Rebecca Eanes's Blog, page 13

Replace the Time Out Chair for a Calm Down Area

Time-out is a popular technique for dealing with undesirable toddler behavior, but is it really best for the child? In Time Outs Are Hurting Your Child, doctors Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., and Daniel Siegel, M.D. tell us that the latest research suggests sitting alone in that chair is doing more harm than good.
When I learned that time-outs didn't work for my highly sensitive boy almost 6 years ago, I was led to look for an alternative for correcting his behavior. I found that a calm down area was much more effective for my sensitive son, and it worked just as well with my non-HSC (highly sensitive child) too.
What is a calm down area for?This is a place for a child to go either with the parent or willingly alone. It is not a punishment but a place to learn emotional intelligence followed by learning better behavior. What I've learned about children in my years of research is that their brains do not take information in when they are dysregulated (or very upset). During times of emotional upset, children are functioning from their lower brain (which controls the fight, flight, or freeze response) and need to calm down before they can access their higher brain (responsible for logical thought and reasoning). Therefore, the calm down area should be a soothing place for the child to engage their higher brains so they can then best learn the lesson we want to teach.
Wait, isn't that a reward for misbehavior?Think of it like this. When you get angry and are about to blow up at your child or spouse, do you take a few minutes to calm yourself first? You should. That ensures you are able to respond thoughtfully rather than react irresponsibly. When you take that time to breathe or repeat a mantra or go to the bathroom, you're essentially going to your own calm down area, even if just in your mind. Is that a reward for your anger? No. Does taking that little break in the bathroom make you want to get angry more often? Of course not. No one likes feeling out of control. We all need to learn how to take time to calm our brains down so we don't react, and it's best to start learning that as young as possible.
What's the difference? Don't they learn to take that break in the time-out chair?The difference is that the parent acts as an emotional coach in the calm down area. We talk through the emotions that the child is feeling and discuss ways to calm down and regulate our brains. A toddler isn't able to process all of that alone in a chair. Furthermore, sitting with a nose in a corner doesn't help most children calm down and often fuels the negative emotions. They may even feel rejected or isolated. Certainly, they aren't thinking about what they will do better next time, and even if they can repeat why they just had to sit there for 4 minutes, did they really learn what triggered their strong emotions or how to handle them better? Knowing what not to do is not equal to knowing what to do.
What goes in the calm down area?What you put in your calm down area is unique to your child. Find items that will suit them best. One of my children liked to draw or be read to and the other liked to pop balloons to calm down. I kept a box with several books, a glitter and water jar to shake, pencils and paper, rice for sensory play and balloons in our calm down area, along with a comfortable pillow to sit on.
How do you use the calm down area?...finish reading at CreativeChild

5 Strategies For Being a Patient Parent

1. Lessen your screen time. I don't know about you, but too much screen time makes my brain feel zapped, and I get very irritable. I've taken off all unnecessary apps, and I'm reaching for my phone less and less these days. Computer time is limited as well. I've found a lot regarding kids and screen time, but I haven't seen much in regard to how it changes adult brains. I can definitely tell a difference, though. For whatever reason, I just feel more calm and collected with much less screen time. See if it works for you as well.

Internist Kogan, on the other hand, believes the physical damages of increased technology use could be severe. She says that prolonged use can overstimulate the nervous system and increase production of cortisol, the so-called stress hormone.
“It’s the fight-or-flight response,” explains Kogan. “When you’re using these technologies, your cortisol will be pumping through the roof. And you don’t want higher levels of cortisol,” which increases your risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, insomnia, high blood pressure and diabetes. 

2. Get outside. There are so many benefits. Vitamin D. Exercise. Connection to nature and to your kids as you build forts or ride bikes. Spending time outdoors calms my nerves and makes me feel so much more relaxed, and that makes me more patient! Thank goodness spring has arrived here!

Wide open spaces mean more opportunities to boost your health. For one thing, getting outside forces you to get a little exercise, and exercise is the best natural mood booster there is. For another, being out and about makes you more likely to encounter neighbors and friends, and social contact is another no-fail way to cut stress, says Thompson. And five minutes outside is all it takes get the mood-boosting effect, according to a 2010 study in the journal Environmental Science & Technology. Researchers found that people experienced the largest boosts to their mood and self-esteem after just spending five minutes outside doing some form of light exercise, like walking.

3. Try essential oils. A good friend recently introduced me to EOs, and though I haven't tried it yet (my starter kit is on the way!) I want to share her testimony with you because its really amazing.

