Allison Vesterfelt's Blog, page 9

The Difference Between Successful People And Those Who Flounder

“Whenever you see a successful person, you only see the public glories, never the private sacrifices to reach them.” — Vaibhav Shah

Have you ever sat around wondering what the difference is between those who achieve a great deal of success in their lives versus those who just never seem to find their way?

When I’m talking about success I’m not necessarily talking about making a bunch of money or being on TV or having a million Twitter followers—although success could include any of those things. What I’m talking about is a general feeling like you’re giving the best of yourself and getting the best life has to offer.

I’m talking about happiness, laughter, fulfillment and just a general sense of peace.

I’m talking about the kind of person you would want to be your parent, your employee, your coworker or your spouse.

Anyway, I have sat around wondering what it is that makes some people happy with their lives and other people not so happy. In fact, I’ve tried to pay attention to the difference between people I meet who I would put in those different categories—mostly so I can be one of them. And here’s the thing I’ve noticed as I’ve watched.

Successful people see themselves honestly.

They’re not perfect. Not by a long shot. But they don’t try to hide or mask their imperfections or idiosyncrasies from others. In fact, they’ll be the first to admit them to you. And strangely, this seems to free them up to make even their most quirky qualities work in their favor.

Let me give you an example of this.

When I graduated from college I immediately began looking for a job. I didn’t know what I was looking for, honestly. My degree was in English and I really wanted to be a writer but was convinced I couldn’t make a living doing that. So I started tapping my networks and found out about an “Office Manager” job.

Now, I’m the last person you ever want to hire to be an office manager. First of all, I can’t even keep my own schedule straight—let alone anyone else’s. I’m famous for missing meetings or forgetting about appointments or locking my keys in my car.

Still, I swore in the interview I could do it. I had to do it, I figured.

What other options did I have?

Long story short, about six months into the job my boss and I were both realizing I wasn’t good at it. In fact, I was less than good at it. I was awful. They would have been better off with no office manager and I’m not exaggerating.

But I felt stuck. What was I supposed to do? If I lost this job, I would not only be a failure, I would also be in a real financial bind.

So I kept promising I would get better.

I worked harder and longer hours. I stayed late. I came early. And when things would go wrong in the office, I would try to think of reasons for the mistake that didn’t have to do with me. I don’t even think I realized I was doing it but I was so terrified to get fired, you guys. I was willing to do whatever it took to make sure that didn’t happen.

It didn’t happen. I didn’t get fired. But my boss did become more and more infuriated with me. As a result, I became less and less engaged with the work, more and more self-conscious about my strengths and gifts, less and less motivated and more and more enraged with my work environment. It all felt so toxic.

Finally, about 12 months in, I threw in the towel.

I sat down with my boss and was brutally honest. “I just don’t think I’m built for this job,” I told him. “I’m not doing a good job. I”m making everyone’s life harder—including mine—and I’m sorry.” As I said it, I could tell something shifted for him.

A guy who had been really frustrated with me moments earlier suddenly became my biggest ally. He asked me what I was going to do next and offered to help in any way he could. He told me he would give me a reference.

“How could you possibly offer to give me a reference when I’ve been so terrible at this?” I asked.

“Hey—at least you were honest.”

It was a moment of terrible failure for me and also shining glory, in a way—that moment I finally decided to be honest about myself and with him. There would be other jobs for me, better jobs, more fulfilling and less taxing jobs in my future, as soon as I could finally admit the truth about myself and to others.

This is all easier said than done—so how do you actually do this?

These days in my life I do everything I can to be as honest with myself, and with the people around me, as possible, if only because I’ve seen what a difference it can make. But the honestly certainly doesn’t come easily.

It can be hard to see ourselves in a truthful light. It can be even harder to admit what we see to other people.

