Leandra Medine's Blog, page 626

Ask a Guy: “I Think He Likes Me Too, But…”

Hi Isaac,

I met this guy, John, a few years back. We hooked up. It happened again this Christmas, only this time we actually held contact. After about a week of chatting, I asked if we should hang out. He said he wasn’t ready to start dating anyone serious because he wasn’t recovered from a recent breakup. 

Still, we continue to chat. When I see him at parties he’s happy to see me, hugs me for longer than normal, and brings up inside jokes. Any time another guy starts to flirt with me he gets really annoyed and ignores me.

I really like him, and I think he likes me too,  but I’m afraid to ask to hang out again because of his last response…

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Dazed and Confused

Hey D&C,

I feel your pain — your mate John is sending you some semi-confusing messages. But if we look at the situation objectively, the clearest message he’s sending you is that he’s not trying to hang out with you one-on-one, whatever his reasoning might be. If he wanted to hang out with you, he’d ask you out. If he wanted to try to be in a relationship with you, he would do whatever it took to make that happen. If he wanted to sleep with you, he’d try to take you home after these parties. But he’s not doing any of those things.

As for the long hugs and the inside jokes and how he gets annoyed when you flirt with other guys, you have to take that stuff with a grain of salt. Sex creates a bond between two people, regardless of whether or not they’re in love. He obviously feels a fondness for you. And he definitely feels a sense of his territory being threatened when other dogs come sniffing around.

But still, he’s not doing any of the things a guy will do when he’s trying to be in a relationship with a girl.

To be honest, he doesn’t sound like a bad dude. He’s not pushing you for casual, no-strings-attached sex, and he’s been pretty up-front with his intentions from the start. You need to do him the same courtesy. If it’s driving you crazy every time you see him, then for your own peace of mind, you’ve either gotta tell him you have romantic feelings for him, or you need to stop hanging out with him until you feel better about the situation. Honesty is the best policy, no matter what. Don’t keep sitting around hoping for things to change, because you’ll just end up cutting yourself off from other potentially amazing romantic opportunities.

Have your own question? Post your questions below or email write@manrepeller.com with ASK ISAAC in the subject line. Follow him on Instagram here, Twitter here, and check out his website here.

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Can You Learn to Cook in 3 Days?

I wouldn’t say that I grew up in the kitchen so much as I grew up being fed the proper amount of meals per day. My mother is “one of those” who made her own baby food. When she grew up and had me, she made mine. Boom! Here all night, folks.

My father, on the other hand, set me off to school with plastic baggies of sliced pepperoni, dill pickles and Oreos.

As a fake adult it seems I’ve fallen somewhere in the middle: not a total frat boy (at the very least I don’t “forget” when I have a midnight pizza in the oven), but Gordon Ramsay won’t be calling me anytime soon and I’m not trying to work the word “reduction” into my vocabulary. Or “grocery shopping,” for that matter.

Which is where Blue Apron came in.

Blue Apron is, for the unfamiliar, a DIY meal service delivery. It’s a true godsend if you’re so busy that sometimes you forget to shower, find cooking intimidating and cry in supermarkets because you have no clue how to decipher a good chicken breast.

You sign up for the amount of meals you want, and they deliver the goods — fresh and neatly packaged, along with instructions that are very, very hard to mess up.

Like, you have to try to mess up — which, on day 1, I succeeded in!

…I didn’t know that fresh fish didn’t have to be frozen. I also didn’t know that you have to then defrost the fish all day once you’ve more or less turned it into an iceberg. But you live and you learn and you call your mom and add a lot of butter. Let’s move on to day 2.

Steak. Steak is advanced, man, or at least I thought, so I called my friend Sage because his name sounded the most like it would appear before an ampersand in a co-authored cooking blog.

My original plan was to sit on a stool and drink wine while reading directions aloud. Curiosity got the best of me, however, and I soon found myself flipping and whisking and saying things like, “Let’s brown this a bit more,” “mashing potatoes is a great arm workout!” and, through mouthfuls of steak: “This is good/that was easy.”

