Jane Wenham-Jones's Blog, page 12
August 7, 2014
Let Them Eat Cake …
Love the Romaniacs – crazy, cake-eating romantics that they are. So thrilled to get a spot on their blog. If you like cake and romance, take a look at them. If you like cake TOO much – read on here… :-)
Originally posted on The Romaniacs:
Let them eat cake….
(And we’ll have some too!)
Jane Wenham-Jones, author of the revolutionary new eating plan 100 Ways to Fight the Flab – and still have wine and chocolate, explains why every successful diet still involves a slice of what you fancy…
No Cake for YOU….
If I told you that you could never have cake again, what would you immediately fancy? Yep, a great big lump of Victoria sponge, or a rich moist coffee and walnut gateau, or a gloriously chocolatey brownie, or perhaps a fresh cream éclair…(insert your own weakness). You may not even like cake (you strange creature) but if your downfall is crisps (as mine is), pizza, or fresh crusty bread with lots of butter, and I suddenly tell you that if you want to lose weight, it has got to go – ? Well, you get my drift…
There are two big…
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August 1, 2014
Plain Jane 250714: Royalty, politics, tourism and how not to waste money
Originally published last week but I’ve been away teaching at the fabulous Chez Castillon…
HAPPY Birthday Prince George and congratulations on being able to walk.
The day before the smallest royal heir turned a year old, I was on BBC Radio Kent reviewing the papers, amused to see how the different publications approached the anniversary.
Beneath the official photo of the toddler strutting his stuff, the Daily Mail made much of the fact that Prince William was getting a job nearer home so he could be a hands-on dad (jolly good!) and informed us that the baby’s fetching blue dungarees cost £27; the Times pointed out that the Queen is ahead of her grandson when it comes to shifting royal memorabilia on eBay (8,716 items sold featuring Queenie, only 1,202 for young George), while The Sun was able to reveal that Andrew Morton, late biographer to Diana, Princess of Wales, was predicting that Prince William would one day abdicate in favour of his son (goodness and we haven’t even got Charles on the throne yet). Apparently above having its head turned by any sort of Windsor excitement, The Guardian appeared to ignore the entire event and was more interested in the fact that students in Massachusetts have developed a printer that can churn out 3D ice-cream. John Warnett, Radio Kent’s Breakfast Show presenter, seemed rather more enlivened by this too.
THERE has also been much in the news about the need to increase funding for the NHS. A recent poll suggested that 48 per cent of those questioned thought this should be done by raising taxes while 21 per cent considered patients should be charged. For the 12 per cent who answered “don’t know”, can I suggest some basic savings. Last week my husband received a letter informing him who his GP was, despite us having had the same (wonderful) doctor for the last 24 years. He was being told this, the letter said, because he is now over 75. Whether it was thought he’d forget his doctor’s name at this great age, who knows, but with an ever-increasing elderly population, with those over 75 set to double in the next 30 years, and second class stamps costing 53p, please don’t start writing to them all…
SOMEONE at the Times must like Thanet. The isle has made no fewer than three “best of” lists published by the national newspaper, with Kingsgate Bay appearing on Best Hidden Beaches (won’t be quite so secret now); the fab Royal Harbour Hotel in Ramsgate coming in at a well-deserved number ten for the best places to stay on the beach (overlooking the sea, would be a more accurate description, but we know what you mean) and the new Sands Hotel in Margate scooping a spot on Best Beach Restaurant for its Romney Marsh lamb and Kent cheeses. Hurrah and well done to all concerned. I trust the powers that be at our esteemed council are suitably thrilled. And fully primed to meet the influx of eager trippers, anxious to try these gems. Never one to shirk my responsibility to state the bleedin’ obvious, I would remind them that visitors to the area will want available parking, clean loos (that stay open) and a spot of tourist information, easily gleaned. Just saying…
WHAT I can’t say is that I was overly gripped by the comings and goings of David Cameron’s reshuffle, which is perhaps why I was only half listening to Radio Four and misheard. For a brief, joyful moment I thought our Prime Minister had displayed a stroke of genius and it was not Liz, but Lynne Truss who was to join the cabinet. Imagine my delight at the thought of the novelist, journalist and expert on punctuation being in a position of influence. At last, someone in power who would haul the BBC over the coals if they dared allow reporters to say “less” when it should be “fewer”. And who could be relied upon to take decisive action against any greengrocer found wantonly using an apostrophe to make a plural from potato.
