Steven Colborne's Blog, page 53

Free for one more week

Good morning, friends. I just wanted to publish a reminder that my theological essay entitled The Only Question You Ever Need Ask is available as a free download for one more week only. After that time it will go on sale through a range of retailers in physical and digital formats.

I’ve already had some very encouraging feedback on this essay, and I recommend it as essential reading for anyone interested in questions surrounding salvation, the character of God, and the doctrine of hell.

Click the cover below to download a PDF copy of the essay, or visit this page for further information. Responses are welcome and encouraged via the comments section on that same page, or via email.

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Stream of Consciousness (31/05/2020)

So, another stream of consciousness. Who knows whether or not I will publish this. I will be perfectly honest because I don’t have to publish it if there are things that are too private.

Wow, this week has been awesome. I have been changed for the better, I feel. Meeting Claudia has been a tremendous blessing, one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It’s odd, I believe that all human beings deep down want to love everyone unconditionally, but I believe this good intention gets muddied by social conditioning and other types of conditioning like advertising.

It sometimes takes a conversation with someone who is grounded in a deep sense of honesty and love to break us out of our psychological prisons and return us to a place of living with honesty from the heart.

What Claudia has taught me is that it’s okay to tell people I love them, when what I feel towards them is love. I feel love towards so many people, and since meeting Claudia I have been able to share these feelings with people more confidently than ever before. And the great thing about it is that it makes them feel better, and it makes me feel better.

Perfect love casts out fear — I believe that’s a scripture from the Bible.

I’m thinking about publishing another book, a compilation of all my essays and articles since 2012 when I started Perfect Chaos. This will be a really big book, and I wouldn’t expect to sell many copies, but it would give me a physical record of everything important I’ve written so if the internet ever goes down, or I have to go offline for any reason, there will always be physical copies of my work to refer to. I also like the idea of having published a big fat 800 page book that will give me a sense of achievement for all the hard work I’ve put in over the years. I’ve already designed a cover for this book which I absolutely love. I put out a call for someone to format the book on Fiverr and UpWork and I met a lovely Indian girl who is very kind and articulate and interested in formatting the book for me, and within my small budget. I’m so grateful for her, she is a superstar. I hope this project goes ahead.

I have been drinking so much spicy chai today, as usual. And eating too many biscuits. I don’t feel too healthy at the moment but love is keeping me sane and positive. I had some quality prayer time today, and I’ve been praying every day, and in general I feel very happy at the moment.

I haven’t been staying up to date with the news because the lockdown and the coronavirus stuff is too depressing. I don’t really see the point in logging on to BBC News every day when every time I do I just feel awful. I wish it were possible to stay on top of events without having to check the news. I did pray about this and God said it’s okay not to check the news.

These are the main thoughts on my mind right now. I’m going to bed soon, I think. It’s been sunny for the last few days which has been nice but I’ve hardly gone outside. I feel so blessed to live in a spacious flat where I don’t feel claustrophobic and I have Internet access and can keep in touch with people on my phone.

I am incredibly sad and fearful for the world, though. That hasn’t changed. I have been praying for world leaders and that God will raise up leaders who are compassionate and loving and who honour God. Either that or that He will give our current world leaders a change of heart so they act out of love and not fear. There are so many broken people in the world, and I’m scared that many of the people in power don’t realise the harm they are causing. The thing is, I know God is in control. That’s the only reason why I can remain happy in these times. God is working out a plan for creation, and I believe that God is a God of love and peace, and so I don’t have to ever despair too much.

The above stream of consciousness is unedited (although I did give it a quick read through before publishing and changed a couple of glaring typos) so there may well be mistakes. My intention with these posts is just to do a kind of mind dump, just as one would do in a diary. I hope that by being honest and vulnerable in this way I will encourage others to do the same. Thank you for reading!

An Examination of the Practice of Boasting

“How I sold 20,000 copies of my book in a month!”