Day 3 was my final test. Chicken meatballs with a Hoisin glaze. As I swiftly navigated my way around the kitchen, I noticed a few things: 1) my anxiety regarding the process of cooking was gone. I was…relaxed? 2) My phone was playing music as opposed to FaceTiming my dad to ask whether or not he thought “this color meat could kill me,” and 3) I was kind of into it. I was cooking! I considered Snapchatting it to brag but was distracted by the mild fire I’d set — although no worries! Just another day in the life of a chef.

A week later Leandra and I cooked three separate Blue Apron meals for The MR team. We served a hodgepodge of gnocchi, tofu with ginger rice, and Brie grilled cheese with a slick of homemade strawberry jam. At the end, the plates were empty, the bellies were full, and I was politely declining a call from Le Cordon Bleu.

They heard a rumor through the grapevine that my fish skills had since greatly improved.

In partnership with Blue Apron.

Sorry you didn’t have a chance to try my now world famous trout, but the good news is you can make your own. 100 readers will get two free meals on their first Blue Apron order — just click here — and then post your results in the comments. I want to see your plating skills.

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WATCH: The Chatroom Featuring Rosie Assoulin

How many times have you had a brilliant idea? A really loud and hard to ignore one, like your brain was a pot and inside of it lay rainbow. And you got so excited about it that your heart raced as you thumbed notes to yourself in your phone. “I can do this,” you probably said.

“But…”

…I’m too busy.

…I’m not good enough.

…I can’t.

We all do it — it’s just that the difference between a doer and a thinker is a doer never talks herself out of her dreams. But what if you finally ran out of excuses? What if you pulled out your now-dusty notebook, flipped through the pages replete with your wishful thoughts, your flights of fancy, and you stared them right in the eye and took them seriously?

In this edition of The Chatroom, Leandra speaks to Rosie Assoulin, winner of the 2015 CFDA Swarovski Award for Womenswear, about the moment she realized though she might be able to shake the girl out of the dream, she couldn’t shake the dream out of the girl. Or the silk faille tops!

You’re guaranteed to fall in love with the designer, but where you may find yourself surprised is at how inspired you feel after watching.

Now go on — chase.

Shop Rosie’s designs now on Moda Operandi.

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ICYMI: Channing Tatum, Thirsty Tuesdays, Crop Tops & More

What do you do when your Americana apparel is back at the bottom of your costume closet and all that’s left on this post-Fourth of July Tuesday is a cluster of god forsaken mosquito bites? First, you half-moon the shit out of those buggers to transform the itch into ouch and then book it to the nearest coffee house to slam this piece on the Red, White, and Blues.

That’ll be ten tears in the drama jar!

Or, kill the little voice in your head that keeps asking if it’s tomorrow yet by putting things into perspective with this Ricky Martin “She Bangs” video in which Channing Tatum is an extra. 10 million cheers to the first person who can spot him.

Now that you’re looking on the bright side, here’s another do-gooder: traffic won’t be as bad during your weekend getaway drive — at least until Labor Day. While we’re on the subject of weekend getaways, why not use Instagram to help you pack? If Instagram isn’t cutting it, here’s some style inspiration courtesy of the surf-inspired Saint Laurent Men’s show.

Still feeling unsure? Tough crowd, but I’m relentless, and will now present you with Jayne Min’s closet followed by Gloria Steinem–core. If you have a dude, don’t forget to pack for him, too, because he probably needs help getting dressed. Before we ditch the topic of weekend travels, here’s a thought: if San Francisco is your destination, or you are Scott McKenzie, wear flowers in your hair (but for the love of fog, try not to look like an asshole).

Personally, hair beading is my summer ‘do of choice because it reminds me of camp in all its no sleep, spirit day, waterskiing glory.

Clearly, I peaked learned a lot at camp, and the top two lessons were these: 1) don’t overdo it on chicken wing night, and 2) stay hydrated. So what’s this “drinking water while eating slows down your digestion” business all about? Consult the comments, or, ask this e-book full of Kayne quotes what he would do. If you thought that was funny, wait until you see Amy Schumer’s Real Housewives audition tape.

And just when you thought you’d seen it all, the unthinkable happened: stylist Shiona Turni turned Leandra into a Man Getter. Now go be Type A-Minus and say namaste on task (right after you do this yoga toe-weave move to recalibrate).