That said, there are three tools I use to help me accomplish this objective:

Friendships: There are things we can’t see about ourselves that our friends can see about us. I’ve found my friends are happy to fill in the blank spots in my own self-perceptions if I ask them to. If you’re curious how you come across to other people, ask your friends: what are my greatest strengths? What areas can I work on?

Humility: It can feel painful to hear the truth about ourselves, especially when that truth is unpleasant. Your tendency might be to push the responsibility off of yourself, like I did when I was an office manager, or to reject it altogether. But if you can humbly receive the feedback you’re given from those you trust, I promise you the results will be worth it.

Coaching: There are some things even our friends can’t see about us but that we need to know if we’re going to achieve our best life possible. For those things, I’ve tried to be intentional about inviting coaches into my life. Coaching takes many different forms: teachers, professors, counselors, professional coaches, life coaches, etc. Whatever form it takes, make sure you take advantage of those who can see you most clearly.

[photo: grinapple, Creative Commons]

The post The Difference Between Successful People And Those Who Flounder appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Discouragement Is A Natural Part of Accomplishing Goals

“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” — Dale Carnegie

This is the time of year when discouragement usually sets in. Not only is it Winterpocalypse outside—dark, dreary, icy, impossible to drive. It’s also just far enough into the calendar year that most of our resolutions have fallen out of our conscious mind and into that place where dreams go to die.

We’re hitting the snooze button instead of going to the gym.

We’re scheduling happy hour instead of working on that creative project.

We’re watching TV instead of reading those books we swore we’d read.

Let me tell you something that I hope will make you feel a little bit better about this, if it sounds like the place you’re in: this is totally normal. In fact, if you didn’t experience this part of the process toward achieving your goals, you should be asking yourself: when is it coming? It’s really not a matter of if, but when.

Unrealistic Expectations

Part of the problem is we start off with what are probably unrealistic expectations.

This is what happened to me when I first quit my full time job to achieve my lifelong goal of writing a book several years ago. I was keeping a blog and I assumed—if I did my very best writing—somewhere along the way a publisher or an agent would “discover” me and be so impressed with my work, they would practically beg me to sign a book deal.

Because I was wholeheartedly convinced of this, I quit my full-time job, sold pretty much everything I owned, packed what was left into my Subaru Outback and set off on a year-long journey across the country. I figured taking such a huge leap would help me get noticed, it would make publishers or agents take me really seriously.

Of course it was a big sacrifice—but it would be worth it, I told myself as soon as I got that book deal.

That logic fueled me for awhile. It was the motivation I needed to sell the things I really didn’t want to sell, to leave my secure job, etc. The problem came when I came home from my journey without a place to live or any furniture or a job and I still didn’t have a book deal.

Discouragement Sets In

This was when the discouragement set in for me.

Everything I had given up had been worth it if I got a book deal. But was it worth it if I didn’t get a book deal? I wasn’t sure it was—so I found myself in a very dark place after my trip. My expectations for the trip hadn’t been met and I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. There was no going back. What was I supposed to do now?

It wasn’t until I shared my fear with a good friend of mine that she helped me reframe my discouragement in a way that was really helpful.

First of all, she told me it was normal to feel discouraged as we’re fighting our way to the goals that are really important to us. She said it was fine to feel disappointed, that was normal even, and that she understood the discouragement. Let me be the one to say that for you now, if you’re in a place of discouragement.

Discouragement Is Normal

Discouragement is normal. Everyone feels it. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Second, she pointed out that part of why I was feeling discouraged was because of the unrealistic expectation I had of getting a book deal. “So you didn’t get a book deal,” she told me. “But you got a bunch of other stuff—and you’re missing it—all because you’re so focused on what you originally wanted.”

At first I didn’t understand what she was saying, so I asked her to clarify.

“You’re a totally different person than you were when you left,” she said. “You’re less afraid, more willing to take risks. Think of all the people you met and all the things you got to see. Think of the stories you’ll tell to your children or your grandchildren. You can’t put a price tag on any of that.”

