Leandra Medine's Blog, page 16

A Poem to Read and Save: “Field Notes on Intimacy”

It’s “Whatever You Want” week on Man Repeller, and Loré Yessuff, whose MR debut essay was published last month, would like to share a poem with you. Here’s what she said: “Poetry is my first love. It challenges rigid ideas about art and teaches me how to play with language. Naturally, I gravitate towards making poems, but recently I’ve come to enjoy essay writing too. It’s easy to feel as if I have to choose one genre, but I’m trying to cling to the freeing fact that there is room for both.”

Field Notes on Intimacy

1. skin feels like skin instead of a burden

2. thighs,

everyone’s, everywhere,

scintillating like molasses

3. words like

cinnamon and mango and June

4. mango and cinnamon in June

5. warmth is warmth is warmth, timely and tender

6. while in child’s pose, the yoga instructor rubs eucalyptus into the nape of your neck,

you exhale softly

7. the delight of remembering the tiny parts of the earth;

  the smalls of backs,

  the backs of ears,

  the corners of collarbones,

  the centers of palms

8. on the bus, a stranger sits a bit too close to you,

neither you nor the stranger speaks,

neither you nor the stranger leans away

9. cardamom summers

10. homecoming is your brothers’ plantain-mouthed i love you’s is wave pomade is Laker game buzzers is golden hour sweat is 3 am nostalgia about the old Kanye is i love you too

11. your mother calls and you don’t feel nervous

12. your mother calls and hollers bawo ni and all of your brownness coos

13. your mother calls and reminds you that

your name is not too difficult, that your name is a lullaby

14. a lover memorizes the lullaby and sings it from their belly

15. a crevice of light sneaks into the dusk and then a neighbor becomes a friend and teaches you the secrets of the deep like how to forgive your father, what love means in the context of pain and then god doesn’t feel so abstract and the earth sways in the backyard

16. with time, your body feels affection as affection,

and this is the bravery of returning to yourself

Poet’s note: Bawo ni means how are you in Yoruba.

Graphic by Lorenza Centi.

The post A Poem to Read and Save: “Field Notes on Intimacy” appeared first on Man Repeller.

Shop With Me in the Comments (and Over Video Call!)

For “Whatever You Want” week, I’d like to hang out inside your closet, if you don’t mind. Consider this fantasy an extension of the comment section underneath this story, where I had the pleasure of assisting MR readers with a litany of shopping inquiries, from the perfect big-boob-friendly red one-piece swimsuit to tapestry loafers you can wear at home.

I had so much fun, I’m doing it again, so feel free to leave shopping requests in the comments. Here are three questions to answer if you do:

What are you looking for? (Send me a link to something similar, an inspo image, a description, etc.)
Are there any challenges or specifications I should keep in mind? (Price, sizing, material, etc.)
What’s one word that describes how you want to feel when wearing this item?

Keep checking back to see my response! I’ll be answering all week.

Here’s something new, though: I’m also extending my services beyond the comments–which is where the aforementioned closet hangout comes in–with styling tips and wardrobe curation advice via video call. During a 30-minute session, we’ll go through your closet together, focusing on items you wear often but want to bring new energy to, and items that are neglected but you’d love to wear more. I’ll suggest some styling ideas on the call, and within 10 days of the appointment, I’ll also send you a packet of shopping links to items you might like to round things out, with a focus on Black-owned businesses.

The first five people to ask for a video session in the comments will get one for zero-point-zero dollars. Be sure to include your IG handle (or email if you prefer) and I’ll get in touch to schedule it.

Can’t wait to hang!

The post Shop With Me in the Comments (and Over Video Call!) appeared first on Man Repeller.

Your Horoscopes Are Here—With a Side of #PersonalNews

The moment you were born, your tiny, sticky, baby body was bathed in the distant light of a particular array of planets. The subtle angles, conjunctions, and trines of these planets shined on your freshly minted face and beamed in through your gooey unformed skull to shape your basic inclinations, your personality, and according to some, your destiny. The monthly movement of these planets energetically vibrates in our world and in our bodies, and when astrologers interpret these movements, they are telling us stories about who we are and what might become of us.

But here’s the thing: I can’t read any more stories about who I am. I can’t read any more stories about fate or destiny. I am stuffed to the gills with predictions and plans that depend on a knowable world when so much right now is unknowable. So I’m getting out of the prediction game for now, and taking a different tack.

The theme on Man Repeller this week is “Whatever You Want.” So the captains of the MR ship asked me what it is I want to do and this is what I told them:

I want to be honest. I want to say publicly that I believe that if Man Repeller doesn’t listen and respond to the readers and contributors who felt excluded, discriminated against, unseen, stifled, and fed up, then this platform really has no place in the moment we’re living through.

I don’t want to write horoscopes anymore. I want to make a new space where the focus is less on the energetic pull of distant bodies and more on the possibilities at hand when we respond, create, and connect with the bodies that are right here, on earth.

I want to start a Book Club! But not the kind of stuffy shame circle book club wherein 60 percent of people didn’t read the book because the book was 500 pages and basically just a Jane Austen novel set in Cincinnati. No, for our book club, I will select shorter, experimental novellas, graphic novels, short story collections, etc. that will push us to do the same kind of self-reflection and discovery that we’ve been doing in our time together in the horoscopes. We’re going to play games! We’re going to learn new things together! I want to experiment, and celebrate, and mourn, and play with the readers because you are, and have always been, the funniest, coolest, best part of this Man Repelling internet enclave.

And the Man Repeller team said: Giddy up, cowboy, let’s blow shit up.

So, instead of your regular-degular monthly forecast, I’m waving goodbye to horoscopes with an astrological superlatives page, before we all load up our friend’s pick-up trucks with all our Ikea furniture and get the hell out of Dodge. But you better believe I’m not leaving my horoscopes column without celebrating your sign’s unique gifts, and maybe peppering in some well-intentioned guidance-counselor advice (you already know I’m going to tell you to meditate, so don’t act surprised) that you can freely disregard because, hey, I’m not your real mom!

Think of me instead like an amalgam of Dumbledore/your high school guidance counselor/your drunk but wise auntie/Mr. Feeny/that one teacher you had a crush on but respected too much to masturbate about and I’ll see you on the other side, ponyboys.

P. S. If you stick around to the end of ceremonies, after everyone with a Z in their name has gotten their diploma, I’ll tell you more about my post-grad plans for my future at Man Repeller.

Aries: Most Likely to Already Be the Next Evolution of the Homo Sapien

Aries you are the beginning. Of all the little mushy-faced babies born on earth, heralding a new generation, your mushy face was illuminated by the most fiery baby energy astrologically possible, as Aries is the first sign in the zodiac and the avant garde of all signs. And, let me ask you a question: What do babies do? Correct. The answer is: Whatever the hell they want. That is what babies do. You were born under the sign that signals the charge, the will, the drive to exist. If you have this energy in your Sun or Ascendant sign, you have a lot of raw emotional horsepower under the hood. Aries is a sign that can think on its feet and rally others to their cause. This means that where others might get bogged down in the details, Aries has the energy to leap ahead. Though, when Aries is out of balance this can look like a mad dash and can leave you feeling depleted and unfocused. I know you are on to bigger and better things than this backwater imaginary planet can offer you. So, for what its worth (even though I know you don’t feel the need for advice) I think this might be the ideal moment to change course, to change the way you go about leading. Instead of jumping into action, choose to prioritize taking others with you. While moving slowly may seem antithetical to changing the world, it is the act of reaching out and pooling your gifts with others that will magnify your abilities. This is your access point. This is the place where you can make a different choice and arrive at a new place.

