Leandra Medine's Blog, page 635

It’s Time to Stop, Drop and Shop

You probably thought the title of this post was a reference to Leandra’s various Instagram workouts (we all know she’s just in it for the smoothie), but actually, it’s a TBT to this gem:

Now allow that to be our soundtrack as we take out our credit cards and make the relationship official (Susan Miller said this might happen!) with all of those items we’ve been casually dating in our various shopping carts across the web.

And yes, I mean we. We’re Ruff Ryders — if I go down, you’re going with me.

Whilst shopping, it’s important to get your biggest purchase out of the way first so that everything after feels cheap by comparison. For me, it’s going to be this cream colored Victoria Beckham sweater. Yes, I own similar iterations, but before you judge, answer me this: how many bras and pairs of underwear do you own?!

No stones in this glass house. Carry on.

I have wanted these suede, tri-color Gianvito Rossi mules for a while and though they still aren’t “cheap,” they’re on sale.

To satisfy a similar itch in a more comfortable heel at a way lower price ($45!) I’ll get these tangerine slides, too.

This canvas fringe Tory Burch skirt will be my daily answer to “what do I wear?” once summer arrives, because it can be worn in about 800 different ways, including with a white button down short sleeved shirt. BUT.

I already have enough of those. So let’s get this thick blue paneled version from Trademark, even though we won’t wear it with the above-mentioned skirt.

This top from Tibi is easy. This Ryan Roche for J.Crew fringe sweater vest is not, however, I saw it in person and on humans at a J.Crew/CFDA event earlier in the week and it was so cool that I’m just going to get it (on pre-order) and figure out how to wear it later.

Finally I’ve been looking for a clutch that can fit my life inside it — aka my iPad. I have not been looking for a headband that doubles as rabbit ears, but when I saw THIS while looking for the aforementioned clutch I was like, Amelia, what have you been doing with yourself your whole life?

[image error]
Turn on your JavaScript to view content

I don’t know guys. I just don’t know.

Show Me Your Dubsmash. Please?

A quick note on Dubsmash for the uninitiated: it is an app that allows you to dub a voice over your own (these run a healthy gamut from those of talented musicians to hilarious comedians to Antoine Dodson) while you speak (or sing) (croon) (croak) into a selfie camera perfectly squared for Instagram dissemination.

Ultimately, what you earn is proof that 1) you were made for Broadway, 2) service is great, and apps are great for that, but it is the little, futile things that make life on the web feel more livable an,  3) traditional conversations spoken monotonously could soon be extinct. Furthermore, too, hyperliteralization will cease to exist in the name of inference as evidenced by the series of examples below:

What you see: Amelia quoting Zoolander.

What is actually happening: Amelia finally confessing that she can’t turn left.

What you see: Leandra using the famous colloquialism of Bart Simpson to suggest surprise.

What is actually happening: Leandra trying to figure out a way to explain that she already knows Amelia is a dumb ass.

What you see: Amelia trying to win an Oscar by quoting Hook.

What is actually happening: Amelia is very drunk.

What you see: Leandra yelling, confused.

What is actually happening: Amelia is fired.

See! Isn’t this great! Isn’t this fun? Who needs original words when some of the greatest phrases and anthems have already been executed for us? It’s never a compelling story if you don’t get involved, though, and because compressing these files into YouTube clips to share in the comments below might seem like kind of a cumbersome task, I will instead just ask that you get engaged via Instagram, which Dubsmash makes real easy, using the hashtag #mansmash. Because why not, right? Best ones win a YouTube compilation care of us!

Image via Bridesmaids. For other MR-obsessed apps, check out Duolingo if you want to learn a new language, Shipster if you’re lazy, Riffsy for GIFS, and Instacart for groceries. Speaking of apps, what are your thoughts on this one that facilitates marital affairs? 

An Apology to the Cropped-Out Friend

Had Instagram existed during the French Revolution, Marie Antoinette would have been decapitated years before the monarchy was abolished. With her exceptional tower of powdered hair, the Dauphine of France simply never would have fit in the frame.

I’m afraid that today’s guillotine is far bloodier.

