David Harding's Blog, page 2
January 17, 2013
I am a stooge
A little while ago, Maddie Cochere was announced as a Pizzaboxdrawcember 2012 winner! Her prize was to force me to blog something. She chose to force me to do an impression of all three stooges at once. Without further ado, here is the result!!!
I’ve loved the stooges since I was a wee little boy. I hope they aren’t spinning in their graves. Actually I hope they are – that would prove magic is real.
Addendum:
I think I have to apologise for my attire. Actually, no I don’t – it was 45C degrees here today, people!
Addendum 2:
As 90% of my readers are in the US I will translate 45C for you: 113F.
But I won’t apologise for spelling apologise with an S. I have to have something!
January 15, 2013
Faraday part 3: The saga ends.
Yesterday’s winning options: A, C & D (three-way tie)
‘This is it,’ Faraday told himself, ‘I’ve had enough.’
Living in Rio de Janeiro had its advantages. Faraday didn’t know what they were until now. Now he knew. It was all clear. He knew what he was going to do. He knew where to go and what to do. Look, he knew a lot OK?!?!
Faraday climbed to the top of that really big, gigantic Jesus statue that they have in Rio (I saw it in a movie.) He stood on Jesus’s's’es head and looked down the mountainside below him.
And then he jumped off.
He plummeted down, down, down the mountain as he screamed, ‘Goodbye, cruel world!’
He fell, head first towards a bridge that spanned Rio harbour. As he fell near it, one of his feet hooked onto a beam of the bridge. His body swung around and then he fell downwards again, landing In the harbour with a kersploosh!
he didn’t die. He climbed out of the water. On the bank of the harbour was a man.
‘Hello,’ said the man. ‘I am Clarence Oddbody. I am your guardian angel.’
Faraday was stunned. He searched his pants pocket.
‘They’re not there,’ laughed Clarence.
‘What?’
‘Zuzu’s petals!’
Faraday realised Clarence was right. ‘What’s going on here?’ he asked.
‘You’ve been given a great gift – the chance to see what it would be like if you had never been born. Now, go get ‘em tiger and take life by the horns! GRRRR!’
And with that, Clarence clicked his fingers and the world returned to normal. Zuzu’s petals even appeared in Faraday’s pants.
Faraday walked home to his mansion where he lived comfortably with his family (all of whom loved board games), the words of his angelic counsellor still ringing in his ears.
And may those words hold true for all of us, dear listeners, ‘Go get ‘em tiger and take life by the horns! GRRRR!’
January 14, 2013
Faraday part 2: The saga continues
Faraday rolled his collection of dice. His silverback was hungry, yet he only rolled enough bananas to feed half his gorilla swarm. Some gorillas would have to go back in the nest.
‘Hmm,’ thought Faraday, ‘I wonder if swarm is even the correct collective noun for a group of gorillas.’ He would look it up tomorrow, right now was Gorilla Dice time.
Faraday moved seats and collected his other swarm of dice and rolled. It was hard playing a five player game solo, but there was nothing else to do. He was bored, and with no one else to turn to, he was lonely.
The clock ticked on the wall behind him. The dense loneliness hit Faraday hard in the heart of his soul (just left of his brain.) Faraday threw the dice away in disgust. Silverbacks and regularbacks scattered around his living room. His moist eyes soon found his hands and his body rocked as he wept. Bitter, bitter gorilla tears.
If you would like Faraday to:
A) Jump off a bridge,
B) Jump off a building,
C) Jump off a statue, or
D) Go see a counsellor,
Please vote in the comments!
Story to be completed soon…
January 13, 2013
Faraday part 1: The saga begins
Faraday was a lonely man, a quiet man. And as he sat in his recliner chair (as he did every Saturday night), his legs in the air and his fingers searching his cat’s hair for a flea to crack, Faraday wanted more. More.
He blamed his mother for not bringing him up with an air of confidence or self-importance. He blamed his father for not bringing him up at all. School, too, was to blame as it provided him no friends or success.
Work was a waste of time. Shopping was boring. TV was terrible. His board games gave him pleasure, but without anyone to play with he just read the rule books over and over until they were memorised twice in his mind.
‘Ah, Faraday,’ he told himself, ‘what are you going to do with yourself?’
