Ais's Blog, page 6
April 7, 2013
Writings
I recently learned that there's a function on GR to add writings to one's profile so I decided I may as well do that for some of the stuff I've done recently.
Check here: http://www.goodreads.com/story/list/8581195-ais or on my profile
Right now I have up Deliverance, written for The Slash Pile's May Anthology travel edition (Wanderlust), and Never Odd or Even, the palindrome story I posted a few months ago.
Excerpts:
Deliverance:
"And what if it wasn't, Reese?" Luke demanded, rounding on the corner as if the man were standing in front of him. "What the fuck then? This could be a distress signal--"
"He taught us better than to use shoddy work like a fucking old alias--"
"Stop being so goddamned hooked on the alias! You just don't want to believe it's him so you're coming up with excuses ahead of time."
"And you do want to believe it's him," Reese snapped back. "If you'd get his dick out of your head for one minute you could think clearly about all this."
"Ha," Luke said harshly. "If you'd get mine out of your head you wouldn't be so fucking biased."
The ringing silence that met that statement caused even Luke to stop and realize what he'd just said. Before he could say anything else, the phone abruptly went dead. Luke looked down at the blank screen and swore aloud.
So much for never bringing that up.
----------
Never Odd or Even
JJ stared at the offending door in distaste. It wasn't even a nice shade of green. It was some sort of weird hybrid of cucumber and snot. It looked like puke. It was pretty much just puke.
"I got it at a discount," Silis continued proudly.
"Was it free?"
"No, why?"
"Then it wasn't discounted enough."
===============
NOTES:
I changed some minor things for Deliverance between the anthology edition and the GR edition, mostly because there was one part I'd never liked but I was in a rush and in another country with limited internet at the time of finishing it for the contest so I had to go with it. It's still not perfectly edited but most glaringly huge mistakes should be caught I think.
Both stories are completely unrelated to any other stories. You will find those characters only in those stories.
I'm going to try to make myself write more random oneshots and as I do so, I'll start adding them there so it's all in one place.
Check here: http://www.goodreads.com/story/list/8581195-ais or on my profile
Right now I have up Deliverance, written for The Slash Pile's May Anthology travel edition (Wanderlust), and Never Odd or Even, the palindrome story I posted a few months ago.
Excerpts:
Deliverance:
"And what if it wasn't, Reese?" Luke demanded, rounding on the corner as if the man were standing in front of him. "What the fuck then? This could be a distress signal--"
"He taught us better than to use shoddy work like a fucking old alias--"
"Stop being so goddamned hooked on the alias! You just don't want to believe it's him so you're coming up with excuses ahead of time."
"And you do want to believe it's him," Reese snapped back. "If you'd get his dick out of your head for one minute you could think clearly about all this."
"Ha," Luke said harshly. "If you'd get mine out of your head you wouldn't be so fucking biased."
The ringing silence that met that statement caused even Luke to stop and realize what he'd just said. Before he could say anything else, the phone abruptly went dead. Luke looked down at the blank screen and swore aloud.
So much for never bringing that up.
----------
Never Odd or Even
JJ stared at the offending door in distaste. It wasn't even a nice shade of green. It was some sort of weird hybrid of cucumber and snot. It looked like puke. It was pretty much just puke.
"I got it at a discount," Silis continued proudly.
"Was it free?"
"No, why?"
"Then it wasn't discounted enough."
===============
NOTES:
I changed some minor things for Deliverance between the anthology edition and the GR edition, mostly because there was one part I'd never liked but I was in a rush and in another country with limited internet at the time of finishing it for the contest so I had to go with it. It's still not perfectly edited but most glaringly huge mistakes should be caught I think.
Both stories are completely unrelated to any other stories. You will find those characters only in those stories.
I'm going to try to make myself write more random oneshots and as I do so, I'll start adding them there so it's all in one place.
March 31, 2013
Productivity and dissatisfaction
It occurred to me recently that I rarely use this blog to talk about anything in particular so I figured I'd mention this now:
I kind of hate how my satisfaction is so tied in with the idea of productivity.
For years, I felt guilty if I wasn't working on ICoS when I had free time... I turned down plans on the weekends to hang out with friends because it was the only day that would work for Sonny and me to write, and if I got home tired from work and wanted to watch tv all night, even if I did so I felt frustrated by the time I went to sleep. As if I'd wasted precious time.
When ICoS was finally finished, I had two weeks of bliss in which those feelings weren't nagging me in the back of my mind all the time. I thought maybe it had simply been me interested in finishing the first long series I'd been involved in writing.
But in the last weekend, that nagging sense has returned. Only now, it's even more frustrating because I don't have a clear sense of what to do about it. At least before I always had a list of chapters to think about.
Also what's weird is for seven years I've found myself randomly thinking of plot ideas for ICoS, and now when I think about the series I either hit a blank when I realize the story ended, or I think of all sorts of ideas that I know can't really be written anymore. Either because it's past the point where it would have fit in the plot or because it would basically have to be part of another long, convoluted series, and that's not something either of us are interested in doing right now.
Also, I know I could write oneshot side stories or something but I don't... really want to. It's just that I get flashes of ideas and now I don't have a place to stick them anymore. It was so weird clearing all the notes off my whiteboards and collecting all the sticky notes scattering my workspace for years. I guess I just have to find a way to do that mentally as well.
I have some stories I planned to write on my own but I've always been a huge procrastinator whose writing (like pretty much everyone) is so tied into inspiration, so that sometimes even if I sit down with the intention of writing, I can't really get anywhere.
