Allison Vesterfelt's Blog, page 22

Something Has to Change

Photo Credit: Keoni Cabral , Creative Commons

We spend a lot of time and energy hoping tomorrow will be better. We hope our marriages will be better, our finances will be better, our health with be better, our friendships will grow deeper, our family relationships will include less drama, and our careers will become more fulfilling or exciting.

If we’re optimists, we spend our energy talking about how it will be better, it’s already getting better in fact, and how, if “you just wait, you’ll see” because tomorrow is going to be a new day.

If we’re pessimists (or, as pessimists like to call themselves, realists) we just complain about how crummy the situation is, and how maybe we’ll be one of the lucky ones who catches a break. But probably not.

Either way, I wonder how often tomorrow is actually better?

Doesn’t it seem like, most of the time, for most people, tomorrow is pretty much the same? Or (heaven forbid) worse?

It occurred to me recently that, for all of the energy we spend hoping things will be different, we are very rarely willing to do the most obvious thing required in order to make those things different.

We are very rarely willing to change ourselves.

In order for our marriages to change, or our careers to change, or our friendships to change or our finances to change, one very crucial thing must change, first. We must change. It’s true. If “something” has to change in your life, or my life, it almost always starts with you changing, or me changing. We must change the way we think, feel and behave.

There are very few exceptions to this rule.

Before I met my husband, most of the dating relationships I had ended in confusion, pain, disappointment and (honestly) dishonesty on both sides. Several years ago, when one of these relationships was ending that same way, I lamented to a friend: This “always” happens to me, I told her.

She asked me a question I hated at the time, but now, with hindsight, I see as really wise. She said:

“Who is the common denominator in each of those relationships?”

Her advise, once I had the humility to accept it, was really helpful. The common denominator in each of those relationships wasn’t the guys (each guy was different). It wasn’t timing or circumstances or surroundings (all the relationships happened in different stages of life, in different locations).

The common denominator in each of those relationships was me.

Which meant, if I wanted my romantic life to change, I didn’t just need to change my circumstances or even choice of dates or the way I talked about dating, nearly as much as I needed to change me.

If I wanted my romantic life to change, I needed to change.

One specific piece of advice she gave me at the time was to stop being so afraid to speak up about what I wanted. She recommended that, no matter what happened with this particular relationship, I find a way to speak my mind before it was all over. I liked her idea. It sounded nice. But I was also nervous.

This was different than anything I had ever done before.

But isn’t this what we have to be willing to do if we want things to turn out differently than they ever have before — to do things differently?

I decided to take her up on her advice, just to see. I told her I would have the conversation, say my piece as kindly as I could, and let her know how things turned out. The conversation happened, the relationship promptly ended, and in my mind I felt like saying, “See, there’s nothing I can do!”

But then three weeks later, I met my husband.

These two occurrences — the conversation where I spoke my mind to an ex-boyfriend, and meeting my husband — weren’t connected in any specific sense. They weren’t externally linked. But they were internally linked because the change in my circumstances started with a change in me.

If you ask me, the same is true for all of us. If we want something in our lives to be different, we can’t just hope and pray they will become different (although hope and prayer are good things, they are not like magic wants).

If we want something to be different, we must learn to act differently, think differently, respond differently and, as a result, feel differently than we’ve ever felt before.

Something does have to change.

But usually, it’s me and you.

The post Something Has to Change appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Weekend Reading

photo: Vinoth Chandar, Creative Commons

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

Being Thankful in All Of Life’s Trials | Matt Appling

This is a heart-wrenching post by my friend Matt, who spend Thanksgiving in the hospital with his wife. The strength of Matt and Cherie’s character in the midst of devastation and heartbreak is inspiring; and reminds me that it really is possible to use pain and loss to our benefit. Please drop Matt an encouraging comment, and maybe say a prayer if that’s your thing.

Success Won’t Make You Happy | Casey Graham

I couldn’t help but share this, even though I shared another article from Casey last week. This line struck me as so true, even with the tiny sliver of success I’ve experienced in my lifetime: “Success makes you more of what you already are.” Reminds me, yet again, to see my life and my career as a journey, not a destination.