Consider the summer group picture: “Come along,” someone cries, “Gather round!” The moment an iPhone is held in a sedentary manner, women and men flock to the herd. The bold ones will stand tall and wide, commanding their space in the frame. A few will pose and perch on the sides — these are either women who know their angles, or guys who don’t care. At least two people will take a bend for the team and squat like camp counselors up front.

It’s at this point that the fools rush in — they were in the bathroom or by the bar, but FOMO got the better of them; they couldn’t not be in the picture so they accept the back. On pointed toes they’ll stand while calves quake and chins wiggle to find and hold that open window of visibility through the shoulders of their “friends.”

Then the picture is snapped, the phone is handed off, the photo is mass-texted, and friendships (note previous quotation marks) are tested: who will make the cut?

The people posting have the right of way, of course. It’s all about them, their tan and their abs. But for the most part we can agree that when a group pic is assembled, the intent is to make known your squad — to have a crew so cool that a stranger comments, “#goals.”

Those spared are rarely done so for the sake of squad loyalty. It’s not not a picture without Kyle, but he’s needed for the guy-to-girl ratio. No one wanted Kim’s cousin to join, but she jumped in the middle and got saved by default. The picture will appear harmonious, yes, but just because Fran wasn’t voted off the island doesn’t mean she was technically ever voted on.

Likewise, sometimes a best friend’s gotta get cropped. She should know better than to leave the group. This is why we move in packs; go to the bathroom together; siege the bar: it significantly lowers one’s likelihood of getting stuck in the back right corner of a group pic.

But you understand, right? You get it. I didn’t make the square rule, Instagram did. All I took part in was the filtering and centering. And the cropping.

Look, I’m sorry. Off with her head!

Uh…Is Instagram Turning Me Into a Sociopath? Maybe. But suck it up: June means it’s officially Stranger Will You Take Our Picture? Season. It’s also a good time to work on your perfect (secret) Instagram account, or get bossed around by your Apple Watch.

The Royal Kardashians Are Having Another Baby

For a people who risked it all for freedom and democratic consensus and burgers, Americans really love royalty.

We’ve crowned multiple Queens of Pop: Madonna. Lady Gaga. Britney. Beyoncé. A while ago, we had a king. We have Princesses of Long Island and Shahs of Sunset. We have the Clintons and the Bushes — dynasties in every way as royal as the Habsburgs and the Romanovs. And while England introduced the world to Prince William and Kate Middleton, we gave the cosmos something better.

We invented Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. For them, we have tuned in for so much more than presidential fireside chats.

We’ve followed them — on Instagram and Twitter and to newsstands and new tabs. True subjects, we exalted and cursed them in the same breath. As sovereigns, they derive whatever power they have from us. The media circus that surrounds them is proof: This is no coup d’etat. We anointed them.

Even as we protest, we read and click and watch and shop: the wedding that announced them, a television show, magazine covers, mobile apps, musical compilations, clothing kollections. We ended an era of mom names to christen our daughters after cardinal directions. North West — a trendsetter before her third birthday.

Lacking a longer historical record, Americans celebrate the shiny newness of celebrity and of the Kardashian-West Klan in particular. We obsess over plastic, preferring it to porcelain and marble and an art that lasts. Storied consumers that we are, we have made room for Khloé and Kourtney and Kendall and Kylie and, now, Caitlyn. Given that Kim revealed this week that she is pregnant, we will expand our hearts and minds and the castles that 140 characters built to accommodate yet another addition to our favored royal family.

But why? What about the Kardashians and Kanye continues to appeal? Why have we allowed them to represent us on the global stage? Is it because Kim has such nice hair? Is it because Kanye told us he was an “American Boy”? Are American celebrities a poor (well, rich…) substitute for international royals? Will this latest unborn Kardashian-West be the Californian Prince Harry for which we have waited? Is red hair a recessive gene?

For the sake of this next generation on whom our eyes are already fixed, and because Kim looked great at the CFDAs: Long live the monarchy. Watch the throne.

To the future baby Kardashian-West, it’s not so bad to come in second. Just ask Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. For related articles, check out Caitlyn Jenner’s introduction to the world, a Round Table on Kim Kardashian (and why we can’t stop talking about her), a TBT Kanye West post, and our Kanye West Workout Plan. Want something completely unrelated? Look at all these pretty closets. 