Have you ever seen a YouTube video or blog post titled in a way similar to the sentence quoted above? Such statements reflect a distorted view of reality, which I would like to discuss in this blog post.

When a person is in a bookstore, or browsing the virtual shelves of Amazon, and they make a decision to purchase a book, to what extent is the author of the book responsible for that purchasing decision? And when the popularity of a book skyrockets, what is the reason for this?

We can look at this in a few different ways.

An author might feel that their book was purchased because the content is great. There may have been a big marketing budget behind the book, causing it to be seen in many places. There might be a cover which is alluring. There might have been a great deal of word of mouth praise surrounding the book. All of the above would be reasons that are commonly understood to have contributed to a reader’s purchasing decision.

However, we can look at things in a slightly different way, with reference to the nature of God.

Let us take the example of advertising. What is it that causes an advertisement to have an influence on an individual? After I spent some time investigating the nature of human perception, I came to understand that God is in control of the way we perceive things. As I argued in this video, it is God who causes thoughts to arise in our minds, and it is also God who causes our emotional reactions to the things we see and hear, as well as our memories.

What I have said in the preceding paragraph is one aspect of an understanding I have developed which is that God is in control of our lives in their entirety. Rather than creation unfolding as a series of causes and effects, I believe all that exists in reality is an ‘eternal now’, which is not ontologically distinct from God. Now is all that exists, and God is all that exists, and on an absolute level, there is no distinction between the two. This being so, the truth is that creation is contained within God, and therefore everything that exists is a part of God, and under God’s control.

The boast I described at the top of this article would only make sense if an author was responsible for everything that led to a purchasing decision. If this is not the case, then to say ‘I’ sold 20,000 books is disingenuous. It would be more correct to say, ‘God caused 20,000 people to buy the book that He wrote through me”.

Seeing the purchasing decision as a result of promotional activity is one way of looking at things. But consider this. Isn’t it the case that what caused someone to buy a copy of your book was that they got out of bed at a certain time, had enough breakfast for them to have the energy to go out, had a phone call from a friend who said they should read more, finished work early so they had time to go to the bookstore, etc. All of these things can be seen to have contributed to a single purchasing decision.

So really, your book sales are never in your hands. If we look at the purchasing decision being a result of causes and effects (a kind of deterministic view), then there is no end to the things which we could say contributed to it. There are literally an infinite number of things that could be said to have contributed to any single event.

Does this mean that crafting a great book and promoting it is irrelevant?

Well, it might be true that one of the ways in which God operates is in a ‘you get out what you put in’ kind of way. So, if an author has laboured over their work, and if a big team of people has been working on every aspect of the book release process, God may cause the book to have more success for these reasons. Maybe, but not necessarily.

The real truth is that anything that contributed to your reader’s purchasing decision was under God’s direct control, as God (who I describe as the cosmic animator) is in control of everything we ever do. No matter how much an author attempts to figure out or boast about what made their book sell so many copies, they are merely fabricating; they should really just give up and thank God, for God is the only true cause of their success.

This post is part of my Praise and Prose series, which looks at the way we use language, especially in matters of faith and spirituality, and whether we could change our language in order to be more truthful. To follow this series, please consider subscribing. Thank you for reading!

(Image by StartupStockPhotos from Pixabay)

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Forgive and Remember

Never forget that your father muttered hatred towards you under his breath while you were within earshot. Never forget that your father called your mother a “stupid b*tch” under his breath, crushing her feelings while we were all seated at the dining room table. Never forget those staring eyes, which directed anger at your mother until she could only look down at the floor, crushed in her spirit. Never forget that your father slapped your sister on the face at the dinner table. Never forget that your father flirted with waitresses while sat at the restaurant table next to your heartbroken mother.

Forgive, but never forget.

Always remember that there are two sides to every story. Always remember that your father has probably suffered a lot in his life. Always remember that behind every man’s anger is a sadness that he is unable to express. Always remember that he would like to love you if he only knew how. Always remember that just as you love music, and dancing, and loving other people, so does your father.

Always remember, and trust in God.