"I use stress away every day and it instantly chills me out. I can tell a difference if I haven't used it. My patience is very short without it. I was struggling really bad with mood swings and thought about going to the doctor to get on medication, but it lined me about within a week."

Wow, sign me up! Remember, this wasn't some rep trying to make a profit. This was one of my best friends! And she doesn't even sell it. Neither do I, for the record. I am just sharing information in the hopes of helping my fellow stressed out parents.

I've done some research since talking with my friend, and I'm really excited to try this. I've ordered my own starter kit from Young Living Essential Oils because their oils are organic - no fillers or chemicals. I will update you after I've used them myself for a couple of weeks!

Be sure to read up on the safety guidelines of using EOs.


4. Find your jam. Seriously, find music that relaxes you and play it during the most stressful times of your day. Music reduces stress, aids in relaxation, reduces negative emotions, and improves your mood. If the morning rush frazzles your nerves, try turning up your favorite tunes!

"Music is known to tap into various parts of the brain, that is why it is utilized by many experts in treating depressed or anxious patients. The meter, timber, rhythm and pitch of music are managed in areas of the brain that deal with emotions and mood. These key areas are the hippocampus, prefrontal cortex and the parietal lobe. 

The hippocampus, a structure of the limbic system, is responsible for spatial orientation, navigation and the consolidation of new memories. It also brings about emotional responses. The prefrontal cortex, on the other hand, manages extreme impulses and emotions. Known as the “seat of good judgment,” it enables one to make good and acceptable calls so that inappropriate behaviors are prevented. 

As for the parietal lobe, it is in charge of spatial orientation, information processing and cognition, affects many others. 

Because of its ability to alter the different parts of the brain, music has been utilized in a number of therapies. For example, it has been applied to stroke victims to teach them how to talk once again. At the same time, it is recommended to stutterers so that they can dictate words clearly once again. Since it reaches the emotion-related barriers too, music is now being utilized as a mood-altering therapy for depressed and anxious individuals." Resource

5. Get up before your kids. I hated this one at first. I kept reading how much it would help me, but I am not a morning person. Finally, I gave in and gave it a try. Seriously, what a difference it makes when I get my morning jog over with and sit with a nice cup of coffee before the kids even get up. I have to admit it, the days I roll out of bed extra early are the days when I have the most patience.

Resources:

Aromatherapy safety: https://www.naha.org/explore-aromathe...
Effects of music: http://www.emedexpert.com/tips/music....
http://examinedexistence.com/how-musi...
Effects of screens: http://www.forbes.com/2010/06/29/tech...
Spending time outdoors reduces stress: http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/e...

More tips for parenting with patience:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting...

http://www.abundantmama.com/how-to-be...

http://zenhabits.net/how-to-become-a-...

Capturing Miracle Moments

Albert Einstein is credited for saying, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I wonder how many of us have fallen into the former category, missing the miracles around us each day. We are too busy, stressed, overwhelmed, distracted, living life at 200 mph, and the miracle moments of our days go by in such a blur that we don't even see them. Imagine how different we would be – how grateful and joyful – if we stopped to capture those miracle moments.
If we collected them all throughout our children's childhood, what an amazing bank of memories we would have. If we gathered them throughout our marriage, what a strong bond we would create. If we captured miracle moments every day, with the intention that a child collects dandelions from the yard, what a beautiful life we would live.
I'm ready to live more fully. I'm ready to capture my miracle moments. If you'd like to join me, here are some ideas to get us started on our journey.
Start the day with intention.We need to set our focus anew each and every morning before we start our day. Begin with a verbal affirmation. “My miracle awaits.” Repeat this mantra as often as needed throughout the day. Visual reminders are helpful, so put them wherever you frequently go. To live life with your eyes and heart open, we have to change our daily habits. Intention, mantras, and reminders help us stay focused on our new goal.
Notice the miracles you encounter.The little one who comes to your bed for a cuddle is a miracle. The morning sun shining in your window is a miracle. The friend who offers you an encouraging word is a miracle. If we really look, we will notice that we encounter many miracles in our ordinary days, and noticing will cultivate gratitude. The gratitude and the miracle capturing, they enforce one another.
Keep a record.Once you notice it, capture it. I'm a journal keeper, but maybe you'll choose a miracle jar or photography. In whatever way you choose, keep a record of your miracle moments.

...continue reading at CreativeChild
I wear this reminder every day. It helps me to keep my eyes open for miracles that await me each day. You can get yours here. I don't have many of them left!

