Michelle Hauck's Blog, page 17
July 12, 2017
Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 5
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear [Agent],
When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.
THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.
I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear [Agent],:
When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?) of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.) of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.)
THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)
This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear [Agent],
When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.
THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.
I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear [Agent],:
When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?) of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.) of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.)
THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)
This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.
Good luck!
July 11, 2017
Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 4
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear __________
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.
Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.
Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.
I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy comments:
Dear __________:
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)
Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)
Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)
I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing!
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear __________
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.
Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.
Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.
I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy comments:
Dear __________:
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)
Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)
Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)
I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing!
Good luck!
July 10, 2017
Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 3
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other five query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck,
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape. That is, until she steals his soul.
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment.
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain, Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life. But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity?
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck, (Colon for a business letter. This query came double spaced and I changed to single space for the blog. It might have been the email formatting, but you definitely want to use single spacing on a query letter and for Pitchwars.)
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blonde is just another girl to rape. That is, until she(shows herself as a demon and) steals his soul. (An antihero? Interesting. I'd give us a little (possibly tiny amount) more detail about who Creed is. Is one soldier among many? The leader of an army? A politician? Does he have a title like general? If he's just a cog in the machine, does he enjoy this sort of work or is it just a job to him? Though a warning that mention of rape is going to turn a lot of agents off instantly and it doesn't make me too happy either. You might change it to "use" and leave it more vague. Also you just kind of throw demon into the mix below; you'd better establish it here first.)
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment. (I'm interested, but why does she agree to this? What's her motivation and what's his? Does he hope for help there? A magical cure? Does he need to find the blond? This paragraph is a little too short. It needs to say more about the situation. It can also clear up whether magic is known in this world or if it's a surprise to Creed.)
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain (why? Why do they chase him in particular or do they chase everyone?), Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice (I think you mean his path to his army is blocked. Subtle difference. He'd go there if he could.) but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon(the blonde? Because I thought she was human.) and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life.(As he's sort of evil to start with, I'm not sure I care. Give us a sentence about his changing heart first before the stakes.) But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price(The price is unclear. I'm guessing he has to betray Sara but stating that would be more interesting. Specific details!) to regain his humanity? (Rephrase so it's not a question perhaps. He'll have to consider whether to pay...)
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words. (Word count is okay, but most adult fantasy are going to be closer to 90K or over.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (I always suggest paying clients cut this word. Thanks and consideration are enough.)
So an antihero! My suggestions would be to clear up a few of the points I mentioned above (like Sara's motivation) and give us a little more about his character arc. How does Creed start to change?
Also I would try and insert more of Creed's voice into the wording of your query. What swear words would he use? What slang can you use to replace more everyday words? Focus on showcasing his antihero personality and make it shine.
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other five query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck,
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape. That is, until she steals his soul.
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment.
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain, Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life. But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity?
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck, (Colon for a business letter. This query came double spaced and I changed to single space for the blog. It might have been the email formatting, but you definitely want to use single spacing on a query letter and for Pitchwars.)
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blonde is just another girl to rape. That is, until she(shows herself as a demon and) steals his soul. (An antihero? Interesting. I'd give us a little (possibly tiny amount) more detail about who Creed is. Is one soldier among many? The leader of an army? A politician? Does he have a title like general? If he's just a cog in the machine, does he enjoy this sort of work or is it just a job to him? Though a warning that mention of rape is going to turn a lot of agents off instantly and it doesn't make me too happy either. You might change it to "use" and leave it more vague. Also you just kind of throw demon into the mix below; you'd better establish it here first.)
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment. (I'm interested, but why does she agree to this? What's her motivation and what's his? Does he hope for help there? A magical cure? Does he need to find the blond? This paragraph is a little too short. It needs to say more about the situation. It can also clear up whether magic is known in this world or if it's a surprise to Creed.)
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain (why? Why do they chase him in particular or do they chase everyone?), Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice (I think you mean his path to his army is blocked. Subtle difference. He'd go there if he could.) but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon(the blonde? Because I thought she was human.) and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life.(As he's sort of evil to start with, I'm not sure I care. Give us a sentence about his changing heart first before the stakes.) But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price(The price is unclear. I'm guessing he has to betray Sara but stating that would be more interesting. Specific details!) to regain his humanity? (Rephrase so it's not a question perhaps. He'll have to consider whether to pay...)