Taurus: Most Likely to Be the Proprietor of a Hidden Oasis of Luxury and Beauty in an Otherwise Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

Taurus, you are as magnetic as that one miraculous magnet that holds like four takeout menus at once to the fridge. It is an incontrovertible law of the universe that this magnet bears the slogan of a pizza place we’ve never been to or an autoshop we vaguely remember getting our oil changed at. I’m not saying that your inner brilliance is like a random pizza place, I’m saying that, although this magnet may look like any other magnet, it has some inexplicable gravity that holds more of the things of this world firmly in place than seems possible. In human terms, when you are in balance, you are a person that other people want to be around. People are drawn to Taurean energy because Taurus has an innate sense of how to cultivate the beauty, pleasure, comfort, and delight that is possible in the material world. The key to manifesting this gift is in the practice of developing healthy self-worth. In times of stress and imbalance, Taurus can become rigid, putting up walls and blocking out any influences or emotions that might disturb their homeostasis. If we dig down to the roots this resistance to change, we often find a scarcity mindset. And regardless of what that hack who we had teaching economics told you, scarcity is a big fat lie. This belief in lack hides out in the dark corners of our hearts and skitters away from the light. In order to break through into a future you want to live in, that is different and better than our present moment, you must coax that belief into the light and ask: What would my life be like if I believed that no matter what happened, I am capable of adapting, growing, and rising to the occasion? The different choice you can make, Taurus, you perfect miracle, you unlikely oasis in a desert, you first sip of a mojito at sunset, is to allow some of what you’ve been avoiding to enter your heart with the bravery that comes from knowing you already have everything you need to heal yourself.

Gemini: Most Likely to Meditate, Like, Two Times and Achieve Whole-Ass Nirvana

Hi, hello, Gemini, one quick question: What is it like being a megawatt supernova trapped in a rapidly decaying finite skin ship? It is an experience that few who do not share your intellectual and spiritual velocity can understand. Mercury, your ruling planet, influences communication and is tied mythologically to the Greek god Hermes. Hermes is the messenger of the gods. Traditionally, Hermes has no monolithic temples. A gentleman scholar in saddle shoes told me once that instead of temples, people built small shrines called herms to honor this god because he couldn’t be held in place, his power resided in his speed, his adaptability. His brilliance was velocity. Like your mythological buddy Hermes, you are always two steps ahead, flitting from shiny new idea to shiny new idea. When Gemini is stressed out, scared, or just generally out of whack, this energy can manifest as restlessness and anxious dissatisfaction. Because Gemini’s energy swirls in the head and illuminates the mind, it can be a challenge for Gemini to slow down enough to feel their heart and access clarity amidst the lightshow of their mind. The world needs our brilliant Geminati, but we need Geminati that are guided by their hearts. As a meditation teacher, I often find that my Gemini students have the hardest time with silent seated meditation. However, all the Geminis that I’ve worked with that give it the ol’ college try, end up being the most rapidly transformed by this practice. If you’ve let your meditation practice slip to the bottom of your to-do list, or you haven’t yet applied yourself to the practice, try a simple five minutes of Vipassana meditation. If you hate it, please slide into my DMs and vent about it and I will say, its okay Gemini, just keep at it! And then you can do it again tomorrow. How ’bout it? If you let all that internal buzz settle down in you, you will have the clarity you need to make the next right choice toward a future you want to inhabit.

Cancer: Most Likely to Walk Into a Party and Immediately Know Who Needs to Be Told That Their Mother Always Loved Them and She Did the Best She Could, Then, Coach That Person From Breakdown to Breakthrough

Cancer, you sentient hothouse flower, I hope you are taking extra attentive care of yourself right now. The most sensitive and emotional sign in the celestial menagerie, when you are particularly open you feel the emotions of everyone in the room, in the grocery store, in the Uber, everywhere. You, metaphoric crab, have sensory similarities to literal earth crabs. The fiddler crab, for example, has 8000 eyes distributed along their bodies. With these eyes, the see in every direction, taking in sensory information in this hyper-dilated way. This awareness is at once your greatest strength and your greatest challenge. Many Cancers, especially those with Cancer as their rising sign, have learned to tuck their emotions away behind an impenetrable carapace. Ironically, the most tender sign in the zodiac is often characterized by acquaintances as tough or invulnerable. The world teaches many Cancers that their natural gifts are a maladaptation to our society where true vulnerability, compassion, and care are treated as dangerous liabilities. The key to your healing during this time, wherein that toxic worldly message that tenderness is a liability, has rallied evidence behind it, is to challenge the lie that love is finite and must be hoarded. To help you access your courageous heart, try a Metta, or loving kindness meditation. This meditation technique centers you in your wise heart, and then gradually helps to expand the bounds of your love to encompass your larger community. Let me be clear, no astrologer worth their weight in salt would accuse Cancers of lacking love and compassion. This meditation is a technique to practice feeling safe in your ability to love and feel broadly, without losing integrity, without losing yourself. A world full of Cancers who extend their nurturing and generosity without fear of being over-exposed or taken advantage of, is a better world, it is the world we need. Go forth, Cancer, and love yourself and others intrepidly.

Leo: Most Likely to Be the Subject of a Biopic That Becomes a Miniseries Because People Literally Can’t Fit All Their Commentary on Your Life Into 90 Minutes

Leo, you human firefly, you luminous artisanal candle, I want to talk to you about your charisma. Now, I’m sure I’m not the first of your admirers to opine about this foundational Leo trait and I hope you’re not bored of talking about how charming and attractive you are. Oh, you’re not? That’s great, because the thing about charisma that is often lost in the praise that charismatic people receive is the actual secret nature of this quality. From the Greek root of the word kharisma meaning, “special spiritual gift or power divinely conferred, talent from God” we know that the quality of charisma is not something private, stable, and self-centered. We feel that a person is charismatic when that person makes those around them feel illuminated, interesting, vibrant. It is your ability to shine your light on others and awaken them to their own gifts that is your highest power. However, when the ego is unstable or threatened, this gift can become Leo’s downfall. A fearful or insecure Leo can hurt themselves by chasing approval and appreciation, and repeatedly find that no single person or group’s approval and validation will satisfy the need to be seen. Leos, especially those with Leo as their rising sign, can fall into the trap of arrogance, which is simply a misperception of the nature of their inherent gifts. Your light is not a shiny possession to be admired by others. It is instead a mirror intended to distribute and reflect the divine light that emanates from everywhere and every one. In order for you to experience the ease and power of your gifts, you can not attack the ego directly or punish yourself for wanting to be loved. Instead, try to start or reinvigorate a gratitude practice that, over time, will stabilize your awareness of how loved , cherished, and adored you are. It is this security and balance that will allow you to go out into the world and share your light with others in a free and healthy way, because trust me Leo, you have enough to go around.