“So you didn’t get a book deal,” she said. “You found yourself.”

That was really helpful for me. Because I realized that if I had to choose between getting a book deal or finding myself, finding myself was clearly the more valuable of the two. I didn’t want to miss the truly valuable thing I received simply because I didn’t get what I thought I would get.

The Wisdom Of Open Hands

If you’re fighting your way toward a goal, I want to pass this wisdom on to you.

Not only is discouragement a totally normal part of the process, but one of the ways we can fight against the discouragement is to remind ourselves that what we think we are going to get when we begin a journey isn’t necessarily what we get—and that’s not a bad thing.

When we live our lives with open hands, we will experience loss, but we are also postured for incredible gain.

Additionally, without trying to talk yourself out of the discouragement, remind yourself that where you end up will have a lot to do with how you respond to disappointments and loss. I did eventually get the book deal I had hoped for so desperately. It didn’t come as easily, or as soon, as I hoped it would.

But I never would have gotten it if I had let my discouragement get the best of me. Discouragement will come and go, but if you keep pressing toward your goals, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

[Photo: Jan Tik, Creative Commons]

The post Discouragement Is A Natural Part of Accomplishing Goals appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

5 Excuses We All Make That Keep Us From Achieving Our Goals

Let’s face it. The things we want most in life are not easily achieved. We want to lose weight or get in shape, improve our friendships or find better ones, quit a job or find a new one, write a book or learn a language, travel to another country or build a home.

No matter what it is we most want to do, it is never effortless.

And maybe it is because of how difficult these things are to achieve that we so often choose to give up before we even get started. We come up with a million excuses. We tell ourselves, “my relationships are fine, my job is fine, my life is fine. I’ll just stick with what I have.”

Trust me. I’m the queen of excuses.

But in the past few years I’ve been experimenting to see—just see—if it’s possible to achieve the things I want by giving up my excuses.

Here are the top five excuses I used to have—and what I’ve learned.

Excuse One: I don’t have the money.

For a long time I thought about money as a scarce resource. There was only so much of it, i would have said, and if you were lucky, you got it. If you weren’t lucky, you didn’t have it.

I saw myself as one of the unlucky people who didn’t have it—and probably never would.

Therefore, money was my number one excuse for not doing what I wanted.

What I’ve learned over the past few years is that money is only as limited to me as I think it is. In other words, if I am motivated by something meaningful, I can always find the money to do the things that matter most to me.


For example:

I can find the money to see a therapist by giving up my “eating out” budget
I can find the money to go on an important trip by leveraging my skills—picking up an extra writing job; or innovating about how to bring in more income.
I can find the money for a creative project by investing strategically, from one project to the next one.
I can find the money for a new home by saving aggressively, over months.
I can find the money to pay off debt by selling something I own

The ways you find money will look different than the ways I have, but the concept is the same. If you see money as a scarce resource, it will be.

Excuse Two: I don’t have the time.

Five years ago, if you would have asked me how I was doing, the very first thing I would have said was, “busy.” To be fair, if you ask me today, the answer you get will probably be the same. But there is one key difference.

A few years ago, I was busy with stuff I didn’t want to be doing.

Meanwhile, the things I did want to be doing stayed undone, while time passed by.

new life rule for myself: don't say maybe if you want to say no.

— sammi horne (@sammihorne) January 15, 2015

What I’ve learned that has changed everything for me is this: I get to choose how I fill my time.

I know that doesn’t sound incredibly revolutionary, but for me, it absolutely was—and I believe it is for many others too. Even those of us who understand this concept intellectually often times find ourselves with lives full of things we don’t actually want to do.

What would happen if you just decided to quit? At first, it might seem like the world will crash down. People will hate you. Everything will fall apart.

But then one day you wake up and realize: you do have the time. Your day is your own.

Excuse Three: It doesn’t matter anyway.