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words. (Word count is okay, but most adult fantasy are going to be closer to 90K or over.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (I always suggest paying clients cut this word. Thanks and consideration are enough.)
So an antihero! My suggestions would be to clear up a few of the points I mentioned above (like Sara's motivation) and give us a little more about his character arc. How does Creed start to change?
Also I would try and insert more of Creed's voice into the wording of your query. What swear words would he use? What slang can you use to replace more everyday words? Focus on showcasing his antihero personality and make it shine.
Good luck!
Query Kombat 2017 Grand Champion!
Query Kombat Grand Champion
Erin King
Erin King hails from the deserts of Las Vegas, where she was a serious high school choir nerd (no, really, we won a Grammy), turned songwriter, turned novelist. These days, she lives in Manhattan with her designer husband, where they pretend “creatives” can afford the city. She writes Young Adult fiction while her three native New Yorkers attend elementary school, and takes her life in her hands every time she goes for a run in Central Park. She’s anaphylactically allergic to exercise. Yes, it’s a thing. However, she hopes to survive to write many more fantastical tales about fictional teenagers.
Erin lives on Twitter @erinkingwrites, or online at erinkingwrites.com.
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Query: When seventeen-year-old Harlow Jackson gets dumped at her grandma Minny’s wake, she’s devastated, pissed as hell, and without an escort for the Debutante season starting the very next day. But then Harlow finds something Minny left her: paper seeds. Minny always told her that if you place a magical paper seed in a book, and plant it in the ground, you can grow anything you desire from its pages.
In a fit of desperation, revenge—and, okay fine, a little too much funeral punch—Harlow grows teenage versions of Mr. Knightley, Sherlock Holmes, Dorian Gray, and Dracula to be her and her friends’ debutante escorts. Because everyone knows there’s only one thing better than a handsome, well-groomed, drawling Southern beau…an English gentleman. Harlow is tired of feeling second rate in her small Southern town, and vows to use the boys to beat her ex, and the mean-girl Debutantes, at their own game. Frankly, she’d love to burn their perfect curls off their pretty little heads, but that would just be gravy. Instead, she’ll settle for winning the Debutante crown and the accompanying cash scholarship prize, which she badly needs.
Harlow passes the boys off as four rather eccentric foreign exchange students, and everything goes according to plan until the book-boys discover their own origins and run amok. At the same time, the town witch, Madame LeRoux, comes after Harlow for the paper seeds, claiming that planting them will have dark consequences for Harlow and the people she loves. Harlow must uncover the origin and twisted history of the paper seeds to discover a way to undo what she’s grown. But as generations of town secrets and lies begin to unravel, Harlow discovers it was her beloved grandmother Minny who may have been hiding the biggest, ugliest secret of them all.
First 250:
If I hadn’t been standing in the middle of my grandmother Minny’s wake, I would have whacked that boy in the man parts so hard, people would be looking at pictures of his children in years to come and say—see the funny ear that kid has? Harlow Jackson did that.
But Jonathan took my hand and squeezed it, like he was bestowing some sort of warm comfort on me. He wore the gray shirt I’d saved up a week’s wages for, the one that was the exact color of his eyes.
Now, I wanted to rip it off him.
And not in a good way.
I took a deep breath and tried to be civil. “Your parents will get used to the idea of us. I have a way of winning people over, you know.” I smiled my most becoming smile and flashed my dimple. Jonathan loved my dimple. Everyone loved my dimple.
He closed his eyes. “It’s not that, Harlow.”
“Then what is it?” I said, too loud.
Madison Pace cocked her ear in our direction as she scooped bean dip onto her plate at the food table. Nosey was not an adjective in this town, it was a given.
I tugged Jonathan’s hand, and he followed me out onto the front porch. The sky was gray, just waiting to burst open, the air heavy and thick. October in Georgia was not a cool, crisp autumn. It’s more like standing over a pot of boiling pasta. Or maybe more like being the pasta.