That hasn't actually been my problem lately. My problem has been I'm not really sure which project I want to do next because none of them are more interesting than the other to me right now, or necessarily that interesting at all. I get distracted and discouraged relatively easily, given that I'm generally pretty hard on myself, so it's also usually pretty easy for me to give up on things before I even begin. It's not that I would give up on a story, I'd just give up on bothering to work on it any time soon, or give up on the idea of ever sharing it, or give up on the idea of it being interesting, or anything else along those lines.
I get pretty listless pretty quickly.
But maybe that's why I tie in some sort of weird self-worth into productivity, because I know how lackadaisical I become and how easily it happens, so if I spend time without accomplishing something, no matter how small a goal, I feel like I wasted the entire day, or weekend, or whatever time period. It may just be a day yet I do this on many days. But then, I'm also the sort of person who really needs quiet weekends to recharge for the week.
I don't really have a solution for any of this, except I'm well aware that I should just write anyway, or research if I don't feel like writing, or write notes, or whatever other options there are out there (of which there are many). This conundrum is nothing new for me-- it's been happening for a long time with me and I'm sure it's exactly the same for many, many people out there.
Still, the weirdest part of it all is that this sense of dissatisfaction or restlessness comes pretty close on the heels of meeting two goals I've had for a long time that I really didn't think I'd be able to meet. Finishing a long series, and finishing a book before I was 30. I honestly thought a lot of the restlessness was tied into wanting to make sure I met those goals, but if I'm still feeling that way afterward, apparently I was mistaken.
The reason I posted about this at all is because it was an interesting case study for me in the context of my life: the ability to face an assumption (that the guilt of not writing was related to having a set goal and worrying it wouldn't be met) and find it to be incorrect, attributing the issue to my personality itself, apparently. Which is kind of annoying, when it gets right down to it, because that means this feeling will probably never leave.
Well, anyway. This was a completely uninteresting post I'm sure but I ended up feeling like working through the thoughts in my head.
I kind of hate how my satisfaction is so tied in with the idea of productivity.
For years, I felt guilty if I wasn't working on ICoS when I had free time... I turned down plans on the weekends to hang out with friends because it was the only day that would work for Sonny and me to write, and if I got home tired from work and wanted to watch tv all night, even if I did so I felt frustrated by the time I went to sleep. As if I'd wasted precious time.
When ICoS was finally finished, I had two weeks of bliss in which those feelings weren't nagging me in the back of my mind all the time. I thought maybe it had simply been me interested in finishing the first long series I'd been involved in writing.
But in the last weekend, that nagging sense has returned. Only now, it's even more frustrating because I don't have a clear sense of what to do about it. At least before I always had a list of chapters to think about.
Also what's weird is for seven years I've found myself randomly thinking of plot ideas for ICoS, and now when I think about the series I either hit a blank when I realize the story ended, or I think of all sorts of ideas that I know can't really be written anymore. Either because it's past the point where it would have fit in the plot or because it would basically have to be part of another long, convoluted series, and that's not something either of us are interested in doing right now.
Also, I know I could write oneshot side stories or something but I don't... really want to. It's just that I get flashes of ideas and now I don't have a place to stick them anymore. It was so weird clearing all the notes off my whiteboards and collecting all the sticky notes scattering my workspace for years. I guess I just have to find a way to do that mentally as well.
I have some stories I planned to write on my own but I've always been a huge procrastinator whose writing (like pretty much everyone) is so tied into inspiration, so that sometimes even if I sit down with the intention of writing, I can't really get anywhere.
That hasn't actually been my problem lately. My problem has been I'm not really sure which project I want to do next because none of them are more interesting than the other to me right now, or necessarily that interesting at all. I get distracted and discouraged relatively easily, given that I'm generally pretty hard on myself, so it's also usually pretty easy for me to give up on things before I even begin. It's not that I would give up on a story, I'd just give up on bothering to work on it any time soon, or give up on the idea of ever sharing it, or give up on the idea of it being interesting, or anything else along those lines.
I get pretty listless pretty quickly.
But maybe that's why I tie in some sort of weird self-worth into productivity, because I know how lackadaisical I become and how easily it happens, so if I spend time without accomplishing something, no matter how small a goal, I feel like I wasted the entire day, or weekend, or whatever time period. It may just be a day yet I do this on many days. But then, I'm also the sort of person who really needs quiet weekends to recharge for the week.
I don't really have a solution for any of this, except I'm well aware that I should just write anyway, or research if I don't feel like writing, or write notes, or whatever other options there are out there (of which there are many). This conundrum is nothing new for me-- it's been happening for a long time with me and I'm sure it's exactly the same for many, many people out there.
Still, the weirdest part of it all is that this sense of dissatisfaction or restlessness comes pretty close on the heels of meeting two goals I've had for a long time that I really didn't think I'd be able to meet. Finishing a long series, and finishing a book before I was 30. I honestly thought a lot of the restlessness was tied into wanting to make sure I met those goals, but if I'm still feeling that way afterward, apparently I was mistaken.
The reason I posted about this at all is because it was an interesting case study for me in the context of my life: the ability to face an assumption (that the guilt of not writing was related to having a set goal and worrying it wouldn't be met) and find it to be incorrect, attributing the issue to my personality itself, apparently. Which is kind of annoying, when it gets right down to it, because that means this feeling will probably never leave.
Well, anyway. This was a completely uninteresting post I'm sure but I ended up feeling like working through the thoughts in my head.
March 23, 2013
Donation goal met!!
To everyone who donated, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Since I started the campaign about a week ago, we already met the donation goal of $200 for charity: water!
THANK YOU!!!! <33
If you wanted to donate but couldn't yet, as it turns out the campaign is still open through June 17-- and if we exceed the goal, that's even better! But if you can't, I completely understand-- I'm already extremely happy that the goal was met!