I Love-Hate My Apple Watch

I didn’t want to indulge my Apple Watch by writing a post about it, which is why this review arrives three weeks after its initial debut. That’s practically eons in Internet time, so if your fatigued eyes would prefer to be elsewhere — perhaps inside a Los Angeles refrigerator,  contemplating a jumprope worn as a choker, or reading a book — I won’t judge you.

My Apple Watch, however, might. Lord knows it judges me.

“Time to Stand!” It says. “You’ve been sitting on your ass for eleven out of twelve hours today.” As if I wasn’t aware. 58% of my left buttock is numb, and you could eat a five course sushi dinner over the slump that is my spine.

I stand up. More so because the pop-up notification is irritating, less because my left buttock is all tingly.

Never before have I been so bossed around by technology. I programmed it, though, so I suppose that I’m to blame. I was too ambitious, drunk off superfluous consumerism, when I clocked in my active calorie burn goal at 710 per day. In hindsight, bad idea. But what’s technology good for if not to aid us in the prospect of achieving our most unrealistic goals?

Every evening, my Apple Watch reminds me that I am only a whopping 13% of the way there.

Pro: it doesn’t yell or throw vibrating tantrums. Rather, it emits passive aggressive nudges to signal an incoming CNN alert, a weather advisory or a calendar reminder. It keeps me informed. Prepared. Punctual. But I find myself looking at my watch without realizing what prompted me to do so, because I do not own the watch; the watch owns me.

Upcoming events are displayed on the home screen, like subtle but looming reminders of things I have to do. (If only I’d stand up.) My Apple Watch notifies me of activity on my social media channels, but prevents me from opening any of the apps — almost as if to say, “First, finish your homework.” Yes, mom.

It’s an exhilarating thing, feeling like Inspector Gadget, taking a call on your hand, parking your wrist by your ear like a double agent spy with the middle name Danger. I love talking to my Apple Watch, but I also hate that I love talking to my Apple Watch. I hate how much I love my Apply Watch. Because, damn, how’d they do it again?

I’d answer that but I can’t: it’s time for me to “move around for a minute!”

Thanks mom, I almost forgot.

Punctuality is important, tardiness is bad for your mental health and wrist accessories maketh the outfit. For watches that don’t make you look like Inspector Gadget, click here. And for more love-hate conflicts, click here. 

What’s in Your Fridge: Sami Miro

We recently peeked inside the icebox of celebrity stylist Elizabeth Stewart. She had baked goods from Julia Roberts in her freezer and ample rosé in the cooler. In this week’s edition of What’s in Your Fridge, we meet Sami Miro. She’s a marketing executive-turned-model, a vintage aficionado (check her site here), and she loves kombucha and kimchi. She’s also been known to steal turkey from her boyfriend, Zac Efron.

My fridge is probably in the middle to lower-end on the fullness scale. These are my staples — except for the pears.

I’m really into probiotics, hence the Kombucha. It’s delicious to drink and is a phenomenal chaser, which you would never expect. I stole the chia one from Zac’s house. Chia helps with digestion!

I’m obsessed with kraut. I think my favorite is kimchi. I started getting into it because I was always shopping at Erewhon. It’s a boutique market that’s like a community. When you go there you, you become friends with the other customers because all of you are “those Erewhon people.” One time, I saw this ridiculously in-shape customer eating sauerkraut right out of the bag, and I was like, Let me get out of line and go get that, because if he is doing it, I need to be doing it too! Ever since then, I have eaten it with almost every meal.

I could eat good quality sushi everyday. LA has phenomenal sushi. Sugar Fish is amazing bang for your buck. Then the next level up, in quality and price point, is Sushi Park. You gotta get the omakase and sit at the bar and get fed. Have you seen Jiro Dreams of Sushi? You know how he says rice is 90%? I never realized that until I went to Sushi Park. The best sushi and meal in general I have ever had is at this place called Urasawa. It’s out of control.

Almost every morning, I love a good over-medium or over-easy egg. This is my go to breakfast: a little of baby kale topped with…oh my god, one of my number one ingredients isn’t in here, avocado. So baby kale, sauerkraut, kimchee, avocado cubed up, and then eggs. It’s so good.

I love whatever green thing is in season. My favorite are leafy greens, and my favorite vegetable in the whole world is rapini, because it’s super bitter, leafy and dark. Whenever asparagus is in season, I have that. I just throw it in coconut oil and top it with salt and pepper.