Now what do you guys wanna talk about?

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In Defense of Slow Fashion

I threw away my favorite t-shirt last week. It was a frustrating experience, chiefly because the tee is vaguely irreplacable. I bought it from Zara last summer at the lucrative if not questionable price of $9.90. We had a good run — I must have worn it upward of 50 times — but just a year later, it was destroyed. Stained in places I had never gotten it dirty. Ripped along seams that were barely tugged at. Not worthy of resell, or donation, or even use as a dish cloth. I cringed as I threw it into the garbage. Would it contribute to the waste permeating our planet?

It got me thinking about fashion — both fast and slow, and how the former is beginning to feel a lot like fresh produce.

Which is a terrible thing, you know, because fashion is not supposed to feel like produce.

You are not supposed to buy clothes and then find that you feel guilty when you don’t consume them within 48 hours of purchase.

Independent of your personal taste, which is a matter of aesthetic pleasure, you’re not supposed to worry that your clothes will rot.

Clothes don’t rot.

Our closets are not refrigerators.

They are hurricane cabinets.

Zones primed for nonperishables that can — and will — sustain us whenever hunger strikes.

So I’ve been thinking about what building a reliable wardrobe looks like and I keep coming back to good quality jeans and white shirts and extravagant shoes that don’t want to yell, but kind of just do. Recently, I’ve also been really into belts.

I am never not a proponent for the seasonally in/appropriate jacket. The thing is, these tend to be the items that are the least exciting to buy. The shit you get because every woman knows, you’ve got to have “the basics,” right?

But think about this for a second. When you feel most excited to get something, how long does that relationship with the garment last? How long do you really feel excited! Connected! Awesome! On trend!

A month? Two months? Maybe three?

Now think about the last white shirt you bought. Did you even think twice?

Are you wearing it today?

Me too!

It’s not so different from companionship, you see. Because the suitors who get your heart racing — and keep it racing — are often the ones who disappoint you. Who fall off. And offend.

The ones that feel easy, though? That don’t make you think or second guess yourself; that shine the g-dang flashlight on your Pantene-locks — they stick around 4-lyfe.

And this, I submit, is what we should aspire toward with our wardrobes.

Of course, there is the question of whether building a “sustainable wardrobe” — a closet of hurricane survival tips — contradicts The Fashion Experience. That is, the ability to play dress up day in and out. To wear your temporary tattoo in the form of a skirt, or a dress, to cover your body in a mask that extolls one thing but then the following day decisively rejects it.

There’s also got to be a happy medium, so I’m proposing the following:

Buy less, wear more.

I know it doesn’t sound novel — but that’s because it’s not. And yes, duh, I know that a splurge can mean $300 for one person, $15 for another. I also know that the culture we have helped to cultivate is one that acts impulsively, that galvanizes the “treat yo’self!” mentality, but we can break that pattern.

We can save our money and wait to buy the thing that stops us in our tracks and steals our heart. We can invest in quality that will last beyond next season. It’s like passing on the salad in order to be really, really hungry for the thing you’ve actually been craving. You’ll be so much more satisfied, and when you look back on it one, two, five years from now, chances are you’ll think: yeah. I still want to wear this.

And what’s better, really, than knowing yourself that well?

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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You’re Probably Type A-Minus

The term “Type A” is thrown around far too often. “I’m perfect,” is what it translates to. “I’m just compulsive about it.”

Many of us identify under this umbrella of mild psychosis. We use it strategically in interviews when asked, “What’s your weakest attribute?” We offer it as an apology when we’re being bossy about the right way to cook an egg. We say it because we make our bed every morning, find spreadsheets satisfying, and create itineraries for casual vacations. But the reality is that unless diagnosed as such by a doctor, we’re not all-the-way obsessive. We’re 90 percent.

We’re Type A-Minus.

Take comfort in this.