Query Kombat 2017 Adult Chamption
Query Kombat Adult Champion
Maxym Martineau
Maxym Martineau is a staff writer and copy editor by day and a fantasy romance writer by night. She has a bachelor's degree in English Literature from Arizona State University and a borderline unhealthy addiction to Dr. Pepper and coffee. When she's not reading or writing, she can be found playing with her dogs or binge-watching TV shows with her husband. She also appreciates a well-made margarita.Twitter: @maxymmckay
Website: www.maxymmagazine.com
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Query:
Exiled beast charmer Leena Edenfrell is in deep shit. Empty pockets force her to sell her beloved magical beasts on the black market—an offense punishable by death—and the Charmers Council hires a lethal assassin to exact punishment. With the realm’s most talented murderer-for-hire nipping at her heels, Leena makes him an offer he can’t refuse: a promise to procure a handful of mythical creatures in exchange for her life.For assassin Noc, murder comes easy and pays well. But only fools pass up the chance to own rare and powerful magical beasts, even if that means lying to one enchanting charmer. Agreeing to Leena’s terms, Noc plans to keep the bounty live on her head until the creatures are his. Two paychecks, one job, no sleep lost.
To hunt for creatures, Noc and Leena embark on a quest across the countryside of Lendria. But traps capture more than beasts, and ensnared hearts are hard to untangle. Banished by the people she loved, Leena has no desire to take her heart out of exile, yet Noc is nothing like the monsters on the Council—or so she thinks. Bound by the magic of the assassin’s oath, Noc can’t renege on the contract for Leena’s head unless he’s willing to sacrifice his own. But neither can tame their growing feelings, and the ever-watchful Council demands blood. With Noc’s hands and heart tied, and Leena dodging enemies at every turn, no manner of beasts or money can protect their hides.
DANGEROUS BEASTS is an adult fantasy romance complete at 86,000 words with series potential.
First 250:
By the time evening fell, three things were certain: the gelatinous chunks of lamb were absolute shit, my beady-eyed client was hankering for more than the beasts in my pocket, and I was being watched.
Two out of the three were normal for my after-hours dealings.
Sliding my meat to the side, I propped my elbows against the heavy plank table. My client lasted two seconds before his gaze roved to the book-shaped locket dangling in my cleavage. Wedging his thick fingers between his shirt collar and neck, he tugged gently on the fabric.
“You have what I came for?” Nasally and high-pitched, his voice grated along my skin. A businessman. A rare visitor in Midnight Jester, my preferred black market bar. My pocket hummed with the possibility of money, and I fingered the copper key hidden in my pants.
“Maybe.” I nudged the metal dinner plate farther away, and the gray meat jiggled. “How did you find me?” Dez, the bartender, sourced most of my clients, but a businessman? Neckties and Midnight Jester didn’t mingle. Shady with a side of grime, the regulars were as dirty as the floors. I shifted in the booth crammed against the shiplap wall, and the cracking black cushions creaked.
The unseen pair of eyes lingering in a dark recess of the bar burrowed further into the back of my head. Faint movement from the shadows flickered into my awareness. Movement that should have gone unnoticed, but I’d learned to be prepared for such things.
Query Kombat 2017 Young Adult Champion
Query Kombat Young Adult Champion
Tracy C. Gold
Every day I strive to help people learn, spark conversations, think about “what’s next,” and play with cute animals.I spend most of my time teaching, editing, and writing. I cofounded Sounding Sea Writers’ Workshop, which holds writing classes and provides writing tutoring. I teach composition at the University of Baltimore, and I write short stories and novels. I also intern for literary agent Carrie Pestritto.
When I’m not working, I’m devouring a novel, riding my ex-racehorse L.J., running, biking, or at least pining for the trail.
If you’re a Terp or a Tar Heel, you may want to skip this part, because I’m a proud alum of Duke University. I earned my Masters of Fine Arts in Fiction at the University of Baltimore.
P.S., if you’re wondering why the middle initial is everywhere, it’s because I have no relationship with Tracy Gold, the actress in Growing Pains. I was actually named after a dog, which is cool by me.
