Essa Alroc's Blog, page 33

Forum Wars; An Exercise in Idiocy

Good morning/early afternoon everyone. Essa is up with laryngitis from chain smoking and a deep feeling of shame over what I did last night.

Nope, there isn’t a hot dude passed out in my bed. If that were the case, I think we all know I would just take a picture and post it online, no shame involved.

Nope, what I did was so much worse than sex with a random stranger. I got involved in a forum war. It was in the kindle direct forum, where a lot of self published authors go to get advice, share sales numbers, ect. I went to get some advice on increasing British market sales for my book, which are almost non existent. I got a lot of great tips and a couple of people in the forum even bought my book.

As I was wandering out the forum door, glowing from the unexpectedly pleasant experience, I saw a thread that was clearly designed to be, for lack of a better word, ‘flame bait’. The only purpose of this thread was to start an argument. I clicked on it with only the intention of reading the post and enjoying the drama.

But suddenly, 4 beers in, responding seemed like a great idea. For anyone who has ever been in a flame war, you know that, like the Mafia, once your in, its very difficult to get out. Long story short, I was up until 3 am trading drunken barbs with a stranger. Really bad drunken barbs. I might have called his mother a prostitute several times. He might have accused me of giving myself an abortion with a coat hanger (or suggested I do…but that wouldn’t really make sense because I’m not pregnant) From there, the conversation deteriorated pretty quickly.

Here’s the thing. They guy I was arguing with is known for his flame wars. He generally has 2 or 3 going on at the same time and he always does it with the intention of starting a fight. Which makes we wonder why? Is he just attention seeking? Or is there a method to his madness?

To explain, let me bring up the case study of one “Honey Boo Boo”. As many might know, Honey Boo Boo is currently famous for being famous. She’s a pageant baby with an overweight mom, pregnant teen sister and some serious redneck routes. Right now, she has one of the most popular shows on (snort) the Learning Channel. Why? It’s not because people like her and her family and want them to succeed. It’s because people like making fun of them.

But who’s really laughing? Everyone who wants to point and laugh at the yokels? Or the yokels themselves who are easily making 6 figures just to be the subject of some ridicule?

Is any publicity good publicity? I will tell you, when I was participating in the flame war shenanigans, I did see a moderate bump in my book sales. Was is a coincidence or was my bad behavior being rewarded by increased name recognition? Despite the fact that this ‘flame king’ is an indie author whose book is priced on par with those of trade publications, he still manages to stay in the top 100k. It might not sound like an impressive number, but he’s selling at least one or two books every other day. That ain’t bad for a high priced book.

But is it really worth it? Is he getting sales because he’s a great writer, or is he getting sales because he’s infamous? In the time I spent sucked into this guy’s vortex of crazy, I could have been working on my sequel. If I keep going at this rate, I’ll have no choice but the spam the boards with my own flame bait posts and hope that psychotic sells.

But psychotic is generally short lived. Honey Boo Boo isn’t going to be around in 10 years. She probably won’t even be around in 2. People will be tired of her shenanigans because she’s not building something that will last. She’s a joke and eventually, any joke, no matter how funny, won’t be funny anymore.

So I’ve decided not to go the trashy route. I’m not going to lurk in forums and participate in flame wars and I’m a bit annoyed at myself for getting sucked in at all. I have little enough free time as it is and I don’t need to spend it insulting someone I don’t even know, playing along and bumping his numbers for his own crazy ends. Instead, I’m going back to working on my book and reminding myself that just because I’m an indie author doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still be a professional.

Also, I would like everyone to note that I managed to get the word ‘shenanigans’ into this post three times. It’s going to be a good day.

Everything You Wanted to Know About BDSM…But Were Afraid to Ask

So, thanks to the recent popularity of a certain novel that we all know I hate, some myths have been created regarding a certain sexual culture that I believe need to be dispelled.

You might be surprised to hear me say this, being Essa on Everything, but sometimes, even Ms. Everything doesn’t actually know, well…everything. That is why I have enlisted the help of one of my favorite bloggers to answer some questions regarding BDSM, or as it is frequently referred to, the Leather Culture.

You all may know Alejandro De Le Garza as one of our resident experts on politics and news. However, this sexy, flag wearing, mustached man is also an student of something a little darker and a lot more interesting. The Leather Culture, AKA BDSM.  Recently, he has been kind enough to help me answer some questions I’ve had regarding a whole underground sexual culture that has been recently brought to light thanks to 50 Shades…regardless of how inaccurate.