To be Type A-Minus means that you have your shit together a majority of the time. In one area. You’re labeled a rock star at work; you fire off emails while taking calls and crossing tasks off your to-do list. You make your boss happy and proud. You secretly believe the company would crumble without your contributions…

And yet your personal life is a mess. You’re late to every date. You have no clue where your wallet is an aggressive majority of the time. You frequently search for your phone while speaking on it and it’s possible that you’ve forgotten to shower at least three days in a row.

Hence the minus.

Or!

You’re a household clean freak. People gasp upon arrival to your sparking abode. They marvel at your pillow-fluffing abilities and wonder aloud about how you keep things so tidy…

If only they peeked behind the couch, inside your drawers (that don’t fully open) or in the back right corner of your closet.

You workout every day until you don’t at all.

You religiously disinfect your hands but rarely wash your face.

Of course you brush your teeth after every meal!

But no. You do not floss. And it’s been years since you’ve seen a dentist.

To be Type A-Minus means you start writing a series of Thank You cards with reverent, loop-minded cursive. By the time you’ve reached your final five notes of gratitude, you’re scratching up the paper to warm dry ink and opting for a smiley face instead of actual words. You can spend hours on your Pinterest boards but mere seconds on your homework, and you’ve routinely questioned which one you need more: Xanax, or medication for ADHD.

Well guess what, A-Minus Tribe?

It means you’re one of us. You’re human. And that earns you at least a gold star.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis, Styled by Ella Viscardi  

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Man Repeller to Getter with Help from a Fashion Editor

If you are familiar with what happens on the concrete catwalk at New York Fashion Week, it is unlikely that you are not familiar with Shiona Turini, a fashion consultant and stylist who has previously held positions at Teen Vogue, CR Fashion Book and Cosmopolitan Magazine (and, uh, as a lead contestant on Man Repeller’s New York Closet roster). Officially, she’s an exceptional dresser that has been known to turn the MR ethos on its head what with her expansive arsenal of pencil skirts and crop tops and the appreciation/subsequent galvanizing of her cleavage.

Recently, she asked if she could style me. Going against my better judgement (her abs are hard enough to cut jicama on, which may amount for her relationship with crop tops, but that is certainly not the case for my gastrointestinal exterior, which is better likened to a thematic Pillsbury dough character), I acquiesced and thus here we are — knee-shallow in three looks I test drove with and for Shiona. Findings below.

These are pajamas pants that I happened to be wearing when Shiona came by with her boobs. She told me I could keep them on, but that my two-sizes-too-big blouse and jean jacket would have to go. She would replace them both with a “crop top” by Valentino that I am more comfortable calling a bib.

I should mention here that our office is around the corner from sneakerhead-cult-shop Kith. A new pair of kicks must have been released on this day because there was a line down the block when I got into work at 9:30 that morning. No one so much as looked at me, until, that is, I put on the baby bib and left again. At that point, the bounteous fisherman hats atop men’s heads whose bodies were seated on lawn chairs that wrapped around Bleecker Street were all, “Yo, sup?” Shiona was like, “See?” And I was like “No.”

I will say that I had no idea my back is as muscular as it is, and that it was a treat to get to know my spine a little bit better.

Moving on:

Then you know what she did? She put a bathing suit on me and called it a t-shirt. I’d be hard-pressed to call myself a stranger to bathing-suits-as-tops, but I am pretty sure you can see my nipple! Of course, I am all about teat freedom, so that’s fine. And for someone who has imposed upon herself a sanction in the direction of pencil skirts (blame it on an adolescence spent in modern orthodox garb), this one, with its slit, did not so much offend me as it did…

This. (Bathing suit by Baja East, skirt by Altuzarra, shoes by Alexandre Birman)

Finally: there was a blazer! And you know what they (I) say? Show me a blazer and I will make an honest spinster out of it.

Only Shiona didn’t let me wear it with anything else. No t-shirt, no jeans, no bra. NOTHING. Niente. I find it vaguely large on me but one man and even an elderly woman whistled at me so I suppose her mission went spectacularly accomplished. (Black dress by Alexandre Vauthier)

As for me?

Overalls.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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Does Drinking Water While You Eat Really Slow Down Digestion?

I have a bone to pick with the contingent of humanity that has seemingly indoctrinated itself as a group of highly knowledgeable physicians who specialize in what food and drink do to the human body.

