Allison Vesterfelt's Blog, page 8

What No One Tells You About Trying to Have A Baby

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby.

You’re not supposed to tell people you’re trying to have a baby while you’re trying to have a baby. In part, I’m sure, because of the awkwardness that sinks in when then they realize they are picturing you trying to make a baby, and in part because, as it turns out, baby-making is not nearly as easy as they make it seem in high school health class.

But whatever. There it is for a bunch of people I’ve never met. We’re trying to have a baby.

And of all the things in life that make you realize you don’t have total control over your life—making a baby is up there with the best of them.

I’ve run a business, been to graduate school, taught middle school kids, traveled to foreign countries where I didn’t speak the language, and none of those things have made me feel as out-of-control as this does. Trying to conceive. Or “TTC” as they say in the forums, which I compulsively read, to my great detriment.

But the whole thing has me thinking about what happens when we really want something in life and can’t get it, or can’t get it right away, or when it seems like we may never get it. Whether it’s a different job or a way out of a toxic relationship, or to get married or have a baby.

How much control do we actually have in life?

This is the question that keeps running through my mind. Because there is certainly a part of me that wants to believe we have much more control than we think we have—that we can make positive decisions and have a positive attitude and that, eventually, we’ll see positive results.

But then there is another part of me who lays awake at night googling, “does a sore left pinky toe mean I’m pregnant?” and reading the dozens of articles that confirm, yes, a sore left pinky toe does in fact possibly mean you could definitely be pregnant, and that part of me is the same part of me who feels so sad and hopeless each time my cycle ends and the inevitable strip comes back blank.

And let me just stop and say for a minute that I wish I was one of those people who just naturally felt really optimistic about life.

I have a friend like this. She’s so great to be around. I think I’ve only seen her cry once, and even then it was for like five minutes after someone close to her had died. And every time I cry like someone died because of some imaginary worst case scenario I have totally imagined in my head, I think of her and only wish I could be so collected and composed.

I’d probably have more friends.

But instead I’m the girl who bypasses all logical sources that say it can take a year for even totally healthy couples to conceive, and instead I stay up late at night searching Pinterest for articles titled “why can’t I get pregnant?” ordering supplements on Amazon and pondering how one might go about eating a pineapple core.

Still, I try to remind myself of a couple of things while I’m waiting.

I think of what I would tell myself if I were not myself, because that always makes it easier to give myself advice, and to actually take it. And surprisingly quite a bit of clarity actually comes to me in those moments.

I can’t say it always keeps me from my late night google searches, but in a season of wanting something I don’t have, here’s what I try to remind myself.

There is still time. It’s not too late.

One of the most stressful parts about trying to get something you want but don’t have is suddenly, out of nowhere, it makes you begin to question absolutely everything about your life. Like what have I been doing all this time and where did I get all this grey hair and wasn’t I just 21 yesterday?

And why did I waste all my peak years watching reality TV?

And when we’re in this place, it seems like if I don’t get the thing we are trying to get by, like, TOMORROW, we’re going to miss our window.

So when this feeling creeps up on me, I try to remind myself there is no such thing as a “window,” that I probably haven’t wasted as much time as I think I have, and that it really is never too late to start moving toward what you want.

Wanting is a good thing.

Wanting things we don’t have—or can’t get right away—is uncomfortable. So our tendency is to move through the wanting as fast as possible, or to numb our way through, or to just go ahead and pretend like we don’t want anything anyway (“Baby? What baby? I’m too busy to think about that…”)

But wanting something is actually a sign of a healthy person.

We would never look at someone who never ate food and call them healthy, so why are so many of us walking through life, trying to pretend we aren’t hungry? Wanting is a good thing. And admitting what we want is often the first step to getting it.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

It’s easy to look at the people around you, and think about how they’ve achieved the things you want in life. They have the marriage, or the family, or the career, or the attention, or the wardrobe, or whatever. But there’s a reason they say comparison is the thief of joy.

Because the minute I start to let myself go here, I get this sinking feeling there must be something wrong with me—with the direction I’ve chosen for my life, or the decisions I’ve made, or the fact that a 16-year-old girl can accidentally get pregnant but I can’t even do it on purpose.

I lose sight of the beautiful things I’ve made in my life, just because none of them look like babies.

Here’s what I want to tell myself, and you, if you happen to need it: There is nothing wrong with you. Getting what you want just takes time.

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

I had a friend say this to me a few weeks ago and it stuck with me. What she meant was, while there are a lot of things you can’t control in your life, there are some things you can control. So why not focus on those things?