 

 

First off, can you tell us a little background about your experience in the leather culture? How did you first get introduced to it?

I have to be honest and tell you that I’m not too steeped in the leather / BDSM lifestyle.  But, I got introduced pretty much on my own.  I just saw some erotic magazines and adult films where it was displayed prominently.  It’s interesting, but the leather lifestyle often is linked to 2 subsets of American society: the gay/lesbian/bisexual community and pornography.  I think this is why some people have an aversion to it; they view it as perverted and obscene.  In reality, the leather culture just allows for sexual freedom.  The primary rule is safe, sane and consensual.  Safe in that no one’s physical, mental or emotional health is placed in jeopardy.  Sane in that everyone involved knows exactly what they’re doing and understands what’s going on in that relationship or setting.  If they’re a novice, it is up to the veteran to explain matters to that person.  Consensual in that everyone is an able-minded adult who gives full and total consent to the situation.  No one is forced into it or forced to stay in it, and no one is forced to do anything where they don’t feel comfortable.  Trust is the essential element in the leather culture.  But, it’s actually essential to any relationship; it’s what stabilizes that union – whether it’s a friendship, a romance, or a business interaction.  Trust is always paramount.  But, I think the outlandish appearance of the leather culture pushes the element of trust to the forefront.  People assume a level of trust in other relationships; sometimes to a fault.  But, because leather is such a fringe lifestyle, people involved in it want to assure newcomers that they can be trusted.

Trust, of course, is also tied in with respect.  And, respect is mutual.  You have to show respect, if you want to receive it.  No one rightfully can expect someone to respect them, if they’re not willing to respect others as well.  As with trust, if that level of respect is violated, then the relationship is compromised.

 

Is there a structure to the lifestyle? Do submissive always stay submissive, dominants always stay dominant?

This depends on the individual, or the individual couple.  Many people retain their respective dominant or submissive roles simply because they feel comfortable with it.  You’d be surprised, though, who’s either dominant or submissive in their private lives.  Someone can be very meek and humble outwardly, but assume the dominant role in more personal settings.  The opposite is true for a submissive.  Some are actually very powerful public figures, but they may relish giving control to someone else in their private lives because they’re tired of having to make decisions all the time.  This is true for many people across the spectrum; whether or not they’re into the leather lifestyle.  But, once again, the BDSM leather lifestyle allows people extensive personal freedom.

In gatherings of people involved in the leather life, there are, indeed, certain rules.  If you know of a couple who is in a dominant/submissive relationship, you address the dominant first when speaking to them.  If a couple is involved in a “scene” during a play party, you don’t interject yourself into it unless invited.  You don’t mock or laugh at someone involved in a scene.  If you don’t understand what’s going on, ask someone.  If you don’t like it, remove yourself from the area.  During any setting, you don’t physically touch someone, unless invited.  If someone prefers to be called by a certain name, you address them by that name.

 

What do you think leather offers that the vanilla world of relationships is lacking?

As I stated above, leather offers people more personal and sexual freedom.  It allows them to step outside the boundaries society often imposes upon them.  They can experiment with all kinds of physical or psychological pleasure, although not necessarily sexual.  Much of the leather / BDSM experience is more mental or psychological.  Many people don’t realize the brain is the biggest and most sensitive sexual organ in the human body.  BDSM sex isn’t always physical; meaning intercourse or masturbation.  Many people enter into role-playing games.  The frisky cheerleader / bashful quarterback, naughty schoolteacher, etc. roles may seem comical up front.  But, many people play games of this nature to enhance the sex in their relationships.  It can be healthy and fun.

The leather accoutrements people possess and / or wear are just individual pieces of expression.  They signify boldness or personal freedom.  Leather is really just refined animal skin, which gets interesting if you have BDSM / leather aficionados who also claim to be vegetarians.  But, leather has always been a prime source of clothing among humans for eons.  Even now, leather invokes a certain mystique; people rarely wear leather clothing outside of social settings, with the exception, of course, of jackets, coats, shoes or boots.  Leather slacks or skirts, for example, aren’t considered proper business attire and may even be banned in some work places.  But, people can enter that same space carrying a leather-bound briefcase or purse.

