Lisa Shea's Blog, page 337

Mused Poetry Voting

My task for today – finalize the voting on poetry for the upcoming Mused issue. All votes have to be in tonight by midnight .

Day 14 / Forgiveness and Ex-Partner

Day 14 / Forgiveness and Ex-Partner

I think, again, this book repeats on certain topics figuring they are “sticky points” for many people and that iterations can be helpful. So rather than re-investigate the same situations from yesterday, I thought I’d take a different angle and look at my first boyfriend, who I dated all junior year of high school.

We met online, which nowadays is common, but in 1983 it meant an online BBS and dial-up connections and modems, and it was quite unusual. He lived an hour south. It was, as many teen romances tend to be, exciting and new and all-enthralling. Then we were looking at colleges and he started talking about marriage after that. I wasn’t ready to lock myself in and broke up with him. He took it hard.

So while I tend to look at that relationship as a nice year which was a pleasant part of my growth, he probably sees it as me breaking his heart. Perhaps from his point of view I was ‘the one’. He was ready to marry me. He was willing to put in the work. I gave up and left.

Should I have stayed, just because he wanted me to? Even though it didn’t feel right to me? I tried to break up gently, but is the “breakee” ever going to see it that way? Are they going to remember the sharp edges and focus on those?

I think it’s good to look at situations from all sides and remember that we’re all human. We all have our own paths. Sometimes they merge and sometimes they diverge. We can’t control what any other person does. We can only control our own reactions and our own steps.

I did the best I could with that relationship, and if I could have done better, I’m sure that could be said about any relationship.

I did meet up with him a few years ago and we had a nice dinner together, so I thought that was a good thing. We’re both in happy relationships now. So life all worked out. And I do have fond memories of my time with him.

On an interesting note, though, I told Bob where I was going, who I was going with, and, afterwards, how it went. Apparently my high school boyfriend didn’t do the same, judging by how his wife called mid-meal to ask where he was, as she was locked out of the house . So I found that an indicator that I’d made the right choice both then and now.

Morning Yoga

It’s been a whirlwind day – I haven’t even been able to post about my morning yoga yet . It was lovely! Lots to do. One step at a time.

Fixing Lights

Happy Happy. My LED desk lamp has been on the fritz for months now – the in-line switch was iffy and the lamp would flicker on and off. But I love this lamp and didn’t want another one. So Bob bought the parts to make a replacement switch, cut out the old switch, and soldered in a new one. Now it works perfectly! . He even had to do it without a mysterious device known as a “solder sucker” which apparently I relocated in one of my cleaning frenzies .

Lavender Meditation

Preparing for my 10pm meditation – it’s frosty out so I’m opting for a lavender bath salt hot bath meditation. Ohhmmmm #serenity

King Richard III’s DNA

Scientists to fully run King Richard III’s full DNA sequence – what will they learn?

King Richard III’s DNA

Name of the Rose

Name of the Rose – a well researched view into the middle ages – I just watched this again Sat night. Have you seen it?

Name of the Rose

 

Forgiveness and Men

Day 13 / Forgiveness and Men

It’s interesting how some topics seem easier than others. This one is a challenge for me. I wonder if it is for all women – that we all have men in our lives who have hurt us. Certainly the statistics on how often women are abused by men seem to bear that out.

I certainly want to start with the thought that a man who deliberately hurts a woman is at fault and should take responsibility for his actions.

That being said, I think in many cases the man’s aim is not to hurt the woman. It’s more that he, himself, is feeling upset or trapped or hurt and he makes a decision in the moment which maybe isn’t the best one. He’s a human. He makes an unwise choice.

In my own life, I’ve certainly had my “heart broken”. But looking objectively at the relationship, it was not a golden-perfect relationship. It had flaws and I tried to plow on anyway. If he did not want to, then it was best for us not to be together. A relationship only works if both halves want it. Should the separation have gone better? Certainly, but again, we’re all human. We all feel angst and emotions during that time and maybe don’t make the best of decisions. And that’s understandable.

I think of the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ I think the same is true for heartache. We tend to look at the action as something Man X actively forced on us and we were a helpless dandelion seed adrift in the wind. But I think in most cases it’s different than that. Usually we knew it wasn’t quite right. We tried to force a square shape into a round hole and the pain is that we couldn’t wrest the world into our ideal vision. Maybe, instead, we should have given ourselves credit for trying our best, appreciated the good times we had, and accept that this combination simply was not meant to be. Maybe even find a way to be grateful that things ended when they did both so they did not get far worse and so we are now free to pursue the path which brings us far better joy.

I’m not saying it’s easy. But I see woman after woman wallowing in angst and unhappiness months or years after a break-up, and the destruction of their body’s health seems a shame. We only have one body. We only have one lifetime. We should nurture the former and treasure the latter. To destroy and lose both over something in the past that wasn’t meant to be seems almost a squandering of something precious.

Yoga

A lovely yoga session this morning; Juliet the cat helped me with cat-cow. Bob braved the frigid cold to bring seed and suet to the birds.

Forgiveness and Women

Day 12 / Forgiveness and Women – I pondered this both yesterday and today. Supporting women is key in every day of my life. My books support battered women’s shelters. My websites support women in a variety of ways. I know our culture creates hurdles for women. I want to do my best to counteract that.

It also seems that, many times, women can undermine themselves. It seems primarily women who post the “ha ha look at this person’s stupid clothes” messages, where the delight is in looking down at another person. Women can be snarky about how other women “should not be seen” on a beach in anything less than a burqa. In an era where we should support each other in all body shapes and sizes, it seems women are the most vocal in putting down others. Why do we perpetuate that kind of a message?

We seem to do that socially as well. We can be vocal about how others have flaws and failings, denigrating those who do not “measure up” in whatever way – and at the same time complaining that they judge us. If we don’t want to be judged, shouldn’t it mean we should resist judging others? Is judging necessary? Can we simply accept that we’re all on a path and it’s OK that we’re at different stages on our paths?

Of course, am I judging others by pondering this? . Should I be more tolerant of those who actively post judgmental posts? .