D.C. Pierson's Blog, page 5

Infinite Dolphin Source

When I was a kid I would stare into a sprinkler whose droplets were catching the light of the sun and pretend that each individual arcing droplet was a leaping dolphin, at that all these dolphins were emanating from some infinite dolphin source, and if certain episodes of certain science-centric public radio shows I’ve listened to are correct, somewhere in the universe this actually exists, this infinite dolphin source.

There’s a whole lot of matter and a whole lot of universe so just mathematically speaking, somewhere matter is combined in a way that produces infinite dolphins, appearing and catching the light and disappearing.

And if I have misinterpreted what I heard on public radio, it wouldn’t be the first time, but I think we can all agree it is harmless to let this particular misinterpretation stand.  

(And I wrote this because someone was randomly a dick to me on Twitter and I liked the idea of this post being brought to you by that person the way Sesame Street episodes were brought to you by letters. 

And I could’ve written back to that person saying UH ACTUALLY, EMPIRICALLY, I RULE but they would’ve just been getting what they wanted, and I think somewhere in the universe they did get what they want, after all, there’s a lot of matter and some of it will inevitably be formed into assholes with a lot of hate that demands easy electronic distribution and in certain cases those dudes will get what they want. All too often they will. But not tonight. Tonight: infinite dolphins.)

Andy Wood will not be joining us but the flier was simply TOO...

Andy Wood will not be joining us but the flier was simply TOO REAL not to use. Come thru TONIGHT!

Look how many hugs I get

Look how many hugs I get

I gave a talk at Google the week my book came out. Talked about...

I gave a talk at Google the week my book came out. Talked about foam swords, broken tattoo promises, and marketing. TED CONFERENCE CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS

I rapped about 50 more people who pre-ordered my book. Also, my...

I rapped about 50 more people who pre-ordered my book. Also, my girlfriend’s new kitten Linus has a cameo. Look, I know how the Internet works.

Crap Kingdom is available NOW in bookstores, on eReaders, on Amazon, etc. More info: http://crapkingdom.com 

Also: in this video, I look like Violet Beauregard for some reason. It’s all just a glorious part of having a European-dad-on-vacation-who’s-been-in-the-sun-too-long complexion. Real rap.

This. Now.: This is a specific moment

This. Now.: This is a specific moment:

ferniecommaalex:

Thanks to disgusting and/or ignorant people like the Steubenville rapists, their enablers, Todd Akin, teems of moronic internet commenters, over 20 senators voting against VAWA, and a tragically tone deaf and clueless media, we are at a specific moment in this country where we’re talking about…

I think for too long myself and a lot of people like me assumed because we thought of rape the very definition of wrong, everyone thought along those same lines, only to discover now, in 2013, that for a lot of the country the subject even being brought up triggers a lot of queasy “now, boys will be boys and girls should reconsider their skirt length” sentiment that results in the perpetrators being viewed as victims and victims finding themselves Hester Prynned at the moment they most need to be listened to and supported.

I am dumb for not having realized the degree to which a lot of people in America think rape is a gray area, or a feminist fiction engineered to vilify boys who just can’t be held responsible for their silly penises do when Jezebels are in the mix. I’m sure everyone who’s ever been raped is already well aware of the echo chamber of judgement our society presents to victims.

Fernie is right: we as a country need to have this discussion now, and not let the conclusion of that discussion be “Did you know girls lie sometimes? And, like, society is very confusing for boys these days!”

Y’all go read this whole thing.

We Didn't Do It, But We Did It: Crap Kingdom and the New York Times

So, Crap Kingdom did not make it onto the New York Times Best Seller list this week.

I say “this week,” because: hey. Not to get all The Secret about stuff, but I earnestly believe that if I keep my head down and keep working and keep doing all the things I’m doing, someday it will be. It, or another book. My dream scenario is that my next book (or the book after it, or the book after it) is finally the effort-coalescing smash hit I have been waiting for and that propels my whole back catalog onto the list. I think this is the dream of every artist who feels under-appreciated. It is also (though the details may be different) the dream of anyone who has ever felt undervalued or looked down upon in any walk of life. “THIS ONE DANCE I DO AT THE TALENT SHOW WILL BE SO GREAT EVERYONE WILL SUDDENLY REALIZE I’M BEAUTIFUL AND THEY’LL THINK BACK ON EVERY TIME I TRIPPED IN THE HALLWAY AND REALIZE I WASN’T TRIPPING AT ALL, I WAS PERFORMING BEAUTIFUL MINI-DANCES!” And so on.

