Essa Alroc's Blog, page 34

Afghanistan As a Travel Destination…Yeah Right

Hi everyone,

Just to let you guys know, for the foreseeable future, I’m going to be doing some guest posting on another site, called the Film Annex. Its a pretty good site for videos, movies and the documentaries that you all know piss me off soooo much. This weeks irritant is a video about to possible travel and tourism industry in, um, Afghanistan? Riiiight. I think their motto is going to be “Ignore the Acid Throwing and Enjoy the Mountains.”

Anywho, my post can be seen here.

 

http://www.filmannex.com/posts/blog_show_post/afghanistan-as-a-tourist-destination/56527

Essa’s Guide to Break Ups

Good morning party people. Essa is up early for a full day of article writing. I have also started referring to myself in third person, because I’m fancy now, having made it to this lofty rank during yesterdays book giveaway on Amazon.

Even if no one ever wants to pay for my work, at least I know I can give it away!

Anyway, why am I blogging at 9:30? Simple, I ran into another worldwide issue that I think I can fix. You all need my help and I’m here to give it.

This morning as I was driving to the store for my gas station coffee and daily dose of lung cancer statistics, I heard an interesting news show on the radio. It was called 2nd Date Update.

Basic run down; two people go on a date. Person 1 thinks it went swimmingly, while person 2 drops off the map to parts unknown. Person 1 then reacts in the way any normal person does…by calling their local radio station and having the DJ hunt down person 2 like they’re America’s Most Wanted, so they can demand an explanation and hopefully, get a second date. Needless to say, it rarely ends well.

Personally, I think anyone not getting a call back after date one should know where they stand and move on, but that’s just me. But before you put your radio station on speed dial for a hefty dose of public humiliation, I’m going to give you a way to find out when it’s really over so you can accept it, move on, and not look like a psycho in the process.

So, without further ado, I present Essa’s Guide to Break Ups

The Houdini – A Houdini is instantly recognized by the sound of silence. Your phone calls don’t get returned, nor do your emails. When your stalking your quarry’s Facebook, they always seem to be offline. If you talk to the object of your affection’s friends, they always say something along the lines of “Oh, they’ve been really busy lately. I’m sure they’ll call you back soon.” What it means? Not into you at all and they’re never calling you back, no matter how much their friends tell them to. Now, before you go getting all pissed off, let me explain something. It is perfectly acceptable to pull a Houdini after only the first or second date. At that point, the relationship is in its trial period and the purchaser has the right to return without explanation. If someone has pulled a Houdini after date 1 or 2, don’t be a psycho. Get over it and move on. If they pull a Houdini after 6 months of dating, then feel free to key that motherfuckers car. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re required to.

The Gentle Fade Out – The gentle fade out is a little more subtle that the Houdini and is men’s number 1 choice when it comes to break ups. Instead of the immediate radio silence you’ll get with the Houdini, the stretches of time between speaking to your mate gradually increase. They’ll go one day without calling you, then 2, then 4, until their not calling you at all. After a while, the relationship just fades away, no nasty confrontational fight needed. Again, the gentle fade out is only acceptable during the early stages of the relationship, using within the first month of dating. If you’ve reached they stage where you’ve agreed to monogamy, it is no longer acceptable to pull a fade out. Why? Because you need to return that persons license to fuck other people. Otherwise, you’re just being rude.

The Jekyll and Hyde – If your mate has suddenly become captain mood swing, you may be a victim of the Jekyll and Hyde breakup. In this case, the other party isn’t sure if they want to dump you, so their trying to instigate you into dumping them. They’ll start losing their temper over everything, nag you constantly for no reason and do things to purposely push your buttons. My advice? Take the bait and dump their ass. Who wants to deal with that passive aggressive bullshit? Jekyll and Hyde daters have a high return rate, and can be very difficult to break up with because their always changing their mind. When dumping someone who was trying to dump you using this passive aggressive method, its best to return fire with the Houdini method. Go with radio silence and move on. Oh, and there is NO period of time when the Jekyll and Hyde is appropriate. It is the preferred break up method for passive aggressive pussies and no one should have to put up with that shit.

