Leandra Medine's Blog, page 67

The Startup World Is Coming for Your Underwear Drawer

Ask any woman where the real skeletons are in her closet, and she could conceivably point you to her underwear drawer, where the rayon thong she wore the night she went to third base in tenth grade has somehow retained its occupancy. Needless to say, a typical underwear drawer is what confusion looks like in sartorial form. It houses an alarmingly vast array of different shapes, colors, brands, and styles, tattered granny panties, the occasional period stain that remains despite numerous washes, and other questionable specimens. It’s the opposite of streamlined. It’s also proof that the $15B underwear industry is ripe for disruption.

I realize that particular phrase has been bandied about often enough over the last few years that its meaning has dulled, but it’s the most accurate way to describe the state of intimates in 2019. I could easily make an emphatic case for my favorite brand of jeans, or swimsuits, or oat milk, or cellular device, but underwear? I haven’t a clue. This sense of bewilderment (not to mention lack of brand loyalty) is likely why a number of underwear startups have gained traction over the last few years.

The models look sexy not because they are half-naked or posing in overtly suggestive ways, but rather because they look comfortable and self-assured.

If you’ve spent time in downtown Manhattan recently, you’ve probably walked past giant wheatpaste ads announcing the launch of Parade, a startup whose mission–as stated on its website–is to “rewrite the American underwear story.” The posters themselves paint a picture of how the brand is trying to do that, showcasing models of different sizes (Parade’s sizing goes up to a 3X) without a single pair of skin-colored underwear in sight (though Parade underwear does come in black, the emphasis is placed on their technicolor offering). Notably, the models look sexy not because they are half-naked or posing in overtly suggestive ways, but rather because they look comfortable and self-assured–a decided contrast to classic Victoria’s Secret advertisements of yore.

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Parade makes Creative Basics—expressive underwear in soft, sustainable fabrics.

Unconventional Life Hack: Initiate Group Chats Prematurely

Moving to New York at 26 was great for my professional life and temporarily nightmarish for my social life. There were months, maybe years, when a mini panic about my social brokenness seemed one reminder away. A weekend without plans (grim). A cancelled hangout (disappointing). A touching piece of writing about the unique importance of female friendship (a personal attack). Each one was a reminder that my circle didn’t look how I imagined it should, and how that was probably my fault. Today I can scoff at that logic from a comedic distance, but at the time it felt horrible! I felt like the human incarnation of the cigarette cockroach! Ready to party but all alone.

Tired: pizza rat
Wired: cigarette cockroach pic.twitter.com/HPxBLkWstX

— Tom Kretchmar (@tkretchmar) October 18, 2019

I credit a few different things with finally transforming me into the post-spiral pizza rat I am today. One of them is pretty obvious, the second is less obvious than it should be, and the third is a wild card, so don’t touch that dial.

The first thing I did was commit to expanding my network. I know this advice has reached truism status, but it was as much a mental exercise as a practical one for me. It didn’t just mean facilitating hangouts with basically-strangers, it meant being honest with myself and others about my desire to grow my connections in New York (even when it made me feel deeply uncool). The second thing I did was even more important than that: I let time pass. I wish someone had told me how important patience was in the process of making friends. It just takes a while to meet people and build friendships, but it does happen eventually, and usually through random means versus more forced avenues like clubs and mixers, at least in my experience. Given time is a [heretofore] unstoppable force, I think I’d have appreciated knowing it was on my side.

But after those two, I credit one small habit with the solidification of many of my New York friendships: the premature group chat.

This is where things get literal. “Premature group chat” is not a metaphor. I’m talking about a text thread with multiple people, brought together by a vaguely common interest before it may feel logically warranted. When I think about my social network in New York, which has now grown larger than the one I had in San Francisco, I can trace almost all of them back to texting. Isn’t that stupid? I don’t even like to text that much!

Here’s an example: A couple years ago, Harling and I followed these girls Zoe and Paige on Instagram. They worked for Marc Jacobs and they made these weird spoof videos that made us laugh. Like this:

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We had three professional photographers and two videographers there the night before but @evachen212 told me iphone authenticity is key so happy #NYFW y'all.