It is a cliché dream and I get that yet I am fully in its thrall.

That said, I’m sad. I do believe there’s a difference between “getting your hopes up” and “being excited by the possibility something.” I didn’t used to think that. I used to very willfully try to assume that nothing good would happen, thinking that if something good happened, it would be a neat surprise, but if nothing happened, or something bad happened, who cares? All that happened is what I expected to happen. Look how smart I am.

After a few cool things happened in my life and were greeted with very little fanfare by my insides, I realized something gamblers and businessmen know implicitly: in order to win anything, you have to wager something. If you want to be thrilled when something cool happens, you have to have hoped it was going to happen.

Basically: “Exciting” is a more marketable way of saying “full of potential heartbreak.” 

So I was excited by the possibility that this could happen, and I worked really really hard to try and get it to happen. I try very hard not to be like a high school yearbook staff, where I say “we worked really hard on this” like it somehow inures me from criticism when I’ve misspelled someone’s name. I believe hard work should be a given. Hard work does not mean you deserve something. I scream this at the TV most weeks during “Shark Tank.” I have worked hard and I will continue to work hard and when it’s finally been enough work for it to happen, it will happen.

Interesting thing about getting bad news (and an interesting thing about getting good news): it happens. And then you are still alive. After the moment you get the bad news, there is a next moment. And a next moment and a next moment and a next moment.

And then you go get something to eat.

So the bad news is it’s not on this week’s Best Sellers list. The good news is, it is out there, and people seem to like it, and once it’s out, it stays out, and people can get it, and people can find it. And I still sold quite a lot of books. And every time someone tweets a picture of their copy of the book at me, I think: “This rules.”

The lofty goal has not yet been achieved. But the main thing worth celebrating is still worth tons of celebration, and in between plotting all of the next moves (there will be a bunch), I plan to.

If you run an independent bookstore on the West Coast and would be interested in hosting a reading / signing type deal in the next few months, let me know: dcpierson AT gmail.com

If you pre-ordered the book during the almost eight-month pre-order campaign, thank you so, so much. If you sent me your pre-order receipt for a custom rap and I haven’t gotten to yet, I will, I promise. 

If you’ve read the book and liked it, please leave a review on the book’s Amazon page, it helps a ton:

http://www.amazon.com/Crap-Kingdom-DC-Pierson/dp/067001432X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363217167&sr=8-1&keywords=crap+kingdom

And likewise on Goodreads, if you’re a member:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15780282-crap-kingdom

And if you haven’t gotten the book yet, please buy it! It’s available for eReaders and in bookstores and online. I think you’ll really like it.

Thanks to everyone who supported me in my book-launch efforts:

To Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, Doug Benson, Julie Klausner, Tom Scharpling, Erin McGathy, Dan Harmon, Cameron Esposito, Kumail Nanjiani, Emily Gordon, Dave Chen, Jeff Rubin, Jensen Karp, Matt Robinson, Elizabeth Laime, Jesse Thorn, Jordan Morris and many more who had me on their podcasts in the run-up to the book’s release, and since. I think I sold more books because of podcast appearances than any other single reason. Thanks for let me yammer and plug. (If I left you off of this list, yell at me and I’ll fix it.)

The people who worked on my tapings for my  stand-up half hour and DC Pierson Is Bad At Girls: Justin Donaldson and his crew and Jeremy Burke. 

To Steel Tipped Dove who mixed my rap mixtape and Casey Trela who recorded it.

To the artists who contributed amazing original songs to the Crap Kingdom book soundtrack: Ted Leo, Jean Grae, Free Energy, Sean Nelson, The Ettes, The Rosebuds, Advance Base, and Matt Bennett. And to Jenn Misko who has worked and is working on the music blog and college radio campaigns for the book soundtrack.

To my editor Kendra Levin and Viking publicist Tara K. Shanahan.

To Corey Griffin who did my crapkingdom.com website.

To the awesome people who contributed blurbs for the book jacket: Donald Glover, Patton Oswalt, John Hodgman, Megan Amram, Matt Fraction, and Chris Gethard.

To SlashFilm who announced the book and The AV Club, Stereogum, and Complex who premiered songs from the book soundtrack.

