Forgiveness and Men
Day 13 / Forgiveness and Men
It’s interesting how some topics seem easier than others. This one is a challenge for me. I wonder if it is for all women – that we all have men in our lives who have hurt us. Certainly the statistics on how often women are abused by men seem to bear that out.
I certainly want to start with the thought that a man who deliberately hurts a woman is at fault and should take responsibility for his actions.
That being said, I think in many cases the man’s aim is not to hurt the woman. It’s more that he, himself, is feeling upset or trapped or hurt and he makes a decision in the moment which maybe isn’t the best one. He’s a human. He makes an unwise choice.
In my own life, I’ve certainly had my “heart broken”. But looking objectively at the relationship, it was not a golden-perfect relationship. It had flaws and I tried to plow on anyway. If he did not want to, then it was best for us not to be together. A relationship only works if both halves want it. Should the separation have gone better? Certainly, but again, we’re all human. We all feel angst and emotions during that time and maybe don’t make the best of decisions. And that’s understandable.
I think of the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ I think the same is true for heartache. We tend to look at the action as something Man X actively forced on us and we were a helpless dandelion seed adrift in the wind. But I think in most cases it’s different than that. Usually we knew it wasn’t quite right. We tried to force a square shape into a round hole and the pain is that we couldn’t wrest the world into our ideal vision. Maybe, instead, we should have given ourselves credit for trying our best, appreciated the good times we had, and accept that this combination simply was not meant to be. Maybe even find a way to be grateful that things ended when they did both so they did not get far worse and so we are now free to pursue the path which brings us far better joy.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But I see woman after woman wallowing in angst and unhappiness months or years after a break-up, and the destruction of their body’s health seems a shame. We only have one body. We only have one lifetime. We should nurture the former and treasure the latter. To destroy and lose both over something in the past that wasn’t meant to be seems almost a squandering of something precious.
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Lynnette -Some interesting thoughts here.
For the 10% of men who are gay, there are 10% of women who are gay. So those balance out. That still leaves a balanced available pool.
For the men who hit there are women who are nasty and shrewish. And of course women who simply want to be alone. I know many women who are actively against dating and against having kids. So those might balance as well.
Sure there's a portion of women who want kids, and there's a portion of men who want kids. So I don't think they're that far off.
In my mind it isn't about waiting for Mr. Right but about being out there and available. Each time I was dating there were many, many guys to choose from. All they wanted was a woman who was upbeat, positive, fun, and interested in the things they were.
Dating sites are stuffed full of men hoping for that.
Every person is imperfect :).
Lisa
My view is more like a 'musical chairs' scenario than waiting for the right person. A certain grab bag of characteristics is 'right' for 90% of women, but only 10% of men have those.
So for the remainder, the real choice is no husband at all, no children at all, or take one of the imperfect ones.
We all want men who don't hit, don't get angry, and aren't gay. But remove the 10% who are gay, and 20% who hit or handle anger badly, and that means 30% of women get goose egg for spouses.
In that light, the approach 'I can change him' is actually a viable strategy, if one believes in the selfish gene. After 3 kids the woman decides that was stupid, but the gene got what it wanted, the 3 kids.
If all women were truly to hold out for the funny, witty, kind, acceptable-looking, rubs my feet after a long day, helps with housework, bathes regularly, good provider guy, probably 40% of women and 50% of non-gay men would live alone. That's too high of a price. So women find a way to wrap their mind around sticking with ill-tempered, unemployed ones, hoping for a better turn of events, and a sliver of the time, things do improve.
The rest of the time, there is a kid or two, the gene has met its goal, man and woman fight over child support for the next 15 years, one or more is desparately unhappy for 10 years, but they reach 70 having accumulated 8 grandkids. Success. To the gene.
The 'wait for Mr. Right' strategy, on the other hand, is grossly unsuccessful any way you look at it. The 4 smartest women I ever knew, just brilliant, attractive size 8-10s through their 30's, good-natured and successful and good cooks too, wanted a guy who was their peer, and not finding him or rather, not finding one who was willing to give up his cute waitress girlfriend and date them, reached 45 with no children of their own. End of the line for the gene pool.
With my whole heart I wish they had not been so smart, had been a bit foolish with a cute HS graduate who drove the UPS truck, so now, in their 60's they would have grandchildren.
I too regret the distruction coming from broken hearts, but if there are children from that broken relationship, then the selfish gene has met its objective. It had to do it by carving a way for a woman to mate with the man she could get, the available one, and ensure she not rule out everybody but the best. It's the tailing emotion that's regrettable, not the act or even the guy. The lingering feeling is the only bad part of what happened.