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You can read the original article at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Plain-Jane-Royalty-politics-tourism-waste-money/story-21937654-detail/story.html
Filed under: articles, events, Isle of Thanet Gazette, non-fiction, Plain Jane Tagged: Andrew Morton, BBC Radio Kent, Daily Mail, david cameron, isle of thanet, Jane Wenham-Jones, John Warnett, Kent, Kingsgate Bay, Lynne Truss, Margate, NHS, Prince George, Prince William, Radio Kent, Ramsgate, Romney Marsh, Royal Harbour Hotel, Sands Hotel, The Guardian, The Times


July 22, 2014
Express Newspaper features 100 Ways
Am pleased to have been recognised as a “diet expert” :-)
Says she, with the chocolate nut cookie hanging out of her mouth…
(Brazil nuts – full of selenium you know….)
But if you are planning summer parties, barbecues, and foodie days out – hope this might be useful :-)
Originally posted on 100 Ways To Fight The Flab:
Time to celebrate! How to party without putting on the pounds.
WANT to let off steam this summer without piling on weight? Diet expert Jane Wenham-Jones reveals her top 10 tips…
Nobody (except the teetotal) should be expected to go to a wedding or a big birthday and say no to champagne. Or refuse those yummy little canapés and stand there with a carrot stick. Even if we arrive at a barbecue or garden party with the best of intentions, determined only to drink water and eat the salad garnish, we’re soon going to start feeling deprived and hungry and miserable and as though we’re missing out. No surprise then that, before the end of the evening, so many of us fall off the wagon and stuff our faces with abandon.
Jane Wenham-Jones, the author of How to Fight the Flab and Still Have Wine & Chocolate, offers her top…
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July 12, 2014
Plain Jane 090714: Three cheers for poo-lice
ANDY Murray lost the tennis; the Germans won the football (so far). Type two diabetes is on the rise, standards are falling. Rumour has it Westminster was once full of perverts, and if they don’t make new antibiotics soon, we will all die. The evil Ms Gloag refused to budge on Manston and there’ll soon be a sale of all its unsold perfume and plastic chairs.
Energy prices have risen by more than one-third over the past three years and more increases look likely (so even if we don’t perish from obesity or plague, we’ll still be impoverished or cold); while house prices will mean our children live with us for ever (I don’t really mind this as long as they catch spiders and put the rubbish out).
And I have just returned from a dispiriting trip to a part of deepest Wales that made Margate look like Kensington High Street, where – surprise, surprise – it rained all day. As reasons to be cheerful go, it’s not been a great fortnight. But we have Mike on the Flipside to be a miserable old git – guess who was the first to e-mail about the Manston auction, while chortling with glee?
I am the Pollyanna of the partnership (or so he tells me), charged with sprinkling a little fairy dust on the grey workings of a drab world. It is my job, you might say, to think fluffy and pink.
So dear readers, imagine my delight, when, following my column two weeks ago about mysterious pink circles on the pavements of Ramsgate, to be able to reveal that I have heard from The Phantom Poo Sprayer. Yes!
“OK, I ‘fess up, ’tis me,” wrote TPPS, explaining that it found the biodegradable pink paint on the internet, and, inspired by a group in Cliftonville highlighted in the Isle of Thanet Gazette, began spraying mid-April.