This piece of writing is dedicated to my soulmate Claudia, who is the most amazing person I have ever met. Never have I encountered such a depth of compassion and bravery in a fellow human being. Claudia, may God bless your soul always. Having met you, I am changed forever

God and Judgement

Welcome to the latest post in my Praise and Prose series, which explores the way in which we use language – particularly in matters of faith and spirituality – and how our language might evolve to better reflect reality.

One should never argue against a perceived wrong with language like “God will judge them”. A statement of this kind implies the existence of free will — that an action was undertaken freely which God will judge. In reality, God is sovereign over all events, so He caused the action you are claiming should be judged.

In wishing judgement upon another person, then, you are wishing judgement upon yourself, because your situation is no different to that of the person who you hope will be punished – you have done nothing freely in the same way as they have done nothing freely.

Well, the Christian might argue, how can one make sense of society if there is no culpability for our actions? Wouldn’t there simply be anarchy? Only if human beings are fundamentally evil. This is a topic I explore in depth in my new essay.

It is clear that God does put people in prison, otherwise they wouldn’t be there. But I have a vision of a future which is quite different, and where crime and punishment are seen in a new light which focuses on transforming the beliefs and character of people who cause distress to others, rather than seeing them as criminals.

In my view, rather than labelling precious human beings as criminals, it makes more sense to view a person’s life as a spiritual journey being unfolded by God. Your life is not something for which you should feel personally responsible. My previous post in this series, entitled Why Regret is Illogical, looks at this matter in more depth.

The way our Western democracies are structured is based on the Judeo-Christian principles found in the Bible, which reflect the idea that human beings are naturally evil. This is only one way of looking at humanity. An alternative perspective is that human beings are fundamentally compassionate, and they only do wrong to others due to certain lies about reality which they have come to believe through conditioning.

In terms of the way we use language, which is the focus of this blog series, my suggestion would be that the words ‘crime’ and ‘criminal’ should not be a part of our vocabularies, because they demonstrate a lack of compassion and ignore the reality that God is sovereign over all events and loves every single being He has created.

The orthodox Christian view is that we are all sinners under the wrath of God. But when we come to understand the truth of God’s sovereignty over all events, it makes no sense to argue that God is angry. If He were angry with us, He would be angry over actions which He has caused to happen by His own free will, an idea which is highly illogical.

If God is not angry at you, then you have nothing to fear, and if you have nothing to fear, why would you ever harm another human being?

My newly published essay entitled ‘The Only Question You Ever Need Ask’ looks at the themes discussed in this post in more depth. You can download the essay for free for a limited time from this page. Thank you for reading.

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A Theological Surprise

Greetings, friends and followers. As I mentioned in a recent post, I’ve been working on an essay that goes deeper into the Christian doctrine of hell. This is certainly a topic that provokes a passionate response, and this is very understandable – I’m not sure whether there could be a more important subject for theologically minded people to consider.

I was expecting to publish the essay some time around June 12th, which was the date I agreed with my editor would be the deadline for her work. However, she is an absolute superstar and got back to me within a couple of days having done a very impressive job of highlighting my oversights.

After spending the weekend finalising the essay, I’m delighted to let you all know that you can read it as of right now by visiting this page. The title of the essay is The Only Question You Ever Need Ask.

I consider the essay to be one of the most important things I’ve ever written, mainly because after writing it I am now feeling a sense of peace in relation to some theological issues which many of you know I’ve been struggling with for years.

Responses to the essay are welcome and encouraged, but all of that is explained on the aforementioned page. The essay comes in the form of a PDF download, and will be available for free for two weeks, after which time it will go on sale through all my usual distributors. So if you’re interested in what I have to say, don’t hesitate to download a free copy while you can.

One last time, here’s the link to the page here on Perfect Chaos which hosts the essay. Looking forward to getting your thoughts.

Ownership and the Fear-Based State

Today’s post is another instalment in my Praise and Prose series, which looks at how the language we use — particularly in matters of faith and spirituality — might evolve in order to better reflect reality.

