Allison Vesterfelt's Blog, page 13

This One Thing Might be Keeping You From Enjoying Your Life

I’ve always felt like the “next” season of my life was going to be the best season of my life. When I was in elementary school, I couldn’t wait to get to middle school (because no one tells you about middle school before you get there). When I was in middle school, I was certain high school would be the jam.

When I got to high school, of course, I couldn’t wait for college; and yet I spent the entire four years I was in college bemoaning college and waiting for the moment I would graduate and move on.

Photo Credit: Nana B Agyei, Creative Commons

Then, when post-graduation wasn’t anything like I expected, I started waiting for the moment I would get married.

That would be the moment my life would begin (I’m a slow learner).

Recently a friend of mine came to Nashville to visit. She and I lived together in Portland for a few years before we were each married. We both went through boyfriends together and break-ups together and career successes and failures together, and I remember thinking that was such a hard season. We couldn’t wait to move on.

Now, I live in Nashville and she lives in Arkansas with her husband, and they’re expecting a baby pretty much any minute, and we talked about how much has changed since we lived together back then.

We reminisced about all the fun we had—the nights of eating popcorn and watching Gilmore Girls, the long runs on the miles and miles of forrest that stretched out our backdoor, the “accidental” shopping trips and walks downtown to get frozen yogurt or lattes.

There were hard things about that season, but for the most part it was really good.

We were blessed. Our cups were full. And, in a way, we missed it.

I guess, in some ways, there’s no way to get around this. It’s always easier to see the blessings of a season when we’ve moved beyond it than it is too see them while we’re in it (for me, at least). I think we have this funny way of remembering on the good parts about seasons of the pas and blocking out the bad. But at the same time, this conversation got me thinking.

What if I could look at the season I’m in with the same kind of perspective I have on that season of the past?

What if I could just decide to appreciate it?

If that was the case, maybe I wouldn’t have to wait until a season was over to really feel thankful for it. Maybe I could feel thankful while I’m in it. I wouldn’t have to resent my season or miss it. I could just enjoy it.

I think I’m getting better at this, honestly.

Maybe it just comes with age. It must. Because I really am getting better at this. I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better. I’ve been married for two and a half years now, which should be about the time we get the “baby” itch, but we’re waiting for awhile. I’m trying not to rush things, not to get ahead of myself.

I’m trying to remember there are not timelines for these things and to enjoy the time we have to ourselves.

Of course, there are things I hope to achieve in my career, but even with those things I’ve recently started thinking—maybe it’s better to have a long view. Maybe I don’t need to accomplish them now. Maybe the more I zoom in, the more I enjoy what I have, the less like I am to miss all the beautiful things about this season.

There are so many beautiful things about right now.

I look around me and can’t help but feel thankful. It’s not big things I feel thankful for, but little things. I just made myself some coffee at home, and I’m sitting in my favorite chair. I’m up early, and nobody else is awake. It’s quiet in the house. There’s clutter everywhere, but it’s my clutter, our clutter, the clutter of people I love.

Life is beautiful, even when it’s a little bit messy.

Don’t you think?

The post This One Thing Might be Keeping You From Enjoying Your Life appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Don’t Wait to Be Invited to Your Life

When I was in elementary school the “thing” was wall ball. At recess, everybody who was anybody played. Wall ball was a game where you clasped your hands together in one giant fist, smacked that fist against a bouncy ball (a “wall ball” duh) and bounced that wall ball against a wall.

Now that I’m explaining it, I feel kind of stupid. The game basically explains itself.

Photo Credit: John Tornow, Creative Commons

Anyway, since only two people could play wall ball at a time, and there were only a few wall ball “courts” on the playground, the really good players would try to group together so they could get the most quality playing time in. The less-skilled wall ball players would wait to be invited to a group.

I’ll give you three guesses about which side I was on.

Yup. I was the one waiting to be invited to a team. And while wall ball might be unique to my situation, or my time period, or my school, this is an age-old dilemma.

Haven’t we all done our share of waiting to be picked for a team?

And yet, the biggest problem with this mentality is that it doesn’t leave us when we leave elementary school. Maybe you can identify with this. I’ve spent most of my life waiting to be picked for stuff: I waited to be chosen for a certain group of friends, for the perfect job, for a title or position I wanted.