At the time of e-mailing, TPPS, who is keeping an admirably detailed tally of where the abandoned turds appear – Church Road and St Luke’s Road are top hot spots with Upper Dumpton Park Road being, well, thoroughly dumped on (ha ha) – had marked out 43 mounds dog faeces, as it quaintly calls them, and one disposable nappy!
I am therefore regarding TPPS with suitable awe and approbation, and may have a T-shirt printed demanding it be leader of the council. But is one, I wondered, allowed to go paint-spraying willy-nilly, even if one’s motives are good? It seems the Long Arm of the Law raised the same question.
After two police officers were seen assessing the pink paint as a possible graffiti offence, TPPS, ever the good citizen, turned itself in and was subsequently interviewed by phone. “I explained,” it tells me, “that I was trying to highlight dog faeces so people wouldn’t walk in them, and unknowingly tread the result indoors on to their carpets.”
TTPS, who urges me to campaign for dog toilets in public places (couldn’t I just push for people to clean up after their damn animals?) also pointed out the dangers of dog mess to children – it can cause blindness – to young mums who could push their prams through it (ugh) and the visually impaired or anyone in the dark who could walk in it.”
The Long Arm, possibly by now feeling slightly in need of a lie down, considered this. “Carry on the good work” was the verdict.
What a relief! Sensible policing is alive and well. The pink spray continues, and we can be thankful for small mercies, look on the bright side and see clouds lined with silver wherever we go. Mike will be back next week.
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You can read the original article at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Plain-Jane-cheers-sensible-policing/story-21450808-detail/story.html
Filed under: articles, Isle of Thanet Gazette, non-fiction, Plain Jane, writing Tagged: author, blogging, books, characters, creative writing, ebooks, isle of thanet, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Jane Wenham-Jones, journalist, Kent, literature, Morgan Bailey, Morgen Bailey, non-fiction, novelist, novels, Plain Jane, speaker, story author, story authors, Thanet, TV applications, TV show, Wannabe, Wannabe a Writer, WordPress, writing, writing magazines, writing TV show


June 14, 2014
Plain Jane 130614: Is Thanet really only known for the shipping forecast?
Plain Jane: Is Thanet really only known for the shipping forecast?
As regular readers will know, I am an ardent proponent of this fair isle as the thinking punter’s destination of choice.
And have long puzzled why, with its wonderful coastline, quirky towns, easy links to London and the continent (would help if we still had an airport, of course, but I’ll contain my wrath on that one for this week), it isn’t positively blooming a la, say, Whitstable. Or Aldeburgh. Or any number of any places that haven’t actually got any more to offer than we have but manage to be chi-chi and sought-after in a way that our neck of the woods still doesn’t quite manage.
If the area were a book, I would suggest a relaunch with a new title and cover design. Because not only is “Thanet” a particularly unlovely word – but nobody has ever heard of it. And even if they have, they don’t know where it is.
I am writing this from the ever-fabulous Chez Castillon in the Dordogne where I usually tutor others who wish to be best-selling authors (you know what they say about those who teach) but on this occasion am being forced to swallow my own advice. That is, I am “on retreat” charged with producing a huge swath of the novel I should have finished two years ago, before my agent has apoplexy.
By way of experiment I threw the question open to my companions, a bunch of intelligent, sophisticated, well-travelled writers. “What does ‘Thanet’ mean to you?” I enquired in jolly tones at breakfast. “Totally Happy And Not Ever Terrible,” piped up Clare, which wasn’t a bad effort for a woman with a hangover.
“Rhymes with Gannet,” offered Katie, who’d also had a late night.
“Where is it?” I tried.
“Sounds as though it should be near Reading,” said AJ. “It’s where the oysters come from,” said Jo, who was at least in the right county.
“It is on the coast,” declared Judy with authority. Where exactly? I asked. “In Essex”.
“No idea,” intoned Betty.
Catherine, a fellow-devotee of the Shipping Forecast, was confident. “I know where each-way point is. And North Foreland is in Thanet.”
“I only know where it is because you’ve told me you live there,” finished Clare.