This was the number one excuse that kept me from writing my first book. I would think to myself:

Nobody will ever read it.
It won’t sell any copies.
It isn’t going to matter anyway.
Whether I write it or don’t write it—nothing will change.

I used similar excuses for why I was out-of-shape and low on energy, why I wouldn’t confront friends or family members when I was frustrated about something. I would think to myself, “It doesn’t really matter. Nobody listens to me anyway. I’m not actually going to lose weight.”

That is, until I realized it isn’t really the outcome that is most important.

It’s me.

In other words, even if I don’t sell a bunch of books, even if I confront a friend and she doesn’t listen to me, even if I work out and don’t lose weight—at least I’ll be healthier. At least I’ll have spoken my mind. At least I’ll have more clarity about my story.

Excuse Four: It’s not possible.

When a friend asked me several years ago what I would do if anything was possible, I told her, basically, “What a stupid question. Most of the things I want to do aren’t possible.”

Here’s the funny thing. Here was what was on my list.

Write a book.
Be a full-time writer.
Go on a 50-state road trip.

Three years later, when I had checked those things off my list, I realized: I needed a new one! I needed to add more things to my list and to dream bigger about what I could actually do.

I’m not saying, “anything is possible!”

I am saying more is possible than you could ever imagine. You’re only limited by your own imagination.

Excuse Five: I have responsibilities.

We all have responsibilities. Some of us have more than others. We’re responsible to our kids, to our spouses, to our parents to a certain extent and to the commitments we’ve made.

But we sometimes take too much responsibility for things that were never ours in the first place.

Here’s what I’ve learned: I’m not responsible for making sure people are happy—with their circumstances, or with me. And most of the time, when people say they’re concerned with their “responsibilities” this is what they’re concerned with.

They’re concerned their spouse will be angry.

They’re concerned their friends will think they’re crazy.


They’re concerned their parents will be disappointed.

These are things you don’t—can’t, shouldn’t—have any control or responsibility over.

One thing you definitely are responsible for, on the other hand, is making sure you are the most alive, most engaged, most congruent and wholehearted version of yourself.

What will help you get there?

The post 5 Excuses We All Make That Keep Us From Achieving Our Goals appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Don’t Let Money Keep You From Your Dreams

You know that feeling you get when there is something you really want and you just don’t have the money?

I’m not talking about a pair of jeans or a flat screen TV here. I’m talking about a dream, a passion, a creative endeavor—something you’ve always wanted to do or experience—and you just can’t afford it?

I’ve been there.

Several years ago, before I quit my full-time job to write my first book, I was desperate to be an author. I had dreamed about writing a book for my whole life. But when people would ask what I was waiting for, I always had the same excuse.

Money.

I was a teacher, after all, living on a teacher’s salary and waiting tables one night a week to make ends meet.

Finances were tight.

And for the most part, people accepted my excuse. Money was tight for all of us, after all. We all knew what it felt like to want something and simply not be able to afford it.

That is until one night, while I was waiting tables.

It had been a busy night. Crazy busy. One of those nights where you just run around and do the best you can and pray your customers will be gracious with you. The night was winding to a close when I had a conversation with the guy sitting at table 52.

I cleared his plate and brought him his check and he struck up a conversation. I asked him what he did for a living. He told me he worked for a major New York publisher. He was about to catch a flight back to the city.

Immediately, I lit up.

I told him I had always dreamed about writing a book. He asked me why I hadn’t done it. I gave him my usual excuse. Things were busy, I told him. Money was tight. I worked full-time and then some. After that, I handed him his credit card slip and said goodnight.

“Safe travels” I said to him as he walked out the door.

But when I went back to his table to pick up the credit card slip he had left for me, I found something extraordinary. In the tip line he had written “$100″. He had also written, “Write that book. Hope this helps.”

I remember like it was yesterday. I stood there, mouth open, for minutes. I could hardly believe it.

I meet people all the time who say they really desire to do something.

