Rebecca Eanes's Blog, page 15

Loving Courageously Through Mealtime Battles (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 16)

Mealtimes can be challenging with young children. From having a picky eater to a food thrower, the constant struggles can turn what is supposed to be a pleasant time into a struggle for power.
If you have a picky eater, you will probably find this article rather interesting. This is also a helpful article from Positive Parenting Connection.
In regard to food throwers, here's what I wish I had known before someone hurled peas at my head.
1. Throwing food is a fun game. I don't think children are quite the devious masterminds society has painted them to be. It isn't a "misbehavior" for a baby or toddler to throw food. 
2. Making a big deal over throwing food only makes the game more interesting.
3. Food can be picked up easier than relationships can be repaired.
Then there are the ones who refuse to stay seated at the table. No booster or high chair can hold them!
1. Is what you're expecting from your child age-appropriate? If you want your 14 month old to sit through an hour long meal at a 5 star restaurant, you may want to scale back a wee bit. 
2. Distract them. It probably goes against every bit of parenting advice ever offered ever, but when mine were toddlers, we had a portable DVD player and a several Thomas the Tank Engine movies tucked away in the diaper bag. Order meal. Pop in movie. Voila. Happy kid. Happy parents. 
Loving courageously through mealtime battles:
1. Don't engage in mealtime battles. Then you don't really have to worry about it. Offer healthy foods alongside favorite foods and let them eat. If they throw food, remove the food until later. If they're hungry, they won't throw it. It's not a very fun game anymore if the food goes away. Don't try to get your toddler to sit through a long and boring meal, and be prepared with an activity to keep your little one busy when you go out.
2. Please don't make your kid go to bed hungry! Too many kids have to for real. Food shouldn't be a punishment or a reward. 
Today, just write down 5 things you are grateful for. 


Join me tomorrow for "Courageous Love is Not Self-Seeking."






**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a Love Courageously reminder band in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *Only 4 left in stock*

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Loving Courageously Through Whining (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 15)

*The following is an excerpt from Positive Parenting in Action*
Whining can really grate on a parent’s nerves. Why? Dr. Laura Markham of www.ahaparenting.com tells us: “Because whining is your little one's more mature form of crying. She's letting you know she needs your attention, and human grownups are programmed to react to whining as much as to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get met. So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety. You'll do anything to stop it. But if you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's no crisis, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll parent better.”

Most positive parenting experts will advise you to simply ignore whining or tell the child you will not respond to a whiny voice. Ignoring a behavior doesn't address the issue or teach better skills. Children may whine for all sorts of reasons, and their whining may actually be a cry for connection or help with something, such as pent-up emotions. As always, meet the need behind the behavior if you can discern what that need is, and the problem will resolve. However, if you suspect that your child is just whining because she thinks you’ll give in to her requests, there are some things you can do.
1. Be sure your child is getting lots of positive attention from you without having to seek it. If your child’s cup is full, whining is less likely to be an issue.
2. Some children whine because they feel powerless or unheard. Make sure your lines of communication stay clear and that your child knows she is a valuable part of the family and her needs matter. Give her choices throughout each day to give her some control.
3. Teach your child negotiating skills. This will alleviate the powerlessness that often causes whining and teaches your child a crucial life skill. Teaching her to control her emotions, state her need/want in a respectful manner, and work to find solutions that will satisfy everyone’s needs will serve her well as she grows.
4. Remain empathetic with your child’s experience, but don’t give in to whining. 
5. Teach your child the difference between a strong voice and a whiny voice. She may not even be aware she is using a whiny voice. You can do this by role-playing or using puppets or toys to show the differences between the two tones. Tell your child you can understand her better when she uses her strong voice.
To show courageous love during whining:
1. Deactivate the your whining trigger by using positive self-talk. "She's my child and she needs me to teach her patiently."
2. Don't shame him for whining. Don't call him names such as "the whiner." 
3. Discern what's causing the whining and address the underlying issue. See this post for more help.

How do you typically address whining now? Is it with courageous love or conditional love? Write down coping skills in your journal if whining is a trigger for you. Think of the times your child typically whines and see if you can pinpoint the underlying issue.
Join me tomorrow for Loving Courageously Through Mealtime Battles.



**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a Love Courageously reminder band in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *Only 4 left in stock*

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Loving Courageously Through the Teen Years (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 14)

I am delighted today to have Casey O'Roarty, author at Joyful Courage, join us to discuss loving your teen courageously.