I am a big taco person. If I feel like getting fancy and not making a salad, I will make tacos. These tortillas are always here — always corn, never flour.

The turkey I stole from Zac’s house. It is an easy snack to have.

I’ve started to do a lot more cooking. We recently went on this crazy culinary excursion — Copenhagen, Sweden, Amsterdam and Chicago — and every single day we had at least one meal, if not two, that were twenty-five courses. This was for two weeks. When I got back I never wanted to to eat out again! Unless it’s sushi. Ever since then, I have been eating really clean because I was gorging every single day.

My dad is a big cook. He would cook every single meal, breakfast, lunch and dinner, but he is so anal in the kitchen that he wouldn’t let us do anything. You would think you would want to give your kids a cooking lesson, but no. I have been a Food Network fanatic since middle school, when it wasn’t even on cable television. We would watch Iron Chef Japan together. And every morning, when I was really young, we would watch Jacques Pépin and Julia Child.

Follow Sami Miró on Instagram, and check out her website, Sami Miro Vintage, here. 

Images by Lauren Levinger of The Food Life. For past written episodes of What’s in Your Fridge, check out celebrity stylist Elizabeth Stewart’s, PAPER’s editorial director Mickey Boardman, One Management founder Scott Lipps’, and DJ Mia Moretti’s. If you’re too full to read about food, what about clicking through pictures of this denim connoisseur’s closet?

Death of the E-Book?

You’ve heard of @hotdudesreading by now, right? In case you’re not one of the Instagram account’s 572k followers, it is exactly what the name suggests: a celebration of attractive men reading books on the New York subway. However, it wasn’t so much the men that caught my eye, (I mean, it was), but more so the accompanied hashtag in the description: #NoKindles. One small hashtag for man, one giant leap for a legion of book lovers everywhere.

It validated my belief that the book is back. Actual, physical, real-life books. With pages you can turn and inky words that will run when you cry over devastating character deaths and plot twists. Does this mean the e-Book had its day?

Following an in-depth investigation (or rather, a 60-second Google-search) I discovered that Kindle, Nook, and Kobo sales are in fact on the decline. Amazon first launched the Kindle in 2007 and it is now in its seventh generation. According to Forbes, sales of the tablet peaked at 13.44m, and have dropped ever since.

My peers and I agree that “real books” are better than their digital counterparts. They’re not always the most convenient — they take up storage, weigh luggage down while traveling — but the experience of reading a book in hand is unparalleled. It’s more personal. I’ve consumed multiple books via Kindle and found the experience somewhat soulless. I liken it to watching an Oscar-winning 3D movie on your 13-inch laptop without the special effects glasses.

However, my mother and her peers swear by the portable device and laud it for its convenience. Could this be a reverse-generational thing?

If it is, why are we millennials so intent on the book-and-mortar comeback? Is the romance of reading making itself known again? Is this the paper version of mason jars? Digital will never be dead (nor should it be), but could tradition simply  trump modern technology when it comes to reading?

The drop in tablet sales could very simply be explained by the idea that O.G. consumers now own Kindles, therefore they don’t need more. Books, on the other hand, turn regular people into lifelong collectors.

Still, I wonder what’s next. Handwritten letters?

Image Shot by Brydie Mack. Do you have literary swag? If you want to check out more manstagrams, you can always scroll through ours — but there’s also this one featuring hot dads at Disney World. 

What to Wear Today Because — Surprise! — It’s Not Summer Yet

If you, like me, spent the greater portion of your Saturday on a ladder putting sweaters in a corner of your closet that is too high to reach without the aforementioned ladder because you knew, you finally knew, that the season of knitwear had come, gone and finally left you to the devices of what it means to walk outdoors into the public sauna that is your city, you must be as frustrated as I am that here we are today, shaking in our open toe slides, nipples pointy but not quite perky because, uh, we’re not even going to hit 60.

I know I talk about the weather a lot and for the most part, I’m sorry about it, but I also know that these conversations aren’t really about the weather, you know? They’re about what we’ll use to cloak our bodies. Weather just happens to be the lone rule we are forced to abide by and where I really believed I might be able to wear like a… like a… camisole dress or something today, lo and behold: here we are, nipples pointy but not quite perky. So what do you wear, right? Especially provided all the sweaters are literally no longer reachable.