Twitter: @TracyCGold
Website:www.tracycgold.com
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Query: Seventeen-year-old entrepreneur Vera Davis starts a business to sell revenge in VERA WITH A VENGEANCE, a 74,000-word young adult contemporary novel.
When a car accident paralyzes Vera’s older brother and kills her parents, she's suddenly in charge of the medical bills, the mortgage, and her own anger and helplessness. Vera's always been good at getting back at people who hurt her, but she can’t exactly get revenge on the curve in the road where her father lost control of the car.
Meager insurance payouts leave Vera desperate for money, so she starts a business: when the traditional justice system fails her clients, Vera wrecks wrongdoers’ careers and cars, relationships and reputations. She revels in taking down racists and sexual assaulters, but her crush--her brother’s best friend--thinks her style of vengeance is morally wrong.
Then, while helping a client get payback for a leaked nude picture, Vera finds new evidence about her family’s “accident.” Turns out there is someone for Vera to blame, but the perpetrator had her own very good reason to seek vengeance.
Now Vera must decide whether getting even is worth getting blood on her hands.
First 250:
This creeper keeps staring at me with this little half smile, like he thinks I want his eyes undressing me. His face, all chin and cheekbones, reeks of always getting what he wants—women, money, free drinks in first class en route to Ibiza. I want to walk away, but his wife is shopping for an evening gown, and I need the commission to pay the energy bill.
I focus on her, and hold up a green dress to hide my body. “This would look great with your eyes.”
Her eyes are blue, but the green dress sells well, and if she buys it, I’ll hit the monthly quota for a higher commission percentage. I can only work so much after school, and I have to make the hours count.
She turns to Creeper. “What do you think?”
“I’d like to see more.” His eyes flicker down to my calves and back up to my chest. For all his wife can tell, he’s checking out the dress, but his gaze burns my skin.
I hold the dress higher to cover my chest and look at my boss for rescue. He mouths work it. If I didn’t need this job so badly…I force myself to smile.
Creeper’s gold smartwatch buzzes, and he glances away from me. Those watches cost three grand. Three grand would keep the lights on and pay for a month of the mortgage. Three grand could keep Levi and me from losing the house our parents raised us in.
Query Kombat 2017 Middle Grade Champion
Query Kombat Mid Grade Champion
Jess and Britney Gulbrandsen
Jess and Britney Gulbrandsen are a husband and wife writing team who spend their romantic date nights discussing plot points and hunting for Big Foot. When they aren’t writing, Jess and Britney like to read aloud first lines of novels and create dialogue for their children and dog. In his spare time, Jess enjoys fishing, arm wrestling, and extremely low-budget monster movies. Britney spends most of her days making lists, reading, and trying to keep the little ones from burning down the house. She also talks about books and writing on herwebsite: www.britneygulbrandsen.com
Instagram: @gulbrandsenbooks
Twitter: @britgulbrandsen
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Query:
Twelve-year-old José Villa wants to be brave like his best friend, Bubba, but he’s more terrified than a fresh bass at a fish fry. So he accepts his role as sidekick in Bubba’s daring, and mostly harebrained, schemes and adventures.
But when José sneaks into a pasture with Bubba in the middle of the night, he encounters a horror he couldn’t have imagined: zombie freaking cows. Oh, and the evil witch Agatha Winters, back from the dead and ready to get revenge on the town that killed her. Not knowing what to do, José and Bubba team up with a young witch expert. Together, the trio works to stop Agatha, encountering a creepy undertaker, an incompetent sheriff, and a horde of demonic squirrels along the way.
When his friends get locked up, it’s up to José to become the hero of the story. He must overcome his fears and stop Agatha before she hoodwinks the whole town into jumping from the same cliff they pushed her off of years ago.
Southern Fried Witch Hunters is a Mid-Grade Horror complete at 45k words.
First 250:
An angry wind echoed through the night as I read the cracked wooden sign nailed to the fence. “Warning: Trespassers will be skinned alive and deep fried.”
A chill rattled my shoulders. It’d be a miracle if I lived to see the seventh grade.
Bubba scraped a large chunk of manure off the bottom of his boot and grinned. “It’s tipping time."