*****************************************************************
A Note to My Inner Mama of a Teen
I am not a mother of a teenager… Yet. My daughter turned 12 in January, but I see it coming. Or rather, I can feel it coming.
I feel it in my belly when I walk in her room and the floor is covered with clothes…
I feel it in my chest when she snaps a hurtful response at me or rolls her eyes…
I feel it in my shoulders as I listen to her stomping her feet upstairs before slamming the door…
Yes, soon I will join the ranks of parents of teens. I feel it coming.
There are many things I expect for this time ahead. I expect there to be unbelievable highs and devastating lows. I expect to be fiercely proud and profoundly disappointed, to be overflowing with love and doubled over by pain…
Geesh, and I’m not even the teenager in the situation.
So what can I do? How can I remember that all the ups and downs, the cheers and the hurts, are all a part of the process of raising a human?
I think I will start by writing myself a letter…
Dear Mama,
Remember when you were a teenager and all you wanted to do was hang out with your friends? Remember that it didn’t have anything to do with NOT wanting to be around your parents, just more about wanting to be with your peers?
And Mama, remember how difficult it was when you were a teenager and your parents wanted to tell you exactly how things would turn out if you made certain decisions? Remember that you felt small and unseen as the individual that you were?
And mama, remember how misunderstood you felt when rules were placed on you without any space for negotiation? Remember what it was like to want to push the boundaries and try and get away with just a little bit more?
You were a teenager once, mama, remember? You made loads of mistakes, got into plenty of mischief, and lived your own life. You went through periods of feeling alone, supported, angry, defeated, exhilarated, joyful and you made it through to the other side.
You were a teenager and you wanted to be seen, appreciated, loved, trusted, celebrated, left alone, taken seriously. You wanted it to be understood that you were living your own life, having your own experiences, and feeling valid emotions.You needed your parents to love you as much when you showed up as your worst as when you showed up as your best. You needed you parents to listen to you without trying to fix your problems, letting you know that maybe everything wouldn’t be alright, but they would be there no matter what.
Remember, mama? You were a teenager, this is a part of your story. You had so many experiences, dodged many bullets, and all of it is a part of the fabric of your life.
As you re-live the teen years, from the perspective of a parent, remember this...
Be gentle with your child, and yourself. Love her courageously as you witness her navigating this awesome time of transition. Be available. Listen. Bite your tongue. Appreciate that the themes may be similar, she really ishaving her own experience and you just might not know how she feels.
Recognize when fear is driving you. Recognize it as an opportunity to be curious and brave, a chance to reflect on the skills your teen has begun to embody, and will continue to embody as she lives through the challenges of life.
And even when you are angry, and are ready to throw in the towel, she needs you to be there. She needs you, mama.
Remember, love her courageously.

Remember.

What specific ways can you show courageous love to your teen? If you would like to, write a letter to your inner teen mama, just like Casey did.




Casey O'Roarty is a wife, mother, parent educator and life coach living and loving in Washington State.  She has worked with families for the past 15 years and continues to learn her biggest lessons from her children.  To read her blog or check out her online and live offers, visit her website www.joyfulcourage.com .






Join me tomorrow for Loving Courageously Through Whining.





**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Loving Courageously Through Bedtime Battles (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 13)

Several of you asked for help with loving courageously through bedtime battles. I'm here to help, but you probably don't want bedtime advice from me. My kids are currently giggling in their room at 10 pm.

I can give you some tips for loving courageously, which I will do at the end, but I'm going to just kindly point you to a few bedtime articles that look really helpful. After you've read them, come back for your challenge. :)

A Better Bedtime by Mom with a Lesson Plan

Toddler Fighting Sleep? 20 Peaceful Sleepy-Time Tips by L.R. Knost

Your Preschooler and Bedtime by Dr. Laura Markham

Loving courageously through bedtime battles means

Being kind and consistent about your routines and rules.Keeping your cool and not engaging in a battle of wills.Being understanding when your child is frightened or needs extra cuddles. It's tough being little sometimes.Ensuring their sleep space is comfortable and inviting.Making sure they go to bed feeling loved and valued. Would it work for you to do what "A Mom with a Lesson Plan" did (and what I do) and stop fighting about bedtime and let them go to sleep when they're sleepy as long as they stay in their room? How can you tweak your bedtime routine to make it work better for you? How can you be more consistent, kind, and firm regarding bedtime? Jot down your ideas in your journal.