Some people often wear or carry certain mementoes that indicate their ties to the leather community.  It can be a piece of jewelry or a lucky charm-type item.  A while back I knew a woman who was an attorney and heavily into the leather lifestyle with her then-fiancée.  Often she would practice in front of a judge who banned most forms of jewelry from the courtroom so as not to prejudice the jury.  She carried a heart-shaped locket made of red leather laid into silver in her purse, which signified her ties to her partner and their involvement in the leather culture.  No one else knew she had it on her person, of course, but she carried it merely as a private and personal statement.  That’s what the leather / BDSM lifestyle often signifies: personal freedom and personal relationships.

 

The recent popularity of 50 Shades has made the sales of sex toys and bondage equipment skyrocket. Do you think it’s as fad, or do you think bondage is going mainstream?

First, the “Fifty Shades” phenomenon has been met with disdain from the leather / BDSM community.  Its author clearly didn’t do much research into the lifestyle, or if she did, failed to include actual specifics into it.  For example, in the first novel the dominant male takes a flogger to the abdomen of his submissive female.  Any leather veteran knows this is wrong on 2 levels.  A flogger has suede or leather tails, often capped with beads of metal or plastic.  These produce a stinging sensation when flung against the skin.  But, it’s very dangerous to flog someone’s abdomen, which has less muscle than the upper back or buttocks where a flogger is traditionally used.

Second, I feel that “Fifty Shades” is more of a fad.  I can’t say that the leather / BDSM lifestyle is becoming more mainstream because of it, or in spite of it.  I would hope it’s the latter.  But, I don’t think the leather / BDSM lifestyle will become mainstream anytime soon; it still exists in the pantheon of fetishism, which encompasses a lot.

 

Explain some of the precautions you put in place to make sure BDSM play doesn’t go too far (i.e. from BDSM to snuff film)

For the record, snuff films, like pedophilia and bestiality, have absolutely nothing to do with the leather / BDSM lifestyle.  Pedophilia and bestiality are psychological perversions; they both violate the safe, sane and consensual edict.  Children and animals obviously can’t give consent to anything sexually imposed upon them by an adult.  People still link them all together, which is why true leather aficionados are more than willing to clarify and explain their lifestyle to anyone.  They always want to eliminate any misconceptions.  On a side note, the alleged snuff film thing sprang from rumors that the Charles Manson gang photographed their brutal crimes.  No evidence has surfaced to substantiate this.

BDSM play can go too far if the participants aren’t careful.  In most settings, one person (usually the submissive) will call out a designated or predetermined “safe word,” which is simply a term an individual used to signify when that person feels uncomfortable.  This all goes back to safe, sane and consensual.  One person may say, ‘I want [X] done to me.’  If the other person is a veteran, they will explain what happens when [X] is done.  If the other person is a novice, they should ask questions.  But, if the submissive is the veteran, they must explain what will or should happen.  For example, with flogging the submissive has to understand that the tassels could generate a sting and leave red marks on the back, shoulders, or buttocks.  Veteran BDSM people always should realize their role is not just as practitioner or dominant, but as educator and, to some extent, caretaker.

 

Do you think that people outgrow BDSM or is it a lifestyle that really lasts a lifetime? Why or why not?

I think once people get into and understand the lifestyle, it becomes part of their psyche or personality.  In a way, you could say they become addicted to it; mainly because it grants a certain level of personal freedom and expression they may find nowhere else.  But, someone may grow tired or frustrated with it for a number of reasons.  They simply weren’t “into” it from the start.  Their personality may change, and they no longer find any pleasure in it.  That presumed level of trust and respect may have been breached by the other person in the relationship.  People change their lifestyles for a variety of personal reasons.  Part of the freedom inherent with the BDSM / leather life is the freedom to leave it altogether; once more – safe, sane and consensual.

I have to say I’ve never met anyone who’s an ex-leather person.  I suppose it has to do with the personal freedom and respect that often goes with it.  It’s unlike, say, the military, which is more of a career and a particular means to a particular end; people join the military to get away from their families, or earn money for college.  It’s definitely unlike most religions, which often preach blind loyalty and command respect and trust from an individual without allowing that person to demand the same in return.

 

Can couples who share this alternative lifestyle still have the same family experience as those who don’t? Is it a healthy environment for children?