You Look Moist: MR’s Managing Editor Talks Heavy-Hitting Winter Moisturizers and More

Welcome to You Look Moist, a regular column wherein Man Repeller asks cool people with glowing visages how they achieved their supreme hydration (amongst other things). Today’s installment features none other than Gyan Yankovich, Man Repeller’s managing editor.

How would you describe your skin?

Moist—according to Harling! I actually went to get a new passport photo taken today and I had to have it re-taken because I was too dewy (the photographer actually used the word “shiny,” but whatever, I was flattered). I have normal to sensitive skin, but I also get seborrheic dermatitis around my nose and mouth when I’m stressed or the seasons change. When I was a teenager, I was on medication to keep it under control but these days my skin is pretty well behaved.

How would you describe your skincare approach in general?

I was a beauty editor for three years, so I’ve been lucky enough to try a lot of products and speak to a lot of experts about skincare. A few years ago, I definitely would have classified my skincare routine as high maintenance, but compared to some people’s habits in these skin-obsessed times, I’d say my approach is minimal-ish.

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I’m the puff guy

A post shared by Gyan Yankovich (@gyanyankovich) on Nov 8, 2019 at 10:01am PST

Which skincare products are integral to your routine for achieving your ideal, glowing, well-moisturized complexion, and how/when do you use each of them?

I’m obsessed with face oils. My number one product used to be The Jojoba Company’s jojoba oil (technically a wax), which I would buy in bulk in Australia and bring back to New York with me, but it was recently toppled from its pedestal by Go-To Face Hero. It’s a blend of jojoba, rose hip (which I find too rich on its own), calendula (so good for sensitive skin), and more. I put a lot of it on before bed and about 2–3 drops in the morning—I don’t mind an oily look.

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I only cleanse my skin at night. At the moment I’m using Pai Light Work Rosehip Cleansing Oil (it has a good reputation for a reason) to remove my eye makeup, followed by BANILA CO Clean It Zero Original Cleansing Balm, which feels so good and is only $16. Every morning, I use a vitamin C serum (I’m liking this $20 one at the moment) and every 2–3 nights apply a retinoid (currently, this one from The Ordinary).

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I’m also religious about sunscreen. When I was a baby 20-year-old beauty assistant, I went to a press event and was shown my skin damage in a UV photograph. It scared me so much I literally don’t leave the house without 50 SPF. At the moment, I’m quite liking IPKN Big Apple Sun Cream, which is another under-$25 rec for you!

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What about makeup products?

I’ve consistently used Clinique Moisture Surge CC Cream for at least four years. It has a really limited shade range, so I’m always hesitant to recommend it to people, but it gives the perfect amount of dewy coverage.

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What’s the cheapest product you use regularly and love?

I’m really into this hyaluronic acid moisturizer that’s $22 on Amazon. I’ve tried a few COSRX products, but this one is my fave. It’s like a gel/cream hybrid and is so hydrating I actually only use it at night because I literally look damp (in a good way) after I apply it. Finding affordable skincare products is a bit of a passion of mine. After getting so many free products as a beauty editor, I can’t bring myself to spend $90 on a serum. If I noticed a real difference, I would, but there are so many great low-cost options out there.

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Is there anything you try to avoid, skincare- or makeup-wise?

I try to avoid physical exfoliants because I know that they’re not good for your skin, though I will admit I do use Dermalogica Multivitamin Thermafoliant about once a month. Makeup-wise, as I get closer to 30 I’ve started to notice that the more under-eye concealer I apply, the older and more tired I actually look. I apply my concealer using a fluffy eyeshadow brush to keep it looking super light.

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Any next-level tips, tricks, or services that you swear by to help you look “lit from within”?

I apologize in advance for these incredibly cliché answers but… sleep and water. I get nine hours of sleep most nights—it’s what I need to function—and the first thing I do every morning is drink a 17-ounce bottle of tap water. I also swear by my jade roller, which I keep in the freezer. My favorite Sunday night routine is putting on a sheet mask (my all-time fave is Dr. Jart+ Dermask Brightening Solution) and rolling my face while I watch TV. It’s the ultimate hydration + lymphatic drainage combo.

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Me feat. the best lighting in Canggu.