Join me tomorrow for a guest post by Casey O'Roarty of Joyful Courage on Loving Courageously Through the Teen Years.





**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a Love Courageously reminder band in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *Only 4 left in stock*

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Loving Courageously Through Aggression (Love Courageously Challenge Day 12)

I have written about aggression a few times. You can read those here and here.

Aggression is one of those behaviors in children that brings out the worst behavior in their parents. We see "hard" and we want to come back "harder." Suddenly we are deadlocked in a battle to see who can be the "hardest."

I decided to try something different. I met my son's aggression with softness.

Yes, at about the age of 2-3, my son went through a hitting phase (even kids who aren't hit can go through it!) and it was a trying time, to be sure.

We all want quick fixes, but to effectively help a child through aggression, they simply must be taught better, and teaching takes time and patience. Punishments may show children what not to do, but they don't teach children what to do.

Here are some tools for teaching anger management to children:

I made this Mr. Mad balloons for my son when he was showing aggressive behavior. When I saw that his anger or frustration was rising, I gave him a Mr. Mad balloon to pop. This is a sensory trick that works well for some children (others are afraid of popping balloons). He liked to pop them, and the loud noise seemed to reset his mood. He often went from angry to delighted and sometimes popped several, then toddled off happy.






The calm down spot is a great place for a time-in.

In the calm down area I used, I had a comfortable pillow to sit on, a few books, some colored rice, and a "calm down jar." The purpose of this area is to get your child's brain regulated. If you're familiar with the brain, you understand that aggression happens because the child's alarm is tripped and information gets sent to his lower brain where the fight, flight, or freeze reflex is housed. He cannot, at that time, access his thinking (higher) brain. So, the calm down area is much like an adult going away to take some deep breaths before dealing with a situation. It's simply a place to calm down. Once calm, higher brain functions can be reached, and the child can be taught better skills.

Here is a free PDF for teaching anger management. Here is an anger toolbox. Here is an anger stoplight tool.

My son was 3 when I wrote the anger stoplight post. He was just coming out of his hitting phase and still had a quick temper, though he was learning to do better after much patient teaching.

Now, he's 6 and the aggression problem ended long ago. He's sweet, kind, funny, and happy.

Meeting his aggression with gentleness time and time again showed him not that he could run over me, but that he could be gentle, too.

How to love courageously through aggression:

1. Understand that an aggressive child is a child in need. Not a bad child or a naughty child, but this is a child who needs the help of a loving, committed parent willing to teach him better emotional skills.

2. Get your own aggression under control. Meeting aggression with aggression results in an explosion that no one walks away from happy. Model how you want your child to behave.

3. Get your child away from the trigger. If you are home, utilize the time in or calm down area. If you are out, go to a safe place - your car, an isolated bench at the park, another room in a friend's home. Do what you would do in your calm down area at home. It's not a bad idea to carry a calm down travel bag.

4. If your child acting violent toward you, try a firm but gentle hold while telling her that you will keep her safe. If you cannot hold the child, place them in a safe place to calm down, such as a crib or their room. 

5. Once calm, use the tools in the post to teach emotions and behavior management. 

6. Restore and reconnect. Once the incident has passed, restore your child's dignity and self-concept by letting him know everyone makes mistakes and they are opportunities to learn and express your faith in your child to do well. Reconnect through play or cuddles.


Today, think about what it might teach your child if you meet aggression with calm gentleness. If you are struggling with an aggressive child, jot down a few of the teaching tools mentioned in this article that you think may help and try them out the next time you are faced with aggression. Commit to loving courageously through aggression for the month of February and see what sort of difference it makes.

Join me tomorrow for "Loving Courageously Through Bedtime Battles."







**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 11 (Courageous Love is Appreciative)

"Don't forget a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated." - H Jackson Brown

Courageous love doesn't focus on faults but on strengths. Courageous love sees the good and also appreciates it deeply. When is the last time you felt a real, deep gratitude for your child? This morning? Last week? Months ago?

It's wonderful to let kids know that you appreciate it when they do something good. It may be more wonderful to let them you know that you appreciate them for just being who they are and that you're grateful they are in your life.

Showing appreciation to our children teaches them to show appreciation to others.


