presentation, I find myself quite taken aback by it. Honestly, if all things parenting could be laid out so clearly, there would be a whole lot less unhappiness between parents!
The book consists of about 35 pages, and is super easy to read, so it won’t take long, doesn’t include a lot of unnecessary waffle, but is straight to the point and informative. Each chapter explains the why, and then it offers suggestions of phrases you could use, and finally, a real life example of an actual interaction between a parent and child, which I found really helpful.

The amazing thing for me is that while I was reading it, I started putting it into practice with three year old Ameli, and guess what? It really worked! Ameli often starts things – craft projects, playing games and so on, and just as often ends abruptly, a few minutes into playing: especially if I comment on how good she’s being and how well she’s playing on her own. I thought that it was the fact that I was drawing attention to my not engaging with her at that time that made her stop, but now I realise that’s not the case. In this particular example – similar to one in the book – Ameli was busy drawing a train. She drew the wheels and showed me her picture. Rather than my usual “that’s good darling”, cueing the end of her drawing I said something like, “Those are enough wheels for a very big train. What else do you think a train needs?”
As I understand it, she saw that I was interested, she saw that I had noticed what she’d done well, and she was able to think for herself what else the train needed. She came back each time after adding something to the train, but she eventually was talking to herself, saying things like – I think the train needs a whistle, and I think it needs a chimney.

I was awestruck how well it had worked and how much my first attempt had gotten out of her. And she was so proud of her train in the end too, and when she believed she was finished with it I was able to say how much I liked her train (rather than just ‘that’s nice’ or ‘well done’ to an unfinished set of wheels.)
Encouraging Words For Kids points out one of the problems with praise being temporary, short lived and that it creates in a child the need for constant affirmation, rather than being able to find approval of their actions within themselves.

“Simple praise feels good in the moment, but to have a long lasting effect, it must be constantly provided”

In contrast, encouragement communicates “unconditional acceptance between parents and children and have long lasting value.

As I’ve said before, I’ve never understood why you wouldn’t want to praise your child’s actions, but I realised in reading Encouraging Words For Kids that it’s not about that at all! Rather, its about making the praise have longer term effects.

 “After all, that’s why he’s showing you his achievements. It’s not because he needs an evaluation of his work, it’s because he’s proud of himself. So focus on his pride – not yours”

I think Bartlett allays all my fears about not praising my children, and sums the whole crux of why encouragement over praise is so important up in two paragraphs:

“By opting for encouragement over praise, you’re not ignoring your children’s accomplishments or communicating that they don’t matter. Encouragement is simply about keeping your responses focused on a child’s efforts and feelings as opposed to the outcomes of the behavior.
Encouraging words not only reassure kids during times of success, but also in times of disappointment. Instead of looking to a parent for affirmation, kids are able to decide how they feel about themselves and what they need to do. Their failures and successes, as they should be, are about them and not anyone else.”

There are so many paragraphs from this book that I could share with you, but I think I’ll leave it there for now. What I will tell you is that it has entirely changed my perceptions on praise, and has explained an entire theory in a very easy to read, 35-ish page book, and halfway through reading I’ve been able to identify changes to make, implement those changes, and immediately see results in my three year old.




Product description
Encouraging Words for Kids gives parents over 150 examples of phrases to say that inspire a child’s confidence and self-motivation. Encouragement is about drawing forth a child’s own drive to work hard and do what’s right without being told; this book shows you how to get there. It is a guide that parents can turn to again and again whenever they need a dose of inspiration in creating positive communication with their kids.

About the author
Kelly Bartlett is a parent educator and writer with a focus on child development, family relationships, and discipline. She holds a BA in biology and secondary education as well as two additional certifications as a parent educator with The Positive Discipline Association and a leader with Attachment Parenting International. Kelly’s articles have been published in parenting magazines all over the world, and she is a regular contributor for Green Child, Nurture, and Attached Family magazines on the topic of positive discipline. She blogs at parentingfromscratch.wordpress.com.