A post shared by Gyan Yankovich (@gyanyankovich) on Jun 9, 2018 at 3:20am PDT

What’s your go-to product or trick for fixing a skin disaster?

Besides the rare pimple, my biggest skin disaster is a dermatitis outbreak around my nose and chin. Beyond steroid creams, which I avoid, I’ve found First Aid Ultra Repair Cream to be the most helpful product out there. I was really worried about how my skin would react to its first real winter in New York after I moved here in mid-2017 (Sydney winters are balmy in comparison), but this cream has gotten me through two cold seasons without any dryness or serious dermatitis breakouts.

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Do you do anything differently skincare-wise when you travel?

First of all, I never wear makeup on a plane—ever. I’ve taken my jade roller on a flight to Sydney before and always make sure I have moisturizer and hand cream (I love Aesop) in my carry-on, both of which I’ll apply every few hours. I’m also one of those annoying people who drink a shit-ton of water while flying and need to go to the bathroom constantly. This is why I always go for the aisle seat.

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What’s something you wish your teenage self knew about taking care of your skin?

I have an incredibly vivid memory of taking a shower before school one day and the hot water irritating my dermatitis so badly I burst into tears. My face didn’t feel like mine—it was so red, angry, and bumpy. I wish my teenage self knew that it would pass, not to take her dad’s advice to wash her face with soap, and to wear sunscreen every single day goddammit.

The post You Look Moist: MR’s Managing Editor Talks Heavy-Hitting Winter Moisturizers and More appeared first on Man Repeller.

We Obsessively Categorized All the Podcasts You Recommended

Listening to a podcast often falls at the very end of my to-do list, somewhere between taking off my chipped nail polish and checking my inbox for DSW promo codes. I should probably go listen to Democracy Now or something, is a thought that often plays at the fringes of my mind, usually right before I do anything else. Something about the podcasting world–the sheer abundance of podcasts out there, maybe, or the gratuitous way they can be name-dropped in conversations–makes the barrier to entry feel deceptively high to me. But I know it only takes one good story, host, or topic to get sucked in. I just need to find the right one.

A couple months ago, in the interest of making the podcasting world more approachable, and in order to cut through the aforementioned noise, Harling asked the Man Repeller community to help her compile a list of the most addicting podcasts. And 240 comments later, we commissioned the following infographic based on your suggestions. If you’ve felt a little wayward like me, I can confirm the below will offer you a healthy head start. (If you’re reading on your phone, just pinch to zoom, and feel free to save the whole image to your camera roll for life-long perusing.)

Happy listening!

Infographic and feature graphic by Alyssa Frazier. Research by Medgina Saint-Elien.

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Exactly What to Wear When You’re Trying on a Ton of Clothes

Allow me to set the scene: You’re in a stuffy, brightly-lit dressing room struggling to remove knee-high boots, unbutton your button-fly skinny jeans, and pull them off over your ankles–all while wearing an itchy wool turtleneck sweater and aluminum-free deodorant. You’re sweating and your heart is racing because it feels like you’re taking forever just to take your own clothes off, let alone actually trying some on. A question echoes from the depths of your perspiring forehead: Isn’t shopping supposed to be fun?

It rarely feels that way when you’re not dressed in a strategic fashion beforehand. I realize it sounds counterintuitive to spend time thinking about what to wear for the purposes of finding other stuff to wear, and yet I can confidently say that doing so can be the difference between accomplishing what you set out to do and departing with nothing but a sweaty neck and a sense of defeat.

After years of trial and error, I have finally perfected the ultimate shopping-day outfit strategy–an approach that facilitates an optimal dressing room experience. Keep scrolling for six tips.

1. Carefully Consider Your Undergarments

Skin-colored high-waist cotton underwear is the best underwear for trying on clothes, hands down. Avoid anything with spandex because it clings and will slip as you’re taking other garments on and off (if you’re trying on a slip dress or anything silk–FORGET IT). Don’t stress about underwear lines–full coverage is best in this case because you’re trying something on that dozens of other people have also probably tried on. I also like to wear a tank top–also cotton–over a skin-colored bra (silhouette can vary based on what kind of bra you typically wear). The tank is important because occasionally you’re shopping with friends and want to open the dressing room door without feeling naked standing there. They’re also useful if you’re just trying on pants.