When I was single, I waited for years for the perfect guy to show up knocking on my door.

I waited for someone to tell me a was  “good writer” or that I should write a book. And you know what? I waited (and wasted away) years of my life. No one ever invited me to the things I wanted. It wasn’t their job. It was my job to decide what I wanted and to pursue it myself.

This is the biggest problem with waiting to be invited: we put all the responsibility for our life onto someone else.

It feels great to be invited, doesn’t it?

It really does. This must be why we wait for it. There is something pretty profound about being included, even when you haven’t asked.

But the problem with waiting to be included (at least for me) is that I end up feeling incredibly resentful and angry toward people for failing to do something that was my job in the first place. This would be like yelling at a roommate for not doing my dishes in the sink. Not only would it be pointless, but it would probably make the roommate less likely to include me (or do dishes for me) in the future.

Here’s the crazy thing I’m learning about being invited:

When I think back to the wall ball players, or to any of the other people along the way who seemed to be included in the group while I was left out, I see it differently now. I realize most of the people who were “invited” to the team weren’t invited because they were the best players.

They were invited because they weren’t waiting to be invited.

They had guts. Moxie. They believed in themselves.

They didn’t need someone to tell them they were good at wall ball, or that they were a great writer, or that they deserved a happy marriage. They already believed those things were true. And because they believed that, they put themselves in the game. They played with a sort of abandon. They got better and better.

So these days, I’m not waiting for anyone to invite me to my life.

What I’m finding is the more I make space for myself, the more others make space for me. When I am clear about what I want and what I’m about, the invitations aren’t quite so scarce. It’s not because I’m amazing. It’s because people want to help those who want to help themselves.

I don’t need an invitation. Neither do you. What we need is a little more moxie, a little more guts. We we need is a willingness to know what we want. What we need is to practice, practice, practice—and to make a little room for ourselves on the court.

Don’t you think?

The post Don’t Wait to Be Invited to Your Life appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Sex, Christians and Being in the Middle

Recently I was asked to speak at a conference focused on adolescent sexuality. The conference was sponsored by a few secular non-profits, including Planned Parenthood and The Crisis Teen Pregnancy Center; and the mission of the event was clear: to help young people make positive sexual choices and avoid teen pregnancies.

This was not a usual venue, or topic, for me.

In fact, at first, I wasn’t even totally sure why I would be invited. But they asked if I would speak about abstinence as one of many healthy sexual choices a teen could make, and I agreed.

And then, there I was, right where I always am, in the middle.

Photo Credit: calvin w, Creative Commons

I’m a middle child, and so obviously, I have issues—all the freudian idiosyncrasies that come along with middle-childness. It’s this need to be the peacemaker, the bridge-builder, this constant tendency to find myself in the middle of things. I’m usually the one who sees things from this side, but also from that side.

I’m the one who can’t pick a position, can’t make a choice, the one who always finds herself riding the fence with things.

I have, in the past, hated myself for this, tried to talk myself out of it, told myself this was unhealthy and “weak” and that one day I would grow out of it.

But, for now at least, this is where I am.

On the one hand, I was certain the “abstinence” talk would be by far the least popular conversation at a conference centered around sex. I mean, really? Nobody ever wrote a song with lyrics that go, “let’s talk about abstinence, baby.” This is exactly nobody’s favorite topic.

And yet, I was welcomed by the conference staff warmly when I arrived. I shared what I’d been taught in youth group growing up, what conversations we’d had about sex in my house, what worked for me when it came to abstinence, and what I never understood as a teen.

I shared some of the sexual decisions I made, and why they weren’t the right choices for me, and how I found the courage to make the right ones.

After my presentation, I had several people thank me sincerely for sharing.

On the other hand, outside, I could feel the protestors looming.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that there were protestors outside the whole time. They were upset the liberal conference was being hosted in their small town, disapproving of the non-profits who supported it and frustrated that adolescents were allowed to attend the event (because of the sexual content).

They were pretty calm, I guess, as far as protestors go. In fact, I don’t think most of the conference attendees minded them too much.

But for me, from my place in the middle, I couldn’t help but feel like, “Hey, while you’re out here being angry, I’m going to go inside and have a dialogue.” And in this sense, being in the middle wasn’t a weak place or a wishy-washy place. It was a terrifying place, a growing, confusing and sometimes awkward place. It took a ton of courage to stand in the middle.