If you donated and you gave an email address or way to contact them, when the project is implemented (18 months after the end of the campaign which is June 17) they'll contact you with what/where the project is, pictures, GPS coordinates, etc. If you did not leave an email address because you wished to remain anonymous, I will do my best to post everywhere I'd originally asked for donations with an update :)
You can probably also go straight to the campaign page too:
TO DONATE: http://mycharitywater.org/for-sergio
PROJECT PAGE: http://mycharitywater.org/p/myprojects/?member_id=137317
Thank you thank you thank you again! You have no idea how much I appreciate you.
I don't think I mentioned it over here but the reason I wanted to do this campaign this year is because I'm turning 30, and I thought that since most people consider that to be an Important Birthday, I wanted to do something actually important for it.
And I thought, what was more important than something like this?
THANK YOU!!!! <33
If you wanted to donate but couldn't yet, as it turns out the campaign is still open through June 17-- and if we exceed the goal, that's even better! But if you can't, I completely understand-- I'm already extremely happy that the goal was met!
If you donated and you gave an email address or way to contact them, when the project is implemented (18 months after the end of the campaign which is June 17) they'll contact you with what/where the project is, pictures, GPS coordinates, etc. If you did not leave an email address because you wished to remain anonymous, I will do my best to post everywhere I'd originally asked for donations with an update :)
You can probably also go straight to the campaign page too:
TO DONATE: http://mycharitywater.org/for-sergio
PROJECT PAGE: http://mycharitywater.org/p/myprojects/?member_id=137317
Thank you thank you thank you again! You have no idea how much I appreciate you.
I don't think I mentioned it over here but the reason I wanted to do this campaign this year is because I'm turning 30, and I thought that since most people consider that to be an Important Birthday, I wanted to do something actually important for it.
And I thought, what was more important than something like this?
March 17, 2013
Please help me bring clean water to people who need it
I've started a fundraising campaign at charity: water to help fund projects to provide safe, clean drinking water to communities in the world that truly need it.
http://mycharitywater.org/for-sergio
100% of your money goes STRAIGHT to the water projects. That's right-- 100%. So every penny you give is truly important.
I set the goal relatively low at $200 in the hopes that the goal can be met by June 17-- but if we can go above the goal, even better!
If you wonder why water is so important-- not only can lives be saved with clean water and proper sanitation, but it also helps give young women and other children the time needed for education that can affect their future options. Clean water can help give opportunities for a safer, healthier life.
For more information, please watch this video: The water crisis
Please help if you can, no matter how small an amount you can donate!
http://mycharitywater.org/for-sergio
100% of your money goes STRAIGHT to the water projects. That's right-- 100%. So every penny you give is truly important.
I set the goal relatively low at $200 in the hopes that the goal can be met by June 17-- but if we can go above the goal, even better!
If you wonder why water is so important-- not only can lives be saved with clean water and proper sanitation, but it also helps give young women and other children the time needed for education that can affect their future options. Clean water can help give opportunities for a safer, healthier life.
For more information, please watch this video: The water crisis
Please help if you can, no matter how small an amount you can donate!
March 3, 2013
Beginning and End, In the Company of Shadows
I'm sure everyone knows In the Company of Shadows is finished, but I'm blogging for my own, nostalgic records.
I still have the AIM conversation from when ICoS first came into being in our minds. It was December 31, 2005. Below are some excerpts but the entire conversation and some others can be found at our forum post How Important Decisions Are Made. You can find more at our Story Bonuses section.
It was 2:44 pm when Sonny said this to me on AIM:
Sonny: i want to write something but i cant think of any ideas
Ais: original or fan?
Sonny: hmmm
Sonny: i want to try original
Ais: different idea than one you've done before?
Ais: you had that baseball story you'd started
Ais: or planned to
Sonny: eh
Sonny: i want to start something newww
Sonny: you have to help meee
Sonny: you want to cowrite something?
Ais: sure ^_^
We didn't have a clue what we felt like writing but we both agreed that futuristic/realistic might be fun. How Sin got involved was by a throwaway comment of mine:
Ais: ive been mad about all these rp chracters i created that flopped
Ais: because the rpgs died
Sonny: yea
Sonny: me too
Sonny: like sin
Ais: yeah!
And when Boyd came up, I couldn't even remember his name.
Sonny: we could use characters we already have
Ais: and i never got to do much with ......i just forgot his name -_-
Ais: B...
Sonny: who
Ais: fuck. the son of the supermodel. Lou's friend.
Sonny: ohhhh
Sonny: shit
Ais: i forgot his fucking name XD
Sonny: me too
Ais: it was a little weird
Sonny: i dont know
Sonny: senile
Ais: i'll find it
Ais: i still have the d9 info
Ais: boyd!
RPG Sin wasn't exactly what he became in the series, but he served as a starting point that became more nuanced as the plot was decided. When we first were planning ICoS, we were thinking of writing a series of multiple people as main characters. Sin and Boyd were going to be just one partnership, and we were still basing Sin on the RPG version of him. He was going to be a psychopath who liked to torture and kill women, and who was only lucid some of the times.
We were still deciding on Sin's partner at the time, trying to figure out which of my RPG characters we could adjust to the new setting and use as his partner.
Ais: i think it'd be kinda hilarious if it were Boyd, but he's not badass. i just think it'd be funny XD i could make him badass of course. or i could just use someone else entirely. i dont really care.
Sonny: thatd be funny xD
Sonny: it has to be someone that can keep sin in line
Ais: just the idea of a scrawny girly-looking boy obsessed with dark poetry trotting along next to a perverted psycho-killer XD
Sonny: yea XD
Ais: through, what? being bad ass enough to lay the smackdown if he goes all psycho?
Ais: or would he have something over sin? like the collar?