See All 4


2. Do. Not. Wear. Skinny. Jeans

Skinny jeans are the epitome of hard-to-get-on-and-off, which means they are an automatic obstacle to easy retail shopping. We all know that the moment you leave the dressing room after trying on tons of stuff is the moment you spot the perfect item you didn’t see before. Suddenly you’re weighing the temptation to go back in and try it on versus the challenge of peeling off your skinny jeans once again. This dilemma could have been avoided in the first place if you’d worn a pair of pants more conducive to the occasion. I would suggest something with an elastic waist–potentially these track pants, these joggers or these trousers.

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3. Keep the Top Simple and Avoid Static-Prone Knits

I will never forget trying on a slew of dresses before a high school dance and crying because by the last one my hair was standing straight above my head like one of those mini troll dolls. My mistake was entering the dressing room clad in a static-y knit, but now I know better. I recommend avoiding cashmere and/or wooly knits of any kind. Chunky knits or knits with a tight turtleneck are generally a bad idea, too, because they’re an arm workout and if you wear makeup you’ll get it all over them. Instead, layer a half-zip or cardigan (easy to pull or button on and off) over the aforementioned tank top (or long-sleeve T-shirt if it’s cold).

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4. Stay Clear of Extraneous Embellishments

I’ve lost beloved earrings in dressing rooms, so this comes from the heart. Wear studs if anything–never dangly ones (they get caught on the clothes) or hoops (ouch). If you’re going to wear necklaces, avoid anything with crystals or prongs. I suggest a simple chain or strand of beads. Lastly, try not to wear rings, especially if they’re not properly fitted. I lost my mother’s band once because it slipped off my finger in a dressing room…. (I guess I lose stuff a lot, huh.) Learn from my mistakes!

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5. Slip Into Some Slip-Ons

Shoes that slip easily on and off are ideal for dressing room shenanigans. If you want to wear boots, I suggest a version like these with a cheating zipper rather than a true combat boot so you don’t have to mess with the laces. If you’re trying on dresses and need a heel, ask to borrow a pair or bring your own (especially if you have a specific pair in mind that you want to wear with the dress). My absolute favorite dressing room shoe is a loafer or ballet flat because they’re comfortable to walk in and don’t require bending down.

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6. BYOB

Bring your own bags! I like to shop with a small handbag stuffed with one small and one XL Baggu or convertible bag. Doing so means I A) won’t waste paper or plastic if I buy something B) can keep my purchases compact, and C) can sling whatever I’m toting over my shoulder when I’m done instead of dealing with the inevitable palm digging scenario cultivated by a classic shopping bag.

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What’s your go-to outfit when you know you’re going to be trying stuff on? I want to hear your tricks too.

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Is Humility the New Vulnerability?

Recently, word came from the New York Times that what we want above all things—in a partner, in ourselves—is humility.

This may be an unavoidable product of our digital half-lives, where humility is rarely in evidence. As the web has grown, so, too, has the need to stand out, to make one’s name—an ambition that seems to require grandiosity, volume, an unwavering commitment to self-promotion. This was the Age of Bombast.

In response, the Age of Vulnerability has emerged in recent years, born of a culture coping with broken systems. Consider the college student begging for money for his insulin on GoFundMe, which is basically “be vulnerable in a compelling way or you literally die.” Consider the black mothers on television whose children have been killed by police, or members of the trans community facing an epidemic of violence, or children sentenced by a government to a cage. Real, transformative change only happens when they and their supporters share their stories in powerful ways—which forces them to exhibit vulnerability at exceptionally high levels.

Online, we perform, like so many bears juggling objects of increasing impossibility.

Whether those necessary battles have been won or not, the collective moves on, because we can only handle so much vulnerability, and threat, and despair—and because once we all saw how successful performative vulnerability was, it was applied more liberally, to less deserving causes: It became not a measure of last resort but a marketing strategy.

And so we turn to humility.

It’s meaningful that in craving humility, we crave something that is fundamentally alien to the online platforms where we now spend so much of our time. Online, we perform, like so many bears juggling objects of increasing impossibility: balls, then chainsaws, then other bears, on fire. In the digital public square, the characteristics that define humility—nuance, moderation, discretion—are impossible to discern in a maelstrom of invective and noise. Humility asks us to refrain: from trumpeting our fancy meal, our new partner, our beach vacation, all in language that underplays our satisfaction to a degree parallel to our actual satisfaction.