If you would like Faraday to:
A) Jump off a bridge,
B) Jump off a building,
C) Jump off a statue, or
D) Play Gorilla Dice by himself to pass the time,
Please vote in the comments!
Story to be completed soon…
January 9, 2013
And the Pizzaboxdrawcember 2012 winner is…
Well, a big shout out to all 32 of you peeps who voted in the inaugural Pizzaboxdrawcember sweepmistakes. Your interest, love, attention, thoughtfulness, body odour and charm was much appreciated!
The poll has tabulated your votes, and the winner … With a whopping 6 votes … Is … (and if you don’t like it, learn from this experience, don’t fuss and feud) …
… I can’t say it I’m so excited …
OK, I’m ready …
… No … I’m not ready yet …
Hang on, let me just check if I have any messages …
… No, alright, it’s …
RENAE’S DICE TREE!!!
DICE TREE (Renae)
If Renae could comment in the comments, or email me at dav.harding5@gmail.com we will get your prize out to her … The inaugural Morphing Award! Please tell us what you would like drawn on a pizza box and my cousin Chris and I will draw and send it to you!!! WOW!
Two extra prizes:
SoIWentUndercover and Maddie Cochere both put in so much effort this festive pizzaseason, they deserve something too, don’t you think? (Well I do!) They each receive the chance to tell me what to do in a blog post and no holds barred! (Full frontal nudity barred) Their wish is my command! (No full frontal nudity.) Could it be a video? A love poem to them? A drawing? A guest blogger? A fist dance? (Probably side nudity is out too.) WHO KNOWS! (They do!) please let me know in the comments what your decisions are!!!
FIN
January 5, 2013
The ballad of Maddie Cochere
There was a girl named Maddie, and Maddie was her name.
Her last name came from Husband Dear – Cochere was his game!
Maddie wore her name with pride but this name brought her strife,
When one day her ‘Maddie’ name, almost cost a life…
The day, it was a windy one, the land all slippery ice.
When Maddie’s dog (the feisty hound) decided ice was nice!
As Mrs C decided it was time to go a-stalking,
The door ajar, the dog decided it was time for walking…
Maddie had one foot outside, the doggy – he had four.
One moment more, and Maddie C would have shut the door.
But Husband Dear came running, and called out through the gap,
‘My love! My sweet! I’ve caught my finger in this Venus fly trap!’
At the word of ‘Maddie,’ the dog, he turned around.
And slipping on the frozen ice, his body hit the ground!
He slid and skidded all around, his four legs splayed about,
Maddie screamed, and then she fell, landing with a clout!
Before the dog could slide away, into the great unknown,
Maddie lengthened out her arm, and cried in monotone:
‘Oh, doggy dear, my dearest pet, reach out a leg or paw!
And then, dog-friend, I’ll tug you close and save you – that’s for sure!’
The dog did so, and Maddie too, as husband watched it all.
The lady and the canine, upon the ice did crawl!
Until they reached their living room – their fortress from the snow.
Three deep breaths, a can of coke, then Dr Mario!
Police sketch of Maddie after the terrible incident that left one dog’s belly severely frost bitten. Notice her black eye and missing tooth – injuries sustained on the ice – yet she still manages a smile. What a trooper! Also notice her local police station can’t afford a proper letterhead. Also, why did they do a sketch of the poor woman after she hit her head on the ice? Aren’t police sketches for tracking down criminals? I don’t know… I can’t explain the police, people, just go through their garbage.
You can read more of Maddie’s escapades at www.breezybooks.com
January 4, 2013
In which I humbly accept my awards
I have been receiving a lot of awards, recently.
First, Maddie Cochere awarded me the Cheeky Diva award. Then, the Hot Dog Guild gave me their treasured Weinerward and the Nachos Writers’ Guild voted me into their Hall of Fame on Wednesday. Lastly, my brother, Brother Jon, gave me 2(two) awards just by himself (learn from his example, people!) He was very lovely and handed me The Very Inspiring Blogger Award AND… The Blogger of the YEAR Award!
I always knew I was an inspiration to millions, so that award was a pleasure to accept but not really a surprise. But the fact that I was the best blogger of the whole year was… Actually, I expected that, too.
