H. Claire Taylor's Blog, page 7

The Waffling, Ep. 3

Not every waffle can be a winner. Just like not every episode of The Waffling can be the high-quality entertainment you’ve come to expect from a gluten-intolerant jerk, alcohol, and iMovie.

I know, I’ve set the bar too high.

P.S. You’re already on my blog that I mentioned. Want to see what I wrote right after I finished both The Waffling and my fourth beer? Click here.

Today’s Affirmations in Chronological Order

Today is full of energy and potential and definitely not just Facebook.

Last night’s makeup under my eyes is a glorious sign that I am alive and right where I am supposed to be.

I will find a clean sports bra because I am the goddamn adult I was destined to become.

Wearing a dirty sports bra on my walk does not define me.

I am more than the stiffness in all of my leg joints. I am a miracle of creation.

The awareness to take ibuprofen preemptively is a sign of the wisdom life has given me.

I am awake and energized even without this cup of coffee.

I have everything I need to be successful in manuscript revisions.

My awful first drafts make space for tiny creative miracles in revision.

I am prepared to tackle my manuscript revisions, regardless of the massive inconsistencies I found yesterday.

I will master these massive inconsistencies.

I will master these goddamn massive inconsistencies.

The tension in my shoulders dissolves while my focus remains.

All the confidence I seek can be found within me and maybe on Instagram.

I am perfectly in control of my social media use.

I will fix this god-awful sentence, even if I have to rewrite it a thousand times.

Highlighting sentences to come back to later is a sign of knowing myself.

My life is filled with tiny miracles like a second cup of coffee.

My radiant presence will be fully appreciated on Facebook.

I am entirely pain-free, and my body delights in sitting all morning.

I am ready to attract abundance and a third cup of coffee into my life.

I am confident in my artistic insecurities.

Financial anxiety is the universe cheering for me to keep going.

The minuscule number of humor readers cannot dissuade me from fulfilling my artistic destiny.

Productivity flows through my very being.

The entire history of the universe has led to this moment where I lay down in bed for just, like, fifteen minutes.

I know exactly where the last three hours went. I am in total control of my destiny.

I will complete… half of what I set out to do today.

My life is full of abundance and alcohol.

The Internet needs another neurotic white girl, and I am the person to deliver that to it.

The world is ripe for my YouTube videos.

My blog is only moments away from becoming a source of bountiful income and critical acclaim.

The Waffling, Ep. 2

The hits keep on coming because I keep eating waffles.

Can’t stop won’t stop.

The Waffling, Ep. 1

Okay. Backstory.

I posted this on my Facebook:

Do you love breakfast foods and indecisiveness? Then you’re going to love my new podcast, Waffling.

IT WAS A JOKE, PEOPLE! But no. Noooooo. You all had to encourage me. So this is now a thing. You did this to yourself, but I apologize in advance anyway.

Sexy Rugged Man: A Tragicomedy

When you subscribe to stock photo sites, sometimes you can become desperate in your attempt to find the perfect image. Nothing seems right, and before you know it, you’ve slipped down a search term rabbit hole that is dark and fearsome.

That’s how I ended up searching for “sexy, rugged man.” And boy did Big Stock deliver. Boy, oh boy. And by deliver, I mean help me to discover THE sexy, rugged man. The one of whom the scrolls have foretold. BEHOLD! No matter what variety of rugged man you desire, Sexy Rugged Man has you covered!

Summoning the ruggedness from within. And it glows.

 

Unsafe gun handling is so rugged.

 

If the perpetually billowing cape is any indicator, this man is rugged. 

 

Turn around, Bright Eyes. It’s Sexy Rugged Man.

 

Now you see the sexy ruggedness, now you *still* see the sexy ruggedness. Not even a magician can make that disappear.

 

Going command-oh my! So rugged.

 

His ruggedness must have intimidated away all the women.

 

Sometimes even the most rugged of men has to clean up and put on a uniform for the sake of this great country.

 

Oh holy shit. Look at this rugged, glowing mofo!