Virgo: Most Likely to Make a Friend on the First Day of College That Ends Up Being Your Best Friend for Life

Virgirino! My dude! I’m so glad we have this chance to chat before we leave town. I don’t know what we would do without the Virgos in our lives. The most loyal, hard-working, and devotional sign, Virgos have the capacity to be the bedrock of a community. You are the friend that never shies away from difficult emotions You are the friend that bears the weight of your beloveds’ burden with them. You see it through, you stick it out, and you can be depended on. You have a talent for discernment in all things, especially in relationships. You are characteristically hard to get, as trust is never uncomplicated for Virgo. However, once you’re got, the lucky getter has access to a deep well of attentive and devoted love. As we look toward creating the future we want to live in, we will need your foresight, your grace, and your helping hands. These qualities grow with light, nourishment, and a consistent but gentle attention. You know how they say that a watched pot never boils? Well for you, Virgirino, the challenge will be in trusting that the pot will boil if you let it do its thing. You see, the flipside of your gifts is a kind of constrained hyper-vigilance that leaves you feeling depleted and leaves your loved ones feeling criticized. Choose to trust my friend. It is time you turn your powerful attention away from that which you can’t control and toward the things in your life that call to you by name.

Libra: Most Likely to Be the First Person That a White Tiger Chooses, of Its Own Volition, to Cohabitate With

Libra, you tree full of songbirds, you decadent silk sheets, it has been such a pleasure to tarry with you in this space of celestial expansion. When the sun shined on your lil baby face upon your emergence from the flesh cave, you were bathed in star juice from the most romantic region of the sky. This enchanted your life with a natural taste for luxury and a gift for turning everything you touch into a more beautiful, balanced version of itself. Yes, I am confirming that your suspicions were right and all of your exes got hotter and cooler by being with you. However, your gift for putting all things in harmony presents its own set of accompanying difficulties. One of the most significant challenges for your refined soul as it traverses the messy and chaotic world we inhabit is that in the attempt to make things pretty and neat, you may tend to avoid journeying more deeply into the murk. I, as a fellow Libra (sun and rising) share in the common Libra reaction to the prospect of murk and conflict which is basically: ugh, no. But this tendency can leave us Libras superficial, guarded and lacking in the kind of deep connection that comes with fully seeing and being seen by others. As you continue on your journey to becoming the human embodiment of a crystal vase (pronounced, in this case, Vuh-AWS) full of peonies, do not be afraid to dig your toes into the dirt. You are the sign of paradox, duality, and in your highest incarnation, you are the bridge that connects and balances the polar opposites of this world.

Scorpio: Most Likely to Both Join and Start a Cult, but, Like a Fun Sex-Magic Kind Where Everyone Has Free Will and They All Just Choose to Dress the Same and Tantric-Breathe Into Each Others Mouths

Oh boy, Scorpling, am I gonna miss seeing you in class. You brightened all my days with the poetry scrawled on the bathroom wall and the moody mixtapes you gave me. And sure, there was a LOT of D’Angelo, but really is there ever enough D’Angelo on a mixtape (hot take: no.) Scorpio you have the inherent capacity to act as a spiritual guide to those around you. Deeply feeling, passionate, and mysterious there are many in this world full of trifles that just don’t get you. But I hope you wouldn’t have it any other way, because for those who do get you, it is unlikely that they will ever get enough. The world we want to graduate into is a world that doesn’t throw out the mystic and mysterious in the quest for revolution. You encourage all of us to make space for the shadowy sides of ourselves. You teach us how to love the depth. You show us that there is nothing to fear in the dark. Oops, I am getting so hype about you that I think you just recruited me to your as-yet-undefined cult. … Okay, sorry I had to splash cold water on my face, I’m back now. The key for you moving forward is to realize the power that you have! More than any other sign, you have the ability to face the tumultuous undercurrents without drowning. Make a home of yourself, and you will be a refuge for many.

Sagittarius: Most Likely to Drop Off the Face of the Earth and Then Reappear Five Years Later on an Eastern European Cross-Country Skiing Olympic Team

Sag, you ol’ so-and so, you bag of tricks, you tan-legged adventurer! I know that you, more than anyone, are itching to get out of this place and set off on a grand adventure in a far-flung locale. But, if I can have your attention for just a moment longer, I want to tell you how much you contribute everywhere you go. Your optimistic, curious spirit encourages all those around you to seek truth, no matter how far they have to go to get it You’ve earned quite the reputation as a young buck that is wise beyond your years. Sure, you are a bonafide truant that can not be contained by the bounds of an institution, but you made it this far powered on wanderlust and protein shakes, so who am I to tell you to slow down. In fact, my advice is exactly the opposite. The world needs optimism, idealism, and truth seeking adventurers. Just be sure to temper your wandering with time for reflection so that you can let all that explosive knowledge you gain in your explorations settle into the kind of wisdom that heals and soothes. If you do this, I have no doubt that the beautiful world you imagine and believe is possible is within all of our reach. Now get out there scamp, and give ’em hell!

Capricorn: Most Likely to Retire With Five Years Worth of Accumulated Vacation and Sick Days Left Unused

Capricorn, I love seeing your smiling face in the front row of every room, hand ready to be raised at a moments notice. You are the epitome of dedication, discipline, and ambition. The world can put any task in front of you, any challenge, any obstacle, and you will rise to meet it. Your strategy is a combination of interminable self-discipline and perseverance. With a natural gift and affinity for navigating even the most complex systems of rules, expectations, and traditions, there is no end to the list of ways that you can contribute to the world beyond these hallowed halls. The key, you wonderful collection of polished river stones, is in constantly working to expand your field of perception. The thing about the remarkable ambition that is a trademark of your sign, is that it can at times be all-encompassing. The focus that drives you to work harder than anyone around you to achieve your goals, is the same focus which can blind you to the meaning of the journey. Only you can appreciate the struggle, the self-mastery, the joy of pushing yourself to new heights, but if you are not present with the moment to moment experiences in your life, the goal will be only superficially satisfying. It is my duty, as a corny guidance-counselor/auntie/Mr. Feeny to advise you not to miss the forest for the trees. It is your duty as anyone receiving that advice to stick your gum to the underside of my desk. I’m not worried about you Cap, I just hope you remember all us little people when you rule the world.

Aquarius: Most Likely to Make Hella Money From an OnlyFans Account Consisting Entirely of Extended Eye Contact and Personalized Transcendental ASMR Videos

Aquarius, I would bet my left pinky (that’s my good pinky) that wherever you land after you leave this place will be transformed by your presence. I know that we certainly have been. As the astrological water carrier, you have the ability to make new life grow out of soil that the rest of us swore was fallow. You are the most fascinating and fascinated person to be around. When life gives you a Rubik’s Cube, you disassemble it and build a scale replica of the Guggenheim’s atrium. At your heart, you seek freedom for yourself, and for the rest of humanity. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you might just be an alien. But, alien or not, this world will deal you your share of blows. The world is fucked up, and no one is more painfully aware of this than you. Which is why when you’re hurt or scared, you have a tendency to crave destruction for destruction’s sake. When you lose faith, you might put too much of your energy into tearing everything down, when really, you are exactly who we need to help us see new ways to build a society. As you leave this place, remember who you are. You are a dreamer and a guide. You are the kid who asked why so many times your parents went grey early. Never stop asking why the world is the way it is, never stop pushing the boundaries. We need your gifts now and always.