Love Courageously Challenge Compilation

I am not here to tell you how to parent. My purpose in having this website and Facebook page is only to encourage you to tune out the clamor of society and tune into your hearts and your children, and secondly, I hope to inspire you to see the miracles around you, to enjoy the seasons, and find joy in the journey. Positive parenting isn't a formula or a 12-step program, it's a philosophy of connection. It's learning to give unconditional, courageous love in a conditional love culture. It's about living and loving well.
In February, we had a 28-day Love Courageously Challenge. Below is the link for each day so that you may complete this challenge any time or refer back to those posts you need the most.

What Loving Courageously means.
Day 1: Let's begin.Day 2: Courageous Love is PatientDay 3: Courageous Love Isn't CriticalDay 4: Courageous Love is KindDay 5: Courageous Love is AttentiveDay 6: Courageous Love is ExpressiveDay 7: Courageous Love Sees the BestDay 8: Loving Courageously Through TantrumsDay 9: Loving Courageously Through BurnoutDay 10: Loving Courageously Through Sleep DeprivationDay 11: Courageous Love is AppreciativeDay 12: Loving Courageously Through AggressionDay 13: Loving Courageously Through Bedtime BattlesDay 14: Loving Courageously Through the Teen YearsDay 15: Loving Courageously Through WhiningDay 16: Loving Courageously Through Mealtime BattlesDay 17: Courageous Love is Not Self-SeekingDay 18: Loving Courageously When They Don't ListenDay 19: Loving Courageously Through DawdlingDay 20: Loving Courageously Through LyingDay 21: Loving Courageously When There's DangerDay 22: Loving Courageously Through Bad AttitudesDay 23: Loving Courageously Through Bad Moods (Yours!)Day 24: Loving Courageously Through StressDay 25: Loving Courageously Through DepressionDay 26: Loving Courageously Through Back TalkDay 27: Loving Courageously Through Sensory ChallengesDay 28: Loving Courageously Challenge Results

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have arrived! You can order yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering here. Ships worldwide.

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

5 Things Your Toddler Needs You To Know

Hi there. I'm your toddler, and there's a few things you really need to know about me. Knowing these things will make things better for all of us. Also, please let me have a cookie while you read this.

1. My Brain is a Toddler Too!
You know the part of your brain that is responsible for logical thinking, forming strategies and planning, foreseeing and weighing possible consequences for behavior, and impulse control? That's called the prefrontal cortex , and mine is very underdeveloped! It doesn't even really begin to develop until around age 4, and it won't be mature until I'm in my 20's!
That means I can't possibly be manipulating you when I cry or have strong emotions. Manipulation requires forming strategies and planning. I'm really just having a hard time when I have a tantrum or act aggressively, and what I need is help.
The best way to make sure my prefrontal cortex grows strong is to show me what it looks like to use yours first, because I really like to imitate you, and then, when I'm a little older, help me practice using mine by teaching me ways to calm down, showing me how to empathize, and helping me learn how to problem-solve and think my way through problems. My brain and I will thank you when I grow up!
2. I Am NEEDY!
Related to the aforementioned underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, now you understand that my bedtime shenanigans and toileting woes are really not a master plan to drive you bonkers. Promise. It's just that bedtime isn't as fun as playing with you, and I like my diaper just fine.
Due to the whole wavering ability to foresee and weigh possible consequences and control my impulses, sometimes you might think I'm being naughty. Just try to understand that everything I do is to get a need met, because that's my driving force right now. That only fully developed part of my brain (the brainstem) is all about getting my needs met. So, if you want me to go to bed, let's make a sweet routine, snuggle a bit and I really like it when you rub my back. 
3. I Am Whatever You Say I Am!
My self-concept is being formed right this minute, and right now, I see myself the way you see me. So, if you see me as naughty or bad, that's how I'll see myself. If you see me as kind and wonderful, that's what I'll think about me, too. Oh, and just so you know, I'll always strive to live up (or down) to my self-concept; that's what we humans do. If you want me to be good and kind and caring, catch me being those things and tell me! I like hearing you say nice things about me, and when you see me as a good person, I'll want to behave like one.
4. Be Connected!...continue reading at CreativeChild

Lost in Translation - The Truth About Positive Parenting

Here's a comment on a recent thread about being a gentle parent:

Today's children are spoiled brats with no sense of honor much less respect because many parents fear disciplining their children. Gentle parenting is coddling and spoiling kids instead of teaching them manners, respect and to respect their belongings and others around them.... no baby you can have whatever you want cause Mommy or daddy are afraid to say no cause you might throw a temper tantrum.