See, if I had a dime for every time I’ve poked my fork at a plate of fruit following a meal of cooked goods only to find reprimandation (not a word, not not a word) from one such physician, explaining that “our bodies don’t digest fruit after large meals! They will ferment at the bottom of your belly,” or, while picking at a bowl of nuts, that I should only be eating four nuts a day — four! — and that they should be brazil or macadamia nuts, I’d be way too rich to stop at four, $16 nuts.

Most recently, I’ve been taught that if I’m going to drink, it should only be tequila (this is the only alcoholic beverage that does not break down as sugar) and more alarmingly, that if I drink water while I eat, it will slow down the digestion process.

I could get past the nut sanction. I could even overlook that bullshit about fruits (if you say I’m better off eating cake post-meal, than so be it!). I don’t mind tequila, either. But water? Really? The substance that has identified itself as the modern take on biblical manna — eastern and western recognized medicine that has only once, at a state fair in Pennsylvania, proven itself harmful when, in a water-drinking contest to win a Radio Shack gift card, one woman nearly drowned herself inwardly — could be regarded as bad for you?

Here just a year ago, we extolled the multifarious virtues of drinking hot water with lemon and guess what? Digestive ease was at the top of this list. So tell me now, whether you happen to be one of the self-knighted backslash nutritionists running wild around this town or not, is it true? Does drinking water while you eat slow down digestion?

If it is, I’m going back to soda.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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July Horoscopes Are Here!

Are you ready, Susan Miller?

“Aye Aye, Captain!”

I can’t hear you!

“Aye Aye, Captain!”

Ohhhhhh…

Cancer

Who lives in a pineapple under our galax-sea? Cancer Square Pants!

Channel the eye of the tiger shrimp this month and grab life by the claws, Krabby Patty, because if you focus on making money you’ll bake that dough into a five star crab cake.

On July 8, your ruler, Neptune — the planet and not Ariel’s dad — will collaborate with Mars who is all up in your creative house. This makes Wednesday the ideal day to pitch visions and mindstorm ideas since your brain will be on fire (which also gives you incentive to call out of work in case you have a “headache”).

You’ll be primed to fall in love on July 15 thanks to Saturn’s angle to the new moon, and if this wasn’t already an ideal bday-scope, note this: on July 11, we’ll be posting the Writer’s Club story about crabs. (Deadline’s July 9, btw!)

Aries

The 1st of July brought one disco ball of a new moon, priming you to fall in love or get a raise. I’ll be on the d-floor doing the Hustle in your honor for both.

July 25 will affect all of us because Venus is retrograding (that planet literally never takes a vacation, so chill) but Susan Miller wants you to be aware of it because Mars is simultaneously mad at Uranus, who’s in Aries. (Hook up drama.) WHY YOU CARE: because you may get really pissed at someone and want to flip a table, Teresa Giudice style. Do not. Breathe. Take a knee. Your actions could have a negative Domino effect, so in Susan’s words, “be diplomatic.”

Or be Diplo! He has such a fun Instagram, and since he’s a deejay with one of the main contenders for Song of the Summer, his is the perfect identity to take on for a giant party or social event that you’ll be invited to. (Suz stresses that it’s an important one for your future, so go.)

Taurus

Can you say sky-cowabunga?! I sure can and I just did, which I hardly regret because this month Mars wants us to travel frequently, and by the sea. You don’t have to ask me twice, Susan.

Instead, she asked thrice more that we travel near water within her many, many, many paragraphs — a welcome change from her usual humdrum about Taurusiiz being loyal and needing to get to the gym and whatnot.

Speaking of the gym! Venus will go retrograde July 25. We’re encouraged to not make any dramatic aesthetic changes (no new pillows, no new friends, etc) until after Labor Day. Surely this means we can take a break from the crunches, because we wouldn’t want to accidentally get abs and fuck up the solar system or something, amIright? Let’s just focus on eating and being merry instead. With the exciting career development that’s headed our way on July 31, #wedeserveit.

Gemini

Hope you like the smell of campfire, Gemini, because Capricorn and Venus are hooking up in the celestial counselor cabin, which means a giant spark will be lit in your own love life.