A search of Google is no more inspiring. “Thanet is a local government district of Kent,” drones Wikipedia, hardly making it sound like a must-go. Next up is the website for Thanet District Council (and if that won’t put ‘em off nothing will) followed, as I type, with a photograph of the local Tory leader leader Bob Bayford on this very newspaper’s website, who is trying to be gung-ho about his party’s chances against Ukip.
Nothing is screaming Glamour, Style or Come Visit Me.
And even if, like me, you spend every bank holiday thinking that might actually be a damn good thing cos there’s enough of ‘em clogging up the pavements already, in the absence of any other notable industry, visitors are Thanet’s best hope of future fortune.
I am wondering if we shouldn’t go the way of Staines in Middlesex who, in 2012, renamed themselves, Staines-upon-Thames in an attempt to go upmarket. Would “Thanet-Upon-Sea” work? “Thanetstable”? “Thanetgate”? “Thanet-really-not-that-far-from-the-M2-honest”?
Ideas on a postcard please. You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover – or its title– but sadly, folks, it seems we do…
JANE will be running “Write and Sell Short Stories” at Chez Castillon, in France, October 4-10. See http://janewenhamjones. wordpress.com/writing-courses-at-chez... for details. Gazette readers receive a ten per cent discount – say THANET when booking. And be ready to explain where it is…
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Read the original article at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Plain-Jane-Thanet-really-known-shipping-forecast/story-21231226-detail/story.html
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May 31, 2014
Plain Jane 300514: My view on term-time holidays
RECENT figures have shown that 24,000 children each day are taken out of school for a family trip.
If I still did the school-run, it might well be 24,001. I believe in a proper education as fervently as any Education Secretary, but I have nothing but sympathy for the 200,000 parents who have signed a petition demanding a change of heart from Michael Gove on the vexed matter of time off from the classroom.
If my child were of that age, I’d have added my name too. And if I’d been the mother of the girl from Staffordshire recently refused leave to attend her grandfather’s funeral, it would have been more than a petition I was waving.
We asked permission to take our son out of school on several occasions, for a variety of reasons – not just because my husband suffers an allergic reaction both to other people’s children and paying through the nose (if the government really wants to stop families going away in term time, their best bet would be to ban the airlines from inflating their prices the minute the kids break up) – and were never refused. I was always polite.
I always promised missed work would be made up. I would generally emphasise the learning opportunities of my son spending, say, two days on a road trip with his father, taking in sites of cultural and historical interest (and keep quiet about the bribe I’d offered him if he begged to see Ely Cathedral or Brunel’s SS Great Britain, because I had a book to finish).
But how much of a lasting impression these outings had, I cannot say. Asked to recall educational jaunts taken with his fond parents, my son wrinkles his nose. “There was a big old house we went to”, he recalls, “when dad was in a bad mood” (This did not help to narrow it down). “And that air memorial place when you stayed at home (This turned out to be the Imperial War Museum, Duxford). His warmest reminiscing is reserved for the morning the whole class were allowed to stay at home while England played Brazil in the World Cup.
Nevertheless, I am firm in my stance. While clearly children must go to school as much as possible to have a fighting chance of knowing how many beans make five, there are many of life’s small nuggets of experience that cannot be met in the classroom. There can be many reasons why families may need to take an occasional holiday outside the traditional breaks, or visit far-flung relatives at short notice, and some encounters will be just as valuable as double maths. As parents, we should be allowed to make that judgement call. I remind my son of art galleries in Florence, mosques in Egypt and the boys weaving baskets from bamboo leaves on the white sands of the Dominican Republic. “That’s why I’m rubbish at Roman numerals,” he offers. “They did them in Year Three when we were in Lanzarote.” This is the first time I have been appraised of this gaping gap in his knowledge and am suitably shocked. “I can teach you those,” I say, rattling them off up to ten (X). The boy looks at me witheringly. “Even I know that far,” he says, correcting me onwards from four.