Sonny: hmmm
Sonny: then sin would eventually turn on him
Ais: true
Sonny: if it was like the collar
Ais: it should be something that has some sort of respect in some way
Sonny: it could be mental control
Sonny: yea
Ais: by being intelligent enough to control his emotions? talk him into or out of anything?
Sonny: yea
Ais: also should he be a cold person? like, if he's working with Sin he obviously wouldnt care about people dying
Sonny: yea
Sonny: in a way he like would give sin the orders i think?
Ais: that works
Sonny: except when sin just wanders off to get some girl
Ais: probably the jobs come to him first, and then he brings them to Sin's attention.
Sonny: yea
Ais: yeah except when Sin wanders off XD and he's like "...damnit."
Sonny: im trying to decide if sin is a raving loony or if hes lucid at some times
Ais: i really want it to be Boyd XD like, he was already a sort of cold person in d9, emotionless in some ways. i could see him easily becoming emotionless and cold, and i could make him a decent fighter but of course Sin could kick his ass. if i figured out his past i could even make it so that he's emotionally controlling. i mean he was already really intelligent... would it bother you if it were a variation of Boyd?
Ais: itd make a funny picture so i dunno if that'd detract from the story or add to it. XD
Sonny: no thats what ive been imagining
Sonny: that its boyd
Ais: ok yay!
Ais: i liked Boyd, but barely got to play him.
But even then, the series wasn't planned to be any particular way as far as the sexual orientations.
Sonny: is this het or gay or both
Ais: doesnt matter to me. both?
Sonny: whatever works
Ais: we could just create characters or use characters and see what happens.
Sonny: yea
Ais: i always liked that the most ^^
Sonny: yea me too
Originally, we were actually assuming that Sin was straight, that Boyd was only going to be his keeper, and that their relationship would be strictly as partners, probably strained.
Eventually, we figured out a rough idea of a plot and started writing, and then we found to both of our surprise that Sin and Boyd had a strange chemistry between them that became undeniable. It became evident pretty quickly that they would be attracted to each other, but originally we were just randomly starting scenes based on whatever sounded interesting at the time. It became too difficult for me with Boyd because he was opening up from being closed off completely, and I couldn't keep track of the progression without it being chronological.
So we sat down, decided to outline an actual plot of sorts, and started over with writing. The series was never going to be a series at all. It was going to be one story that was mostly Evenfall but had incorporated parts of later books as well. We didn't go into it planning to share it with anyone, it was just something we were doing for the hell of it to pass the time when we were bored.
Sonny was the one who wanted to share it on AFFN. I thought he was insane and that no one was going to read it so why bother, but I told him he could go for it if he wanted. It didn't matter to me, since I knew it wasn't going anywhere.
But I was wrong.
It's been 7 years and 2 months since ICoS first became an inkling of an idea in a random AIM conversation, and 6 years and 3 months since we first started sharing the story on adultfanfiction.net.
I never would have guessed we would end up with the length of story that we did, or that we would be lucky enough for anyone else to want to read it, let alone like it so much. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride but if I had to give one word for how I feel with it done, it would be 'relieved.'
It's the first long series I've ever been involved in finishing in its entirety, and we got to tell the story we wanted to tell for these characters.
Thank you to every single one of you who has been with us from the start, and to those of you who joined later and kept going. I know the series brought out a lot of strong emotions in various ways, but when it came down to it, that's how life is... it's not straight and simple and easy. There are pitfalls and detours and moments of frustration. With several main characters with moderate to severe issues, when we went to tell the story we didn't feel we could tell it any other way.
Thank you again, and I'm wishing you all the best!
I still have the AIM conversation from when ICoS first came into being in our minds. It was December 31, 2005. Below are some excerpts but the entire conversation and some others can be found at our forum post How Important Decisions Are Made. You can find more at our Story Bonuses section.
It was 2:44 pm when Sonny said this to me on AIM:
Sonny: i want to write something but i cant think of any ideas
Ais: original or fan?
Sonny: hmmm
Sonny: i want to try original
Ais: different idea than one you've done before?
Ais: you had that baseball story you'd started
Ais: or planned to
Sonny: eh
Sonny: i want to start something newww
Sonny: you have to help meee
Sonny: you want to cowrite something?
Ais: sure ^_^
We didn't have a clue what we felt like writing but we both agreed that futuristic/realistic might be fun. How Sin got involved was by a throwaway comment of mine:
Ais: ive been mad about all these rp chracters i created that flopped
Ais: because the rpgs died
Sonny: yea
Sonny: me too
Sonny: like sin
Ais: yeah!
And when Boyd came up, I couldn't even remember his name.
Sonny: we could use characters we already have
Ais: and i never got to do much with ......i just forgot his name -_-
Ais: B...
Sonny: who
Ais: fuck. the son of the supermodel. Lou's friend.
Sonny: ohhhh
Sonny: shit
Ais: i forgot his fucking name XD
Sonny: me too
Ais: it was a little weird
Sonny: i dont know
Sonny: senile
Ais: i'll find it
Ais: i still have the d9 info
Ais: boyd!
RPG Sin wasn't exactly what he became in the series, but he served as a starting point that became more nuanced as the plot was decided. When we first were planning ICoS, we were thinking of writing a series of multiple people as main characters. Sin and Boyd were going to be just one partnership, and we were still basing Sin on the RPG version of him. He was going to be a psychopath who liked to torture and kill women, and who was only lucid some of the times.
We were still deciding on Sin's partner at the time, trying to figure out which of my RPG characters we could adjust to the new setting and use as his partner.
Ais: i think it'd be kinda hilarious if it were Boyd, but he's not badass. i just think it'd be funny XD i could make him badass of course. or i could just use someone else entirely. i dont really care.