I think, as Christians, we need to rethink the way we’ve always talked about sex.

I don’t think we can keep reusing old language to talk to new young people, or using old language to talk about new topics (sexting is a thing for teens now, for example). We can’t keep saying, “because the Bible says so” and expect adolescents are going to listen (the Bible doesn’t say anything about sexting, I checked).

Sure, God is the Word, and God is alive, but I think that means our words need to be alive with Him, always shifting and changing and growing as our culture changes and grows. We need to find new ways to explain the benefits of putting off sex, even if (and when) others don’t make the choices we think they should.

We need to expand the conversation, to be willing to go places we haven’t been willing to go before.

We need to be building bridges, not burning them.

If we don’t learn to talk about it in a new way—if we keep holding signs out in front of buildings—we won’t make any progress.

Saying all that feels hard for me, but I’m owning my place in the middle.

The middle isn’t a weak place like I’ve always thought it was. It’s not a non-position position. It’s a position in itself. It isn’t easy standing in the middle—any more than it is easy to stand on one side or the other. We need people who are willing to stand their ground, to fight for what they believe is good.

Including in the middle.

So, as for me, I’ll keep doing what I do—keep seeing both sides from where I’m standing, and keep standing here, in the middle. And I guess you can keep doing what you do, too, even if it’s holding signs out in front of buildings. Chances are you feel as passionate about your positions as I do mine, here in the middle. So I won’t try to talk you out of it.

In fact, next time I just might stop and ask you your story.

The post Sex, Christians and Being in the Middle appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Weekend Reading

photo: Vinoth Chandar, Creative Commons

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

The Lie And The Truth About Marriage by Glennon Melton (Momastery)

I wish more people would talk about marriage this way. In my experience, people tend to glorify what marriage is really like and what it’s about. Marriage is amazing, but it also hurts like hell. I absolutely adored this post by Glennon.

Secrets of Success: How Reading Gives You An Edge by Alli Worthington

Thankfully, I love reading and don’t need much encouragement to lose myself in a book. But in case you find yourself tending toward TV or social media instead of a book, here are a few things that motivate you to pick up a book next time, instead.

8 Ways Neuroscience Can Improve Your Presentations by Geoffrey James

I just found this so profoundly helpful. It doesn’t matter if you’re preparing lesson plans as a teacher, if you’re presenting something at a meeting, or if you’re speaking at a conference or at church—this will help you organize your ideas and communicate them clearly.

Five Attributes of an Innovator by Cole NeSmith

Many of us want to be innovators, and several of us call ourselves innovators. But what does it really take to be an innovator? I was convicted by this list from Cole. I especially liked #1.

 The Bottomless Pit of People-Pleasing by Seth Godin

I’ve been thinking about this so much lately, trying to curb my tendency to people-please. What about you? Do you find yourself trying to make everybody happy?

The post Weekend Reading appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Need to Stop Procrastinating? Definitely Read This Blog Post

Well hello there fellow procrastinator. It’s nice to see you here. I’m not sure what it is your procrastinating from—dishes piling up in your sink, reports you were supposed to have filed by the end of the day, bills you’ve been putting off all week—but whatever it is, welcome.

As for me, I’m supposed to be editing, and instead I’m writing this blog post.

Photo Credit: Matryosha, Creative Commons

I’m so glad we could meet under these conditions. We understand each other, you and me.

Someone told me once: procrastination is about fear.

At first, that didn’t really ring true to me. In fact, I thought, “nah, for me, it’s really just about being lazy.” When I’m supposed to be doing something hard—like writing a book or cleaning my bathroom (okay, that’s not hard, just disgusting) or finishing an editing assignment—I want to do something easier.

Suddenly I realize I’m ravenously hungry, or I need some “inspiration” from Twitter, or shoot, my headphones are in the car and, oh yeah, I was going to order that one book…

But then, more recently, I started wondering:

What is it we don’t like about hard tasks?

We like the completion of them. We like the finishing point. We love the feeling of finishing a long run or losing 10 pounds or writing a book. We just don’t like the process, necessarily—the feeling of being hungry, or logging the miles, or getting the words down on paper.

Is it possible there’s a little fear of that process?