Celebrate What You Already Own | Michael Williams

This isn’t an anti-shopping post. It’s simply a call to celebrate what you already own. I loved the simple encouragement to “Buy less, buy better,” and “Fix, don’t replace.” The “buy better” part is paradigm-shifting for me (for me, cheaper has always been better) but I’m learning to see how, in conjunction with the two other values, buying “better” can save you money, time and energy in the end.

A Good Marriage is A Good Marriage | Gary Thomas

I’ve heard it said that, “Good is the enemy of great,” but what if “great” or “perfect” is also the enemy of good? In other words, what if your image of a “perfect” marriage (or career, or life, or family, or friendship) is keeping you from enjoying the good marriage, friendship, career or life you already have?

Three Things You Can Do To Improve Your Mood in 2 Minutes | Daniela Tempesta (via Huffington Post)

I used to have a friend in high school who insisted I could get rid of a headache with the power of positive thought. I always laughed at him, while popping a couple of Advil. These days, I’m starting to see how he was onto something. I love the suggestions this writer gives: Physical posturing to change your emotional reality. I dare you to try it!

The post Weekend Reading appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Finding Gratitude Beyond My Circumstances

Photo Credit: Ben Seidelman, Creative Commons

I’ve not always been very good at being thankful. In fact, for many years of my life, I felt like I’d been dealt the short end of the stick in life, that my circumstances were more difficult than everyone else’s.

How was I supposed to be thankful when all my friends had more money, more stuff, more influence, more excitement, more adventure and more popularity than I did?

Needless to say, I hardly even recognize that girl anymore. In fact, when I think about it, I’m a little embarrassed.

But the craziest part is, my ability to feel thankful now doesn’t come from improved circumstances. In fact, if anything, I have less money, less stuff, and less popularity than I did when I complained about those things.

Still, one major thing has changed. I’ve learned that gratitude isn’t dependent on my circumstances. Gratitude is like a muscle, and the more I learn to flex it and to exercise it, the stronger it becomes, the more gratitude I feel, and the deeper that gratitude reaches, even when my circumstances don’t warrant it.

I’m still learning, but this is what gratitude looks like for me.

I recognize everything I have is a gift.

This has been a major shift in perspective for me, maybe because I grew up in a culture that taught me my needs and wants were more important than everyone else’s, and that I deserved to have those needs and wants met. Or, maybe I didn’t need culture to teach me this. Maybe this is just the darkness that comes, when we let it, out of the human heart.

Either way, I’m learning to see everything I have as more than I deserve.

I’m learning it’s okay to want things.

For so many years I convinced myself wants were bad — after all, I was never going to get what I wanted anyway, and if I admitted my wants out loud, they would just made me look selfish (I was). But pushing my wants away or pretending like they didn’t exist wasn’t getting me anywhere. In fact, my selfish wants were just festering and rotting inside of me.

I wasn’t getting better. I was getting worse.

It wasn’t until I learned to admit what I wanted, to talk about why, and to throw my whole weight into pursuing the things that mattered, that I learned what I really wanted wasn’t so far outside of my grasp.

I started saying it before I felt it.

For a long time I resisted this because it felt inauthentic. I had many friends in my life who were eternal optimists, and I respected them, even wanted to be like them in a way, but every time I opened my mouth to say words like, “Even though this isn’t ideal, I’m thankful…” it felt like I was lying. It felt like I wasn’t being myself.

Since then I’ve discovered that sometimes it starts with words, and the feelings slowly follow. Sometimes we have to change the stories we tell ourselves before the realities we feel can catch up.

Sometimes we have to put words to something before we can believe it exists.

I focus on the small things.

My mom calls them TJs. Tiny Joys. I like that. And at the end of the day, if I talk to my mom on the phone, she will likely have half a dozen “TJ’s” she could tell you about from her day. TJ’s don’t have to be extravagant or outlandish. In fact, they rarely are. They’re usually things like running into an old friend, a favorite song on the radio, or something funny someone said at work.

