Nenia Campbell's Blog - Posts Tagged "funny"

GROCERY

Customer: Um, hello. I would like to return this meat, please.

Vendor: Why? What's wrong with it? What did I do?

C: Well, I served it last night and it made my whole family sick.

V: Are you saying my store serves inferior meat? That I purposely go around poisoning people?

C: No! I just want to get a return. Or store credit. That would be nice.

V: Bullshit. I want to see proof. Do you have pictures of your family getting sick? I WANT A BAGGIE FULL OF BARF. LABELED AND DATED. I WANT SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE THAT THE CHUNKS OF PUKE WERE DERIVED FROM MY STORE'S MEAT.

C: What the hell--

V: You know something? I am so tired of people coming in here and demanding their money back. Boo-hoo, this box was open when I bought it. Waaaah, this meat made me sick. YOU THINK IT'S EASY RUNNING A STORE LIKE THIS, BUB? WHY DON'T YOU OPEN ONE AND TALK TO ME AFTER A COUPLE YEARS.

C: This is ridiculous...

V: Damn right it is. I'm putting you on my black list. You show your meat-barfing face in here again, I'm calling the motherfucking cops. Choke on that.

C: I--

V: Also, I'm taking the picture of you from our video surveillance camera and I'm going to put it on my website along with your name from your receipt, so all the other grocers know what a douche you are.

C: THAT IS ILLEGAL.

V: LOL NOPE. It's public information. If I can get it from you in public, and it's information, it's public domain.

C: No it isn't--

V: Now get the fuck out of my store.

Electronics

C: I would like to order a TV.

V: You should order this one, it's the best. Best resolution, best sound quality, best everything.

C: It's kind of expensive.

V: What, you think the best comes cheap?

C: It also says there's no return policy.

V: Look, mate. This is the BEST TV out there. Let me lay it out for you in simple language since you probably can't understand the big words, seeing as how you don't know shit about electronics or you wouldn't be in here talking to me. THIS. IS. THE. BEST. TV.

C: I don't think I want it. Maybe I'll come back when it's a little less expensive.

V: You aren't going to buy this piece of greatness because it's too expensive?

C: Where can I find the DVDs section?

V: Then get out.

C: But there are other TVs I might--

V: Out. Now.

C: Fine. I'll go to Radio Shack.

V: The hell you will. I'm going to call them right now and tell them not to let you in. And then I'm going to call your place of employment--where do you work again?--and tell them that you said that they're a bunch of tight-fisted tight-asses who don't pay you enough to buy a decent TV set, let alone a decent wage.

C: What? THAT'S INSANE. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME FIRED!

V: Buh-bye, bitch.

CLOTHING

C: Miss! Miss, excuse me!

V: What is it?

C: This shirt has a hole in it.

V: It's supposed to be there. It's part of the design.

C: It also has a stain.

V: Nope. That's also part of the design.

C: It's all frayed--

V: Which of us is the fashion expert here? What do you expect from handmade vintage clothing, hmm? Sorry we can't live up to your assembly line-generated K-Mart collection standards.

C: *deep breath* I also wondered about these jeans. Do you have them in a larger size? They're too small.

V: They're not too small, honey. Your ass is too big. How dare you criticize my store's clothes. You don't know a thing about fashion. You want some help? Lay off the chips, fatty, or go shop at Walmart.

You're yapping excitedly about THE BEST BOOK EVAR and then it starts showing up on other people's shelves.

YES.

IF I LIKE SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE MUST LIKE IT.

Well, not really, but you know.

*happy feels*

1. Scream.
2. Flail around with something hard.
3. Throw books at the spider.
4. Throw books at where the spider was .054 seconds ago.
5. Scream some more as the spider now crawls towards your face once more with the desire for revenge gleaming in those eight evil eyes.
6. Kill spider with mousepad.
7. Realize mousepad is on your bed. "Unclean! Unclean!"
8. Throw mousepad across the room in horror.
9. Check to make sure spider is really dead.
10. OMG THE LEG TWITCHED! EAT TWILIGHT SAGA, SPIDERMAN!
11. False alarm.
12. Throw Twilight across the room with the unsanitary mousepad.
13. Breathe out a sigh of relief that the horror is over.
14. For now...

So my brother put our cat on my spine and I was like, "She's touching my butt!" Which lead to this conversation.

Sister: Nine-one-one. The cat touched my butt. Ma'am stop calling nine-one-one.

Brother: Nine-one-one. I'm being chased by a beeeeeee.

Sister: Ma'am please stop calling nine-one-one.

Brother: Nine-one-one. I'm being chased by a ghost.

Sister: Ma'am, it's Halloween. You're going to see lots of ghosts.

(Pause)

But this one is wearing jeans!

And it's wearing Converse and I'm afraid it's going to fuck up my carpet.

Brother: And it's friends with Superman. I'm real scared now!