They want to start a company, write a book, sponsor a child, begin a non-profit organization, move to another country. But when I ask them what’s holding them back, their response is often the same as mine was that day: money.

Maybe you’re thinking something similar about what you want to do right now. If that’s you, here’s what I want to say. It’s the same thing that man said to me that day.

Don’t let it be money that holds you back from what you want to do.

Let it be something else, but don’t let it be money.

It’s not that money isn’t a limiting factor for most of us. It is. I don’t know many people who can go out and do whatever they feel like, whenever they feel like it, without worrying about the consequences. But no matter how much money we have or don’t have, the truth is this:

We find money for things that matter to us. Period.

I know what it feels like to want something and feel like you can’t afford it. I also know what it feels like to have someone else prove their point (“don’t let money get in your way”) by putting their money where their mouth is.

That’s what that man did for me that day and it’s what I want to do for you, today.

So here’s my offer.

If you want to write a book, but money is tight, I want to offer you $100 toward your purchase of Author Launch—a 46-week video course that will help you write your book in a year. It’s an investment of time and money. It’s a decent chunk of money, in fact.

But please don’t let money be your excuse.

I know money can be tight. I know finances can be hard. But you can do it. I know it. I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is. Are you?

If you haven’t purchased your copy yet, this offer is for two days only. Use this link, here, and make your purchase before 8am CST Wednesday morning, January 28th.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It will only last so long. There are a million reasons not to write that book you’ve always wanted to write. Just don’t let money be one of them.

“Write that book. Hope this helps.”

**This offer is for a purchase of the lifetime membership or Masters Class only, not the month-to-month option.

The post Don’t Let Money Keep You From Your Dreams appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Quit Listening to the Naysayers and Write Your Book

There are people out there who will tell you you shouldn’t write a book. They’ll give you a thousand reasons. You won’t sell any copies. You can’t make any money. Thousands of other people are already doing it better than you.

But do you know what I think about those people? I think they are short-sighted. Well-meaning, maybe, but ultimately, wrong.

I don’t think you should listen to them. I think you should write your book anyway, despite what they say. I think you should show them—and that book—who’s boss.

A few years ago I ran a marathon.

It was 2009 when I first started training. I was new to running, so I got a little over-zealous and injured myself during those first few months. I couldn’t run my race as planned. I had to wait through my injury, my healing and a grueling season of recovery before I could train again.

Then, I finally ran the Portland Marathon in 2011. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done but also one of the crowning achievements of my life.

I am not going to be a professional runner someday. I did not win any prizes. I wasn’t even in the realm of getting any kind of press. But I ran anyway because there’s something really powerful about having the desire to do something and putting your mind to it until it’s accomplished.

Huzzah. Go me. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

People told me I should quit. On multiple occasions, people would tell me things like, “this is really bad for your body. You should probably just give up.” Or, “not everybody is built to be a runner, you know. Maybe you should throw in the towel.”

And you know what the best moment of the whole process was? Watching their faces when I stumbled over the finish line.

Ha. Take that doubters and naysayers. Look who “wasn’t built for running” but did it anyway.

I know what it feels like to have a thousand people telling you you can’t do something that you really want to do, something you’ve always wanted to do. I know what it feels like to have something burning inside of you and feel like you have to find a way to get it out. I know. I’ve been there. It sucks.

But, here’s the thing. I’ve also been on the other side of it. I’ve crossed the finish line. And there is no amount of money or pain or suffering that compares to that feeling—the feeling of finally seeing your dream come to life.

So tell the naysayers to shut up. It’s time to get started. There will never be a better time. It will never get any easier. It will be worth the money and time and energy. Every bit of it. I swear. It will heal you. You’ll discover yourself in the process.

You may not sell a million copies. You probably won’t make a million bucks. But you know what John Steinbeck said when writing East of Eden? He said, “Even if I knew nothing would emerge from this book, I would still write it.” Something incredible happens when we give ourselves to the writing process. The possibilities are endless.