Sonny: thatd be funny xD
Sonny: it has to be someone that can keep sin in line
Ais: just the idea of a scrawny girly-looking boy obsessed with dark poetry trotting along next to a perverted psycho-killer XD
Sonny: yea XD
Ais: through, what? being bad ass enough to lay the smackdown if he goes all psycho?
Ais: or would he have something over sin? like the collar?
Sonny: hmmm
Sonny: then sin would eventually turn on him
Ais: true
Sonny: if it was like the collar
Ais: it should be something that has some sort of respect in some way
Sonny: it could be mental control
Sonny: yea
Ais: by being intelligent enough to control his emotions? talk him into or out of anything?
Sonny: yea
Ais: also should he be a cold person? like, if he's working with Sin he obviously wouldnt care about people dying
Sonny: yea
Sonny: in a way he like would give sin the orders i think?
Ais: that works
Sonny: except when sin just wanders off to get some girl
Ais: probably the jobs come to him first, and then he brings them to Sin's attention.
Sonny: yea
Ais: yeah except when Sin wanders off XD and he's like "...damnit."
Sonny: im trying to decide if sin is a raving loony or if hes lucid at some times
Ais: i really want it to be Boyd XD like, he was already a sort of cold person in d9, emotionless in some ways. i could see him easily becoming emotionless and cold, and i could make him a decent fighter but of course Sin could kick his ass. if i figured out his past i could even make it so that he's emotionally controlling. i mean he was already really intelligent... would it bother you if it were a variation of Boyd?
Ais: itd make a funny picture so i dunno if that'd detract from the story or add to it. XD
Sonny: no thats what ive been imagining
Sonny: that its boyd
Ais: ok yay!
Ais: i liked Boyd, but barely got to play him.
But even then, the series wasn't planned to be any particular way as far as the sexual orientations.
Sonny: is this het or gay or both
Ais: doesnt matter to me. both?
Sonny: whatever works
Ais: we could just create characters or use characters and see what happens.
Sonny: yea
Ais: i always liked that the most ^^
Sonny: yea me too
Originally, we were actually assuming that Sin was straight, that Boyd was only going to be his keeper, and that their relationship would be strictly as partners, probably strained.
Eventually, we figured out a rough idea of a plot and started writing, and then we found to both of our surprise that Sin and Boyd had a strange chemistry between them that became undeniable. It became evident pretty quickly that they would be attracted to each other, but originally we were just randomly starting scenes based on whatever sounded interesting at the time. It became too difficult for me with Boyd because he was opening up from being closed off completely, and I couldn't keep track of the progression without it being chronological.
So we sat down, decided to outline an actual plot of sorts, and started over with writing. The series was never going to be a series at all. It was going to be one story that was mostly Evenfall but had incorporated parts of later books as well. We didn't go into it planning to share it with anyone, it was just something we were doing for the hell of it to pass the time when we were bored.
Sonny was the one who wanted to share it on AFFN. I thought he was insane and that no one was going to read it so why bother, but I told him he could go for it if he wanted. It didn't matter to me, since I knew it wasn't going anywhere.
But I was wrong.
It's been 7 years and 2 months since ICoS first became an inkling of an idea in a random AIM conversation, and 6 years and 3 months since we first started sharing the story on adultfanfiction.net.
I never would have guessed we would end up with the length of story that we did, or that we would be lucky enough for anyone else to want to read it, let alone like it so much. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride but if I had to give one word for how I feel with it done, it would be 'relieved.'
It's the first long series I've ever been involved in finishing in its entirety, and we got to tell the story we wanted to tell for these characters.
Thank you to every single one of you who has been with us from the start, and to those of you who joined later and kept going. I know the series brought out a lot of strong emotions in various ways, but when it came down to it, that's how life is... it's not straight and simple and easy. There are pitfalls and detours and moments of frustration. With several main characters with moderate to severe issues, when we went to tell the story we didn't feel we could tell it any other way.
Thank you again, and I'm wishing you all the best!
January 7, 2013
movie set night
It is So. Beautiful. outside right now that I had to record it somehow. It looks like a fake movie set.
Picture this:
A pitch black night with only two lights in view from other houses. A landscape so flat that normally you can literally see for miles. A layer of white snow unevenly fallen upon the ground.
Fog the consistency of exhaled breath in the cold, hugging the ground and reducing visibility to a fraction of what is normally seen. The fog rising only slightly higher than the buildings, and on the incline of a roof, rolling down slowly, silently; like honey tumbling gently down through water.
Above: a crystal clear sky, with stars completely visible, and not a moon in sight. The constellations don't stand alone; dotted within and around them are even smaller, paler stars that normally can't be seen; filling every available space. The snow, glittering. Sparkling, like a light show on every spec of visible white.
It looks like someone set up a city-sized movie set. The sky must surely be a backdrop of black velvet; the stars LED lights peeking through countless holes. Someone surely piled felt on the ground and then glued a sheet of white cotton over it, and on that they doused it in glue and the most exaggerated glitter they could find-- two layers; one a fine dust and another on top, of large sparks that catch the light and turn it ever so faintly blue.
And over it all, a fog machine rolling out a slow cloud of vapor. The world, as still as the inside of a room but quieter still, with no background hum of electronics or the creaking of a house. Nothing but silence, and the occasional Doppler Effect of a car passing by. And even then, the headlights; two yellow haloed lights approaching and two reddened haloed lights leaving, with the white fog swallowing it long before it's time.
How is it possible that this is actually what's happening outdoors right now? How beautiful can one night possibly be?
I tried to take a video; I tried to take a photo. But I only have my phone and it's terrible even on the worst of nights. I can't expect more on one of the most beautiful nights I've ever seen.
Since I couldn't take a video or a photo, I wanted to remember this somehow so, perhaps mostly as a note to self, I thought I'd describe it here.