A person may spend 40 years working hard to pay off a mortgage, so they can ‘own’ their home. But in reality — beyond the level of societal constructs — you will never own your home, because everything that exists belongs to God.

The idea of property enslaves us. We fear going to prison — that’s the only reason why we work hard to pay off our mortgage, and the only reason why the concept of property means anything. We live in a fear-based world.

True freedom is freedom from the fear of going to jail. But if there was no fear of going to jail, wouldn’t this result in anarchy? Only if people are fundamentally evil, and if without the law, we would all want to fight and kill each other.

In some areas of the animal kingdom, we witness a constant fight to the death for the purpose of obtaining food and territory. One need only consider the hunter lion, by way of example, or the spider who constructs their web in order to murder insects. Perhaps such examples would support an argument as to why it’s a good thing that we have law and order, and the concept of ownership.

But are human beings really the same as these animals? Aren’t we different, and isn’t this evidenced in the fact that we use language, and have the capacity for logical thinking and compassionate reflection?

Perhaps what we need is a radical approach to education. If studying philosophy was central to eduction from a young age, people would be more open-minded and more willing to question the system into which they have been born.

If people are taught the logic that compassion and love for others makes them happier in themselves, and if they truly understand this, they will live a life of service, rather than a life desperately trying to avoid going to prison, which is often, paradoxically, one of the main reasons why people end up in prison, as the prison system creates so much fear, which leads to anger, suffering, and hate.

Caring for other people makes us happier. It is a ‘win-win’ situation; the person expressing love and the person receiving love both benefit. In an education system where feelings are explored and valued and understood, rather than simply the learning of so-called “facts” about history, society would be infinitely more compassionate — there would be less selfishness, greed, and fear, and less violence. Then, we could reconsider the idea of ownership and mortgages, and rebuild society with love of neighbour as the guiding principle.

All too often, the capitalist system utterly destroys people’s wellbeing. Perhaps a few lucky ones escape serious depression, suicide, sickness, or prison, because they are fortunate enough to meet a mentor, such as a psychological therapist, who can educate them in a different way to the State education system. All too often, however, the system crushes people’s spirits, making them selfish, competitive, aggressive, fearful, and mentally and physically unwell.

Come on, humans. Can we not do better? Are we really going to settle for this ridiculous state of affairs which benefits no one? We need serious change.

I cannot imagine that it would be difficult to develop a society where resources are distributed to meet the basic needs of everyone, and where love of God, and love of neighbour, are central. We just need to be open to the possibility, and lovingly strive to help others to see the logic of it.

Perhaps one way in which we can begin to create change is by highlighting, through our use of language, the absurdity of the idea of ownership. If you visit a friend, and they say “look at my plant!”, you might ask them, “do you own the soil?”. They might think about it, and say “no”. Then you might ask your friend, “do you own the sunlight that makes the plant grow?”. They might think about it, and say “no”. “Do you own the water?”, you might ask. And so on. “Then you might want to consider whether or not you really own this plant, or whether all the things which you claim are yours are really the property of God”, you might say.

I can imagine that simply by making your friend question the idea of property in this way, their defensiveness about their possessions would begin to melt away. This, in turn, would lead them to feel less possessive, and therefore more compassionate, which could benefit their self-esteem and their relationships considerably. They might also be more open to the idea that there is a God to whom we are indebted for everything that brings us joy.

The next time you have a guest over, and wish to celebrate the beauty of the plant which is in the home where you live, why not say, “Look at God’s plant!” rather than “Look at my plant!”? This would be entirely more truthful, and might even be a pleasant and transformative thing for your friend to hear.

What are your thoughts on the idea of ownership? Feel free to let me know in the comments below. To view the other posts in this Praise and Prose series, click here, and if you’d like to receive an email for every new post on this blog, please consider subscribing. Thank you for reading!

