Leandra Medine's Blog, page 102
July 17, 2019
I Recreated Jacquemus Runway Looks From My Own Wardrobe
When I decided to tackle Jacquemus for this month’s “runway copycat” column, I found the Socrates quote “know thyself” rattling around in the back of my mind (shaken free from wherever it is that I store all the irritating adages I picked up in Philosophy 101). The Jacquemus look is simple, sleek, and blaringly sexy. My look, on the other hand, tends to favor rhinestones, frills, and multiplicities of pattern. I am not your typical Jacquemus girl. This being said, I am a girl with two eyes and a heart, and I was thus moved when images of models traipsing a hot pink pathway through fields of lavender at the 10-year Jacquemus anniversary show flooded the internet last month. While I might not align myself with the Jacquemus aesthetic, there is no denying that Simon Porte Jacquemus has carved out a niche for himself with an unwavering vision of skimpy, sun-soaked, endless vacations. On paper, I can find no fault with said vision, so perhaps there could be something in there for me! Is it laying dormant in my closet? I suppose there is no better time than the hot, humid present to find out.
Look #1: S/S 2020 Menswear, Beach Blazer
Right off the bat, Jacquemus won me over with this one. I love this pale pink blazer, but every time I wear it I feel a bit like I’m dressed as an alternate, corporate version of myself. The addition of a T-shirt and swim trunks feels equal parts playful and polished. I am left wondering if Jacquemus’s sexed-up sensibility lends itself to menswear in a more unexpected, cheeky way.
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Look #2: S/S 2020 Menswear, Le Touriste
The absence of prints in Jacquemus’s clothing was my biggest concern when I embarked upon this experiment. One would be hard-pressed to find something that is not patterned or embroidered in my closet, so I was delighted to seethe introduction of cheerful, oversized florals in the most recent show. I must admit I would never wear flip-flops outside of this photograph. The feeling of my big toe separated from the rest is so strange to me that I’m baffled anyone can walk around in them all day! They did, however, seem like the only shoes light and breezy enough to approximate this look, so I borrowed a pair from my mom.
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Look #3: S/S 2018, La Bomba
Now, I don’t use this word lightly, but the video campaign that accompanied Jacquemus’s La Bomba collection was iconic. The whole show was sun-blushed with escapism in the way that fashion can be at its very best, capable of conjuring rich memories, true or imagined, with little more than a piece of fabric. As I mentioned earlier, however, strappy dresses and sandals are not really my thing, and a leotard in the same shade of ballet-class blue seemed truer to myself. I was actually asked to leave the Coney Island theme park for sporting a version of this “not family-friendly” outfit last summer. This debacle is probably the opposite of the Campari-sipping, Capri-vacationing experience for which Jacquemus designed these looks, but whatever.
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Look #4: S/S 2019 Menswear, Suit sans Shirt
All I can see here is untapped potential for more accessories. I need a wallet to sling around my neck, but I also want big Baroque pearl earrings, patterned socks to pair with my sandals, and a smattering of barrettes–none of which would likely be approved by Jacquemus. Restraint is not my strong suit, but do I get points for trying?
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Look #5: S/S 2017, Hat O’Clock
This is an iteration of the Jacquemus look that I can get behind: polka dots, puff sleeves, and a comically large sun hat. It was too hot to even think about donning pants the day I photographed this story, so I opted for a pair of micro-short crochet bikini bottoms, which seemed a very Jacquemus choice. I actually wore this outfit the following night sans hat, though, in retrospect, the hat might have served me well as a barrier to keep people from stepping on my naked toes.
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To be perfectly honest, when I set out on this Jacquemus experiment, I expected to be able to wrap it up with a neat quip that I needn’t have been so stuck in my ways, there was a little bit of Jacquemus near to my heart all along. Instead, I found the words from Molly Fischer’s phenomenal article “The Pleasure of Sitting Out a Trend” rattling in my brain all week as I pulled things from my closet: “The opposite of this…My personal style is the opposite of this.” I liked the leotard, but that seems a bit of a cop-out given that it’s something I regularly wear anyway.
It’s not that I take offense to the Jacquemus style at all–I admire people who can make little more than a spaghetti strap and a sandal look like a full-blown outfit. And I am not uncomfortable with traditionally sexy clothing! Though it took some hard work, I am proud to have a genuinely positive attitude toward my body and all its capabilities. I am thus sure that my qualms here are purely aesthetic. I realize now that I tend to view my body as a craft project or a magpie’s nest, something with infinite potential to be decorated and decoupaged, rather than a race car that must be pared to its most lustrous, aerodynamic essentials. As far as I can tell, the only overlap between my style and that of Jacquemus is our shared affinity for heartbreakingly tiny bags.
I think I still pulled off a worthy approximation of the looks above, and should I ever meet the man himself, I suppose I can proffer him these half-baked attempts at minimalism as some sort of anniversary present. Until then, however, I’ll be in my puff sleeves and my ditsy florals and my clunky, inelegant shoes. I am positive now that I am not tiptoeing around anything in fear. I just…know myself.
Photos provided by Vogue Runway and Ruby Redstone.
The post I Recreated Jacquemus Runway Looks From My Own Wardrobe appeared first on Man Repeller.
Eva Victor Is Making Me Love Twitter Again
Starting here with an understatement…
Twitter is sometimes not a fun place to be. This is—as it relates to the current state of global affairs—totally appropriate. But it is also a sad fact.
Occasionally, I feebly punish the universe for this reality by deleting Twitter off my phone. Sometimes I do it for a weekend, or a week, but after a while, going completely without it never feels quite right. And lately, this not-all-that-effective form of self-care has been harder for me to commit to—because now there is Eva Victor.