 

Et tu, Sexy Rugged Man?

 

How does he fit all the ruggedness under that kilt?

 

Tiger claw to fight back the women.

 

Alpha ruggedness.

 

Sexy, rugged… pirate? Thespian? Who cares. It’s rugged as shit.

 

You know you’re sexy when you can wear a chain instead of a shirt.

 

Hope all the sexy ruggedness doesn’t get tangled in those linens.

 

So rugged he forgot to take off his leggings before he showered in this poorly painted bathroom.

 

Sexy, if not rugged.

 

Rugged men don’t care if blades rip through important tendons in their hands.

 

Sexy Rugged Man will be your sledgehammer.

 

Sexy criminal? I don’t… I’m not sure what’s going on here.

 

Um. That’s not how you shower. But still rugged, I guess.

 

I feel like there’s a story here. But whatever. RUGGED!

 

“How am I so sexy and rugged? What does it all mean?”

If only I knew, Sexy Rugged Man. If only I knew.

HEB: A Nightmare

I had a pretty solid morning—productive, social, healthy. But now I’m wondering if I died at some point between when I left the house and when I arrived at Barnes & Noble for coffee… like a real asshole. Who meets for coffee at B&N in a town where, like, 90% of the businesses are locally owned coffee shops? This mastermind asshole, that’s who. Today was forecasted to be the perfect traffic storm of Friday + SXSW + Obama’s motorcade, so I thought, Where can I go suck on some caffeine without having to fight off a bunch of hipsters who want to talk about vinyasa yoga and Grandpa Bernie? See? Now you get it. I’m a genius.

Anyway, I leave B&N (which is mostly a novelty gift store now, apparently), and decide I need to stop by HEB to get garbage bags. It’s noon on a Friday and the parking lot is already a shitshow, but no biggie because it’s My HEB, and my HEB is always a shitshow.

I head straight to the trash bags, grab what I need, and at the last minute I decide I should also buy a coke because otherwise what am I supposed to mix with my rum in a few hours when I’m able to justify drinking alone because a) it’s a Friday, b) I’m a writer, and c) traffic (thanks, Obama). So I take a quick detour to snag a cold coke.

Now pay attention, because this is where I become unstuck in reality. I’m walking past the cosmetic aisle, and this girl maybe a few years younger than me is standing by a promotional table, and she’s dressed in a white lab coat. Clearly a dermatologist, says my dumb brain. So I ignore her like I’ve ignored all medical professionals for the past couple years and try to walk by, but I know based on my demographic that I’m a target for whatever makeup she’s trying to sell the shit out of with her ethos-soaked lab coat. I give her a little half smile without making eye contact and she yells, “CAN I HAVE YOUR WRIST?”

Holy crap. I turn to look at her. “Sorry?” I’m spooked.

She has the sleeve of her lab coat rolled up to expose her forearm, which she holds out to me, palm up, as she points wildly to it, presumably to help me follow along. “I JUST NEED TO SEE YOUR WRIST!” I’m horrified, because she’s coming at me rather aggressively and my brain is really lagging on making sense of any of this. All I know for sure is this fake doctor is shouting about wrists and pointing at hers, so I glance down to see why she’s gesturing so wildly at her exposed forearm and there’s this huge keloid scar right down the middle of it. So now my brain is trying to process this fake doctor’s obvious past suicide attempt. But at the same time, her scar looks similar to the batch I have on my thigh from when I was fourteen, so my brain is also wondering, How does she know about my scars? Because now my dumb brain is pretty sure this is a scar thing she’s trying to sell me rather than a liquid foundation deal or something along those lines. And already I’m like, Nah, not gonna work, before I even know what the hell brand she represents. I mean, obviously it’s not going to work or else her suicide scar wouldn’t be protruding from her wrist like a freaking nematode, scaring the everliving shit out of me.

So, terrified, I clutch the box of garbage bags to my bosom and say, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in a hurry,” like such thing as a garbage bag emergency exists, and I’m in the midst of a raging one. As I power walk away from her, she shouts after me, “DOCTOR RECOMMENDED! FORTY PERCENT OFF!” I wonder if she’s actually chasing me, but I’m too spooked to look back over my shoulder because then I’ll trip and fall and she’ll get me, you know?