3 Ways to Respond to a Toddler Who Won't Listen - Guest Post by Michelle Carchrae

This is a guest post by Michelle Carchrae, author of The Parenting Primer.

We’ve all been there. The toddler grabs something she shouldn’t. You step in and say, “No, the sharp knife/Aunt Maud’s crystal/the cat’s tail isn’t for playing with. Come play with the blocks over here!” Your toddler half-heartedly plays blocks for three seconds until you look away, then is right back there pulling at the knife/crystal/cat’s tail again. Why won’t she listen? And what do you do next?
Toddlers are a curious bunch. One minute they want to cuddle, nurse or sweetly stroke your cheek. The next they’re blatantly charging ahead with their own agenda, regardless of your rules. Toddlers are naturally growing into a stage of increasing independence, and part of that experience is learning where their new independence can take them, and where it can’t. A toddler’s refusal to listen is normal, not a reflection of her lack of respect for you or a sign of your lack of parenting skill.
What’s the best way to deal with a toddler who won’t listen? Empathize, Distract and Remove.
1. Empathize. First, empathize with your toddler. Tell him that you understand how fascinating the forbidden object is. Tell him you understand how much he wants it. Really try to feel what it would be like to be your toddler, and keep that empathy in mind when you’re setting boundaries. Of course, just because he really wants to pull the cat’s tail and you can fully empathize with how tempting it must be doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to pull the cat’s tail. Empathy usually  needs to be paired with either distraction or removal to be effective with toddlers.
2. Distract. Toddlers can be amazingly single-minded, but this can actually work to your advantage if you succeed in shifting their attention elsewhere. After you empathize and reflect their feelings back, shift immediately to something else. Pull out a bag of pom poms and a plastic cup. Bring out the kitchen pots and pans. Play “This Little Piggy” or have a silly face competition. Go for a little walk. Read a story. Toddlers will almost always be attracted to an activity that lets them spend time with their important adult, so be prepared to get down on the floor and play for a bit until they forget about the forbidden object.
3. Remove. If empathy followed by distraction doesn’t work, you’ll need to remove either the forbidden object or your child from the situation. This doesn’t have to be a big production, and it’s better if you can keep it as kind and matter-of-fact as possible. “Time to put the crystal away!” is all you need to say to your child, then ask Aunt Maud if there’s somewhere safe for her breakables to go while you and your toddler are visiting. If your toddler repeatedly hits or takes a toy from another child at a party or playdate, it’s time to either leave the party or take some time to calm down together in another room. Chances are he’s either overtired, hungry or overwhelmed.
When my eldest was a toddler, I found it so hard to deal with her independence and refusal to listen. I felt very frustrated, tried so hard to make her listen and I took it personally when she didn’t. Now I know that most toddlers don’t listen at times, and that’s ok. It’s normal. After I understood this, it became much easier to deal with the inevitable toddler challenges.
The Parenting Primer
I’ve gathered up many of the other things I’ve learned about parenting with gentle discipline in the first six years and published them in an e-book called The Parenting Primer http://www.theparentvortex.com/wordpress/the-parenting-primer/ . The Parenting Primer starts out by looking at how love and limits influence our parenting, then explores other topics that affect our relationship with our child, such as information on brain development or personality, communication skills, lifestyle choices, creativity and self-discipline.
I've included references to a lot of the parenting resources and other parenting books that I found helpful, and each section ends with some questions to inspire reflection and something to actually try in your real life. Stories and tidbits from my own personal experience struggling to improve my parenting skills are woven throughout the book.

You can buy a copy of the book for yourself or to give as a gift here https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/258362   


About the Author

Michelle Carchrae is often asking those important life questions: “who moved the scissors?”, “how would you do that differently next time?” and “are you finished with the glitter glue?” Homeschooling two girls, ages 6 and 3, is her full time job. The rest of the time Michelle can be found blogging at The Parent Vortex, hiking in the forest or knitting and reading simultaneously. She recently published her first book,  The Parenting Primer: A guide to positive parenting in the first six years , and moved to a little patch of rock and forest in the Salish Sea.