I’ve never met or known anyone involved in BDSM who also has children.  I think it’s possible, though, since people generally like to keep their leather / BDSM predilections private.  No, I don’t feel it’s a healthy environment for children, in that I don’t believe people should let their children know about it.  It’s such a specialized lifestyle, which requires too much emotional and psychological involvement and understanding.  Many adults can’t even comprehend that level of human interaction.  But, I’m quite certain most adults involved in BDSM who also happen to have children would be able to keep their children away from it in the same manner most parents keep their children away from alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, firearms, etc.  Most people in the BDSM lifestyle are more responsible with their personal behavior.

 

You’re pretty open about your lifestyle in the blogging community. Are you open about it in your daily life as well and if so, how do people usually react?

Yes, I’m pretty open, but I don’t shove it in people’s faces.  If people don’t like something I write on my blog, they’re welcome to make a comment, as long as it’s not threatening.  Once people understand what my blog is about, they pretty much know what to expect.  If they decide they don’t like it, they can then choose to stop following it, or just not read a particular piece.  Since I’m very opinionated, I’ll often speak out about certain subjects that I feel passionate about, such as religion or animal abuse.  I have a great deal of animosity towards religion, for example, since I feel it’s too restrictive and judgmental.  As an animal lover, I hate anyone who abuses an animal.  I don’t just despise them – I hate them.  I’ve revealed these feelings to people in conversations, as well as on my blog.

 

In your time in the culture, what are the most common fetishism you’ve seen? For example, I’ve heard that spanking is one of the more popular fetishes. Why do you think that appeals to people?

I don’t think spanking is as popular in the leather culture as some people believe.  It certainly happens, but not as much as flogging, which is the most common fetish I’ve seen.  Spanking and flogging may be popular from a submissive standpoint because the recipient receives some kind of physical or emotional pleasure in being struck in such a manner.  Spanking is usually associated with child discipline, so some people may have an emotional or psychological connection to it.  I don’t know why, since I don’t like either practices.  I become very angry if someone I don’t know pops me on the butt as a greeting or form of flirtation and I’ve often reacted harshly.  I can play a dominant or submissive role, but my primary demand is that people ask to touch me.  The leather / BDSM lifestyle generally allows for that.  Some people don’t understand that mentality because they figure, if you’re in a bar or nightclub dressed in a certain way, you’re inviting physical attention.  One of the most popular fetishes I’ve noticed actually is role-playing.  As I mentioned previously, people engage in this type of activity for personal or emotional satisfaction.

 

What was one of your more unusual experiences? What did you like or dislike about it?

The most unusual fetish experience I had was a sounding rod or dilator inserted into my urethra.  An older man who was experienced in that practice performed it on me at a play party several years ago.  He also attached the other end of it to an electrolysis device, which looked like a CB radio and generated electrical pulses into the metal rod and therefore, into my body.  I had asked him to do that.  Since I was new, he slowly inserted the rod, asking me constantly if I was okay.  When he started up the electrolysis device, he let me control the amps – again because I was new.  I enjoyed it because of the intense physical sensations it generated throughout my body and because I was ultimately in control.  I did not have a physical orgasm, but I had something of a mental orgasm, which is difficult for many people to understand.  As I stated above, many people often think the leather / BDSM lifestyle involves strictly physical sexual activity.  But, the physical attributes are merely bridges or conduits to the mental or emotional aspects of a person’s overall well-being.  The human mind is very powerful, and people still often underestimate its capacity.

 

I want to thank Alejandro for participating in my interview…I also want to thank the entire BSDM community for hating 50 Shade of Grey as much as I did.

If your looking for more info regarding the subject, please see these recent articles.

http://www.dallasobserver.com/content/printVersion/2292804/

http://www.dallasvoice.com/controversial-bdsm-themed-bestseller-fifty-shades-meh-10116353.html

If your looking to cyber stalk Alejandro (like me) you can find his web page here:          http://chiefwritingwolf.com/

Wait…Romney Won?

This weeks guest post on the Film Annex is regarding Romney being declared the winner of the recent presidential debate. I watched the debate myself, and thought they both made some good points, but as usual, the world disagreed with me.

I was looking for someone to blame and I found the perfect scapegoat. Social media. Damn you Twitter.

http://www.filmannex.com/posts/blog_s...

Getting Away With Murder – Take 2

Ugh, its like people never learn.

A couple of weeks ago, I did a column designed to help potential killers out there get away with their crimes. I thought I included a lot of useful information. I thought I was doing the world a favor. I mean, we have police officers out there putting their lives on the line for a whopping 10.50 an hour. Make them work for that mind boggling paycheck people.