I HAVE just returned from a week teaching a course at the fab Chez-Castillon in the Dordogne.
I left home at 4am to get to Heathrow and sat in hours of traffic on the M25 on the way back. From the moment of the plane touching down to my walking in through my front door took over four hours.
The last time I returned from Bordeaux, the same transition was completed in under 40 minutes. So yes, thank you Ms Gloag, I am still cross about Manston….
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Read the original article at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Jane-Wenham-Jones-Taking-children-class/story-21165371-detail/story.html
Filed under: articles, events, Isle of Thanet Gazette, non-fiction, Plain Jane, writing Tagged: articles, author, blogging, books, characters, Chez Castillon, creative writing, ebooks, Iris Johnston, isle of thanet, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Jane Wenham-Jones, journalist, Kent, literature, Manston Airport, Michael Gove, Mike Pearce, Morgan Bailey, Morgen Bailey, non-fiction, novelist, novels, Plain Jane, story author, story authors, Thanet, thanet district council, Thanet South, TV applications, TV show, Wannabe, Wannabe a Writer, Waterstones Thanet, WordPress, writing, writing and tagged article, writing magazines, writing TV show


May 16, 2014
Plain Jane 160514: So here’s to you Iris, best of luck with Thanet council
So another shake-up for our beleaguered local government. In-fighting and power struggles down at Cecil Street are nothing new, of course, but I am genuinely sorry – and not a little shocked – to see Clive Hart resign as leader of Thanet District Council.
I do not know enough about the shenanigans that led to his making this decision – his Facebook statement sounds like that of a man who has just felt the final straw land on his already straining back – but I am sure of this: hopeless and incompetent as our council as a whole can appear at times, you can divide the parts of its sum into two distinct camps that have nothing to do with manifestos.
There are those who, despite being the sort to actively seek a position of local power and responsibility in the first place (personally I would rather chew my own leg off), are in it for the “right reasons” ie. they actually do want to help make Thanet a better place in which to live and work, and have a sincere interest in dealing with its pockets of deprivation and boosting its fortunes on a wider scale.
Then there are the others, who enjoy the column inches and the lunches, are thrilled by the sound of their own voice (perhaps I have missed my vocation after all) and see every debacle as an opportunity for another promotional sound-bite and a chance to get on YouTube.
Let’s face it, TDC does not need much to give it a bad name – with its fine history of corruption, pretence, prison sentences, ludicrous charades (I am old enough to remember the Councillor’s-mate-dressed-as-Sheik Gate, as well as all the forged money and rumours of back-handers) – but the latest crop of self-seeking party-hoppers, who will jump on whatever bandwagon happens to be rumbling by, if it gets them an interview, sure as hell aren’t helping much to polish up the image.
This is not a party-political rant either – there are a selection from both groups across the board – but more an expression of sadness that the former are driven to despair and resignation by the latter and that it is always the few rotten apples that we recall. I understand that by the time you are reading this, Councillor Iris Johnston will be heading up the Labour lot and I wish her well. I do not know Iris in any depth but I have seen her in action at GGGs (Gatherings-of-Great-and-Good) around the isle and, as I once commented at the time, I like a woman who bears down on the drinks tray with the same alacrity as I do. I would also like to see a woman have a go!
My colleague Mike will be delighted because he has been so rude about the feisty Ms Johnston over the years, that he clearly harbours a secret and unrequited passion; and we should all be relieved for now, as I fondly imagine Iris to be the right-reasons kind and they are the only ones who, long-term, will get us through. Let’s hope she has the stamina and steel to deal with the rest of ‘em!
