Emerald's Blog, page 17

May 20, 2013

Dildology: Grassroots at Its Best

During the process of acquiring my academic degrees in politics, I learned a fair amount about grassroots organizing. I feel truly confident in saying that what I’m blogging about today strikes me as grassroots at its best. A few inspired, motivated people saw a circumstance that wasn’t(/isn’t) serving the population of which they are a part, and they converged to formulate a plan to address and take action on it. As with most grassroots endeavors, funding is needed—which is why I’m happy to take part in the first blog carnival fundraiser for Dildology.org today.

When I started working as a webcam model several years ago, I had been writing erotica just long enough to have been exposed to Violet Blue and correlative sources I considered credible in sex education and sexual health (most notably Good Vibrations, whose online magazine had also published my work). I was certainly no expert, though; I had heard this word “phthalates” and that it was in a lot of sex toys and that contact with it wasn’t particularly good for you.

Because I’m neurotic about very cognizant of germs, I did careful research to make sure I was getting toys that could be unambiguously sterilized. I somehow learned enough to be aware that a toy that was 100% silicone was not going to have phthalates in it, and I understood I could sterilize it too. (This is because, as I understand it, it is nonporous, which is what one generally wants one’s sex toys to be). Glass appeared to be the same way.

Thus, because I just barely knew enough to discern credible sources and reputable sellers, I managed to procure quality sex toys on my first try, purchasing a silicone dildo direct from Tantus and a glass one from Good Vibrations. (I’ve since added a few from the highly-recommended njoy line to my collection.)

Unnervingly, however, had I not already been exposed to the high-quality information from educators and retailers in the community whose company I am so glad to now keep, knowing I should get a toy made of 100% silicone might not have been enough. Because manufacturers of sex toys, or what are sometimes called “novelties,” aren’t required to follow standards of accuracy when listing the materials in their toys.

In other words, they may lie.

That’s because there is no official oversight of the sex toy industry. In a way, this does not surprise me. At this juncture, our culture seems to have a hard time acknowledging sexuality in any kind of a sincere, curious, or grounded way; if it is not imbued with disturbing and arbitrary puritanical standards, it tends to be at best treated with avoidance and/or pubescence and generally not recognized as a subject to take seriously.

As may be obvious, it is a subject I take seriously. Delightfully, I am not alone—the three individuals behind the brand-new nonprofit organization Dildology.org take it seriously enough that they are ready to put their time and attention into helping the public understand what is in the sex toys they’re using on/in their bodies.

From Dildology’s stated mission:

Dildology.org intends to provide material verification services and maintain a public database of the results, adding transparency and oversight to the industry while educating the public about the science behind pleasure products. We stand on our own, uninfluenced, and we are dedicated to protecting the health and wellbeing of the dildo-loving population at large through education (and maybe a little entertainment).

Phthalates, which I mentioned earlier, are prominent in some sex toys. They are, incidentally, not allowed in children’s toys in the U.S.—by order of a government regulation. That makes me not really feel like I want them in a product that is touching and going inside my body either. And phthalates aren’t the only potentially harmful material sex toys may contain. There’s a reason I included this post from Dangerous Lilly, one of Dildology’s founders, in a Recommended Reading post back in 2010.

One of the reasons Dildology’s service seems so valuable to me is that, due in large part to the circumstances I lamented above about sexuality/sexual health/sexual pleasure not seeming treated as the venerable subjects I feel they are, it seems to me that some people may feel self-conscious about discussing sex toys and thus not ask those of us who would be more than happy to proffer information about them. To me, this makes Dildology.org even more vital as a central, publicly accessible resource to check the safety and reliability of sex toys and companies. Not only will it provide far more advanced and reliable information about the materials in specific toys than even the extensive research I did, but it will counteract anyone’s unawareness of where to even start looking for such information and/or embarrassment about asking someone who does. I happened to know where to look to find the information I needed. Many people don’t.

