Emerald's Blog, page 12
December 10, 2013
Recommended Reading #179: Attunement
“Treating the whole person” by Dr. Elizabeth Wood (Self-Awareness, Health and Body, BDSM) 11/2/13
Recognition of sexual health, freedom, rights, and pleasure in the medical field seems profoundly important to me, and I feel Elizabeth’s exposition beautifully illuminates some reasons why.
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“Sadie Says: She’s Ready” by Sadie Smythe (Youth, Sex Education, Self-Awareness, Sex and Culture) 11/22/13
This almost brought me to tears. Reading about a parent who perceives sexuality and our relationship with our bodies as things that are innate and inseparable from our full consciousness not only feels like a breath of fresh air but also something for which I feel profoundly grateful. Reading of a daughter that is being guided this way and appears to be absorbing it shrewdly leaves me almost speechless with gratitude. Attunement to self, nature, and offspring (as well as to the toxic messages behind abstinence-only insistence and the awareness to eschew them). Beautiful.
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“Rape Triggers & The Best Dentist In The World” by Alyssa Royse (elf-Awareness, Trauma, Sexual Violence, Beauty) 12/4/13
[Sexual violence trigger warning, but if you can stand to read it—] This is one of the most extraordinarily beautiful things I have read in some time. So much so I don’t even know what else to say about it.
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December 7, 2013
On Porn and Professionalism: The Staggering Hypocrisy of a Rarely-Questioned Perspective
Upon someone’s recommendation (I am sorry that I don’t remember whose right now), I took a look at an article several days ago by which I found myself feeling quite annoyed. Not that I wasn’t already aware this happened, but Salon.com was reporting about former porn performers being fired from jobs because they’re former porn performers. A judge quoted in the article justified upholding this behavior by stating the following:
“[…] the ongoing availability of her pornographic materials on the Internet will continue to impede [Halas] from being an effective [middle school] teacher and respected colleague.”
Not for the first time, I am faced with the inevitable question: why the flying fuck (no pun intended) would seeing someone have sex preclude that person from “being an effective teacher [or whatever] and respected colleague”? What, seriously, is the matter with people? As maddening as I find this, I also feel truly bewildered, because I simply do not understand this phenomenon.
First of all, according to our people-under-18-don’t-think-about-and-shouldn’t-have-any-exposure-to-sex culture, the students shouldn’t be seeing her work in its “ongoing availability” anyway, so I’m not sure why it would affect her capacity to teach them even if I did find her past profession relevant. But mainly, if you don’t want to see other people having sex, I recommend not watching porn. If you do, then why the hell would it seem to be a problem that the people you watch having sex also do other things in their lives, including making a living in another industry? What, truly, is the problem here?
As an aside, for anyone not recognizing a potential gender double standard here, please consider what might happen if a straight, cisgender male was found to have performed in porn in the past. Do you suspect he would be fired? I don’t know, and the answer probably varies, but it certainly seems to me relevant to consider. (Similar threads could be continued by considering the response to a gay cis male performer, a female cis lesbian performer, performers with body shapes that don’t look like the mainstream industry standard, trans* performers, etc., etc.)
In any case, I find this unacceptable. If we are going to partake in porn, and we apparently do (especially, ironically, if someone is recognizing a former porn star!), why would we not correlatively recognize that people indeed perform in it in order for us to be able to partake in it? That is a service they offer as such, and they appropriately get paid for it within the strictures of the capitalistic system in which we live. How can we possibly not recognize the inappropriateness of rendering their labor—in which, again, we seem to culturally partake heavily—somehow “less than” or invalid to a degree that makes their very offering it a fireable offense in other industries?
What we could really use, as I see it, is more of what Megan Andelloux shares here. What this woman who doesn’t appreciate slut-shaming and recognizes it as the nonsensical and potentially harmful phenomenon it is has to say. What this father sees about being a parent. What Veronica Monet perceives about violence and sexual repression (a topic on which I myself have written as well).