Pisces: Most Likely to Discover That Reality Is, Actually, Just a Simulation/Robot Dream

You know, when I got into this field, my supervisor (probably Zeuss or God or whatever) told me that I would end up learning more from you guys then you would learn from me, and over my years here, I can say that this statement is the gosh dang truth. As I think about you, Pisces, you disconcertingly psychic sunfish who may or may not be able to tell people how they will one day die, you have taught us all so much. You teach us all by your example, how to adapt to the ever-changing flow of life. As the last sign of the zodiac, you are the celestial gateway between this world, and what lies beyond. You have an innate mastery over adaptation, pouring yourself like water into a vessel, taking the shape of your surroundings. When you fix your gaze on someone, that someone feels truly seen, understood, and appreciated. You help us to release our inhibitions and open ourselves up to experience. You are a model of empathy and forgiveness, and in a world where there is such a profound need for restorative justice, the kind of justice that recognizes everyone’s potential to harm and to heal, we need you to show us the way. However, in order for you to show up during this time when your presence is vital, you must make sure to attend to your boundaries. Because of your grand capacity for empathy and forgiveness, you are more likely than many of the other signs to downplay your strength, to shrink, to allow the world to happen to you. Practice being on your own side, being the advocate you are for everyone else, but on behalf of yourself. Yes, yes, I know you’re probably all like, but what does it mean to advocate on behalf of myself when we are all actually one spiritual unity and anyway none of this is real? But humor me, you vast and boundless shade of cerulean, and treat yourself like a precious gift.

What a wild ride it’s been, you guys. Before I have Green Day play me out, here are some more Book Club teasers for my ride-or-dies:

We’re announcing the inaugural book next week.
We’re going to have our first virtual book club meeting in a few weeks and yes, duh, of course, it is going to be themed, and yes, we’re gonna be turning looks.
I can’t wait to meet you all virtually face-to-face as we learn and play and grow together.
If you’re in for the book club, and want to be the first to know about book number one, sign up riiiiiight here.

The post Your Horoscopes Are Here—With a Side of #PersonalNews appeared first on Man Repeller.

Transformations! Life-Changing Revelations! A Not-Boring Book Club! “Whatever You Want” Week Starts Now

“Whatever you want.”

It’s one of those phrases that you kind of need to hear out loud, or at least in context, in order to know how to interpret it. If I was an acting coach (thankfully for actors, I am not), I’d assign it to my students as an exercise:

“Say it like an impatient waitress with a stubby pencil tucked behind her ear.”

“Say it like a babysitter who is down to conspire against the tyranny of bedtimes.”

“Say it like a butler, propping open the doors to a majestic room full of flavored seltzer.”

A couple of weeks ago, the Man Repeller editorial and creative teams talked with many longtime (and more recent and about-to-be-first-time) contributors—and we turned it into a question:

What’s a story you’ve always wanted to make or share but haven’t yet? Maybe you thought it was too out there? Too niche? Too far outside of your usual beat?

For most of us, entertaining this idea is an option so infrequently offered that when it is bestowed upon us we draw a blank. (Case in point: the Saturday spiral.) But I have personally found that entertaining this idea of what I would do if I could do whatever I want is essential every now and then. In my own life, the entertaining has often been forced upon me when I’ve had to reckon with change that’s out of my control: the end of a romantic relationship, a job, an apartment lease, etc. etc. etc. In those moments, life can feel like a dog giddily dropping a dead bird out of its mouth onto my feet. “This is a present for you, clearly,” life says, slobbering.

But I did not come here on this Monday morning to talk about dead birds! I’m here to offer some context about what we mean when we say it’s “Whatever You Want” week on Man Repeller: We mean that this week the MR team, along with contributors past and future, are taking the opportunity to stretch in ways that are exciting to us. It’s an experiment that will help show us how and where Man Repeller’s content can grow—one that relies on feeling rather than the analytics and algorithms and other digital tools (I mean “tools” in the pejorative sense, wink) that tend to derail us on the path to Whatever We Want. The things you’ll read and see will run the gamut from new ways to think about style, reflective personal writing and photography, and, of course, the odd impassioned essay about something you never realized you were also very passionate about until somebody gave you the wild-eyed suggestion to be.

And because it wouldn’t be a theme announcement without a question for you: What’s something you’ve always wanted to read on Man Repeller but haven’t asked us to cover because you thought it was too out there? Too niche? Too far outside of our usual beat?

Graphic by Lorenza Centi.

The post Transformations! Life-Changing Revelations! A Not-Boring Book Club! “Whatever You Want” Week Starts Now appeared first on Man Repeller.

The Quiet Chaos of Working From the Bath

When we chose the theme “Chaos” back in March we had an inkling that the word was in the air, but we did not know how truly on the nose it would turn out to be. Lots of things were thrown into disarray that month, including many of our editorial plans, which is why we’re just now publishing this piece by the March writer’s club winner, Emily Field, whose endorsement of her cramped workspace is at turns, funny, sweet, and surprising. Better late than never, we hope you agree?

I’ve been working from the bath for more than ten years. My home office is 44 inches of chipped, enamel tub—a quiet place to entertain loud, unruly thoughts for hours.

The upside of working from the bath is that it’s hard to get cold feet about an idea when said feet are submerged in hot water. The downside is the potential destruction of ideas if your phone or notebook slips into the watery abyss.

It was, at least, a chaos of my own making.

Really, the occupational hazards of a bath office are numerous. Breaking a glass means you can’t move a muscle. Accidentally accepting a video chat from a coworker is a fireable offense. If you add candles for ambiance, you run the risk of setting your hair or notes on fire (not as implausible as you might think). Working on a phone that’s plugged into a wall charger is not dissimilar to using a hair dryer in the bath, only the dangers are less frequently advertised. Every now and then I catch myself, cords dangling just above sea level, on the brink of electrocuting my way to a eulogy that would make my practical farming family cringe.

I first discovered the pleasures of working from the bath aged 17, when the inescapable loudness of my living quarters drove me into the tiled confines of the bathroom. In our little house, cramped with too many siblings, cousins, and neighborly drop-ins, there was no space to study, and so I claimed the tub. In a bath quarter-filled with muddy river water, and my knees drawn up as a desk, I wrote essays, memorized legal case studies, and rehearsed drama monologues. It wasn’t a perfect workspace—I had to vacate when people needed to use the toilet, my tailbone ached, and my skin dried out then itched—but it was, at least, a chaos of my own making. My longest stint in the tub? The sun came up, then set.

My longest stint in the tub? The sun came up, then set.

The bath has become such a fixture in my life that I sometimes feel incapable of working on dry land. I’ll show up to my actual office, where I work as an advertising creative, get briefed to write a script, then spend the remainder of the workday second-guessing every word I type while yearning for the relative safety of the tub. Later, after dinner, when I can access the wild side of my brain. Or later still, at 4 am, when the only sounds I can hear are my thoughts and a tap slowly dripping. As an anxious person, I sometimes can’t breathe, let alone think, without the tub’s cozy embrace. What began as a practical bid for a space to call my own, has become my creative crutch, my cure-all, the one place where I’m truly comfortable letting my thoughts roam.

P.S.: The writer’s club is relaunching and the next deadline to submit is this Monday, July 6! Read more here.

The post The Quiet Chaos of Working From the Bath appeared first on Man Repeller.