We can’t change where we start from, but we can decide to get started. We can’t invent resources out of thin air, but we can use what we have toward what we want. We can’t do everything there is to do but we can do something. And something is better than nothing.

In fact, something might just be enough.

Don’t want alone.

Honestly, I had planned to keep this whole thing to myself until I had good news to share. That just seemed like the logical, mature, “I’ve got this covered” thing to do. And besides, that what everyone else was doing…

But then a few weeks ago I started thinking how much it would help to have just a few people I loved know what I was going through. So I went totally outside my comfort zone and sent a message. It was a small group of women, most of who are moms, and all of whom I knew would get it.

It was hard to send that message. I’ll be honest. It takes guts to talk about what we really want.

But you know what? Their response was overwhelming. I never knew how much I needed people to know what I was going through until they knew. And I never realized what a difference it would make to stop wanting things alone and let other people want them with me.

The post What No One Tells You About Trying to Have A Baby appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

I Know What It Feels Like to be Anna Duggar

There are a lot of things I can’t understand about what Anna Duggar is going through right now. I’ve never lived in the public spotlight, for starters, or at least not to the extent she has, and is, as we speak. I’ve never had national media outlets be the one to break the news to me about my husband’s past indiscretions, or current infidelity or sexual addiction.

These things are enough to deal with in the privacy of your own marriage, let alone with paparazzi, publications like The New Yorker and the rest of the world glaring in.

I can’t understand that.

But there are a few things about her life I do understand.

To start, I understand what it’s like to grow up in an environment where women were taught to put themselves beneath men, keep themselves behind them and always support them, no matter what. Thankfully, my parents empowered me to make choices for myself and also encouraged me to focus on my education. Also thankfully, I was immature enough for long enough that I didn’t get married until my late twenties.

So I had to learn to take care of myself.

But still, for reasons I don’t fully understand, I found myself constantly deferring to the men around me, assuming I had to wait for them to dictate my decisions, rather than making choices for myself. Rather than deciding if I wanted to go on a date, I had to wait for him to ask. Rather than deciding if I wanted to have sex, I had to wait to see what he wanted to do.

Rather than choosing for myself what career I wanted to pursue, I had to think about what schedule I would need to be a good mom.

Like Anna, I grew up in an culture which taught women to submit to men, to wait for them, to look to them as the leaders and the holders of the wisdom, and when in trouble, to expect a man to come and rescue her. My worldview was shaped by Cinderella and romantic comedies and religious communities, and let’s be honest, a group of men who recognize that women holding power means they might lose some.

Just like Anna’s.

I understand what it’s like to find out, after being romantically involved with someone for a long period of time (nearly 4 years with a boyfriend, in my case) that there are things you don’t know about them. And, while I can’t say this is true for Anna, for me at least, a large part of this was that I didn’t want to know, or didn’t let myself know.

But still. This doesn’t take away from the shock and the searing pain of the whole thing.

It doesn’t take away from that awful feeling of being so small and worthless—because for some reason, what I am worth is directly correlated to what a man thinks about me.

I know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship (not my husband, thankfully). And because of that, I know that abuse can be subtle, so subtle that you don’t even realize it’s happening. I know abuse is often a two-way street—one person playing the role of the villain, and the other as the victim—and I know how torturous it feels to know, everyday, that you’re submitting yourself to his subtle insults and under-the-radar put-downs, and his blatant neglect and unfaithfulness, again and again.

It’s awful to be manipulated and humiliated. It’s even more awful to know you’re choosing to be put down and manipulated.

And this whole thing is sad for many reasons.

But one of of the greatest reasons it’s sad is because it makes a girl feel like she just doesn’t have many choices.

I know what it feels like to think you don’t have choices, to feel trapped, to be depressed because for all intents and purpose, it doesn’t seem like there is anything you can do. Every option you play over in your head has unspeakable consequences. You can’t leave… where would you go? Who would take care of you? What about your children? Besides, “divorce” is a bad word.

But if you stay, and if things stay like this, you know you’ll have to continue to divorce yourself from yourself.

And there are few things in the world more painful than that.

A lot has changed for me since I was in a relationship like Anna’s.

But when I read the articles which describe the Duggar scandal (even though few of them focus on Anna at all) it all comes flooding back to me—what she must be feeling, what I was feeling back then, what hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of women all over the world feel when they find themselves in a one-down position to the men around them.

And for that reason, in a way, I wish I could talk to Anna Duggar. Not because I have all the answers. I don’t. But because I’d like to tell her a few of the things I wish someone would have told me when I was in a position similar to her.