This commenter is sadly misinformed about what positive or gentle parenting is, but unfortunately this is a common misunderstanding. I've seen dozens of comments like this one over the years, and I wonder if our message is getting lost in translation.

People hear "gentle parenting" and automatically assume we coddle incessantly, only want to be our child's friend, and have no limits.

People hear "positive parenting" and automatically assume we are blinded by an ideal of sunshine and kittens and don't quite get parenting is a big job with real challenges because apparently we make everything all better for our fragile tulips at the first sign of distress.

People here "peaceful parenting" and assume that means we do anything to keep the peace, including giving in to our child's every demand and whim.

Finally, people hear "conscious parenting" and perhaps think it's some sort of new-age fad.

Language is very powerful. The associations we build with certain words brings an automatic emotional reaction. We all know this to be true already. Mother. Father. Religion. Faith. Spouse. Republican.

These words all have definitions, and yet each words means something a little different for each of us based on our associations with the word.

We use terms like gentle, positive, peaceful, and conscious to convey the message that we've chosen something other than conventional punitive or fear-based parenting, but the message of what positive parenting really is isn't reaching people because I lose them at the word "positive."

Perhaps it's time for a new term? I wonder if considerate parenting is more palatable? Intentional parenting? Compassionate parenting?

I suppose my favorite may be "mindful parenting" because that truly is the definition of what I'm doing. I have to be mindful to not repeat old patterns. I have to be mindful not to yell. I have to be mindful to maintain emotional discipline. I have to be mindful about building relationships. I have to be mindful about what I'm teaching my children.

Maybe I need to change the name of the page.

But let me tell you the truth about the positive parenting *I* speak of on this website and on my Facebook page.

Positive parenting is not permissive parenting. Permissive parents fail to set limits or teach children what is acceptable, and that is negligent, not positive and certainly not mindful.

I believe actions have consequences, I just don't throw my weight around to hand them out to make my kids "pay." I believe they are responsible for fixing their own mistakes, and sitting in a chair or losing an iPad doesn't teach them how to do that, so we look for solutions when there's a problem. Problem-solving is about solving the problem, not just punishing it. It takes work, actually, and quite a lot of time and teaching. I'd rather send my kid to a time out chair, actually. That'd be easier, but I mindfully choose to discern what lesson needs to be taught in each situation and guide my child to learning that lesson. Sometimes, that means my child loses something. A toy he threw would get taken away when he was a toddler. A Kindle might get taken away today if it's the source of the problem.



I love being my children's friend, but that's not all I am. I have friends. I love them, but it's not the same relationship I have with my children. I can be my husband's wife and friend. I can be a parent and a friend, too. If I let my responsibility to them end at friendship, I'm cheating them out of a mother. I'm so much more than that.

I'm certainly not afraid to say no. I still have the authority here. I'm still the leader. "Can I have this toy, please!?" "No." I say it all the time; just ask my kids. If they get upset that they can't have the toy, I tell them I'm sorry they're upset, but still no, unless you want to work for it. Then, yes, because we can work toward things we want.

Those who think positive parenting is the easy way out are mistaken. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It has taken so much diligence, courage, study, love, and work to parent this way. Five years in and I'm still a work in progress, and I suspect I always will be, if I'm doing it right. I don't do it to coddle my children. I don't do it to be their best friend. I do it in an attempt to raise wholehearted, emotionally healthy human beings. I do it because healthy relationships make us healthier overall. I do it because what they live now, they will take with them into the world, and I want them to take gentleness and compassion, grace and forgiveness, kindness and love out there because heaven knows the world needs it.

Your Miracle Awaits

Within, you feel the little kicks,
flutters as she moves about.
Human life inside human life.
Your miracle awaits.

The adoption has been approved at last.
Soon, that child will be in your arms,
and he will know the love of family.
Your miracle awaits.

Those little eyes look up at you,
beckoning you to come and play.
You have so much to do, but you pause.
You notice what is most important,
so you go with her.
Your miracle awaits.

This can't be how the story goes.
Everyone disconnected and angry so much.
You only have to let go of control
and allow yourself to love courageously.
Your miracle awaits.

The bond you once shared can be reclaimed.
The joy you felt can be found again.
The beauty that surrounds you can become clear once more.
Your miracle awaits.