I was thinking about this the other day when I went for a jog for the first time in months. Well, actually, “went for a jog” is a tiny bit generous. What I basically mean is I put the stretchy clothes on, as if I was going to go for a jog, but then I piddled around my house for 30 minutes, finding a dozen other things to do.

I asked myself, on several occasions, “Why am I not walking out the door right now?” and I could think of a dozen perfectly logical excuses.

“Well, these dishes aren’t going to do themselves!” or “I’ll go after the laundry is done,” or “I really shouldn’t run on an empty stomach,” or “I’ll just wait until it warms up a little.” But the longer I procrastinated, the more I realized, I wasn’t avoiding the task itself so much as I was avoiding the pain or sacrifice it was going to take to complete it.

And I wonder if this is really what we’re doing when we’re procrastinating

Perhaps, for example, there is a task you’re supposed to be doing right now (no pressure).

Maybe it’s going on a run, or making a phone call, or writing a college paper. Chances are, the task feels difficult for you. My guess is you’re putting it off not because you’re lazy, but because you’re a little afraid of the pain associated with it.

But it wasn’t until I avoided my run all day the other day that I realized: You can’t avoid the pain by putting it off.

In fact, we actually prolong the pain when we procrastinate. We take a task that should have taken 30 minutes (like a quick run), and spread it out over the course of an entire day. A task that should have taken 10 minutes (having a hard conversation with a friend) suddenly takes weeks to address, and meanwhile, bitterness grows.

Procrastinating a task doesn’t protect us from any pain. It doesn’t save us at all. It’s completely illogical and nonsensical.

Maybe—just maybe—if we think of it this way, we can stop doing it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go order something on Amazon I’ll never use, pin some recipes on Pinterest I’ll never make, spend 10 minutes considering a Tweet I’ll never send, and then get back to my editing project.

I’m pretty sure you have some procrastinating to do as well.

The post Need to Stop Procrastinating? Definitely Read This Blog Post appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Hope Runs: On Travel, Adventure and How to Chase A Dream

This is how you chase a dream: You step off a plane into the dark night of Africa, and you let God take you where you are supposed to be.

It is not my first time here.

It is 2006, and this place has pulled me back with a force I cannot escape. I am here to put one foot in front of another to get to the top of Mt. Kenya. I am ready for another adventure.

From Allison: This is a guest post from Claire Diaz-Ortiz. Claire an author, speaker and innovator at Twitter—and she is also the mother of one of the world’s most popular (and adorable) babies. She’s giving away FREE copies of her new book, Hope Runs, today, so keep reading!

In the past year, I have run, and walked, and trekked and moved across 19 countries. It has been a year of trains, and planes, and reading hundreds of books on beaches the world over. 

Before I climb, someone recommends a cheap guest house where I can stay the night. I agree readily (my wallet is thin). It is owned by an orphanage, they say, and I smile. I don’t care who owns it, I say. It is just a place to rest my head.

I arrive at that place of green and blue and 170 screaming little ones, and then everything happens at once.

I feel a stirring like nothing I’ve felt before, and then I am looking in the mirror asking God to help me see. If you have put this place in my way to change me, open my eyes. 

I plead.

He answers. At once.

I don’t climb the mountain. I never do, in fact. I live at that orphanage for a year. I start a running program with muscled teens and tiny little ones who all run with equal fervor. (Fervor that surpasses me, even on my best days.) The running program becomes a nonprofit organization called Hope Runs and life speeds up. 

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image by J. Carrier

And then, the year is over and life is calling again, this time to graduate school. But I have left a piece of me in Africa, and she will come to claim it. Because I have met a boy. A small one, a teen, a boy who needs a family. A boy with a history so sad and so deep that only hope will heal it.

And so with tugging and twisting and prayer and hope and the passage of another year of time, this boy finally comes to the United States, and comes to be my family.

And now it is eight years later and this boy is grown, and I am (more) grown and now there is a book in our hands. They tell us we wrote it but we say we lived it. That this is the story that we were meant to live.

Hope Runs: An American Tourist, A Kenyan Boy, a Journey of Redemption is the story of this journey.

A story of me, and a story of Sammy, and a story of two lives upturned. 

A story of how a dream chased me.

This is my story. What is yours? Do you want to unleash it into the world? 