I Never Learned How to Love Children - Guest Post by Teresa Graham Brett

This is a guest post by Teresa Graham Brett, author of Parenting for Social Change.

In her book, All About Love: New Visions, Bell Hooks wrote this paragraph that has stayed with me for some time. I've written about it before, but for some reason I was drawn back to want to write about it again.
The first time I wrote something, I merely touched the surface of my feelings and the way it challenged me. This time, I finally got to the core of some truth, even if it took me a while to get there.
She writes:An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and/or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even as we were also taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad. ~Bell Hooks
I've read this portion of the book many, many times.
And I struggle even now with it.
Even as I wrote this, I kept typing and deleting as I desperately tried to find the words to express my thoughts and feelings, thoughts and feelings that need to come to the surface. I took a break from trying to write and washed some dishes. I cooked a bit and noticed the ways I was feeling annoyed and short-tempered with my family. It was still sitting with me.
But then the truth hit me in a flash. It brings tears to my eyes as I write it.
The truth is I know very little about loving children.
And here's why...
I never learned how to love children without control.
I never learned how to love children without conditions.
I never learned how to love children and not make them responsible for my happiness.
I never learned how to love children without expecting them to "do better next time."
I never learned how to love children for just being who they are, not for what they do.
I never learned how to love children without wanting to change something about them.
As a both a child and now as a parent. I have to admit that the ways that I learned about loving children were distorted by power, control, and fear. The same things that influence our broader culture are reflected in our homes, the homes where we are supposed to learn what love is.
Until we live in a culture that not only respects but also upholds basic civil rights for children, most children will not know love. Love is as love does, and it is our responsibility to give children love. When we love children we acknowledge by our every action that they are not property, that they have rights--that we respect and uphold their rights. Without justice there can be no love. ~Bell Hooks
I have come to realize that because I did not learn how to love children, I struggle with acknowledging by my every action their fundamental human rights.
I could beat myself up for not being the parent I want to be, for falling short of this ideal vision of what it means to love.
And I have certainly done this.
I have been in a place of feeling shame or guilt for treating the children in my life less than lovingly, for abusing their trust and treating them with disrespect. And when I've been in that place, too often I get stuck.
Instead, I can be responsible for facing the internal barriers I have to being loving and decide that I have the capacity to transform my relationships with the children in my life.

And in the process of learning a new vision of love, I have to learn how to love myself.
Because we did not receive in childhood the unconditional love we needed, we have to learn how to give it to ourselves.
The process of acknowledging in our every action the right of children to be treated with respect and dignity cannot come if we do not treat ourselves the same way.
Like many people, I turned the way I was treated as a child inward and learned "lessons" about myself that I carried into adulthood and parenthood.
I learned that I must use power and control internally, with myself, in order to get the results I think I should have.
I learned that I couldn't love myself without conditions.
I learned that happiness had to be found outside of me.
I learned that I always had to expect myself to "do better next time," that whatever I did just wasn't quite enough.
I learned that I couldn't love myself for just being me, that the measure of my worth comes from what I do.
These are all lessons that I am unlearning.
As we all unlearn the lessons we took in during childhood, we have to learn new ways of loving children AND loving ourselves.
We all need to rid ourselves of misguided notions about self-love. We need to stop fearfully equating it with self-centeredness and selfishness. Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it, our other efforts to love fail. Giving ourselves love we provide our inner being with the opportunity to have the unconditional love we may have always longed to receive from someone else…. When we give this precious gift to ourselves, we are able to reach out to others from a place of fulfillment and not from a place of lack. ~Bell Hooks
We have the capacity to face our fears and liberate ourselves from what we learned in the past.
Writing my truth today frees me to acknowledge where I have come and forge a new path. It helps me to connect to the ways I already have learned to be loving.
And most of all, when I act less than loving to the children who share my life, it allows me to be responsible for my actions, and still give myself the unconditional love that will increase my capacity to love others in direct proportion to the love I give myself.