The Transitional Break Up – We all know how this one starts. “Its not you, its me. I’m just at a point in my life where I don’t feel ready for a relationship.” Translation? “It’s you and I’m just at a point in my life where I feel like I could do better.” This is the preferred method for people who are dumping their high school or college sweetheart. This one can happen at any time in the relationship and is used because while the person may not want to see you anymore, they still want you to like them. Maybe you have mutual friends and hang in the same circle. Regardless, their trying to break up without causing a scene or any hard feelings. They are the most unrealistic and optimistic of all breaker uppers and they’re living in a fantasy world.

The Brutal Honesty Break Up – This break up is different from all the others for one important reason. There is no out. Once you do a brutal honesty break up, you can’t go back. No only have you burned the bridge, you salted the earth behind it. The brutal honestly break up is usually done drunk and involves something called ‘word vomit.’ You mainly just confront your mate with a list of every single thing that is wrong with them, every little thing they’ve done to annoy you, and every single physical imperfection they have. While the brutal honesty break up is also most commonly associated with a domestic disturbance police visit, it is also the most effective of all break ups. Just make sure to use it sparingly.

Getting dumped is never fun. I think we can all agree on that. There really is no good way to dump someone and people need to give up the fairy tale that they can break up and still remain best friends. Its not going to happen and even if there is no emotional connection left, one party is always going to have that feeling of resentment because they weren’t good enough. Rather than beat yourself up for not being good enough following a break up, do what I always do. Put on your nicest outfit, fix yourself up, pour yourself a drink…and fuck their hottest friend.

Trust me, you’ll feel better.

No One This Hot Should Be So Cheap

What can I say? I have low self esteem. Of course, my current cheapness has nothing to do with my sexual promiscuity. I call that being liberated.

It’s more to do with the fact that I will be having one final free day for my book, Strangely Sober. It will be available in Kindle format for the next 24 hours for a 100% discount. This is the last time to get it for free, unless you win the Goodreads give away. (current odds 1:1045) Kindle aps can be downloaded onto any e reader, laptop or smartphone if you don’t own the Kindle outright. Just check out the Amazon site.

Following the giveaway, I will be pricing the book at a whopping $0.99 pending the release of the sequel, Asymmetric Angels.

Support your local indie author so I can stop spamming my own blog. Don’t make me resort to chain mail people.

A Little Help?

I’ve noticed some odd search terms coming up in my results lately and have decided to help the misguided souls on my site who might be looking for something I haven’t provided so far.

To start with, everyone who was googling the following terms;

 

 

Seriously, kill yourself. You need to die. In fact, if you’re too much of a pussy, I would be glad to show up at your house sometime between dusk and dawn and do the deed for you. Just so you know, it will be slow and painful. What, I thought you liked it kinky? Fucking pervert. Just so you know, I’ve started tracking IP addresses. If I ever get a terminal illness, expect me at your door with a syringe full of animal tranquilizer. If I’m going down, I’m taking a few assholes with me.

Next;

 

Save money. Just go to a farm with a really lax security system.

Next;

 

I think he looks something like this?

 

 

Also, this one:

 

 

Honestly, I didn’t know there was more than one book. But I can tell you that if you have any favorite book of the bible, you’re probably in the wrong place to search for its meaning. If I had to pick, I would go with the Guttenberg Bible, because its worth an assload of money. What does that say about me? I like money.

Next;

 

 

Holy shit, you’re looking for my panties too?!? Just to narrow it down, they’re somewhere between my place and Pine Hills. You take the east side of town, I’ll take the west. They’re blue, bikini cut, and they say “Saturday” on them, because when I wear them, I feel psychic.

Next:

 

 

Dude, telling your girlfriend you got hepatitis from a slip and fall at Walmart isn’t going to work. Just claim you had a blood transfusion or shared a dirty needle. Just don’t say you got it from me…and let me know if you’ve seen my panties.

Stay Home and Don’t; The Anti-Voting Initiative

A few weeks ago, I did an article for yahoo news and a blog on here about being an undecided voter. At the time, I was torn between both candidates and was not sure which way I was going to go in the next presidential election. You’ll all be glad to know that I finally made a decision. What did I decide?

Fuck voting.

This election day, while millions make their way to their local polling place, I will be sitting at home, watching the Daily Show coverage, and not giving a fuck either way who wins.

