Michelle Hauck's Blog, page 116
February 10, 2014
Critique Workshop #4: THE LEGACY OF THE EYE
Sorry this is out of order. It's a tad late. :-)
Title: The Legacy of the EyeGenre: Adult Science FictionWord Count: 91,000
Query:
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is an adult science fiction of the softer kind. Think Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic. I promise you no rats, but kisses can be just as persuasive.
David, like all children born on Demia, grew up at the Academy without a concept of marriage and family. As the youngest student admitted to the prestigious Governance Department, he is confident about his future as a leader. Until the day David discovers that Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.
A hereditary government should not exist in a society where merit trumps birthright; it goes against everything David believes in. However, this is just the start of his loyalty struggles. His newfound parents are conspiring to crown him the first king of Demia by wedding him to Catrine.
Worries of joining a hypocritical government and becoming an authoritarian monarch lead him to flee across the galaxy. But nine years cannot diminish his love for the woman he left behind. As Catrine's pleas for his return intensify, David fears she is just the bait in his parents' grand ploy. Could he resist the lure of leadership and return Demia to utopia from her bedroom?
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is complete at 91,000 words. It will appeal to fans of social science fiction like The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord and planetary romances such as Ghost Planet by Sharon Lynn Fisher.
First 250:
A single day can alter the course of someone's life, and today would reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped Max, the instructor chaperoning us, didn't receive undue credit for the new program.
I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside the closet-like space, I covered the keypad by the door with an outstretched hand and faced Max before he could enter.
"We're leaving the school," I said. "Why don't you let me punch the destination code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over my life.
Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black tunic, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn't be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until graduation like all students."
Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?
"We've earned the distinction." I tapped my thumb over the keypad in a syncopated rhythm, preparing for the argument that was sure to follow.
Max's scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."
We probably deserved faculty status too, but I'd let the council tell him that.
Cat pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."
Title: The Legacy of the EyeGenre: Adult Science FictionWord Count: 91,000
Query:
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is an adult science fiction of the softer kind. Think Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic. I promise you no rats, but kisses can be just as persuasive.
David, like all children born on Demia, grew up at the Academy without a concept of marriage and family. As the youngest student admitted to the prestigious Governance Department, he is confident about his future as a leader. Until the day David discovers that Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.
A hereditary government should not exist in a society where merit trumps birthright; it goes against everything David believes in. However, this is just the start of his loyalty struggles. His newfound parents are conspiring to crown him the first king of Demia by wedding him to Catrine.
Worries of joining a hypocritical government and becoming an authoritarian monarch lead him to flee across the galaxy. But nine years cannot diminish his love for the woman he left behind. As Catrine's pleas for his return intensify, David fears she is just the bait in his parents' grand ploy. Could he resist the lure of leadership and return Demia to utopia from her bedroom?
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is complete at 91,000 words. It will appeal to fans of social science fiction like The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord and planetary romances such as Ghost Planet by Sharon Lynn Fisher.
First 250:
A single day can alter the course of someone's life, and today would reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped Max, the instructor chaperoning us, didn't receive undue credit for the new program.
I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside the closet-like space, I covered the keypad by the door with an outstretched hand and faced Max before he could enter.
"We're leaving the school," I said. "Why don't you let me punch the destination code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over my life.
Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black tunic, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn't be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until graduation like all students."
Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?
"We've earned the distinction." I tapped my thumb over the keypad in a syncopated rhythm, preparing for the argument that was sure to follow.
Max's scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."
We probably deserved faculty status too, but I'd let the council tell him that.
Cat pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."
Critique Workshop
Looks like the Critique Workshop will be smaller than anticipated. Let's see if we can still make it helpful. Critiquing queries not only helps the owner of the query, it also builds valuable skills in what makes a query work and what doesn't. The more you help others with their queries, the more you can learn about how to make your own query successful.
Please leave comments for all three of our entrants. And make those comments as helpful as possible.
If you'd like your query added to the group, contact me in the comments or on twitter.
Please leave comments for all three of our entrants. And make those comments as helpful as possible.
If you'd like your query added to the group, contact me in the comments or on twitter.
Critique Workshop #1 EXQUISITE SENSES
Title: EXQUISITE SENSESGenre: YA Speculative/ThrillerWord Count: 86,000 Query: 16-year-old Leila creates random music out of thin air when she’s upset. Her best friend Dane, also 16, hears what other people aren’t saying. It’s all brand new and pretty freaking weird. They’re trying to figure out how and why this is happening to them when Dane’s mother Tara is kidnapped - an attack they barely escape themselves. Now the kidnappers are hunting them, and to understand why (and survive the manhunt), they must uncover the family secrets that tie them – and their talents - to their pursuers. Murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals are just the beginning.Both Leila and Dane narrate their flight from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse to Peru’s ancient ruins, where learn that they have only 48 hours to unravel the kidnappers’ plans or Tara will never come home. But they can’t do anything until they escape from underground Peru – and trigger Leila’s newest and most powerful talent.EXQUISITE SENSES, a YA Speculative/Thriller, is complete at 86,000 words. First 250LEILAThe crowd in the hall finally thinned. I slipped out of the practice room where I’d been hiding and quickly opened my locker, hoping I’d succeeded at avoiding my friends. They were all waiting for me to talk about it.
I just wasn’t ready to discuss my Humiliation (but not Heartbreak) at the Hands of the Hose bag, Antonio. Alliterative agony. I’d been dodging them, and they knew it. The nice thing about best friends is, they let you do that.
I closed my locker door and was trying to find the will to go to class when he slithered up behind me.
Pleasepleaseplease.
I so did not want to do this right now.
“Leila.”
I sighed heavily and turned to face him.
And there it was again – the song. Shocking, loud, filling all the space around and between us. The same song that blasted me when I was crying in the shower this morning. The one about fire and burning and tears.