The comedian and writer’s posts started popping up during one of my previous bouts of Twitterlessness, and following her account upon my return has transformed my feed. I still get the news (and news analysis) that makes Twitter valuable and necessary in my view, but the overall milieu of the app is now balanced out by her videos, which are impressively frequent and watch-on-a-forever-loop funny. Of course there are lots of funny people on Twitter—but Victor stands out to me for having found her own unique way of taking the day’s news and turning it into something that qualifies as both biting commentary and the same kind of lighthearted, bizzaro humor that made Vine so loveable. (Also… I often like her outfits.)
She started posting videos regularly in the spring, but they’ve really taken off this summer, so maybe you’re already a fan. (Vulture interviewed her last summer, before she became known for her videos, and she’s written for Reductress and more recently for The New Yorker, too.) But maybe you are not yet initiated. In which case: How lucky for you! For those who qualify as the former, consider this post a greatest hits for you to re-visit now or the next time you need a morale boost. For the latter, please allow Eva Victor to make Twitter a more habitable—dare I say enjoyable!—place starting now.
Without further delay, I submit some of Victor’s best Twitter videos—both as entertainment for you, but also as proof that she needs her own show as soon as possible. I’ve put them into a few naturally occurring categories below.
Explaining Things to Her “Boyfriend”
On Why Pay Equity “Makes No Sense”
me explaining to my boyfriend why equal pay makes actually no sense AT ALL !! pic.twitter.com/eCBSD25YTK
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) July 7, 2019
On Why They Should Go to the Straight Pride Parade
me explaining to my boyfriend why we’re going to straight pride pic.twitter.com/ZtXpLaV05s
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 4, 2019
On How Sunscreen Works
me explaining how sunscreen works to my boyfriend pic.twitter.com/IaJg2GAC5D
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 4, 2019
Hyper-Specific Impressions
Every Democrat at the First 2020 Presidential Debate
me being a very good Democrat pic.twitter.com/16Th42B8d8
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 28, 2019
A Person Who Is “Just Completely Wrong”
this is a person who is just like completely wrong pic.twitter.com/7BR2k9x7tB
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 26, 2019
Coco Rocha Posing
if u know u know .. pic.twitter.com/CmBhv6K0IH
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) July 1, 2019
Fleabag
me fleabagging alone on a thursday night pic.twitter.com/VS0Rl0poCC
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) May 31, 2019
The Robert Mueller of Your Office
me muellering in the office break room at lunch today pic.twitter.com/s8JPGz5qOp
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) May 29, 2019
Extremely Relatable Impressions
Explaining Depression to Someone Who Does Not Have It:
me trying to explain depression to someone who does not have it pic.twitter.com/DKDionWOO0
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) March 29, 2019
Killing It on a First Date:
me freaking killing it on a first date pic.twitter.com/d1xTYVEUnt
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 10, 2019
Getting a New Gingham Outfit:
today so far pic.twitter.com/mHuda9zpKz
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) May 20, 2019
Following Eva Victor on Twitter has caused the algorithmic Gods to send a few other really funny, newer comedians my way lately. (Megan Stalter is one whose videos keep making me laugh.) BUT I’m greedy for more, and wouldn’t mind if you obliged me with your favorite recent follow, either!
Feature photo via Eva Victor.
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I Got My Fertility Checked Before Wanting Kids. Would You?
My attitude has mostly been assumptive: I’ve always imagined I’d eventually become a parent. I’m sure that’s as much a consequence of my personality as the time I grew up (the optimistic 90s) and my home life (where there were two happy parents who loved Parenting). There were years when my interest waned, when I believed apathy made me edgy—or more delusionally, a stauncher feminist—but I always came back around. Still, I’ve often worried that, in the end, it won’t actually be up to me, at least not biologically. So when the opportunity arose to have my fertility assessed while I was researching the topic for a story, I knew I would say yes, even if it meant facing some bad news. Better to know, right?
My appointment was with Trellis Health, a fertility clinic with a beautiful sun-drenched space in the Flatiron district, and I’d soon learn it’s not in the business of telling cis-women whether they’ll be able to get pregnant. In fact, such an assessment isn’t exactly possible—although there are myriad ways to get close. Trellis is primarily an egg-freezing clinic, and my consultation would be focused on reviewing my candidacy for that process—which, while definitely relevant to my fertility, isn’t the whole story.
The visit started with a small disappointment: the ultrasound would not involve a technician moving a wand around on my stomach like in the movies. It would be transvaginal, which is decidedly less joyous (although seeing my full bladder cheered me up). The point of the ultrasound, technically called an Antral Follicle Count, was to determine the number of mature follicles on my ovaries, which correlates to the number of eggs I have left. Unsettling fact I learned soon after: Female babies are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have; they deplete throughout the course of our lives and finally run out around menopause.
An unusually low follicle count (for your age) can indicate premature ovarian failure; an extremely high one can indicate polycystic ovarian syndrome. My right ovary had six. “Is that right?” I asked the technician. She replied with a neutral hum, which I took to mean I was. When she moved to my left ovary and counted 15, she exhaled. “21 follicles!” she said, withholding further analysis “Now you can go pee.”
Next I had my blood drawn, which isn’t worth regaling, but it was done to check my anti-mullerian hormone (AMH), another indicator of egg reserves. Mine was 2.99, a number that meant nothing to me at first, but which I still wanted to be 3, in a competitive sense.