I know. I’m a terrible person. It’s my duty as an American to vote. My voice needs to be heard, blah, blah, blah, blah. What if my voice is saying, “uhhh, he’s just one guy?”

We give way to much credence to the title “Commander-in-Chief”. President Obama is apparently personally responsible for the entire economic system of the US collapsing. Before he was even president, he drove to peoples houses and forced them to take out varying interest rate loans they couldn’t afford. Then, he drove to all the banks and forced them to offer loans to people using deceptive business practices and non existent income criteria.

He was one busy mother fucker and if we reelect him, he might do it again!

Then Romney. Why if he gets elected, he’ll reverse Roe v. Wade, outlaw gay marriage and take away our birth control. Oh, wait. Let me give all that shit a smack down.

Roe v. Wade – We are aware that every single republican nominee since 1973 has been threatening to overturn Roe v. Wade but still hasn’t managed to, right? Why? Because it takes a little more than a president saying ‘ok, that’s overturned now.’ The supreme court makes that decision and the president has no power over the outcome. But Romney will appoint a judge that will rule in his favor! Really? Obama appointed 2 during his term, so guess whose potential appointment is getting cancelled out…provided Romney even gets the chance to make an appointment?

Gay Marriage – See everything listed for Roe v Wade, then add in the fact that we have a democratic majority.

Birth control – Birth control will still be legal, it’s just whether or not your employer will have to pay for it that’s the issue. Newsflash. Your employer has a choice between covering your $30 a month prescription or your $10,000 labor and delivery bill, with 6 weeks of maternity leave as well. What do you think your employer is going to choose? Trust me, your depo shots aren’t going anywhere…unless you work for the Westborough Baptist church or Rush Limbaugh. If that’s the case, you have my sympathy.

Campaign promises are like my parents promises to take me to Disneyland. Used at the time to keep us behaving, but 4 years in, we still don’t have a pair of Mickey ears. Decisions aren’t made based on popular votes, their made based on what the company who is contributing to the candidates election fund wants done.

You wanna have a say? Then fuck voting; be a billionaire instead. Then you can have all the rights you want. The rest of us are just living on their scraps and we are seriously deluding ourselves if we think one president is going to change anything based on what they promise in their campaign.

We are electing a figurehead. Someone who makes the country look nice. That’s why we like our presidents handsome, but not too handsome. Non-threatening handsome. Think JFK.

Oh the hate mail I’m going to get for this post. One thing voting enthusiasts love to tell me; “Did you know that more people vote for the American Idol winner than the next president?”

My response, “well, that makes sense, because when their voting for the next American Idol, their vote actually matters.” When I vote for a president, my result is the same arguments being rehashed over and over again by congress until something more interesting comes along. When I vote for an American Idol, I get Ruben Studdard singing sensual R&B in a way that makes me spontaneously orgasm.

So this election day, while most people are trying to find a parking spot in their local high school auditorium or civic center, I’ll be participating in the election the best way I can think of.

By having graphic sexual fantasies about John Stewart from my couch.

Oh John…I would do anything for you. Except vote.

Happy Election Day everyone. May you make the right decision…or no decision at all.

The Danger of Low, Low Prices

I have an economic theory about the dangers of low prices that I would like to share with all of you today. It’s based on some experiences I have had, and I’m pretty sure I’m right.

When I was first starting out in article writing, I had a per word rate that was reasonable, competitive and on par with most other writers at my level. I had a few jobs trickle in, but definitely not a flood of work and definitely not enough for me to get by on. So I dropped my price and suddenly the orders started rolling in. Unfortunately, all the instructions for these orders looked like this.

“Please write article based on keyword “genuine imitation alligator leather purses Brooklyn NY”. Please write 500 words. Please use the exact keyword phrase 25 – 35 times. Please make the subject interesting and informative. Please be useful of good English.”

So yeah, I was getting more work, but who exactly was I catering to? These clients didn’t care if my articles were decent, and they didn’t care if my work made sense. They just wanted to pay next to nothing for the jobs and saw no value in my product. If I had kept going the way I was, I would have had a group of clients with no loyalty whatsoever, who didn’t give a crap about quality, and who would dump me for the next cheaper writer as soon as they came along. I would have clients who expected to get next to nothing and were happy with subpar service as long as they didn’t have to pay too much for it.

Are you listening Walmart?

Walmart, the super discount store of infamy, is the perfect example of this incredibly dangerous practice at work. Ask any middle to upper class person what they think, and you’re likely to get groan and a horrible story about shopping there. Walmart got their client base by undercutting the competition at ridiculously low prices. At first, everyone was happy. A store that catered to the blue collar workers of this country! A store that catered to the middle class! It was about friggen time.

Then, that awful segment below the middle class found out about it. The 24 year old women with six kids, with 5 different babies’ daddies and one on the way, who views children as a welfare check. The recent parolee, who needs to pick up steel wool and baking soda at a discount. The people who think that letting themselves get morbidly obsess entitles them to a handicapped parking spot.

It doesn’t, and it’s not a fucking thyroid problem.

As the dregs showed up, Walmart decided to cater to a new consumer. The ‘they probably won’t give a fuck’ consumer. Walmart stopped cleaning the bathroom. They stopped cleaning the floors. They crammed the isles with as many impulse buy products as possible, until its near impossible to get one cart down those slender rows…never mind a 400 pound man driving one of those motorized sit down carts. They beefed up security, because unfortunately, their new market segment tends to have sticky fingers.

And they stopped hiring employees who gave a crap. Instead, their interview consisted of one question. “Will you work for minimum wage or less?” If the answer is yes, then they were given a blue smock and their own register.

Walmart started treating hiring employees like they were buying product. They didn’t care about quality, the only thing that mattered was price point. So they get employees who make it clear to the customer that they hate their job, can’t do basic math and regularly spend the day hiding out in the bathroom that they never clean.

So, Walmart’s new look now includes a dirty store, rude employees and sleazy customers. And they were surprised when their middle class segment started leaving their stores in droves to go shop at Target instead?

I’ve learned my lesson about ‘low, low prices’. It’s not just a matter of ‘you get way you pay for.” Instead, I’ve learned another economic lesson. It’s called ‘you get who you cater to.’

I’ll stick to catering to people who give a shit about quality.

How Not to Kill Your Husband

So I have spent the majority of my Sunday watching a delightful series called “Snapped”. For those of you out there who haven’t spent most of your Sunday watching Lifetime (probably all of my male readers) I’ll give you a synopsis.

Woman gets sick of male family member, usually a husband or boyfriend. Woman comes up with a detailed plan for offing said family member. Woman makes a stupid mistake during offing. Woman gets arrested and goes to jail.

Again, in my desire to help everyone do everything better, regardless of legality, I think I can help. Below, please find a listing of constructive criticism and helpful tips when considering offing a friend or family member.

1. Do not enlist the help of your weakest willed or stupidest friend. This always ends in disaster. Think of it this way. If you are capable of browbeating someone into killing a person with you, then the cops are capable of browbeating that person into turning informant against you. If you need a hand, then hire professional. Personally, I find a copy of “Soldier of Fortune” magazine to be an excellent way of finding the right independent contractor for all my wet work needs.

2. Never use your personal computer to look up any of the following items;

Poisons
How to dispose of a body
How to find a hit-man
Life insurance terms
Directions to swamps, landfills or vacant lots

If you have already screwed up (chances are, if a Google search term brought you to this page, you did), don’t worry. Not all is lost. Don’t waste your time deleting browser history and temp files. When the cops impound your computer, their going straight to your hard drive, where those annoying little files exist forever. Instead, you must take out your hard drive. Some people would recommend using acids or intense heat to destroy a hard drive, but there is a much easier way to get rid of it, and still make it look like an accident. All those magnets on your refrigerator? They just found a new home on your computer tower. Yeah, your computer is going to be destroyed. But what sounds worse? Spending $400 on a replacement on eBay, or spending the next 60 years in prison?

3. Do NOT make any major financial changes or take out any insurance policies within the 6 months prior to the ‘accident’. That just screams motive. Yes, you’re in a hurry to cash in on the double indemnity clause, but good things come to those who wait. Be patient.

4. Try to make it look like an accident. Watch a few episodes of “Dexter” to get an idea of how blood spatter works. If you’re faking an intruder, don’t be a pussy. Give yourself more than a superficial wound but avoid any major organs. You don’t want to turn your well planned homicide into an accidental murder suicide.