So just when I thought I helped everyone out, I spend the day watching a show called “The First 48”. This is a true life police procedural show. The premise is that if a crime doesn’t get solved within the first forty eight hours of discovery, then the chances that it will ever be solved go down astronomically.

Seriously guys. All you really have to do is get away with it for 48 fucking hours and your still getting caught? Do I have to spoon feed this shit to you?

Apparently, I do. So in order to make sure my true crime shows get a little bit more interesting, here are some tips and tricks to getting away with murder. Literally.

Number 1. Lawyer up. Why are people walking into police stations to “answer a few questions” without the assistance of an attorney? Especially when they are guilty as sin. Stop being a cocky motherfucker, thinking that you’re smarter than the cops. You’re not. You’re only one guy. The police department has forensic teams, computers, technology and cops with more experience than years you’ve been alive. Your correspondence certificate in welding is no match for this shit. Demand an attorney and try not to get a public defender. They don’t give a fuck if you go to jail. Instead, opt for private. If you don’t have the money, see if your baby’s mama can cover it.

Next, stop fucking bragging! When I worked for a police department, I saw a guy get arrested for murder because a friend of a friend, told a friend of a friend…of a friend, that this guy said he did it. Here’s the thing. You can tell you buddy Manuel not to say anything all you want. He might hold up to his end of the deal for a couple of days. Then, his buddy Leo gets a couple beers into him and it’s all over fucking town. Murder is interesting. People are going to gossip. That’s just human nature. You have a choice. Everyone can think you’re the badass on the block, or you can get away with the crime. It’s one or the other. Lips only stay sealed for so long.

Practice this sentence; “No I do not give my consent to a search of my residence/car/person”. If you know your car has a bloody knife in the trunk, why are you letting the cops search it? Do you think their going to just miss the knife somehow? That they’re going to say, “oh, there’s nothing here but a spare tire and a butchers knife covered in something that looks like ketchup.” Yes, a cop can search anything based on something called “probable cause” but probable cause is messy. A decent lawyer can get evidence in a probable cause search tossed in seconds. If you consent, you’ve just thrown that probable cause argument out the window. I hope you can get a decent plea bargain.

Also, get rid of the fucking body! Don’t just leave it there, expecting it to disappear on their own. You know why we have so many unsolved murders in Florida? The Everglades. Every decent killer knows that an alligator is a murderer’s best friend. If you’re not lucky enough to have a swamp nearby, then stock up on Lyme. I don’t mean go buy it the night of the murder. Nothing arouses suspicion more than a 3 am security tape of you traipsing the isles of your local Home Depot with a cart full of Lyme, garbage bags and shovels.

Finally, I really can’t believe I have to say this but do not send an email, text or have a phone conversation regarding the murder with anyone…ever. Shit doesn’t disappear once it heads out into cyberspace. It stays forever and it will be found. It will be found and put into a power point presentation for the jurors to see. Resist the urge to talk and it will pay off in the end.

It’s actually pretty simple to get away with murder. Clean up after yourself, get a decent lawyer and above all, keep your fucking mouth shut. I really don’t understand why it’s so hard. If you all will follow my advice, then I’m sure my true crime shows will get a lot more interesting. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I’m off to Home Depot to pick up Lyme and shovels for completely unrelated reasons.

I Don’t Care if You Read This; Just Like Me

Ok, so I don’t know if there is an official name for this or anything, so I’m going to call it a ‘drive by like’.

We’ve all had this happen. You’ve just published a blog and 12 seconds later; have received your first like. You know for a fact that the person who just liked you has not had time to read your page and that they are just liking your post so you will go read theirs, maybe throw them a like or a follow in return.

For some reason, this practice really seems to chap people’s asses. They get uber pissed when they find out that someone has liked their page without reading their post. In fact, a few months ago, I saw a post seriously berating the hell out of people for doing it. I think it was called “I Don’t Need Your Likes and I Hope You All Get Cancer.”* The best part of this post was that it made it to Freshly Pressed, where you will get more drive by likes than ever. I think the dude who wrote it probably went on a shooting spree sometime after. Ah irony, you do brighten my day.

Anywho, I’m writing this today to let you know that this practice does not bother me at all. Not even a little bit. I really don’t care if people read a word I write, as long as they like me.