We can choose to be humbled by surrounding ourselves with things that are wonderful and grand.

Actual humility asks us to keep these pleasures ourselves. But if we do so, we pay a price, because we go unseen—and in this online world, ever encroaching on the real one, visibility is often the closest possible approximation to what we actually need: connection. There is no real way to act humbly online while also being noticed—which leaves us with one of two choices. We can perform #humility. It will look enough like the real thing to fool some people, and we can hashtag our #randomactofkindness until we collectively recoil and move on to the next thing. Or we can respond more fully to our sense that humility is the right way forward by seeking it out away from our screens.

We can choose to be humbled by surrounding ourselves with things that are wonderful and grand, whether that might be a forest or a painting or a dog. We can be kind. We can ask for forgiveness, or help. We can admit we feel like juggling bears. We can return an overdue apology, or library book. It won’t get the likes, but the likes weren’t worth that much, anyway.

Graphic by Coco Lashar.

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Office Apropos: 4 Fall Outfits, 4 Very Good Pairs of Pants

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I cursed the colder months and the boring pants+sweater outfit equation they forced upon me and my wardrobe. However, dear reader, my opinion of these months and their perceived style rules has totally changed—mainly thanks to the endless reminders from my collogues that pants and sweaters need not be boring. Below, see four very different outfits featuring four very pleasing pairs of pants.

Oh, and if you haven’t already, might I gently suggest checking out what everyone wore on Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday, and Monday.

Harling

I woke up wanting to wear a recently acquired pair of pants that I’m obsessed with, but since it was Friday I decided I would save them for a more important day of the week because I didn’t have much going on that day (does anyone else get dressed like this? If not, feel free to write me off as a loony tune and stop reading right here). As an alternative, I pulled on some khakis and a light blue sweater with a tiny monogram of my initials on the front. When I looked in the mirror I decided I looked like a practical parent en route to a PTA meeting and that felt perfect. To fully lean into the preppy theme, I put on monogrammed ballet flats and a khaki trench that coordinated with the pants. Then I decided I was looking TOO preppy so I swung my elbow underneath the purse equivalent of a disco ball.

Amalie

Wake up and smell the street garbage, it’s casual Friday! Something you don’t know about me is that I’m a denim nut. I have about 25 pairs, vintage and new. Normally I would say “that’s absurd you don’t wear all those jeans, how wasteful,” but I do indeed wear every single pair. If I don’t wear a pair in over three months then I bring it back into the rotation and show it love. These FEEL jeans–which were a BIG denim purchase for me–fit unlike any other pair of pants I own, they’re a perfect straight leg with nice waist definition. I paired it with a cozy cardigan because it was a bit nippy, lol, and a pair of everyday loafers that I love.

Jasmin

I walked into a meeting the other day and Leandra said, “Are those The Row pants?” and I was like, “Er no, they’re Marks and Spencer!” They discontinued the style last year but luckily I had the foresight to buy two pairs because I absolutely love them. They’re also super high waist so it’s like being hugged all day long. These are pretty much my Friday pants, a great entry into the weekend.

Maggie

This is my “I’m going to the Guggenheim later” look. Not much else to it besides 1) comfy footwear and 2) need to look a little less American and little more German.

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Ask MR: How Do I Deal With the End of a Friendship?

When I asked my Instagram followers for their questions on the topic of friendship last week, I expected a lot of them to be about making friends as an adult—a topic I’ve been asked about many times since I wrote about my friendship complex in February 2018. But to my surprise, the majority of them revolved around the opposite: how to end friendships as an adult. Here are three:

“How do I let old friendships go?”

“My friendship with a best friend of 14 years just ended. We didn’t have the healthiest friendship in several ways—so it’s definitely for the best. But it’s been messy because our lives were so intertwined and we have so many mutual friends. Would love to hear your thoughts on a close friendship ending. It feels so much like a breakup.”

“When a friendship ends, does it alter the value it had?”

(And so many like them.)