Picture this:
A pitch black night with only two lights in view from other houses. A landscape so flat that normally you can literally see for miles. A layer of white snow unevenly fallen upon the ground.
Fog the consistency of exhaled breath in the cold, hugging the ground and reducing visibility to a fraction of what is normally seen. The fog rising only slightly higher than the buildings, and on the incline of a roof, rolling down slowly, silently; like honey tumbling gently down through water.
Above: a crystal clear sky, with stars completely visible, and not a moon in sight. The constellations don't stand alone; dotted within and around them are even smaller, paler stars that normally can't be seen; filling every available space. The snow, glittering. Sparkling, like a light show on every spec of visible white.
It looks like someone set up a city-sized movie set. The sky must surely be a backdrop of black velvet; the stars LED lights peeking through countless holes. Someone surely piled felt on the ground and then glued a sheet of white cotton over it, and on that they doused it in glue and the most exaggerated glitter they could find-- two layers; one a fine dust and another on top, of large sparks that catch the light and turn it ever so faintly blue.
And over it all, a fog machine rolling out a slow cloud of vapor. The world, as still as the inside of a room but quieter still, with no background hum of electronics or the creaking of a house. Nothing but silence, and the occasional Doppler Effect of a car passing by. And even then, the headlights; two yellow haloed lights approaching and two reddened haloed lights leaving, with the white fog swallowing it long before it's time.
How is it possible that this is actually what's happening outdoors right now? How beautiful can one night possibly be?
I tried to take a video; I tried to take a photo. But I only have my phone and it's terrible even on the worst of nights. I can't expect more on one of the most beautiful nights I've ever seen.
Since I couldn't take a video or a photo, I wanted to remember this somehow so, perhaps mostly as a note to self, I thought I'd describe it here.
January 6, 2013
Never Odd Or Even: a story
Notes at the end.
-------------
He would never understand why he had agreed to this.
"This door is green," he said blankly.
Silis looked up from the long box he was in the middle of opening. The box cutter's blade paused at the threshold of breaking through the plastic tie.
He grinned. "I know. Nice, right?"
"That's... not the word I was looking for."
JJ stared at the offending door in distaste. It wasn't even a nice shade of green. It was some sort of weird hybrid of cucumber and snot. It looked like puke. It was pretty much just puke.
"I got it at a discount," Silis continued proudly.
"Was it free?"
"No, why?"
"Then it wasn't discounted enough."
A scowl was his answer. Silis snapped the blade through the rest of the tie and dug his fingers into the box to open it.
JJ kicked the door with a sullen sort of air and then turned to look around him. The sun was blazing like a motherfucker in the sky, if the phrase could even be used for that. Really, according to heathens who liked to dally in a curse or two like him, what didn't a motherfucker do? Except, often, literally fuck their mother? He didn't think he'd ever seen it used properly. Like, 'that motherfucking incest book.'
He smirked to himself. Note to self: find a book about incest. Write a review like that.
Check and mate.
"Stop getting your shit all over my house. Your shoes are going to leave a mark."
Now Silis sounded sullen, too. Good. It could be a Sullen Off.
"It's not even your house yet."
"Yes it is."
"Like, maybe the bank gets taken over by aliens in the next five minutes. Did you think of that?"
"Yes," Silis said with an impressive amount of sarcasm ladled all over his word salad. "I got the right insurance for it, too. Act of Extra-terrestrial. It's a thing. Look it up."
"I don't believe you."
Silis snorted. "Good."
Silis seemed to be winning this Sullen Off by adding a dash of snark.
Motherfucker.
"I'm going to write a story about you having an incestuous love connection with your matriarch," JJ informed him.
"Make it hot."
JJ made a face. This man sucked.
"Stop standing around like a fucking hipster and get to work."
"Are hipsters the only ones who stand around?"
"In skinny jeans, doing shit but staring into space thinking about how clever they are, yes."
"These aren't skinny jeans."
"I don't even have to guess which way you swung it today, dude. They're too small."
"Maybe you should stop looking if you're just going to complain."
"Maybe I'm mesmerized by it."
"Well."
JJ searched for something witty to say in return but he had nothing. It was probably the heat and the fact that he couldn't decide if that was a compliment and, okay really, the fact that Silis was commenting on his junk and giving himself a cocky little smirk seconds later. Nice curve of those lips.
Motherfucking incest.
"So here's the thing. I have something important to tell you." JJ paused dramatically. It was enough time for Silis to drop the piece of hardwood floor he had pulled from the box and straighten, looking at him expectantly. "I have a note from my doctor and I probably shouldn't be doing heavy labor right now."
"Oh Jesus." Silis's disgust was not only audible, it also made its way into the rolling of his eyes and even, JJ thought he detected, a slight little sneer. Well hello there, top lip. Normally you don't curve at quite that angle.
Silis leaned over and gathered more floorboards in his arms. "Fine, princess. Why don't you just sit and observe?"
So JJ did, because really, who was he to turn down an invitation?
The sun was a never-ending blaze, and that awful green door looked equally awfully inviting. But alas and alack, going inside meant having to work. And JJ was really not all about that today.
He scooted his shitty plastic folding chair a bit further under the lone tree in the front yard. It was old, possibly as old as the house, and its canopy spread out quite nicely, but light still found its way through the leaves to dapple the shadow on the ground.
Somehow, that light kept making its way into JJ's eyes.
"Slacker," Silis said with disdain on his fourth trip out for more wood.
JJ waved him along. "You're doing just fine, peasant. Carry on."
On his seventh time out of the house, Silis was sweating through the tight white tank top he wore. His muscles gleaned in the intense sunlight and he swept a hand back over his forehead, pushing heavy brown hair off his face. He peered at JJ.
"Seriously. What's going on?"