What I’ve found is that, when I focus on the small reasons to be grateful in my life, even when they might feel miniscule or unimportant, usually, after awhile, they add up to something big.

And it’s happening. Slowly, but surely, my gratitude muscle is become more pronounced. I hope yours is, too.

The post Finding Gratitude Beyond My Circumstances appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Three Ways to Use Pain to Your Benefit

I was in pain for six months of the last year of my life — real, serious, physical pain. It started in my right shoulder blade and migrated down my arm somehow, until I couldn’t feel my hand at times, and would have to squeeze between my thumb and my first finger to get the aching to subside.

Even then, there was only slight relief.

photo: daverose259, creative commons

Today, thankfully, I’m not in pain anymore. Between acupuncture and yoga and vacation, I resolved the problem, although I never pinpointed exactly what it was (probably stress). But ever since the pain subsided I’ve been thinking about it, about how those six months of agony felt like such a waste.

Is there a way we can use pain to our advantage?

I practice yoga on a fairly regular basis, usually in my living room with an YouTube instructor and my personal mat in a private space, all by myself. But recently I attended a class taught by a new friend of mine here in Nashville, and as she was guiding us through the poses and positions, I couldn’t help but think about how her instruction gave a voice to why pain matters.

If we learn to do these three things well, I think the disadvantage of pain can become an incredible advantage to us.

Breathe through the pain

It’s funny that we would have to remind ourselves to breathe, isn’t it? Breathing is one of the most fundamental instincts of human life. It is the life source for all of the muscles and systems and soft tissue and organs in our body. But still, when the going gets rough, we forget to breathe.

I ran a marathon a few years ago, and I’ll never forget how, for the last four miles of the race, I had to actually tell myself, out loud, to breathe. The more my body struggled to make it to the finish line, the less instinctual breathing became.

And yet, if we don’t breathe, our body quite literally quits functioning.

The art of breathing is one of the foundational practices of yoga and, if I’m honest, I have to admit I thought it was a little weird at first. I’ll never forget the first time I actually went to a studio to take a yoga class and everyone around me was breathing really loud, out loud. “What a bunch of weirdos!” I thought to myself.

Come to find out, this practice of breathing deeply and consistently, into and in spite of the tension and pain you feel while practicing yoga, is one of the primary ways we flush toxins out of our body and gain strength and healing.

Mastering your breathing is a sign of wellness and strength.

What if we learned to breathe through the pain we experience in life? What if, when we were experiencing pain — physical or emotional — we learned to keep a steady rhythm of breathing, a sense of consistency, a deep inhale of the good things, the God things, the things that bring life and strength and wellness into our world, and a strong, certain exhale of the rest?

What if, when we felt like everything was going to fall apart, we just kept breathing?

Change your mind about shaking.

During the middle of this class with my friend, we were holding a pose that felt particularly difficult for me, and she said something that grabbed my attention. She said, “Your muscles might be shaking right now, but that’s okay. Shaking is a good thing. Shaking means you’re building strength.”

Wow, I thought. Shaking means you’re building strength.

What if we could see “shaking” that way in all aspects of our life? What if, the next time I felt like I was unsteady, or out-on-a-ledge, or barely making it from day to day, I told myself, “It’s okay. Shaking is a good thing. Shaking means you’re building strength.”? If I believed that, I wonder if I would resent myself so much for shaking, if I would keep punishing myself for being “weak.”

I wonder if I would still back off or out of positions, assuming it was “too much” for me.

Or if, instead, I would lean into the “pose” or position or circumstance telling myself, “shaking means you’re building strength.”

Discern the difference between Good Pain and Bad Pain

Part of why I think I resist pain, or resent it, or am afraid of it, is because I’ve spent most of my life ignoring the fact that there are two kinds of pain. One kind of pain is good pain, teaching pain, growing pain, learning pain.