How about a lesson in layering?

Or a crash course in metamorphosis as underscored by an old installment of Man Getter to Repeller: a journey called pruning.

No?

Okay. Here’s a reasonable suggestion, call it a fashion recipe if you’d like.

A pair of 501s, which I’m guessing at this point you all but have to own (no?). Brownie points allotted to those who perfect the cowboy crotch so spectacularly it sends all camel humps into flat-back territory. Brownies allotted to those who don’t, because in eating them, you’ll probably have an easier time executing a cowboy crotch.

Now tuck a long-sleeve striped t-shirt into the 501s. Do you feel like Amelia? I don’t blame you.

Do you have a safari jacket? How about a beige blazer? A trench coat? Any of these will do!

Recently, I came into a pair of pale blue suede slippers which are arguably the world’s worst idea for a rainy day OR ARE THEY? In getting dressed we must always remember that the weather might want to make the rules, but ultimately, we’re congress.

Was this helpful? Not at all? Can you upload a selfie into the comment box below?

Still unsure as to how to dress for in-between weather? Consider some creative ‘limbo weather’ styling ideas here and here.  Oh, and you may need a summer trench!  

Career Advice from Mickey Drexler in Four Bullet Points

Mickey Drexler knows how to give his customer what they want. At J.Crew that might mean a skinny tie or wide lapel. But at the CFDA awards, where last night he was bequeathed the Founder’s Award in honor of Eleanor Lambert as presented by the The New Yorker’s David Remnick, he understood that in a sea of acceptance speeches that would precede and follow him, what would invariably stick was a quick set of business tips applicable to the vast range of budding entrepreneurs, well-established CEOs and hungry assistants present at the ceremony last night. Here’s what he shared:

1. Work hard at whatever you do — even if it’s folding towels (which, incidentally, before the stints that would ultimately crown him king of retail, he did quite well). I’d guess that this boils down to prove that good work ethic is, point blank, good work ethic. What you’re doing is just the smoke and mirrors that possibly makes getting up every morning a little easier or more difficult depending on where you stand.

2. Success doesn’t have that much to do with grades. If you’re hiring: don’t become too eagerly focused on the applicant’s education and their GPA. As Drexler put it, there is an emotional IQ test, a fire-pit-in-belly ring through which talent should be placed. Unless, of course, said talent is going to be your surgeon. You probably do not want to know that the physician cutting you open failed geometry. Right?

3. Question the authorities and titles. Which doesn’t mean defy them but it does mean looking at the existing systems in place, appraising them, trying to understand how they could be better and what you can do to make them better. Just because an authority is saying, or doing something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the right or best thing. Believe in your own instinct and be loud about it.

4. Don’t let others be the judge of who you are. Boom.

And with that, I challenge you and your instinct to eclipse J.Crew.

Go on. Or just tell us: what’s the best career advice you’ve ever received?

Image via Fast Company. Click here for 10 takeaways from J.Crew’s Fall 15 presentation. Want more advice? Here are the 5 things every woman should own according to Inès de la Fressange, and here are the 5 things every woman should own according to Lèandra de la Medine. 

June Horoscopes: Forecasting Your Summer of Love

Just call me and Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller your twin Patti Stangers of the stars! (Although truly, you can call us anything you want so long as it’s not late for dinner.) Let’s do the damn thing:

Gemini 

Happy Birthday, Gemini! While you are busy preparing exactly how to word your Facebook status in order to properly thank the Academy for wishing you a joyous womb-exit, Mercury is busy preparing how to fuck shit up for 9 more days; Mercury loves to milk that retrograde. Because the planet has invited itself to your birthday whether you invited it or not, guard yourself against any technological catastrophes by keeping your cellphone in your purse for the duration of the celebration.

As for an actual birthday present, you will be glad to know that tomorrow, June 2 — with the full moon in all its butt flashing, white light glory — an important relationship will be made official. Whether you DTR (no more, “That Guy I’m Hooking Up With”) or actually get engaged (“I said yes!”) avoid signing anything until the 12th. Single as a dingle? Ask your boss to hang out. Maybe she’ll make you partner out of sheer boredom!