Don’t worry, though; I shake her. Then I spend a good thirty seconds staring into the small drink fridge by the checkout, trying to figure out whether I want Coke, Dr. Pepper or if I’m actually dead and it doesn’t matter. Does rum even exist in the afterlife?

I’m here to tell you that, assuming my car was T-boned by a texting driver somewhere around Mo-Pac and 71 and I’m dead, which seems like the most logical conclusion at this point, yes, rum does exist in the afterlife and I’ve had a lot of it since I got home.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the eBook

As an indie author, there’s really nothing more magical than holding a hard copy of my book in my hand for the first time.

I imagine holding your child in your arms for the first time might feel similarly invigorating, but books don’t ruin your social life for eighteen years and then bankrupt you because they want to attend NYU (or literally any four-year university at this point) but didn’t bother applying for scholarships.

Anyway, books are awesome. There’s a tactile experience that you get from reading a book that is unique and gratifying. Nothing like being able to feel the gradual shift in weight from your right hand to your left over a period of hours as you burn through one page after another. And then there’s the smell. Mmm…

But here’s the thing.

The rate of Americans who read even one book a year is steadily declining. I know plenty of people who want to read more, and I genuinely believe that they mean it. There’s usually this sad look in their eyes when they say, “I should read more books.” It’s the same look they have when they lament how long it’s been since they spoke with an old friend or binge-watched Firefly. So why don’t people read more? They clearly want to. What’s stopping them? Duh. Netflix. The Internet. The insane cost of buying a new book. The health risks associated with stepping foot in a library (I’m not a fan). The list goes on. Now if only there was a way around some of those things…

Enter eBooks. I still can’t believe how many friends I have who pride themselves on being well read but get all elitist and look at me like I’ve lost my mind when I suggest they get an eReader.

Dramatization by Senga.

I get it. I was there too. For all the reasons mentioned above, I had a love affair with hard copies of books (and still do). But I thought I’d try a Kindle Paperwhite, and you know what happened? I read ten books in the first month and a half. That was more than I’d read the previous year. I even finished East of Eden—now one of my favorite books ever—which I’d stopped reading—seriously—because it was so big and unwieldy, and with my neck and back pain, I prefer to read lying down.

Voila! Hands-free.

You don’t need to have back pain, weak arms, and a big-ass book to benefit from the eBook revolution, though. Here are the main reasons why I suggest you get over your bias and just give in:

You’ll read more. I think this is the noblest reason of all. We all know reading makes you more knowledgeable, more empathetic, helps improve memory, and so forth. Those are all great things. Why not try something new if it means gaining all these benefits?
You’ll save money. Sure, if you want to buy an eReader, there’s an up-front cost (although Kobo now sells one for only $39.99). But if you already have a tablet or smartphone, guess what? You have an eReader. Kindle has a free app you can download that allows you to read anything from their humongous selection of books. They even have Kindle Unlimited, where you pay a monthly fee comparable to a Netflix or Spotify subscription and have access to all kinds of books that are enrolled in the program. Then there’s the added benefit of eBooks being really freaking cheap. Most indie authors sell their books for no more than $4.99 a piece, but no matter what book your buying, the eBook version is always cheaper than the physical copy.
You can have access to books instantly. Listen, I love going to Barnes & Noble as much as the next gal. I love the feel of bookstores so much I used to work at one in college. You can still enjoy that experience when you want, but when you don’t want, you don’t have to. You can sit at home, browse B&N or Goodreads or Amazon or Kobo, find something you like, download it, then read it right away without even having to put on pants.
The book is changing. Did you know authors love Facebook and YouTube and other things that require more flash and less time to consume? This means that the structure of the book is changing, at least in the indie realm. Like any old, oligarchical industry, traditional publishing takes a while to shift to meet the demands of the reader. If a writer gets a literary agent and if their book is picked up by a traditional publisher, it could be months if not years before the work sees the light of day. Meanwhile, indie eBook publishers can feel out the market, adapt the form to fit the consumer’s desires and produce a product in almost no time at all. One of the cool results of this is that books are being marketed more like other forms of entertainment. In a time where there is so much entertainment available, consumers are defaulting to the economics of dependability, meaning people like to know they’ll enjoy something before they’re willing to commit their hard-earned money to it (think film remakes and films based off popular books). The result of this consumer expectation is that TV shows have become where it’s at lately because viewers are willing to spend thirty minutes or an hour on something they’re not certain they’ll enjoy because the risk is so low. If the pilot episode sucks, you move on with only a little time out of your life wasted, but if you like it, you now have a whole wealth of viewing pleasure to look forward to. Self-publishers are noticing that, and when there’s no printing cost and the time it takes to format a book and release it for print is dramatically shorter, authors can now afford to structure books like television, and so they do. The first book in a series is often free or discounted so that readers can decide if they like it with little to no risk, and as the author doesn’t incur printing costs, they and can afford to do that. And if the first few books of the series take off, the author can focus more time on that series to meet the demand. But that structure just isn’t possible with hard copies, and the traditional publishing industry is late to the game on that technique, even though it benefits both writers and, most importantly, readers.
Access your books anywhere. I have a Kindle, and I have the Kindle app on my phone. I may not bring my Kindle everywhere, but I always have my phone on me, so I can read wherever I go. I imagine most people keep their smartphones on them at all times. So that means when you’re meeting friends at a restaurant or bar and they all decide to run late, leaving you to hold down the table for an unspecified amount of time, you can whip out your phone, open up the Kindle app, and pick up reading right where you left off. Now think about it. When your friends show up half an hour later than they said they would, which would put you in a better mood: knowing you spent the time wisely and productively having read a book you love, or feeling that they’ve wasted your time by leaving you alone with nothing to do besides scrolling mindlessly on Facebook, Twitter, or (god forbid) Tinder?
There are amazing titles that are only available as eBooks. Here it is: the self-promotion. I’m releasing my newest book, A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways, on Valentine’s Day this year, but only as an eBook. Why? Basically because it’s cheaper, easier, and faster, meaning I can move on to other projects I think my readers will like. I’m not alone in this. Hard copies are becoming an afterthought for most indie writers. The common stigma surrounding self-publishing is that the quality of product is inferior to traditional publishing. That might have been true five or ten years ago, but I can tell you that it’s not necessarily true today. Sure, there are some terrible writers who self-publish, but there are easy ways to spot a good book, like positive reviews, seeing it featured on email lists or websites, and of course, good old-fashioned word of mouth. Don’t be scared of indie writers, is what I’m saying. That fear could keep you from finding your next favorite author, and with the financial stakes so low with eBooks, you really don’t have much to lose by trying new things.
You are guaranteed to find something you like. Because bookstores have limited space, the books you can find there are the ones that will appeal to the widest audiences and make the store the most profit. But what if your tastes are more refined or specific? What if you really want to read intergalactic giraffe romcom, to the point where you’re like INTERGALACTIC GIRAFFE ROMCOM OR BUST! This is just an example. But the point is that if you have specific taste, you’re not likely to find a wealth of hard copy books that satisfy that. So then what happens is people start to mope around like, “I can’t find any books that I like,” or “I feel like I’ve read all the good books.” And then reading ceases to be a thing. But once you open yourself up to the world of eBooks, there’s almost an endless supply of whatever your weird niche happens to be. So then you keep reading and keep reading and keep reading.
Save space in your home. If one of your recent reads includes The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, then I basically don’t need to say any more on this topic. But if you haven’t read that, think about this: You want to read fifty books a year. Does it make more sense to house those fifty books somewhere or does it make more sense to keep them all confined in a space the size of a copy of Of Mice and Men, which we all know you read in high school because it was literally the thinnest book you could find that the teacher allowed. “But what happens if my eReader breaks? I’ll lose all my books!” No, you won’t. It’s called the Internet. As long as you have your Amazon/B&N/Kobo account, your books are safe and can be downloaded to another device. To those of you who are okay with the cesspool that is a public library, I say great; this reason doesn’t apply to you. Have fun getting on a waiting list to read books that other people have most likely handled while taking a shit.
The authors you love get paid more. If you aren’t an asshole, this will matter to you. People work hard to produce the writing you love. If you want them to continue writing, they need your money. The beauty of eBooks is that they cost the writer nothing to publish, and the profit on each sale can be anywhere from 35-70%. That’s so much more than when printing costs, let alone agent and publisher costs, get involved. The incredible royalties and the lack of up-front costs (outside of editing and possibly cover design and formatting) are what allow so many talented writers to quit their day job and create the art you want to consume. Supporting that with your purchase is pretty freaking respectable.
Read things you’re not proud of. One word: erotica. Why do you think this genre is kicking ass lately? Because it’s now easier than ever to read it on the DL. Not into porn-y stuff? No problem (liar), but I’m sure there are books you’d like to read that you don’t necessarily want the world to know about. Consider self-help, cheesy YA, books you should have read by now, or literally anything by Dan Brown.
Get caught up on the classics for free. This one’s pretty simple. Kindle has a bunch of free books like Frankenstein, Dracula, Gulliver’s Travels, and Pride and Prejudice that you can download and read up on, allowing you to finally stop lying about having read them. You can buy the hard copies of those book for cheap, but they’re not free. 
You can still buy hard copies. Love a book? Fine. Buy the hard copy. I still have physical copies of Harry Potter, Hitchhiker’s Guide, Dark Tower, The Princess Bride and so forth, because seeing those revs my engine. I’m not suggesting you Fahrenheit 451 all your hard copies. But you don’t have to keep ones you don’t care about.