In Trout Bend, Alabama, cow tipping wasn’t just a hobby. It was an art form. All the best tippers came from our town, but the greatest of them all was my best friend, Bubba—better known around these parts as the da Vinci of the Dairy.
Unfortunately, like most great artists, Bubba had started to go a little bit loco. Actually, scratch that. There was nothing little about it. That boy was nuttier than a pack of rabid squirrels on a cashew binge. I mean, why else would he have dragged me out to Buck Miller’s pasture in the middle of the night?
I gulped. “Bubba, are you sure this is a smart idea?”
He laughed as he squeezed his round body between a couple strands of barbed wire. “Course it ain’t no smart idea, José. But it’s like my daddy always says, ‘Ain’t nobody ever have any fun being smart.’”
I wanted to point out that nobody had ever been arrested for being smart either, but Bubba didn’t like talking about that. I took a deep breath and slid my way through the fence.
July 8, 2017
Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 2
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
The query with my crazy notes:
(Let me start by pointing out that you don't use indents in a query letter. :-) It kinds of throws me off a tad when the formatting is different so I imagine it might do that to an agent, too.)In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward (I'm not sure you need the direction unless we know where's she fleeing from.) with her young son. (I'd usually say to include the MC's name here, but given the plot, I think it works to leave it off for a sentence.) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT (No need for caps here. You can do that in a synopsis, but not in a query.) and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s (This is the only hint that the real Anne is dead. Or does it mean her husband? Anyway it's sort of confusing. Maybe something like-- to benefit from her false in-laws?) in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the her past behind, forever. (Hoping more details of the accidental murder are provided below. Or if she has an actual husband.)
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (how? Details could make this more interesting.). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature (Can you use an example that will show us. The way she refuses to wear skirts or sit demurely at tea parties but speaks her mind. Maybe she wants to march with suffragettes or something.) and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. (I'm not sure mad is the right word. Something softer that doesn't imply insane as much. Batty? Loopy? Some slang from 1901? There's no clue who Warren is here. He could be her pretend father-in-law, though I suspect it's a brother-in-law. I just watched this same plot in a Branden Fraser move called Mrs. Winterbourne, only not set in 1901.)
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire (I'm not sure what sort of rich family this is. Are they in industry? Farmers? Can you be more specific? What sort of assets is Warren managing?), Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren (Why? What about him appeals to her. Does he make her feel safe? Sees the person inside of her?) and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart (Some details of their quirkiness/nature would be helpful to help us form an attachment.) , causing her to linger. When her past (which is? We didn't really learn any more about why she is running or from whom.) is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with not only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
I'll be blunt here and say that the query doesn't give me enough specific details to get attached and connect with Anne or Warren. It conveys the general idea and I understand the plot, but it doesn't make me care about them or how the story turns out because I don't feel it really gets to their personality. That could just be me and because I just watched a movie that's so similar.
Try adding an additional sentence to flesh out this accidental murder and how she happens to take Anne's place. I know in the movie it's a train wreck that lets her switch places with a dead woman. Give us more details from the story, more details of why they fall for each other, and I think you will grab the reader's attention more.
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward with her young son. After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the past behind, forever.
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world. His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad.
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire, Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart, causing her to linger. When her past is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
The query with my crazy notes:
(Let me start by pointing out that you don't use indents in a query letter. :-) It kinds of throws me off a tad when the formatting is different so I imagine it might do that to an agent, too.)In 1901, an accidental murderess and aspiring actress flees northward (I'm not sure you need the direction unless we know where's she fleeing from.) with her young son. (I'd usually say to include the MC's name here, but given the plot, I think it works to leave it off for a sentence.) After a chance encounter, she assumes the identity of young, wealthy widow ANNE DINSMORE TRUITT (No need for caps here. You can do that in a synopsis, but not in a query.) and travels to Wilmington, Delaware to live with deceased’s (This is the only hint that the real Anne is dead. Or does it mean her husband? Anyway it's sort of confusing. Maybe something like-- to benefit from her false in-laws?) in-laws. If she can stay in character, the new Anne hopes to con the Truitt family into providing the funds needed to escape to Europe and leave the her past behind, forever. (Hoping more details of the accidental murder are provided below. Or if she has an actual husband.)