(Image by Shahid Abdullah from Pixabay)

My Plans for this Blog

I thought I would just give a general update and share my thoughts on the direction I’m going to be taking with Perfect Chaos moving forward. A precursory note is that my plans may change, because life is unpredictable. As the saying goes, we make plans, God laughs.

The last couple of posts, my stream of consciousness post and the follow-up post entitled ‘Three Perspectives’, offer a good picture of where I am at theologically right now. I decided to open comments for these posts (after a few weeks of closing comments). I knew they were provocative posts, and the discussions were lively.

I want to apologise for any hurt feelings. Normally, I practise patience to the best of my ability in all my interactions, but with these posts I decided I would respond frankly to comments. This is never a wise thing to do, but I wanted there to be discussions which reflected different view points and my responses to objections.

I mentioned in my Three Perspectives post that I’ve written a new essay for this blog, and I said I was looking for an editor. I have found an editor who will be working on the essay over the next couple of weeks. The essay really gets to the heart of the way I see things theologically and philosophically right now. It’s not too long (about 8500 words) and I intend to publish it here as soon as it’s ready.

What recent discussions in the comments have taught me is that I’m no longer enjoying the process of discussing theology with people. I feel as though I have done that to the point of exhaustion. I have been blogging since 2012 and published over 450 articles here, the majority of which have involved theological discussions in the comments. So there has been a lot of discussion; discussion which I hope will be of benefit to any new readers in the future.

I have paid for a WordPress Premium subscription for the next five years. They normally only offer an annual subscription but a support person (happiness engineer, as they call themselves) kindly allowed me to pay for five years upfront. This is reassuring for me, as it means that whatever happens to me, my blog will likely still be here, ad free, for anyone who’s interested in visiting.

My feeling is that when I have published this new essay, I will turn my focus away from blogging and onto some other projects. One thing I’m planning to do, as some of you know, is record audiobook versions of some of my books (see this post). That will keep me busy for a while. I may continue with the Praise and Prose series for a while, as I already have some future posts mapped out for that series. But as for the meaty philosophical matters at the heart of this blog, I feel as though I’m not wanting to get into debates any more, and that we’ve covered most of the major topics of theology that I feel are relevant to my calling.

I’m not going to say I will be stopping posting altogether. I have many plans for the future, of which Perfect Chaos is likely to be a part. But I anticipate I will be posting less frequently, and will try to reorganise the blog a little so what I regard as my most important posts are easy to find, and the less important ones (updates like this!) will be hidden away or deleted.

Apologies, once again, for being too frank in my comments. I will try to pop the lid back on and turn the heat down, so you can expect my usual simmer in the future rather than a boiling up of emotions (not sure where the metaphor came from, I guess it must be lunch time!).

God bless you all, you are all so important to me. Thank you with my whole heart for your interest in my writing, and your love of Truth.

(Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay)

Three Perspectives

Following on from my recent stream of consciousness post, I wanted to briefly articulate my predicament about Christianity a little more clearly and thoughtfully. Kind comments are welcome.

I will present three perspectives related to the doctrine of hell. The same presupposition is behind each of these scenarios, which is that God is in control of everything that happens, which I have no doubt is the absolute truth. For my arguments in relation to this, see this article and/or my book, God’s Grand Game.

PERSPECTIVE 1

1) God is sovereign over all events

2) Therefore, God is the author of sin

3) Therefore, Christianity only makes sense if double predestination is true

4) Double predestination is an incredibly cruel doctrine

5) I don’t believe God is incredibly cruel

6) Therefore, orthodox Biblical Christianity must be rejected

PERSPECTIVE 2

An alternative perspective is that God IS incredibly cruel, and we must accept the doctrine of double predestination, thereby acknowledging God’s cruelty, while simultaneously enjoying the promise of salvation. One problem that results from this perspective is that it’s hard to reconcile the idea that God predestines people to hell before they are even born with Jesus’ teachings about love.