The last part of the assessment involved sitting down with an egg-freezing specialist to learn about the process and then consulting with a doctor to have my numbers analyzed. It was there that I learned about one’s “prime reproductive years” (18-26), the way fertility, on average, takes its first big hit around 32 and its second around 35, and that conception after that is often referred to as a “geriatric pregnancy,” which must be the most dramatic medical term in existence. I’d heard this stuff before, but hearing it in this setting—and recognizing its increasing relevance to my life—stung more than expected.
I was relieved to learn that my numbers all fall within an average, healthy range though: Although sources vary a bit, anywhere between 12 and 35 visible follicles points to normal, good, or excellent ovarian reserves for a woman my age, and a typical AMH level in a fertile woman is between 1.0 and 4.0. I also learned I’m a good candidate for egg-freezing, although I’m not currently interested (the process costs around $10,000—it’s broken down really well on Trellis’ site).
After the appointment I felt palpably weird, and like maybe I should have kids immediately, despite not actually wanting them yet. On some levels, despite feeling well taken care of at Trellis (it really is a lovely place with lovely people), I felt unsatisfied; I’d have preferred the doctor tell me I am so fertile I shouldn’t sneeze in the vicinity of sperm unless I’m ready to parent. But doctors never say things with that level of certainty (sometimes it feels like a field of educated guesses), and fertility is complicated. As I was told multiple times: Pregnancy only takes one egg, so a woman with low ovarian reserves might get naturally pregnant before a woman with high reserves—there are several other contributing factors.
Later that night I mentioned I’d had my fertility assessed on my Instagram Story and my DMs blew up. First came a flurry of questions: What was it like? Would I recommend it? Am I fertile? Should they do it? Then came opinions: We don’t discuss fertility enough; we discuss it too much; the biological clock is overblown. Then came personal anecdotes: women who were struggling with fertility; women who felt pressure to have kids; and most of all—and these messages came in droves—young women with a subtle, haunting fear of being infertile.
I was taken aback by the level of impassioned interest, which stood in contrast to the low volume of conversation on the topic in my day-to-day life. It made me wonder if the chasm between how often women think about fertility and how often they talk about it is growing. As a very vocal generation on the topics of career aspirations and social and political issues, it makes sense that something like the ability to conceive might take a backseat, especially among progressive crowds who want to change the narrative around what women are supposed to do and be. But that doesn’t mean the anxiety doesn’t exist.
One DM pointed me to a feature The Atlantic ran back in 2013. “How Long Can You Wait to Have a Baby?” the headline asks. In the piece, writer and psychological researcher Jean M. Twenge examines the quality of the public discourse around the topic. She knew that scientific findings are often quite different from what the public eventually hears and spreads—was that the case here? “I scoured medical-research databases,” she writes, “and quickly learned that the statistics on women’s age and fertility—used by many to make decisions about relationships, careers, and when to have children—were one of the more spectacular examples of the mainstream media’s failure to correctly report on and interpret scientific research.”
Take the widely circulated statistic that a third of women 35 to 39 won’t be pregnant within a year of trying (and almost as many will never succeed). Apparently this finding is based on a 2004 article in a medical journal, which used French birth records from 1670-1830. Twenge writes: “In other words, millions of women are being told when to get pregnant based on statistics from a time before electricity, antibiotics, or fertility treatment. Most people assume these numbers are based on large, well-conducted studies of modern women, but they are not.”
In fact, only a few of those kinds of studies have been conducted, and according to Twinge, they aren’t quite so ominous. She points to a 2004 study which found that, “with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds. (The fertility of women in their late 20s and early 30s was almost identical—news in and of itself.)” Twenge goes on to lay out the possible biases informing the whole conversation, and it’s worth the read if you think about this stuff a lot.
Fertility will always naturally correlate with age—not even the most thorough study will tell us otherwise. For those who can afford it, egg-freezing is a great way to take the pressure off. But the speed at which our fertility is declining is still somewhat up for debate in the scientific community. And based on the conversations I’ve had and the reading I’ve done over the last month, the language we’re using—prime years, ticking clocks, geriatric pregnancies—seems dramatic at best, fear-mongering at worst. Aside from contributing to an overall lack of nuance in the public discourse, these words have a way of shaming women harboring quiet fears.
Learning more about my reproductive health proved to be a productive kind of curtain-pulling. It startled me as much as it humbled me, and in the end, it encouraged me to finally do some of my own research. It shouldn’t have surprised me that the conversation around fertility has been simplified in favor of making us anxious—as so often happens in matters of women’s health—but it’s comforting to know there are people out there trying to change that.
Do you think about your fertility? Is it something you’re worried about? Do you feel like you have all the information, or like it’s more of a mystery? Would you get your fertility assessed before you wanted to have kids?
Illustrations by Amber Vittoria.
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July 16, 2019
Cool Earrings and Summer Cocktails: A Shoppable Love Story
Scroll down for the summeriest earring market report accompanied by expert tips for making their accompanying cockateels courtesy of The Standard’s head bartender, Simone Goldberg, and yes, I know a cockateel is a bird and not an alcoholic beverage but, like I’ve being saying: WHY NOT?
1. Cleopatra’s Bling Pegasus Flower Earrings, Paired With a Negroni
I enjoy these earrings because they prominently feature mythical creatures with flowers on top of their heads, which is just weird enough to be spectacular. The same thing could be said about a classic negroni, which combines gin, vermouth, and Campari and honestly tastes kind of bitter in a way I found to be off-putting the first time I tried one, but now I’m genuinely obsessed. I wish I was drinking one right now even though I’m at the office and still have two stories left to write before drinking a negroni would be advisable. Anyway! Simone recommends a 1:1:1 ratio of the three ingredients I just listed, with a fresh orange peel and a dash of orange bitters if you’re feeling wild. Her favorite vermouth is Dolin Rogue, so that’s my favorite vermouth now too.