The timing felt eery, as I’ve been grappling with the end of a friendship myself. But that also meant I wasn’t sure I was equipped to speak on any of it yet. Did it matter that I hadn’t fully metabolized the experience? Or intellectualized the shit out of it until I could explain it away with the right words? The longer I considered these points, the more obvious it became that I had to try. Because in its ideal form, Ask MR isn’t about answering questions, but exploring the hard ones together.

Let’s start where these things often do: I’d been meaning to bring this friendship issue up in therapy for months, but it always took a backseat to something “more urgent.” Like my existential angst. My love life. That thing my dad said when I was 15. (I love when therapy is as cliché as it sounds.) It wasn’t until we had an unusually slow session that I finally raised it. “Every time I think of her I get a pit in my stomach,” I said.

As I relayed the situation to my therapist, I realized how much more complicated it was than I’d been giving it credit for. And especially how much it overlapped with other important fixtures in my life—my decision to move to New York, my oldest friends, my sense of self. Still, I resisted giving it gravity: “I don’t know why it bothers me so much,” I said, my chest tightening. “We had fundamental differences even when we were close. I have so many more enriching relationships. This isn’t a big deal.” The contradiction between my words and my body language was laughable, and we both knew it.

Maybe half the work of grappling with a friendship ending is accepting that such a shift qualifies as a Big Life Event.

Friendships exist at an unusual emotional intersection in that they feel both deeply important and easy to push aside, mentally, in favor of things like love, family, and work. This incongruence can be startling when a friendship is a source of pain. Whereas we anticipate work to be stressful, and even love to be difficult, I think many of us expect friendships to be bolstering and additive, and nothing else. And only when things go wrong do we have to confront how misguided that is.

Real-time realization #1: Maybe half the work of grappling with a friendship ending is accepting that such a shift qualifies as a Big Life Event, along with the more obvious milestones, like romantic breakups, job loss, or cross-country moves. Friendship breakups may not happen all at once, or even require us to change our lives to weather them, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be just as consciousness-altering. In fact, the subtlety of them might make them even more so.

As contact with this friend of mine started to wane, the health of our friendship wasn’t always clear to me. Was our drifting organic—a natural response to changing circumstances—or evidence of a more serious problem? In hindsight it seems obvious that I should have asked, but at the time that felt alarmist, or even self-centered. So I just kept trying to be normal with her until it was clear my efforts weren’t being reciprocated. Quietly filling in the blanks through all this probably made things worse. And more pressingly, it gave my fears a lot of mental real estate, especially as they pertained to the new friendships I was trying to build in New York.

The impetus of the drift aside, this friendship had come into my life during an intense period of change in my twenties, and losing it felt like mourning a part of myself. From an outsider’s perspective, maybe it was obvious we were going in different directions, but from the inside, it felt like a kind of betrayal, the way even necessary change sometimes can.

Real-time realization #2: Since friendships are primarily driven by a mutual understanding or compatibility—unlike family, who aren’t chosen, and unlike romantic relationships, which are charged with something more primal—moving on from them often means acknowledging a deeper change within yourself, or within your friend. In essence, it’s a personality problem. You can’t move on from a friendship without moving on from a part of who you once were.

When my therapist asked me why my lost friend gave me a pit, I had to admit there was also some ego involved. I’ve always suspected this friend distanced herself from me because she felt I’d wronged her somehow. And even though I’ve considered this perspective and don’t agree with it, the misunderstanding has left me with two fears: the first being that I did in fact wrong her and am too blind to see it (or proud to admit it), and the second being, frankly, that she thinks ill of me. Both of these concern my self-conception and reputation, rather than my actual friend, and this makes me feel guilty, too. When my therapist replied with the cliché “it’s not your fault,” I was almost embarrassed at how much relief the words brought me.

For me, it’s helped to acknowledge that moving on from this friendship means accepting that I can’t control how she (or anyone) feels about me

Real-time realization #3: It helps to recognize the role your ego is playing in your feelings about the dissolution of a friendship. Parsing the difference between wanting to save a friendship, a resistance to change in general, and a sense of preserving an idea about who we are—emotions that can often resemble each other in this context—is important. For me, it’s helped to acknowledge that moving on from this friendship means accepting that I can’t control how she (or anyone) feels about me.