“WELL, I wish you luck with that,” said a PR who I would not normally associate with being easily fazed. “I’d be terrified,” added her colleague. They were talking about my forthcoming appearance at the new and excellent Whitstable Literary Festival with the legendary Lynn “Demon” Barber who has interviewed anyone who is anyone, asks killer questions, and had the guts to quiz Jimmy Savile when nobody else dared. By the time I got on stage, and the fifth person had asked if I was scared, I could feel myself clutching her memoir “A Curious Career” (and it’s certainly had its moments) ever tighter to my thumping chest. She was fabulous. I loved it. Bring on Paxman or John Humphreys. Or, who knows, maybe even Iris…
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Read the original article at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Plain-Jane-s-Iris-best-luck-Thanet-council/story-21104269-detail/story.html
Filed under: articles, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Plain Jane, writing Tagged: article, articles, author, blogging, books, characters, creative writing, ebooks, Iris Johnston, isle of thanet, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Jane Wenham-Jones, journalist, Kent, literature, Mike Pearce, Morgan Bailey, Morgen Bailey, non-fiction, novelist, novels, Plain Jane, story author, story authors, Thanet, thanet district council, Thanet South, TV applications, TV show, Wannabe, Wannabe a Writer, Waterstones Thanet, WordPress, writing, writing magazines, writing TV show


May 1, 2014
Plain Jane 010514: 11 years of writing about Thanet, and I’m not done yet
I have been writing this column for an astonishing 11 years – ever since I bludgeoned the then editor Mike Pearce, into giving me a corner of my own – in which time I have singularly failed to be head-hunted by Fleet Street. (Or even Wapping).
Do not misunderstand me dear readers – I love writing for the Isle of Thanet Gazette. I love the invitations, the occasional letters of praise, the fulsome abuse and the helpful suggestions for gripping subject matter to propound on next. (Thank you, Dora of Westbrook, I can see that your neighbour’s brother’s cat doing its business in your garden is annoying – especially when your husband’s bedroom slipper was involved – and yes, the wool shop should stay open till six.)
It is always gratifying to be able to give vent to one’s small rages and know that there’s an outside chance that the object of your griping will get to hear about them, but how much more satisfying it must be to p*** off the Prime Minster himself rather than just irk TDC’s head of planning.

(photo by Darron Broadhurst)
How exciting, I have always thought, to be the Sunday Times’ India Knight, or the Guardian’s Lucy Mangan, there to make free with opinions, or the Weekend Guardian’s Tim Dowling, charged with sharing with the nation, the minutiae of his family life each week. What a fab job that must be!
So you can imagine my thrill and delight at finding myself on stage with all three columnists at the marvellous Chipping Norton Literary Festival last weekend, at which I got to ask the questions…
Was it a stress finding things to say every seven days, I enquired of Mr Dowling, reflecting how my own domestic bliss might err on the repetitive. (Got up late, listened to husband summarise entire country’s shortcomings, stared at largely blank computer screen for eight hours, picked up towels after son, opened wine…) Did he stalk the house demanding his spouse and offspring utter something amusing? It seems he has two or even three ideas on a Sunday night (THREE! I am usually scraping the inspiration barrel around the time the editor’s third e-mail arrives, demanding copy) and it’s all done and dusted in a couple of hours on a Monday morning.
India was eloquent on the continuing role of the professional journalist amongst a sea of bloggers and tweeters, and Lucy was graphic when describing her fondness for being rude about David Cameron. This was greeted by a slightly stunned silence from the good people of Chipping Norton. Which was no great surprise to me.
Earlier I had interviewed our one-time MP for Thanet South, Jonathan Aitken, about his book on Margaret Thatcher. There was a time when the late PM was in opposition, he explained, when some felt that she was “divisive”. “And they were probably right…” I added mildly, feeling an immediate ripple of disapproval run round the theatre.
Feedback on the event was good – JA is nothing if not entertaining – despite, as one watcher wrote, “the lefty interviewer”.
This, I felt was an achievement, having never before progressed beyond Mike Pearce’s description of me as “dangerously pink”. (Possibly because I once admitted to a crush on Ann Widdecombe.) Lefty’s got to sound more cutting edge than wishy-washy liberal. Could the call from on high come any time soon…?