Write thank you notes to your children. Sometimes, make them BIG and GRAND. Let them bask in your love and appreciation.Start an appreciation board in your home. On a white board, write "I appreciate..." and everyone in the family is encouraged to write what they're appreciative of on the board each week. Go over these appreciations at your family meeting.Take your child on a special outing just for him or her and say the only reason for it is to show your appreciation.Try out this warm fuzzy jar.  
Be intentional about looking each day for something that your child does that you can show appreciation for. List 5 things in your journal today that you appreciate about each member of your family.


Join me tomorrow for "Loving courageously through aggression."




**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a Love Courageously reminder band in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *Only 4 left in stock*

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

This manifesto is a beautiful declaration of your intentions as a positive parent. High Quality Downloadable PDF Print. Get it here.

Why We Yell and How to Stop!

You promise that you're not going to yell today. You really do try hard, but in a flash you lose control and yell at your kid. Then you feel terrible guilt and resolve, yet again, to do better.

Does this sound familiar? You're not alone.

Why Do We Yell?
Yelling is a function of the limbic system, the emotional centers of your brain. Here's how it works: Information is always coming at us. It goes through the amygdala first, and the amygdala decides where to send it, either to the cortex (your thinking brain) or the limbic system. If the incoming information triggers an emotional charge (like the kids fighting), it gets sent to the limbic system, the more primitive emotions center. Now you're reacting without giving much thought to the consequences (because logic and reasoning take place in the cortex, and you're not operating from there!), so then a flood of hormones is released that causes you to be alarmed. You get a surge of energy, and you release it by yelling.

Why the Guilt?
Once you're brain and body calm down, your cortex reengages, and you can now reason again. This causes you to feel terrible about yelling at your child because you see it wasn't a reasonable action to take. The Guilt Train makes a full stop at your door and invites you in. It's not a bad ride to take as long as you don't stay on too long. Guilt can be a good motivator for change if we choose to acknowledge it and create a plan for change.

How to Disarm Emotional Triggers
Most often, triggers are formed in us in our early years. For example, if whining triggers a strong emotional reaction, it is likely that you were shamed or scolded for whining when you were a child. It is helpful to identify your triggers by making a journal. Write down what triggers you and try to find out why it is a trigger. Usually, our triggers come with negative thought patterns. “My kid is such a crybaby! He cries over everything!” These negative thought patterns fuel frustration and build negative feelings. To disarm the trigger, get to know it. Understand it first, and then take the emotional charge out by reframing the thoughts that accompany the trigger. For example, instead of “My kid is such a crybaby,” try “My kid is having a hard time and needs my help.” If you are consistent with this, then, over time, the trigger will become deactivated.

...continue reading at CreativeChild

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 10 (Loving Courageously Through SleepDeprivation)

Sleep deprivation is no joke. I think this has been the hardest thing for me to show up through, because when I'm sleep deprived, it seems nothing about me functions properly.

For me, it was quite a long season, but in the end, it was just a season. Eventually, my kids did start sleeping all night and not needing me to lie down and help them get to sleep. So, while it doesn't make you less tired, part of loving courageously through sleep deprivation is realizing that this is just for a season.

Here are some tips for helping you get through it:

1. Say no to added responsibility. You have quite enough on your plate, thank you.

2. Go to bed early. I know it sounds ridiculous. There is so much to do still. Leave it. Sleep when you can.

3. Eat healthy. Take a multivitamin. Drink lots of water. Nutrition is important for fighting fatigue.

4. Help your child sleep better. Check out Elizabeth Pantley for ideas on gentle sleep solutions.

5. Have a relaxing, screen-free evening. This is a good way to wind everyone down for bedtime. Turn off screens and dim the lights about an hour before the bedtime routine starts.

6. Try meditation to help you sleep better.

7. Ask for help if you need it. Let daddy take an early shift on Saturday or seek the help of a grandparent, friend, or trusted sitter.

Loving courageously when you are sleep deprived is an act of sheer willpower. It's not easy, but loving courageously isn't about doing what's easy - it's about doing what's needed.

To show courageous love when you're sleep deprived:

1. Remind yourself to choose love. Your little ones don't mean to make you tired and irritable.

2. Take it easy. It's okay to have a day of cuddling and coloring. A restful day is the next best thing if you can't get the sleep you need.

3. If you feel yourself becoming irritable with your loved ones, remember to summon patience. Take a time out and shift your mood.