Crista, another of Dildology.org’s founders, stated the following about her experience as a buyer for adult stores:

At the same time, I was also having amazing conversations with people about how using sex toys enriched their sex lives. Helping them experience their first orgasms, prolonging partnered sex, revitalizing relationships. How they were falling in love with masturbation, experiencing intense self-esteem boosts from embracing their quest for pleasure. I was purchasing and personally testing every dildo I could get my hands on, going through a transformation of my own sexuality through sex toys.

And of course that makes sense to me. I’m all about this kind of personal sexual revolution and aim to support it myself however I can. While I don’t review or even collect toys very much myself, I appreciate their relevance and potential importance to the sexual journey of many. That, again, is one of the reasons I’m blogging about this today.

Another is that the kind of reliable testing Dildology.org will be doing is not cheap—which is why I’m participating in this blog carnival to support them in asking for financial donations. In order to remain unbiased, Dildology.org will not be accepting advertising (they will be somewhat like the Consumer Reports of sex toys). Their funding will be coming solely from the grassroots base that supports, appreciates, and benefits from what they’re doing.

My hope is that at this point you feel sparklingly inspired to donate to Dildology.org. :) If you don’t quite yet, please take a look at this list of extra incentives offered in conjunction with your generous donation. All incentives include the products/prizes included in the previous lesser incentive levels as well:

Donate $15 and get a 15% coupon for SheVibe.com.

Donate $25 and get a Dildology spyglass crossbone sticker when the fundraising goal (of $20,000) is reached.

Donate $50 and get an official “DILDOLOGIST” t-shirt when the fundraising goal is reached.

Donate $100 to be included on the website’s donor list.

Donate $250 and choose one of the next products Dildology.org tests.

Donate $500 to receive naked pictures of the founders. (Note: This is qualified with a parenthetical “maybe” on the site. ;).)

If you use sex toys and care about knowing whether the ones you use are safe for your body, or if you don’t use sex toys and care that people who do know the ones they use are safe for their bodies, you’re our audience. (Welcome. ;)) I hope that you’ll care enough about it to support Dildology.org as they work to get this revolutionary venture off the ground. Perhaps even someday, the sex toy industry as a whole will be accountable to accuracy, health, and quality, and we’ll be that much closer to a world where sexuality is something to appreciate, discuss, and take seriously just like food or medicine or children’s toys. I truly feel this kind of grassroots endeavor is exactly how that starts.

Love,

Emerald

“There’s a fire inside and it started a riot about to explode into flames…”

-30 Seconds to Mars “Hurricane”

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Published on May 20, 2013 05:24

May 15, 2013

May 13, 2013

Presenting Justine Elyot and Her Latest Release, Close Harmony!

It is my utter delight today to welcome the esteemed Justine Elyot to my blog to talk about her new release in the Food of Love trilogy. Though we have never met in person (probably something to do with living on different continents), Justine is one of my favorite author colleagues, both personally and professionally. Please enjoy as she regales us with her invariable charm and a scintillating taste of her scorching prose! (And don’t miss the purchase links for all three books in the series at the end of the post!)

In my experience, Emerald is one of the kindest people on the erotica scene, so it was no surprise to me when she answered my plea for help in promoting my latest book. But, while I might not be surprised, I’m certainly grateful – thank you, Emerald. It’s lovely to be here.

So, I’ve written a trilogy and the last instalment has just been released by Total E-Bound books. The Food of Love series is about the adventures of Lydia, a violinist whose life takes a turn for the emotionally charged – and erotic – when she joins the celebrated Westminster Symphony Orchestra.

But rather than bang on about it, I’ll give you a flavour. Lydia has gone on holiday to think over her fraught relationships with two men – Milan and Karl-Heinz. She has vowed to have no communication with either…but she finds this vow a little difficult to keep.