In honor of the launch of Hope Runs, I’m giving away a free ebook, entitled, Share Your Story. Download it here.

Win one of 3 Copies of Hope Runs:

To win a copy of Hope Runs, do one or more of the following things. Leave 1 comment on this post for every item you do.

Like this blog post on Facebook.
Tweet this blog post.
Post this blog post on Pinterest.

Remember, for each thing you do, leave one comment. (So, if you post on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest, that would be three comments.)

(Or, buy a copy of Hope Runs and get $150 in freebies.)

About Hope Runs:

Sammy Ikua Gachagua had lost his father to illness, his mother to abandonment, and his home to poverty. By age ten, he was living in a shack with seven other children and very little food. He entered an orphanage seeing it as a miracle with three meals a day, a bed to sleep in, and clothes on his back.

When Claire Diaz-Ortiz arrived in Kenya at the end of an around-the-world journey, she decided to stay the night, climb Mt. Kenya, then head back home. She entered an orphanage seeing it as little more than a free place to spend the night before her mountain trek. God had other plans.

Hope Runs is the emotional story of an American tourist, a Kenyan orphan, and the day that would change the course of both of their lives forever. It’s about what it means to live in the now when the world is falling down around you. It’s about what it means to hope for the things you cannot see. Most of all, it’s about how God can change your life in the blink of an eye.

About Claire Diaz-Ortiz:

Claire Diaz-Ortiz (@claire) is an author, speaker and Silicon Valley innovator who was an early employee at Twitter. Named one of the 100 Most Creative People in Business by Fast Company, she holds an MBA and other degrees from Stanford and Oxford and has been featured widely in print and broadcast media. She writes a popular blog at ClaireDiazOrtiz.com and is the author of the new book, Hope Runs: An American Tourist, a Kenyan Boy, a Journey of Redemption.

The post Hope Runs: On Travel, Adventure and How to Chase A Dream appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

A New Approach to A Lifelong Battle With Depression

I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life.

As I’ve grown up, and gotten healthier (emotionally, physically, spiritually), I’ve had fewer and fewer seasons of depression. Even when the seasons come, they tend to last weeks, rather than months or years. But recently I dipped into one of my familiar seasons once again and caught myself thinking what I always think:

Here we go again.

Photo Credit: 55Laney69, Creative Commons

I tend to think of depression like this: like getting caught in a riptide—the best thing to do is just let your body go limp and wait for the wave to spit you out when it’s finished. Fighting for the surface of the water would be pointless and impossible. You don’t know which way is up.

This is the worst part about depression, if you ask me.

It’s not that it makes your brain cloudy, or steals your interest in all of your favorite things. I mean, it sucks that it makes you gain weight and takes away all your energy and forces you into bed at weird times of the day to take naps.

But the worst part about depression is the “here we go again” feeling. It’s the part I never recognize as awful while I’m in it, but when I’m on the other side, I’m all like, “What the hell was that? And why on earth did I feel so powerless to stop it?

I was talking to a friend about my depression this most recent time around, and she asked me a question I found to be helpful. She asked:

What if you don’t have to do this forever?

If she were to ask me that when I was in a season of depression, it probably wouldn’t have felt as helpful as it did. There’s nothing more insulting than being caught in a riptide and having someone yell to you, from the shoreline, “swim!” But her timing was good. The “ride” was over and I was laying on the shore, coughing up water and praying I never had to go through that again.

I was vulnerable enough to take any advice I could get.

So I let myself think about her question, and what I realized was this: I had always assumed my battle with depression would be lifelong.

I figured it was a part of me.

It was part of how I was made, how I was built.

Of course, there is all kinds of research that would back me up in that claim. Brain chemistry plays a role in depression and some personalities are more prone to it than others. But what struck me in that moment was that my belief that depression was just “a part of me” was leading me to deal with depression in a really specific way.

Actually, it was leading me to not deal with it.

Why would you deal with a problem you can’t fix?

My idea about depression was leaving me at the mercy of depression, allowing it to come and take over my life whenever it saw fit.

So I decided to get pissed.

After all, this is the thing I can’t do when I’m depressed. I can’t get angry or up in arms about anything. Maybe if I stayed mad at depression—mad that it had stolen so many years from me, mad that it had tricked me into thinking I couldn’t be different—maybe then I had a shot at getting rid of it.