To Baratunde Thurston, whose thoughts on pre-order campaigns were the backbone / inspiration / main rip-off source for all my ideas. And Eliza Skinner, who I think might be my consiglieri.

To any journalists or bloggers who interviewed me or wrote about the book, or are planning to.

And if you are a journalist and want to talk to me about this book’s DIY marketing campaign in which old-world publishing meets new technology meets alternative comedy, hit Tara on the e-mail tip: Tara.Shanahan AT us.penguingroup.com. I promise I will say a combination of smart things and funny things and the whole thing will be very entertaining.

To anybody who tweeted about the book, including Lena Dunham and Joshua Malina.

To Tom Wilson, Anthony King, Rich Sommer, and Gillian Jacobs who told great stories at my Crap Kingdom book release show, and Megan Baker who took pictures, and Jimmy who did tech.

To anyone who shared any bit of my campaign (the mixtape, the soundtrack, the half-hour, the storytelling show, the custom raps) with a friend or their followers or encouraged people to buy the book.

To my girlfriend Haley who, yeah, jeez, I didn’t know that part of happiness was having someone to be happy with and for and around, and to be made happy by, and kept sane by, and to make happy, and to keep sane. But turns out it is! And tonight I am going to tell you that thing I told you this afternoon I was going to tell you when I saw you because now the main part of what makes good news good to me is I know I get to tell it to you. I always knew when Common said “I’ll tell you the rest when I see you” in “The Light” it was crazy poignant but I didn’t understand why and now I do! Neat. Neat, neat, neat.

So yeah, Crap Kingdom is out now, and it stays out.

And I am excited, with everything that implies.

 

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Crap Kingdom Publication Day Thoughts OR: Kanye West Vs. Nickelback

My book Crap Kingdom is available today, in stores, online, and on your eReader.

I am trying very hard to follow my girlfriend’s instructions, to resist my innate desire to douse what should be unadulterated pride and joy with self-doubt and self-loathing. Self-doubt and self-loathing are Nickleback on the modern-rock radio station in my mind. They are always on. But today I am trying very hard to drown them out.

I think I just realized I’ve been using the words “trying very hard” a lot lately. Usually in the context of “I’m trying very hard to get on the New York Times Best Sellers list.” Because I am.

I have been told by my very wise editor to temper my expectations regarding the Best Sellers list. They have this “secret sauce” they use to compute the list, and books that are in both paperback and hardcover have a natural advantage because there’s just more copies of them out there, and just like anything else, if you’re already on the list, you have an advantage over everything that isn’t on the list when it comes to, y’know, being on the list.

These warnings, well-reasoned and backed up by a lot of facts, and followed by assertions that the book is by no means a failure if it doesn’t make it on the list its first week, or ever, are like catnip to my self-doubt and self-loathing. Or, if we want to extend the Nickelback metaphor, they’re like, I dunno, Coors Light. (That seems like Nickelback fuel, right?) My self-doubt goes, yup! See? The game is fixed! The only people that can do it are the people who’ve already done it. And when somebody new does do it, it won’t be you, because you’re you. Other people are the total package, and you are a cobbled-together mess, and anyone who looks at you for longer than five seconds knows, with certainty, that you are not the real deal.

But I have other feelings that are almost always running through my head in parallel to Nickelback, thoughts I will go ahead and christen my internal Kanye West. At times like these, greeted either with frothing, unreasonable commenter-hate or completely reasonable well-intentioned and frankly dead-on advice to keep my expectations realistic so I don’t set myself up for unnecessary disappointment, my internal Kanye says, “But why CAN’T I do it? What if accepting even this totally reasonable tempering of expectations narrows the fuel line of my ambition even the slightest bit and THAT’S what results in me not making it across the finish line?”

Which is in many ways every bit as unhealthy as listening to my internal Nickelback all the time.

But you guys:

Kanye West is so good.

And his music has brought me so much comfort and lent me so much motivation over the years.

And you might think he’s a jerk, or a boor, or all of the above, but you can’t deny that he livens things up.

And you might think Nickelback are the greatest, and I mean nothing by dragging them into this metaphor other than to say that my self-doubt is as ubiquitous in my head as Nickelback is in America. My self-doubt Nickelback is on a constant arena tour of my psyche, playing to sold-out crowds of enraptured neurons who can’t wait to hear them play hits like “You’re Not Good Enough” and “Every Social Interaction You Have Is A Monumental Failure” and “Photograph.”