What about you? Will you write your book?

The post Quit Listening to the Naysayers and Write Your Book appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Stop Blogging. Start Writing.

There’s been a lot of talking and arguing and panicking on the internet lately because apparently blogs are dying. As for me, I don’t really care if blogging is dying or not. It doesn’t matter. Whether blogging is dead or alive, I will never stop writing.

Here’s the thing about blogging, the way I see it. Blogging is a medium for people to do what people do best. For some of us, that’s writing. For others, it’s design. For others, it’s complaining and being dramatic and causing a scene. For others, it’s bringing about social change.

But no matter what blogging has been about for you, here’s the good news: you can still do what you do best, with or without blogging.

Blogging will be a good medium for you while it’s here.

Then, when it’s gone… oh well. You’ll find another one. Because for you, it isn’t really about blogging or no blogging. It’s about being yourself.

There was a period of time in my life when I let blogging overshadow my love for writing and this was one of the most miserable seasons of my life. I worried way more about how much traffic was showing up at my website than I did about saying what I really wanted to say, or about getting better at my craft or about enjoying the art of writing.

I let the little, teeny-tiny, insignificant, stupid bit of attention I got go to my head.

I actually lost my love for the thing I love very most—using words to point the way to something beautiful, something that had been there, and will be there, for a very long time.

Whatever blogging does, writing is here to stay.

I noticed recently how so many of the people I admire most starting writing at a young age. Martin Luther King Junior. Dietrich Bonhoeffer. John Steinbeck. I’m not saying this to suggest that good people write and bad people don’t write. I’m saying it to suggest that people who make lasting change don’t worry about fads—what’s coming and what’s going.

People we remember and respect just do their work, no matter what. These writers were always writing, even before it was a “thing”.

As for me, I’ll be writing long after writing is a “thing,” not because I’m so amazing, but because I can’t not do it. Because it’s inside of me, and because I realize that when something is inside of us and we keep it trapped inside, we die a very slow and painful death.

I don’t need a huge audience to write. I don’t need a bunch of traffic to my blog. Whether blogging dies or not, you’ll still find me here, doing what I know I was made to do all along.

I hope I’ll find you there too, wherever that is for you.

Write about it: There’s something about writing that solidifies a thought in our minds, don’t you think? Take a minute and think about what you will do, even if blogging dies. Write down some thoughts. Feel free to share them with me in the comments.

The post Stop Blogging. Start Writing. appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

The Most Important Work You Do Happens in Secret

I never used to think it was true—that my most important work would take place in secret. In fact, the very idea that this could be true scared me half to death. When I looked at the people who I admired the most, most of them were “out there,” in the world, making a difference, saving lives and leaving their mark.

My worst nightmare was that I would die somewhere, in secret, without a splash, without any sort of noise or excitement.

But lately I’m realizing my worst fear is true.

The most important work I have done so far in my very short life has happened in the dark, with no lights or fanfare. There is no glitz or glam when my alarm goes off at 5am. There is no pizzazz in dragging myself out of bed to get just another few thousand words on paper.

But this is where the real progress happens.

This is where the work gets done, in the trenches.

It’s virtually impossible for us to understand this in a world where our whole lives are so very public. Instagram. Twitter. Facebook. Blogs. Trust me, my whole world is online. There are very few moments in my day where I’m not thinking about how I can present myself to the world in a way that will make me look fabulous.

Other than, I suppose, the moments of the day where I’m thinking about how I can present myself to the world in a way that makes me look fabulous without seeming like I’m trying to look fabulous. 


It’s a sickness, really. And we all have it. It will take all our effort and energy to escape.

But it isn’t until we escape it that we’ll find the significance we’ve been looking for all along.