Your teen is in his room, withdrawn.
You wonder if you should leave him be
or if you should go in and at least just try.
Maybe he'll open up this time.
You take a step toward his door.
Your miracle awaits.

Perhaps you have an adult child
who is estranged from you.
You lost hope long ago.
Maybe connection can be restored.
Reach out and take a chance.
Your miracle awaits.

She's been away at college
and is returning home today.
You can't wait to catch up,
to see her smiling face.
Your miracle awaits.

Your grown son stops by
to give you flowers and a hug.
"Thanks for the love you gave me.
Now it's my turn to give it to my son.
He'll be here any day now!"
His miracle awaits.
Your miracle awaits.

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Miracles are all around us. Our children are miracles. The world they invite us into is a miracle. The way they grow us is a miracle. The way we nurture them is a miracle. The love they give to us is a miracle. The connection we have is a miracle. Each day is a miracle if only we open our eyes to the possibilities.

As I was thinking about what phrase I wanted to be reminded of each day, I went through a list in my mind. I had just written You Are My Miracle, and the phrase was stuck on my heart. If there was anything that I wanted a wearable reminder of, it is that there are miracles awaiting us every single day. As the phrase "your miracle awaits" came to my mind, I thought about how relevant it is in so many situations to so many different people. I knew that was it.

So, I placed an order for these beautiful handmade leather bracelets, which you can find in my shop.
This wrist wrap is a gentle and present reminder that your miracle awaits, whatever it may be today.



Blessings,
Rebecca

Love Courageously Challenge Results - Day 28

For the past 27 days, we've talked about what courageous love is and how to give it even through difficult circumstances.

Now that we are at the end of our challenge, think on the following questions and record your answers in your journals.

What did loving courageously do for you and your family this month?

Did you notice that loving courageously caused more or less misbehavior? 

How did loving courageously affect your connection to your family?

How did loving courageously affect the atmosphere of your home?

Do you want to continue to love courageously? What kind of support do you need in order to make that happen?

Loving Courageously Through Sensory Challenges (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 27)

I'm honored to welcome Dayna to my website today to talk about loving courageously through sensory challenges. Dayna is the author at Lemon Lime Adventures and owner of Project Sensory.
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When you become a parent, you see images of happy families everywhere. You see mothers hugging their children and children smiling. You can't help but notice the happy families in the park, the children laughing at restaurants and you start to form an image of what your family will look like. However sometimes things don't turn out picture perfect. In fact, sometimes parenting can throw you for a loop and you have to learn how to love courageously through special needs such as sensory challenges.
All parenting has its struggles, that is for sure. This series is a great example of struggles that parents face everyday in their quest to love unconditionally. Today I would like to share a few ways that we have learned to love unconditionally through our son's sensory challenges.What are Sensory Challenges?While all children have some sensory preferences and dislikes, some children have more difficulty processing the world around them. In this case, their brains and sensory systems have a hard time integrating all of the input they are receiving and making sense of that input. This can result in a variety of sensory challenges and even a child who is diagnosed with sensory processing disorder.Every day things that most children and parents take for granted can become a struggle. Getting out the door with socks that feel "right", finding a food your child will actually eat, having a child who constantly pushes and jumps... these are just a few of the challenges that your child might face.Love Courageously Though Sensory ChallengesEducate Yourself, Your Family, and Your Community | When you are starting on your journey to parent a child with sensory challenges, you might find that you feel lost and you feel like a terrible parent. Its important to arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can on both positive parenting strategies and sensory processing needs.
Recognize Sensory Needs | This is the tricky part. Its important to remember that children everywhere have needs and wants that are the root cause of their misbehavior and their frustrations. When your child has sensory challenges it can be very hard to determine the what is sensory and what is misbehavior. Learning to recognize your child's triggers (such as loud spaces, new people, certain textures, etc) can help you and your child feel more connected and positive.
Be Consistent | As with any good positive parenting routine, you want to start with consistency and clear expectations. A child with sensory challenges may have difficulty flying by the seat of their pants or making changes on a whim. They might even have meltdowns that are a result of unclear expectations.
Acceptance | As you learn more and more about your child's sensory needs, you will learn that many of their behaviors and attitudes come with the territory. This doesn't mean you are making excuses for them or allowing them to get away with things. Instead, you are learning to accept the things your child struggles with and what they are successful at. It will allow you to let go of some of the behaviors that bother you the most. A good example, is "look at me". While you might have grown up learning that this is the only acceptable form of respect from a child, you might have to accept and adjust your expectations if your child is unable to hold appropriate eye contact.
Let it Go | Parenting a child with sensory challenges might mean you get yelled at, deal with meltdowns frequently, and feel like a rotten parent. One of the best things I have learned to do while parenting my child with big emotions is to let it go, not take it personally and realize that my child is having a hard time not giving me one. It is important to let go of the blame, the guilt and the frustrations so that you are able to show your child the love they deserve (even on the hard days).
Today's Challenge : Do you know your child's sensory triggers? Can you recognize them and help your child cope through these challenges? Over the next few days, take quick notes on your child's meltdowns or frustrations. What happened before, during and after? Do you notice any patterns that you can try to adjust so that you and your child are happier and able to love courageously together?

