Marcel Ray Duriez's Blog, page 28
October 13, 2016
Reviewed By Janelle Fila for Readers’ Favorite
Reviewed By Janelle Fila for Readers’ Favorite
Eventide
3 stars
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work.
I love first person which you used in the sentence "My breath quickens faster..." But if you are going to write in first person, you can't slip into past tense like "I could see slivers" and "That is when I knew" and "That dawn was showing me." Then just a few sentences later you are back in first person with "I kick and kick..." This is all in one paragraph! No matter which tense you chose you have to stay with it the entire story.
Some of the other sentences tended to ramble and I got confused easily. For example, "I walk to the front of the alter he looks up from the book in which he was reading. It's not a Bible. I was sure I knew him he give me his seed witch made my life. It looks to be an old book on philosophy." Rewrite: I walk to the front of the alter. He looks up from a book on philosophy. I didn't understand the next sentence (and should that witch after seed be which?)
Another example is: "Then it just hit me, I need to find a lily flower and a four leaf clover, and mix it with some monthly blood of the girl I love, that’s the potion I think I need." Rewrite. Then it hit me. The potion I need uses a lily flower...
If you write simple, straightforward sentences, your reader will stay with you forever!
Eventide
3 stars
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work.
I love first person which you used in the sentence "My breath quickens faster..." But if you are going to write in first person, you can't slip into past tense like "I could see slivers" and "That is when I knew" and "That dawn was showing me." Then just a few sentences later you are back in first person with "I kick and kick..." This is all in one paragraph! No matter which tense you chose you have to stay with it the entire story.
Some of the other sentences tended to ramble and I got confused easily. For example, "I walk to the front of the alter he looks up from the book in which he was reading. It's not a Bible. I was sure I knew him he give me his seed witch made my life. It looks to be an old book on philosophy." Rewrite: I walk to the front of the alter. He looks up from a book on philosophy. I didn't understand the next sentence (and should that witch after seed be which?)
Another example is: "Then it just hit me, I need to find a lily flower and a four leaf clover, and mix it with some monthly blood of the girl I love, that’s the potion I think I need." Rewrite. Then it hit me. The potion I need uses a lily flower...
If you write simple, straightforward sentences, your reader will stay with you forever!
Reviewed By Jessyca Garcia for Readers’ Favorite
Reviewed By Jessyca Garcia for Readers’ Favorite
3 stars
There are things that I really liked about Marcel Ray Duriez’s book A Panda Bear Named Mandy and there were some things I did not like. The story was cute and I liked that it rhymed but it came out too quickly. One page Mandy is in school, the next she is at a playground with her father. If the author can focus on one thing like Mandy goes to School or Mandy Spends a Day with Dad, then the story will make a little more sense and there could even be a Mandy series.
The way the story is written out is in a paragraph. If it was written in the form of a poem the story would flow better and children can see the rhyming words easier. This will make it a lot easier and more interesting for children to read.
The illustrations are hand drawn, which I like, but they do appear blurry at times. Some of the pictures are hard to see what exactly is happening in them. If there is a way to make them bigger and have the story’s words on top of them it might appear better. The story is short but it needs to be badly edited because there are a lot of spelling and punctuation errors in it. On page 3 it reads “lines casted”. It should say lines cast. On page nine the word is “grown” but it is supposed to say groan. These are just a couple errors that I am pointing out.
I like the idea that Mandy is a panda bear. There are not too many stories about panda bears out there. Once the story is edited better I am sure it will do well, especially with children just learning how to read.
3 stars
There are things that I really liked about Marcel Ray Duriez’s book A Panda Bear Named Mandy and there were some things I did not like. The story was cute and I liked that it rhymed but it came out too quickly. One page Mandy is in school, the next she is at a playground with her father. If the author can focus on one thing like Mandy goes to School or Mandy Spends a Day with Dad, then the story will make a little more sense and there could even be a Mandy series.
The way the story is written out is in a paragraph. If it was written in the form of a poem the story would flow better and children can see the rhyming words easier. This will make it a lot easier and more interesting for children to read.
The illustrations are hand drawn, which I like, but they do appear blurry at times. Some of the pictures are hard to see what exactly is happening in them. If there is a way to make them bigger and have the story’s words on top of them it might appear better. The story is short but it needs to be badly edited because there are a lot of spelling and punctuation errors in it. On page 3 it reads “lines casted”. It should say lines cast. On page nine the word is “grown” but it is supposed to say groan. These are just a couple errors that I am pointing out.
I like the idea that Mandy is a panda bear. There are not too many stories about panda bears out there. Once the story is edited better I am sure it will do well, especially with children just learning how to read.
Reviewed By Bobbie Grob for Readers’ Favorite
Reviewed By Bobbie Grob for Readers’ Favorite
Sammie Ellie
3 star
Although the plot of the story is a good one, the mechanics of the book need a great deal of work. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation. If these things are not your strong suit, find someone to look the book over for you. Many readers will lose interest in a book immediately when it is presented with too many errors. Remember that quotation marks go ONLY around the exact words that a character is speaking.