Excerpt

She was still scrolling through the texts when the phone rang. Smiling at her ring tone – Saint-Säens’ Danse Macabre – she became a little perturbed when she saw who was calling. Von Ritter.

But somehow she couldn’t ignore the call – his imperious presence making itself felt from thousands of miles away – and she pushed the button.

“Karl-Heinz,” she said.

“Oh, you have switched on,” he said, sounding surprised.

“I know I said I wouldn’t. I forgot. How are you? San Francisco sounds amazing.”

“Oh. I am quite well, you know. Thinking about you.”

“Oh, right,” she said guardedly.

“Thinking about how good we are together.”

“Karl-Heinz…”

“I hope you’re being good there in Spain, Liebchen. I hope you are on your best behaviour.”

His stern tone sent a little dart of heat to her lower belly, spreading through her groin area until her shorts felt too constricting. She shifted her thighs and leant against a rock.

“It’s none of your business what I do,” she said in a lower tone. Really, she should just hang up. She shouldn’t continue with this.

“I beg your pardon. None of my business? Your behaviour is very much my business, little Lydia. You know how I deal with you when you’re bad.”

“Stop it.”

“You remember, hmm?”

“Don’t do this.”

“You remember how I take down your panties and make you bend over and spank your ass hard, until it’s bright red and sore?”

Lydia swallowed, words flying beyond her reach. She looked around furtively and, seeing that she was alone, slid a hand down inside the waistband of her shorts.

“Karl-Heinz, I know what you’re doing.”

“Yes, I’m thinking I need to cut short my tour and come there to deal with you.”

“It isn’t your place to deal with me,” she said, but her fingers now covered her mons, wriggling downwards.

“That’s where you’re wrong.” His voice purred in her ear, soft but perfectly authoritative. “It’s my place and it’s my duty. When you’re bathing in the sea tomorrow, be careful. Sooner or later you’ll see me wading towards you. I’ll take you by the wrist and pull you out of the waves, in front of all the other people. I’ll march you over the sands and take you inside my beach tent, just set up ready for you. And everyone outside will hear me pull down your bikini panties and spank you hard on your wet little bottom. What a sound that will make! They’ll all know what I’m doing to you. They’ll listen to that lovely wet smacking sound and hear your poor little cries and shake their heads and wonder what you’ve done to deserve it. You must have been a very naughty girl indeed. But now you’re getting what you need.”

Lydia couldn’t stop him now if she wanted to. She pushed urgent fingers between her pussy lips, straining at the stitching of her shorts. Her clit felt hot and prickly, fat to the touch.

“And when I’ve spanked you until your bottom is dry and glowing and hot to the touch, I’ll rub it all over with sand. Gritty, chafing sand that makes the soreness much worse.

Then I’ll pull your panties up tight, so they bunch in the crack of your ass and show your red, sandy bum cheeks. I’ll push them up between your pussy lips so they rub your clit. Are you rubbing your clit now, Lydia, by the way?”

“Uh.”

“No, I want an answer. Are you masturbating?”

“Yes,” she hissed quickly. “Go on. Please.”

“You really do need me there, don’t you?”

“Noooo. Go on.”

“Okay. I’ll make you lie down on the sunbed on your stomach so everyone can see that you’ve had a good spanking. You can take off your bikini top too, for an all-over tan. And so that everyone can see how hard your nipples are. Everyone will know that getting that spanking turned you on. It made you so horny you’re pressing your thighs together and trying to rub those bunched-up panties all over your pussy. They can see your hips move and your ass raised up, as if you want more spanking on that gritty little behind. But I tell you you’re not to make yourself come. Oh no. It isn’t allowed. You will have to wait until I get you back to the hotel. And I don’t mean to go back to the hotel for hours yet.”

Lydia poured a sequence of panting breaths into the phone.

“You came?”

“Uh huh,” she gasped.

“I thought I just told you, that isn’t allowed. Oh dear, Lydia. I need to come all the way from the US to Spain to deliver a special spanking, don’t I?”