The other kind of pain is warning sign pain, flashing-red-light pain, a sure sign we’re headed in the wrong direction pain.

Sometimes pain says, “You have room to grow here,” and other times pain says, “Get out. This is dangerous. You’re facing serious injury if you don’t listen up.”

If we don’t know the difference between the two, we don’t know how to respond when the pain comes. Either we live our whole lives with injuries we didn’t know we had, backing off from pain without seeking healing, avoiding pain without seeing there is a cure. Or, we miss out on growth because we’re afraid of pain, we think all pain is bad pain, we can’t accept what the “shaking” says about us:

There’s room for growth here… we all have a long way to go…

The post Three Ways to Use Pain to Your Benefit appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Weekend Reading

photo: Vinoth Chandar, Creative Commons

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

Evangelicals and Gender Equality | Bill & Lynn Hybels

With all the talk about gender roles in the church this week, I was really encouraged by this article. It’s very long, so save it for a time you have a good amount of time to read, but I appreciated hearing from Bill and Lynn both: both people in the church I respect, both leaders and influencers, both people who have experienced years of family life and church life. It was so insightful and nuanced and good.

What My Mother Taught Me | Shauna Niequist

If you like the article by Bill and Lynn Hybels, you’ll love this one, by their daughter, Shauna. She shares what she learned about women in leadership by watching her mom; and how those lessons have impacted her decisions about motherhood, parenting and career now. I admire Shauna a great deal and was so encouraged by her words and her struggle.

How Gentleness and Greatness Go Hand-in-Hand | Sarah Mae (via inCourage)

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m afraid that being gentle means I won’t ever be great at anything. This article was a good reminder to me that my fear is unwarranted. Gentleness and greatness can go hand in hand. Although this is written to parents, specifically,  I saw even more application than that.

How to Conquer the Early Struggles of Running A Company | Casey Graham

When I saw Casey tweet something about how starting a company is a little bit like getting in a bar fight, I couldn’t resist reading this post. Once I read it I realized: It isn’t just starting a company that feels like getting in a bar fight, it’s starting anything — a dream, a marriage, a relationship, anything. (I’ve never actually been in a bar fight, but you get the idea).

How to Shop Ethically | Tsh Oxenreider (via The Art of Simple)

I shared something from Tsh last week, and I usually don’t share articles from the same authors two weeks in a row, but with this one I couldn’t resist. With Christmas coming up, I’ve been asking myself what it looks like to shop ethically, and I really love her balanced and reasonable (and non-judgmental) approach.

The post Weekend Reading appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Packing Light Story: Matt Knisley

When Words Cut Deep

Have you ever noticed how the things people say to us and about us when we are very young can have a huge bearing on who we become? Someone calls us stupid, and for our whole lives, we feel insecure about our intelligence. An elementary teacher notices our talent with writing; and it builds our confidence and pushes us to grow our ability.

Someone tells us we look ugly in the color yellow, and we refuse to wear the color for the rest of our adult lives, without even remembering why.

This interview with my friend Matt Knisley — an Emmy Award Winning photographer — discusses exactly that. When he was young, someone told him he was either going to be a criminal, or a used car salesman. But instead of letting those words define him, he rose above them.

Hearing his story reminded me about how Packing Light is about far more than physical possessions. It’s about words and emotions and ideas about ourselves that we carry around but are really heavy. This heavy stuff, if we fail to recognize it, has the ability to hold us back.

I know you’ll enjoy this conversation with Matt Knisley as much as I did.

 

 

Packing Light is available wherever books are sold!

Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books a Million | Christian Book Distributors | Parable

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Where I Stand On Gender Roles

Photo Credit: Mike Baird, Creative Commons

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt afraid to hit “publish” on a blog post. I’ve been doing this for years now, putting my secrets and thoughts and musings online, turning myself inside out on the Internet so that others could comment and judge if they wanted to, but hopefully so they would grow and learn.

I’ve become fairly used to it. Desensitized, in a way.