Haunted by the deaths of most of the Truitt males, WARREN TRUITT RODNEY made protecting, managing, and running the Truitt family his sole focus. The intense, driven, leader has permitted himself almost no luxuries, indulgences, or attachments in pursuing his objectives. Anne’s addition upends his balanced world (how? Details could make this more interesting.). His duties require him to bring her into the fold, especially as her son is the family’s future leader. Nevertheless, her confounding nature (Can you use an example that will show us. The way she refuses to wear skirts or sit demurely at tea parties but speaks her mind. Maybe she wants to march with suffragettes or something.) and his uncharacteristic attraction to her begin to drive him mad. (I'm not sure mad is the right word. Something softer that doesn't imply insane as much. Batty? Loopy? Some slang from 1901? There's no clue who Warren is here. He could be her pretend father-in-law, though I suspect it's a brother-in-law. I just watched this same plot in a Branden Fraser move called Mrs. Winterbourne, only not set in 1901.)
The attraction is not one sided. After the family’s horse barn catches fire (I'm not sure what sort of rich family this is. Are they in industry? Farmers? Can you be more specific? What sort of assets is Warren managing?), Warren and Anne’s teamwork transforms lust into something deeper. Despite Anne’s need for a quick exit, her growing love for Warren (Why? What about him appeals to her. Does he make her feel safe? Sees the person inside of her?) and the entire Truitt clan tug at her heart (Some details of their quirkiness/nature would be helpful to help us form an attachment.) , causing her to linger. When her past (which is? We didn't really learn any more about why she is running or from whom.) is discovered, both Warren and Anne are faced with difficult choices. To save the woman he loves, Warren must not only bend his own values, but forgive her betrayal of his family. Anne, in turn, must take the biggest risk of all; trust Warren with not only with her freedom but her son’s future.
The Talented Mr. Ripley meets Hello Dolly, WHERE THE MEADOWLANDS ARE GREEN is historical romance written with a nod to the late 19thcentury farces and is complete at 85,000 words.
I'll be blunt here and say that the query doesn't give me enough specific details to get attached and connect with Anne or Warren. It conveys the general idea and I understand the plot, but it doesn't make me care about them or how the story turns out because I don't feel it really gets to their personality. That could just be me and because I just watched a movie that's so similar.
Try adding an additional sentence to flesh out this accidental murder and how she happens to take Anne's place. I know in the movie it's a train wreck that lets her switch places with a dead woman. Give us more details from the story, more details of why they fall for each other, and I think you will grab the reader's attention more.
Good luck!
July 7, 2017
Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 1
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
The query without my notes:
Dear awesome agent,
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines..Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar.
The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith.
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall.
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages. I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
And with my notes:
Dear awesome agent, (Technically a query is a business letter so a colon would go here. Picky, I know. Agents probably won't care, but I feel compelled to point it out at least once.)
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines. (Totally subjective, but I would combine this with the word count/genre paragraph. I just think it looks nicer to have fewer paragraphs. I used to include a "per submission guidelines" sentence in my queries, too.).Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar. (I like this, but I'm thinking the second sentence feels too blunt. Maybe do it with description. She also has four paws, razor-sharp claws and a crescent-spotted coat.)
The brutal slaying of her jaguar(then you could get jaguar in here somehow) mate prompts her escape with her cubs(because I thought she was pregnant. Otherwise you might want a sentence near the end of this paragraph to say she gives birth.) from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith. (Tom doesn't appear back in the query so I might cut him and give the space to talking about her cubs. This paragraph feels pretty solid to me.)
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. (I've got a problem with this. Is this told from the viewpoint of Valaria? That's what I assumed. Then this paragraph needs to continue from her POV, not Edward's. Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth is on her tail, determined to track her down and kill her hang her head on his trophy room wall before his illegal collection of predators is discovered.) For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall. (Same here. Actually you can change "kill her" above to hang her head on his trophy room wall and save a whole sentence. Seems like you are setting up Edward's stakes instead of Valaria's. We don't need to know the risks to the bad guy.)
