Allison Vesterfelt's Blog, page 20

5 Common Thoughts That Were Ruining My Life

Have you ever considered that the simple, common thoughts you have about yourself, about others, and about the world you live in might be running (and maybe ruining) your life?

Photo Credit: Colby Stopa, Creative Commons

I’ve been reading a book recently that suggest this is true, and the research is compelling. According to Dr. Caroline Leaf, author of a book called Who Switched Off My Brain? our thoughts are like active, living things in our brains and they actually work to shape the physical structure of our brains, and therefore the reality we experience on a day to day basis.

Our thoughts are not neutral, she argues. They are powerful, and ever-changing.

In one sense, this is terrifying, don’t you think?

Because it means the thoughts that come through your brain have the ability to shift your physical body, to shape the actual structure of your brain, and to impact your experience of reality.

On the other hand, this is incredibly freeing. Because it means that an honest inventory (and spring-cleaning) of the thoughts you entertain could trigger tangible changes to your life and body. As I’ve been reflecting over the past few weeks about the thoughts which have negatively impacted my life, here are a few that came to mind.

1. Other people are inherently better, smarter, prettier, cooler, or more capable than I am.

I don’t know where I picked up this thought, but it’s played a too-prominent role in my life over the last decade or so. The truth is that there are wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, “cool,” and capable people all around me, but by celebrating their strengths, and choosing to collaborate rather than compete (or surrender, and self-deprecate), I demonstrate, cultivate and expand my own unique value.

2. I deserve better

I deserve to be treated better, to have a better living situation, a better car, a better life, etc, etc.

The truth is there is nothing more toxic than believing I “deserve” a better life than the one I have. I deserve nothing. Everything I have is grace. Lately I’ve been meditating on the common verse from Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all the rest will be added to you” and the meaning behind this verse is coming to life in a whole new way for me.

It’s simple, really. When we seek first the things of God (love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, self-control) everything else feels like icing on the cake.

3. The life I desire isn’t possible. My dreams are out of reach.

This thought is debilitating because it steals my hope. I’m learning to see lately how there is so much more within my reach than I have previously realized; and while the universe does not revolve around me, it is possible to have my deepest desires met when I’m honest about what I want, give up what it takes to go after it, and refuse to give up until the end is achieved.

4. The world is out to get me. The game is rigged.

I’ve always felt like, if things weren’t going my way, it was because the “game” of life was rigged. There was no point in trying. The end result would always be the same.

More recently I’m ditching this toxic thought. Most often, the patterns that repeat themselves in my life have a common denominator—me. It wasn’t easy to admit this to myself, because it meant taking personal responsibility for what I had done wrong, turning, and forging a brand new (scary, foreign) path for the future.

But accepting personal responsibility for the challenges in my life also uncovered great joy and meaning by offering a redemptive perspective to my suffering and giving me new-found emotional and spiritual freedom.

5. There are good people and there are bad people. The good people are on my team, and the bad people are out to get us.

This idea is reinforced by a ton of popular culture—and even religion. The problem is it’s really not Biblical, fair or productive.

This mindset fostered a posture of constant protection against potential threats and rendered me closed to experiences, ideas and people I didn’t expect or understand. When I close myself to what I believe is “bad” (which is based on my limited perception) I simultaneously close myself to what is good, too. A posture like this fosters bitterness, hatred, anger, fear, rage and resentment.

A life lived open, in contrast, is a life full of love, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, and self-control.

Can you think of other negative thoughts that are running (or maybe ruining) your life?

The post 5 Common Thoughts That Were Ruining My Life appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

How to Avoid Becoming the Person You Hate

Have you ever noticed how people often become the very thing they hate?

A man grows up with a cold and abusive father, and ends up becoming a cold and abusive father himself. A woman feels trapped in a marriage with a critical and angry husband, and in turn she becomes critical and angry toward everyone around her.

A generation of people feel rejected by the church, so turn around and reject those who first rejected them.

I’ve found this tendency in myself, as well. I was abused as a child—lied to, tricked, manipulated, used. I hated the person who did that to me. But until I realized what was going on, I actually began using these same tactics as an adult to get what I wanted out of people and relationships.

How can we avoid this sad and messy pattern?

The first things that come to mind are things like addressing the bitterness in our hearts, finding forgiveness, love and healing. Those are all wonderful steps that will certainly contribute to our ability to choose for ourselves how we will act, rather than being controlled by the actions of others.

Photo Credit: A New Perspective, Creative Commons

But there’s a less obvious answer I think is equally as important.

It goes like this: Don’t avoid anything.