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Read the original at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Jane-Wenham-Jones-11-years-writing-Thanet-m/story-21042974-detail/story.html
Filed under: articles, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Plain Jane, writing Tagged: 100 Ways to Fight the Flab, Ann Widdecombe, Chipping Norton, Chipping Norton Literary Festival, Chipping Norton Literature Festival, david cameron, Guardian, India Knight, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Jonathan Aitken, Lucy Mangan, Margaret Thatcher, Mike Pearce, Prime Time, Sunday Times, Thanet South, The Guardian, Tim Dowling, Waterstones Thanet, Weekend Guardian, Westwood Cross


April 20, 2014
Plain Jane 180414: Family tree research just to get my passport
Plain Jane: Family tree research just to get my passport
If I can give you one small piece of advice this week – along with never trust a Scotswoman bearing gifts (or buying airports) and eat more vegetables (apparently we should now be chomping our way through ten portions – do you have that sort of time? Me neither) then let it be this: Do not under any circumstances, lose your passport.
If you were already gnashing your teeth at our modern paranoid culture in which you can barely pay your electricity bill without supplying two referees and your inside leg measurement, or buy a second packet of Paracetamol without a full explanation to the supermarket queue, then just wait until you can’t produce that dog-eared little booklet of travel – even if it has almost expired.
Suddenly it’s not just where you were born, officialdom wants to know about, but where your parents popped out too. And whether they were married. And when. Fortunately, my sister is a fount of such knowledge and rattled off birthplaces and anniversaries when I phoned to wail at the length of the form. Then I moved to the next page. What about my maternal grandparents? Were they British? Where were they born? I have absolutely no idea. Were they married? Well actually they weren’t – quite a scandal at the time. But in those days you couldn’t get divorced, see, not if your first wife wanted to be difficult. Gran took his name and wore a wedding ring so the neighbours weren’t shocked – will that count? Have I got a copy of all the certificates? Of course I bloody haven’t. Isn’t it evidence enough that I hail from this Isle that I’ve had a passport for the last 30 years? Am I not on the system?
On the plus side, phoning the helpline makes a refreshing change, from say, phoning Student Finance – with whom you could quite easily lose the rest of your life – or Barclays Bank, whose telephone service reduced me to tears of rage last week, featuring as Her Majesty’s Passport Office does, a limited number of button-press options, real people who make sense, no music and a minimum of waiting time. (Could the Queen perhaps take over BT and the energy companies too?) It was to prevent fraud, soothed the nice lady who listened to my woes. In case someone stole my identity, she explained kindly, offering me the opportunity to journey to London and go through airport style security (“leave your sharp objects at home”) armed with as many birth documents as I could muster. Would anyone really go to that trouble? I wondered. And dye their hair pink and blue to start?
I have got to find it, I screeched to the household.
The boy was solicitous. “Have you looked through that?” he enquired – pointing at the pile of receipts and unopened post that dwarfs my computer. “Why would it be there?” I cried. Why indeed would it be anywhere, as my husband helpfully pointed out, except in the designated file in the downstairs office, where all passports preside.
“I might have left it on your desk,” I offered. My son and I exchanged glances. Surely even HE, with his long history of consigning incorrectly placed items to the bin without so much as a by-your-leave, would not throw away a passport. My husband, clearly feeling the long finger of suspicion heading his way, offered to report the loss to the relevant authorities (another requirement). Moments later we heard the receiver crash. “I’ve just listened to a recorded message from the Chief Constable,” he complained. “What a silly waste of his time.” The passport eventually appeared in the bag I’d used to take photo ID to the bank who’d known me for years. I was jubilant. My husband still smarting. “He should be out catching criminals,” he grumbled.