Are you sold yet? If so, here’s what to do next:

Find the eReader that’s right for you!

Sign up for The Collective to be the first to know when I publish new eBooks.

A Reader’s Guide to A Single’s Guide

Guess what! I have a new book coming out next month called A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways. A lot is about to be happening with it in the next few weeks, including an announcement of the official release date and the cover reveal. If you’re signed up for my mailing list, The Collective, then you’ll be the first to know as each important tidbit becomes available—this includes any promotions, giveaways, etc. You should sign up, is what I’m saying, because this is going to be a big year for my personal brand (I’ve officially become the thing I hate).

Because A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways is a little different from the previous books I’ve published, I thought I’d hold a little Q&A with myself regarding it, so we all know what to expect.

Q: What is your book called?

A: A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways. I just told you that.

Q: What’s your book about?

A: Okay, this is both the most common question I’m asked and one that I hate more than hearing people call it a “li-bary.” I’m not saying it’s an unfair question, just that describing your own book to someone who’s really just vetting your first sentence to see if they should tune out or not is about as fun as scratching nails down a chalkboard while smuggling Africanized bees in your pants across the US–Mexico border. But because I asked myself so nicely…

A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways is a comedy that follows Natalie through her college years and beyond as she travels through the six major geographical regions of Texas searching for… love? No. Sex.

Q: Is this one of those sex-porn books?

A: No. Natalie is not very good with men, so unfortunately for her, this story generally lacks any sex.

Q: Then what good is it?!

A: I don’t honestly know.

Q: Who should buy this book?

A: Everyone. Everyone should buy this damn book. Buy your friend a copy, too.

Q: Who should read this book?

A: I don’t care. No, I do care. People who like leaving bad reviews on Amazon should not read this book. And people who can’t handle the realness of being a young, single woman who doesn’t feel like turning to Tinder to solve her dating woes should also not read this book. (They should still buy it, though.)

Q: So this is a book for women.

A: That’s not a question.

Q: So this is a book for women…?