Still, for all that time, this subject has remained off-limits. It was too sensitive, too volatile, I figured. And besides, I didn’t know what to say. I tried to write about it. I really did. But it never worked. Each time I would try to write why I am a feminist, I would end up realizing I wasn’t. Each time I would try to write about why I wasn’t a feminist, I would come out realizing I actually was.

And there were only so many times I could drive around the circle, you know? There were only so many times I could try to write about something I didn’t know.

They say you can only write what you know.

And I don’t know what I am.

I know that I’m a woman with passions, desires, dreams and ideas. I know that if I were bombarded daily with messaged that told me I couldn’t dream, shouldn’t dream, didn’t dare chase after the things that mattered to me because of my woman-ness, because of my femininity, I would feel deflated and crushed.

I would probably feel pissed, actually.

But that’s not been my experience.

In fact, my husband tells me daily I have what it takes, that I’m stronger than I think I am. He has put his dreams on the line for mine at times, taking a back seat, waiting backstage, so my voice could have a bigger platform. I’m dumbfounded, regularly, that he would do this for me — for me?

What do I have to offer?

What do I have to say?

I am my own oppressor, more than anyone.

It hasn’t always been this way. As a young girl I was “oppressed” in a really specific way, abused, taken advantage of because I was weaker, not because I was a woman necessarily, but because I couldn’t speak for myself, and because there was no one else there to speak on my behalf.

So I’m no stranger to outside oppression. I know it exists. It isn’t a figment of our imaginations. But at some point the persecution moves from the outside to the inside, and if you ask me, that is the real danger.

If there is anything that keeps me from believing I can be a leader, an influencer, a voice to the masses (men and women alike) it hasn’t been other people, it’s been me… this sense I have that I must be all things to all people, that I can’t do anything right, that no matter how hard I try I will always be a disappointment.

There have, at times, been people who perpetuated that message, but the strongest and most life-stealing voice hasn’t come from the outside of me. It has come from the inside; and no matter how hard other people have tried to push me out, to propel me forward, I’ve always found myself back in that same self-loathing place, wondering if I even mattered.

Which is why this conversation is so hard for me…

Because for me (not for everyone, but for me) the real battle, the hardest battle, doesn’t feel external. It feels internal.

And the women in my life — oh, the women in my life — this complicates things even further. Because I grew up watching women I loved and cared for and cherished and respected manage their homes and grow their babies and pour their whole souls into it with a sort of abandon. I always envied them a little. They seemed to be so at peace with their role.

I never saw myself as one of them, but I wanted to be, if only because it was so beautiful.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be like Rose (Kate Winslet) from Titanic.

The movie came out my freshman year and I watched it in the movie theater ten times, at least. My friend worked at the theater and would let me in for free.

It was a little ridiculous, I know. But l couldn’t get enough of it.

I was just barely old enough to understand sex and love and men and women, and I was coming into an era of my life where you start experimenting with how all of that works and, when I watched Jack say to Rose, “Do you trust me?” and she put her hand in his, something shifted inside of me, something I couldn’t quite explain or ignore.

I wanted to trust a man that much, to have him protect me and keep me safe.

But then again, I wanted to be as brave as Rose when she rushed to the flooding hull of the ship to rescue Jack — flinging the axe around awkwardly (with just enough skill to release him from his handcuffs, but not so much that you’d want her to do it again).

This wasn’t theology or sociology. It was just a teenage movie, and my teenage response to it.

And now that I’m married, I feel torn about how the rest is supposed to go, too.

My life is changing and shifting and as a result my heart is changing and shifting right along with it. I wasn’t sure I would ever want to have children, but the more deeply I fall in love with my husband the stronger that desire grows, and I’m not sure how one is supposed to be a mom… but also more.

I feel guilty for thinking motherhood could not be enough…

I feel sad at the thought of bypassing it…

I feel worried that I’ll make the “wrong” choice…

And, mostly, I feel angry at myself for thinking that if motherhood means letting go of my passions and dreams, it wouldn’t be worth it to me.