Isn’t that terrible? I know. I’m a horrible person with low self esteem. What can I say? I need your approval, and I’ll take it anyway I can, even if I know you don’t mean it.

I think we all know the above sentence is completely untrue. In all truth, I’m kind of a narcissist.

 

Here’s the thing. I write my blogs for me. I am the kind of person who laughs at my own jokes. Hysterically. Most of the time I can’t even get them out before I’m sputtering and gasping for air like I’m the love child of Richard Pryor and George Carlin. I think I’m hilarious and I know that if someone is even attempting to drive by like my page, they will get sucked into my vortex of humor and soon be urinating all over themselves from uncontrollable mirth. Believe it or not, I have had more than one drive by like turn into a regular reader. Because I’m just that awesome.

My blog page has bigger problems than drive by likes. As you all know, for some reason, I am a hot bed of child pornography activity. My SEO makes me more appealing to pedophiles than a windowless van filled with candy and puppies. Or maybe they’re just yanking it to my picture. I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is I’m never writing about Thailand again.

To me, someone liking my page without reading my work is like someone telling me they like my shoes when they are just being polite. Am I going to attack that person and say “do you really like my shoes, or are you just saying that? Because if you’re just saying that, I’m going to be super pissed and write an angry blog about you.” No. I do what any normal person would do. I say thank you…and then I have sex with them.

I really don’t care if someone is liking me something to get something in return from me. They might or they might not. If one of their posts appeals to me, I might read it. If all their posts are about Acia Berries or Home Loan Modifications, I’m going to roll my eyes and move on

Because in my short time here, I have found blogs mirror life. Just because someone likes you doesn’t mean you have to like them in return. So bring on your empty likes everyone, because I am just that much of a narcissist that I believe their true anyway.

Look at that, I already go my first one and I haven’t even published yet!

 

* I actually have no idea what it was called. I didn’t read it. I clicked like and moved on, just to be annoying.

No, It Couldn’t Happen To Anyone

As I’m writing this, my floor is littered with beer bottles that still haven’t stopped the constant thinking. I’ve chain smoked 2 packs of cigarettes today and am working on my third. I’m in that crazy fuzzy haze between too much nicotine and caffeine and its just not helping. My brain just insists on well…thinking. And its driving me crazy.

I’d like to be able to watch a TV show without fixing the plot line in my head. I’d like to watch the news without figuring out how to fix the world and I’d like to just be able to lie down at night and sleep without thinking.

Maybe I could ask this chick how to do it?

Basic Rundown: Woman got taken by Nigerian scam artist she found on a dating site for 42k.

For anyone who decided not to watch, let me just drop this little gem to give you an idea of what I’m dealing with here.

Newscaster: So, when he said he was from Nigeria, did that set off any warning bells in your head?

Idiot Moron Woman: Not a one.

Seriously, not a one? Some dude you don’t know, tells you he’s living in fucking Nigeria, the scam capital of the world, and you don’t have a minutes misconception about sending him checks? Really?

One time, Sassy Fillapina, who is surprisingly from the Philippines, asked me to transfer some money for her into my bank account so she could avoid a wire fee. It took her 14 text messages, a phone call and a Skype before she could convince me she wasn’t a Nigerian scam artist…and she’s been one of my best friends for three years. In my head, the whole time I was transferring the money I was going, “maybe our three year friendship was just part of a clever con to get me to give her $800”. Of course, it wasn’t. It was to help her cover the plane ticket she needed for her dads funeral, but it still left me skeptical. And it got me to thinking, if I’m this skeptical over a wire transfer that completely legit, to one of my closest friends, how are people still getting scammed by Nigerian scam artists?

Then I figured it out. These lucky people have figured out a way to turn of their brains entirely!

To any of my Nigerian followers out there, rest assured, I do not mean to insult you. I’m sure you are a perfectly nice, well meaning individual…who regularly dupes individuals into giving you ridiculous amounts of money. That’s why I delete all your comments off my board. Sorry. Call me a stereotyping racist if you want. But I’m a stereotyping racist with a positive balance in my checking account. So eat me.

The part of this video that annoyed me was the part at the end, when the chick said, “it could really happen to anyone.”

Um, sure lady. Keep telling yourself that. It could certainly happen to anyone…who has had a full frontal lobotomy. Look, I’m not an idiot. Sometimes, I wish I was. But my brain is apparently addicted to thinking and I can’t make it stop, even when I want it to.