In other words: what if, instead of investing all of our energy into what we don’t want to become (mean-spirited, critical, angry, abusive) we invested our time and resources toward what we do want to become (loving, kind, gracious, forgiving, etc). This might seem like a minor distinction, but I believe it’s really important.

Dr. Caroline Leaf is the author of a book called “Who Switched Off My Brain?” where she shares how toxic emotions work to control our reality. Something from that book has been on my mind ever since I read it. Leaf says there are only two primary emotions: love and fear.

If we’re feeling one, Leaf says, we can’t feel the other.

That was shocking to me, honestly, and really convicting.

Because it means that anytime I’m scared of anything (running out of money, being hurt, or becoming like someone I hate) my fear is literally taking up the space where love could exist. The more fear I’m holding, the less love I can manage.

This lines up with scripture as well, which says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:8).

Additionally, we tend to move in the direction of our focus.

Have you ever noticed that? It’s the same concept as “keep your eye on the ball,” or “don’t look behind you, or your opponent will pass.” The basic idea is simply that we move in the direction we’re pointed.

So in other words, the more I focus on a person I hate, the more I meditate on their behavior, the more I consider how I can avoid becoming like them, the more I become like them. The more I resist becoming like something I dislike, the more I accidentally move toward those qualities.

What if I took my focus off of hate and fear altogether, and simply turned my focus toward love?

What if I stopped paying attention to what I don’t want to be, and started paying attention to what I do want to be instead? I wonder if that would make all the difference in the world.

The post How to Avoid Becoming the Person You Hate appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Weekend Reading

photo: Vinoth Chandar, Creative Commons

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

11 Resolutions for A Better You | Joshua Becker

Since I shared that my resolution this year is to be nice to myself this year, I bet you can see how this list is congruent with that goal. I especially want to focus on number 11—determining and allowing myself to be happy.

How to Live Dangerously | Jon Acuff

This thought surprised me and made me think. What are the areas of my life where I can use “safety” as leverage to do something a little more dangerous?

Next Resolution: Become ‘Person of the Year’ | Matt Appling

Pope Francis was voted Time Magazines Person of the Year and it’s not hard to discover why. What would it take for you to be voted “person of the year” in 2014? I like the unexpected twist of this article, and think I’ll try to be a “Person of the Year” in my own way, to as many people as possible, in the next 12 months.

A Simple Way to Create Lasting Memories | Tim Schurrer (via Storyline Blog)

I absolutely love this, and watching the snapshot of Tim’s memories from 2013 makes me smile. I’m downloading the app and getting started on my year of memories right now.

Accuracy, Resilience and Denial | Seth Godin

Consider these three different ways to look at your new year—accuracy (or optimism, basically assuming you’re going to win), resilience (an assurance you’ll be “okay,” no matter what happens), or denial (assuming tomorrow will be the same as today). Which will you choose this year? I especially like Seth’s warning about the two mistakes most people tend to make.

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5 Lies That Prevent You From Chasing Your Dream

In chasing my own dream, and watching/helping others chase theirs, I have realized there are five basic lies people believe that prevent them from chasing their dreams. I’ve believed each one of these lies at different points in my journey, and I still catch myself believing some of them today.

I think we have to assume a constant posture of rooting these lies out of our lives, making sure they never grow back again.

Photo Credit: Scarleth White, Creative Commons

1. Other people are smarter, better, or more capable than me.

I love what Steve Jobs says: “Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you.”

The longer I walk on this journey, the more I realize that’s really true.

That doesn’t mean you have all the skills and resources you need to achieve your dream right this second, but you do have absolutely everything you need to get started chasing. The chase includes acquiring the skills and resources.

If you are lacking real, tangible skills or resources:

Learn. Take a class. Buy a book. Search that crazy thing called the Internet.
Practice. Maybe you already know how to do something, you’re just not very good at it. That’s okay. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert. That’s a lot of hours. You had better get started.
Find a side-kick. This is what Steve Jobs did. Invite someone to join your team who has exactly the skill you need.

2. Dreaming is mostly selfish

I would have agreed with this notion before I set out on my own journey to chase my dreams, which is why I understand completely when people say to me, “I just want to make sure my motives are right before I get started chasing my dream.” We’re all worried we’re too concerned with fame, or money, or getting attention from others.

To be fair, we are too concerned with these things (most of us), and narcissism like this will make us crash and burn.

But I’m learning to see how the best way to clear out my self-centerdness is to get started chasing my dream. When I want something desperately, face my fears, deal with rejection, navigate failure, receive criticism, and learn to apologize—my narcissism naturally begins to melt away.