I could offer much further reading material, but the point is that perhaps if we didn’t act so collectively pubescent and puritanical about sex and opened to the appreciation that 1) sex is not some strange foreign phenomenon that we should all fear and feel embarrassed that we have anything to do with, and 2) each person chooses how to express her/his/their experience of the sexual instinct (which encompasses everything from actually having sex to painting a masterpiece to intensely wanting that piece of fresh apple pie) and how to earn a living in a capitalist system uniquely and individually, we could get to the point where we don’t act like 12-year-olds in our cultural interaction with it. We could, perhaps, further recognize that as long as unambiguous consent is involved, judgment, punishment, and intervention around the chosen combination of sexuality and labor don’t really seem life-affirming or helpful.
If we did, I suspect a number of double standards would drop off, our profound shame around our bodies, relationships, and sexuality would decrease, and people who have offered their service as porn performers would not be fired or not hired in the first place in other professions because of it. Such is an aspiration I hold dearly for all of us and to which I continue to personally commit myself.
Love,
Emerald
“Well this is just a little hatin’ place and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites…”
-Jeanne C. Riley “Harper Valley PTA”
On Porn and Professionalism: The Staggering Hypocrisy of Our Rarely-Questioned Perspective
Upon someone’s recommendation (I am sorry that I don’t remember whose right now), I took a look at an article several days ago by which I found myself feeling quite annoyed. Not that I wasn’t already aware this happened, but Salon.com was reporting about former porn performers being fired from jobs because they’re former porn performers. A judge quoted in the article justified upholding this behavior by stating the following:
“[…] the ongoing availability of her pornographic materials on the Internet will continue to impede [Halas] from being an effective [middle school] teacher and respected colleague.”
Not for the first time, I am faced with the inevitable question: why the flying fuck (no pun intended) would seeing someone have sex preclude that person from “being an effective teacher [or whatever] and respected colleague”? What, seriously, is the matter with people? As maddening as I find this, I also feel truly bewildered, because I simply do not understand this phenomenon.
First of all, according to our people-under-18-don’t-think-about-and-shouldn’t-have-any-exposure-to-sex culture, the students shouldn’t be seeing her work in its “ongoing availability” anyway, so I’m not sure why it would affect her capacity to teach them even if I did find her past profession relevant. But mainly, if you don’t want to see other people having sex, I recommend not watching porn. If you do, then why the hell would it seem to be a problem that the people you watch having sex also do other things in their lives, including making a living in another industry? What, truly, is the problem here?
As an aside, for anyone not recognizing a potential gender double standard here, please consider what might happen if a straight, cisgender male was found to have performed porn in the past. Do you suspect he would be fired? I don’t know, and the answer probably varies, but it certainly seems to me relevant to consider. (Similar threads could be continued by considering the response to a gay cis male performer, a female cis lesbian performer, performers with body shapes that don’t look like the mainstream industry standard, trans* performers, etc., etc.)
In any case, I find this unacceptable. If we are going to partake in porn, and we apparently do (especially, ironically, if someone is recognizing a former porn star!), why would we not correlatively recognize that people indeed perform in it in order for us to be able to partake in it? That is a service they offer as such, and they appropriately get paid for it within the strictures of the capitalistic system in which we live. How can we possibly not recognize the inappropriateness of rendering their labor—in which, again, we seem to culturally partake heavily—somehow “less than” or invalid to a degree that makes their very offering it a fireable offense in other industries?
What we could really use, as I see it, is more of what Megan Andelloux shares here. What this woman who doesn’t appreciate slut-shaming and recognizes it as the nonsensical and potentially harmful phenomenon that it is has to say. What this father sees about being a parent. What Veronica Monet perceives about violence and sexual repression (a topic on which I myself have written as well).
I could offer much further reading material, but the point is that perhaps if we didn’t act so collectively pubescent and puritanical about sex and opened to the appreciation that 1) sex is not some strange foreign phenomenon that we should all fear and feel embarrassed that we have anything to do with, and 2) each person chooses how to express her/his/their experience of the sexual instinct (which encompasses everything from actually having sex to painting a masterpiece to intensely wanting that piece of fresh apple pie) and how to earn a living in a capitalist system uniquely and individually, we could get to the point where we don’t act like 12-year-olds in our cultural interaction with it. We could, perhaps, further recognize that as long as unambiguous consent is involved, judgment, punishment, and intervention around the chosen combination of sexuality and labor don’t really seem life-affirming or helpful.