The temperature in the hall rose about 20 degrees.
Antonio Ruiz gazed up at the PA speakers and then into my locker. The song pulsed with rage. I could feel the tiled floor vibrating under my feet, sending shockwaves of rhythm and keening fury up my spine.
“You’ve got your speakers in here now?” He shouted above the din.
I coughed violently, like I’d been punched, and the song fell abruptly away, leaving behind a sticky, uneasy quiet.
I just wasn’t ready to discuss my Humiliation (but not Heartbreak) at the Hands of the Hose bag, Antonio. Alliterative agony. I’d been dodging them, and they knew it. The nice thing about best friends is, they let you do that.
I closed my locker door and was trying to find the will to go to class when he slithered up behind me.
Pleasepleaseplease.
I so did not want to do this right now.
“Leila.”
I sighed heavily and turned to face him.
And there it was again – the song. Shocking, loud, filling all the space around and between us. The same song that blasted me when I was crying in the shower this morning. The one about fire and burning and tears.
The temperature in the hall rose about 20 degrees.
Antonio Ruiz gazed up at the PA speakers and then into my locker. The song pulsed with rage. I could feel the tiled floor vibrating under my feet, sending shockwaves of rhythm and keening fury up my spine.
“You’ve got your speakers in here now?” He shouted above the din.
I coughed violently, like I’d been punched, and the song fell abruptly away, leaving behind a sticky, uneasy quiet.
Critique Workshop #2: CLANDESTINE CHAOS
Title: CLANDESTINE CHAOSCategory/Genre: NA Science Fiction/FantasyWord count: 77,000
Query:
Pre-med student Kadence Murphy’s sole mission in life: get out of college and into scrubs. Struggling with a hormone-surged roomie, a two-timing almost boyfriend, and financial aid problems, the only thing keeping her from shivving someone is her part-time job in the campus library. She discovers a cryptic book that opens a portal as it entwines the storyline with her reality.
Kadence drops into Captain Jeremiah Colt’s lap, interrupting his latest effort to redeem his floundering business. Now stuck on a dysfunctional transport-ship, Kadence learns she’s in an alternate version of 2013 where Earth collapsed as a result of a global meltdown from Y2K. The survivors took to the skies in an attempt to colonize and sustain human-life on other planets.
Colt itches to dump her aggravating hide on the first planet they come to. Kadence can’t last five minutes in his presence without the driving need to stab him with a spoon. A fierce attraction lies beneath their bickering, making Kadence rethink her quest to get home. But a mutinous crew member has other plans, none of which include Kadence, and he isn’t above murder to get rid of her.
CLANDESTINE CHAOS is a New Adult Space Opera that will appeal to fans of Firefly, Outlander and Somewhere in Time. First 250 words:
Nothing made Kadence hulk-out faster than someone pulling her from a good book. A stack of periodicals dropped on the counter in front of her. The resounding thud echoed through the hollows between the checkered tile floor and vaulted wooden-beam ceiling.
She slammed her book shut, forcing a smile as she bit her tongue and clenched a fist behind the counter. Channeling imaginary powers, she shot lasers at Seth through narrowed eyes that reduced him to his skivvies. If only.
“Kadence, rockin’ the sexy librarian look again.” He leaned on the counter. Sandy-blond hair swept across his face as he inched his way into her personal space.
Holding back the urge to high-five him in the face, she blew out a hard breath. “Seth, why must you irritate me so?”
“One day I’ll break down your walls. You coming to the study session tonight? I hear Campbell’s finals are killer.”
Shelly would be in the dorm humping Felix like a rabbit, and Kadence held no desire to use her roommate as a case study in anatomy. “Yeah, I’ll be there.” She scanned the last of the items and pushed the stack of medical journals towards him.
“Awesome, see you tonight.” He winked, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he walked off.
She reached for her book with grabby hands, but found only a bare counter. “Shit,” she said, louder than intended, as the library occupants frowned in her general direction. She clasped a hand over her lips and took off after him.
Query:
Pre-med student Kadence Murphy’s sole mission in life: get out of college and into scrubs. Struggling with a hormone-surged roomie, a two-timing almost boyfriend, and financial aid problems, the only thing keeping her from shivving someone is her part-time job in the campus library. She discovers a cryptic book that opens a portal as it entwines the storyline with her reality.
Kadence drops into Captain Jeremiah Colt’s lap, interrupting his latest effort to redeem his floundering business. Now stuck on a dysfunctional transport-ship, Kadence learns she’s in an alternate version of 2013 where Earth collapsed as a result of a global meltdown from Y2K. The survivors took to the skies in an attempt to colonize and sustain human-life on other planets.
Colt itches to dump her aggravating hide on the first planet they come to. Kadence can’t last five minutes in his presence without the driving need to stab him with a spoon. A fierce attraction lies beneath their bickering, making Kadence rethink her quest to get home. But a mutinous crew member has other plans, none of which include Kadence, and he isn’t above murder to get rid of her.
CLANDESTINE CHAOS is a New Adult Space Opera that will appeal to fans of Firefly, Outlander and Somewhere in Time. First 250 words:
Nothing made Kadence hulk-out faster than someone pulling her from a good book. A stack of periodicals dropped on the counter in front of her. The resounding thud echoed through the hollows between the checkered tile floor and vaulted wooden-beam ceiling.
She slammed her book shut, forcing a smile as she bit her tongue and clenched a fist behind the counter. Channeling imaginary powers, she shot lasers at Seth through narrowed eyes that reduced him to his skivvies. If only.
“Kadence, rockin’ the sexy librarian look again.” He leaned on the counter. Sandy-blond hair swept across his face as he inched his way into her personal space.
Holding back the urge to high-five him in the face, she blew out a hard breath. “Seth, why must you irritate me so?”