People I love are on both sides of this equation, which complicates things even more.

These are people I care for, people I admire, people I long to be like in many ways. Asking me to draw a line right down the middle feels like asking me to live on one side of that line — with some of these people, and without the rest of them. It feels like asking me to abandon those who have been spiritual, emotional and practical mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters to me.

It feels like asking me to stand against the very people who have stood for me, who have been there for me to pick up the pieces when I fell apart.

I’m not willing to do that.

Does it have to be either, or? Can we live in the world of both, and?

I know this is wishful thinking on my part, because life doesn’t always work like that. Life can’t always be grey. For me, things often feel grey. But I’m learning to see how even something that feels grey can’t always be grey.

But I feel ripped in half by the thought I would have to choose some of my “people” and not others.

I can’t choose…

I don’t want to choose…

I said before that I don’t know what I am, but maybe it’s not so much that I don’t know what I am as it is that I don’t have a name for it. And naming it feels pointless at this juncture, because who I am is shifting, even as I commit these words to paper, even as I stare at my glowing computer screen.

I am changing, shifting, growing, learning.

And I supposed I just wonder if I’m alone…

I’m thrilled there is a conversation happening. I’ve read so many beautiful stories this week that are helping to shape and affirm the woman I’m becoming. But I hope we don’t get so caught up in the conversations, or even arguments, that we lose sight of ourselves in the process, that we lose sight of each other — men and women and people alike who are just doing our best to come into ourselves.

The post Where I Stand On Gender Roles appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

How to Unpack Chronic Anxiety

I’ve dealt with chronic anxiety for most of my life. In fact, when I was a little girl, it was so bad I developed stomach problems. Later in life, almost a decade ago now, I sought the help of medication and therapy just to survive.

I’m so thankful those resources were available to me and helped me get back on my feet. But, I’ll be honest. I would never want to go back to that season of my life. It was awful.

photo: Son of Groucho, Creative Commons

These days, I don’t deal with anxiety nearly the way I used to. But I have noticed how, during stressful seasons, or when I’m really tired and run down, or just extended outside of my comfort zone, anxiety comes back to me in smaller doses, and it reminds me how out of control I felt.

When these moments come, it’s tempting to think this will be an obstacle I’ll never overcome. But instead I remind myself of the progress I’ve made, take a deep breath and continue to lean toward healing and freedom.

I thought I’d share a little bit of that process with you.
Disclaimer: I am not a trained therapist. I’m simply sharing from my experience. Anxiety can be difficult and dangerous. If your anxiety is a threat to your health, please seek the help of a professional.
A few weeks ago I was at a conference.

I was attending the conference — not even speaking. In fact, I was invited to this event as a guest, and it was supposed to be a short time of respite between one long travel season and the next. My husband got to come with me, and we were excited to see our friends over the weekend.

But 12 hours into the event, I couldn’t hold it together.

It was so strange. I didn’t have anything to be stressed about. No messages or meetings to prepare for. No flights to catch. Nobody to impress. In fact, just the opposite. This was supposed to be restful. But still, my heart was racing, and my body felt like it had been taken over by an alien entity of adrenaline.

I couldn’t get my mind to turn off for long enough to have a conversation.

I was so frustrated.

So, out of pure habit, I asked myself this question: Why do I feel guilty?

My dad is a clinical psychologist and this is something he’s told me from a young age. He says, “Anxiety is often a symptom of guilt. When you’re feeling anxious, ask yourself what you feel guilty about, and you’ll usually find the root.”

At first when he told me this, it didn’t ring true to me, mostly because my anxiety didn’t feel connected to anything. Often I would have anxiety attacks when I was doing the most mundane things, like checking e-mail or doing the dishes. It felt like something was simply occurring to my body.

But the more I started to explore my dad’s suggestion, the more truth I found in it.

For example, years ago in therapy, I realized there was a secret I had been keeping completely outside of my conscious mind that was the root of much of my anxiety. Things would happen that seemed totally disconnected from the anxiety I felt, but they would “trigger” the memory (in a nearly unconscious way) and I would have an anxiety attack.