“No, no, you don’t, and I shouldn’t have turned this phone on…”

“And I shouldn’t have turned you on?”

“No, you shouldn’t!”

He chuckled and she ended the call and threw the phone back in her bag, hot-cheeked with shame and disappointment with herself.

Her solemn promise that she would have nothing to do with either of her pursuers until orchestra rehearsals resumed in September was well and truly broken.

She pulled her hand from her shorts and sniffed ruefully at her fingers.

Von Ritter would be feeling so triumphant now. He knew exactly how little it took to reel her back in. What a pushover.

She had to pull herself together. One lapse didn’t mean it was all over. Like a smoker on day one of cigarette withdrawal, she knew she faced tough times ahead. But if she was to clear her mind and work out what and whom she really wanted, she had to have this space.

LINKS

If your appetite’s been whetted, I have links for all three books.

Book One – Highly Strung

Book Two – Musical Beds

Book Three – Close Harmony

Thank you so much for reading – and thanks again to Emerald.

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Published on May 13, 2013 00:55

May 8, 2013

May 1, 2013

April 24, 2013

April 20, 2013

An Examination of Linguistics and a Reverence for Experience

(Warning: This post and the posts to which it links may contain potential triggers for those who have experienced sexual abuse or assault.)

This is one of those things I literally just happened upon this evening (morning) following links from something someone recommended to another blog in the blogroll to a recent post. I copied the link down to add to the future Recommended Reading list because I found the poem in the post very moving, as well as filled with deep self-awareness.

I then went to read the first referenced post to which the author links in the above post. I started writing a note I was going to include in the Recommended Reading paragraph about it, and it got a little long. Eventually it seemed to be its own post…which you are now reading.

What first struck me in reading the latter post is that I personally don’t see the term “rape culture” as at all reminiscent of a view of all male-bodied individuals as potential attackers. Not only do I not define “rape culture” according to any individuals or group of individuals but rather according to collective perceptions I interpret our culture as demonstrating, but I also absolutely (and probably correlatively) don’t see rape culture as something that pits any gender against any other. I actually find that perspective very disheartening. To me, rape culture definitely exists and is something I feel sorry to say I see us as steeped in, but it is a phenomenon related to perceptions, not people—of any gender.

The “rape” in “rape culture” does usually refer to the rape of female-bodied people by male-bodied people, and that is because that has been evidenced as the more common perpetuation of rape, but it is also because there are societal perceptions and attitudes, generally insidious and often so ingrained as to be unnoticed, that breed and perpetuate that behavior. It is those attitudes that I see as rape culture—it is not simply about a behavior but what manifests that behavior (and collective response to it). And those attitudes do tend to be based on gender and cultural assumptions around it. To me, that doesn’t mean that rape culture is about each member of a particular gender.

None of this means men never face abusive situations or have never been abused. That is (heartbreakingly) obviously not the case. Sadly, this doesn’t negate the existence of rape culture. It is a cultural phenomenon larger than individual experiences. At the same time, rape culture absolutely doesn’t negate the experience of sexual abuse of male-bodied and male-identified people. The two are not mutually exclusive (though I sure wish they both didn’t exist).

I also remembered in reading the post that I myself see child sexual abuse as different from adult. Adult sexual abuse has frequently seemed slanted toward male perpetration against female, but I haven’t and don’t see child sexual abuse that way. I admit I have not generally used or thought of the term “rape culture” as relating to child sexual abuse. I see child sexual abuse as a different phenomenon occurring for different reasons (having more to do with sexual repression and sexual shame than gender relations)—though of course that is not to say there could or would be no overlap.

I also want to note that I interpreted “rape culture” and “male privilege” as seeming to be used in a connected way in said post, and I see them as unambiguously different things. I myself wouldn’t even really connect them in a casual way. Again, this is partly because I don’t see rape culture as necessarily founded on people of individual genders themselves but rather around attitudes surrounding gender, whereas male privilege is connected to people who identify as men.