3. The point is to be successful and achieve the dream

When I push people to step out and go after their dream job, or dream life, most people will say something like: “Yeah, but the chances of [getting married, having a baby, being a stay-at-home mom, starting a company, going to France, making a short film or raising that much money] are so slim…”

I want to respond with: “So what?” (I’m usually a little kinder than that).

If we think the point is the dream, of course we’ll be hesitant to chase our dreams because, then, everything hinges on our success.

If we mess up, all of our energy and investment is a waste.

But what if the point isn’t the dream? What if the purpose isn’t the destination, but the journey? What if the point is who you become the process?

4. I need affirmation to get started

Most of us are waiting for some kind of confirmation or affirmation we’re moving in the right direction. Some of us want it from a particular person. Others want a heavenly confirmation from above.

We want our parents (or spouse) to tell us: “That’s a great idea!”

We want God to send a carrier pigeon or billboard.

But the problem with affirmation and feedback (even from God) is its an insatiable monster. You think you need a little feedback, but what you end up needing is a ton of feedback, and even then you don’t believe it. Has this ever happened to you? God sends you a “sign” but then you ask for more.

Why not decide for yourself it is time to get started? That’s when you’re truly ready to submit it to God, and to invite others into it.

5. Dreams are dreamy

When you watch someone live their dream from the outside, it’s easy to think it’s super dream. The problem with this is that, when it comes time to chase your own dream—to create something or go on a trip or quit your job—and you face fear, resistance, frustration, heartbreak and criticism, you assume you’re doing something wrong.

This can’t be right! You think to yourself. This doesn’t feel dreamy at all.

Here’s the truth. Dreams are not dreamy. They’re wonderful, yes. They’re amazing. Life is never more meaningful or more fulfilling than when you want something, desperately, and you choose to go after it.

But no part of it resembles a fairy-tale.

Once you get that misunderstanding out of the way, you can enjoy it for what it really is.

The post 5 Lies That Prevent You From Chasing Your Dream appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

A Suprising Way to Accomplish Your Goals

I’ve been trying an experiment lately. It’s really off-the-wall. Truly. It goes like this: I’m being nice to myself. And it’s having some really surprising consequences (at least surprising to me).

I’m accomplishing more.

Photo Credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk, Creative Commons

I figured the opposite would be true, honestly. I figured, if I was nice to myself, I’d probably accomplish less. I’d probably end up laying around all day eating Bon-Bons or something. But the longer I conduct this experiment the more I realize I was wrong.

The nicer I am to myself, the more I get done.

The idea for the experiment came from a realization I had recently that, if a friend treated me the way I treated myself, I would not be friends with her anymore. Honestly. I would ditch her in a heartbeat. And yet I continued to treat myself like that, day after day—chastising myself for not achieving more, never being satisfied with my own accomplishments, rarely allowing myself permission to rest or relax.

When I asked myself why I talked to myself this way, the thought that quickly came to mind shocked me. it went like this: “If I don’t talk to myself like this, I’ll never get anything done.”

Really? I didn’t even realize I thought that, but I suppose I did.

The way I figured, if I was nice to myself—if I just let myself “go with the flow” so to speak—I would  never work out, never get much work done, never clean my house, and just generally end up living in squalor. It might sound ridiculous to you, but I was pretty convinced of it.

So, just to test it, I decided to do this experiment.

It’s nothing earth-shattering. In fact, I didn’t even tell many people I was doing it. I just decided that, when my alarm went off at 5:00am to do my work, if I didn’t want to get up, I wouldn’t do it. When it came time during the day to go for my usual run, if I didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t do it.

And at several points during the day, I would tell myself nice things I thought about myself, like, “you should be proud of yourself for writing 2000 words today. That’s a huge accomplishment,” or “Good for you for taking the day off of running. Your body probably needed the rest.”

When I wasn’t sure what nice thing to say to myself, I imagined what my husband would say to me, what my mom or dad would say to me, or what my friends would say about me if asked to say something nice about me off-the-cuff.

I even congratulated myself for being nice to myself.

And you know what has happened? It’s the strangest thing.

Most days, I went running anyway. Most days, I woke up at 5am anyway (I’m a morning person). Some days I didn’t, but most days I did. And on the days I didn’t, I allowed myself to really relish the opportunity to sleep in a few extra hours. I curled up close to my husband, and cherished those moments.

On the days I decided not to go running, I didn’t punish myself with harsh words or counting calories. Instead, I ate cake. Or whatever I felt like eating, until I was satisfied. I enjoyed every minute.

The world didn’t fall apart. Even my life didn’t fall apart.

Somehow my work all got completed—sometimes not as quickly as it would have before, but sometimes even more quickly, and almost always better quality.