Katie and John Sturino Have a Really Good “First Date” Story

Katie Sturino is the founder of Megababe and the brains behind The 12ish Style. John Sturino is a law student at Hofstra. I sat down with them to talk about how they met, their relationship advice for others, and Cher Horowitz-style epiphanies. 

Harling: All right, easy question first: How did you guys meet?

Katie: [Looking at John] What story are we giving?

Harling: Are there multiple?

John: It’s not an easy question for us [laughs].

Katie: We met on Bumble. But there are multiple stories about what our official first date was, because we have a “PR statement” first date, and we have the real first date. It’s always just a question of, “Is my mom reading this?”

Harling: Let’s hear the real story!

Katie: Okay, so we both swiped right, and I was like, this guy is so hot, but is he a murderer? What’s his deal? I made him videotape his apartment.

In my mind it was just a hookup.

John: I showed her the inside of my freezer.

Harling: Over FaceTime?

Katie: No, we were texting, and he sent a video.

Harling: Katie, what was your pickup line when you first reached out on Bumble?

Katie: I don’t remember.

John: You said, “Same.”

Katie: About what?

John: In response to my bio, “Just a basic guy from Queens.”

Harling: How long ago was this?

Katie: Three years ago. 2017. It was the beginning of February.

Harling: Near Valentine’s Day?

Katie: Yes, we actually met on Valentine’s Day.

John: That was our first date.

Harling: Wow. Where’d you go?

Katie: Well, in my mind it was just a hookup. I wasn’t in the best head space to be in a real relationship yet. Also, he was like an untamed gorilla. I didn’t understand his personality at all. Now his personality makes sense to me, but in the beginning, his texts made no sense. Then it was Valentine’s Day, and I was like, you know what, I’m going to treat myself to an in-home visit from a new guy on the internet, so I asked him to come over, and he said yes. I lit candles and turned all the lights low. I told him that my door was open, and to just come in… is this awkward for you to hear?

I was like, “Sir, we don’t know each other. Definitely keep your dating apps, because I will be dating other people.”

Harling: No, this is incredible. What was going through your head, John?

John: I thought there was a good chance I might get jumped and robbed. I was thinking, am I about to be on a cam girl’s website? But I picked up a dozen roses on the way there, and I just walked right in.

Katie: I was in the bedroom, wearing lingerie. A beam of light hit his face when he walked in, and he looked so cute! At the end of the night, he said, “Listen, I’m going to delete my dating apps, I don’t need to see anyone else.” And I was like, “Sir, we don’t know each other. Definitely keep your dating apps, because I will be dating other people.”

Harling: Then what happened?

Katie: He kept texting me, and I kept inviting him over.

John: She was playing really hard to get. She told me, “Hey, how about you come over every three to four days?” So that’s what I would do, but she would always kick me out afterward and make me go home.

Katie: Then one night, when I told him to go home, he turned to me very seriously and said, “I’m not a piece of meat,” and I was like, “Oh no, you’re right, I’m so sorry.” But my mindset still didn’t really start to shift until a month or so later, when there was a snowstorm and I asked him to come over. I didn’t want to be alone, but I also didn’t want company from just anyone. I only wanted him to come over.

Harling: Was that a sign?

Katie: Yeah, that was a sign, but I didn’t fully understand what the sign was. I knew that I liked him, but it wasn’t until I went on a trip to Chicago and went on a date with this awful guy that I had a true epiphany, like Cher in Clueless when she’s standing in front of the Electric Fountain. I came back, and I was like, “Oh my god, I’m in love with John.”

Even if she kicked me out and wouldn’t let me sleep over, it was no big deal. I’d just hit the subway.

Harling: When was this?

Katie: Two months after we met.

John: For me that epiphany happened the moment I saw her. She was so beautiful.

Harling: So for you, John, it was very definitive from the beginning. You wanted more out of the relationship?

John: Yeah, I was kind of like Pepé Le Pew from that cartoon, putting a little box with some cheese and a string on a stick and trying to seduce her, and she would be like, “Go away!” I was never deterred, though, because she kept inviting me back. Even if she kicked me out and wouldn’t let me sleep over, it was no big deal. I’d just hit the subway.

Harling: So Katie, what happened after you realized you loved him?

Katie: It was like an exhale. Suddenly it was okay to just be together.

Harling: So there was no conversation where you officially “defined the relationship”? It just happened kind of organically?

John: Well, we went on vacation together.

Katie: Where’d we go?

John: We went to Puerto Rico.

Katie: We were in love then, right?

John: Yeah, we were in love. I had basically moved into her apartment at that point.

Harling: Who said “I love you” first?

Katie: I don’t know.

John: I don’t remember.

Katie: Sorry, what a weird interview–no details whatsoever!

Did you know you were about to get engaged?

Harling: No, I love it. It’s the relationship equivalent of a fever dream. How long after dating did you get engaged?

Katie: A year and a half.

Harling: How did it happen?

John: We were at Hotel Il Pellicano in Italy. I had preselected a menu, and I reserved this beautiful, sectioned-off little small gazebo type thing, right inside a cliff. They had flowers, candles, everything.

Katie: We picked out the ring together when we got back home.

Harling: So when you saw the setup, did you know you were about to get engaged?

Katie: Yeah. I still cried though.

Harling: John, were you nervous?

John: No, I wasn’t nervous.

Harling: Did you give a speech?

John: I got down on my knee–

Katie: And you said my full name, “Katherine Sturino.” I started crying, then we had a beautiful meal.

John took my name. I think that felt like one of the biggest changes.

Harling: How long was the engagement?

Katie: A year. We got married the following summer. I wanted it to feel like a very “New York City” wedding, so we got married outside of the Cooper Hewitt, then we had dinner afterward at Polo Bar.

Harling: Did things feel different, when you got married?

Katie: John took my name. I think that felt like one of the biggest changes.

Harling: How did you decide to take Katie’s name?

John: Well, I’m in law school, so I was changing industries anyway. It just made sense for me to be the one to change my name. Katie already has her business, she’s established, and her name is part of that. It wasn’t a big deal for me. I could just as easily be John Sturino as I could be John Forkin, and I thought that if we were going to be a family, and have children, we should all have the same last name.

Katie: It’s very unusual still, though. At City Hall, they said they’ve only ever seen, like, two men do it. Friends and strangers think it’s cool, but I don’t think people who are close to us thought it was that cool [laughs].

John: It was an interesting process. You had to wait in so many lines, and go to multiple agencies. You could tell it wasn’t something men have to do that often. If they did, I think it would be much more streamlined. You’d be able to just bring your information to the wedding and do it all at once.

When I met Katie, I immediately stopped caring about all the stuff I always thought I should care about–house, kids, white picket fence. I just wanted to be with her.

Harling: Changing tacks slightly, if you could give advice to anyone who is looking for love, or a relationship, what would you tell them?

Katie: You go first.

John: You want me to go for it?

Katie: Yeah.

John: I would say look for what you want, and don’t stop until you find it. Be patient and don’t settle. This was easier for me when I met Katie, because I was 35, and I already had been divorced. I knew exactly what I wanted.

Harling: Did you have certain criteria in mind when you were going out and looking for someone, before you met Katie?