Of the above-listed tips, which ones are most practical for you to implement in your life right now? Can you make a plan and commit to it? And remember, when you're groggy and awakened at 3 am again, this too shall pass.

Join me tomorrow for Courageous Love is Appreciative.


**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.


The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

This manifesto is a beautiful declaration of your intentions as a positive parent. High Quality Downloadable PDF Print. Get it here.

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 10 (Loving Courageously Through SleepDeprivation)

Sleep deprivation is no joke. I think this has been the hardest thing for me to show up through, because when I'm sleep deprived, it seems nothing about me functions properly.

For me, it was quite a long season, but in the end, it was just a season. Eventually, my kids did start sleeping all night and not needing me to lie down and help them get to sleep. So, while it doesn't make you less tired, part of loving courageously through sleep deprivation is realizing that this is just for a season.

Here are some tips for helping you get through it:

1. Say no to added responsibility. You have quite enough on your plate, thank you.

2. Go to bed early. I know it sounds ridiculous. There is so much to do still. Leave it. Sleep when you can.

3. Eat healthy. Take a multivitamin. Drink lots of water. Nutrition is important for fighting fatigue.

4. Help your child sleep better. Check out Elizabeth Pantley for ideas on gentle sleep solutions.

5. Have a relaxing, screen-free evening. This is a good way to wind everyone down for bedtime. Turn off screens and dim the lights about an hour before the bedtime routine starts.

6. Try meditation to help you sleep better.

7. Ask for help if you need it. Let daddy take an early shift on Saturday or seek the help of a grandparent, friend, or trusted sitter.

Loving courageously when you are sleep deprived is an act of sheer willpower. It's not easy, but loving courageously isn't about doing what's easy - it's about doing what's needed.

To show courageous love when you're sleep deprived:

1. Remind yourself to choose love. Your little ones don't mean to make you tired and irritable.

2. Take it easy. It's okay to have a day of cuddling and coloring. A restful day is the next best thing if you can't get the sleep you need.

3. If you feel yourself becoming irritable with your loved ones, remember to summon patience. Take a time out and shift your mood.

Of the above-listed tips, which ones are most practical for you to implement in your life right now? Can you make a plan and commit to it? And remember, when you're groggy and awakened at 3 am again, this too shall pass.

Join me tomorrow for Courageous Love is Appreciative.


**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a Love Courageously reminder band in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *limited number available*. ••Only 5 left in stock!!••

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 10 (Loving Courageously Through Sleep Deprivation)

Sleep deprivation is no joke. I think this has been the hardest thing for me to show up through, because when I'm sleep deprived, it seems nothing about me functions properly.

For me, it was quite a long season, but in the end, it was just a season. Eventually, my kids did start sleeping all night and not needing me to lie down and help them get to sleep. So, while it doesn't make you less tired, part of loving courageously through sleep deprivation is realizing that this is just for a season.

Here are some tips for helping you get through it:

1. Say no to added responsibility. You have quite enough on your plate, thank you.

2. Go to bed early. I know it sounds ridiculous. There is so much to do still. Leave it. Sleep when you can.

3. Eat healthy. Take a multivitamin. Drink lots of water. Nutrition is important for fighting fatigue.

4. Help your child sleep better. Check out Elizabeth Pantley for ideas on gentle sleep solutions.

5. Have a relaxing, screen-free evening. This is a good way to wind everyone down for bedtime. Turn off screens and dim the lights about an hour before the bedtime routine starts.

6. Try meditation to help you sleep better.

7. Ask for help if you need it. Let daddy take an early shift on Saturday or seek the help of a grandparent, friend, or trusted sitter.

Loving courageously when you are sleep deprived is an act of sheer willpower. It's not easy, but loving courageously isn't about doing what's easy - it's about doing what's needed.

To show courageous love when you're sleep deprived:

1. Remind yourself to choose love. Your little ones don't mean to make you tired and irritable.

2. Take it easy. It's okay to have a day of cuddling and coloring. A restful day is the next best thing if you can't get the sleep you need.

3. If you feel yourself becoming irritable with your loved ones, remember to summon patience. Take a time out and shift your mood.

Of the above-listed tips, which ones are most practical for you to implement in your life right now? Can you make a plan and commit to it? And remember, when you're groggy and awakened at 3 am again, this too shall pass.

Join me tomorrow for Courageous Love is Appreciative.


**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a Love Courageously reminder band in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *limited number available*

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.