Cancer

I had a Saturn in college (an SUV, not the planet) and it was great for a while but then after four years it decided to stop being a car and start being a road block. Similarly, Solar System Saturn is going to cause a major although hopefully not financial inconvenience as well. According to $uz, it will move back into your “romantic sector” from June 14 to September 17 which may “cause a temporary separation between you and your love, at no fault of your own.”

But Kiki Dee, it doesn’t mean a breakup! It just means your dance partner in the horizontal tango may have to work in another city, or maybe you’re moving downtown while he stays uptown. If you’re meant to be, you guys will find a way. If you’re not, I’ll teach you how to use the subway. Turns out public transportation is way easier than trying to parallel park a planet, and if you’re a romantic, it’s ripe with opportunities to meet the love of your love.

Leo

Do you want to fall in love? Do you want to get pregnant? Do you want to host a baby on your home-grown all-you-can-eat buffet? Do you want me to stop asking questions? If you answered yes to any of the above prying queries, then get ready, Lion Kingdom: as per usual, everything the light touches is yours. (Note: to all Leos not ready to be an Easy Bake Oven, let’s just say your life in general will be fertile.)

If you are single, attend events. You’ve got Gemini and Jupiter acting as a fantastic tag-team. And if you can wait until the last weekend of June, here’s a cool sentence from Suz: “Venus in Leo will be flirt with Uranus, setting up a gorgeous weekend for travel and romance.” So get out there and do flirts; love is just around the river bend.

Virgo

Ok Don Draper, you are a career-focused machine on the rise this month, so it’s less about the love for you. No, I technically did not watch Man Men, but I am online enough to gather that he was great at his job and he looked good in suits. I’ve heard through the gossip girls that he also once killed a stripper, so I’m not calling you Don Draper in that way. It’s more about the whole rise to fame and success kind-o-thing. You’ll kill an important presentation, not a human.

Anyway! You do have Mars in your social sector from June 24 to August 8 per our sassy secretary of the stars, which means that you’re in store for the kind of nights where you go out in sneakers, don’t give a fuck about guys, and have yourself a variety of TOYLs. That’s Time of Your Life(s) for those of you who break down acronyms like a gluten-intolerant baby does a bagel.

Libra 

Did you know that Uranus is the natural ruler of your solar fifth house of love? Well it is, and on Tuesday, June 9, Mars is poking it on Facebook at just the right angle until a lovely romantic episode appears out of nowhere — *~poof~* — like a happy cloud.

On June 10, a romantic partner may surprise you as well. Or a business partner, so get after that career, working girl. LinkUp with a Virgo; sounds like you two are heading toward CEO-city. With Jupiter in Leo getting glittered on by Uranus on June 22, if you are single, you might meet someone who is single, too. And they’ll be interesting. You know, the kind of interesting where you text your friend, “I met someone totally weird but kind of cool and if they don’t make a hair doll of me then this might be love.”

If you are attached, he or she will remind you why, at one point in the relationship, you would have super-glued your noses together if it weren’t for allergies.

Scorpio 

So fine, maybe I didn’t choose the best month for a love-themed Repell-o-scope. Especially not for the Scorpios where Susan literally waited until the very end of your sign to say this: “When will romance fit into this month? The answer is during the last third, when the Sun and Mars roll into your highly compatible sign of Cancer. You will be too busy this month gathering up every possible career goodie you can find. Let your social life rest a little. There’s plenty of time in July to enjoy life.”

I know you’re thinking, Great. July is in one month which means 29 days left of walking in a single’s wonderland. But Scorpios! Don’t let this bum you out! A) There’s always celeboyfriends, B) single doesn’t mean you’re not smooching a stranger and C) there’s more to life than love-labels. You know, like the fact that money is about to rain down as though Toto blessed it.

Sagittarius

If you’re reading this on June 2 then it’s too late or just right depending on your idea of a good time. Uranus, the planet of surprise, is positioned well to the new moon today which means you’re about to get hit with something lovely yet unexpected. It may be moon toots, it may be love. (On June 27 & 28 — a super romantic weekend for you — it’s definitely love.)

It may also — especially after the above weekend — be a baby! Jupiter and Uranus assume babies are always good news and could bring a pregnancy “whether you are ready or not,” according to Suz. This is funny for two reasons: 1) science has always taught us that you can’t get pregnant from Uranus and 2) when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.