A: Yes. It’s also a book for men who don’t believe that books about men are for everyone while books about women are only for women, you chauvinist asshole. But yeah, I think women might generally enjoy this read more so than men, but only because the protagonist is a woman and she experiences things unique to being a woman that women might relate to directly. You know, sort of how white men can leisurely enjoy most of the accepted western canon because the protagonists are almost all white men experiencing things unique to the white male experience. But somehow non-whites and non-females somehow figure out how to enjoy those books, too. Mine’s kind of like that.

Q: So wait, your protagonist is non-white?

A: Oh no, she’s white. About as white as they come. She’s white, I’m white, write what you know, etc. I will say, though, that on the cover, she appears ~blonde.~

Q: What was it like writing a blonde character when you’re a brunette?

A: I’m not going to lie, this was one of the greatest professional challenges I’ve faced.

Q: So what made you do it?

A: I couldn’t find anything on Bigstock I liked that included a brunette.

Q: Rumor has it that the stories included in A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways are based on your own experience. Is that true?

A: Somewhat. Especially the part where she’s not great at dating. But honestly, I could go on and on about how fact and fiction overlap entirely all the time anyway. So are some of the gentlemen readers will meet in “Single’s Guide” based off of real men I’ve dated? OF COURSE NOT, LEGALLY SPEAKING.

Q: Lastly, where can people go to stay updated on all the latest H. Claire Taylor fanfare?

A: I had no idea I would ask that! Good thing I happen to have a whole treasure trove of links to chuck at you. Take your pick!

H. Claire Taylor’s Official Website – Browse my life in a super invasive way!

The Collective – Sign up for my e-mail list so that you don’t have to be social media’s slave!

Facebook – Already social media’s slave? Great! Like my Facebook page!

Twitter – I mostly just write my random thoughts and neuroses on here, but if you tweet at me, I’ll tweet you right back in your stupid face! I don’t take no tweet from nobody!

Amazon.com – Here’s where you buy my stuff!

A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways will be available for download to your Kindle device February 2016!

The Ugly Truth of Publishing & How BEST to Support Writers

I want to shout this off a mountaintop! But all I have is a blog, so that will do.

Kristen Lamb's Blog

Original Image via Flickr Creative Commons, courtesy of Anurag Agnihotri

Well, I figure I have one more day to drunkenly torch my platform. Sad thing is I don’t drink. I am apparently this stupid when sober :P . Actually I am writing this as a follow up for my rant from the day before yesterday, because knowledge is power.

Writers need this. Your friends and families need this. Readers need this. The more people get how this industry works, the more everyone can start working together for everyone’s benefit.

In my book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World, I go into a LOT more detail and I highly recommend you get a copy if you don’t have one. I spend the first chapters of the book explaining how the various forms of publishing work so you can make an educated decision.

All types of publishing have corresponding…

View original post 3,294 more words

Favorite Things 2015

Oprah’s been making her list of favorite things for years, and I think it’s finally time someone stop her. Things have gotten out of hand. You ask the average person to list off their five favorite things they own, and “truffle” will probably not make the list. For the average person, her favorite things are those that keep her from wanting to just sort of lie down in the middle of her gross, carpeted living room floor, hoping that no one finds her there while she waits for God to give her a sign—any sign—that there exists a reason to get up off the ground. Right? I feel like that’s right.

So for those of you who don’t regularly look on Oprah’s Favorite Things list each year to figure out how to outshine the neighbor you hate at the HOA Christmas gala, let me walk you through some of the things that made the list this year, along with my suggestion for a similar, yet less batshit crazy alternative.

Oprah: Custom Pet Ornaments

Description: “The problem with the dog lovers on your list: They’ve already got lots of cute framed photos of their furry friends. But do they have a mirrored gold ornament in the shape of their pet, engraved with his name? Didn’t think so. I have a few people in mind who would love this.” —Oprah

Price: $24 ea

 

Claire: Literally Just Shitbags

Description: Your dog will never stop pooping for the rest of its life. Your dignity has long since been reduced to zero since that first time your dog watched you bag his doodoo like the poop slave you are. The black bag symbolizes the death of your self-respect.