  Dayna is a National Board Certified teacher, with over 12 years of experience in early childhood education, who now homeschools her 3 children, one of which struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder. She is the author at Lemon Lime Adventures and owner of Project Sensory, where she is dedicated to sharing real life stories with parents and educators about the pretty and the not so pretty days involved in raising children. You can connect with Dayna over on Facebook, Twitter,Instagram, and G+!




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Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.

Loving Courageously Through Back Talk (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 26)

Today, I am pleased to welcome Ariadne Brill of Positive Parenting Connection to my blog. Ariadne is speaking to us about loving courageously through back talk.

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For many parents, "back talk" can be a big button pushing moment. When you have made a nice request and receive "back talk" like whatever, no way and you can’t make me in return it can feel extra hard to respond calmly and kindly. Being a loving presence when a child back talks may seem wrong, but really it is what a child needs in that moment: loving guidance. One of the principles behind positive parenting is the idea that behavior is communication. Back talk or any time when behavior and communication is off, is a good clue that our children are trying to tell us something. They just happen to be having a hard time doing so, with words we wish to hear. While back talk may be a trigger for reacting to our children, back talk really can be an opportunity to step back. We can use this moment of miscommunication as an opportunity to offer guidance, model respectful language and give unconditional love. Offering guidance and love when a child uses back talk isn't an excuse to allow disrespectful exchanges. Instead it is an opportunity to help your child learn to express himself in a clear yet respectful manner. "I hear you are upset" is a loving and kind alternative to "don't you talk to me that way young lady!" "I'd like to hear your side of the story. I find it hard to do so if you if you say whateves and i dont care. Let’s start over."  is a loving way to make your values clear and still invite communication. When we change our own responses to back talk we are actively modeling the type of language we wish to hear. We also reassure our children that we are confident in their abilities to be respectful and that our parenting boundaries can be kind and clear at the same time. How does this work in practice?Lets say your child offers you some back talk like this: "I'm not setting the table and you cant make me!" A loving yet confident response can be: "I hear you don't want to set the table, you are right that I cant make you. I also trust you to complete your job, even if it’s not what you really want to do right now. There are still about 10 minutes before dinner is served, you can play for five minutes and then help, or help and then play until dinner is ready." Back talk can be a sign a child needs more choice, more power, encouragement or more loving guidance. Sometimes it can also just be a reflection of how they are being treated. "Go to your room. Pick up those toys. Get moving! How many times...." Sound familiar? Whenever I let stress seep into my life, communication might get rushed with my children and I’ll  hear more of those unhelpful phrases coming out. The minute I Infuse my interactions with more kindness and connectedness, I see my children begin doing the same! So, to erase "you cant make me," "no way," "whatever," and "you go do it" I encourage you to look at back talk as an invitation for more connection with your child. Validate their feelings “I hear you wish you didn’t have to...” and “You don’t think you can do this? Did I get that right?”  Then see it as a chance to model respectful requests. "I cant make you AND i value your help. What do you say we work together?"Back talk is not effective or polite, so the best way to help our children to communicate in a better way, is to show them how, with loving, kind words.  

Peace & Be Well, Ariadne

Ariadne Brill is the mother to three children. She has a B.S. in Communication, is a certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, and continues to advance her studies in child development, psychology and family counseling. Ariadne is also the founder of the Positive Parenting Connection and the author of Twelve Alternatives to Time Out: Connected Discipline Tools for Raising Cooperative Children.Websitehttp://positiveparentingconnection.net

Join me tomorrow for Loving Courageously Through Sensory Challenges.




**************************************************

Read the post that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

The "I CHOOSE LOVE" bracelets you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order my bestselling book for more ways to embrace love.