2. Marni Mod Earrings, Paired With a Basic Booch
If I had to pick one pair of earrings that encapsulated who I want to be this summer, it’s this pair. I love that they look like perfectly spherical slices of jello. I love that they’re clip-on. I love that they would look perfect with a tweed jacket and track shorts. You know what would also look perfect with a tweed jacket and track shorts? This cucumber-swirled beverage (!), which Simone invented herself (!!). It’s called the Basic Booch and I had a sip of it while on set for this shoot and almost drank the whole thing because if one sip was that refreshing then imagine what 20 sips would be like? Are you imagining it??? Don’t answer that, you’re probably too relaxed, but if you want to join me in making it at home whilst entertaining some friends or just yourself, all you have to do is mix together kombucha, cucumber juice, and a spirit of your personal preference.
3. Repeller “Becoming” Series, Paired With a Tom Collins
Repeller’s Becoming Series, with its cocoon, caterpillar, and butterfly crew, is a celebration of transition . Every phase of life! A 3-in-1 special! I’m personally in the cocoon stage, I think, but I’m not stage-loyal when it comes to which of these I will most certainly be decorating my ears with (see: all of them). They’re paired with a Tom Collins because a Tom Collins is basically lemonade for grown-ups, and that felt like a good fit. All you need is gin, lemon juice, a little sugar, and some sparkling water, and ****DAD JOKE ALERT**** you’ll becoming back in no time.
4. Alterita Limonana Glass Hoops, Paired With a Bloody Mary
A good summer earring and a good Bloody Mary are only as good as their garnishes. These glass hoops from Alterita have that handled thanks to the citrus fruits that hang from them like a scene straight out of the Napa Valley. Ditto for the bloody and its bouquet of olives. Simone likes her Bloody Mary recipe heavy on Worcestershire, with a touch of Clamato for a nice, salty finish. She recommends blending your horseradish before mixing it in so you don’t feel like you’re eating your drink. You have your earring lemons for that!
5. Alighieri Baroque Pearl Earrings, Paired With a Mint Julep
I have a thing for jewelry that happens to be shaped like a human body part. Give me a silver elbow and I’ll give you a smile. Give me a golden hand and I’ll give you all my teeth. Just kidding, but I’m not kidding about my affection for these majestic beauties. As for the mint julep, all you *technically* need to make one is bourbon, mint, and some crushed ice, but Simone likes to add lime juice and simple syrup. “Like a mojito,” she said. “Like a snow cone!” I said.
6. Roxanne Assoulin Flower Power Studs, Paired with an Aperol Spritz
As fun as a dangler can be, I’m recently very into studs. I abandoned them for a while because they reminded me too much of my youth, but now that’s exactly what I want to be reminded of, you know? Plus, there are so many better ones available for purchase these days, like Roxanne Assoulin’s shoppable bouquet. They’re adorable enough to make me want to get multiple piercings all up and down my ear and walk around like a human greenhouse–or an orange segment floating on top of an Aperol spritz. For spritzes, Sophia reassured that you really don’t have to spend much to make it taste good. Cheap prosecco will definitely do the job–just combine that with equal parts soda and Aperol, and you’re good to greenhouse.
7. Brinker & Eliza Beacon Huggie Earrings, Paired with a Crème du Jour
No two seashells are exactly the same, which means no two of these earrings are exactly the same, and if that isn’t a metaphor for something I don’t know what is!! Not sure if the same mantra applies to a crème du jour, but let’s say it does for the sake of my journalistic narrative. I do, however, know that this is an extremely unique cocktail. It’s another Simone signature and made with Coco Lopez, a coconut cream you can find at most grocery stores for your DIY-ing pleasures (mix with rum and lime juice!). It adds a great coconut flavor to any cocktail according to Simone, and also according to me because I tried a sip and was nearly transported to an island in the process.
8. Maryam Nassir Zadeh Glass Ice Cube Earrings, Paired With Frosé
Earrings that resemble ice cubes are very fitting for a season in which that’s precisely what you’d like to stuff down your bra. I love that these from MNZ look like frozen cubes of rosé, which happens to be the star ingredient in the cocktail they’re paired with. I made a joke to Simone that frosé looks complicated but is actually probably really easy to make. (“Just blend rosé with ice in a blender, right? Hahaha.”) Wrong. Simone told me that making legitimately tasty, aesthetically pleasing frosé is actually kind of tricky. You can’t just pour rosé in a blender with ice and expect it to taste good, because it will turn out super-duper watery. You definitely have to mix some kind of hard liquor with it, and you have to finesse the ratios to make sure the beverage actually freezes properly. This is the one cocktail Simone recommends you order at a bar instead of trying to make at home, to which I say, why not!
Photographed by at The Standard, East Village. Simone’s signature cocktails can be found at The Garden this summer.
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Why Do I Care About What I Look Like During Sex?
Both my straight and gay girlfriends could empathize, though I did notice faking orgasms seemed more common among those of us in heterosexual relationships. While we hid the truth from our sexual partners, we’d reveal it to one another after a few glasses of wine. We excused our sexual trickery for myriad reasons: men didn’t know what they were doing, sex was harder for women, orgasms during intercourse were impossible. In the guys’ defense, we never actually communicated the issue. In our defense, we didn’t know how.
Sex might be everywhere, but it’s a notoriously taboo topic of discussion, especially when those discussing the subject are women. And with sex education programs focused more on the heterosexual logistics of intercourse—rather than desire and communication—many of us receive the majority of our information from personal experience or the media. Most of this media (from porn to American Pie to Spring Breakers to Mad Men) depicts sex and women from the perspective of a heterosexual male, an idea most eloquently captured in Laura Mulvey’s theory of the male gaze. For women, this sometimes means subconsciously learning to play a role in someone else’s game.