So, I now humbly (very humbly) accept the Very Inspiring Blogger award by following the rules laid out at their inception (and birth, I assume) by stating 7(seven) things about me (not you):
1. My name is David Harding ‘R’ Me.
2. Wait. The R Me bit isn’t really part of my name.
3. My blog’s name is David Harding ‘R’ Me.
4. I like rice.
5. I love nachos.
6. I am a very inspiring blogger. I inspire millions of people everyday. Just check out my doctrine for happy life living here. At last count, upwards of nine people have found peace and happiness through me this way.
7. I’m thinking of setting up my own award. How good would it be to win THAT!? VERY! GOOD!
And you know, that really covers everything. Aren’t I great? YES! I! AM!
January 1, 2013
Pizzaboxdrawcember 2012 finale
Dear friend,
When I first floated this Pizzaboxdrawcember idea. It was a joke. A joke, people! But you (people) have turned it into something of pure joy. Something that makes one (or two) glad to be alive (and if I was dead it would make me happier then, too)!
So kudos (sudokus) to you! These artworks have been exquisite, (beautiful), ugly, (painful) and everything in between. The stories behind some of these pizza quests have filled me with (joy), rage, giddiness, and way too much (pizza). And gee can some dough-spinners draw!
But as with all things (except for my glory and greatness) things such as these things must come to an end, like these things here will, and other things too, and stuff and things, all will end. Things!!!
So, it is time to vote. Which of these designs shall be crowned the most glorious of 2012? Which will bring its discoverer the treasured Morphing Award??? There will be some other prizes too! TBA! So stay tuned (A#) and all shall be revealed.
Here follows a gallery of all entries (in no order). Please vote (at the bottom – ooh!) once for the design that you feel best deserves the honour of PBD 2012 champeen! And yes, I am allowed to win my own award!!! I have also included a couple that were home made as my Santa-ape had to be included (sez me). If you haven’t seen these yet, click on them to zoom in!
PS: Tis the season to be lazy! I will keep the poll up for one week to give everyone a chance to vote! Spread the word…like BUTTA!
GODZILLA DICE (The Cocheres)
JESUS SAVES PBD (SoIWentUndercover)
HELLO PIZZA! (Chris de Voss)
BALTIMORE, WHAT THOU? (LaLa)
OBESE GORILLA DICE (Me and Chris M)
COOL YETI GORILLA DICE (Jen & Tonic)
MANGA MONKEY (Chris Morphew)
FOREHEAD GORILLA DICE (Chris Morphew)
REJECTION…OR IS IT? (The Cocheres)
HAPPY HAPPY DICE DICE! (The Cocheres)
DICE TREE (Renae)
C’MERE AND PLAY ME! (The Cocheres)
SANTA-APE (Me)
CARE BEAR PLAYING DICE (BroJo)
NUMBER ONE! (Me and Chris)
December 30, 2012
Good-bye PizzaBoxDrawcember
New Year’s Resolution #1 – Quit asking pizza workers to draw pictures of gorillas throwing dice.
New Year’s Resolution #2 – Quit eating pizza for at least three months.
I need the next three months to work off the amount of pizza I’ve eaten in December alone. Getting that first picture under the pizza box lid was like being on crack (not that I’ve ever been on crack), but I needed more, more, more!
It's been a wonderful PFD. sniff... And for those of you thinking your deawing will be bringing home the glory... Heeeeere comes Maddie!!!
Look out for your chance to vote on the winning box art in the next day or so!
December 29, 2012
VyvaciousTweets
So there’s a woman (shock!) and she’s on twitter (horror!) and her name is @VyvaciousEats (but the ‘@’ is silent). And sometimes we chat (tweet) about stuff (things) like cauliflower (or bottoms) and I would like to share (exchange) some of these exchanges (shares…?) with you (thou).
Oh, and I know this is a lazy way to blog – just copy/pasting something I’ve already done, but it’s the holiday season so stop whingeing – you’re lucky to be getting anything at all! Besides, this is way better than some other blog posts out there!! (You know the ones I’m talking about!) So back off, gee!
The one about bottoms:
The one about cauliflower:
…and that’s all you’re getting this time, so deal with it. Perhaps I won’t feel so lazy in a day or two. But maybe I will! Maybe. I. WILL!!!