“One day I’ll break down your walls. You coming to the study session tonight? I hear Campbell’s finals are killer.”
Shelly would be in the dorm humping Felix like a rabbit, and Kadence held no desire to use her roommate as a case study in anatomy. “Yeah, I’ll be there.” She scanned the last of the items and pushed the stack of medical journals towards him.
“Awesome, see you tonight.” He winked, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he walked off.
She reached for her book with grabby hands, but found only a bare counter. “Shit,” she said, louder than intended, as the library occupants frowned in her general direction. She clasped a hand over her lips and took off after him.
Critique Workshop #3: AFTER THE MIRROR
Title: AFTER THE MIRRORGenre: MG AdventureWordcount: 38, 300Query:
Dear Michelle and Amy,Life is hard enough when you’re the daughter of ‘The Fairest of Them All’ but for Melody, who’s just been tricked into releasing the Wicked Queen, it’s about to get even harder.After the Mirror is the story of Melody, the lonely and rebellious eleven-year-old daughter of Snow White and Prince Valiant. She's spent her whole life being compared to her 'perfect' mother. And not in a good way. When Melody discovers the magic mirror with Espella, the genii, still trapped inside she thinks that at last she’s found a friend. But Espella is in fact Narcissa, Snow White’s wicked stepmother, confined to the mirror as punishment and, once free, she starts to take revenge.Facing many challenges, Melody and Snow White cross the Forbidden Forest together becoming closer as Melody begins to understand some of what her mother has been through because of Narcissa. With the help of the dwarfs they return to the castle to rescue Valiant and, after battling Narcissa and her supernatural creatures, Melody finally manages to defeat Narcissa and to give herself and Snow White a long-overdue happy ever after.After the Mirror will appeal to children who like reading exciting adventure stories with fun, feisty and interesting heroines. And, as the novel continues a well-known fairy story, it has some familiar, favourite characters in it for instance the dwarfs who add a lighter, comic element to the story, and the wonderfully scary and very wicked stepmother, Narcissa.
First 250 words:
“Snow White sucks!”
As soon as the words left her mouth Melody wished she could take them back. Snatch them out of the air before they were heard, but it was too late, and all she could do was watch in horror as Snow White flinched, the hurt clearly visible in her deep, brown eyes.
“Mum, I…”
“How dare you say that to your mother!” The King was striding towards them, his voice ringing out in the sudden, embarrassed silence that had descended upon the crowded ballroom. He stopped in front of Melody, his usually gentle, blue eyes now icy cold as he stared, unsmiling, down at her. “Go to your room!”
“But, Dad…”
“NOW!”
Melody turned and fled, trying to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. She didn’t care about the room full of party guests left standing, staring at her, their mouths open in shock at the scene they’d just witnessed, or even about the red-faced rage of her father. No, it was only her mother’s face she could see. Her mother, Snow White’s, stricken face looking even paler than usual against her long black hair - so sad, so hurt, and all because of her.
She ran up the grand staircase to the family’s private wing but passed by the door to her own bedroom, carrying on instead to the very end of the hallway where she ducked under the ornate tapestry hanging on the wall and climbed the narrow, spiral staircase hidden behind.
Dear Michelle and Amy,Life is hard enough when you’re the daughter of ‘The Fairest of Them All’ but for Melody, who’s just been tricked into releasing the Wicked Queen, it’s about to get even harder.After the Mirror is the story of Melody, the lonely and rebellious eleven-year-old daughter of Snow White and Prince Valiant. She's spent her whole life being compared to her 'perfect' mother. And not in a good way. When Melody discovers the magic mirror with Espella, the genii, still trapped inside she thinks that at last she’s found a friend. But Espella is in fact Narcissa, Snow White’s wicked stepmother, confined to the mirror as punishment and, once free, she starts to take revenge.Facing many challenges, Melody and Snow White cross the Forbidden Forest together becoming closer as Melody begins to understand some of what her mother has been through because of Narcissa. With the help of the dwarfs they return to the castle to rescue Valiant and, after battling Narcissa and her supernatural creatures, Melody finally manages to defeat Narcissa and to give herself and Snow White a long-overdue happy ever after.After the Mirror will appeal to children who like reading exciting adventure stories with fun, feisty and interesting heroines. And, as the novel continues a well-known fairy story, it has some familiar, favourite characters in it for instance the dwarfs who add a lighter, comic element to the story, and the wonderfully scary and very wicked stepmother, Narcissa.
First 250 words:
“Snow White sucks!”
As soon as the words left her mouth Melody wished she could take them back. Snatch them out of the air before they were heard, but it was too late, and all she could do was watch in horror as Snow White flinched, the hurt clearly visible in her deep, brown eyes.
“Mum, I…”
“How dare you say that to your mother!” The King was striding towards them, his voice ringing out in the sudden, embarrassed silence that had descended upon the crowded ballroom. He stopped in front of Melody, his usually gentle, blue eyes now icy cold as he stared, unsmiling, down at her. “Go to your room!”
“But, Dad…”
“NOW!”
Melody turned and fled, trying to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. She didn’t care about the room full of party guests left standing, staring at her, their mouths open in shock at the scene they’d just witnessed, or even about the red-faced rage of her father. No, it was only her mother’s face she could see. Her mother, Snow White’s, stricken face looking even paler than usual against her long black hair - so sad, so hurt, and all because of her.
She ran up the grand staircase to the family’s private wing but passed by the door to her own bedroom, carrying on instead to the very end of the hallway where she ducked under the ornate tapestry hanging on the wall and climbed the narrow, spiral staircase hidden behind.
February 7, 2014
SVS Alternate 2: I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STAR, Women's Fiction
I'm very happy to have the opportunity to announce my two alternates. I spent many moments frozen in front of the computer debating on my last three choices and wishing I had a few more spots. Any love you can show to these two entries will be greatly appreciated.