“The most common issue I see is women externalizing their sexual experience,” says Dr. Laurie Mintz, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida and author of Becoming Cliterate. “And on top of that, many of these women feel guilty about it, or wonder if something is wrong with them. But it’s a societal issue.”
It’s an interesting dilemma: to be obsessed with ourselves, but not for the benefit of ourselves.
Sexuality doula Isabella Frappier calls this “performative sex”—the act of engaging in sexual behavior specifically to benefit our partner with little to no connection to our own bodies. She also agrees with Dr. Mintz in that performative sex, or performative receiving, is “hands-down the number one thing she sees among vulva-owning clients.” Adding that “many of the women I work with are thinking, I hope I look like this or I hope he likes this. It can happen when we receive, too. We may think, Is he really enjoying this? or stress out about how our vaginas are perceived.”
It’s an interesting dilemma: to be obsessed with ourselves, but not for the benefit of ourselves. This isn’t necessarily surprising; according to Isabella, performative sex correlates with (and exacerbates) low-self esteem and anxiety. And while anxiety during sex is not limited to any particular gender, our society perpetuates a very male-centric sex narrative, making women and womxn especially susceptible to externalizing their sexual experiences. We’re taught to satisfy the needs of others even if it means sacrificing our own. We care about looking good during sex because we aim to please, and we aim to please because we’re told that’s what makes us valuable.
Upon entering my mid-twenties, I started asking myself why I continuously put my own pleasure on the back-burner. Was I really faking orgasms because I thought they were impossible to achieve, or was it because I felt embarrassed and unworthy to share what I wanted? The more comfortable I became with confronting those questions, the less comfortable I became letting old myths dictate my sexual experience. Once I started to weave my own story and instigate more open conversations with partners about my desires, I learned that a good partner is very, very happy to oblige.
Even so, I still experience the occasional urge to externalize—to view myself as a performer rather than an agent. According to Isabella and Dr. Mintz, this feeling is common among even the most sex-positive individuals, and illustrates how ingrained performative behavior can be. Below are some of their suggestions as to how we can step out of our brains and back into our bodies.
Change the sexual narrative.
“Many women don’t realize that they are having sex attached to extreme social constructs,” says Isabella. “Sex should end either [due to] shared pleasure or deciding to stop—not under this weird implicit agreement that it’s over after a penis ejaculates.” In other words, sex should end because both parties are ready for it to be over. This can mean communicating any remaining desires or simply agreeing that you’re both done, regardless of whether both parties have reached climax. Either way, the goal is to find something that works for you and your partner.
“Really identify the thoughts you have associated with sex,” Dr. Mintz adds. Other myths might include that orgasms occur purely from penetration, or worse, the idea that pain during sex is normal. “Focus on scripts that put reality and orgasm equality to the forefront.” Either way, the sexual “rule book” is ours for the making. Let it be a team effort between you and your partner rather than a dated narrative prescribed by everyone else.
Make sex mindful.
“The antidote to being externally focused is to be internally focused,” says Dr. Mintz. This doesn’t mean ignoring your partner’s desires, but rather honing in on the present moment in order to strengthen connection.
“Simply returning to the breath, or even syncing your breath with your partner can be extremely beneficial,” says Isabella. She also recommends “eye-gazing,” which literally means locking eyes with your partner in order to strengthen the connection between your bodies. If that much eye contact gives you the heebie-jeebies, you can also try body-gazing, or focusing on a certain area of you or your partner’s body (collarbones, hands, etc) that looks particularly sexy.
“It’s important that we’re slowing down and checking in with ourselves,” Isabella adds. “We aren’t meant to perform a show we’re barely watching.”
Find the courage to take up sexual space.
Like many women who experience performative sex, I needed a broader sexual journey. It wasn’t just about treating the symptoms, but asking myself why I didn’t feel entitled to pleasure and then finding ways to rekindle a stronger sense of self-worth.
Isabella, who runs the 1600+ member Facebook group, “Sex Positive Women of the Universe,” instituted “Feelin’ Yourself Friday,” a day when members of the group post a selfie to share. In this case, “caring about what we look like” doesn’t come from a place of fear or externalization, but rather deep appreciation and curiosity for our physical vessels. I remember taking my first selfie to share with the group—I wore a cotton t-shirt and my favorite pair of underwear, and laid on my bed in the gray morning light. My definition of sexy. In that moment, I eliminated the male gaze and strengthened my own.
Yes, our society’s attitudes and perspectives toward sex need to change. But a good way to start might be on a personal level, as we learn to “feel ourselves” (and not just on Fridays). Perhaps this is where we find true connection: both to our partners and the one in the mirror.
Photo via Getty Images.
The post Why Do I Care About What I Look Like During Sex? appeared first on Man Repeller.
You Look Moist: An Oil Enthusiast Who Doesn’t Obsess Over Pimples
Welcome to You Look Moist, a regular column wherein Man Repeller asks cool people with glowing visages how they achieved their supreme hydration (amongst other things). Today’s installment features Mekdela Maskal, a media worker and community engagement strategist.
How would you describe your skin?
Very telling! It speaks to me every day, giving me clues about my overall health and how it measures time. I’ve never had to worry about serious skin illnesses or sun damage, and haven’t ever had extensive breakouts, so I’m very thankful for that. But I also grew up around adults who didn’t idolize looks much or evaluate skin as “good” or “bad.” I think that’s given me room to be more tender with myself.