Dear Grandma, I’m so sorry if you are reading.

Capricorn 

Alright. I did the whole “command-F-love-romance” thing on your Astrology Zone ‘scope and found little mention of either word, but that’s okay because I read between the lines like Double Stuffed Oreos.

Consider the following:

Suzan said this: “With the same emphasis on your sixth house at the new moon June 16, the Sun, Mars, and Mercury will stir your office life and make it very busy, so this would not be the right time to take a vacation.”

I read “stir your office life” as “your summer hook up may be right under your nose so long as he/she isn’t an intern unless you’re both interns in which case, have fun, be safe, don’t text nudes.”

I read “not the right time to take a vacation” as “use a ‘sick day’ instead.”

If it isn’t love, it might be hangover — residual proof that you may be getting too old for Fireball shots, but that no one is too old for a post-spring fling.

Aquarius 

Guys, Susan is calling you out: “So many times when I go on Twitter, readers ask, ‘When will love be coming for me, an Aquarius?'” (Someone from Team Taurus may or may not have direct-messaged her about this as well, so ain’t no shame in our game.)

But she’s also listening. “Over the past ten months, the planets have been favoring those members of your sign who are attached.” (This is Jupiter’s doing.) However, “the cosmos is planning a wonderful celebration to wish good fortune Jupiter well as he packs his bags to move on to another sign. You will benefit in an outstanding way from the party the planets have planned for Jupiter in August.”

A party, eh? First of all, invite Capricorn. Second of all, planets, throw the party at my apartment because Susan said Taurii may find love at a home-grown rager. In those words. If you want to host your own fête, Mars is in your house of true love on June 5. BUT. Don’t run to Vegas until after June 11 should you meet your penguin mid-shindig. The Retrograde, remember?

Pisces 

No one really considers June part of the summer, right? We mope around and complain about how our winter bodies are still insulating us (which is a good thing because currently, winter weather is still freezing us despite IT BEING JUNE). So, take the next few weeks to do a few jumping jacks (or not — you’re perfect the way you are, but exercise has been shown to make you smile or some shit!) and prepare yourself emotionally for the month’s end, because, it will be your time to celebrate like disco never died.

If you are attached, you may get married. Sorry for spoiling the surprise.

If you’re single, Mars into Cancer from June 24 to August 8 will open the doors to a club called The Universe where you, my friend, could find love of your life. You know how they say, “Plenty of hot fish in the cool sea?” Guess what, Pisces. That means you.

Aries

Your sign is getting the old beam-from-Uranus — “a jewel of 2015,” per Susan. “Jupiter will bring on great possibilities for you to suddenly find love or if you are attached, to surprise your partner with an enchanting night filled with surprise and luxury.” (Best dates for this prediction: June 20 & 21.)

Now, I know she says this kind of thing a lot, but while this kind of thing will happen again in December 2019, Uranus will no longer be in Aries (I acknowledge that the sentence would have been funnier if the planets were swapped, but I can’t rewrite the universe, you know). Likewise, Jupiter will no longer be in Leo — your house of true love. You know what that means? The planetary magic moment that will occur on that second-to-last weekend in June will only happen once in a lifetime. Grab the bull by the balls and tell Summer you love her. If Seth can do it, so Cohen you.

Taurus

Typically one doesn’t want to hear the words “bubble up,” “Uranus” and “vacation” in the same sentence — however, all bets are off when Susan Miller’s involved, because she used these three words to deliver great news involving our love life. Allow me to paraphrase and avoid any further mental images of Montezuma’s Revenge: Venus and the Butt Stuff Planet will have great chemistry on the last weekend in June. It’s best-activated if you get out of town or, if your parents are away and you live in the 1980s, throw a party. The cops may shut it down, but who cares about hand cuffs when you’re falling in love? Besides Christian Grey.

Olé! Now let’s call it a day.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

In case you’re feeling a little lost in the Cosmos and wish to catch up on last month’s Repell-O-Scopes, click here.  On the topic of summer love, perhaps you, too, feel as if none of your boyfriends know you’re dating.  And in the lucky circumstance in which they do know you’re, well, together let us give you some date night outfit ideas .