Here’s what I would love to say to Anna Duggar.

You don’t have to stay. There will be a lot of people who will tell you you do. They’ll say staying is the sign of a strong woman and that faithfulness will honor your husband. But here’s what will really honor your husband: you honoring yourself the way he should have honored you; by becoming a living, breathing, walking picture of what it looks like for a woman to walk in her indispensable value. I’m not saying you should leave. I’m not saying you should stay. I’m just saying you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. The power of choice is your greatest asset. Don’t lose it.

You have so much to offer to this world. I know it might not seem like this is true in light of all that’s happened. I bet you’re in survival mode. I know that mode all too well. But there will be a light on the other side of this dark tunnel, and when that light comes, I believe we will be able to see all the dreams and passions and beauty you have to bring to this world. I can’t wait for that moment. The world needs what is inside you.

You have choices. I bet it feels like your hands are tired. And the truth is your choices are probably pretty limited right now. The options you have aren’t great. I get it. I’ve been there. But don’t ever forget that, whatever you choose, there will be people on the other side who will rise up to support you in your choices. It won’t be easy. And they won’t likely be the people who you expect. But don’t neglect taking a leap because you don’t see a bridge. The world is full of loving, compassionate, kick-ass bridge builders.

Don’t be afraid to confront him (or anyone) who disrespects you. Too many women are too timid, too apologetic, too afraid to exert their voice into the world. But you are your most valuable untapped resource. If you can discover the power you already have living inside of you, and live from that place, your life will begin to shift and change. You’ll feel more yourself. You’ll create a better future for your children. And together we can work to establish a better world for our daughters.

When you teach a woman to wait for a man to come rescue her, she does. She waits and she waits and more often than not, her rescue never comes.

Let’s teach women to stop waiting and instead to learn how to rescue themselves.

The post I Know What It Feels Like to be Anna Duggar appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Four Resolutions of A Recovering People Pleaser

I’ve been a people pleaser for about as long as I can remember. In fact, I used to think this was just a “fun fact” about myself. Like, “yeah, I’m just one of those people pleasers”.

It wasn’t until a few years ago I started to see what havoc this was wreaking on my personal health and relationships.

So after paying attention to the greatest ways people pleasing was holding me back, I decided to make four commitments to myself to overcome this problem.

Needless to say, it’s not totally solved, but these four commitments are helping me make progress.

Here they are.

1. Don’t ask too many people for their opinions.

I used to do this thing where, when I was making a big decision—like, you know, what to do for lunch or whether it’s appropriate to wear white shoes before labor day—I would “poll the audience”.

By poll the audience I just mean, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire style, I would ask everyone I knew what their advice was about that particular topic and then I would take the most-often given advice and assume that was probably the best answer.

The problem was I did this at the expense of my own intellect and intuition.

These days I don’t allow myself to poll the audience for decisions. For small decisions (like lunch) I just make up my own mind.

For bigger decisions, I usually find one or two people I trust and say:

“Hey, here’s my problem or situation. Here’s what I’m planning to do about it. Can you help me see my blind spots? Do you have any additions or concerns?”

2. Be honest first and humble second.

Here’s what I mean by this.

As a people pleaser, my tendency is to not speak up when I have an opinion. I’ve told myself this is the humble approach, letting other people share their thoughts and avoiding saying anything that might hurt someone’s feelings.

But one thing I’m learning is that keeping my mouth shut is not humble and offending people is just part of life. There’s actually no way around it.

In fact, sometimes the harder we try not to hurt people’s feelings, the more we hurt them. (Tweet this)

So my approach is to just be honest and not worry about being too humble. Just speak, clearly and directly.

Then, if what I said hurts someone’s feelings, I listen intently and apologize quickly.

Honest first. Humble second.

If you’re the type of person who tends to speak out of turn or speak without thinking anyway, this might not be for you.

But if you’re like me and you lean toward biting your tongue—you might have to push yourself a little bit to start being more honest.

3. Be loyal to yourself first and others second.

This was something suggested to me by my husband who had seen me be loyal to friendships for years (decades) at the expense of my own needs, thoughts, desires.

At first, the thought sounded completely…umm… rude to me.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how completely draining it was to constantly be thinking about how everyone else was thinking and feeling, etc—at the expense of myself.

No wonder I was tired all the time. Anxious. Depressed. Disconnected. Etc.

These days, I try really hard to be loyal to my own needs first—and when my basic needs are met, I serve others. When I approach life this way, I have so much more to give.