Parenting for Social Change is included for a limited time in the Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale.

Product Description
Parenting for Social Change: Transform Childhood, Transform the World (2011, Social Change Press) is a powerful parenting book that isn’t about children, but about the harmful cultural messages we, as parents, perpetuate in our relationships with children. It addresses the work we as parents must do to free ourselves, the children who share our lives, and our world from those harmful messages.
The author, Teresa Graham Brett, uses current social science research to debunk the myth that controlling children is necessary to ensure they grow up to be healthy and responsible adults. She demonstrates how changing our parent-child relationships plays a critical role in creating social change. More importantly, it gives parents strategies and tools for letting go of harmful control of children.

About the author
Teresa Graham Brett lives her passion for creating social change by combining her work in social justice education with parenting. After graduating from law school, she decided not to practice law. Instead, she opted to serve the cause of social change and justice through her work at three large public universities across the country. Her life was transformed after the births of Martel and Greyson, who have challenged her to live the values of liberation, freedom and respect as a parent.

She discovered the ways in which she did not live in congruence with her professional values in her role as a parent. Using her experience in facilitating social justice learning, she began her own learning journey toward creating respectful relationships with the children who share her life. She now coaches and consults with other parents to let go of the harmful paradigm of control they experienced as children to create respectful and peaceful relationships with children. You can learn more at www.ParentingforSocialChange.com

Why We Explode and How To Prevent It - Guest Post by Genevieve Simperingham

This is a guest post by Genevieve Simperingham of the Peaceful Parenting Institute

In my parent coaching work I like to talk about anger and rage and how common the tendency to explode (or implode!) really is in families.  Anger is a very real and daily challenge for most parents as they juggle the various wants and needs in the family; their child’s anger, their partner’s anger, their own anger.  Anger is an emotion that’s especially difficult to bear; it can feel scary and larger than life.  It can be hard to admit to feeling angry, even to ourselves, and hard to feel that we deserve support and empathy – but we always do.  Much hurt, harm and damage happens as a result of pent up anger, yet the emotion itself is not to blame, in fact empathy for ourselves and empathy for our child is the antidote to aggression and overwhelm.

Parents get angry when … they feel confused about how to best respond to difficult behaviours like aggression in the family.  They need the skills.  Anger can rise with speed and fury when unresolved emotion or trauma becomes activated.  Healing is needed.  Parents get angry when the emotional, physical and financial needs outweigh the resources and they feel unsupported by family and community.  It really does take a village.  Overall, anger usually signifies an overwhelming backlog of unmet needs.

How quickly conflicts spark and escalate.  On any particularly busy day, parents can feel stressed and stretched by the demands of endless jobs and tight time constraints, stress rises as the pressures mount.  Then if you turn and ask your child to do a couple of simple tasks like washing teeth, getting dressed, but they either ignore you or flat out refuse, that tide of anger can rise up.  Your child’s refusal seems completely unreasonable!  Despite trying to control your tone, you snap, you child snaps back.  Boom!  Conflict escalates!  You can’t help wishing your child understood how minimal your demands are compared to when you were their age!

Breaking the cycles of ‘stress-passing’ in the family.  We can, and need to,  learn constructive communication, conflict resolution and problem solving skills.  Yet we need the patience, clarity and confidence to put them into practice.  Becoming mindful of our emotional triggers that relate back to our childhood and then owning, exploring and resolving these emotions forms the foundation of peaceful parenting.

The stress response.  When we become triggered, something in the present reminds us at an unconscious level of something in the past that’s still unresolved and held as tension in the body.  In reaction to our child, all of a sudden stress soars, anger rises, muscles tighten, we fixate on problems, become inflexible, and lose our ability to empathize.  Without realizing it we’re caught in the fight/flight/freeze stress response and there’s no time to sit and listen when things feel this urgent.  In these moments we act more from a hurt child place than a conscious adult place.