And to help with that I'm providing a CRITIQUE WORKSHOP. Through the month of February, I will run a workshop for those who entered Sun versus Snow and provide feedback to the two alternates by leaving a comment on both of them. Please notice I'm not saying I will post everyone who comments, just as many as I can. Twenty or thirty I can handle, one hundred not so much.
Whether this works will depend totally on you. Obviously the more people who return to leave feedback, the more successful and helpful the workshop will become. You have to give to get, in other words. Please don't drop out after your entry is posted. Stick with the workshop until the end in consideration of those who commented on your entry. If the comments drop off to slim and none, I will end the workshop.
To sum up: Comment on both alternates. Leave your entry's TITLE and AGE CATEGORY (so I can find it) at the end of your comments. Come back and leave feedback for others once the workshop starts. Stick around to the end.
Alternate 2:
Title: I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STARGenre: Women's fictionWord Count: 74,000My Main Character is most uncomfortable with:
Jen lives in Seattle, where more days are cloudy than not. You’d think that would make Jen more uncomfortable in sunny weather. However, when the sun peeks through the clouds, Jen loves the warm rays on her face as she walks around the city. When she spends the summer in Los Angeles, she is delighted to bask in the sun for hours each day. An avid pedestrian, Jen is more uncomfortable in slippery snow that clings to her pant legs and makes the sidewalks treacherous. Plus, it’s like fluffy water, and that’s just bizarre. Query:
Dear Fellow worshipper of Helios:
When 23-year-old Jennifer Read responded to an ad seeking adventurous, intelligent 20-somethings for a competition-based reality show, she never dreamed that her whim would lead to love.
Life after college just isn’t as advertised: Jen’s low-paying job is uninspiring, her boyfriend won’t commit, and the future looks unexciting. One day, Jen finds an ad seeking smart young adults for a new reality show. Thinking that the audition process might be an interesting experience, she submits an application. However, her boyfriend's negative reaction to her leaving for the summer makes Jen wonder if she made a mistake.
When she discovers that her boyfriend is secretly married, Jen packs a bag and heads to Los Angeles. She moves into a glass house with 11 strangers to compete for a $250,000 prize. For several weeks, she performs in physical and mental challenges, makes new friends - and vies for the attention of Justin, the handsome contestant who has also caught the eye of another woman. As the show progresses, Jen fights to win the viewers' loyalty so she can stay on the show. Can she win the ultimate prize without losing herself in the process?
Thank you for your time and consideration.
First 250 words:
"I’ve got something to do tonight, but you can come over if you want to hang.”
I read the text from my boyfriend aloud. “How romantic,” I muttered.
But, still, I hadn’t seen him recently…
I heard a voice in the back of my head. “You shouldn’t let yourself be at his beck and call.”
Oh, wait. That was Ashley. For a second, I’d forgotten that she was on my Bluetooth.
“I’m not!” I insisted. “I was the one who suggested getting together at the last minute.”
“You texted him for a booty call?”
“It’s not a booty call! I asked if he wanted to grab dinner because I had to run some errands after work. But I got hungry, so I ate.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “I guess that’s different.”
“Besides, he’s got that computer conference next week. We may not get another chance to see each other before he leaves. A woman has needs!”
I almost heard Ashley rolling her eyes. “Have fun, tonight, Jen. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Thanks. You, too.”
It didn’t take long to pack an overnight bag. A short walk and three Metro stops later, I knocked on the door of Dominic’s duplex. As always, the pink welcome mat tickled me. Dom inherited the house from his aunt with the decor, and he hadn’t changed a thing.
I strained to hear if he was coming, but couldn’t make out anything over the rain and the wind.
And to help with that I'm providing a CRITIQUE WORKSHOP. Through the month of February, I will run a workshop for those who entered Sun versus Snow and provide feedback to the two alternates by leaving a comment on both of them. Please notice I'm not saying I will post everyone who comments, just as many as I can. Twenty or thirty I can handle, one hundred not so much.
Whether this works will depend totally on you. Obviously the more people who return to leave feedback, the more successful and helpful the workshop will become. You have to give to get, in other words. Please don't drop out after your entry is posted. Stick with the workshop until the end in consideration of those who commented on your entry. If the comments drop off to slim and none, I will end the workshop.
To sum up: Comment on both alternates. Leave your entry's TITLE and AGE CATEGORY (so I can find it) at the end of your comments. Come back and leave feedback for others once the workshop starts. Stick around to the end.
Alternate 2:
Title: I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STARGenre: Women's fictionWord Count: 74,000My Main Character is most uncomfortable with:
Jen lives in Seattle, where more days are cloudy than not. You’d think that would make Jen more uncomfortable in sunny weather. However, when the sun peeks through the clouds, Jen loves the warm rays on her face as she walks around the city. When she spends the summer in Los Angeles, she is delighted to bask in the sun for hours each day. An avid pedestrian, Jen is more uncomfortable in slippery snow that clings to her pant legs and makes the sidewalks treacherous. Plus, it’s like fluffy water, and that’s just bizarre. Query:
Dear Fellow worshipper of Helios:
When 23-year-old Jennifer Read responded to an ad seeking adventurous, intelligent 20-somethings for a competition-based reality show, she never dreamed that her whim would lead to love.
Life after college just isn’t as advertised: Jen’s low-paying job is uninspiring, her boyfriend won’t commit, and the future looks unexciting. One day, Jen finds an ad seeking smart young adults for a new reality show. Thinking that the audition process might be an interesting experience, she submits an application. However, her boyfriend's negative reaction to her leaving for the summer makes Jen wonder if she made a mistake.
When she discovers that her boyfriend is secretly married, Jen packs a bag and heads to Los Angeles. She moves into a glass house with 11 strangers to compete for a $250,000 prize. For several weeks, she performs in physical and mental challenges, makes new friends - and vies for the attention of Justin, the handsome contestant who has also caught the eye of another woman. As the show progresses, Jen fights to win the viewers' loyalty so she can stay on the show. Can she win the ultimate prize without losing herself in the process?