If you need to purchase real estate or like, say yes to an engagement, try to structure your “yes” so that it falls on July 21. July 22 is another good day to sign important papers but run fast, far and wide if someone’s trying to serve you with a restraining order in the supermarket parking lot for “stalking” (whatever) Miles Teller.

There’s a blue moon on July 31, which will not only conjure up the sweet sounds of Elvis Presley (a more angular Teller with sideburns, no?) but it will — and this is vague — “help you get to where you want to be.”

Leo

Let’s focus on July 8 exclusively for you, because it’s creepier than usual, in a cool way:

Mars will be in your twelfth house of the subconscious, which I did not know we even had. Our solar system’s real estate investments are really kept under the radar, apparently. So Mars, hanging out at its “beach cottage” (or whatever the humble-braggy geotag is on Instagram), will call up Neptune and invite it over.

Now, Neptune is in your eighth house of mysteries and transformations (Southampton summer share — #10MeadowLane baby!), which means that on this day you may feel “outstandingly intuitive,” per the Thriller. “Even psychic,” she adds.

Listen to that voice inside your head. (The smart one, not the drunk one who writes “creative text messages” for you at 3 a.m.) Heed its words of caution and wisdom. Whatever it says is true. “Alternatively,” Susan adds, “You may have a prophetic dream.” If that’s not freaky, then my Friday wasn’t either.

Virgo

“Your big moment will come on July 15 at the new moon in Cancer 23 degrees, to open a portal in your solar eleventh house of friends, new faces, people, and events,” writes Susan Miller. Either she didn’t elaborate or my reading comprehension is poor bordering on non-existent, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t specify and rather, means “moment” in the same way Rachel Zoe does.

However, Uranus, Planet of Butts, will be in hard angle to the new moon, probably because the moon sucks at eating fiber. A friend of yours may piss you off (maybe regarding your moment!!) so keep your eye on anyone suspicious and try to suss out weird behavior early. Or don’t, because that sounds paranoid and exhausting. Instead, take comfort in knowing that your core crew will stand by you like a young River Phoenix plus his three ruff-n-tumble pals. Together, you’ll make July the kind of month that feels somewhat appropriate when described as “epic.”

Libra

Don’t get mad: your guardian planet, Venus, is going retrograde from July 25th to September 6th. But Venus never takes a vacation — once every two years, maybe (the planet that keep you looking fine knows it has to shine that good lighting all the time!) so go easy on the hate mail. Besides, think of it like your mom: with Venus away, you can play.

And by play I mean plan a party! Because Venus’s backwards spa visit will affect your friendship house, it’s the perfect time to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in ages. Invite literally everyone over who’s ever texted you, “I haven’t seen you in sooooo long!,” or, “Are you dead?” and throw a rager. Surprise! You’re not dead! The funny thing is Susan Miller actually specifically says not to do this: “it would not be the time to have a big, lavish party or charity fundraiser,” but I’m still running on vacation fumes and say fuq the police — have your damn charity fundraiser.

PS: On July 31, you’re falling in love.

Scorpio

Feeling extra famous this month? You should. Venus and Jupiter are playing the role of Ari and Lloyd to your Season 1 Vincent Chase.

Only July 15, Suzan Thriller thinks you should take a vacation and hit the water — any water will do, really, but she notes that Uranus, which is being the worsssst, may try to mess things up with one of those “Hey I know it’s a Friday, but” emails. Tell Uranus to BUTT the eff out, however, by just not checking your email on Friday before your slip-n-slide extravaganza. Pretend to check it and say things like, “What’s going on with my email?! This is so weird!” It’s not the most mature plan, but it’s currently July 6 and you, my friend, still need a tan.

Sagittarius

If you read your June horoscope on Susan Miller’s website, you’ll see she wanted you to “kidnap your partner” and fly him or her to an island on July 1. That was a nice idea in theory but we’ve all seen Jawbreaker, so hopefully you just said, “Surprise!,” then asked where or if they’d like to go before employing any rogue vacationing.