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.(I'd move this up to join with the last paragraph. And cubs? When did that happen?)
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy (Fantasy because it's from the POV of an animal? I'm not too familiar with the genre used that way, but I can't think of anything else that fits better. Maybe thriller? or adventure? I'm not sure about calling it fantasy unless there are some speculative fiction elements. And YA I guess because of the subject matter. I have to wonder why it's not MG. MG would be a better fit for an animal story. Are there any YA human characters? You might want to work that into the query if so.) and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages.(You can cut the prior sentence or leave it. You've already shown you write other things by the story you have published.) I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
So a few suggestions about this one. Get the whole query into Valaria's POV. Clarify when the cubs appear. Try and show why this would be considered YA instead of MG. Then go back through and work in Valaria's personality. Is she protective? Determined? Scared? I assume an animal MC would still need a character arc. How does she change through the story? Make sure you demonstrate that change. That will add a whole new depth to the query.
Good luck and take what you can use.
Now others leave their thoughts so I can pick the next volunteers. I have a batch of six queries to do and then I'll be looking for the most helpful writer to be next.
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
The query without my notes:
Dear awesome agent,
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines..Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar.
The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith.
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall.
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages. I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
And with my notes:
Dear awesome agent, (Technically a query is a business letter so a colon would go here. Picky, I know. Agents probably won't care, but I feel compelled to point it out at least once.)
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines. (Totally subjective, but I would combine this with the word count/genre paragraph. I just think it looks nicer to have fewer paragraphs. I used to include a "per submission guidelines" sentence in my queries, too.).Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar. (I like this, but I'm thinking the second sentence feels too blunt. Maybe do it with description. She also has four paws, razor-sharp claws and a crescent-spotted coat.)
The brutal slaying of her jaguar(then you could get jaguar in here somehow) mate prompts her escape with her cubs(because I thought she was pregnant. Otherwise you might want a sentence near the end of this paragraph to say she gives birth.) from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith. (Tom doesn't appear back in the query so I might cut him and give the space to talking about her cubs. This paragraph feels pretty solid to me.)
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. (I've got a problem with this. Is this told from the viewpoint of Valaria? That's what I assumed. Then this paragraph needs to continue from her POV, not Edward's. Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth is on her tail, determined to track her down and kill her hang her head on his trophy room wall before his illegal collection of predators is discovered.) For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall. (Same here. Actually you can change "kill her" above to hang her head on his trophy room wall and save a whole sentence. Seems like you are setting up Edward's stakes instead of Valaria's. We don't need to know the risks to the bad guy.)
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.(I'd move this up to join with the last paragraph. And cubs? When did that happen?)
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy (Fantasy because it's from the POV of an animal? I'm not too familiar with the genre used that way, but I can't think of anything else that fits better. Maybe thriller? or adventure? I'm not sure about calling it fantasy unless there are some speculative fiction elements. And YA I guess because of the subject matter. I have to wonder why it's not MG. MG would be a better fit for an animal story. Are there any YA human characters? You might want to work that into the query if so.) and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages.(You can cut the prior sentence or leave it. You've already shown you write other things by the story you have published.) I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
So a few suggestions about this one. Get the whole query into Valaria's POV. Clarify when the cubs appear. Try and show why this would be considered YA instead of MG. Then go back through and work in Valaria's personality. Is she protective? Determined? Scared? I assume an animal MC would still need a character arc. How does she change through the story? Make sure you demonstrate that change. That will add a whole new depth to the query.
Good luck and take what you can use.
Now others leave their thoughts so I can pick the next volunteers. I have a batch of six queries to do and then I'll be looking for the most helpful writer to be next.
July 5, 2017
Query Kombat 2017 Wrap Up
It's unofficially over!
The Query Kombat Awards Ceremony usually marks the close of our brutal, month-long tournament. Praising the top performing entries in each age category as well as the Grand Champion is a something we can't do without!
That being said, the ceremony will be delayed for about a week or so due to an unforeseeable (but totally awesome!) circumstance. We're hoping to present our winners with their badges early next week, so hang tight.
I hope my fellow Americans had a grand Independence Day!