Read the original article at: http://www.thanetgazette.co.uk/Plain-Jane-Family-tree-research-just-passport/story-20979480-detail/story.html
Filed under: articles, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Plain Jane, writing Tagged: author, blogging, books, characters, creative writing, ebooks, Family tree, isle of thanet, Isle of Thanet Gazette, Jane Wenham-Jones, journalist, Kent, literature, Morgan Bailey, Morgen Bailey, non-fiction, novelist, novels, Passport Office, Plain Jane, speaker, story author, story authors, Thanet, TV applications, TV show, Wannabe, Wannabe a Writer, WordPress, writing, writing magazines, writing TV show


April 8, 2014
The joy of Chez Castillon
You never really know someone until you live with them. A truth universally acknowledged by generations of women who’ve been swept off their feet with champagne and roses only to discover too late, that he always leaves the loo seat up and his socks on the floor. No such worries when in one’s own, beautiful ensuite accommodation, and sharing a house with other females but the rest holds true.
In return for their own silence, I have promised to be judicious on the matter of what exactly I discovered about my fellow authors when we spent a week together in France but suffice to say I can thoroughly recommend the experience . It was billed as a “Writers’ Retreat”. For which I’d suspected, you could read “Writers’-sit-around-and- Drink-Too-Much”. I was, after all, going with members of the RNA – not an organisation famed for its temperance in pastures new.
But when Katie Fforde, Judy Astley, Jo Thomas and Catherine Jones and I moved en masse into Chez-Castillon, a gorgeously restored 18th century townhouse on the banks of the Dordogne, owned by Micky Wilson and Janie Millman who have turned their talents – they are both actors and Janie is also a writer and one fabulous cook – to running creative courses, surprising discipline was shown. Katie was up at six completing her daily word target before breakfast, Judy was heard to say she wouldn’t have any wine at lunchtime so she could work hard in the afternoon (“say” being the operative word here, I didn’t actually spot her without a glass in her hand) and Jo had completed 7,500 words by the end of day two, (by which time I had managed to pen a TO-DO list and wander down the road for a pedicure). Nor was it just writing!
Catherine “Brace Up” Jones put us all to shame with dawn swims; we did walking, shopping and wine-tasting (naturellement) and in the evening made our own entertainment. “Stars in their Eyes” saw Katie as Mary Hopkins, me as Joni Mitchell (ambitious, yes!), Jo providing the entire score from Calamity Jane (with hand movements) and Catherine as Edith Piaf. Micky was Nat King Cole, Judy contributed hilarious jokes (in French no less!) and Janie a poem about knickers and vicars which is now a blur but went down a treat after the fourth bottle. The whole experience of spending a week with fellow scribes was madly, gloriously, divinely inspiring and even I – Queen of Displacement - returned with a list of book chapters, a short story, two columns and some riotous photos. We will be going back….
Fast forward to NOW…
And back we’ve been – several times!
I’ve taught a number of courses, hung out with the usual suspects – which most recently included the lovely Clare Mackintosh, director of Chipping Norton Lit Fest, and used Janie’s recipes in my 100 Ways to Fight the Flab, proving you can eat well, drink copiously and still combat your writer’s bottom if you only know how.
Katie, Catherine (aka Fiona Field) and Judy have each had new books out, see covers above.
Clare’s amazing debut novel, I Let You Go is published later this year, and Jo Thomas has seen mega success with The Oyster Catcher – all were partly-written at Chez Castillon.
The authors will, I’m sure, testify to the magical, inspiring qualities of the place (it’s not just all the wine :-)).
I am back there teaching on May 17th and again in July and October (when you’ll be helped to sell a short story if it kills me! :-)). Other retreat/course dates are available.
See my page here or visit www.chez-castillon,com. Mention this blog for the chance of a discount when booking and feel free to email me for more details.
It is fab!
And I’d love to see you there.
Filed under: articles, books, events, fiction, novels, RNA, romance, writing Tagged: author, Catherine Jones, Chez Castillon, Clare Mackintosh, creative writing, ebooks, fiction, Fiona Field, getting published, Jane Wenham-Jones, Janie Millman, Jo Thomas, Katie Fforde, RNA, selling short stories, short stories, writing courses