Price: $17.49 for 960 bags 

 

Oprah: Material Girl Puffer Vests

 Description:”Make like a Bond girl in these machine-washable, quilted, insulated puffer vests in three very hot metallic shades.” —Oprah

Price: $60 ea.

 

 

Claire: Yoga Pants

 Description: For those who don’t want to actually look more bloated than you feel around the holidays, skip the puffer fish outfit and put on these yoga pants. You don’t even have to wear underwear with them, eliminating one more tedious step of getting dressed in the morning. Also a great way of fooling your friends into thinking you’re limber or athletic, rather than just lonely.

Price: $12.99 ea

 

 

Oprah: Family Jammies

Description: “Striped jammies for the whole clan! This is one of my very favorite things. These 100 percent organic cotton pj’s come in baby, toddler, kid, and adult sizes and a range of patterns and colors. The rugby stripe version might be just the thing for this year’s holiday photo.”  — Oprah

Price: Originally $13 to $40, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH

Claire: Condoms

Description: If you don’t want your life to turn into that nightmarish Where’s Waldo page where you’re somehow supposed to be able to pick the correct Waldo out of a crowd of thousands, try these. Any brand will do. Resist the urge to double wrap when you look at the Family Jammies picture, because that doesn’t actually work.

Price: Way cheaper than a family

 

Oprah: I Love Sundays Oversized V-Neck Comfy

Description: “I must really love Sundays because I’m putting this sweatshirt on my Favorite Things list for the second year in a row! It’s just as soft as last year’s version, but now it’s available in V-neck and—this one’s for you, Gayle!—in yellow!” —Oprah

Price: Originally $98 each, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH

 

Claire: Dry Shampoo
Description: For those of you who don’t magically have both a job you love and almost one hundred dollars to buy a sweater, here’s something more useful for your Sundays and Monday mornings. Because we know you put off everything important till Sunday, and now there’s no time for a shower. Try not to look like a mess all the time.

Price: $6.99

 

 

 

Oprah: Park Avenue Faux-Fur Pet Jacket in Chinchilla

Description: “What’s your dog begging for? Surely, a faux-fur jacket—tricked out with a jeweled button closure and a practical opening for a leash. (I would have put this on my dogs when I lived in Chicago.) Bonus: It’s machine washable (use a gentle cycle for maximum fluffiness).” —Oprah

Price: $39

 

Claire: Sugar-Free Gum
Description: What’s your dog begging for once you put a stupid faux-fur jacket on him? Death. Swift death. Ingesting xylitol can kill a dog within three hours, and it’s cheaper than putting him down at a vet. This product also freshens human breath and helps prevent cavities.

Price: $13.49 for a super lethal dose

 

 

 Oprah: Xocolatti Tower
Description: “As luscious as they are pretty, these thin, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate squares, in unexpected flavors like mango paprika and rose almond, are just the right size for a 3 P.M. (or 10 P.M. or 11 A.M.) snack.” — Oprah

Price: Originally $75, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH

 

 

 

 

 

 

Claire: “The Poor Man’s Xocolatti”
Description: This stuff tastes good, but the biggest selling point is that it doesn’t cost $75 freaking dollars. Like, are you kidding me?

Price: $3.49 for 12 pieces

 

 

 

And that’s not even close to all the WTF foods Oprah has on her list. Not. Even. Close.

Giant and Signature Turtle Basket

Description: “Sitting down? You’ll need to be to handle 15 pounds of chocolate turtles (hand-roasted nuts and caramel coated with milk, dark, or white chocolate) presented in a 5-pound edible basket. That’s 20 pounds of chocolate, people! I’ve ordered the giant version for certain friends, but smaller appetites can get the signature size.”—Oprah

Price: Giant Turtle Basket, originally $500, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH. Signature Turtle Basket, originally $90, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH

Dude. Oprah. My girl. Are you really trying to sell someone 20lbs of chocolate at $25/lb? Don’t get me wrong, I love a little chocolate. I even love a lot of chocolate, but holy poop. What “friends” does she hate so much that she would send them a one-way, first-class ticket to Diabetesville? And I don’t know how she managed to write that description without an aggressive “you fat-ass” thrown in there. I guess it’s heavily implied.