"Nothing," was the automatic reply, but all that earned him was a disbelieving quirk of eyebrows and a once-over that was nearly as heavy as a touch. JJ sighed and flopped back in the chair. The plastic strained and some part of the ancient mechanism made a whining creak.
Good, thought JJ. Collapse beneath me.
"My dad came home today."
"Oh."
And in that one syllable was all the significance in the world.
Silis disappeared into the house again, very briefly, and reappeared with two bottles of cold beer. He popped the tops off and handed one over to JJ, who gratefully accepted. Silis moved beneath the tree and dropped onto the soft grass next to JJ, his arm resting on one knee and blue eyes squinting up at JJ.
For a moment, all that happened was they each took a drink. Then:
"You alright?"
JJ was a long time in answering.
"Gonna be."
Silis nodded. His gaze swept away, back to the fixer-upper house he'd just bought against the warnings of everyone who knew him. Except JJ. JJ had only commented on aliens.
"You wanna talk about anything?"
JJ lazily looked up at the leaves jostling above him. It was sort of like a dance. The tree rose high so the leaves could grow so the wind could come along and Box Step through them. Sunlight shifted around him chaotically for a moment; the daylight version of a candle's flickering flame.
"Nah."
They were silent again, but the city wasn't around them. The leaves made quiet rustling sounds; traffic passed by on the busy street a block away; somewhere in the neighborhood a dog was barking loud enough for the sound to travel. JJ closed his eyes and took it in.
"Do you think I made a mistake?"
Silis's voice seemed sudden for all that it was introspective in tone, and JJ peeked his eyes open to look down at his friend. Silis's eyebrows were furrowed and he was staring hard at his house.
"Yes. That color is atrocious."
Silis's nose crinkled. He was the only person JJ knew who still looked manly while doing so. "You know what I mean." His jaw shifted; his fingers flexed on the empty beer bottle. He stared up at JJ with those crisp blue eyes that always seemed most trusting around JJ.
JJ shook his head, and then looked at the house as well. Little more than a rowhouse falling apart at the seams. It was going to take a lot of time and money to fix, and Silis didn't have a lot of either to spare.
"Nah, man." JJ straightened in the chair and looked down. "It'll be a good project, and when it's done you'll have something you can shove in those losers' faces to show them how right you were and how much they sucked for not believing in you."
A smile grew on Silis's face; starting with the edges of his lips and growing to a grin that showed his teeth, and even traveled up to spark in his eyes. His whole face seemed to lighten and in that moment he looked five years younger.
"Thanks, JJ." He sounded genuinely grateful. "I needed that."
"No problem," JJ managed even as he watched Silis stand. His ass ended up right about at JJ's eye level, but JJ tried not to notice that.
"I'm gonna get back at it. Come inside when you want, yeah? I've got more beer and you can sit in the kitchen while I do the living room."
"Okay." JJ thought his voice sounded a bit weak but Silis didn't seem to notice as he strode back into the shadows of the house.
The flutter in JJ's stomach that had accompanied Silis's smile and hadn't left since seemed stronger than ever now. He found it hard to look away from his friend's body; from his face when he was looking, and his ass and muscular arms when he wasn't. It grew worse every time they were together, which was why JJ figured it was probably smarter to stay apart.
But the thing was, it was hard to stay away from Silis, and it was hard to say no, and it was even harder when no one else was willing to support him in the biggest decision Silis had made in his life. They weren't old but they weren't exactly young, either. Buying a house was the first real grown-up thing Silis had done, and JJ had found it impossible to stay away for that.
Even if he didn't want to get involved in the renovation because then it would be a whole lot of sweaty skin bumping against each other, and watching Silis's body flex, and wearing clothing that would be too convenient to ignore how much he wanted to pull it off... Even if it would just remind him that Silis didn't think about him the way he thought about Silis, and he probably never would.
JJ closed his eyes and tipped his head back again, letting the summer day overcome him.
Christ.
He would never understand why he had agreed to this.
-----------------------------------------
NOTES:
I don't often share random things I write because I'm a loser and honestly I think everything I write sucks, but I'm trying to make an effort to throw more stuff out there.
So. Today I randomly thought to myself, "I want to write a short story that ends on the same line it begins, and all the characters' names are palindromes."
I then decided, what the hell, why not write it. And while I was at it, why not give myself two challenges? It had to be finished in 15 minutes (total failure there) and the number of words should be a palindrome on its own (win according to Word at 1661 words).
And then as I was posting I realized I didn't have a title so I figured, what the hell, why not make THAT a palindrome too? Because why not, I guess.
I can't take credit for the title, though-- I saw it on a list of palindrome phrases here: http://www.fun-with-words.com/palindr... It seemed like it could work for this story in an esoteric sort of way, though, so I went with it. The other option was Air An Aria, which sort of makes more sense, but didn't fit the vibe.
-------------
He would never understand why he had agreed to this.
"This door is green," he said blankly.
Silis looked up from the long box he was in the middle of opening. The box cutter's blade paused at the threshold of breaking through the plastic tie.
He grinned. "I know. Nice, right?"
"That's... not the word I was looking for."
JJ stared at the offending door in distaste. It wasn't even a nice shade of green. It was some sort of weird hybrid of cucumber and snot. It looked like puke. It was pretty much just puke.
"I got it at a discount," Silis continued proudly.
"Was it free?"
"No, why?"
"Then it wasn't discounted enough."
A scowl was his answer. Silis snapped the blade through the rest of the tie and dug his fingers into the box to open it.
JJ kicked the door with a sullen sort of air and then turned to look around him. The sun was blazing like a motherfucker in the sky, if the phrase could even be used for that. Really, according to heathens who liked to dally in a curse or two like him, what didn't a motherfucker do? Except, often, literally fuck their mother? He didn't think he'd ever seen it used properly. Like, 'that motherfucking incest book.'