When I first met this friend, we were going through different but compatible transitions, and this lent our connection a kind of alchemy. So when our situations changed and our connection fizzled, I was left to question if we ever had anything in common at all. A loss of friendship can feel disarming like that; it can signal a recalibration of your past. But this brings me to the third question above: “When a friendship ends, does it alter the value it had?” Although my insecurity wants me to interpret this breakup as proof the past was somehow false—or my reading of it delusional—it’s probably more true that our connection was strong for a reason, even if that reason was ephemeral. This reminds me of the trope that friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It’s the kind of cliché you forget until you stumble upon it yourself.

Real-time realization #4: Some friendships aren’t forever, and that doesn’t make them any less important.

The notion of friendship transience can complicate things. Since friendship implies a kind of plurality, and that people come in and out of our lives at different times, I think it’s easy to forget that platonic connections involve a complex coming together of emotions, world views, and motives. We aren’t taught to manage friendships to the extent we’re taught to manage romantic or familial relationships. The implication is they’ll simply continue or be replaced. Of course, when this comes into conflict with our emotional experience, as it’s clearly wont to do, it can feel confusing. (See: My insistence that “this isn’t a big deal” with my hand pressed to my forehead.)

Real-time realization #5 isn’t so different from #1: Friendships can be just as complex and formative as romantic relationships, which is why more of us need tools for navigating complicated but important ones, and language for the occasional (but inevitable) heartbreak. (There will be a story on MR soon in which a couples therapist gets into the tactics of this!)

Friendships represent parts of ourselves, and navigating them isn’t so different from figuring out who we are.

When another long-distance friend and I were feeling our geographical divide last year, she confronted me about it. I was caught off-guard, and it led to some really difficult conversations, but it ultimately saved our friendship. I’m grateful she decided to say something, and it’s inspired me to approach some of my other relationships with a similar kind of care. It’s hard to talk about these things without feeling like kind of a sap, or maybe like I’m making something small feel too big, but if I’ve learned anything through unpacking all this, it’s that minimizing it only makes it harder.

Real-time realization #6: Friendships represent parts of ourselves, and navigating them isn’t so different from figuring out who we are. When we downplay how they make us feel, I think we miss an opportunity for a unique form of introspection. Social connections, with all the comfort, rapture, and heartache they inspire, can be external reflections of our internal worlds. In the end, who we choose to connect with and disconnect with stands to tell us a lot about what we want, how we’ve changed, and why in the world that matters.

Ask MR Identity by Madeline Montoya. 

The post Ask MR: How Do I Deal With the End of a Friendship? appeared first on Man Repeller.

Office Apropos: 4 Outfits to Copy While It’s Still Warm Enough

Question: What would you wear if your parents were coming to town tomorrow? Would it be vastly different to the outfit you’d wear to MRHQ for a Good Evening panel? How about the outfit you’d wear to spend half a day staring at a photo of Ashley Olsen on your computer screen? Curious to know how your answers would compare to those of four familiar others? Well, lucky you, because we have outfits to suit each of these incredibly specific situations and more below!

ICYMI, you can also see what everyone wore on Wednesday, Tuesday, and Monday.

Harling

I was feeling pretty good about this outfit when I put it on in the morning. Cool shirt! I thought to myself. I love these jeans! I also thought to myself. Things were looking up. Then Austin took it upon himself to tell me I resembled a Russian cossack dancer as he was blithely kissing me goodbye, seemingly unaware that he was planting a seed that would grow into the weed otherwise known as outfit doubt, because while there is nothing wrong with resembling a Russian cossack dancer, it wasn’t the vibe I was trying to cultivate. And once the connection was made I couldn’t un-see it, especially after Austin texted me this photo a few hours later. I still think the shirt is cool and I still love the jeans, but I probably won’t pair them together again.

Amalie

I woke up this morning wanting to bare a little leg, inspired by my consistently leg-baring colleagues. I’m a little more timid about it because I have villainous leg hair that likes to prickle in the slightest breeze, so I opted for a Mango skirt I got secondhand last year, knee-high Tibi boots I scored at their sample sale, and the Frankie Shop blazer I bought specifically for fashion week in February (which feels cute to me now). I felt comfortable in the outfit all day, happy about the proportions, even though today was a blur while wrapping up a piece about half of Ashley Olsen and also fielding comments on my most recent Ask MR that really made me think.

