H. Claire Taylor's Blog, page 9

You Did This to Yourself

Feeling a bit of a masochist as of about nine hours ago when I last ate simple carbs. Thanks to the high societal pressure to not be at my absolute fattest for wedding pictures in March, I’ve taken on the challenge of Personal Trainer Food. It’s a 28-day weight-loss/mass-murder regimen wherein you are supposed to only eat meat, veggies, eggs, and an occasional string cheese for 28 days while you go around killing everyone (implied). I haven’t eaten a loaf of French bread in about 3 years because of the gluten, and now all of a sudden #frenchbreadNOW is a trending topic in my brain.

The program is actually extremely harebrained, as it requires having enough freezer space for 56+ meals (1 meal = meat+veggie). The only people in the world with freezers that big already have said freezers filled with either an entire dead elk or an entire dead spouse, so even then the plan isn’t feasible. Here’s a picture of what my freezer looks like right now:

My camera has seriously never taken a worse quality photo. Maybe it’s carb detoxing, too.

That’s not even all of it. The overflow is in the fridge. Nothing like seeing a month’s worth of lunch and dinner to make me aware of how much food I actually consume and no wonder I’m getting the sedentary man’s donut around my middle.

A silver lining of this diet is that intense exercise is actually discouraged, because it messes up your blood sugar. How did they know I gorge on chocolates whenever I’m on the elliptical? But seriously, intense exercise plus sugar withdrawals can only end in uncontrollable weeping. So I’ll probably stick to taking Penny for walks.

Meanwhile, my apartment complex has picked the worst possible time to start with their guilt trips. The folks at the office seem to be getting a little paranoid as of late about crime. First, there was this in the gym:

Someone called BS on the complex… and won.

Now how will I watch The Biggest Loser while I work out?

Then someone broke into the mailboxes outside the gate, and everyone received a letter on their door saying their mail would be at the local post office (then we got an email saying it was only meant to refer to a few apartments whose mailboxes were broken into, not the entire 1000-person complex, but thanks for the panic anyway).

Next was the horror that is halloween, followed by another spoooooky warning about theft:

“Don’t be afraid! While goblins are about remember to lock your doors and check your windows!

We don’t want you to be in the dark, please report any lights you see out and let us know if we can replace a torn screen or stiff lock. We want to do everything we can to make sure this holiday and everyday is full of no tricks and all treats!”

Next we’re bombarded with a series of emails reminding us to do basic adult things, like pay rent, vote (“Texas was admitted as the 28th state in 1845 by just one vote!” Clearly they don’t know the difference between a congressional vote and just some Joe Schmo who happened to stumble into a Randalls on Election Day), and change our clocks back/forward.

Then last night, out of the blue, I get this lovely little guilt trip: “We have cancelled the Crime Awareness Event as no one has come to participate.  Please have a great evening.”

You mean the Crime Awareness Event I wasn’t aware of? Maybe there should have been more of a push for Crime Awareness awareness rather than ordering me around. Also, “Please have a great evening” is probably the most passive-aggressive way of saying, “Go die.” We’re all such unappreciative residents, not attending an event we should have known about, despite the fact that it was listed on none of the calendars we were provided. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started robbing us themselves, just to teach us a lesson about how important Crime Awareness Night would have been. I can see them now, sobbing gently, saying, “You did this to yourself!” as they smash in the window and take my TV.

So I’m drafting them an email right now, thanks to my sugar-withdrawal rage, that is quite simple:

Dear The Preserve,

Please refer to this blog for feedback on your communication skills: http://www.hclaireblogs.wordpress.com. Please have a great evening.

Mixed Messages From Your Friends at The Preserve

This weekend I received the following two emails, only moments apart, from my apartment complex.

1. “Don’t forget to set your clocks foward because Daylight Savings Time Begins today!”

2. “Don’t forget to set your clocks back because Daylight Savings Time Ends today!”

The second one contained no mention that it was a correction to the first. It didn’t even include a *forward or anything. They were both equally confident about their knowledge of daylight-saving time and how it pertains to November 2nd. They were also both equally confident that begins and ends are proper nouns and that daylight-saving time is capitalized and has an s at the end of saving. I think they’re trying to instigate a fear-riot within the complex.

The Spookiest Part of Halloween is EVERYTHING!

My apartment complex, along with having a great dog park, has some of the most insulting and idiotic emails I’ve ever seen. I’ve begun to think of these emails as one of the “many amenities” they always brag about. Every time they send one out, I drop whatever I’m doing and open it, because, hey, ridicule is fun, and sometimes I just want to call someone an idiot.

The most recent one is essentially a PSA to parents from the empty-headed twenty-somethings in the office warning of… well, of almost everything. They missed a few crucial things, though, so I’ve gone through and added some comments in red to ensure the thoroughness that is required when dealing with Halloween.