4. No obsessing allowed.

I used to waste hours of my life (you would be shocked) obsessing over an email or a text message. I would sometimes sit at my computer for 45 minutes, trying to decide if I should send a tweet.

Or, after hanging out with a friend, I would drive home obsessing over something I did or said (“I can’t believe I said that! She probably hates me now…”)

My new rule for myself is: this is not allowed.

Either I send it. Or I don’t send it. No obsessing.

Yes, I have more typos in my emails these days and I’m sure I’ve sent a tweet or two that was either dull or self-indulgent.

But I’m also more likely to pick up the phone and call (rather than text or email) if the subject is sensitive.

And I’m not willing to waste my life away worrying about making a mistake when mistakes are how we learn and grow.

So that’s it. that’s my list. Are you a people pleaser? How are you recovering?

The post Four Resolutions of A Recovering People Pleaser appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Why Most Positive Self Talk Doesn’t Work And What to Do About It

I have always been a huge proponent of positive self talk. I use it all the time in my own life.

When I have to have a conversation with someone that I’m dreading, or I’m just tired and have a long day ahead, I look at myself in the mirror and say, something to the effect of, “you can do this! You have what it takes. You’re smart and capable and savvy.”

Makes you look pretty ridiculous if anyone ever walks in on you in the bathroom—but whatever.

If it works, it’s worth it. Right?

But to be honest, I wasn’t really sure if it was working. I had never thought to measure if it was actually improving the outcomes of my life, or if it was just making me feel better.

Recently, I heard something that made me rethink my un­challenged love for positive self talk.

I was listening to one of my favorite business authors, Dan Pink present at a conference.

He’s a really smart guy who has written a few New York Times Bestsellers, including one I love called To Sell Is Human.

He said something about self­ talk that really caught my attention.

Namely, he said, it just plain doesn’t work.

At first I felt myself getting a little defensive. “It doesn’t work?! What do you mean it doesn’t work? It has to work!”

But then I listened as he went on.

Basically, he said, research shows that positive self talk like “you can do it!” doesn’t have much of an impact on performance because the self ­talk has nothing to do with performance itself. It isn’t clear or directive.

Self talk doesn’t have any clear plan to follow.

On the other hand, if you were to talk to yourself like this: “I’ve done presentations like this dozens of times before and every time I’ve told the story about that one business owner,that’s gone really well.”

Or if you were to say, “Your biggest weakness when you’re facing a hard day is you get overwhelmed too easily. So watch out for that.”

That’s the kind of positive self talk that works.

That positive self talk gives you a clear path you can follow ahead.

Positive self talk that works isn’t just “rah­rah you can do it” self­ talk but it comes with a plan.

Makes sense, right?

In case you were wondering if this works, I tried it.

A few weeks ago I had to have a hard conversation with someone I loved and I was nervous. I gave myself this positive self ­talk beforehand.

I told myself, “your biggest weakness in these conversations is that you let your emotions get the best of you and you lose sight of what you’re trying to communicate.” I also said to myself, over and over again, “Don’t forget—the objective of the conversation is ______.”

And you know what?

That conversation went better than I could have expected. I stayed cool and collected and was able to direct the conversation in the way I wanted it to go.

Turns out Dan Pink was right.

And if I can change the way I talk to myself, I just might be able to have a small hand in shaping the future in front of me.

The post Why Most Positive Self Talk Doesn’t Work And What to Do About It appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Five Things I’ve Learned Since Quitting My Full Time Job

It’s been five full years since I quit my full-time job to go after my long-time dream of traveling and writing books. It’s been a crazy, wild, totally unexpected, sometimes heartbreaking, other times completely exhilarating, ride.

I’ve learned more about myself and about what it takes to achieve success in the past five years than I have in the rest of my life combined.

People ask me, “do you ever regret quitting your job?” The short answer to that question is no.

The long answer goes something like this.

Quitting your job won’t solve your problems

There were a lot of things I hated about having a full time job and I was convinced getting rid of the job would solve them. I hated the scheduling conflicts, the office politics, the bureaucracy, the overwhelming wave of insecurity I would feel under observation.

I hated evaluations. 


I hated what felt like my boss “breathing down my neck”.

I hated not having the flexibility to take a day off when I needed—or spontaneously, because after long winter, it was finally sunny outside.

Here’s the thing. There are a lot of perks to working for yourself. The spontaneity thing, first of all. The freedom to make your own choices. That rocks. But quitting my job did not make me feel less insecure. It didn’t solve all my scheduling conflicts.

Nope, that’s just me—expecting too much of myself, thinking I could do more than I actually can.

Quitting your job does not solve all of your problems. Our problems have this strange habit of following us.

