Getting Away With Murder – Take 2
Ugh, its like people never learn.
A couple of weeks ago, I did a column designed to help potential killers out there get away with their crimes. I thought I included a lot of useful information. I thought I was doing the world a favor. I mean, we have police officers out there putting their lives on the line for a whopping 10.50 an hour. Make them work for that mind boggling paycheck people.
So just when I thought I helped everyone out, I spend the day watching a show called “The First 48”. This is a true life police procedural show. The premise is that if a crime doesn’t get solved within the first forty eight hours of discovery, then the chances that it will ever be solved go down astronomically.
Seriously guys. All you really have to do is get away with it for 48 fucking hours and your still getting caught? Do I have to spoon feed this shit to you?
Apparently, I do. So in order to make sure my true crime shows get a little bit more interesting, here are some tips and tricks to getting away with murder. Literally.
Number 1. Lawyer up. Why are people walking into police stations to “answer a few questions” without the assistance of an attorney? Especially when they are guilty as sin. Stop being a cocky motherfucker, thinking that you’re smarter than the cops. You’re not. You’re only one guy. The police department has forensic teams, computers, technology and cops with more experience than years you’ve been alive. Your correspondence certificate in welding is no match for this shit. Demand an attorney and try not to get a public defender. They don’t give a fuck if you go to jail. Instead, opt for private. If you don’t have the money, see if your baby’s mama can cover it.
Next, stop fucking bragging! When I worked for a police department, I saw a guy get arrested for murder because a friend of a friend, told a friend of a friend…of a friend, that this guy said he did it. Here’s the thing. You can tell you buddy Manuel not to say anything all you want. He might hold up to his end of the deal for a couple of days. Then, his buddy Leo gets a couple beers into him and it’s all over fucking town. Murder is interesting. People are going to gossip. That’s just human nature. You have a choice. Everyone can think you’re the badass on the block, or you can get away with the crime. It’s one or the other. Lips only stay sealed for so long.
Practice this sentence; “No I do not give my consent to a search of my residence/car/person”. If you know your car has a bloody knife in the trunk, why are you letting the cops search it? Do you think their going to just miss the knife somehow? That they’re going to say, “oh, there’s nothing here but a spare tire and a butchers knife covered in something that looks like ketchup.” Yes, a cop can search anything based on something called “probable cause” but probable cause is messy. A decent lawyer can get evidence in a probable cause search tossed in seconds. If you consent, you’ve just thrown that probable cause argument out the window. I hope you can get a decent plea bargain.
Also, get rid of the fucking body! Don’t just leave it there, expecting it to disappear on their own. You know why we have so many unsolved murders in Florida? The Everglades. Every decent killer knows that an alligator is a murderer’s best friend. If you’re not lucky enough to have a swamp nearby, then stock up on Lyme. I don’t mean go buy it the night of the murder. Nothing arouses suspicion more than a 3 am security tape of you traipsing the isles of your local Home Depot with a cart full of Lyme, garbage bags and shovels.
Finally, I really can’t believe I have to say this but do not send an email, text or have a phone conversation regarding the murder with anyone…ever. Shit doesn’t disappear once it heads out into cyberspace. It stays forever and it will be found. It will be found and put into a power point presentation for the jurors to see. Resist the urge to talk and it will pay off in the end.
It’s actually pretty simple to get away with murder. Clean up after yourself, get a decent lawyer and above all, keep your fucking mouth shut. I really don’t understand why it’s so hard. If you all will follow my advice, then I’m sure my true crime shows will get a lot more interesting. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I’m off to Home Depot to pick up Lyme and shovels for completely unrelated reasons.