Thank you for your time and consideration.
First 250 words:
"I’ve got something to do tonight, but you can come over if you want to hang.”
I read the text from my boyfriend aloud. “How romantic,” I muttered.
But, still, I hadn’t seen him recently…
I heard a voice in the back of my head. “You shouldn’t let yourself be at his beck and call.”
Oh, wait. That was Ashley. For a second, I’d forgotten that she was on my Bluetooth.
“I’m not!” I insisted. “I was the one who suggested getting together at the last minute.”
“You texted him for a booty call?”
“It’s not a booty call! I asked if he wanted to grab dinner because I had to run some errands after work. But I got hungry, so I ate.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “I guess that’s different.”
“Besides, he’s got that computer conference next week. We may not get another chance to see each other before he leaves. A woman has needs!”
I almost heard Ashley rolling her eyes. “Have fun, tonight, Jen. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Thanks. You, too.”
It didn’t take long to pack an overnight bag. A short walk and three Metro stops later, I knocked on the door of Dominic’s duplex. As always, the pink welcome mat tickled me. Dom inherited the house from his aunt with the decor, and he hadn’t changed a thing.
I strained to hear if he was coming, but couldn’t make out anything over the rain and the wind.
SVS Alternate 1: REMEMBER, Adult Historical Fiction
I'm very happy to have the opportunity to announce my two alternates. I spent many moments frozen in front of the computer debating on my last three choices and wishing I had a few more spots. Any love you can show to these two entries will be greatly appreciated.
And to help with that I'm providing a CRITIQUE WORKSHOP. Through the month of February, I will run a workshop for those who entered Sun versus Snow and provide feedback to the two alternates by leaving a comment on both of them. Please notice I'm not saying I will post everyone who comments, just as many as I can. Twenty or thirty I can handle, one hundred not so much.
Whether this works will depend totally on you. Obviously the more people who return to leave feedback, the more successful and helpful the workshop will become. You have to give to get, in other words. Please don't drop out after your entry is posted. Stick with the workshop until the end in consideration of those who commented on your entry. If the comments drop off to slim and none, I will end the workshop.
To sum up: Comment on both alternates. Leave your entry's TITLE and AGE CATEGORY (so I can find it) at the end of your comments. Come back and leave feedback for others once the workshop starts. Stick around to the end.
Alternate 1:
Title: REMEMBER
Genre: Adult Fiction/Historical FictionWord Count: 75,000
My Main Character is most uncomfortable with: Katya: The snow was the nail in the coffin of our starving village. I’ve watched it cover more dead bodies than I care to remember. It wasn’t until the warm sun came out and melted the blanket of ignorant bliss that we realized the full devastation. The sun revealed pain and loss, but with it comes the new life of spring and summer, and a new chance of survival. And, through my great granddaughter Summer, I may finally have a chance at rectifying the wrongs of my past. *The name Summer is completely coincidental, yet quite appropriate for this contest.
Query: When she was only fifteen, nearly everyone Katya loved perished during Stalin’s brutal efforts to decimate her people in order to recreate a new Communist Ukraine. It was a terrifying time full of suffering and betrayal. Mothers helplessly watched their children starve, whole families were deported to Siberia, and whispers of cannibalism were more than just rumors. Katya’s survival is a testament to her strength, but now, in the twilight of her life, the survivor’s guilt she has silently born for decades has come back to haunt her.
Summer never anticipated moving in with her aging great-grandmother right after graduating college, but when Katya’s health begins to fail, caretaking duties fall to the unemployed and unattached Summer. Their renewed relationship compels the old woman to do something she swore she’d never do: rip open the scars of her youth and tell her deepest secrets. Hearing this confession awakens something profound in Summer that neither women fully understand, but may be Katya’s only chance at the forgiveness she has spent a lifetime yearning for.
First 250 Words: Ukraine, January 1930Our descent into complete desolation was designed to be a gradual one. Little by little, the Party picked away at us until we had almost nothing and no idea of how we ended up that way. It was not that we willingly let them take all of our food or deport our friends and family to Siberia. But in a way, we did. We said nothing. Our silence was our acquiescence. Our fear was our motivation. If we spoke up, if we resisted, our fate would be sealed as well as if we had pulled the trigger ourselves. It was not an easy choice, but self-preservation almost always prevails.
It took me some time to comprehend that truth. When the Party first really hurt my family, I was young and naïve enough to believe I could do something to stop the Communist machine. My mother had sent my sister and me to bring a basket full of soup and bread to my sick aunt. The path between our homes was one we had walked so many times before. This time, we never reached our destination.
When the first shot rang out, the basket slipped from my fingers and spilled to the ground, forgotten as I raced towards my aunt’s house. My older sister yelled out my name behind me, but it was barely a whisper in my ear. All I could hear was my cousin Sasha screaming.
And to help with that I'm providing a CRITIQUE WORKSHOP. Through the month of February, I will run a workshop for those who entered Sun versus Snow and provide feedback to the two alternates by leaving a comment on both of them. Please notice I'm not saying I will post everyone who comments, just as many as I can. Twenty or thirty I can handle, one hundred not so much.
Whether this works will depend totally on you. Obviously the more people who return to leave feedback, the more successful and helpful the workshop will become. You have to give to get, in other words. Please don't drop out after your entry is posted. Stick with the workshop until the end in consideration of those who commented on your entry. If the comments drop off to slim and none, I will end the workshop.
To sum up: Comment on both alternates. Leave your entry's TITLE and AGE CATEGORY (so I can find it) at the end of your comments. Come back and leave feedback for others once the workshop starts. Stick around to the end.