In the traditional parenting model, parents attempt to regain control by overpowering their child with that look, by threatening punishments, withdrawing privileges, yelling and ultimatums.  But parents who are working hard to not yell or coerce often face strong surges of emotion that need containing to avoid spilling their stress over onto their child.  Stopping in our tracks and owning and managing our feelings takes a LOT more skill than simply threatening kids into compliance.  It’s in the most challenging moments when pressures are sky high that parents face the need to skillfully surf the tides of emotions that threaten to swamp them.

Getting back on track.  When committed to more peaceful and respectful communication, we need to view our yelling and exploding as our cue to self-regulate; to come back to feeling like we can, not just escape acting from a powerless hurt child state, but become firmly grounded in our calm, confident adult self.  Perhaps we need some non-judgmental listening, meditation, relaxation, we need to reconnect with our self and reconnect with our child.  We just know that things are not going to get back on track with our child until we slow down and release the pressure from us both.  But how do we do that?

Mindfulness.  Becoming more mindful of our triggers plays a big part in parenting from the heart with more connection and patience. It can be valuable to take time to reflect on the things that your child does that can really trigger/activate some big feelings in you and explore what’s familiar about these situations?  For instance, if your child ignoring you is a trigger, does it evoke familiar feelings from your childhood years?  When triggered, words can pour out of our mouths that shock us to hear, often the same words that hurt so much as a child.  It’s a kind of unconscious re-enactment.  The more conscious we become of our triggers, the more we can mobilize and resolve these packages of pain inside and begin to bring conscious awareness to the process as it’s happening, or about to happen and change direction.  I developed my Stress Relief for Parents CD with this whole subject in mind.  The tracks equip the listener with exercises to help them resolve difficult feelings, gain insights into what unresolved emotions are being triggered and offers a blissful 15 minute body relaxation.

It’s okay not to feel okay.  When our child’s behaviour triggers a highly emotional response, by increasing our mindfulness of our reactions, we gain an opportunity to bring compassion to some sore feelings that need and deserve attention.  There’s a lot of power in observing the sensations in our body and recognizing the feelings that get activated at these times and where those feelings are held within the body.  We may identify feelings of sadness, overwhelm, perhaps fears or feelings of inadequacy.  The trigger might be your child’s resistance, lack of responsiveness, their lack of affection, their affection for their other parent, aggression, tantrums, neediness, their response to sleep, food, chores, school.  Something is experienced as familiar at a body instinctive level, feelings open in your body memory that your conscious mind was previously unaware of.

When we’re triggered, it can feel as if the hurt inner child is competing with our child’s feelings with sentiments of; “nobody cares about MY needs/ resentments/ frustrations/ disappointments/ grief”.  Such inner conflict can be very uncomfortable, but be assured that if you’ve even started to become aware of such internal reactions, you’re well on the road to breaking the cycles of disconnection and well on the road to claiming more peace of mind and heart for yourself and your child.

Listening heals.  Counselling and psychotherapy can be a great way to explore and resolve stuck feelings and patterns from the past that prevent growth in the present.  Counselling or organized listening partnerships differ from chatting with friends in that it gives you the chance to really drop into exploring where the related feelings are held in the body.  Crying can feel so very cleansing and relieving when the space is held by a calm, patient, wise and empathic listener.  Their acceptance of your feelings helps you listen to yourself to glean the deeper insights and resolve feelings that previously felt so unmovable like the big rage and grief that can compromise your clarity and confidence daily.

Taking the pressure off.  Parents carry so much stress and fear around getting to sleep, school, work, daycare or swimming lessons on time.  Children don’t and can’t function well within a busy time pressured timetable.  In aiming to lower the stress levels in the family, parents often realize that everyone is living under more pressure than they can sustain and it calls for a re-evaluation of their lifestyle.  It’s good to talk about down time and de-stressing, to model taking rests, reading, playing, meditating, support your kids to have free play time, time to day dream, time in nature, time to find and follow their interests.