John: I have a specific type definitely, but I would say that meeting the right person clarifies what the most important criteria are. When I met Katie, I immediately stopped caring about all the stuff I always thought I should care about–house, kids, white picket fence. I just wanted to be with her.

Katie: When I first met John, he was in a Banana Republic sale rack T-shirt and jeggings, so my advice is to focus on what’s on the inside instead of getting caught up in the package [laughs]. Also, avoid dating in New York City, it’s a horrible place to date. Where did you meet your fiancé?

Harling: In Rhode Island, when we were 11.

Katie: See! Exactly. But anyways, back to my earlier point, you can always change the shoes or the overall aesthetic. It’s what’s inside that matters–like, for example, I had a good feeling about John as soon as I saw how he acted around the dogs.

Harling: I was going to ask about that. [Ed note: Katie has three rescue dogs.]

Katie: From the moment we started hanging out regularly, he was like, “All right, look, let’s go walk the dogs.” Which was a really big indicator to me. I enjoy walking them, but I wanted to be able to walk them with my partner. Having a partner who wanted to do that with me was a big deal.

Harling: It’s interesting—both of you kind of have the same theme running through your relationship advice.

Katie: What is it?

Harling: Knowing what matters. Focusing on the indelible aspects of someone’s character instead of obsessing over more superficial things that can easily change.

John: Awww.

Katie: That’s sweet. Don’t cry, John! [Ed note: John’s eyes look a little misty.]

I love his big heart. I love that he’s down for all sorts of adventure.

Harling: I have a couple more questions: What’s your biggest pet peeve about the other person?

Katie: He has road rage in the city. He’s really good at highway driving, but driving with him in the city is just awful.

John: If you cut me off behind the wheel, I’m mad at you.

Katie: You can’t even talk to him when that happens. He gets into a zone.

John: I feel like a lot of men become animals behind the wheel.

Harling: Especially in New York.

Katie: But I love driving in the city!

John: Yeah, she’ll pull me over and make me switch seats.

Harling: What about you, John? Any pet peeves?

John: She’s not great at being tidy. She will put things on the counter when there’s a garbage bin two feet away, I don’t understand it. Luckily I’m pretty good at tidying, so–

Katie: I’ll ruin a room in three minutes.

Harling: What do you love most about each other?

Katie: I love his big heart. I love that he’s down for all sorts of adventure. I could ask him right now, “Do you want to go see Diana the Broadway musical with me?” and I know he would be down to party.

John: Katie has an uncanny ability to make the world hers. I’ve never seen anybody else do it like she does. It’s incredible to watch.

Harling: And to think, it all started with an in-home visit from a new guy on the internet.

The post Katie and John Sturino Have a Really Good “First Date” Story appeared first on Man Repeller.

4 Questions About Sustaining Ongoing Allyship, Answered

After marching, setting up recurring donations, and engaging in important conversations on and offline in the wake of George Floyd’s murder, if you are a non-BIPOC reader, you may now be setting longterm plans for your role as an ally. We’re living through a time when the concept of longterm planning has pretty much gone out the window, but there are still ways to plot out your individual path in the fight against racial injustice. To learn more, we spoke to Hilary Moore, Leadership Team Member of the organization Showing Up for Racial Justice, about strategies for keeping the momentum going.

1. What are lifelong ways to commit to anti-racist work?

Find an organization. Become a member of an organization near you. Join an organization with campaigns that pressure the institutions upholding white supremacy. Join an organization that is moving toward the visions of a more just society, conceived by Black, Indigenous, and People of Color liberation movements. If that organization doesn’t exist where you are, start a chapter of an organization that you’re inspired by. Through organizations, we can do the important work of thinking and acting collectively. When we do that, we win.

2.We’ve seen equal, and valid, criticism leveled against optical allyship and non-optical allyship. What advice do you have for those struggling to find direction between these two?

Allyship as a concept is tricky because there is no exact formula. At its core, though, allyship cares about taking effective, meaningful action. If we begin from the understanding that we all have an invested interest in actualizing the demands set out by Black, Indigenous, and People of Color leaders, then allyship transforms from a tricky concept into questions about strategy — strategies that can shift power: What actions can my organization take to make the “Defund the Police” demand even more possible?

Everyone will benefit from the structural changes that the Movement for Black Lives is calling for. By defunding the police, we decrease police violence and we invest in housing, education, and healthcare that takes care of everyone. This is how we create real safety. Let’s let that sink in for a moment.

3.What are the distinctions between performative allyship and authentic, meaningful allyship?

One way to gauge meaningful allyship is to assess for effectiveness. How much money did we raise for the Movement for Black Lives or local groups responding to police riots across the U.S.? How many new white people joined our “end white silence” action at the doors of the police department, and how many of those new white people came to our next planning meeting? How many free, nutritious lunches did we make for people taking action in the streets? How many signatures did we acquire to pressure our city council members to defund the police?

4. Is there a good rule of thumb for knowing when to speak up?

When you witness a racist attack—by police or vigilantes—get in the way. When you hear something racist that could put people’s lives in danger, speak out. Being part of an anti-racist organization can help us to develop an intuition about when to listen deeply and when to speak up. Anyone can learn these anti-racist skills.

Graphic by Lorenza Centi.

The post 4 Questions About Sustaining Ongoing Allyship, Answered appeared first on Man Repeller.

Can You Ever Feel “Ready” for Kids? 400 Readers Weighed In

Two of my best friends are pregnant. It’s thrilling, and joyous, and makes me want to get on the next plane to Australia to gently squeeze their bellies (after a two-week quarantine in a budget hotel room). Their announcements, which both came within a few weeks of each other, also got me thinking: How did my friends, so similar to me in so many ways, decide that they were ready for kids? What is this feeling that they both experienced, that I have not?

The concept of “feeling ready” to have a baby—and the idea that this feeling might, in some ways, be a myth—is complex. Even between my friends who are parents, there are so many conflicting opinions. Mystified and intrigued by so many different answers to the same question, I decided to create a survey, asking the parents of the Man Repeller community: How did you know you were ready to have kids?

Within those 400+ replies, there were a lot of complex feelings—opinions that shifted after birth, concerns that were validated, regrets, and overwhelming joy. Below, a selection of enlightening, thoughtful, and honest responses from the Man Repeller community.

Thoughts on What “Ready for a Baby” Feels Like

“If you think you’d be fine on your own as a single parent—whether you’re currently coupled up or not—you’re ready.”

“Confidence that your self-worth is about who you are—not your social life, the cool events you go to, or what you look like.”

“Mostly the readiness to sacrifice, to take responsibility, and to step into the unknown.”

“I lived my childless life to the fullest. I moved abroad fresh out of college, I slept tons, I traveled whenever I could, I partied (which was important to me at the time), and I entertained friends and family constantly. Once I met my husband, we spent seven years doing much of the same. Once we had our son, we’d both reached a point where we wanted to live life at a slower pace, spend our time at home, and focus our attention on someone besides ourselves. (Though in hindsight, there was definitely too much attention on that new little baby and not enough on us!)”

“Knowing what severe sleep deprivation feels like, and being willing to give up all your wants for the foreseeable future.”

“I had mostly conquered the Saturday night FOMO that haunted me through my 20s and early 30s. I also married someone with whom I’d done a lot of work and therapy to get to a stable place.”

“My values shifted. Solitude, fun, and spontaneity became a little less urgent than wanting to know what parenting was like.”