This would never happen to me. You know why? Because the second any dude on a dating website asked me for money, my vagina would actually close up and seal shut. I have hundreds of thousands of years of evolution behind me that makes me seek out a mate that’s a good provider. A man asking me for money is not a good provider. And a man asking me for money from Nigeria is a bad provider and a huge scam artist. Evolution has nothing to do with that part. I’m just not completely fucktarded like some people.

So stop painting me with the same brush as yourself. We both have our positive points. You are a complete idiot who lost 42K to a Nigerian scam artist. On the upside, you probably fall asleep after only 15 minutes or so of trying. I, on the other hand, toss and turn until 2 am every night because I can’t shut my brain off. But at least I’ve never gotten scammed by a 14 year old Nigerian kid with a Plenty of Fish account.

Online Schools in Afghanistan

This weeks guest post for the film annex is talking about online schooling in Afghanistan.

No, I’m not talking about a Sally Struthers Heating & Refrigeration correspondence course. I’m talking about global classrooms that can’t be overcrowded or harassed. Is is possible that money spent trying to build classrooms in Afghanistan would be better spent on laptop computers and intenet access?

http://www.filmannex.com/posts/blog_show_post/education-goes-global-in-afghanistan/56664

Obsessed

I am obsessed. But this time, its not a normal healthy obsessions, like when I was obsessed with writing angst filled poetry and cutting myself during my teen years…Or when I got obsessed with Charlie Sheen and started writing to him using a mixture of my blood and tears as ink and a rolled page from the ‘cease and desist’ letter as my pen.

This time my obsession is decidedly unhealthy. I am obsessed with Amazon reviews.

It started off simply enough, with me checking my Amazon book page every twelve seconds or so and reading my own reviews until I could recite them verbatim. Sometimes printing them out so I could berate myself with the bad ones and pat my own back with the good ones. Sometimes making a shirt out of those printouts and wearing it to the gas station when I went to get my coffee. You know, normal stuff.

Then it got weird.

After I noticed no reviews were immediately forthcoming and I would have to give people time to actually read the book they just bought, I started reading other reviews. At first it was just book reviews. My favorites were the one star reviews given to 50 Shades. Then fearing the bad karma that could result from the sour grapes I was enjoying from another authors misery, I decided to switch to product reviews instead.

And most of them are better than any book I’ve ever read. So, rather than seek help for my obsession, I’ve decided to share them.

First, the delightful novel “Moon People” which has been selected as the worst novel ever written by anyone…ever.

Next, the reviews of “Tuscan Whole Milk”, because if your going to sell a perishable item like milk, then through a mail order company is definitely the best choice of marketplace.

Also, The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee. This shirts awesomeness can’t be described in words. Fear this;

And finally, a review of David Hasselhoff’s groundbreaking Greatest Hits CD;

I hope you all enjoy these reviews as much as I did. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to check my Amazon page again. It’s been at least 20 minutes since I looked at it last.

Fuck the (Grammar) Police

Whenever I read a news story online, I always go to the reader comments after I’m done. I never comment myself. I’m not much of a joiner. But I do love to read the comments from others, which range from indecipherable, to crazy, to intentionally mean spirited, all the way to brilliant. Half the time, the comments are more enjoyable that the story itself.

Tonight, I was reading this story about a lottery winner who died of a drug overdose. The twist to this story was that the woman was arrested back in June for welfare fraud, for continuing to collect food stamps after she’d won more than $700,000 in the state run lottery. This story had everything that would get the Huffington Post community up in arms, so I eagerly raced to the bottom just to read the hilarious comments that were sure to follow.

Then I saw this.

Ok, so when someone types up a four paragraph post, all in caps lock, with every other word spelled wrong, until the post is no longer decipherable as the actual English language, I can get nailing someone for poor grammar. They’ve degraded their opinion by making it impossible to understand.

But adverb correction? Really? Oh, and questionable adverb correction at that. Bad is an adjective that describes the state of an emotion and saying “I feel bad” is actually the correct way to say it. Feeling badly would indicate that something is wrong with the nerve endings in your fingers. Thank you, Grammar Girl.

Regardless of whether its was right or wrong, my point is even if it was wrong, we got the meaning of the commenter’s sentence and that is all that really matters for something as small as a forum post.

