Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 1
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
The query without my notes:
Dear awesome agent,
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines..Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar.
The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith.
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall.
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages. I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
And with my notes:
Dear awesome agent, (Technically a query is a business letter so a colon would go here. Picky, I know. Agents probably won't care, but I feel compelled to point it out at least once.)
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines. (Totally subjective, but I would combine this with the word count/genre paragraph. I just think it looks nicer to have fewer paragraphs. I used to include a "per submission guidelines" sentence in my queries, too.).Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar. (I like this, but I'm thinking the second sentence feels too blunt. Maybe do it with description. She also has four paws, razor-sharp claws and a crescent-spotted coat.)
The brutal slaying of her jaguar(then you could get jaguar in here somehow) mate prompts her escape with her cubs(because I thought she was pregnant. Otherwise you might want a sentence near the end of this paragraph to say she gives birth.) from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith. (Tom doesn't appear back in the query so I might cut him and give the space to talking about her cubs. This paragraph feels pretty solid to me.)
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. (I've got a problem with this. Is this told from the viewpoint of Valaria? That's what I assumed. Then this paragraph needs to continue from her POV, not Edward's. Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth is on her tail, determined to track her down and kill her hang her head on his trophy room wall before his illegal collection of predators is discovered.) For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall. (Same here. Actually you can change "kill her" above to hang her head on his trophy room wall and save a whole sentence. Seems like you are setting up Edward's stakes instead of Valaria's. We don't need to know the risks to the bad guy.)
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.(I'd move this up to join with the last paragraph. And cubs? When did that happen?)
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy (Fantasy because it's from the POV of an animal? I'm not too familiar with the genre used that way, but I can't think of anything else that fits better. Maybe thriller? or adventure? I'm not sure about calling it fantasy unless there are some speculative fiction elements. And YA I guess because of the subject matter. I have to wonder why it's not MG. MG would be a better fit for an animal story. Are there any YA human characters? You might want to work that into the query if so.) and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages.(You can cut the prior sentence or leave it. You've already shown you write other things by the story you have published.) I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
So a few suggestions about this one. Get the whole query into Valaria's POV. Clarify when the cubs appear. Try and show why this would be considered YA instead of MG. Then go back through and work in Valaria's personality. Is she protective? Determined? Scared? I assume an animal MC would still need a character arc. How does she change through the story? Make sure you demonstrate that change. That will add a whole new depth to the query.
Good luck and take what you can use.
Now others leave their thoughts so I can pick the next volunteers. I have a batch of six queries to do and then I'll be looking for the most helpful writer to be next.
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
The query without my notes:
Dear awesome agent,
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines..Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar.
The brutal slaying of her mate prompts her escape from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith.
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall.
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages. I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
And with my notes:
Dear awesome agent, (Technically a query is a business letter so a colon would go here. Picky, I know. Agents probably won't care, but I feel compelled to point it out at least once.)
I would like to offer Jaguar for your consideration. (personalized sentence). I have pasted my query and first x number of pages of the manuscript below, as per your submission guidelines. (Totally subjective, but I would combine this with the word count/genre paragraph. I just think it looks nicer to have fewer paragraphs. I used to include a "per submission guidelines" sentence in my queries, too.).Valaria is young, imprisoned and pregnant. She is also a Jaguar. (I like this, but I'm thinking the second sentence feels too blunt. Maybe do it with description. She also has four paws, razor-sharp claws and a crescent-spotted coat.)
The brutal slaying of her jaguar(then you could get jaguar in here somehow) mate prompts her escape with her cubs(because I thought she was pregnant. Otherwise you might want a sentence near the end of this paragraph to say she gives birth.) from an illegal predator collection on the edge of Exmoor Forest, England. Heavily frequented by humans, the woodland presents an even more dangerous proposition than her natural home in the dark and humid rain forests of South America. But Valaria finds an unexpected, and unlikely, ally in the form of a local shepherd and animal rights defender, Tom Smith. (Tom doesn't appear back in the query so I might cut him and give the space to talking about her cubs. This paragraph feels pretty solid to me.)
Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth, must track Valaria down and kill her, or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars if his illegal collection of predators is discovered. (I've got a problem with this. Is this told from the viewpoint of Valaria? That's what I assumed. Then this paragraph needs to continue from her POV, not Edward's. Her captor and tormentor, Edward Forsyth is on her tail, determined to track her down and kill her hang her head on his trophy room wall before his illegal collection of predators is discovered.) For Edward this is not an option and his greatest desire is to hang her head on his trophy room wall. (Same here. Actually you can change "kill her" above to hang her head on his trophy room wall and save a whole sentence. Seems like you are setting up Edward's stakes instead of Valaria's. We don't need to know the risks to the bad guy.)
Putting herself between the barrel of a gun and her cubs may be Valaria’s only option to ensure their freedom,.(I'd move this up to join with the last paragraph. And cubs? When did that happen?)
Jaguar is a YA contemporary fantasy (Fantasy because it's from the POV of an animal? I'm not too familiar with the genre used that way, but I can't think of anything else that fits better. Maybe thriller? or adventure? I'm not sure about calling it fantasy unless there are some speculative fiction elements. And YA I guess because of the subject matter. I have to wonder why it's not MG. MG would be a better fit for an animal story. Are there any YA human characters? You might want to work that into the query if so.) and is complete at 77,000 words. Readers of William Horwood would enjoy this story of a young female jaguar’s fight for her, and her cubs’, survival in an alien land
I am a British expat living in the Dominican Republic and am a full time writer. My debut novel, ‘Gerald and the amulet of Zonrach’ an upper MG humorous fantasy and the first in a series, was published on May 16th of this year by Immortal Works. I am working on the second in the Gerald series and also a fourth novel about an Anglo Saxon boy set in England during the dark ages.(You can cut the prior sentence or leave it. You've already shown you write other things by the story you have published.) I am looking for representation for this and my future novels.
Thank you for your consideration.
So a few suggestions about this one. Get the whole query into Valaria's POV. Clarify when the cubs appear. Try and show why this would be considered YA instead of MG. Then go back through and work in Valaria's personality. Is she protective? Determined? Scared? I assume an animal MC would still need a character arc. How does she change through the story? Make sure you demonstrate that change. That will add a whole new depth to the query.
Good luck and take what you can use.
Now others leave their thoughts so I can pick the next volunteers. I have a batch of six queries to do and then I'll be looking for the most helpful writer to be next.
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