PERSPECTIVE 3

We could try to make sense of Christianity without the doctrine of hell, thus preserving God’s goodness and also some of the teachings of Christ. We couldn’t embrace ALL the teachings of Christ under this scenario, because Jesus taught the doctrine of hell (see the parable of Lazarus and the rich man, Luke 16:19-31). We would have to embrace universalism (the idea that all will be saved) as the only form of Christianity that makes sense.

A few days ago I wrote an essay which goes into depth in relation to the various arguments presented in this article. I’m trying to find an editor for the essay and then I will publish it on this blog and invite readers’ feedback.

(Image by StockSnap from Pixabay)

Stream of Consciousness

The words of Jesus are absolutely compelling. But the fact that we do not have free will is absolutely compelling. God tells me one thing, which is very compelling. The Bible tells me something different, which is very compelling.

I have ambitions, through which I aim to alleviate suffering. Sometimes this seems noble. But then I am struck by the fear of acting in a way that is not totally submitted to Jesus.

The warnings of hellfire carry weight because the teaching of Jesus is so compelling. Yet when I commit to follow Jesus I soon remember that because we have no free will, the idea of sin doesn’t make sense, which is key to the teaching of Jesus.

So I think, the Bible must be wrong. I almost feel certain of this. I lay out logical thought processes which convince me that Biblical theology is illogical. But then I consider that the Bible describes everlasting torment for those who don’t believe.

I consider everlasting torment and how cruel it would make God. Yet I also know there is great joy in following Jesus. But how can God punish people in hell for acts that He, by His sovereign will has caused them to do?

So I consider God wouldn’t be so cruel as to send people to hell. But then this is to deny the teaching of Jesus, who claims to be God. And yet Jesus seems kind, which makes me think God must be merciful. But then I consider hell, and that God is willing to show no mercy to some, according to Scripture.

But all I have to do is put my faith in Jesus to avoid damnation? No, for I must also pick up my cross and follow Him, which could involve great suffering, even martyrdom. But surely this is preferable to eternal punishment. All the martyrs of the past chose worldly suffering over eternal suffering.

But then there are martyrs for Islam as well as Christianity. How am I to make sense of that? I consider this and reflect that surely God has a role for every human being, not just those who follow Jesus, and He unfolds the lives of Muslims and atheists, as well as Christians.

Then I consider the doctrine of double predestination, and how it is the only way to understand Christianity if God is sovereign over all events. But it is such a cruel doctrine, and I don’t want to accept that God would be cruel.

Here lies Martin Elginbrod

Have mercy on my soul Lord God

As I would do were I Lord God

And ye were Martin Elginbrod

Are all Christians as afraid of God as I am? Why is God so frightening if He’s a loving God?

The Bible speaks of God’s wrath over sin. Why then, does He not just unfold a universe without sin? If hell exists, and God is sovereign, He must choose to damn people. Even though He has been in control of everything they’ve ever done.

But the Christian will say, we DO have free will. No, Christian, we don’t. When you pray to God, Christian, you ask Him for things that prove that you know He is in control of your life in its entirety. You pray for Him to bless your marriage, your children, your spiritual life, your job. And then you claim at the same time you have free will? Christian, you are in error. You say ‘God is in control’ because that comforts you, but then you say ‘We have free will’ because the Bible teaches sin. This is a logical contradiction at the very heart of the Christian faith, which I cannot ignore.

But maybe I should ignore this contradiction, and adopt the position of Pascal and his wager? Even if Christianity makes no sense at all, maybe I should just do my best to live in accordance with Biblical theology? Yes, that’s what I should do. But then, despite my prayers for peace and clarity, the free will problem comes up again, and I am certain that we don’t have free will.

Look, it’s obvious. God’s being is boundless. He is omnipresent. There is not a place where the being of God ends and freedom from God begins. There is nothing outside of God’s control. I know the to be true. We do not have free will.

The solid truth that we do not have free will is a knock down argument against Christianity, isn’t it? Or perhaps, in line with Pascal’s wager, I must ignore this truth and believe the gospel, because that is my only chance of avoiding hellfire.