I wind up in a lot of forums, and honestly, I see this type of stupid comment time and time again. They’re usually written by some smug, self righteous asshole with nothing better to do than comment on others peoples grammar, because their incapable of making a logical argument. They probably read their own comment over and over again saying “oh, God, I am so smart and now everyone will know how very, very smart I am”. Then they go off to find some other person who dared use a serial comma, or the word “except”, when they should have said “accept”.

If correcting stranger’s grammar and spelling on the internet is the best thing they’ve got going on, then I feel badly for them. I would not however, feel badly if they got hit by a bus.

Also, if there are any grammar police out there tonight, reading this post, who notice any grammar or punctuation mistakes, rest assured that I put them in here just to make you feel important. You’re welcome.

OMG, I Just Hate it So Much!!!

Ok, so I know I already did my own pseudo review of 50 Shades of Shit, which was mainly 4 words of what I thought of the book, and 4500 words plugging my own book, but I just don’t think I made it clear how much I truly hated that awful fucking novel.

Me and my friend Sassy Filipina* went out for dinner tonight. Being that we are both women in our prime, the subject of 50 Shades of Grey came up. And I knew that Sassy and I were kindred spirits when she announced “the fact that so many people like that shitty book makes me lose faith in humanity.”

She totally hit the nail on the head.

All right, now I think we all know that I really don’t have a problem with BDSM. Ok, so I might be a bit more of a dom than I am a sub, but whatever. I know the genre and I know what is good. “The Story of O” and “Stealing Beauty” are good. If you’re looking for a little romance with your kink, then “Away from Me” by Sophie Oak is fantastic. I actually liked it so much that I linked it. That’s how you know I love a novel.

I’m making this clear because I want everyone to understand that both me, and Sassy, who has a bit of a wild side, were not turned off by the novel for its unusual sexual situations. I frequently find myself in unusual sexual situations and will openly admit that I’ve choked more than one dude in bed. At last count it was 3. Two because it seemed sexy at the time, and the third just to get him to shut the fuck up. Seriously, who calls a chick mama in bed? Gross.

No, the reason I hated this awful novel wasn’t the sex. It was the poor writing, one dimensional characters and plot holes the size of a canyon that pissed me off.

Following the initial review, I forced myself to read every last page of the piece of shit, just to make sure I was being fair. Turns out, I was being generous. Let me give you Essa’s synopsis.

Bella from Twilight is doing a favor for her kooky best friend. She goes to interview Edward, who is a billionaire with no definable career. This Edward is not a vampire, but whatever. Despite the fact that Edward is a hot 28 year old billionaire who gets more ass than a toilet seat, he starts stalking Bella because he’s desperate to make her his new submissive. Oh, have I mentioned that she is a 22 year old college educated virgin with a pet unicorn (ok, so I made the unicorn up, whatever) who has never owned a computer? Bella, who talks like Hanna Montana, but thinks like a 90 year old British lady, regularly has conversations with her “inner goddess” (vomit) and spends the majority of the novel blushing and biting her lip while Edward does things to her “down there” (E.L. James’ words, not mine). Then, they both die in a plane crash.

Ok, so I made the part about the plane crash up. That’s just the way I wished it would happen. In reality, this novel frustrated the fucking shit out of me. Why? Because it really did make me lose faith in women everywhere. It’s not about being submissive. Deep down, most women have a submissive side. It’s the fact that such a poorly written piece of drivel, with plot holes, ridiculous redundancies, stolen characters and unrealistic settings did so fucking well. People really like this shit? Is everyone that stupid? Seriously people. This book is the literary equivalent of “The Emperors New Clothes” and soccer moms everywhere are gobbling it up like it’s 0 calorie chocolate while publishers are laughing their way to the bank.

Seriously, fuck you America. Hemingway is rolling in his goddamn grave.

Romance, even Erotic romance, doesn’t have to be pointless smut. It can have a plot. It can have beautiful descriptions and realistic settings. It can have characters who aren’t caricatures. It’s been done and it will be done again. And the writers who worked so hard on those novels get ignored. That just pisses me off.

I’ve said in the past that I don’t pan indie writers. It’s not fair. I’m an indie writer myself and the publishing world gives us a ration of shit for it. But in this case, I’m not panning an indie writer, because as far as I’m concerned, E.L. James is no writer. She’s a bullshit artist who got lucky.

And she owes me 2.99 and 3 hours of my life back.