There’s no such thing as a “perfect” work environment

There are some good work environments and some bad ones. I quit a job once because my boss would yell at us—the entire team—on a daily basis. Pretty sure he thought it was motivating. I just thought it was unprofessional and unhelpful. So I quit.

But even the most wonderful work environments are not perfect.

Work environments reflect the people inside them—endearing and imperfect as they are; and truly great work environments are fought for and won. They’re built with hard work and honesty, over a long period of time.

Even when I have total control over my work environment, it’s still not perfect because I’m not perfect. It’s a little manic at times, like I am. And although it typically is conducive to creativity, it runs on stress and caffeine.

The workplace I create is a reflection of me and it’s amazing how even the people I invite into that space get wrapped up in the tornado of my gifts and problems.

No workplace is perfect.

If your workplace is awful, quit.

If it’s average or above average, ask yourself what you can do to contribute to the work environment and make it the kind of place you want to be.

We must abandon the mythology of “total freedom” in our work.

I couldn’t wait to quit my job so I would have “total freedom” to work when I wanted to work, to write whatever I wanted to write, to change plans at the last minute and to take a day off whenever I felt like I needed it.

Let me tell you, after five years of working for myself, there is no such thing as “total freedom” in your work. At least not as far as I’ve found.

[If you have discovered this secret, please email me. I pay cash money.]

The search for the elusive “total freedom” in my work has led me on more than one wild goose chase and has probably prevented me from making the progress I really desire. You’ve heard the old adage, “creativity needs boundaries”. I’d say that applies pretty well here.

The trick is finding the right boundaries so your creative energy can flow and you can thrive.

Someone has to be the boss.

I was so excited to quit my job so I could duck out form under the weight of my the dreaded “boss”. From my artistic position, even the best bosses were stifling my creative energy and preventing me from achieving my goals.

But here’s the deal. Someone has to be the boss.

Someone has to make sure the company is being productive, that money is coming in, that systems are in place to keep everyone on track, that everyone is doing what they’re supposed to do based on those systems and that everyone is given permission to succeed and grow.

Someone has to be the boss.

The boss has to be concerned about wasted time and energy and about the bottom line because, ultimately, he or she is concerned about making sure everyone leaves at the end of the week with a paycheck.

Even when you work for yourself, there’s no escaping “the boss”.

The boss just might be you.

Every creative person wishes they didn’t have a boss. This is impossible. Instead, ask yourself who you want your boss to be.

I was an ungrateful and selfish employee.

I was such an ungrateful and selfish employee, taking things for granted that were huge blessings to me—like bonuses, paid days off, a 401k, a steady, regular, consistent paycheck, unending access to office supplies.

I took too many breaks and didn’t maximize my productivity like I know now I could have. I didn’t see how my actions (or inactions) impacted the company or organization as a whole.

Now that I run my own business I see it and feel it.

I feel the price of every box of pens, of every time I have to buy toner. I feel every hour I take off and every day I don’t work. If I don’t do something, it doesn’t get done.

So I see very clearly how my actions impact the organization’s bottom line, which in the end, impacts me.

So these days, I treasure every long lunch, every day off, every printed piece of paper, and every day I’m lucky enough to call this my job.

The post Five Things I’ve Learned Since Quitting My Full Time Job appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

When You Find Your Voice, You Change the World

You know that feeling you get that you were made for something bigger than what you’re doing? It isn’t that what you’re doing—in your professional life, your family, your relationships—is totally unimportant.

It’s just that you sense a powerful potential inside of you that hasn’t quite been unlocked.

It might feel like something is getting in your way, or maybe that you’re getting in your own way. You may even wonder if you might be mistaken altogether.

“Maybe I’m wrong about having great potential,” you think to yourself. “Maybe that’s just selfish.”

If this is you, I want to say this: I get it. I’ve been there.

Heck—I’m still there at times in my life.

And I want to say, resolutely, you are not wrong about the powerful potential inside of you. You were made to do something great. The world needs to you to unlock and uncover that powerful potential you have.

This is the very power you have to change the world.

I call it finding your voice.

One of the biggest misconceptions about “finding your voice,” if you ask me is that is this frivolous or extraneous activity—that it is a nice thing to do, in your free time, if you’ve got some extra money on your hands.

But I don’t see it this way at all.

Finding your voice is the most important thing you can do for yourself and for the world.

Let me give you an example.

I just got home from a week-long trip to Israel and the Palestinian territories. Some of you may be familiar with the conflict and devastation that is happening in that part of the world but if you aren’t familiar, just know this: it’s truly heartbreaking and painful and there are many convincing sides to this one, long, painful story.