Maybe then I would find healing was possible—like the man who reached his crippled hand out to Jesus (“Do you want to be well?”)

Maybe then I would reach out, myself.

I don’t expect that it’s going to be get better overnight.

Nothing ever does. Life isn’t perfect, and every good thing takes work. I’ll probably get depressed again. But I’m choosing to believe depression isn’t part of me, it’s not attached to me, it’s not an unsolvable problem that I’ll deal with for the rest of my life. I’m choosing to believe there is hope.

If for no other reason than it helps me to feel like myself.

Disclaimer: I am not a trained therapist. I’m simply sharing from my experience. Depression can be difficult and dangerous. If your depression is a threat to your health, please seek the help of a professional.

The post A New Approach to A Lifelong Battle With Depression appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

Weekend Reading

photo: Vinoth Chandar, Creative Commons

Each weekend I love to leave you with a list of the best things I have read on the Internet because, well, sometimes, you just need something great to read. I’m so excited to share these articles with you, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

If you read something great this week, leave me a note in the comments. And mostly, enjoy your weekend. Do something awesome!

(PS… I know I encouraged you not to spend your weekend reading, so if you don’t get to this until Monday, that’s totally fair. Also, PPS… this week’s selections seem a little different than normal, but I hope you enjoy them anyway. Can you tell I was preparing for a speaking engagement?)

What Happens to Our Brains When We Have Stage Fright by Mikael Cho (via Buffer)

I think most of us can identify with that gut-sinking, stomach-dropping feeling you get right before you have to speak in front of a group of people. I’ve learned lots of strategies for coping with this feeling, but this review of what is happening in your brain when you feel that way is totally fascinating.

12 Things TedX Speakers Do That Preacher Don’t by Nicholas McDonald (via ChurchLeaders)

Can you tell I was preparing for a speaking engagement this week? Perhaps that’s why two articles about public speaking caught my eye. Don’t miss this one about what the best Ted Speakers do that others might miss.

The Single Most Effective Change I Made to My Digital Presence by Chris Brogan

It’s amazing to me how fast the “rules” of the online world can change. I really appreciated this article about one change this author has made to his digital presence that has paid huge dividends. It has me thinking, for sure.

A Photographer Asks Convicts to Write to Their Younger Selves (via Trent Bell & BuzzFeed)

If you’re reading from your iPhone, you might want to mark this one for later. You’ll have a hard time reading the small print behind the photos. But take a minute to check out the letters when you’re on your computer, and make sure you watch the video too. You won’t regret it.

Feel More Beautiful With This Simple Patch [VIDEO] (via Dove)

Okay, so put aside for a second the questions of whether this experiment is ethical, or whether it exploits the women who participate (I saw plenty of comments like that floating around, and understand the concern). But focus on this: our minds are incredibly powerful. When we can change our minds, we can change just about anything.

The post Weekend Reading appeared first on Allison Vesterfelt.

At Some Point, You Have to Stop Reading Blogs

I’m a reader. I believe everyone can find value in reading, but I’m not talking about the “everyone-finds-value-in-reading” kind of reader. I’m talking about the lock-myself-in-a-room, stay-up-all-night, read-while-I’m-walking-to-my-coffee-meeting (and-almost-get-hit-by-a-car) kind of reader.

I love everything about reading.

Photo Credit: Stefano Tranchini, Creative Commons

I love getting caught up in a story—so that I almost forget it isn’t my own story, so that I start to feel like I am one of the characters. I love the thrill of new information, new understanding.

I love the practicality of it—a recipe book, a health and fitness book, a business book—they way these books can tangibly and sort of immediately improve my life.

And I guess this is why I fell in love with the blogging world, too, in a way…

It was as if I had this instant and exciting access to all kinds of authors (even those who hadn’t authored books) specializing in all kinds of different subjects, with any manner of unique voices, who spent time sharing their stories and their information in their own creative way.

I learned new recipes, made new friends, got great advice, pondered all of the deliciously beautifut outfits I could be wearing (if I didn’t constantly find myself in jeans and a t-shirt) and home-projects I could be doing (if I wasn’t such a creative disaster when it comes to anything other than writing).

All this to say—it is really easy (and fun) to get wrapped up in.

