The Spookiest Part of Halloween is EVERYTHING!
My apartment complex, along with having a great dog park, has some of the most insulting and idiotic emails I’ve ever seen. I’ve begun to think of these emails as one of the “many amenities” they always brag about. Every time they send one out, I drop whatever I’m doing and open it, because, hey, ridicule is fun, and sometimes I just want to call someone an idiot.
The most recent one is essentially a PSA to parents from the empty-headed twenty-somethings in the office warning of… well, of almost everything. They missed a few crucial things, though, so I’ve gone through and added some comments in red to ensure the thoroughness that is required when dealing with Halloween.
Enough SPOOKY suspense. Here’s their Halloween email:
HALLOWEEN SAFETY RECOMMENDATIONS
Halloween, the children’s night for Trick or Treats [why is this capitalized?]….. [easy, Dottie McGhee] Ghosts and Goblins…. Haunts and Horrors. Unfortunately, some of the horrors are all too real! Every year, on Halloween, many children suffer from auto accident, fire injuries, falls, cuts, bruises, hurt feelings, sugar crashes or poisoned treats. Be aware and be informed so you and your child can have a safe, enjoyable Halloween. Supervise your children’s evening and stay in neighborhoods that are well lit and familiar, but not our complex.
Risky Roadways:
Children can become careless from excitement and may run into the road. Go SLOW, SLOW, SLOW, all evening long. In fact, just put your car in neutral and throw your weight forward. That should do it. Adult Halloween parties should have a designated driver, you irresponsible idiots.
Dusk is the time of poorest visibility for drivers. Try to Trick or Treat while it is still daylight. While you’re at it, just make your kids stay inside and watch other kids trick or treat, because kids are like dying machines.
Choose a costume that is easy to walk in—no stilts or dangling bear traps!—easy to see out of and can be seen by car drivers... also by motorcycle drivers and tractor drivers and bus drivers. Consider an inflatable bubble with a strobe light attached.
If the Trick or Treating [you think it's capitalized as a verb, too?] lasts into the night, which we already mentioned will for sure end with your child’s death, wear a light colored costume. Oh, you didn’t plan the color of your child’s costume around our safety tips? We’re calling CPS.
Use reflective tape on the costume for additional visibility. Trust me, your child will love this in her Disney princess dress.
If no sidewalk is present – walk on the left side of the road facing traffic. As a light-colored, reflective object in the daytime, all your drunk friends speeding down the road are less likely to kill you, but they probably still will.
Approach only houses that are lit up. Do not approach trash heaps or correctional facilities that are lit up.
Dangerous Dress:
Loose costumes, oversized bags or unsafe shoes can cause falls or accidents. No child has ever survived a fall.
Masks reduce vision. I bet you didn’t even realize that, you dumb shit.
Sharp or pointed toy weapons are unsafe. If your child is dressing up as a knight, consider handing them a deflated ballon to use instead! Do not use an inflated one as the sound of it popping could startle another child, causing him or her to fall, which we know results in death.
If wearing a mask, choose one that is cool, comfortable and easy to see out of. If you were planning on letting your child wear a plastic produce bag over his head, which we know you were going to, you total screw up, consider wrapping string lights around his torso instead.
Take off the mask before crossing the street. Better yet, wear make-up instead of a mask. Better yet, go to church dressed as a light-up angel without wings (wings could be sharp or pointed). Did we mention your dad called and said he was disappointed in you as a parent?
Frightful Flames:
Billowing costumes are dangerous around an open flame. If your child does catch fire, make sure he or she does NOT stop, drop, and roll, as that involves falling, and we’ve already been over that. Just calmly throw the fire blanket you should be carrying with you on top of your child, but do it gently to avoid another falling risk.
Flowing false hair wigs are unsafe around candles. Consider buying flow-free false fake faux hair wigs.
Wigs and costumes should be of non-flammable materials. Spraying down your child’s naked body with flame retardant prior to dressing can be a fun way to keep your child from turning into the candle we all know is inevitable at this horrific time of year and with your lousy parenting skills.
Use a flashlight, you idiot. Do you even know what a flashlight is? It makes children more visible and lights their way.
Might we suggest this costume?:
Trust us, your child won’t hate you for this.
Treacherous Treats:
It’s sad, but true. Some people wish to cause harm [Wait, what? Why does the first time I'm ever introduced to this concept have to be through an apartment email?! I don't know what to believe anymore.]. Treats must be checked for potential poisons or unsafe objects.
All fruit should be washed and cut into small pieces to make sure nothing has been placed inside. Another fun trick, um, I mean, something horrible people do is to put HIV needles facing up in movie theater seats so when you sit down you get infected. Try to never leave your house.
Unpacked items such as popcorn or small candies should be DISCARDED because popcorn is a crappy gift, and your dumb kid would undoubtedly manage to choke on anything smaller than a king-size Snickers.
Candy with loose or torn wrappings should also be DISCARDED. Did we mention we’re calling CPS? Like, it’s already done.
Never go into any homes. Ever. Not even your own. The moment you leave your house vacant to go trick or treat, you’ve allowed a roving pack of sexual predators to enter and nest in it and hide in all the closets. You can never go back. I’m sorry.
If you should discover anything wrong with the “treats” [why...] brought home, report it to local law enforcement so that other parents may be warned and the people responsible caught.
Have a safe Halloween! We know you won’t!