If we did, I suspect a number of double standards would drop off, our profound shame around our bodies, relationships, and sexuality would decrease, and people who have offered their service as porn performers would not be fired or not hired in the first place in other professions because of it. Such is an aspiration I hold dearly for all of us and to which I continue to personally commit.
Love,
Emerald
“Well this is just a little hatin’ place and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites…”
-Jeanne C. Riley “Harper Valley PTA”
December 6, 2013
xoxo Is Out Early and Here Now!
Editor Kristina Wright announced this morning that xoxo: Sweet and Sexy Romance is unexpectedly available now! I wasn’t expecting it to come out until at least January, so this is a pleasant pre-holiday surprise. :)
I feel particularly excited about my contribution to xoxo because it is the first time a story of mine has been first in the table of contents of a Cleis Press book. Putting a story first means different things to different editors, undoubtedly, but it’s just one of those things I found exciting when I saw it. ;)
Speaking of the table of contents, I don’t think it’s available to see online anywhere yet, so I will tell you I’m in luscious company in this anthology: names like Sacchi Green, Saskia Walker, Jeremy Edwards, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Nikki Magennis, Annabeth Leong, Neve Black, and Sommer Marsden are just a few of those that comprise the abundance of fabulousness in this anthology!
xoxo is available now at Amazon, B&N, or straight from the publisher. I suspect it would make a great gift. ;)
Love,
Emerald
Sometimes he’s inside me. Sometimes my mouth is on his cock. Sometimes his tongue is against my clit or my nipple or whatever square inch of skin he’s found that lights up that fire that’s somehow inside me and outside me and everywhere else all at once.
It’s different each time. But whatever form it’s taking, sex is what we’re doing. The timing is the important thing.
-from “Midnight”
December 4, 2013
Recommended Reading #178: Sex(uality) as Labor, Pt. III
This Facebook note by Sabrina Morgan (Sex Work, Sex and Culture, Sex Education) 12/3/13
This seems to me to wrap up the relevance of the relatedness of all sexually-focused work and why, despite maddening and unhelpful legal limitations and stigmas, support for consensual sexuality-focused labor is not a pick-and-choose issue. Nicely said.
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“Porn, Feminist Labor Practices, and The Condom Debate” by Tristan Taormino (Sex Work, Health and Body, Pornography) 9/20/13
I appreciate this for a number of reasons. For one thing, I tend to respect a careful and considered change of position. Appreciating and accepting fluidity and the openness to examine one’s perspective in light of the moment seems a helpful and strong tendency to me, regardless of the content of the perspectives in question. I also support condom use in general (though I agree with Tristan in not supporting last year’s legislative measure Plan B, for the reasons she outlines at that link). I invariably and non-negotiably used and insisted on condom use for all vaginal and anal penetration when I worked in porn, and what one’s test results were or when a fellow performer was last tested would not have influenced that insistence at all. Anyway, I appreciate Tristan’s position, and I appreciate her explanation of it here.
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“What I’ve Learned From…Talking to College Students about Sexuality” by Megan Andelloux (Youth, Sex Education) 11/1/13
To be frank, this piece just elicits a serious “Fuck yeah!” from me. I so appreciate the work Megan Andelloux does.
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December 3, 2013
The Big Book of Orgasms Virtual Book Tour and the Origin of “Payback”
Welcome to my stop on the virtual book tour for The Big Book of Orgasms! This smoking-hot anthology came out in October and has 69 flash stories that all clock in at 1,200 words or fewer. It also includes my story “Payback.”
I have invariably found it an honor when someone has appreciated my work enough to publish it. The Big Book of Orgasms is certainly no exception, and I will admit that seeing editor Rachel Kramer Bussel proclaim that it is her favorite anthology of the many she’s edited elicited a special delight in me that one of my stories is a part of it. As has also been common, it is downright flattering to have a story alongside the other work in the volume. In this case, I’m especially thrilled to share pages with several new authors being published for the first time, such as Lady Cheeky, Andreas Amsterdam (both of whom I know and love in person!), and Jade A. Waters. I’m excited for all of them and delighted to have a story amidst their virgin forays into erotica publication!
I had read a number of reviews of The Big Book of Orgasms before I actually started reading it myself, and it has been a real delight to discover that they are not exaggerating. I have been struck by the exceptional range and diversity of this collection, as well as the sharp writing and ingenuity of the authors in composing these beautiful, fascinating, sizzling slices of orgasmic life.