Our most important work won’t happen as we’re trying to dream up some beautiful caption or photo to post on Instagram. It won’t happen in 140 characters. I’m not knocking social media here. I love social media. All I’m saying is our best work, our most important work, the work that will change us and therefore change the world, happens in private.

You know where I’ve changed most in the past year?

Fighting with my husband. Yup. You read that right. It’s true. We’ve always been fighters. I don’t know what it is about us. I hesitate telling people that because I worry they’ll think we have a crappy marriage, but you know what? Even if you think that, I don’t care. We don’t have a crappy marriage. We have a passionate marriage. And all the passion I’ve put toward my marriage in the last year—sometimes angry, yelling passion and sometimes happy, laughing, loving passion—has changed me. It’s changed me from the inside out.

You know what else has changed me? Therapy.




It’s true. I went away for a week back in May. I signed offline. I stopped blogging. I took a break. I even gave up my phone for a time. I went to a place called Onsite and walked through a therapeutic program.

Then, when I came home, I started meeting with a therapist regularly.

Very few people will ever know exactly what takes place behind closed doors, with my therapist, but it is changing me. I worried I would lose momentum if I stopped blogging and tweeting for that week I was at Onsite. I worried it would derail me. Instead, it has catapulted me.

The most important work we do happens in private.

When I work with writers, I try to explain this to them.

I try to tell them how the writing they do in their journals, their morning pages, or whatever they want to call it—the drafts that never see the light of day—is not a distraction from accomplishing their writing goals. It’s not counter-productive. It’s the most productive thing they could ever do.

It’s so hard to accept that truth and to embrace it.

We have to face all of our fears of being invisible. I get it. I really do. But it isn’t until we fully embrace those fears of being invisible that we’re able to be seen and heard in this incredibly amazing way. It isn’t until we stop worrying about being invisible that we’re able to execute the work we’ve always wanted to do.

Your most important work—with your writing, with your family, with your marriage, with your career–will happen behind the scenes. It’s universally true. I promise.

So stop worrying about getting your big break or making yourself look fabulous or building some big platform. Do the work you’ve been called to do, behind closed doors. Don’t ask for credit. Claim the credit we all get when we spend a day in the trenches.

That will be enough.

The post The Most Important Work You Do Happens in Secret appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Why Difficulty Defines Some And Not Others

We all have hard things happen to us in life.

I’ve often wondered what makes one person succeed in the face of great difficulty while other people wander around, never finding the success they were hoping for.

Lately I’ve realized a big reason for this is that there is a difference between having something difficult happen to you and being willing to do something difficult. Difficult things happen to all of us (some more difficult than others). In the face of those difficulties, we have a decision to make.

We can take the easy way out. We can blame, punish, get bitter, resentful, push the responsibility off of ourselves.

Or, we can do the hard thing. Which is to own our shit. Take the high road. Forgive. Do the work to move past what has happened to us.

Those who do the hard work will not be negatively defined by their difficult circumstances.

Those who choose to do the easy thing in the face of great difficulty will, unfortunately, be defined by that choice.

I know I’ve taken the easy road a hundred times but I hope I’m learning to take the more difficult one. The path is always open to us if we’re willing to walk it. I’m learning.

The post Why Difficulty Defines Some And Not Others appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Surprising Benefits to Writing or Why Everyone Should Write

I hate that we treat writing like it’s some kind of “elite” activity, only to be reserved for the incredibly gifted or well-trained. Writing is language. It’s communication. It’s as basic an instinct as food and water.

What we need, more than a bunch of training or talent, to be good at writing is simply this: permission.

Permission to be ourselves.

To speak freely. To say what we think.

To be imperfect.

Permission to show up to the page without being all buttoned and laced.

To be honest, even as someone who would consider herself fairly talented and trained as a writer—by that I mean I’ve been drawn to writing for as long as I can remember and I have two degrees in writing—I can say the biggest thing keeping me from writing well usually isn’t a lack of information or knowledge.