I wish I could flesh it out more for you here, but that will have to wait for a later time.

For now, just trust me on this one: on both side of the conflict, you’ll meet people who, for all intents and purposes, don’t have a voice.

I met two women while I was there who each fall on different sides of the conflict. One was an Israeli. The other was a Palestinian. And although they disagree about many things in life, they agreed on this one thing: it was time to start speaking up.

It was time to find their voice.

So they started a blog.

They began sharing stories from their own lives and the lives of their friends who were a part of the conflict, so that those who hadn’t experienced it firsthand could see what it would be like to live on either side.

Their goal wasn’t to broker some kind of political deal. It wasn’t to take sides. It was to show their humanity by simply sharing their voices.

We talked about the changes they were seeing, the confidence they had, the passion, the drive, the friendship, the community, the healing that was coming from this simple but powerful commitment to put words on paper.

And as we sat around a table—a group of bloggers and writers from the United States and these diverse women from across the world—something occurred to me:

One of the most powerful things in the world is voice.

Your voice. Their voice. Our voice.

I can attest to this. I’ve also seen dramatic changes in my life since I set out to discover my unique voice.

I’ve watched my anxiety dissipate, my income grow, my passion unfold, my friendships deepen, my marriage become more fun and fulfilling, the number of days I spend depressed in bed lessen and my career path become more clear.

I have more energy to give generously to those who need it.

I have more clarity, more compassion, more integrity, more power over my own circumstances.

When we learn to speak up about what matters most to us, things change.

People change. We change. The world changes.

You may not feel like you have anything to write about. You may wonder if your words really matter. You may assume someone else is doing it better than you. But let me urge you against this destructive way of thinking.

If you don’t find your voice—no one will.

No one can do it “better” than you. There is only one you.

Your voice will not be easy to find. It will not happen overnight. But it does matter. It matters more than just about anything else.

Your voice can change the world.

And I want to help you find it.

The post When You Find Your Voice, You Change the World appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Stop Procrastinating and Make More Progress

Well hello there fellow procrastinator. It’s nice to see you here. I’m not sure what it is your procrastinating from—dishes piling up in your sink, reports you were supposed to have filed by the end of the day, bills you’ve been putting off all week—but whatever it is, welcome.

As for me, I’m supposed to be editing, and instead I’m writing this blog post.

I’m so glad we could meet under these conditions. We understand each other, you and me.

Someone told me once: procrastination is about fear.

At first, that didn’t really ring true to me. In fact, I thought, “nah, for me, it’s really just about being lazy.” When I’m supposed to be doing something hard—like writing a book or cleaning my bathroom (okay, that’s not hard, just disgusting) or finishing an editing assignment—I want to do something easier.

Suddenly I realize I’m ravenously hungry, or I need some “inspiration” from Twitter, or shoot, my headphones are in the car and, oh yeah, I was going to order that one book…

But then, more recently, I started wondering:

What is it we don’t like about hard tasks?

We like the completion of them. We like the finishing point. We love the feeling of finishing a long run or losing 10 pounds or writing a book. We just don’t like the process, necessarily—the feeling of being hungry, or logging the miles, or getting the words down on paper.

Is it possible there’s a little fear of that process?

I was thinking about this the other day when I went for a jog for the first time in months. Well, actually, “went for a jog” is a tiny bit generous. What I basically mean is I put the stretchy clothes on, as if I was going to go for a jog, but then I piddled around my house for 30 minutes, finding a dozen other things to do.

I asked myself, on several occasions, “Why am I not walking out the door right now?” and I could think of a dozen perfectly logical excuses.

“Well, these dishes aren’t going to do themselves!” or “I’ll go after the laundry is done,” or “I really shouldn’t run on an empty stomach,” or “I’ll just wait until it warms up a little.” But the longer I procrastinated, the more I realized, I wasn’t avoiding the task itself so much as I was avoiding the pain or sacrifice it was going to take to complete it.

And I wonder if this is really what we’re doing when we’re procrastinating

Perhaps, for example, there is a task you’re supposed to be doing right now (no pressure).

Maybe it’s going on a run, or making a phone call, or writing a college paper. Chances are, the task feels difficult for you. My guess is you’re putting it off not because you’re lazy, but because you’re a little afraid of the pain associated with it.

But it wasn’t until I avoided my run all day the other day that I realized: You can’t avoid the pain by putting it off.