It turns out the fear and shame-based tactics I was using on myself weren’t as effective as I thought.

It’s funny. We recognize these tactics as destructive when they’re inflicted by other people. I mean, they work for awhile. This is why we use them. But after some time passes, resentment builds and and anger grows and, even if our behavior is “obedient,” our hearts are rebellious and hard and we don’t reap any of the fruit of our seemingly noble actions.

Still, these are the tactics we use on ourselves.

I can’t help but wonder: why?

Usually, I have some elaborate New Year’s Resolution—something big I hope to accomplish.

And actually, this has worked out well for me in the past. In 2011 I wanted to run a marathon, and I did it. In 2012, I wanted to launch Prodigal Magazine, and I did it. In 2013, I wanted to write a book, and I did.

But this year, I’m doing something different.

This year, I just want to be nice to myself.

I don’t really care what I accomplish. I mean, I do care. But I care more about how I treat myself. And I think treating myself well might just be the road to accomplishing more than I ever dreamed or imagined.

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The Best of 2013

As 2013 is comes to a close, I thought I would share a few favorites from 2013. The first list is your favorite posts from my blog. The second is a list of my favorite books from this year.

In the comments, I’d love to hear about your favorite books of the year, and also what you might like to read about on the blog in 2014.

Thanks for a great year, everyone. I’m looking forward to 2014!

Photo Credit: Rachel Kramer, Creative Commons

Top Blog Posts of 2013

1. A Smaller, Lighter, More Beautiful Life

2. Is There Room for Sentimental Attachment in Packing Light?

3. I Didn’t Know I Could Say No

4. 10 Reasons to be Thankful For Being Broke

5. Your Fear is Talking to You (Here’s What It’s Saying)

6. What Do You Want? (Packing Light Challenge Day 1)

7. When Love Doesn’t Feel Normal

8. The Best You Can Isn’t Good Enough

9. A Letter of Hope for Those Who Dread Their Jobs

10. Does Time Really Heal All Wounds?

Photo Credit: Abhi Sharma, Creative Commons

My Favorite Books of 2013 — What Were Yours?

These books weren’t all written in 2013, but I read them all in 2013, and I loved them all in 2013. I hope you get a chance to read them and love them, too.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking[image error]The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris

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Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail[image error]The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander

David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants[image error]Allison Vesterfelt.

The Possibilities Are Endless, If…

Photo Credit: Ken Bosma, Creative Commons

We abandon our excuses…

We stop saying “I can’t”…

We look between the black and white to find the grey…

We stay open-minded…

We start before we’re ready…

We’re wiling to do the hard work it takes…

We don’t bend to peer pressure…

We take leaps of faith…

We see beyond the status quo…

We believe there are many solutions to any one problem…

We aren’t too attached to “the way we’ve always done it.”

We make peace with being uncomfortable…

We consider life from multiple perspectives…

We love unconditionally…

We know what we want and where we are headed…

We take control of our actions, thoughts and decisions…

We see obstacles as opportunities…

We don’t get too precious about our reputations…

We learn to humbly accept correction…

We don’t let money (or lack of money) get in our way…

We’re willing to be creative and inventive…

We hold loosely to our possessions, ideals and ideas about how the world works…

We believe we can choose our own attitude.

We stop waiting for happiness (or love, or romance, or fill-in-the-blank) to happen to us…

We are always expanding our horizons…

We get good at asking questions and listening well…

We are both helpers and creators…

We take care of ourselves…

We take care of others…

We are not scared to be first, or to be last…

We fail with grace…

We laugh at ourselves…

We avoid blaming…

We’re willing to embrace less-than-perfect in all areas of our life…

We cultivate a childlike sense of wonder…

We believe the possibilities are endless…

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Give Abundantly: A Story of An Addict’s First Christmas

I’m not anti-gift-giving, but seeing as how I’m learning to live life with less stuff, I definitely lean toward buying less around the holidays. I truly believe less is more.

Photo Credit: Alan Cleaver, Creative Commons

But the other morning I heard a story that opened my eyes to this discussion in a new way.

I was spending some time with an organization I love called Thistle Farms in Nashville. Thistle Farms is a social enterprise dedicated to creating organic, environmentally friendly and truly wonderful body products. And the employees at Thistle Farms are, for the most part, women who are recovering from criminal convictions, prostitution and drug addiction.

Every Wednesday morning I’m in town, I join the women of Thistle Farms for their morning meditation. It’s truly the highlight of my week. Everyone there is such an inspiration to me.