I didn’t know this, or didn’t realize it, until someone knew the right questions to ask to get to the root of my guilt.

And, of course, it wasn’t until I realized where the guilt was coming from that I could give myself permission to let it go. What happened was not my fault.

I had no reason to feel guilty.

So when the anxiety came at this conference recently, I started by asking myself the question, simply out of habit: “What do you feel guilty about, Ally?” Nothing came to mind right away, but the more time I spent in thought and prayer over it (like peeling back the layers of an onion) the more I realized I did feel guilty about something.

Something so stupid…

So stupid I was embarrassed to admit it…

But it was true…

I was feeling guilty about my e-mail inbox.

My e-mail inbox? I said to myself. Really? Something as stupid and mundane as e-mail is powerful enough to send me into a fit of anxiety? That doesn’t even seem logical.

And of course it isn’t logical, but this is the crazy part about anxiety. Anxiety is rarely logical or productive. Was my guilt or anxiety about e-mail helping me to make any progress or fix a problem? No, but once I pinpointed the source of the guilt, I could take care of it: first, by reminding myself that I’m not responsible to respond to every e-mail that comes my way.

And second, by scheduling a time that day to get caught up.

The second thing I did that day was take a hiatus from alcohol and caffeine.

Actually, that’s not totally true. I fought myself on this one for awhile, because I love coffee and wine. I start every single day with a cup of coffee, and end about three days each week with a glass of red wine.

But, for me, the bottom line is this: I’ve realized how these two things are substances that altar my body’s chemistry (sugar does this too) and a huge part of anxiety is my body’s chemistry. If I want to attack anxiety from all sides, I have to attack the physical as well as the emotional.

In order to overcome the physiological aspects of anxiety, I have to get my body chemistry in balance.

Sadly this means, when I’m going through a particularly “high anxiety” period of my life, I choose to give up alcohol, caffeine and most sugar to get myself back to a place of balance. I also drink a ton of water, I exercise, and I try to sleep for eight hours a night.

There are so many verses in the Bible that talk about anxiety —

But when I’m honest, I have to say that during the times in my life when the anxiety was the worst, these verses didn’t help. In fact, hearing God tell me to “fear not” over and over again made me feel like a failure, like I could never live the kind of life God wanted me to live (more guilt, more anxiety).

Part of me wants to include those verses here, all the beautiful words that feel like encouragement to me these days, words about how we don’t have to worry or spin because God will clothe us in splendor like the flowers of the field (Matthew 6).

But instead I’ll just say this: God is the one who takes care of our guilt. In fact, He may be the only one who can put it to death forever.

Unpack your guilt. But don’t leave it spread out on your living room floor. Take it to Him.

I know as well as anyone that anxiety is not an easy-fix, so please don’t hear me saying that. But talking myself through this process has helped me a ton.

I hope it helps you, too.

The post How to Unpack Chronic Anxiety appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Weekend Reading

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

When We Chase Instead of Build | Brett Henley (via Proof Branding)

So often we allow ourselves to believe there is a quick route to success. We look at others who achieve incredible things, and think they must have had a “lucky break” when the truth is, behind every great accomplishment is a great deal discipline, hard work, dedication and even failure. Dream chasing is not sexy. The chase is the reward.

Don’t Expand Your Influence, Deepen It | Donald Miller (via Storyline Blog)

I love this reminder from Donald Miller that more is not always better. When it comes to influence, or achievement, or relationships, or physical possessions, sometimes our pursuit of more keeps us from cultivating and valuing the gifts that are right in front of us.

Do The Thing In Front of You | Tsh Oxenreider (via The Art of Simple)

Do you ever feel totally overwhelmed by the number of things you have to do in a day, or a week, or a year? Do you feel like, no matter how hard you work, you can’t keep up with your house, or your friendships, or your work load, or your commitments? Oh, just me? I love this simple suggestion. When life feels overwhelming, start with what’s in front of you.