In fact, we actually prolong the pain when we don’t stop procrastinating. We take a task that should have taken 30 minutes (like a quick run), and spread it out over the course of an entire day. A task that should have taken 10 minutes (having a hard conversation with a friend) suddenly takes weeks to address.

Procrastinating a task doesn’t protect us from any pain. It doesn’t save us at all. It’s completely illogical and nonsensical.

Maybe—just maybe—if we think of it this way, we can stop doing it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go order something on Amazon I’ll never use, pin some recipes on Pinterest I’ll never make, spend 10 minutes considering a Tweet I’ll never send, and then get back to my editing project.

I’m pretty sure you have some procrastinating to do as well.

The post Stop Procrastinating and Make More Progress appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

The Most Valuable Advice You Will Ever Receive

Have you ever noticed how, at an engagement party, or baby shower or graduation party, people tend to give all kinds of advice?

“Start investing now—you won’t regret it.”

“A water birth really is the way to go.”

“Whatever you do, don’t go to bed angry!”

This is all well-meaning advice, of course, and some of it actually pretty wise. But here’s the real problem with much of the advice we give: giving advice is not the same as living that advice.

Telling someone your advice is much easier than living it out.

When I think back to the advice I’ve been given in my own life—about college, about career, about relationships—I’m grateful for some of it. But some of it I also think took me off track. When I was choosing a major in college, for example, I had several people tell me, “it’s nice that you want to be a writer, but choose a major that is going to get you a job.”

I took the advice. After all, it was practical and smart. But because of that advice I paid a lot of money for a degree I’m not using.

So was this good advice for me? Maybe not.

All is not lost. My skills and expertise have gotten me to where I am and I’m finding innovative ways to put my degree to work. But sometimes I wish someone would have just looked me in the eye when I was in college and said: forget what everyone else tells you should “should” do.

Do what you want to do.

Do what you think is right. Trust your instinct.

Do what works.

I used to read a lot of self-help books. I liked them. It felt comforting and nice to have someone tell me exactly how things were supposed to be done, to give me a list of all the steps. And, hey, when my life didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I could blame the books. After all, I followed the formula. I worked the plan.

I didn’t have to blame myself.

But while there is a lot to be learned from those resources, the most important advice I can ever get doesn’t come from a book or a blog.

The most important advice I can ever receive comes from inside myself.

The most valuable relationships I can have, the most valuable resources I can get my hands on, are those people and sources which help me uncover that pure, unadulterated inner guidance.

There really are not shortcuts. No amount of good advice can save me from the inevitable pain and obstacles of life.

There are multiple “right” answers to most problems and the best answer is usually this:

Do what works.

Be willing to try and fail and try again. Be humble and learn quickly from your mistakes. Pay attention and be agile and adjust quickly. Don’t let insecurity get in the way. Figure out what works for you and then do it.

Trust your instinct. Trust your gut.

So if you’re feeling lost in your relationship or your career or as a parent or just in life—or if you’ve just graduated or are about to have a baby or are newly married and you’re getting a bunch of advice—remember this: advice is much easier to give than it is to execute.

Don’t dismiss the advice. Give it a try. But if the advice isn’t working, try something else.

Don’t worry about finding the “right” answer or the best answer or the most impressive answer.

Just do what works.

The post The Most Valuable Advice You Will Ever Receive appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Life And Career

I’ve dedicated a great deal of energy in my life trying not to make a fool out of myself.

When I was in junior high, I remember thinking EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD was allowed to watch TV shows I wasn’t allowed to watch and listen to music I wasn’t allowed to listen to (at 13, most of life happens in caps-lock).

So to avoid looking foolish, my solution was to wait for the moment my friends began talking about the latest pop culture phenomenon and pretend like I knew exactly what they were talking about.

“Oh, I know! Boyz II men are so bad-ass!”

“Isn’t Clueless like, so totally awesome?!”

Even now that junior high is over (thank God) I still find myself, at times, going to great lengths to not make a fool out of myself.

These days, it looks something like this:

I prepare and prepare and prepare and over-prepare for speaking engagements, so I make sure not to say anything weird.
I sometimes agonize over what to post (or not post) on social media.
I obsess over blog posts. “Did I say it right? Did I miscommunicate? Am I going to look stupid? Do I know what I’m talking about?”
I hold back from doing things that feel outside of my comfort zone (even something simple, like playing frisbee) because I don’t want to look like I don’t know what I’m doing.

And what good have these obsessions ever done me? Are they preventing me from making a fool out of myself? Probably not.

My latest realization is this:

The harder we work not to make fools out of ourselves, the more foolish we end up looking.

Trying not to make a fool out of myself has kept me from so many things I wanted to do in my life.