This past week, during the morning mediation, we went around the circle and shared what we’re grateful for this Christmas. Everyone shared something different, but one woman shared how her daughter had lost her job, and was having a hard time “doing Christmas” for her granddaughter this year.

She shared how she had offered to help with presents and such.

So she went shopping, she said, and bought a stocking and several things to fill it. She bought some Christmas decorations, and a few gifts she knew her daughter and granddaughter would like. She wrapped them carefully in sparkly paper, then  told her daughter that she could come pick up the presents whenever she was ready.

While the presents sat on this woman’s kitchen table, she said the realization overwhelmed her—this would be the first time she was able to “do Christmas” for any of her children.

Her story made me re-think my “less is more” mentality, at least a little bit.

I think the reason “less is more” for me is because I’ve truly enjoyed “more” at Christmas for most of my life. I’ve never considered myself “rich” really (everyone around me always seems to have more money) but I’ve always had a feast of food on the table, a full stocking, and plenty of wonderful presents.

Watching the tears in this woman’s eyes, I couldn’t help but see how much the presents she was able to buy for her granddaughter really mattered to her.

How much they would mean to her granddaughter…

To her daughter…

And it made me see how the gifts she was giving weren’t just “stuff” wrapped up in paper.

The stocking wasn’t just cloth, and the tiny little stuffers she bought to put in it weren’t just trinkets. It all represented something so much bigger. It represented the freedom she had found from her life of addiction. It represented provision for her family. It was an image of deep love and care. It represented the joy of the season. It represented an experience and sense of belonging.

And in that sense, the stuff she bought for her granddaughter’s Christmas really mattered.

In her case, having more this Christmas really mattered.

Most of us don’t know what it feels like to truly need more this Christmas—but I think the lesson here is transcendent.

Whatever you choose to give as gifts this year, don’t allow the “stuff” you give to just be “stuff.” Make it be a symbol of freedom, provision, deep love and care. Pour into it joy and belonging.

Give abundantly in that way. And no matter what you give, less really will be more.

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Weekend Reading

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

1. Tweeting Myself to Death: The Rise & Fall of @ProdigalSam | Sammy Rhodes

I love this honest, humble, vulnerable post by Sammy Rhodes. He shares what happens when we stake our identities on our social media presences; and the freedom we can find when we learn to let go. It’s a little long, but totally, totally worth the read.

2. So You Want to Be A Writer? That’s Mistake #1 | Ryan Holiday

This post really made me think about what it takes to be a good writer. As a writer and writing teacher myself, I believe in the power of technique, but I also couldn’t agree more with his assessment—to write great stories we must first live them.

3. 12 Simple Ideas to Spread Holiday Cheer | Joshua Becker

This is supposed to be the “Most Wonderful Time of Year” but I can’t help but notice how all the traffic and busy-ness and stress seems to make everyone a little uptight. I love these totally do-able ideas for spreading holiday cheer.

4. Starbucks, A Divorced Dad’s Pain, And Why Christmas Sucks | Carlos Whittaker

Have you ever thought about how your one-sentence story might change someone’s day, week, month or even year this Christmas? I love this story of how simple it could be to bring hope to someone who is grieving through the holidays.

5. Offense is A Choice | Cole NeSmith

This post was so convicting for me. The truth is, I find myself offended often; and if offense is a choice, that means I’m making a destructive, ineffective choice for my life over and over again. I’m definitely working on this.

 

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You Can’t Do It All

The thing about dreaming is you can have infinite dreams, but you can’t have infinite priorities.

Photo Credit: www.GlynLowe.com, Creative Commons

You can’t do it all.

We like to think we can, don’t we? We like to think we can be in two places at once, have innumerable friends and activities, be the perfect wife and mother, or husband and father, and also have the perfect career.

We like to think we can have a full social life and also get the dishes done, keep the laundry clean.

We’d all like for others to think this about us, too. But it would be so much easier if we would just admit it—we can’t do it all. Wouldn’t this be better for everyone involved?

We can do a few things really well, but we can’t do it all.

I don’t know about you, but for me it’s so easy to get stuck believing I can do it all.

I’ve watched other people do it—be the super mom who also has a thriving career, be the business-owner who is smart and savvy and profitable (and still responds to e-mails in a timely manner), be the woman who works and volunteers and travels and still always shows up looking fantastic.

But I’m only watching from the outside and, on the inside I know—you can’t do it all.

We can do a few things really well, but we can’t do it all. So no more guilt, no more fear, no more stretching-ourselves-too-thin allowed. Each time we commit ourselves to one thing, we preclude ourselves from another.

You can have infinite dreams, but only a few priorities.

What are yours?

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