Alternate 1:
Title: REMEMBER
Genre: Adult Fiction/Historical FictionWord Count: 75,000
My Main Character is most uncomfortable with: Katya: The snow was the nail in the coffin of our starving village. I’ve watched it cover more dead bodies than I care to remember. It wasn’t until the warm sun came out and melted the blanket of ignorant bliss that we realized the full devastation. The sun revealed pain and loss, but with it comes the new life of spring and summer, and a new chance of survival. And, through my great granddaughter Summer, I may finally have a chance at rectifying the wrongs of my past. *The name Summer is completely coincidental, yet quite appropriate for this contest.
Query: When she was only fifteen, nearly everyone Katya loved perished during Stalin’s brutal efforts to decimate her people in order to recreate a new Communist Ukraine. It was a terrifying time full of suffering and betrayal. Mothers helplessly watched their children starve, whole families were deported to Siberia, and whispers of cannibalism were more than just rumors. Katya’s survival is a testament to her strength, but now, in the twilight of her life, the survivor’s guilt she has silently born for decades has come back to haunt her.
Summer never anticipated moving in with her aging great-grandmother right after graduating college, but when Katya’s health begins to fail, caretaking duties fall to the unemployed and unattached Summer. Their renewed relationship compels the old woman to do something she swore she’d never do: rip open the scars of her youth and tell her deepest secrets. Hearing this confession awakens something profound in Summer that neither women fully understand, but may be Katya’s only chance at the forgiveness she has spent a lifetime yearning for.
First 250 Words: Ukraine, January 1930Our descent into complete desolation was designed to be a gradual one. Little by little, the Party picked away at us until we had almost nothing and no idea of how we ended up that way. It was not that we willingly let them take all of our food or deport our friends and family to Siberia. But in a way, we did. We said nothing. Our silence was our acquiescence. Our fear was our motivation. If we spoke up, if we resisted, our fate would be sealed as well as if we had pulled the trigger ourselves. It was not an easy choice, but self-preservation almost always prevails.
It took me some time to comprehend that truth. When the Party first really hurt my family, I was young and naïve enough to believe I could do something to stop the Communist machine. My mother had sent my sister and me to bring a basket full of soup and bread to my sick aunt. The path between our homes was one we had walked so many times before. This time, we never reached our destination.
When the first shot rang out, the basket slipped from my fingers and spilled to the ground, forgotten as I raced towards my aunt’s house. My older sister yelled out my name behind me, but it was barely a whisper in my ear. All I could hear was my cousin Sasha screaming.
February 6, 2014
Query Questions with Kathleen Rushall
Writers have copious amounts of imagination. It's what makes their stories so fantastic. But there's a darker side to so much out of the box thinking. When a writer is in the query trenches, their worries go into overdrive. They start pulling out their hair and imagine every possible disaster.
Here to relieve some of that endless worrying is a new series of posts called Query Questions. I'll ask the questions which prey on every writer's mind, and hopefully take some of the pain out of querying. These are questions that I've seen tossed around on twitter and writing sites like Agent Query Connect. They are the type of questions that you need answers for the real expert--agents!
If you have your own specific query question, please leave it in the comments and it might show up in future editions of Query Questions as I plan to rotate the questions.
A big thanks to Kathleen Rushall of Marsal Lyon Literary Agency for her interview. Not only is Kathleen a super agent extraordinaire, but she got a book deal for my CP Angie! (Angie Sandro's book DARK PARADISE comes out this July!)
Does one typo or misplaced comma shoot down the entire query? No, I know we’re all human. But you do want to be sure that your query is as polished as possible. While I won’t hold one typo against you, multiple typos are a problem.
Do you look at sample pages without fail or only if the query is strong? Only if the query interests me enough to look further. That being said, if I can see promise in the concept of the story and the writing, I’ll still take a look at the sample pages (even if the query itself isn’t the strongest).
Do you have an assistant or intern go through your queries first or do you check all of them? Right now I process each query myself.
If the manuscript has a prologue, do you want it included with the sample pages? Yes please. The sample should be the opening pages (whatever # of pages the agent specifies) and should start at the very beginning.
Some agencies mention querying only one agent at a time and some say query only one agent period. How often do you pass a query along to a fellow agent who might be more interested? We work closely at Marsal Lyon. We do pass queries to each other if we think it might be a good fit.
Do you prefer a little personalized chit-chat in a query letter, or would you rather hear about the manuscript? I think it’s nice to see a friendly personalized sentence or two. The rest of the query should focus on the manuscript and any relevant background you want to mention. Remember the three things to include in any query: the hook, the book, and the cook.
Most agents have said they don’t care whether the word count/genre sentence comes first or last. But is it a red flag if one component is not included? Yes, please include the word count and genre in your query. It’s up to you if you want to put it in the beginning or closing of the letter. For picture books, I like to see the word count up front. For MG and YA, it seems to flow best in the closing. Some writers have asked about including links to their blogs or manuscript-related artwork. I’m sure it’s not appropriate to add those links in a query, but are links in an email signature offensive? Actually, I think it’s a great idea to include any relevant links in your pitch letter (below your signature is best). When I’m interested in a query I want to do my research on the author and check out his or her blog and any online presence.
If a writer makes changes to their manuscript due to feedback should they resend the query or only if material was requested? The general rule of thumb is that you only want to resend to an agent if they have requested to see it again.
Do you consider yourself a hands-on, editorial type of agent? Definitely. What three things are at the top of your submission wish list? I’d love to find a unique, strong-voiced, realistic YA romance
Kathleen’s Bio:
Kathleen Rushall is an agent at Marsal Lyon Literary Agency. Kathleen is looking for fresh voices in all areas of young adult literature including contemporary romance, suspense, Southern gothic tales, historical fiction, and horror. She’s also open to new adult queries. Kathleen is looking for funny, character-driven, quirky picture books and all genres of big voiced middle grade fiction.