It has kept me from trying something new for fear of coming across as incompetent or unintelligent or unrefined (recently a friend offered to let me paint with watercolors and I nearly refused…for fear of looking stupid. I’m so glad I didn’t!)

It has kept me from taking risks.

It’s kept me from speaking up about things that matter to me.

It has kept me from being myself.

What has your fear of looking foolish kept you from doing in your life? When you consider the opportunity cost, ask yourself this: was it worth it?

What if making a fool out of ourselves could actually work to our advantage?

What if the things we think of as “foolish” aren’t really that foolish after all (like being out-of-the-know when it comes to pop culture)? What if they are the pieces of the puzzle that set us apart, that make us who we are?

What if making a fool of yourself could teach you an important lesson?

What if the chance of making a fool of yourself meant you got to try something new? What if you succeeded in an area where you never thought you could?

What if a willingness to make a fool of yourself is a prerequisite for creativity and innovation?

Would you give it a try?

I have a challenge for you—and it’s the same challenge I’ve been giving myself lately. It goes like this:

Go ahead, make a fool of yourself.

Seriously. I mean that as a literal challenge. Look for ways this week you can make a fool of yourself and go for it.

Wait for a moment when you would have, in the past, stayed on the sidelines or held back. But this time, don’t retreat. Don’t back off. Don’t give into fear. Move forward. Make a fool of yourself.

Just see what happens. I think you might be surprised.

The post The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Life And Career appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

How Failing Might Actually Be Progress

Optimist: someone who figures that a step backward after a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a CHA-CHA. —Unknown

We all know how it feels to be making progress toward something that really matters to us—overcoming an addiction, improving our relationships, losing weight, etc—and then suddenly find ourselves moving backward.

You lose ten pounds only to gain five. You go two months without smoking a cigarette and then smoke three (or five or ten) in one day.

You give up coffee for a few weeks and then finally give in and drink a latte.

It can be so frustrating and demoralizing to watch all of your hard work seemingly flushed down the drain. I’ve been in this place so many times and so I know from experience it can make you feel like giving up on your goals altogether. But I’ve also learned something about this experience of failing that has been really helpful for me.

Failing is perfectly normal.

In fact, there is virtually no way around it. If you’re not failing, you’re probably not progressing as much as you think you are.

This is something I learned a few months ago from a marriage counselor.

My husband and I started going to marriage counseling sometime early last year. We started seeing her because we were fighting more than we wanted to, and every now and then our fights would turn south and we would say or do mean things. We always felt really bad about it after the fact but we couldn’t seem to curb the negative cycle.

So we decided to ask for help.

The first few months of counseling were so helpful. Within two months, we had learned enough about ourselves and our marriage and each other that our fights went from four or five per week to more like one per week—and even when we did argue, we were able to keep our cool and talk ourselves through to resolution.

It felt great. For me, it restored my faith in us as a couple and in our marriage. If I’d had any doubts before, they were all melting away. We could do this!

But then, something frustrating happened. After weeks of not having even one of our old yelling arguments, we totally slid back into that pattern. An argument started over something stupid, got out of control and ended with me leaving the house and slamming the door.

The worst part of all of this, for me, was that all the hope I had felt before—the “we can do this!” feeling—suddenly seemed to be in question. Maybe we couldn’t do this. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be married. Maybe neither of us were built for it. Maybe we were both just too selfish. Maybe we never should have gotten married in the first place…

It’s so easy to get carried away with “what ifs” when you’re failing.

The next week when we went to see our marriage counselor, we sheepishly admitted to her what had happened. And I’ll never forget what she said to us. She told us, “Oh, good. You’re failing. That means you’re making progress.”

She went on to explain how failing was a perfectly normal part of the process. Failing means you’re trying to reconcile your old way of doing things with the new one. It means you’re working to internalize the new way of thinking and existing.

Failing is actually a good thing!

This was such a relief for me to hear. Failing didn’t mean my marriage was doomed or that we were destined to fight forever. It was just a natural part of the process to my husband and I learning new ways to relate to one another. Failing was just one step in a really long process to creating a enjoyable marriage.

Since then, we’ve continued to make progress toward our goals of relating to each other in healthy ways. We’re happier than we’ve ever been—and we just keep getting happier.

Whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish—whether it’s losing weight, redirecting a relationship, reading more, complaining less—failing is a totally normal part of the process. Don’t let yourself get discouraged. Don’t get lost in the “what ifs”. Instead, make the decision to keep making steps forward, despite your setbacks.

You won’t regret it.

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