And yet, here is the problem: At some point, you have to stop reading.

I don’t mean, like, stop reading for good. I’m not talking about putting our books down, or putting our blogs away, or clearing out our readers and never touching them again. What I’m talking about is how, at some point, you have to stop asking, stop researching, stop polling the audience, and start living.

In other words, when it comes to making a big decision—there’s only so much advice you can get before you have to make up your own mind. There’s only so long you can patrol the internet, learning and leaning on the opinions of others, before you have to choose your own perspective.

You have to decide for yourself.

There’s only so much commiserating you can do, only so much learning and reading and gaining insight, before you realize none of that insight does you any good if you don’t do something with it.

At some point each of us have to create something for ourselves.

I forget this so often.

I get so lost in the ideas and creations and opinions and thoughts of others—I forget to create something for myself. I get so stuck consuming what is around me, I forget consuming is not the same as creating; and that, while I am a consumer by culture and training, I am a creator by nature and design.

When I’m not creating, I’m not fully myself.

So my challenge to you (and myself) this weekend is to do something: decide something, build something, go somewhere, try something, experiment. Don’t just sit back and watch TV, or read a book. Don’t ask what everybody else is doing. You don’t need anymore direction or advice.

You’re a creator, for heaven’s sake. When you are creative, this is when you are most yourself.

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The Myth of the “Big Break” and What it Takes to Achieve Success

Everybody is waiting for their big break.

I’m not talking about the “break” to become famous, although maybe some of us are waiting for that. I’m talking about that breaking point when all the pieces of your life fall together and suddenly everything is perfect.

Photo Credit: Peter, Creative Commons

“Just follow these five steps and you’ll overcome depression.” “Take these small steps, and you’ll break free from anxiety.” “10 principals can earn you a better marriage.”

All the myths of popular culture support this view.

Every romantic movie (Cinderella), every success story (Justin Beiber), every blog post (heck, even this one right here) has the tendency to make it seem like there is this “moment” where everything seamlessly comes together. There might be suffering or struggling, but then eventually you read my ten points, or are discovered by Usher, or the shoe fits and… poof… It’s all downhill from there.

And yet the more time I spend around people who have lives and careers and marriages I admire; the more I try to build a life and a career and a marriage worth admiring too, the more I realize: There is no such thing as a big break.

It just plain doesn’t exist.

When I first quit my job and set off on my journey to write a book, I figured the publishing deal would just sort of “happen.” It wasn’t just popular culture that supported this view. My Christian upbringing did it as well. Although I had no idea what it took to publish a book, I figured God did. And I was waiting to see what God would do.

I imagined there would be this moment—this sort of magical, the-shoe-fits, Usher-wants to-pick-you-up-in-his private-jet moment, where I bumped into the right person at the right time, and they would think my book was amaaaaazing (they’d say it like that).

And poof! I would have a book deal.

I don’t think I even need to say it didn’t work like that.

It’s not that there weren’t moments of serendipity, or that, looking back, I can’t see God’s hand in all of it. I can. It’s as if He were weaving the tiniest of moments together, until they were all cozy and tangled, like strands of a comfortable blanket. I can see now how, when several insignificant strands are woven together, they become something useful.

But when I was in the moments, they rarely felt like significant moments. They usually felt like disconnected and confusing.

There was tons of hard work and tons of struggle, followed by small, satisfying moments of progress.

This is what life is like—more than a fairy tale.

In other words, if you want to make progress in your marriage, there is no magic formula to fix it. There’s no 10-step program or “success or your money back” guarantee. There are good books full of wisdom and advice, but there is mostly getting out there, putting the advice into practice, putting one foot in front of the other.

There is trying, failing, trying, failing and then trying again.

If you want to succeed in your career, know this: there is no moment.

There is no promotion, no award, no compliment or accolade or encouragement that will make you feel like you’ve made it. There is no big break. There is only caring about the work you do, putting in the time, growing in your craft, showing up day after day…

The are moments of struggle, and of hard work, followed by small, satisfying moments of progress.

You get out what you put in.

This is the secret to being successful, if you ask me, and the only remedy to the “big break” myth. If you wait for your big break, you might be waiting your whole life to get the things you really want.

But if you get started working now, and don’t give up, you just never know where that path might lead.

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