And it wasn’t realistic to rap about everyone who bought my book on pre-sale, either, but I’ve done it for 250 people and I’m going to do it for many hundreds more in the coming weeks and months, and I consider my pre-order efforts an unqualified success, no matter what happens.

And I realize making this a choice between self-doubt and naked, boundless ambition is a total false binary. It isn’t that simple. There is a saner, healthier middle ground and I am trying to live there and I am trying to keep things in perspective as much as possible.

But sometimes, I don’t want to keep things in perspective.

Sometimes I want to shine and stay glorious.

If you have already pre-ordered the book, and maybe even received it already, thank you so, so much. If I’ve already rapped about you I hope you enjoyed it and if I haven’t yet, I will, I promise, and I will e-mail you when your rap goes up.

If you haven’t bought the book yet, I would love it if you would, and I’d love it even more if you’d do it now, before you forget, over at http://crapkingdom.com, which has links to both Amazon or Powell’s Books if you’d rather go the independent route.

Or if you want to support your local bookstore, that’s great too, I highly encourage it. If they don’t have the book, I would love it if you’d ask them to order it. 

If you do have the book, when you finish it, I’d love it if you would leave a review over ON AMAZON and on Goodreads http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15780282-crap-kingdom. As of this writing, there aren’t any reviews on Amazon yet and yours could be the first. I would love it even more if you liked the book and you want to write a super-positive five-star review.

If and when you tweet about the book, I’d love it if you’d use the hashtag #DC4NYT. This is my crass attempt to brand my foolhardy but one-thousand-percent committed effort to make it onto the New York Times Best Sellers List for Young Adult books. There are fifteen slots, fifteen huge books by very (and deservedly) successful authors. I am the little guy, and a place on the list would change my life and my career forever.

In a group and as a solo act, I’ve given out tons of free entertainment over the years. And I’ve done it gladly, and will continue to do it. With the exception of the occasional live show, this is pretty much the third opportunity I’ve offered to actually pay money for my work. If I can make money making things you like, I don’t have to spend as much time doing other stuff that takes me away from making things you like. If you’ve enjoyed all the things (or any of the things) that I’ve done in the past ten years, it would mean a great deal to me if you would spend a little of your hard-earned money on Crap Kingdom today.

And again, if you already have, thank you so, so much.

And my amazing editor is correct, and my girlfriend is correct. I am not a failure if I don’t make it on the list. Sometimes books start big, sometimes they climb up onto the list later, sometimes after years. Sometimes they just sell steadily and slowly, and all of those ways are equally valid. Simply getting in print is a massive victory. Consciously I know all these things, and I am trying very hard (see?) to feel them as well. 

But my internal Kanye is telling me how good it would feel to touch the sky. And I think we can. In fact, I know we can.

So again: http://crapkingdom.com

Here is a soundtrack album that accompanies the book, featuring all-new original songs by The Ettes, Ted Leo, Advance Base, Jean Grae, The Rosebuds, Matt Bennett, and Sean Nelson: http://www.hulkshare.com/tgnznfwcclxc or on Soundcloud at https://soundcloud.com/dc-pierson/sets/songs-for-crap-kingdom-a-young

Here is a thirty minute stand-up special I posted after a certain amount of people pre-ordered the book (NSFW / 18+): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXsLG—lUOg

Here is my first mixtape as a rapper, which I posted after a certain amount of people pre-ordered the book (NSFW / 18+): http://dcpierson.tumblr.com/post/43690262970/i-said-if-50-more-people-pre-ordered-my-book-id

You can see all the custom raps I’ve done so far at http://youtube.com/dcpierson

And if you’re in LA, please join me tonight, March 7th, for a very special Crap Kingdom book release show at UCB featuring Tom Wilson (“Freaks And Geeks,” Biff from “Back To The Future”), Gillian Jacobs (Britta from “Community”), Rich Sommer (Harry from “Mad Men), and Anthony King (writer on BFF and one of the funniest improvisers ever). We’ll all be telling stories of high school and college drama-club humiliation. Tickets available at http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/performances/view/26723

That’s it. Thank you so much for pre-ordering, buying, reading, retweeting, podcasting, Facebookin’, listening, and just generally being awesome.

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