Oprah Bruffin Bundle

Description: “Behold the Cronut of 2015: the Bruffin! Brioche-like stuffed muffins worthy of breakfast, lunch, or dinner are themed by country—the British has bacon and sharp cheddar; the Italian has pepperoni, pesto, and Parmesan; the American has Buffalo chicken, blue cheese, and hot sauce. A world of yum!”  — Oprah       

Price: Originally $85 for set of 12, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH

Oprah! I was ready to eat gluten for you, but I’ve literally never heard of any baked good being $85/dozen. And it’s not even a baker’s dozen! Also, the fact that I keep reading the title as Oprah’s Muffin Grundle makes it much less appetizing.

Chelsea Market Baskets Torres Black Truffle Chip Basket

Description:”I discovered these potato chips in Spain this summer. They’re dangerous—super crunchy with an intense black truffle taste. Bet you can’t eat just one…unless it’s one entire bag! Bring them to a holiday open house for a sure hit.” — Oprah

Price: Originally $65 for six bags, now 20 percent off with code OPRAH

 

 

I would have to be high on PCP to spend $10.50 on a bag of chips, and even then, I’d probably just steal them and punch my way through the store’s front window to escape. So not even if I were high on PCP would I buy this. Considering truffles cost more per ounce than gold, though, this makes sense, price-wise. I might even call it a steal (because, again, I would just steal it).

 

Alma Chocolate Favorite Icons Collection

Description: “These gilded organic dark chocolates in the shape of spiritual totems would look perfectly at home on an altar. But wouldn’t you rather eat them?” – Oprah

Price: $120

 

 

I think Oprah needs to talk to someone about her desire to eat spiritual totems, because that seems like something, I dunno, the Devil would want to do? Also, I think we need to talk about what constitutes a spiritual totem. A key is not a spiritual totem. Granted, it fits in well here, but that might be due to it being gilded in gold. A turd could look at home in that picture if it had enough gold on it. And speaking of turds…

Eli’s Bread challah menorah

Description: “Adam’s always kvetching about the lack of cute Hanukkah treats, so he was thrilled to find this braided challah menorah. A bright addition to the Festival of Lights.” – Oprah

Price: $45.00

 

I don’t know whether to make a poop joke or a penis joke here. I would almost pay the $45 to not have to look at this thing anymore.

I wish I could say Oprah’s weakness for food is what blurred her judgment so much, but there are non-edibles that are just as baffling, if not more.

American Beagle Outfitters antler beanie

[image error]Because if I know one thing about dogs, it’s that they love when you put shit on their head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Personalization Strap Key Rings

 

“Oh nice, dog leash…wait.”

Keychains. Get yours personalized for only $88.

 

 

 

 

Vince melange sweatpants

These sweatpants cost $195. There’s not even a punchline here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Special Edition Clarisonic Face Brush

John: “What the hell is that?”

I’ll let Oprah explain: “Works as a cleansing tool, looks like a party.”

So that explains nothing. This is actually a face brush for the Gattaca enthusiast in your life, or maybe that aunt who read 50 Shades and has been dropping some weird pleasure/pain hints lately.

This bubbly torture device can be yours for only $149.

 

 

Women’s Cashmere Aran Turtleneck

John: “I will have to divorce you if you start wearing turtlenecks.”

What I think he meant was that he would have to divorce me if I insisted on wearing $369 turtlenecks like these. I think.

 

 

 

Snow Tubes

This is the most amazing description from the list: “I have a sledding hill at my Telluride house, and I’m going to stash some of these durable buffalo plaid snow tubes there for guests who like to go fast and look good doing it.” —Oprah

You know it’s a good buy when there’s an episode of Rescue 9-1-1 about it.

 

So maybe this year, instead of turning to Oprah’s Favorite Nightmare Menagerie, you might try actually getting to know the person to whom you want to give the perfect gift, including yourself. Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that anything that could land you on Rescue 9-1-1 is just not freaking worth it.