Self-regulation skills.  As well as therapy, there are many self-regulation and self-healing skills that everyone can learn that really help to restore peace and calm when strong emotions threaten to dominate the scene.  I’ll share with you some of the tools that work for me and for many parents that I help:

Reconnecting with your heart. This simple act of putting your hand on your heart and asking; “what am I feeling, what do I need?” helps us reconnect with our inner world in a positive way. The response might be “I feel stressed!  I feel angry!  I need to slow down,  I need to ask for help, I need to cross something off today’s list of activities.”  Try it!

“Name it to tame it” is a phrase coined by author and psychiatrist Dr Daniel Siegel.  There’s a lot of power in simply naming what we’re feeling.  When we tell our child “you’re making me so angry”, we give them the message that they control how we feel and it’s their responsibility to keep us happy.  Whereas, when we say “I feel angry, I really need to slow down and relax”, we show them that we can not only identify and be honest about how we feel, but also take responsibility and relieve them of responsibility for our feelings.  This really is fantastic modelling for our children.  The child who can clearly express that they’re angry is more likely to seek support and less likely to take their anger out on others.  I love how, in response to inquiring “you seem really stressed, what do you need?” my children often reply with simple expressions like “I’m angry”, “I feel overwhelmed”, “everything feels really hard at the moment”, “I feel like I need to scream”. When such feelings are expressed, accepted and understood, the emotional charge can dissipate significantly.

Positive self-talk.  We tend to respond to our emotions with similar words and messages that our parents responded to our emotions.  Becoming mindful of our self-talk and consciously practicing empathic and supportive messages, we begin to re-parent ourselves.  Being kind to ourselves creates the foundation for kindness to others.  For example instead of berating yourself for feeling angry and overwhelmed, you might say to yourself “it’s OK, this is just a tough moment, it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling”.

Simply sitting. There’s a Chinese proverb that says “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”  Even though anger can give us physical super powers, attacking the housework in a manic passive aggressive frenzy can be pretty scary and overwhelming for our kids and isn’t the best modelling!  When we become overly stressed, our system becomes flooded with stress hormones, everything speeds up, our breathing, our thinking becomes irrational, our tone of voice intensifies and we speak faster, which every child knows to be a warning sign!  Simply sitting down in an arm chair or even lying on the ground or the grass slows everything down, totally changes the dynamic with our child and gives us a chance to emotionally re-stabilize.  This modelling teaches our children what they can do in overwhelm.

Visualizing a red stop sign.  To help you hold back from speaking words or taking action that you’ll later regret and need to repair with your child, if you just remember one thing, remember a red stop sign.  When feeling emotionally charged, it’s hard to remember the theory, but the brain responds very well to visual messages and bringing to mind a red stop sign, or even better creating or printing a drawing to put up on the wall, may help you stop and slow down enough to begin to remember some more positive things you can do.  If you draw or print one, you could write some key reminder words on it like; “breathe”, “centre”, “de-stress”.

Fresh air brings a fresh perspective.  When stresses rise in the family, the walls can start to close in, everywhere we look jobs demand our attention.  Being in nature helps us decompress and relax. The sights, sounds and smells of nature remind us of life’s small pleasures and help to put things back in perspective.  Most people can literally feel the stress starting to drain away when they put their bare feet on the earth.  Looking up at the sky, looking out to nature helps us lift up and out of the scenario that we’ve got ourselves tightly wound into.

I can see clearly now … Once we return to a calm state, many options open up.  We again remember our child’s goodness and can reconnect and repair after conflicts.  Our child feels and experiences our emotional storms and instinctively protects themselves by muffling the communication. Yet when a parent restores calm inviting communication, their child’s usually right there waiting for them, power struggles dissipate and warmth, connection, cooperation and humour return to the scene.  I also recommend buying the recorded audio download of a “Getting Back on Track – Why we Explode” teleseminar on the same subject with myself and Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting.