Enough SPOOKY suspense. Here’s their Halloween email:

HALLOWEEN SAFETY RECOMMENDATIONS

Halloween, the children’s night for Trick or Treats [why is this capitalized?]….. [easy, Dottie McGhee] Ghosts and Goblins…. Haunts and Horrors. Unfortunately, some of the horrors are all too real! Every year, on Halloween, many children suffer from auto accident, fire injuries, falls, cuts, bruises, hurt feelings, sugar crashes or poisoned treats. Be aware and be informed so you and your child can have a safe, enjoyable Halloween. Supervise your children’s evening and stay in neighborhoods that are well lit and familiar, but not our complex.

Risky Roadways:

Children can become careless from excitement and may run into the road. Go SLOW, SLOW, SLOW, all evening long. In fact, just put your car in neutral and throw your weight forward. That should do it. Adult Halloween parties should have a designated driver, you irresponsible idiots.

Dusk is the time of poorest visibility for drivers. Try to Trick or Treat while it is still daylight. While you’re at it, just make your kids stay inside and watch other kids trick or treat, because kids are like dying machines.

Choose a costume that is easy to walk in—no stilts or dangling bear traps!—easy to see out of and can be seen by car drivers... also by motorcycle drivers and tractor drivers and bus drivers. Consider an inflatable bubble with a strobe light attached.

If the Trick or Treating [you think it's capitalized as a verb, too?] lasts into the night, which we already mentioned will for sure end with your child’s death, wear a light colored costume. Oh, you didn’t plan the color of your child’s costume around our safety tips? We’re calling CPS.

Use reflective tape on the costume for additional visibility. Trust me, your child will love this in her Disney princess dress.

If no sidewalk is present – walk on the left side of the road facing traffic. As a light-colored, reflective object in the daytime, all your drunk friends speeding down the road are less likely to kill you, but they probably still will.

Approach only houses that are lit up. Do not approach trash heaps or correctional facilities that are lit up.

Dangerous Dress:

Loose costumes, oversized bags or unsafe shoes can cause falls or accidents. No child has ever survived a fall.

Masks reduce vision. I bet you didn’t even realize that, you dumb shit.

Sharp or pointed toy weapons are unsafe. If your child is dressing up as a knight, consider handing them a deflated ballon to use instead! Do not use an inflated one as the sound of it popping could startle another child, causing him or her to fall, which we know results in death.

If wearing a mask, choose one that is cool, comfortable and easy to see out of. If you were planning on letting your child wear a plastic produce bag over his head, which we know you were going to, you total screw up, consider wrapping string lights around his torso instead. 

Take off the mask before crossing the street. Better yet, wear make-up instead of a mask. Better yet, go to church dressed as a light-up angel without wings (wings could be sharp or pointed).  Did we mention your dad called and said he was disappointed in you as a parent?

Frightful Flames:

Billowing costumes are dangerous around an open flame. If your child does catch fire, make sure he or she does NOT stop, drop, and roll, as that involves falling, and we’ve already been over that. Just calmly throw the fire blanket you should be carrying with you on top of your child, but do it gently to avoid another falling risk.

Flowing false hair wigs are unsafe around candles. Consider buying flow-free false fake faux hair wigs.

Wigs and costumes should be of non-flammable materials. Spraying down your child’s naked body with flame retardant prior to dressing can be a fun way to keep your child from turning into the candle we all know is inevitable at this horrific time of year and with your lousy parenting skills.

Use a flashlight, you idiot. Do you even know what a flashlight is? It makes children more visible and lights their way.

Might we suggest this costume?:

Trust us, your child won’t hate you for this.

Treacherous Treats:

It’s sad, but true. Some people wish to cause harm [Wait, what? Why does the first time I'm ever introduced to this concept have to be through an apartment email?! I don't know what to believe anymore.]. Treats must be checked for potential poisons or unsafe objects.

All fruit should be washed and cut into small pieces to make sure nothing has been placed inside. Another fun trick, um, I mean, something horrible people do is to put HIV needles facing up in movie theater seats so when you sit down you get infected. Try to never leave your house. 

Unpacked items such as popcorn or small candies should be DISCARDED because popcorn is a crappy gift, and your dumb kid would undoubtedly manage to choke on anything smaller than a king-size Snickers.

Candy with loose or torn wrappings should also be DISCARDED. Did we mention we’re calling CPS? Like, it’s already done.

Never go into any homes. Ever. Not even your own. The moment you leave your house vacant to go trick or treat, you’ve allowed a roving pack of sexual predators to enter and nest in it and hide in all the closets. You can never go back. I’m sorry.  

If you should discover anything wrong with the “treats” [why...] brought home, report it to local law enforcement so that other parents may be warned and the people responsible caught.

Have a safe Halloween! We know you won’t!