“I was never that excited about having kids because I understood that it would be super challenging, and I try to avoid a lot of responsibility. I was more ready to have kids than I was keen on wanting them. I was ready to take it on, and I remain fully committed, but that didn’t come from any expectations of experiencing joy in parenting. You can’t use the hope for joy as your main motivator for parenting, because you still have to do the best job you can even if it makes you miserable and you hate it. Understanding that is how I understand being ready for kids.”

“Knowing that you want children in the long run. If you see your life with kids in it, then at some point… you just have to have them.”

“Wanting it more than not wanting it.”

On Whether “Feeling Ready” Is a Myth

“My best friend from childhood had a baby when she was 25, living in NYC. Twenty-five in New York felt like 16-and-pregnant everywhere else. Her mother-in-law told her that no matter when you have one, you are never ready for a baby. And I really think that’s true. I always wanted kids and was so eager to get pregnant, but when my daughter was here I wasn’t really ‘ready’ for any of it. So much of pregnancy and birth was a mystery to me, and even at 30 I had very few local friends who had kids. I felt alone in a way I had never felt before. So even though I felt ‘ready’ I don’t think I was any more ready than my friend had been five years earlier.”

“I thought I was, but boy, was I wrong. I had lots of experience working with kids. I have multiple related bachelor’s degrees, as well as a masters in a related social work field. Additionally, I was one of five kids and raised by a school teacher. Still, I had no clue just how hard it would be. There is no level of realistic ‘readiness’ in my opinion.”

“It’s not truly possible to be fully ready for motherhood. I think it’s often confused with excitement. I think it’s possible to be prepared, sure, in the sense of buying all the things. But ‘ready’ is just not possible, because once you’re actually a mom you realize there is so much more to it. It’s an ever-changing situation.”

“I personally knew I would never be fully ready for kids, so I just had to dive in. It was fucking scary. I was not excited to be pregnant because I was not confident I could be a good parent, even though I knew I wanted children.”

“I don’t think you can ever truly be ready for the emotional hurricane about to turn your life, body, and world upside down. But I would say that waiting is key. I had a fruitful and fun decade in my 20s, so now that I’m house-bound I don’t have any feelings of regret.”

“I never felt ‘ready’—I just felt that I wanted to extend the family I created with my husband. I was more a ‘want’ rather than a ‘being ready.’”

“I felt ready, but in actuality I was not. But, you manage! Blind confidence helped me get through a terrible pregnancy. You cannot understand how little you are ready until the babe is in your arms and you get to take them home from the hospital without so much as a test or questionnaire about being an actual parent.”

On How Feelings Shifted After Birth

“There’s a lot of mourning that comes with accepting motherhood. Letting go of what I had and what could’ve been was the only way I could be happy as a mother. I had a surprise kid while on birth control and had only two months to prepare for my daughter. I have a college degree, a career, and a village of support, so I decided I had the means to raise my daughter well, rather than putting her up for adoption. (Abortion wasn’t an option since she was so far along.) And then, I became a single mother a year ago and had to re-commit to being a mother again since my reality was substantially different from when I first made my decision. I didn’t know my ex was going to choose a typical millennial life over his daughter, but it happened and I had to adjust. It was way too late to be a factor of being ready, and more about willfully changing my mindset and constructing a reality I could live with.”

“One thing I naively did not realize was the constantness of it all. The baby is always there. And the baby always needs you. The closest thing to ‘free time’ is scrolling through Instagram one-handed at 4 a.m. while your baby is attached to your leaky boob.”

“I was surprised at how naturally caring for a child came to me once she arrived. I no longer really yearn to have nights out with friends, and when I do have the opportunity to go out, it feels more special. Financially, I have found alternatives to shopping and ways of treating myself—I use Rent the Runway instead of dropping $300 on a nice dress that I’ll wear once or twice, we stay in and cook a nice meal instead of going out, and I’ve learned to appreciate a lot of the ‘free’ amenities that the city offers, like libraries and parks.”

“Honestly? I felt guilty because it was hard, and I couldn’t believe that this was the new reality. I wanted out. I wanted a break. I dreamed of leaving the house to nip to the shops and instead checking into a hotel, taking a bath, and sleeping forever. I now know that those feelings are normal.”

“After giving birth I realized that ‘readiness’ was mostly referring to a mother’s ability to survive within a capitalist patriarchal society. For the most part, mothers still lack support in society, so readiness is really about having all the things that would allow a mother to continue to participate in society despite having kids. That is: steady employment or financial stability, a co-parent or a support network, ability to secure child care. Without these things, a mother’s ability to participate in society becomes negligible.”

“I realized after having our daughter that I wasn’t really ready at all! The expression ‘all the gear but no idea’ springs to mind. We were ready in the sense that we had all of the practical elements in place, but it’s difficult to put into words what a baby needs from you. And I mean on a constant cycle, all day, every day. I found it difficult to adjust to the fact I felt there was never any time for anything else apart from keeping the baby happy. I also felt (and still feel) deeply guilty about not really enjoying it.”

“I did a complete 360. I thought I had made a huge mistake and wasn’t supposed to be a mother. Having a newborn was the hardest experience ever.”

“The most shocking thing to me coming back from the hospital after having my son was not having the independence to say, ‘I’m going somewhere, I don’t know when I’ll be back.’ If you’re someone who is very independent and enjoys doing things out of the blue then it will take time to adjust. I feel horrible saying it, but it is the truth. However, I love my baby with all my heart, and even though it took a few months to adapt, I would not change it for anything in the world.”

On What They Wish They Knew Before Becoming Parents

“It took a while—we’re talking years—to settle into it. I didn’t even like being called a mom for a while because I had preconceived ideas of what a mom actually was. I’d tell myself that not everyone instantly loves parenthood, and you can come to love it incrementally. Also, I’d tell myself to enjoy the sweetness of the moment and stop worrying so much. I also read somewhere that comparison steals joy. It’s so true. Don’t get drawn into comparisons with other parents, pregnancies, and kids—resist it at all costs!”

“Take your time and don’t rush. Be ready, feel ready, as it is a tough job, but also a rewarding one, beyond what words can explain. If your biological clock is ticking, then I’ll say go for it—you won’t regret it, and you will become ready once the little one is there. That toothless smile is everything!”

“I wish I had kids sooner, but I’m glad I finished my degree first. I watched a friend do her degree with kids, and she didn’t get everything out of it that I was able to. I think you’ll never feel completely ‘ready,’ but I do think you have to feel confident you want kids. The one feeling you shouldn’t ignore is the feeling you might not want kids at all.”

“Don’t focus so much on the material readiness. Instead you should travel, go out to eat, and spend time with your partner because your quality time spent together is going to help postpartum and solidify the bond as life partners through thick and thin.”

“I didn’t really come to grips with how my career would be put on complete pause. Unless you can afford a good daycare or babysitter, it really slows things down. My twin boys weren’t planned but I did have seven months, then one month in the hospital to get mentally ready before giving birth. That said, even if you’re ready financially, maybe you might not be emotionally. It’s a ride regardless. Awesome ups and downs.”

“My pre-baby self was very optimistic and naive about the ability of a mother being able to pursue a career, other interests, and hobbies after having kids. I would tell my pre-baby self that it’s going to be a lot harder than you think and that you’re going to have to work a lot more than you think in order to be able to ‘do it all.’”