I sometimes get small raised bumps on my forehead and nose, and what looks like a layer of dryness in the winter. I think my skin is really challenged by the cold, but so is my mind! I’ve learned how to moisturize and work up a sweat to get through it.
My skin and I love sun and sweat, which is somewhat political because of how darker people are typically seen as lower class/less educated around the world. My mom would always say, “respect the sun.” She and my aunts never bathed in the sun and always wore protective scarves when outside. Doing so makes a bit more sense in Ethiopia since the sun is more intense there, but it’s still tied to how darker-skinned people are valued. She gratefully didn’t push that narrative on me, and I got to just let my skin love the sun.
How would you describe your skincare approach in general?
I’ve never thought about my skincare as its own approach. Everything I do for my skin is also for something else. It’s very tied to memory and family, and prioritizing time with and for myself. My bathroom cabinets are pretty empty.
What skincare products are integral to your routine for achieving your ideal, glowing, well-moisturized complexion, and how/when do you use each of them?
Oils are super important to me. As a child, I would watch my mom and dad get out of the bath or shower and lather their entire face and body with something moisturizing. It was never rushed, and they would lounge naked for a while afterward. It’s such a beautiful memory and it fills my mind when I’m doing the same.
My mom always used oil, but my dad would sometimes use cocoa butter or shea butter. I usually use grapeseed oil, because I like the consistency. I learned about it from an herbal skincare workshop with Herban Cura. I also learned about the practice of massaging oil into my skin in heart-bound strokes before I get in the shower or bath. It deepens the moisturizing even more, and just feels like pure luxury and self-love to put time into caressing my own body in that way. I do that when I’m not exfoliating. Then I exfoliate with Earth Therapeutics Gloves a few times a week. I don’t go too hard every time. Sometimes it’s more like I’m using the glove as a wash-cloth by applying less pressure. It feels so good in the summer to see that city gunk come off. It makes me feel like I lived a full-ass day. I’m not super particular with soap–I like bar soap, and I like mixing up the type depending on the aroma and texture I want. I’m using Nubian Heritage African Black Bar Soap right now, and I use it on my face and body.
I’m not a brand-loyal person when it comes to skincare, so I get my main body oil from wherever I can find it when I run dry. I think the last few were from Aura Cacia. I do keep coming back to Everyday Oil and Hanahana Shea Butter though (I love the women who make them, too!). I use the Everyday Oil blend when I need a scented pick-me-up, and the Shea butter when I want something thicker. I also take the small Everyday Oil bottle with me when I go swimming or camping.
Topical stuff is really only one side of it, though. I think it gets the most attention commercially because it’s a very tactile and marketable process that can be productized and profitable. But I find my diet, physical activity, and mental health to be far more important in terms of how my skin looks.
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What about makeup products?
I don’t wear skin makeup. It feels like I can’t breathe whenever I’ve tried it, so I always end up stopping. I definitely went through a period in my teens when I really wanted to wear makeup, but thankfully (only now do I say that!), I could never find my color. I’ve also never had a socially stigmatized skin type, so that’s made it easier for me to not wear makeup. I get pimples here and there, but I’ve learned my lesson from picking and scarring when I was younger, so I don’t touch them anymore. They have a short life, just let them live.
The only thing I put on enough to mention is a Mineral Fusion Color Stick in Berry Glow. I use it on my cheeks and then I rub the remainder on my lips or my eye-lids. Otherwise, I wear fun colored eyeshadow or liner on very rare occasions when I go out at night, but that doesn’t happen too much. I’m at the end of my 27th year and as of recently I’ve started to wake up between 6 and 7 a.m. no matter what (which I love), and sleep has become really sacred. If I’m not sleeping well, I can tell in my skin. It feels dull and spotty and my dark circles are serious.
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What’s the cheapest product you use regularly and love?
Water! It’s free (or should be). The more hydrated I am, the better my skin feels. I also like anti-inflammatory infusions and teas. Sometimes with marigold, rose, St. John’s wort and more. I get herbs from Flower Power or Radicle Herb Shop.
Also Weleda Everon Lip Balm and Lord and Lady Lavender Lip Balm. They are the only chapsticks I’ve ever actually finished.
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Is there anything you try to avoid, skincare or makeup-wise?
I love hot showers, but I try to shower in lukewarm water because of how drying hot water can be. It’s so hard in the winter! Smoking cigarettes and drinking also makes me feel pretty crumby, inside and out, so I rarely partake.
Also, I know this is controversial, but I don’t wear sunscreen. My family has never worn it, and no one put it on me when I was growing up. We respected the sun by wearing head scarves and staying in the shade during the peak hours of the day.
Any next-level tips, tricks, or services that you swear by to help you look “lit from within”?
Good ‘ol sweat! I want to be using a steam room/sauna regularly, but I don’t like gyms much so it doesn’t seem worth it to subscribe just for the steam. In Ethiopia I get full body scrubs in the steam room, like a Moroccan bath. It’s not wildly expensive, so you can do it as a practice. I wish my friend’s health spa, On and On, was in NYC! They’re incredible and I learn so much from following what they’re doing in Hawaii. I’m looking forward to trying Manuka Activist Honey as a mask and and cleanser. I also want to get a facial soon. I’ve never had a facial! I really hope a lot of these practices become more accessible so that we can use them as healthcare instead of just as one-off treatments.
Right now, I try to run, bike, or go to hot yoga a few times a week. My skin feels so vibrant after sweaty exercise, and it calms my mind as well, which also affects my skin. I’ve started to swim at my local pool, too, so I’ll have to see how my skin reacts to the pool water.
I also think my silk pillowcase helps my skin a lot. I got it for my hair, but my skin feels less dry when I wake up now too. I hand-wash it weekly. Clean bedding is important for my skin!