I also recommend reading this blog post: “Parenting Help: Burn-out Can Be Lightened by Listening” on the Hand In Hand blog.


About the author: Genevieve is the founder of the Peaceful Parent Institute in New Zealand. She is an Aware Parenting Instructor, a Heart to Heart Parenting Facilitator and Beyond Consequences Instructor. Genevieve is an International speaker, who over the last twenty years has presented hundreds of courses and weekend residential workshops in parenting, self-healing, meditation and personal development. She shares her in-depth study of many experts in the fields of early childhood development, personal development, attachment and neuroscience. Genevieve brings to her work the culmination of many years of various trainings in the fields of parenting, counselling, emotional healing, personal growth, family systems, energy healing and medicine wheel work.

Why Mindfulness Matters

Mindfulness is being conscientious, caring, and intentional in your parenting. - Dr. Dan Siegel

Mindful parenting is a topic that has been written about my many great authors and is gaining more and more attention in the mainstream. It is a broad topic which encompasses many separate categories.

One aspect of mindfulness is being present moment to moment. This is challenging in today's fast-paced society. It is about slowing down, observing what is really going on around you and taking that in. It is a great way to get more joy out of every aspect of your life, not the least of which is parenting. Being present with our children instead of merely occupying the same space is a wonderful gift to both us and them. We all are know how quickly childhood passes, so when we are mindful, when we are present and attuned, we are keenly aware of our actions, thoughts, decisions, and time. It makes us more effective not only at parenting but at everything we do. The present is the only thing we can control anyway, so why not remain in it?

Another aspect, as Dr. Siegel states, is that of being conscientious, caring, and intentional in our parenting. Being really aware of how we are raising our children and why we are raising them the way we are is a part of this mindfulness. It's having a conscious plan or vision for what we are striving for as parents. Caring, compassion, and empathy are part of mindful parenting, not only as it pertains to our children, but to ourselves and those around us.

Caring, compassion, and empathy do not make us weak parents but rather requires great strength and composure. Being mindful also means we must learn to control our emotional reactivity, and mindful parents teach emotional balance to our children. This means we strive to control our anger and frustration in the moment and not react (lash out). We find ways to calm our brains when we get into those states, and we pass those tools and knowledge onto our children so that they learn now to control themselves when high emotions arise. It's also about balance; finding sources of happiness, joy, peace, and contentment. The more we can remain in a state of joy and peace, the better the atmosphere we provide and the more we are able to model and teach our children.

Dr. Siegel describes "mindsight" as being able to see your mind and the mind of others; looking behind the behavior of a child and into the mind to discover what is really going on. This takes practice, but when we are able to do this, we can address the real issue and help the child to grow and develop and learn rather than just punish for misbehavior, which doesn't solve the core problem.

There are a lot of very helpful short videos by Dr. Dan Siegel on YouTube. I'll post one of his videos of mindfulness below, which will lead you to the rest on YouTube. I highly recommend taking some time to view them and also to pick up his books if you're interested in learning more about his teachings.


Of course, Dr. Siegel is just one of many to discuss mindfulness, but he is the one that I'm most familiar with.

In summary, mindful parenting is a lifelong practice. It's about becoming aware of how life is unfolding around you, both your life and your children's lives. It's openhearted, wholehearted living. It's about seeing children as the are, not how we want them to be, and valuing them just as they are. It's about training our own minds to empathy, compassion, peace, joy, balance, and teaching that to our children. It affects the emotional and relational development of our children, and they grow up to be grounded and functional in dealing with emotionally charged situations. It's really about relationships, really seeing each other, being attuned and connected, learning to respond instead of react. It's a way of relating to one another on a deeper level.

Practice sharing the fullness of your being, your best self, your enthusiasm, your vitality, your spirit, your trust, your openness, above all, your presence. Share it with yourself, with your family, with the world.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn