Essa’s Guide to Break Ups
Good morning party people. Essa is up early for a full day of article writing. I have also started referring to myself in third person, because I’m fancy now, having made it to this lofty rank during yesterdays book giveaway on Amazon.
Even if no one ever wants to pay for my work, at least I know I can give it away!
Anyway, why am I blogging at 9:30? Simple, I ran into another worldwide issue that I think I can fix. You all need my help and I’m here to give it.
This morning as I was driving to the store for my gas station coffee and daily dose of lung cancer statistics, I heard an interesting news show on the radio. It was called 2nd Date Update.
Basic run down; two people go on a date. Person 1 thinks it went swimmingly, while person 2 drops off the map to parts unknown. Person 1 then reacts in the way any normal person does…by calling their local radio station and having the DJ hunt down person 2 like they’re America’s Most Wanted, so they can demand an explanation and hopefully, get a second date. Needless to say, it rarely ends well.
Personally, I think anyone not getting a call back after date one should know where they stand and move on, but that’s just me. But before you put your radio station on speed dial for a hefty dose of public humiliation, I’m going to give you a way to find out when it’s really over so you can accept it, move on, and not look like a psycho in the process.
So, without further ado, I present Essa’s Guide to Break Ups
The Houdini – A Houdini is instantly recognized by the sound of silence. Your phone calls don’t get returned, nor do your emails. When your stalking your quarry’s Facebook, they always seem to be offline. If you talk to the object of your affection’s friends, they always say something along the lines of “Oh, they’ve been really busy lately. I’m sure they’ll call you back soon.” What it means? Not into you at all and they’re never calling you back, no matter how much their friends tell them to. Now, before you go getting all pissed off, let me explain something. It is perfectly acceptable to pull a Houdini after only the first or second date. At that point, the relationship is in its trial period and the purchaser has the right to return without explanation. If someone has pulled a Houdini after date 1 or 2, don’t be a psycho. Get over it and move on. If they pull a Houdini after 6 months of dating, then feel free to key that motherfuckers car. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re required to.
The Gentle Fade Out – The gentle fade out is a little more subtle that the Houdini and is men’s number 1 choice when it comes to break ups. Instead of the immediate radio silence you’ll get with the Houdini, the stretches of time between speaking to your mate gradually increase. They’ll go one day without calling you, then 2, then 4, until their not calling you at all. After a while, the relationship just fades away, no nasty confrontational fight needed. Again, the gentle fade out is only acceptable during the early stages of the relationship, using within the first month of dating. If you’ve reached they stage where you’ve agreed to monogamy, it is no longer acceptable to pull a fade out. Why? Because you need to return that persons license to fuck other people. Otherwise, you’re just being rude.
The Jekyll and Hyde – If your mate has suddenly become captain mood swing, you may be a victim of the Jekyll and Hyde breakup. In this case, the other party isn’t sure if they want to dump you, so their trying to instigate you into dumping them. They’ll start losing their temper over everything, nag you constantly for no reason and do things to purposely push your buttons. My advice? Take the bait and dump their ass. Who wants to deal with that passive aggressive bullshit? Jekyll and Hyde daters have a high return rate, and can be very difficult to break up with because their always changing their mind. When dumping someone who was trying to dump you using this passive aggressive method, its best to return fire with the Houdini method. Go with radio silence and move on. Oh, and there is NO period of time when the Jekyll and Hyde is appropriate. It is the preferred break up method for passive aggressive pussies and no one should have to put up with that shit.
The Transitional Break Up – We all know how this one starts. “Its not you, its me. I’m just at a point in my life where I don’t feel ready for a relationship.” Translation? “It’s you and I’m just at a point in my life where I feel like I could do better.” This is the preferred method for people who are dumping their high school or college sweetheart. This one can happen at any time in the relationship and is used because while the person may not want to see you anymore, they still want you to like them. Maybe you have mutual friends and hang in the same circle. Regardless, their trying to break up without causing a scene or any hard feelings. They are the most unrealistic and optimistic of all breaker uppers and they’re living in a fantasy world.
The Brutal Honesty Break Up – This break up is different from all the others for one important reason. There is no out. Once you do a brutal honesty break up, you can’t go back. No only have you burned the bridge, you salted the earth behind it. The brutal honestly break up is usually done drunk and involves something called ‘word vomit.’ You mainly just confront your mate with a list of every single thing that is wrong with them, every little thing they’ve done to annoy you, and every single physical imperfection they have. While the brutal honesty break up is also most commonly associated with a domestic disturbance police visit, it is also the most effective of all break ups. Just make sure to use it sparingly.
Getting dumped is never fun. I think we can all agree on that. There really is no good way to dump someone and people need to give up the fairy tale that they can break up and still remain best friends. Its not going to happen and even if there is no emotional connection left, one party is always going to have that feeling of resentment because they weren’t good enough. Rather than beat yourself up for not being good enough following a break up, do what I always do. Put on your nicest outfit, fix yourself up, pour yourself a drink…and fuck their hottest friend.
Trust me, you’ll feel better.