What’s your go-to product or trick for fixing a skin disaster?
No personal memories come to mind when I think “skin disaster.” I’m not sure I’ve ever had one. Maybe it’s just my outlook on blemishes–my experience is that obsessing over things allows them space to fester. I’m also scared of how quick fixes tend to hurt something else. I’d rather focus on the preventative stuff. That said, I do always have aloe and tea tree for rashes or bites.
Do you do anything differently skincare-wise when you travel?
If I’m traveling and staying in a house, it stays the same, but most of my travel plans are aimed at trying to sleep outside as much as possible and being next to a body of water, so I often don’t scrub or massage before washing because there’s no shower. Sometimes I don’t even wash, really. I just swim in the water and I apply oil afterward.
What’s something you wish your teenage self knew about taking care of your skin?
That everything is connected and skin is just the outward organ of the body. What’s going on inside is going to show. Listen up.
Photo provided by Mekdela Maskal.
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These Two Geniuses Are Building an Empire Selling Junk Food from Their Trunk
The only person who eats for free at The Super Snack Store is Isabel Torres.
She’s the mother of Dario Torres, a 20-year-old New Jersey entrepreneur who, along with girlfriend Taylor Trachtenberg, co-founded the business—a roving boutique filled with rare packaged treats, imported from around the world—earlier this year.
The first time Isabel tried a tiramisu-flavored Oreo Thin (sent from Korea) she shook the box around in the air incredulously. The whole thing’s documented on @thesupersnackstore’s Instagram page.
“I love those—oh my god,” she says. “How much is this?”
“$15, mami,” replies the younger Torres from behind the camera.
“I’d really pay for them,” she says. “That tastes good.”
It’s reactions like these that make a business—and fill a room of the Torres home with $10,000 worth of snacks. For the enterprising couple, who started the company on a lark, a sideline has turned into something bigger. For now, however, both still have day jobs: Torres, 20, is a mechanical engineer focused on the HVAC system at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Trachtenberg, 21, is a nanny for a local family. But by night—and by early morning, and all day on the weekend—they peddle esoteric and highly caloric snacks.
Among their inventory you will find: Ritz sandwiches from Japan, wherein two standard-issue crackers deftly cradle a delicate cream patty: vanilla, chocolate, or lemon. A tower of Coke-Lime (Canada), a special release of Sprite “with a splash of lemonade” (Canada, too), BBQ Cheetos (Japan), shelf-stable milkshakes made of blended Twix (U.K.), and a German beverage called Bounty that tastes like chocolate and coconut, but looks curiously like a bottle of sunscreen. There are “top shelf” Fantas, including the Shokata—elderberry and lemon—from Europe, the guarana from Bolivia, and the exclusive white and yellow peach made from the fruit of Okayama. There are pizza Pringles from Taiwan, and London-born sacks of cookie-nuggets called Oreo Joy Fills which, when taken between two teeth, yield a satisfying crunch not unlike a peanut butter-pretzel.
Torres and Trachtenberg opened up shop—by way of Instagram handle—in late April 2019, not really knowing how many Americans felt rare snack-deprived. By May, they’d sold their first cookies. Now, thanks to word-of-mouth growth, plus a few lucky breaks like a spot on the Instagram profile of @newyorknico (“the unofficial talent scout of New York City”), they make close to $1,000 in gross sales on a good week.
These days, their business model’s split between home deliveries (direct message them to place an order), the occasional in person pop-up, shipments to customers outside the tri-state area (mostly LA, they say), and “VIP trunk visits” for a minimum of $150, during which they’ll stock the boot of Torres’ car to look like an edible jewel vault and park outside a customer’s home to facilitate unbridled selection, like something out of a kid’s or a wine-drunk adult’s wildest dreams.
Shelves & Shelves of Chips
When it’s not on the move, The Super Snack Store is headquartered beneath the Elizabeth, New Jersey home where Torres has lived since he was six. He and Trachtenberg rent the basement—which includes a bedroom, a bathroom, and a closet suffused with Supreme and AntiSocialSocialClub gear—from Torres’ parents for $500 a month. (His father, Dario Torres Sr., has never asked to try a snack.) The space is conveniently equipped with a handsome built-in bar, replete with wooden shelves for spirit storage, which the couple have dragooned into use as a display case for their wares.
The basement’s also occupied by an eight-month-old Yorkie called Kiko (after a Narcos character), who often accompanies Trachtenberg on solo deliveries—Torres works a 3-to-11 p.m. shift most days. Kiko, a small puppy who spends most of his time surrounded by $10,000 in snacks, shows so little interest in the easy prey that it almost seems like he’s plotting a long game.
The pair are vague about their sources. The most they’ll say is that they get their goods from friends and members of their social media cohort who are based abroad and willing to acquire product. The newest import, a cardboard box stuffed with packages of Twix Soft Centre Biscuits from the U.K., sits atop Kiko’s crate.
According to Trachtenberg, many of their customers are regulars. The most loyal one’s a woman named Kelsey*, “a super pothead”—great for business. They meet her weekly in the parking lot of a nearby White Castle, where she selects $70 to $100 dollars in snacks.
Others find them through Instagram. A couple weeks back, Torres arranged a New York City delivery to one of their 16,000 followers, and later learned the customer is the daughter of music mogul L.A. Reid.
On a Sunday afternoon in July, another regular named Ari arrived at headquarters for a pick-up. “There’s some certain shit that my girl wanted,” he said, procuring a list from his pocket. “The shakes—the M&M and the Twix.” Minutes later, Ari left, $75 lighter but laden with several shakes, BBQ Cheetos, two types of Joy Fills, and one of those Twix Soft Centres that cast a shadow on Kiko’s bed.