Jasmin

I told you I’m into flares and Mango does some really good ones. I probably wear these at least once a week. Today was a big one: Three meetings before 11 a.m., a lunch for a very exciting collaboration in the works for next year, a site visit to a soon-to-open photography museum, a Good Evening panel between Leandra and Emma Gannon, followed by dinner with my parents who just flew in from London. It’s safe to say my feet were in agony by midnight when the boots finally came off!

Maggie

Another (!) outfit almost entirely second hand—but now I’m just bragging. My parents are visiting me for the first time since I’ve moved to NYC today and I am just so! EXCITED! (I love visitors.) I wanted to make sure my outfit communicated “Look! Don’t worry about me! I’m doing fine on my own. I work a cool job and I’m, like, really professional now, guys. But not too, too professional.” Did I do that? They’ll probably never be convinced but A for effort, right?

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Open Thread: What’s One Thing in Your Closet You Never Wear But Just Can’t Throw Out?

Okay, okay, I’ll start.

I have this pair of blue Isabel Marant sandals from the Spring 2013 runway collection, which I pre-ordered from Moda Operandi shortly after the site had launched. I paid for them in two installments; one was a deposit, and the subsequent payment would get charged when the collection shipped six months later. Now that I think about it, I remember that whole collection pretty acutely. I got to see it from a third-row runway show seat in the 6th arrondissement of Paris that September—I couldn’t really see the shoes from my seat but remember thinking, “Elvis on holiday in Hawaii?” “Elvis on holiday in Hawaii.”

Emily Weiss was at the show too. We were staying together that season—it was maybe the second or third time I’d been to Paris after my semester abroad—at a really small hotel not far from the show venue. She was shooting backstage for Into the Gloss and told me to “brace myself,” so maybe I had this preconceived idea that I was going to love the show.

When I got back to New York like a week later, I ordered them. I was sure I wouldn’t be a good candidate for the concept of Moda Operandi—I’d known myself to be such an emotional shopper, the kind of person who had to answer YES to the question, “Do I want to wear this out of the store right now?” in order to actually pull the trigger. Having to wait six months for something to ship felt like a commitment I probably didn’t have to make. Now that I think about it, though, emotional purchases like that have so rarely produced what I consider “the bones” of my wardrobe.

But I was also still new to fashion and financial independence—so much so that I literally think I used to shop not always because I thought I needed or even genuinely wanted something but as a sort of proof that I could have it, a reminder that I was doing a damn good job building what I’d always said I wanted: to not have to get permission from anyone to do anything that cost money. Which I guess is a wordy way of saying freedom, huh.

They came six months later, and I was still pumped—pun intended. I wore the hell out of them that summer, and into the fall and even the next summer. And the one after that. I was sure I still loved them to the degree that I wanted to keep wearing them even though now that I think about it, I haven’t worn them in almost four years. In that time, I’ve executed at least 15 closet cleanups and produced tons of donation bags but have never, not once, even considered that my time with the Isabel Marant sandals could be over. I try not to be precious about anything that I own—stuff, after all, is just stuff—but now that I know I probably won’t wear them again, I’m still not sure I’ll get rid of them.

I was so proud I’d been right that I would like them as much as I did even six months after I bought them; I wanted to be more sure of my longterm decision-making skills and these were, perhaps, a fitting and figurative step toward that, but even more, they represent this one moment in time when I was a kid and I thought I knew everything because I had freedom and had reached the apex of how great my life would be because I had it.

How wrong I was! How many tosses and turns and tumbles and tears waited for me—stood between then and now. If they do nothing else, these shoes remind me that even after getting exactly what you want, even if it’s not taken away and you get to keep having it, your life never stays the same. That what goes up must come down but even more that if you care enough, if you try hard enough, if you can cling to hope and promise to believe and be who you are and to do it with resilience, you get to build something else back up that is just…

So

Much

Better.

Soooooooo… what’s a thing in your closet that you never wear but just can’t throw out? Look it in the face, try it on, upload a photo to the party nation comments station and tell me a story. I’m listening.

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