Now, good news/bad news for the rest of the month. Good news! The new moon of July 15 could bring a “large influx of cash” from a work project. Bad news! Uranus is being a dick — it’ll be sunburned from that ray of literal sunshine’s hard angle and might throw a stick in your beer, thus screwing up plans. Keep your “antennae” up, as Susan Miller, apparent bug enthusiast, suggests, and get details/contract language/font style tightened up and approved now. Then go drink a margarita while the days are still long.

Capricorn

Look. You just came off of a holiday weekend so I’m not here to fuck up your Monday. However, I’d be remiss to not inform that the 15th might suck a bit: problems with your apartment or roommate, concerns about your family, bla bla bla thanks a lot Susan Monday Scaries Miller. Venus is also going to take a break and go retrograde starting the 25th, and Venus rules your looks.

But we can handle this. Problems with your apartment or roommate? Go away on vacation until they (your roommate/landlord) assume you’re a fugitive and stop texting you. Works like a charm. Concerned about your family? Now you know how they feel! Send flowers and a selfie and all will be well. As for Venus, you don’t need a planet to look fly. Just avoid cutting your hair or getting Botox until September 6 and you’ll be fine as pink wine. Bonus: you might get rich July 21!

Aquarius

Susan really laid your love life on thick for the beginning of the month then dropped the ball after day 3, so I can only assume/hope that you met a handsome royal with a great hairline who has managed to stay out of the public eye entirely while living a charitable yet private existence — like an early Amanda Bynes movie.

…And then she says this about some work-related thing: “I am more concerned about the tight, hard mathematical 90-degree angle of Uranus, your guardian planet, to the new moon on July 15, which might make the project slide off the rails.” I too would be concerned about the use of “90-degree angle” and “anus” in the same sentence, so watch your ass by staying alert and vigilant. Eye on the Wi-Fi with Time Warner on your cell’s speed dial at all times.

Pisces

I hope you like fun and love, Apple Pisces, because Mars — which Susan is suddenly calling “the action planet” as though it’s the new CrossFit — will be in your fifth house of true swoon all month.

Meanwhile, you’ve got money makers Venus and Jupiter pumping gold-not-iron in your sixth house of work assignments, which means that, while it sucks to work when the summer sun is shining, you’ll enter August (I know it’s only July, stop yelling at me!) with a fat wad of cash in your UV-ray-proof bank account. Money over tans, ya’ll. Dolla dolla billz.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

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How to Wear a Flower in Your Hair Without Looking Like an A-Hole

This weird thing happens once every couple of years, when without any real basis (see: past trends, bubbling trends, media influence) I become obsessively intrigued by a quirk that I definitively adopt as indigenous to my style.

In 2013 — the last documented example of the aforementioned — I committed my neck to cloaking by way of various forms of bandana. It started innocently with those of the cotton-silk blend variety, tying them neatly into my sweaters, under my button downs and over my t-shirts. Then my balls flung through the walls and there they were: popping up on my wrists and ankles and between my belt loops. Then on my head. I even made a video about it.

I forced Amelia to try an “MR Diet” about it.

When faced with the conundrum: buy a bandana for yourself with the last remaining twenty euros in your pocket, or eat lunch at an airport in Split, Croatia, I chose the bandana.

But all of this is to say nothing at all. Nothing bad, at least. Because here I still wear them — right? They’ve impacted my style-psyche in a way that is profound enough to, I think, lend a little salt to the fact that for the past three weeks, I have been walking around Manhattan with a 39-cent polyester flower clipped into my hair.

The initiation of this non-trend sprouted naively too. At Stella McCartney’s Resort presentation last month, they were being handed out to riff on the theme at hand: Cuban joie de vivre, or maybe it’s “Alegria de vivir.” But I? I took them and ran. And now? Now you’re being forced to watch as in three simple attempts to prove that you can wear florals in your hair without looking like an asshole, I determinately prove myself as…

An asshole.

But it’s fun! Advise the slideshow above for captions and tipz and the like.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

Need more ideas to up your ‘do? Watch our hair bead GIF tutorial. We’re also showing you why Instagram is a packing guru. After that, go be a Drama Queen and tip the Drama Jar.

The post How to Wear a Flower in Your Hair Without Looking Like an A-Hole appeared first on Man Repeller.