My own story in the collection, “Payback,” was partially inspired by an online piece I read a few years ago by the lovely Lana Fox. (I do wish I could link to the piece, but if I recall correctly, it was on the former Good Vibrations Magazine site, many of whose archives disappeared after the site was infected with malware and relaunched last year.) As I recall, I interpreted Lana’s lamenting the phenomenon of young (or perhaps any) women not understanding their own sexual desires and/or how to express them and rather focusing almost solely on how to please the other. (I’m sure I’m not doing justice to the eloquence and depth with which she actually wrote!)
When I read it, it reminded me of something. That something, I feel somewhat sorry to say, was myself. Myself many years before, when I had fit that mold, which seems so sadly common as to almost be a cliche, rather cleanly.
“Payback” is not entirely autobiographical, but it has definite autobiographical strains. It is about a particular relationship I experienced at a time before I understood or felt confident enough about my own sexual desires for it to even occur to me to express them. In the midst of that experience, there was actually a parking lot where I gave a number of nonreciprocal blow jobs one summer (though I will note the narrator’s love of giving blow jobs both then and now is also autobiographical :)). I was still living in the area when I saw the construction start for the new hotel that now covers it.
The story diverges from literal autobiographical experience in its reunion and correlative, more cerebral reminiscences and revelations. The narrator’s recognition of her own growth is, naturally, front and center, but one of the things I particularly appreciate about the story is the reminder she receives at the end of Phillip’s humanity, too. The reminder or recognition of humanity—everyone’s—is something it has often felt compelling to me to express in fiction, and in this case my personal experience, the particular opportunity to showcase personal growth, and that reminder came together to create this story. It was one of those that was in my consciousness for some time before it actually came out in words, and I’m so glad it did just in time for me to submit it to this sublime volume (and that Rachel and Cleis accepted it!).
The Big Book of Orgasms is on sale in print and e-book formats now at the following retailers:







If you feel so inclined to pick it up, I hope you enjoy it as much as I have! Thanks so much for visiting my stop on the virtual tour, and be sure to check out the rest of the tour here. You may also follow the book on Twitter to keep up on all news, updates, and tour stop links. Happy reading!
Love,
Emerald
I felt a strange relief standing near Phillip, an absence of the needy pull I had experienced back then that had made me feel powerless whenever someone wanted something from me—even if it was something I was willing to give. I tossed the question back at him and noticed as he adjusted the crotch of his jeans. I couldn’t help a tiny smile as I wondered if it was because of me.
-from “Payback”
November 27, 2013
Recommended Reading #177: Non-Monogamy, Pt. IV
“Monogamy Isn’t Broken, But We Are” by Samantha on Not Your Mother’s Playground ( Relationship, Self-Awareness, Sex and Culture ) 10/25/13
I wholeheartedly agree with this and find it beautifully stated. If more of us caught on to this, I truly suspect it would shift the collective perception and experience of relationship—to a healthier, more open, more authentic place.
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“Why I Believe in Polyamory, But Still Feel It’s Problematic” by Frances Amaroux ( Relationship, Sex and Culture, Self-Awareness ) 10/21/13
I especially love #4 on the pro-polyamory list. I do feel truly nurturing and supportive relationships take emotional maturity in general, but I can see the author’s point that in our current cultural manifestation, non-monogamous orientations could seem to lean particularly on emotional maturity and/or self-awareness. Basically, I feel this piece offers relevant practical points about non-monogamy any who are interested in or practicing it may want or do well to consider.
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“Polyamory and a Sports Metaphor” by noblecaboose (Sex and Culture, Sociology, Relationship) 11/7/13
Pretty cool.
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November 24, 2013
“Bookshelf Porn” at Alison Tyler’s
Due to my attendance at an all-day event (and falling into bed after I got home) yesterday, I was online a total of about six minutes and didn’t get a chance to mention that kick-ass editor and author Alison Tyler featured pictures of what I call my “erotica cove” on her blog yesterday. See them here! I love it when AT asks for fun pictures. :)
She’s inviting all readers to send in pics of their own bookshelves (mine happens to be completely sex-related, but of course they don’t have to be!)—see her post here with the official solicitation if you’re interested! ;)
Love,
Emerald
I have a whole separate bookshelf just for my sex stuff. :)
-from my note to AT with my bookshelf pictures
November 21, 2013
To Shave or Not to Shave, That Is the—Wait a Minute, Who Cares?