Though a fair amount of business comes from shipments to faraway consumers and pop-ups, a solid contingent of their customer base is local to Elizabeth. The gas station down the block from their home proudly displays a large logo sticker for The Super Snack Store on a pump. Kean University is just around the corner, and Torres and Trachtenberg eagerly anticipate the distribution opportunities this fall, when school’s back in session.
How to Build a Snack Empire
They’ve both always wanted to start a company.
“Merging our interests was the hard part,” says Torres. The Super Snack Store was the idea that finally fit the bill. “It’s snacks, it’s food—and who doesn’t love snacks and food?”
Torres, who will be 21 next month, told me he used to model for Pharrell Williams’ clothing line Billionaire Boys Club—he’s a natural in front of a camera or crowd. He initiates an Instagram Live broadcast as easily and regularly as someone might check the time.
At a pop-up last weekend in the West Village, Torres gently wrangled loafer-clad passersby with a grin: “Hey boss, you like rare snacks? I see you looking.”
Later, a tall dude in leather sneakers ambled across the street from Sant Ambroeus to see what all the fuss was about. “$30 for a soda?” he asked, inquiring about a bottle of Fanta. “I’ve only got $5 bucks on me.” He took a free sticker and shuffled back.
“We need to get a banner or something that says ‘Rare Snacks,’” said Torres, after the slow stretch that followed. “That’s why we need the van—the snackmobile.”
Said snackmobile is next on the list for The Super Snack Store: a large vehicle that Torres plans to emblazon with their logo and stock semi-permanently, to avoid the time-consuming configuration and deconstruction of a hot car trunk. And after that?
“Cup Noodle Pringles. They even have Steak Taco Cup Noodle Pringles,” he says. And later, they hope, branded merchandise. For now, though, they’re focused on keeping their customers and gaining new ones.
“We talked this into existence,” says Trachtenberg. “From the moment we did it, we were like, this is going to be huge. You’ve got to put 100 percent.”
She thinks their success is, at least in part, based on their ability to provide a travel-like adventure, without the barriers to entry—essentially, enabling clients to step in front of the coolest vending machine in Tokyo without ever having to board a plane.
“I really think it’s a new experience. It’s literally like you’re going to that country, and you get to taste something that you’re never going to be able to touch here,” she says.
For some, it’s perhaps even better—a pre-curated visit to that vending machine. “I usually don’t know what I’m looking for” when traveling, said a customer named Aaron at the West Village pop-up. “And they have a specific selection. I was like, I do want this, this, and this.” Aaron is a customer service supervisor from Staten Island, and he’s been following @thesupersnackstore for the past month after a photo of a Snickers shake caught his eye.
“I thought there would be a line,” he said, giddily, as he dropped $90 on several beverages, honey-chile chips, a box of vanilla Ritz sandwiches, and some Twix Soft Centres. “Everything is just so rare.”
*Names have been changed
Photos by Ken Castaneda.
The post These Two Geniuses Are Building an Empire Selling Junk Food from Their Trunk appeared first on Man Repeller.
July 15, 2019
Happy Amazon Prime Day: 42 Things to Buy Right…Now! (Updated)
A note for MR readers: We’ve given additional consideration to the nature and purpose of this shopping guide in light of the Amazon workers’ strike, and your comments on the subject, and have decided that today is not the appropriate day to publish it. We have thus removed the story. We will be donating any affiliate commission already generated by the post to Jobs With Justice. As always, we appreciate your critical eye on Man Repeller.
Feature photo by Edith Young.
The post Happy Amazon Prime Day: 42 Things to Buy Right…Now! (Updated) appeared first on Man Repeller.
Still Missing Old Céline? Try These 6 Brands
If I were a glass-half-empty kind of person, I would say that when Phoebe Philo departed from Céline two years ago, she left behind a void where before there was a rare breed of quietly powerful style. A black hole that was once filled with the comfort of knowing there was someone out there creating clothes that made women feel stronger and more understood.
But! I can’t help myself. I’m glass-half-full all the way, baby. So I wouldn’t say any of that. Instead I would tell you she left behind an opportunity. An expansive field of fertile soil. An open door, ready and waiting to be walked through—and there are a handful of exciting up-and-coming brands that did exactly that. Brands that are, in my mind, carrying on the Philo spirit. Not by literally replicating it, but rather by making clothes that speak volumes without shouting, and exude effortless simplicity without being boring. Scroll down for five emerging brands to know if you have an old Céline-shaped hole in your heart.
Le 17 Septembre
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A List of Vain Celebs Who Keep Me Forever Young
Below I’ve compiled a list of my favorite vain celebs in an effort to share my enjoyment. For the purposes of this exercise, I’m defining vanity as the expression of “excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements,” as per my good friend Google-ita. In the context of Instagram, I’m looking at the selfie (or photo of self) to NON-selfie ratio as well as their use of gas-me-up language as perceived by my own subjective point of view. I think they call this the scientific method.
I’ve divided my favorites into three camps, on a spectrum from classic selfie-loving divas to the out-of-the-woodwork unexpected celebs I love to discover are loving themselves. They are: the Usual Suspects (the who’s who of divas and their ilk), the Sweet Treats (the ones whose self-love gives me, and maybe you, life), and the Unexpected, But Welcome (wait, really? Okay, I’m on board). Within each camp, I’ve chosen my top three favorites because, in an effort to keep stride with the vanity of my subjects, I needed a way to make this article about me.
So, you know what they say, Vanitas Vanitatum et Omnia Paris Hilton.
The Usual Suspects
Go ahead, divas, do what you do!
Mariah Carey
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