Kathleen also represents select nonfiction and is interested in parenting, cooking, crafts, business, alternative medicine, women’s interest, humor, pop-culture, and some how-to.
A few of Kathleen’s recent and soon to be published books include A RUSTIC CHIC WEDDING: A Collection of DIY Wedding Crafts and Inspirations by Morgann Hill (Running Press), BACKHOE JOE by Lori Alexander (Harper Collins), CUT ME FREE by J.R. Johansson (Farrar, Straus & Giroux), THE WICKED WE HAVE DONE by Sarah Harian (Intermix, Penguin), IT’S RAINING BATS AND FROGS by Rebecca Colby (Feiwel & Friends), and THE ONE THING by Marci Curtis (Hyperion).
Kathleen graduated from Seattle University with her bachelor’s degree in English and minor in fine arts. She moved back to her hometown of San Diego to earn her master’s degree in English, specializing in children’s literature, from San Diego State University.
Here to relieve some of that endless worrying is a new series of posts called Query Questions. I'll ask the questions which prey on every writer's mind, and hopefully take some of the pain out of querying. These are questions that I've seen tossed around on twitter and writing sites like Agent Query Connect. They are the type of questions that you need answers for the real expert--agents!
If you have your own specific query question, please leave it in the comments and it might show up in future editions of Query Questions as I plan to rotate the questions.
A big thanks to Kathleen Rushall of Marsal Lyon Literary Agency for her interview. Not only is Kathleen a super agent extraordinaire, but she got a book deal for my CP Angie! (Angie Sandro's book DARK PARADISE comes out this July!)
Does one typo or misplaced comma shoot down the entire query? No, I know we’re all human. But you do want to be sure that your query is as polished as possible. While I won’t hold one typo against you, multiple typos are a problem.
Do you look at sample pages without fail or only if the query is strong? Only if the query interests me enough to look further. That being said, if I can see promise in the concept of the story and the writing, I’ll still take a look at the sample pages (even if the query itself isn’t the strongest).
Do you have an assistant or intern go through your queries first or do you check all of them? Right now I process each query myself.
If the manuscript has a prologue, do you want it included with the sample pages? Yes please. The sample should be the opening pages (whatever # of pages the agent specifies) and should start at the very beginning.
Some agencies mention querying only one agent at a time and some say query only one agent period. How often do you pass a query along to a fellow agent who might be more interested? We work closely at Marsal Lyon. We do pass queries to each other if we think it might be a good fit.
Do you prefer a little personalized chit-chat in a query letter, or would you rather hear about the manuscript? I think it’s nice to see a friendly personalized sentence or two. The rest of the query should focus on the manuscript and any relevant background you want to mention. Remember the three things to include in any query: the hook, the book, and the cook.
Most agents have said they don’t care whether the word count/genre sentence comes first or last. But is it a red flag if one component is not included? Yes, please include the word count and genre in your query. It’s up to you if you want to put it in the beginning or closing of the letter. For picture books, I like to see the word count up front. For MG and YA, it seems to flow best in the closing. Some writers have asked about including links to their blogs or manuscript-related artwork. I’m sure it’s not appropriate to add those links in a query, but are links in an email signature offensive? Actually, I think it’s a great idea to include any relevant links in your pitch letter (below your signature is best). When I’m interested in a query I want to do my research on the author and check out his or her blog and any online presence.
If a writer makes changes to their manuscript due to feedback should they resend the query or only if material was requested? The general rule of thumb is that you only want to resend to an agent if they have requested to see it again.
Do you consider yourself a hands-on, editorial type of agent? Definitely. What three things are at the top of your submission wish list? I’d love to find a unique, strong-voiced, realistic YA romance
Kathleen’s Bio:
Kathleen Rushall is an agent at Marsal Lyon Literary Agency. Kathleen is looking for fresh voices in all areas of young adult literature including contemporary romance, suspense, Southern gothic tales, historical fiction, and horror. She’s also open to new adult queries. Kathleen is looking for funny, character-driven, quirky picture books and all genres of big voiced middle grade fiction.
Kathleen also represents select nonfiction and is interested in parenting, cooking, crafts, business, alternative medicine, women’s interest, humor, pop-culture, and some how-to.
A few of Kathleen’s recent and soon to be published books include A RUSTIC CHIC WEDDING: A Collection of DIY Wedding Crafts and Inspirations by Morgann Hill (Running Press), BACKHOE JOE by Lori Alexander (Harper Collins), CUT ME FREE by J.R. Johansson (Farrar, Straus & Giroux), THE WICKED WE HAVE DONE by Sarah Harian (Intermix, Penguin), IT’S RAINING BATS AND FROGS by Rebecca Colby (Feiwel & Friends), and THE ONE THING by Marci Curtis (Hyperion).
Kathleen graduated from Seattle University with her bachelor’s degree in English and minor in fine arts. She moved back to her hometown of San Diego to earn her master’s degree in English, specializing in children’s literature, from San Diego State University.
February 5, 2014
Review of Stiltskin
What would you do if you found an evil dwarf in your bathtub?
In Robert Darkly’s case you scream like a girl… and then you get taken on a journey to an entirely different world living just on the other side of our own reality; a world where fairy tales are real but not in the way we’ve come to expect them.
The aforementioned dwarf, Rumpelstiltskin, has escaped the Tower prison of Thiside determined to finish the sinister plot he started so many years ago.
Robert Darkly, oblivious that he is the son of the Mad Hatter, must partner with the mysterious ‘Agency’ to pursue Rumpelstiltskin across our world and the world of Thiside and uncover the treacherous secret that threatens to throw both realities into eternal chaos.
If you've followed my contest picks at all, you know I like the odd, especially when it's joined by funny. Judging by the cover art and book blurb I expected Stiltskin from Curiosity Quills to be quirky, but I didn't expect to enjoy the humor and tight plot of this fairy tale retelling quite so much.