I’ll be frank: this piece is about something I’ve found vaguely annoying for some time. I was reminded of it when I encountered a couple days ago yet another spielabout women’s pubic hair and why they’re supposedly doing and/or should or should not be doing whatever they’re doing with it.
I truly don’t understand what I’ve perceived as the intensity of some responses about the deliberate presence or absence of pubic hair. It seems to especially be an issue when it concerns female-bodied people removing their pubic hair or not, and I really don’t understand why anyone seems to think it’s his/her/their business what anyone else does with his/her/their pubic hair. Seriously, I am baffled by this.
I’ve seen some male-identified people say things like, “Please, stop shaving your pubic hair. We like it to be there!” (I’m not sure whether every man in the world congregated to let these particular ones know what they all like—and that it, astonishingly, happens to be the same thing—or how else any respective man feels justified proposing this, but that may be another post…or, perhaps, I’ll just let this little parenthetical speak for itself.) I’ve seen female-identified people, as well, seem to lament some current “style” of pubic hair for women and appear to proclaim what women “should” do with it.
In the case of the former, I don’t mean to burst your bubble, gentlemen, but I don’t shave my pubic hair because I think you like it or because you want me to or really because of you at all. I do it because I prefer it that way. Does that seem so surprising? For a variety of reasons, I prefer my vulva to be shaven, and I frankly don’t see that as anyone’s business but my own.
As far as the latter, if you don’t feel you need to or should need to remove your pubic hair to feel or look attractive, by all means don’t. I can hardly imagine why someone would feel pressured to do something with her/his/their pubic hair that was unwanted because of some perceived “style”—and I’ve worked as a porn performer, webcam model, and stripper. For whatever reason, I didn’t ever encounter pressure one way or the other (aside from customer requests) from anyone about what I did with my pubic hair in any of those contexts. I was generally either trimming or shaving at that time, so maybe that’s why, but I never interpreted anyone’s seeming to find it an issue or insist on anything one way or another.
When I got my hair cut last summer, I didn’t experience anyone’s saying to me, “Oh, dear, you cut your hair. I wish women would quit cutting their hair because they think it makes them more attractive to men! Please, just leave it long!” I presume that’s because it’s understood that it is up to me how to wear my hair and not the place of anyone else to suggest to me what I should do with it or why.
Why would that seem different with pubic hair? So what if something is “in style”? We don’t seem to complain a lot when people cut the hair on their heads a way that is in style. More to the point, why do we presume it is anyone’s business but the person’s in question what someone’s pubic hair “style” is?
Once in a great while I have encountered a piece on this subject I’ve found very cool—like this one from Alyssa Royse last year. But the very reason I find it cool is because it was obviously about what she wants to do and why. Why anyone would say much of anything else about pubic hair style, I truly don’t know.
Love,
Emerald
“Live right now, just be yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else…”
-Jimmy Eat World “The Middle”
November 20, 2013
Recommended Reading #176: Humanity and Inspiration, Pt. X
“Photographer Puts Two Strangers Together For Intimate Photographs, And The Results Are Surprising” by Sean Levinson (Recommended Watch, Non-Sex-Related, Sociology, Consciousness) 10/21/13
I cried watching this. I feel such personal, profound gratitude to this photographer for doing this, and I love that it is available for us to witness via this video.
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“Resolution” by Anne Almasy (Relationship, Sociology, Professionalism, Capitalism) 2/25/13
I found this honest and beautiful. I was especially struck that even though I myself feel little to no interest in marriage, I still saw and felt very moved by the overarching point of her message.
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“‘Princess Bride’ star Patinkin reveals his favorite line in the film” on CBS This Morning [autoplay warning] (Recommended Watch, Non-Sex-Related, Self-Awareness) Undated
I simply adore this. I do understand the draw of the first line he mentions, but it doesn’t resonate so much with me for the exact reason he gives after he states his own favorite line toward the end.
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