Your Clutter is Killing Your Creativity (And What to Do About It) | Jeff Goins

I don’t know about you, but I love to use the “I’m just a creative” excuse when it comes to explaining why I can be so disorganized. For me, clutter is usually more about my calendar than it is about what’s in my desk space, but either way, what if “creatives” don’t have to be so cluttered after all? What if the opposite is possible, and even better?

Unloading the Excess Baggage in Your Life | Brian Gardner

Brian Gardner designed the theme I use for my site, so when Darrell and I realized he lived in the Chicago area, and we were headed there this week, we couldn’t help but reach out and ask him to have coffee. I’m so glad we did. I shared a copy of Packing Light, and he shared some thoughts he had as he began reading. I love the questions he asked. For example, is it possible to miss your calling?

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Learning How To Be Blessed

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to figure out how to “be blessed.” I’ve come at it from different angles in different seasons of my life, depending on my perspective at the time. But I’ve always been trying to answer the same question: What do I need to do in order to achieve happiness, health, healing, balance and success?

photo: Maco, Creative Commons

I would read books, articles, magazines, The Bible, listen to podcasts, seek wisdom wherever else I could think to find it, trying to uncover the perfect formula for “blessed” finances, a “blessed” marriage, a “blessed” career and a “blessed” social life.

But lately I’ve been wondering: What does it even mean to be blessed?

Typically, I think of blessings as things that make me happy and comfortable. I think of blessings as things like book sales, paychecks, couches, coffee, good conversations, or a night out with friends. Blessings are good relationships with family members or unexpected gifts from my husband.

Isn’t that what blessings are?

When I get flowers or perfume or new clothes I say I’m blessed. I say a blessing over each meal, rich with flavor and nutrition. I pray a friend will be “blessed” with a job she is seeking, or a beautiful home or the marriage she’s always dreamed of.

When I find myself overcome with grief or boredom or fear, I remind myself of all the ways I am blessed — that I am warm, I am fed, I have a roof over my head.

Of course, all of these are blessings. But is this the only way to be blessed?

Recently, I traveled to Guatemala, and I was struck by the fact that, although the people I met in this developing country didn’t enjoy any of the “blessings” I commonly name in my life, they are blessed. In fact, they are so blessed, they passed their blessing on to me in a way I can only hope to mimic.

My experience made me wonder: What if my definition of “blessed” is just way too thin?

I want to tread carefully here, because I don’t want to minimize or ignore the fact that there are real needs which must be met. People all over the world are suffering because of lack of blessings I enjoy everyday —  like food, love, security, and belonging.

But what if they know how to be blessed in a way I am not?

What if blessing is bigger than we realize? What if the things we dread, or pray against or would never wish on our worst enemy can be blessings, too?

For example, what if it is a blessing, in a way, to be without a job — because it gives me the opportunity to see how I am not the sum of what I do?

What if it is a blessing to feel depressed, because sinking to the pit of despair gives me a chance to put grief and bitterness to death, and become someone new?

What if I am blessed when I can’t shop at Anthropologie, or buy a new Mini Cooper, or get myself an iPad, because only then do I discover that clothes and cars and technology do not make me valuable.

I already am valuable.

What if I am blessed, in a way, when finances are tight, because I learn about creativity, innovation, and God’s unending love?

What if failure is as big a blessing as success?

What if this is how I learn, or grow, or am redirected to something new?

What if it is a blessing to be pushed out, or disowned, or disregarded by people I love? What if having empathy for those on the outside teaches me how to be the kind of person who invites others in?

What if I’m blessed when I argue with my husband, or my parents, or a co-worker, because conflict gives us a chance to come to new understanding?

What if I am blessed when I don’t have much money for Christmas presents, because then I am able to focus on what really matters around the holidays, rather than fighting traffic and crowds to buy presents I’ll donate to Goodwill in coming years?

What if I’m blessed and I don’t even know it?

What if we all did a better job of sharing our blessings with others? What if we all learned how to be blessed in new ways?

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