It isn’t a lack of skill that holds me back.

It’s usually a lack of confidence in my own ability as a writer, a lack of clarity in my own ideas.

It’s this incredibly crippling feeling that comes when I sit down to the page—that writing is for certain people and I’m not one of them.

It is the idea that writing is unnatural, that it requires me to strive and try, rather than to relax into the process and let the words flow.

This is what makes writing so difficult for me. I would argue it’s the same for most of us.

Ultimately, I think, everyone should write.

I don’t think there are “writers” and “non-writers”. I don’t think “non-writer” exists as a category. If you are human, you have an innate desire to navigate your experiences using words. You have an innate desire to communicate your experience to others.

Writing helps us do this.

Writing is instinct. It’s natural.

If you are human, you are a writer.

As an added benefit, writing has dozens of really wonderful side-effects.

Writing can help us prepare for difficult conversations, it can bring clarity to confusion, it can help us uncover answers to our most complex problems, it can alert us to holes in our logic, can communicate messages of hope to others.

It can improve our marriages, help us find more satisfaction in our careers, can help us clarify a vision for our families.

It can allow us to process old emotional baggage we didn’t realize was holding us back from what we really wanted in our life.

Writing can heal us. It can change us. It can help us to discover ourselves. (tweet that)

I know that writing can be daunting but I hope you won’t let the intimidation keep you from getting started. Your whole life is waiting. The most authentic version of you is waiting to be discovered. Your voice is waiting to be found out.

TRY THIS: Writing is not just daunting for those who are new to it, it’s daunting for those of us who do it everyday. Fear can cause that feeling. So can stress or anxiety. So can deadlines. When writing feels daunting, just try to go back to the basics. Instead of trying to write a whole page today, just try to get 5 words on paper. They don’t even have to go in order. You don’t have to write from left to right. They don’t have to be in a straight line. Just get five words on paper that describe what you’re feeling or thinking right now, today.

The post Surprising Benefits to Writing or Why Everyone Should Write appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

This Is Your Only Job

Your most important job as a writer—in fact, I would argue your ONLY job—is to keep yourself writing; and trust me, that is job enough.

When you sit down to write, it will seem like all heaven and earth has come down to stop you.

Every distraction, every hesitation, every uncertainty, every insecurity, every dramatic event, every heartsickness will descend on you in the hour you are to write.

You will think to yourself, “Oh, this doesn’t matter much. It can wait until tomorrow. I need to think about it more. It isn’t turning out well, anyway. I’ve written better. Other people have written better. No one will read it. I’m wasting my time. This will never work. I should come back to it later.”

You will be fully convinced all of those things are true (“No really,” you’ll tell me, shaking your head, “In my case it is true!”).

But here’s the thing: none of that is your job to arrange. None of it is your job to coordinate. None of it is your job to ensure. The readership, the organization, the goodness or badness of the writing, how much it will matter in the grand scope of the Universe, whether lives will be changed, even the punctuation and spelling (contrary to popular belief)—none of that is the job of the writer.

Writing is not an exercise of the mind. It is an exercise of the heart. (tweet this)

Come to think of it, the same is true for life.

There are activities in life that require our minds (the mind is important. I’m not diminishing the mind). But the art and the act of living, for the most part, is a task of the heart. And when it comes to how your life is going to turn out at the end, what people are going to say about you at your funeral, what they’ll write on your gravestone, if a decision you make will be the most brilliant decision ever made on the face of planet Earth or whether it will be a colossal failure, well… that’s not really your job to decide.

Your job is to just keep living, just keep facing forward, just keep moving in the direction you’re led.

Give yourself a break. Tell that inner-critic inside of you (you know the one I’m talking about, the one that says, “are you sure you want to do that? You’re going to screw this all up…) to shut up for once.

Sit down and write. Go out there and live your life. The rest will work itself out later.

Besides, this is your only job.

The post This Is Your Only Job appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.