5. If everything has worked out and you’ve been able to cash in on your insurance policy, don’t get lazy or do anything to arouse suspicion. Wait a year before moving in a boyfriend or getting those size F implants you’ve always wanted. Above all, don’t do it again. Nothing draws more suspicion that a woman with a long string of dead husbands.

Of course, I’ve just broken all my own rules when writing this column. However, as I was smart enough to never get married in the first place, I don’t have anyone in need of immediate ‘offing’ and I genuinely hope I won’t in the future, because now I can’t. So let my sacrifice by your guide. Happy hunting everyone.

That’s the Nicest Thing Anyone’s Ever Done For Me

The long awaited day has finally come. The day that I’ve been waiting and hoping for. The day that felt like it would never come, like it would never happen, and I would be miserable forever.

I got fired! And fired in the right way, with the severance package and bells and whistles. If I wasn’t so out of shape, or even remotely flexible, I would do a back flip. But I’m not so I won’t because I don’t have health insurance anymore.

I guess most people in my position would probably be upset, worried, tearing their hair out. Unemployment rates are sky high and the maximum weekly unemployment benefit in my state is among the lowest in the nation, at a whopping $275.00. I have terrible credit, a black mark on my record for getting fired and I may be entirely unemployable.

Thank God for that.

My fear of financial ruin was only outweighed by one thing. My intense hatred of my job.

Whenever I used to say that, I would always get the same idiotic response from someone, usually along the lines of “everybody hates their job.”

Why the hell does that make it ok? For some reason, people think that as long as everyone else is miserable, its ok for them to be miserable too. The only goal in mind is the ability to make it to Friday, so they can have a weekend that disappears in the blink of an eye, followed by another week of doing the same thing over and over again. At least well Bill Murray did that in Groundhog Day, he learned a valuable lesson…and how to make an ice sculpture with a chainsaw.

Unless you’re a rich trust fund baby, the majority of your waking hours will be spent working. If you’re miserable when you’re doing that work, then in all honesty, your life is miserable. That’s not ok, and it should never be ok, not even if Bob from accounting is just as miserable.

People don’t die regretting the hours they didn’t put in at their cubicle, so they could bloat some corporate blowhards bank account. They die regretting not following their dreams, not trying for more, and not living like everyday will be their last.

For me, the ten years I would have probably lived after I retired (let’s be honest here, I’m probably not making it much further than 60) weren’t going to be enough. So instead, at 32, I’m starting over.

The way I see it, I’m pretty good at two things. The first one is writing, and the second is snorting lines of Pixie Sticks without sneezing. So if the writing career doesn’t pan out, I have something to fall back on. Awesome.

In all seriousness, I know I’m not always going to get to write what I want. Some days, I’ll be writing boring articles about Social Security Disability and back injuries until my fingers bleed. But at least I won’t wake up dreading everyday anymore. Instead, I’ll push through the boring articles so I can work on my books instead or so I can write angry rants for all my blog followers’ entertainment. Because every word I write makes me a better writer, even if those words are boring as fuck.

And if none of that works out, there’s always Taco Bell. I look pretty in purple.

So, in conclusion, I would like to thank my former employer for firing my ass. It’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

What Your Favorite Book Says About You

So I recently joined Goodreads and have been learning a lot about the personalities behind favorite kinds of books. From what I’ve seen so far, you can learn quite a lot about a person by their favorite book. So I, being the helpful saint like individual that I am, decided to create a personality profile for some of the most commonly known top reads out there. Enjoy.

The Catcher in the Rye – Salinger’s best effort speaks to the inner child in all of us. If it’s your favorite, then chances are you’ve never told that inner child to shut the hell up. The Catcher in the Rye was the face of a generation, specifically the downtrodden rich, white, male face. If this one is one of your top picks, chances are your voting for Romney in the next election, regularly complain about affirmative action, and secretly wish you had gone to college for video game design instead of engineering.

 

1984 – This dystopian satire is the first book that taught me not every story has a happy ending. If Orwell’s frightening view of the future (his future, he wrote it in 1949) is among your top reads, chances are, your just as paranoid as he was. You are probably convinced that your television is spying on you, keep all your money hidden in your mattress rather than the bank, and have bought at least one firearm on the internet under an assumed name. When you’re not practicing battlefield strategies with your militia, you’re probably hard at work at the gun store or living off the grid with nothing more than a pocket knife.