Yes, that’s it. I must obey Jesus. The words of Jesus are so compelling. “I am the way, the truth, and the life” “I am the light of the world” “I am the bread of life” “The only way to the Father is through the Son”.

Well, either these claims of Jesus must be true, or they aren’t. They are incredibly persuasive, especially in the context of the whole Bible. But maybe those people who compiled the Bible did so in such a way as to make it as convincing as possible. Maybe they left out all the contradictory and troublesome bits, and put together something theologically cohesive just to make the argument for Christianity as compelling as possible. Bart Ehrman and others have studied the Bible in incredible depth, and come to the conclusion that it is not trustworthy, so why shouldn’t I agree with them?

Oh gosh, Jesus said ‘He who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God’, that means I can’t be fit, because of these thoughts that I am having that are doubting the veracity of the Christian faith. But God is controlling these thoughts, so there’s nothing I can do about it.

I suppose God might want to damn me. Then there’s nothing I can do. Does God want to damn me because I can’t make up my mind about Christianity? But He is the one who is causing me to not make up my mind, so why doesn’t He just make me make up my mind?

Perhaps all of this questioning is a demonstration of my fear of God, and my love of Truth, which would be something that would please God. Perhaps the most important thing in life is to be kind, to do good, and to love my my neighbour as myself. Then it doesn’t seem so important that everything I do is in line with Biblical theology, I just have to love people.

Didn’t Jesus say that the whole of the law is to love God and love my neighbour? I think I do love God and love my neighbour, so maybe I am safe. But the Christian would say loving God means loving the Christian God, and loving the Christian God means being submitted to Jesus, and I don’t think I am fully submitted to Jesus, otherwise I wouldn’t be thinking like this.

Actually, come to think of it, do I even know Jesus? In the past I have been so immersed in Christian life in a very genuine way. I have sung songs about my love of Jesus in a very genuine way. I have preached about Jesus to others in a very genuine way.

Perhaps I am a backslider, but I hate that term, because it doesn’t appreciate my struggle. I am not backsliding, I am trying to establish TRUTH. But yes, there it is again, Jesus is the way, the TRUTH and the life, so I must follow Him.

But actually, so what if Jesus said He is the truth. If someone else says they are the truth, then should I follow them? Why are Jesus’ words to be believed over and above anyone else?

Well, the Christian would say, because Jesus is God. Well that settles things, doesn’t it? If Jesus is God then He has all authority. But the Muslims claim that calling Jesus God is the worst sin there is. There are a billion Muslims who believe this. So are these Muslims going to hell? Or are all Christians going to hell, because claiming God has a son is blasphemy? Muslims believe this! What if they are right?

If the Muslims are correct and Jesus is a prophet, then maybe Christians should be more humble. Perhaps if Christians were to embrace Jesus as a prophet, then common ground could be found among Muslims and Christians. Perhaps the divinity of Jesus is a fabrication.

But there are compelling scriptures in the Bible that demonstrate Jesus really did claim to be God, so how are we to know? Perhaps we cannot know for sure, and that is why we have to have faith. So I suppose I must put my faith in Jesus, and do my best to wholeheartedly follow Him. But I am not in control of whether I do that or not, it is God who controls that.

My goodness, my Christian readers are going to think I am an awful person for wrestling so much about things which they find relatively easy. The scripture comes to mind about the man who built his house on the sand, it had no foundations. I suppose that’s what my Christian readers will think of me — Steven is such an idiot because he can’t just put his faith in Jesus and make the commitment.

But Christian, God is in control of my life, I have no choice in the matter! Maybe some Christian readers think that’s a cheap cop out. But God know the truth of the matter, which is that I am being completely honest.

I get excited when I think about my plans for the future. But I don’t know whether my plans line up properly with biblical theology. Maybe it’s selfish have plans and dreams. But don’t they come from God? Doesn’t every thought we have come from God? Of course it does. But this means God must want me to be struggling with all these issues.