I took several notes that I hope will be helpful to the author's growth:
P. 10: The dog cannot know what the little girl is feeling as she looks at him through the window. He can HOPE that she is adoring him and wanting to take him home, and he can feel a connection to her himself, but he cannot know what she is thinking or feeling.
P. 12: Previously, the dog did not know what cars were, so he shouldn't know about something as abstract as a holiday (Christmas, in this case). He also cannot describe what the scene looks like outside the box when he is inside it, although he can describe what he feels and hears.
If you want to describe your characters, which is always a good idea, it should be done fairly early in the book, not in the middle of it, especially in a book for children.
Your first and third paragraph look as though the author meant to write one, then changed it around and forgot to delete the first thing that was written.
P. 13: The dog should not know that they're going ice skating unless he has heard the girl talk about it. Since you have no dialogue, the dog might describe what he does see and smell and try to guess what is coming, but since he is so young and has never seen a winter, he should be quite surprised at frozen water. This could be a really fun scene to write!
I hope these suggestions will be helpful to the author.
Sammie Ellie
3 star
Although the plot of the story is a good one, the mechanics of the book need a great deal of work. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation. If these things are not your strong suit, find someone to look the book over for you. Many readers will lose interest in a book immediately when it is presented with too many errors. Remember that quotation marks go ONLY around the exact words that a character is speaking.
I took several notes that I hope will be helpful to the author's growth:
P. 10: The dog cannot know what the little girl is feeling as she looks at him through the window. He can HOPE that she is adoring him and wanting to take him home, and he can feel a connection to her himself, but he cannot know what she is thinking or feeling.
P. 12: Previously, the dog did not know what cars were, so he shouldn't know about something as abstract as a holiday (Christmas, in this case). He also cannot describe what the scene looks like outside the box when he is inside it, although he can describe what he feels and hears.
If you want to describe your characters, which is always a good idea, it should be done fairly early in the book, not in the middle of it, especially in a book for children.
Your first and third paragraph look as though the author meant to write one, then changed it around and forgot to delete the first thing that was written.
P. 13: The dog should not know that they're going ice skating unless he has heard the girl talk about it. Since you have no dialogue, the dog might describe what he does see and smell and try to guess what is coming, but since he is so young and has never seen a winter, he should be quite surprised at frozen water. This could be a really fun scene to write!
I hope these suggestions will be helpful to the author.
"Forks"
Do you know, that Stephenie Meyer Twilight Saga was called "Forks" in her first manuscript? And the story was never meant to be published. It was a dream that she had, and that became Twilight book 1 at around a 130,000 words. I think that is what is so disgustingly creepy about the story, your reading her fantasies as if she is Bella and Edward can do nothing wrong. Bella is weak and Edward is her hero, that she never had in real life.
The Fault in Our Stars
The Fault in Our Stars, its "okay"... not at all what I thought it would be, some blasphemy, really sad, yet has good meaning behind the story. Finding love comes down to fate, having their love is what makes you shine, love never dies even if you burn-out.
September 26, 2016
September 11, 2016
Book re-view for The Bullier
Book re-view for
The Bullierby Rebecca c Benamati
I have read up to the end of the free per-viwe, and I would say, there is a start here to a story, that could go places, yet it has many missing links- and is just a wall of run- on and fragments... that are said over and over, with nothing really said, why is it sounding so child- like, to make it more readable say what you mean. There are many countless things, that I see that make my want to scream like a freaking nut case, swearing profanity’s at your for not knowing 2nd grade English, I just want to say- ‘oh my god- like, she didn't!’ In this young writers why's of doing thing, I want to be nice about this- I love that you have the girl-ie balls to tell your story... good for you- in doing so. See this " use it. Math needs that... always cap, an I please- thanks... hey don't think of this as me being a dick to you- I love to see you giving it your all. Work on your craft and you go places you never dreamed of. 3 lines of text, should be one paragraph, at this point with your past history of not have English under your belt, I would say this is not bad, yet I look at this and say- holy fucking dick shit there are more than six mistakes in one line of text. Someone tell why this is…? Ok – wow it’s… Okay- see that? That would be the right spelling here."Your high-school teachers have failed you- and it shows in the text. This is not on you…!" Sorry to say your writing is at and or less then second grade, and your grammar is at suck; you don't have anything listed about what the book is or what it stands for.
Why should I read it/ spend my hard eared money on for it.
What is the hook? Y
ou don't have one- as of this point, and I should have seen it by now.
The best part was the rat- to me that was the first page, of what should have been the first chapter starting lines of wording. You need to see that... you have not done this yet way would it be in the past? 3rd- hummm?
You do not need sixty exclamations, to show your happy or sad- by the way we frown on that, find more moving was to say how you sense.
No and Know- who and whom ... awwwahhh!‘A lot’ is a piece of land… found out why I say this.Remember: this is just my thoughts, of someone that walled the same vary halls as the hunted, some of this town; would ask: “why- I would make a comment?” Saying: “how would he know…“ “were the crow shits in the buckwheat.” Yet, I have the free rights too… best of luck!
September 10, 2016
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