Male privilege is also something that has to do with societal systems and perceptions and certainly does not mean all men’s experience is the same. As I see it, it means that due to historical perceptions and systemic structures in our culture, identifying and/or being perceived as a man inherently (at this time) includes considerations that are not collectively the case for other genders; these considerations may be taken for granted or not realized by those in question due to this very circumstance. (By the way, I am not suggesting that men and women are somehow inherently different in and of themselves—on the contrary, this is an entirely different line of perception having to do with the way current human society is organized and has historically—at least in relatively contemporary history—organized itself to structurally interact with male-identified and female-identified people.) Thus, people identified those ways have often experienced society in ways congruent with this structure that those not identified as such might have a hard time recognizing or relating to, and vice versa. This is also the case for things like white privilege, heterosexual privilege, etc.

This is not a “blame” thing (at least I don’t see it as one)—rather, it is just a recognition thing. Realizing these things, it seems to me, can be helpful. Failure to recognize the existence of either male privilege or rape culture does not seem helpful to me. On the contrary. I also feel that failure to recognize that male-bodied people have experienced sexual abuse is not helpful. Again, I don’t see any of these recognitions as at all mutually exclusive.

Lastly (but definitely not least), I personally acknowledge and honor the author’s sharing. I see things about these particular phrases differently, and it feels/felt important to me to express that, but that in no way diminishes the respect, support, and appreciation for his sharing, his experience, and his very humanity, both in general (that was the case before I knew of his existence) and specifically in response to what I interpret in his post about his own experiences—which only he can know—that I embody and offer. There is absolutely nothing consciously in me whatsoever that feels any desire or inclination to attack him personally for expressing what he did or to offer anything but support for his sharing his experience and in his healing and personal journey. It is beyond question for me that I find sexual abuse perpetrated against anyone the same inexpressible degree of horrifying, heartwrenching, and words I’m not even sure exist regardless of the gender of the perpetrator or the recipient.

Love (again, with a particular expression of love and support for the author to whose post this is loosely in response),

Emerald

“Love, thy will be done, I can no longer hide, I can no longer run, no longer can I resist the guiding light…love thy will be done…”

-Martika “Love… Thy Will Be Done”

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Published on April 20, 2013 00:47

April 17, 2013

April 12, 2013

Joining the MFRW Staff—and Promoting the Erotic Bloghop That Starts Today!

I am very excited—thrilled, really—to say that I have recently been invited to join the staff team of Marketing for Romance Writers (MFRW) as one of the assistant newsletter editors. While I am not a romance author per se, MFRW is open to members who write in all genres. The point is not to discuss writing but rather to exchange ideas and methods about marketing, and to support each other as such (see the about page on their site for more info. MFRW also has a wealth of marketing resources for writers on its site that you can check out here). I have been a member of the MFRW Yahoo Group for a couple years, lurking and watching and appreciating the enormous amount the staff and members do for each other. If you’re in the running for support or information on marketing your writing, join us!

The MFRW Newsletter is published monthly and may be found online at ISSUU: http://ww.issue.com/MFRW. I am honored to be a support point in the process of its publication and look forward to embracing MFRW’s motto of “seek, teach, share, learn, succeed” in this new role. In addition, as odd as it may sound, I love to proofread, so I am delighted to help out MFRW in this way. :)

Marketing for Romance Writers also organizes multiple bloghops. As it happens, the MFRW Erotic Bloghop—with the theme “Let’s Get Lucky”—is just getting underway today! Though I am not personally participating in this hop, I look forward to reading the posts of those who are over the next three days. Follow along with me here!

Love,

Emerald

“Obstacles are inefficient, follow your intuition, free your inner soul and break away from tradition…let’s get it started in here…”

-Black Eyed Peas “Let’s Get It Started”

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Published on April 12, 2013 01:43