Perhaps God does want me to struggle with these issues, because He is refining my character and teaching me about Christianity through my struggles. Yes, that would make sense. That is a comforting thought, that all of this might be part of God’s plan, and that He doesn’t hate me.

Why would God hate me? He has made me exactly the way I am.

I’m so tired of this struggle. Sometimes I enjoy the struggle, sometimes I hate it. I love my writing, because I think it contains important and deep insights. But then the Christian might say that any book which doesn’t reflect submission to Jesus is pointless. Maybe I should burn every copy of every book I have written that doesn’t demonstrate submission to Jesus.

But hang on, another thought. Within Christianity there are countless denominations and countless viewpoints. Isn’t Roman Catholicism the only true faith? That’s what Roman Catholics believe. But then Roman Catholics often talk about how everyone will be saved eventually, perhaps after a spell of purification in purgatory. Perhaps I should commit to Catholicism because it’s the largest Christian denomination… can all those Catholics really be wrong?

But the idea of the Pope! All those fancy robes and the way people worship him. Protestant Christians hate all that. It certainly doesn’t seem to line up with the teaching of Jesus.

Which reminds me, I haven’t taken communion for ages. Maybe some Christian readers will think that’s another reason why I’m struggling. Perhaps my Anglican readers would think that, because communion is a big part of the way they practice Christianity.

But then my friends in Hillsong church barely ever take communion, and they don’t think it’s important to do it regularly, although they do once a month or once every two months. They are much more relaxed about it than the Anglicans.

I think some Christians sin all week long, and then they take communion on a Sunday and say a few prayers, and thereby are cleansed from their sins, which they then go off and commit again. Well, perhaps this is okay? Or are they living a lie?

This feels good to be getting my thoughts out in the open. But it hasn’t brought me any closer to settling my predicament. Do I embrace Christianity or don’t I?

I will have to make a decision soon, because God surely hates indecision. Even though He is causing my indecision, I am 100% certain of that.

Look, I must be taking all of this way too seriously. 99% of the people on the planet don’t care at all about these things. They just get on with their lives. Agonising over Christianity in this way must make me very strange. But actually, it doesn’t feel strange because it is honest. And anyway, the Bible talks about entering through the narrow gate, which leads me to think only a small number of people will be saved, so all those people who are getting on with their lives are going to end up in hell anyway.

But actually, maybe it’s the case that even if someone has lived a life of sin, entirely outside of the Christian faith, but then on their deathbed confesses Jesus, they will go to heaven and everything will be fine for them? God could certainly choose for that to happen. God can do whatever He pleases. Maybe to God, someone who lives their entire life in sin but then repents on their deathbed, is just as valuable as someone who tries to do good works for their entire life.

Protestants argue that works are not important, but are a natural sign of true faith. Roman Catholics on the other hand argue that works are crucial. So either millions of Catholics are wrong, or millions of Protestants are wrong. So how am I to know which denomination to choose?

Maybe I need to find a spiritual guru to support me with these struggles. I tried talking to a priest in Wandsworth about panentheism but he didn’t say anything helpful. I think most of the people in the Anglican church who are priests don’t even consider half the things that I do. Not that I should be judging them.

I think about my relationships, and how they have always been much better when I have been following Jesus. There is always a joy when one feels one is serving the Lord. When I’m serving Jesus I become more aware that I must honour my father and mother. Well, my mother passed away long ago, but I become more aware that I should honour my father. It’s easy to forgive others when one is conscious of God’s forgiveness.

Actually, that’s quite reassuring. Maybe God is forgiving. But then why does He damn people to hell?

Okay folks, I’ll leave it there. This was a stream of consciousness and I haven’t re-read it or edited it at all, I’m just going to publish it as is. So it will be full of errors. When I started writing I wasn’t really planning to publish this as a blog post, but it could be interesting for readers to see the kind of things that I’ve been wrestling with. If you read the whole thing, let me know in the comments (you deserve a reward!) I doubt many people will, though, it is rather lengthy.

(Image by cgrape from Pixabay)