The characters were entertaining. The humor was nonstop. The plot pace was fast. And if you like quirky plot twists and turns, you've found your story.
The ending seemed to be wrapping up in a neat package then--blam--another crazy twist!
Feisty gnomes and dead witches, insane prisoners and magic, doors to other worlds, this one has it all. I'm eagerly waiting for the sequel.
February 1, 2014
SVS AGENT Round Entry 9: RUNNING WITH NEEDLES, NA Contemporary
Title: RUNNING WITH NEEDLESGenre: NA ContemporaryWord Count: 75,000
My Main Character is most uncomfortable with:
I used to love the snow, but that changed during my first operating room clinical. I watched an elderly woman have hip surgery after she broke it falling on the ice. It wasn’t too bad to watch until the surgeon pulled out a hammer. Yes, an actual hammer. That’s when I almost fainted. Now I’m a fan of sunshine and dry sidewalks. Oh, and Luke wears sweatshirts when it’s cold. I’m against anything that makes him cover up that gorgeous body.
Query:
Dear Agents,
Nursing school is going exactly as Morgan always planned. Well, except for that time when she heard a heartbeat on a dead body. There was also that humiliating incident when she accidentally put a patient’s suppository...well, let’s just say it went where it wasn’t supposed to go. And then, there was that awkward moment when, after two years of flirting, she was finally about to make out with Luke, her cute classmate, but realized there was vomit in her hair.
Despite these hiccups, Morgan’s dream of saving lives is becoming a reality. But with reality comes the cold, hard truth—which can be a difficult pill to swallow. When she learns that her favorite patient has only six months to live, Morgan is faced with the realization that she can’t care for people without becoming emotionally invested. Morgan must find a way to maintain her own sanity, snag that cute classmate, and somehow pass her licensing exam—all while trying not to accidentally kill anyone.
First 250 words:
I placed my stethoscope on my eighty-eight year old patient’s chest. “Big breaths.”
“You should have seen them when I was younger.” She winked and flashed me a toothless grin.
“What?” My cheeks flushed. “Oh, no. I meant please take a deep BREATH.”
“Why don’t you take me to the bathroom instead?”
I eased her to the side of the bed and made sure her feet hit the ground, socks grippy-side down. With one arm around her, we shuffled, two inches at a time, across the faded linoleum tiles. Standing together next to the toilet, she glared at me. “Aren’t you going to give an old woman her privacy?”
“Oh, sorry. I don’t want you to fall.”
“Well, I don’t want you to watch. Skedaddle.”
“I’ll be right outside the door.”
The door slammed on my butt on the way out. Whirling, I twisted the doorknob. It wouldn’t budge. This can’t be good.
“Louise? Are you OK? Can you open the door?”
Silence.
“Oh, shit.” I had to fix this before my instructor found out.
I knocked on the door. Pounded on the door. Yelled “Louise!” Nothing.
I dropped to the floor and pressed my face against the cold, germ-infested tile, trying to catch a glimpse of Louise while hoping to avoid a bad case of diphtheria. Her gown was on the floor, blocking my view. Had she fallen? What had I done?
I used to consider myself a smart person. Then I became a student nurse.
My Main Character is most uncomfortable with:
I used to love the snow, but that changed during my first operating room clinical. I watched an elderly woman have hip surgery after she broke it falling on the ice. It wasn’t too bad to watch until the surgeon pulled out a hammer. Yes, an actual hammer. That’s when I almost fainted. Now I’m a fan of sunshine and dry sidewalks. Oh, and Luke wears sweatshirts when it’s cold. I’m against anything that makes him cover up that gorgeous body.
Query:
Dear Agents,
Nursing school is going exactly as Morgan always planned. Well, except for that time when she heard a heartbeat on a dead body. There was also that humiliating incident when she accidentally put a patient’s suppository...well, let’s just say it went where it wasn’t supposed to go. And then, there was that awkward moment when, after two years of flirting, she was finally about to make out with Luke, her cute classmate, but realized there was vomit in her hair.
Despite these hiccups, Morgan’s dream of saving lives is becoming a reality. But with reality comes the cold, hard truth—which can be a difficult pill to swallow. When she learns that her favorite patient has only six months to live, Morgan is faced with the realization that she can’t care for people without becoming emotionally invested. Morgan must find a way to maintain her own sanity, snag that cute classmate, and somehow pass her licensing exam—all while trying not to accidentally kill anyone.
First 250 words:
I placed my stethoscope on my eighty-eight year old patient’s chest. “Big breaths.”
“You should have seen them when I was younger.” She winked and flashed me a toothless grin.
“What?” My cheeks flushed. “Oh, no. I meant please take a deep BREATH.”
“Why don’t you take me to the bathroom instead?”
I eased her to the side of the bed and made sure her feet hit the ground, socks grippy-side down. With one arm around her, we shuffled, two inches at a time, across the faded linoleum tiles. Standing together next to the toilet, she glared at me. “Aren’t you going to give an old woman her privacy?”
“Oh, sorry. I don’t want you to fall.”
“Well, I don’t want you to watch. Skedaddle.”
“I’ll be right outside the door.”
The door slammed on my butt on the way out. Whirling, I twisted the doorknob. It wouldn’t budge. This can’t be good.
“Louise? Are you OK? Can you open the door?”
Silence.
“Oh, shit.” I had to fix this before my instructor found out.
I knocked on the door. Pounded on the door. Yelled “Louise!” Nothing.
I dropped to the floor and pressed my face against the cold, germ-infested tile, trying to catch a glimpse of Louise while hoping to avoid a bad case of diphtheria. Her gown was on the floor, blocking my view. Had she fallen? What had I done?
I used to consider myself a smart person. Then I became a student nurse.