“Save more. Losing my job while pregnant and then husband getting laid-off has been a little stressful, but it did lead to me setting up my own business. You’re never ready—it’s all so unknown: emotionally, physically, financially, and romantically (it can be a bust on your sex life.)”

“It’s not about being prepared, it’s about being available. New things happen everyday that you can’t prepare for—you just need to be available to attend to them.”

Graphic by Lorenza Centi.

The post Can You Ever Feel “Ready” for Kids? 400 Readers Weighed In appeared first on Man Repeller.

You Look Moist: An Instagram-Famous Makeup Artist on How She Cares for Her Skin

Welcome to You Look Moist, a column in which Man Repeller asks cool people with glowing visages how they achieved their supreme hydration (amongst other things). Today’s installment features Ali a.k.a. Sweet Mutuals, a makeup artist known for creating conceptual looks using her own face as a canvas.

How would you describe your skin?

I typically have oily skin, but the amount of makeup I wear for my job can sometimes dry it out, so the biggest challenge is trying to keep it balanced. Other than that, my skin isn’t too complicated.

How would you describe your skincare approach in general?

I would say it’s “medium-maintenance.” I only use a small rotation of products. Drinking water is the most intensive part of my routine. I try to drink a gallon a day.

Which skincare products are integral to your routine for achieving your ideal, glowing, well-moisturized complexion, and how/when do you use each of them?

In order to keep my skin healthy and hydrated, I use Drunk Elephant’s B-Hydra Intensive Hydration Serum, Mad Hippie’s Vitamin C Serum, and Revolution’s Green Tea and Collagen Hydrating & Plumping Serum day and night, followed by Drunk Elephant’s Virgin Marula Luxury Facial Oil. I also do a face mask 2-3 times a week. My favorites are The Ordinary AHA 30% BHA 2% Peeling Solution, which makes my face feel smooth and clean and Apieu Banana Sheet Mask, which gives me so much moisture and a lovely glow.

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What about makeup products?

Even though I’m a makeup artist, I don’t really wear makeup unless I’m photographing myself, or doing a promotional shoot or interview. I started experimenting with makeup almost two years ago, using my mother’s makeup products that are God-knows-how-old, simply because I didn’t see anyone else doing the kinds of looks I was interested in, and because it’s fun! Putting on makeup just for the sake of it is challenging and daring, and I love that feeling. Some of my go-to products are Fenty Beauty Gloss Bomb Universal Lip Luminizer, Huda Beauty Life Liner Double Ended Eyeliner Liquid & Pencil, and Claropsyche’s Real Fantasy palette for eyeshadow.

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What’s the cheapest product you use regularly and love?

I am in love with Covergirl’s Outlast All Day Lipcolor Transparent Clear Top Coat. It gives you shine like lipgloss does, and hydration the same way chapstick does. It’s the best of both worlds.

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Is there anything you try to avoid, skincare- or makeup-wise?

I try to avoid any cleansers that have alcohol in them–my favorite cleanser is Cosrx Low PH Good Morning Cleanser Gel. Matte foundation is also something I try to steer clear of as well. Instead, I really like Fenty Beauty Pro Filt’r in the shade 460.

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Any next-level tips, tricks, or services that you swear by to help you look “lit from within”?

Drinking water. If it wasn’t for my father emphasizing how important this is, I have no idea what my skin would look like. Water is nature’s cure for almost anything, and it is integral in making my skin look its best. Apart from that, I would say that meditation has helped my skin as well. Clearing the mind seems to clear the small bumps on my forehead. A clear mind equals a clear face.

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In a Post-COVID Era, We All Get Another First Kiss

It’s now been nearly seven months since I was kissed. It was a first-date kiss with someone I’d met on the subway during rush hour the day prior. It was a good first kiss, better than I’d expected it to be. He had moves. Mid-goodnight kiss, he gently bit my top lip, playfully tugging on it between his teeth just enough for it to be sexy and exciting, not cannibalistic. It’s a classic kissing move that I expressly remember reading about in some women’s mag article when I was young enough that I’d not yet felt another human’s tongue touching my own tongue. I wonder if, at some point in our adolescence, we read the same magazine.

Despite the promising meet-cute and our well-matched smooching styles, that whole thing went nowhere rather quickly. But the memory of a good kiss can often become valuable collateral for an experience that doesn’t exactly live up to it. Now I can just play the hits in the movie theater in my mind, as I’ve just done again.

Some would call this a precautionary cruelty.

For the past three or four months now, the COVID-19 pandemic has forbidden any mouth-to-mouth closeness, let alone contact. (The city of New York has even issued a government-sanctioned guide to COVID intimacy in the interest of harm reduction, knowing full well that its 8 million or so inhabitants are not likely to practice total abstinence.) The mouth and nose must be covered when in proximity to other noses and mouths, so you can’t even really admiringly gaze at another set of lips either (restraint stoke thy desire).

Some would call this a precautionary cruelty. I consider it a challenge for the most amorous worms in my brain to concoct a reverie to rival the most gratuitous of romance genres—K-dramas, southern vampires, and white-collar BDSM notwithstanding. If you’re single, like moi, we are finding ourselves at a unique cultural tipping point to premeditate our very own first post-COVID kiss.

The notion of “risking it all” is now entirely too literal.

I’ve had my share of forgettable kisses in the past. They’ve made me appreciate how a really good kiss with someone I’m totally into can be way more intimate than sex. I’m pretty sure my lips have more prurient muscle memory than my vagina does. In all my days of kissing, I find that there are often two sides: fondly remembering good kisses (as mentioned above) and fantasizing about future kisses and their subsequent future kissees.

Like all first kisses, I imagine that “the new kissing” will come with its own share of neurosis. But instead of hoping that my breath is inoffensive and making sure that we don’t bump teeth, I’ll likely be mentally calculating the potential for either spreading or contracting a particularly deadly virus. The notion of “risking it all” is now entirely too literal.

I wonder if fantasizing alone can short circuit my brain into releasing the same tantalizing amounts of dopamine and serotonin as kissing itself.

For those practicing enough due diligence, that may not be a dire concern, especially if you’ve been “seeing” someone exclusively for long enough that your pre-first-base precautions become a worthwhile wait for carefree kissing—with the kind of sincerity that follows the sharing of some key intimate knowledge to inspire an emotional trust that wouldn’t necessarily precede a fun club-night pash with a stranger. Those kinds of exciting first kisses would sometimes spin me out of the moment and into dissociative fretting about where this kiss is leading.

Now that summer, the magical long-lit season of romance, is upon us, I’ve been thinking about this a fair bit, as I imagine many of us are—so much so, that I wonder if fantasizing alone can short circuit my brain into releasing the same tantalizing amounts of dopamine and serotonin as kissing itself. In my brain’s most indulgent kissing chronicles, I am confident and unhurried, I never feel pressured, and I am able to gracefully vibe with any suitor’s smooch style, like the professional dancer counterpart to some Dancing With the Stars duo. I imagine that some non-corny romantic music is playing at a subdued volume, as someone holds my round little face in their hands and kisses the living daylights out of me. And only when we part for a necessary breath, will I then gaze into the eyes of my post-pandemic paramour and say, “This is what I’ve been waiting for.

Image via Backgrid

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