 

Tess of the d’Urbervilles – If this Hardy heartbreaker is your favorite, then you probably just got done reading 50 Shades of Goddamn Grey, and have never actually read the book. You just want to be Anastasia Steele. If you have actually read Tess, and you number it among your actual favorites, then you are clinically depressed. Seriously. This book is listed on depression questionnaires. “Do you like Tess of the d’Ubervilles?” is the question between “Do you have trouble sleeping?” and “Do you have thoughts of suicide?”

 

Valley of the Dolls – This Susann pop culture novel was the talk of the late 60’s and featured heavy drinking, sexual situations and gratuitous drug use with casual indifference. If this novel is among your favorites, you also view heavy drinking, sexual situations and gratuitous drug use with casual indifference. Congratulate yourself for being sober long enough to finish a book. You did good, now off the computer. Other people in rehab have to check their emails too you know.

 

Steve Jobs – A Biography – This recently released biography is already making the charts as one of many peoples favorite novels. If this one is among your favorite, your love innovative visionary ideas…because you can make a lot of money off innovative visionary ideas. You also have a slight crush on the late great Steve Jobs and have probably started wearing turtlenecks and glasses you don’t need since his passing.

 

Harry Potter/Twilight etc – You’re 12. Get off my blog…or at least get parental permission first.

 

 

 

 

How to Win Friends & Influence People – If this marketing bible is your literary litmus test, then you are not much of a reader. You are too busy making money, lots of money. In fact, every second you were reading that book irked you because you could have been making money while you were reading it. Also, you’re a sociopath and you needed to use that book to learn how to interact with people in a way that wouldn’t alert them to the syringe of animal tranquilizer you keep in your pocket.

 

The Bible – You might be a religious nut job or have friends who are religious nut jobs that you are trying to impress. But you need to be honest with yourself here. Even if you believe every friggen word of the bible, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to read. In fact, with all the subtexts, foot notes, end notes and section breaks, I have to say, I’ve read Korean cell phone instructions that were easier to get through. Take a chill pill, relax and go find yourself a book that doesn’t weigh fourteen pounds. Trust me, Jesus won’t mind.

 

The Anarchists Cookbook – If this Powell manifesto is your pick, then see the description for those who loved 1984. Mix in the ability to manufacture a rudimentary pipe bomb and you my friend equal the perfect nutcase storm. Please don’t explode my blog…and if you’re feeling extra generous, I wouldn’t flinch if you were to send over a batch of homemade LSD.

 

 

Strangely Sober – Your intelligence is only outweighed by your incredible attractiveness. People flock to you because you’re special. You have something to offer the world. You are going to do great and wonderful things…like buying forty copies of my book to send to all your friends and family. The world is a better place for you having been born.

Essa Gets MRSA

It was late Monday night and I’d just settled in

To watch the finale of Hell’s Kitchen and see who would win

Just as Chef Ramsey was announcing the prize

I felt a deep aching coming from above my eyes

I raced to the bathroom to see what was the matter

And was greeted with a cyst the size of an Elephant bladder

I went to the free clinic the first thing in the morning

The fact that it was free should have been my first warning

After poking and prodding the troublesome spot

The idiot doctor gave me a birth control shot

With my eyes swelling shut, I quickened my pace

And drove blindly to the ER to literally save face

After a lengthy exam, the doctor announced without pause

That a bacteria called MRSA may just be the cause

As I was admitted to the inpatient section

I couldn’t help but wonder how I got such an infection

Was it the little white dog that I adopted from the pound?

Or the pair of sunglasses I found on the ground?

Perhaps it was the mascara I picked up at the rummage sale?

Or that lonely lost weekend spent in Mexican jail?

To little too late, I wished I had read more books

Because it seemed entirely unlikely I would get by on my looks

After several intense days on intravenous therapy

The swelling went down and I was discharged happy

With a bottle of narcotics and warning not to poke

I jumped in my car for a post hospital smoke

The end of my sickness comes with one lost perk

Unfortunately, on Monday, I have to go back to work