He smirked to himself. Note to self: find a book about incest. Write a review like that.
Check and mate.
"Stop getting your shit all over my house. Your shoes are going to leave a mark."
Now Silis sounded sullen, too. Good. It could be a Sullen Off.
"It's not even your house yet."
"Yes it is."
"Like, maybe the bank gets taken over by aliens in the next five minutes. Did you think of that?"
"Yes," Silis said with an impressive amount of sarcasm ladled all over his word salad. "I got the right insurance for it, too. Act of Extra-terrestrial. It's a thing. Look it up."
"I don't believe you."
Silis snorted. "Good."
Silis seemed to be winning this Sullen Off by adding a dash of snark.
Motherfucker.
"I'm going to write a story about you having an incestuous love connection with your matriarch," JJ informed him.
"Make it hot."
JJ made a face. This man sucked.
"Stop standing around like a fucking hipster and get to work."
"Are hipsters the only ones who stand around?"
"In skinny jeans, doing shit but staring into space thinking about how clever they are, yes."
"These aren't skinny jeans."
"I don't even have to guess which way you swung it today, dude. They're too small."
"Maybe you should stop looking if you're just going to complain."
"Maybe I'm mesmerized by it."
"Well."
JJ searched for something witty to say in return but he had nothing. It was probably the heat and the fact that he couldn't decide if that was a compliment and, okay really, the fact that Silis was commenting on his junk and giving himself a cocky little smirk seconds later. Nice curve of those lips.
Motherfucking incest.
"So here's the thing. I have something important to tell you." JJ paused dramatically. It was enough time for Silis to drop the piece of hardwood floor he had pulled from the box and straighten, looking at him expectantly. "I have a note from my doctor and I probably shouldn't be doing heavy labor right now."
"Oh Jesus." Silis's disgust was not only audible, it also made its way into the rolling of his eyes and even, JJ thought he detected, a slight little sneer. Well hello there, top lip. Normally you don't curve at quite that angle.
Silis leaned over and gathered more floorboards in his arms. "Fine, princess. Why don't you just sit and observe?"
So JJ did, because really, who was he to turn down an invitation?
The sun was a never-ending blaze, and that awful green door looked equally awfully inviting. But alas and alack, going inside meant having to work. And JJ was really not all about that today.
He scooted his shitty plastic folding chair a bit further under the lone tree in the front yard. It was old, possibly as old as the house, and its canopy spread out quite nicely, but light still found its way through the leaves to dapple the shadow on the ground.
Somehow, that light kept making its way into JJ's eyes.
"Slacker," Silis said with disdain on his fourth trip out for more wood.
JJ waved him along. "You're doing just fine, peasant. Carry on."
On his seventh time out of the house, Silis was sweating through the tight white tank top he wore. His muscles gleaned in the intense sunlight and he swept a hand back over his forehead, pushing heavy brown hair off his face. He peered at JJ.
"Seriously. What's going on?"
"Nothing," was the automatic reply, but all that earned him was a disbelieving quirk of eyebrows and a once-over that was nearly as heavy as a touch. JJ sighed and flopped back in the chair. The plastic strained and some part of the ancient mechanism made a whining creak.
Good, thought JJ. Collapse beneath me.
"My dad came home today."
"Oh."
And in that one syllable was all the significance in the world.
Silis disappeared into the house again, very briefly, and reappeared with two bottles of cold beer. He popped the tops off and handed one over to JJ, who gratefully accepted. Silis moved beneath the tree and dropped onto the soft grass next to JJ, his arm resting on one knee and blue eyes squinting up at JJ.
For a moment, all that happened was they each took a drink. Then:
"You alright?"
JJ was a long time in answering.
"Gonna be."
Silis nodded. His gaze swept away, back to the fixer-upper house he'd just bought against the warnings of everyone who knew him. Except JJ. JJ had only commented on aliens.
"You wanna talk about anything?"
JJ lazily looked up at the leaves jostling above him. It was sort of like a dance. The tree rose high so the leaves could grow so the wind could come along and Box Step through them. Sunlight shifted around him chaotically for a moment; the daylight version of a candle's flickering flame.
"Nah."
They were silent again, but the city wasn't around them. The leaves made quiet rustling sounds; traffic passed by on the busy street a block away; somewhere in the neighborhood a dog was barking loud enough for the sound to travel. JJ closed his eyes and took it in.
"Do you think I made a mistake?"
Silis's voice seemed sudden for all that it was introspective in tone, and JJ peeked his eyes open to look down at his friend. Silis's eyebrows were furrowed and he was staring hard at his house.
"Yes. That color is atrocious."
Silis's nose crinkled. He was the only person JJ knew who still looked manly while doing so. "You know what I mean." His jaw shifted; his fingers flexed on the empty beer bottle. He stared up at JJ with those crisp blue eyes that always seemed most trusting around JJ.
JJ shook his head, and then looked at the house as well. Little more than a rowhouse falling apart at the seams. It was going to take a lot of time and money to fix, and Silis didn't have a lot of either to spare.
"Nah, man." JJ straightened in the chair and looked down. "It'll be a good project, and when it's done you'll have something you can shove in those losers' faces to show them how right you were and how much they sucked for not believing in you."
A smile grew on Silis's face; starting with the edges of his lips and growing to a grin that showed his teeth, and even traveled up to spark in his eyes. His whole face seemed to lighten and in that moment he looked five years younger.
"Thanks, JJ." He sounded genuinely grateful. "I needed that."
"No problem," JJ managed even as he watched Silis stand. His ass ended up right about at JJ's eye level, but JJ tried not to notice that.
"I'm gonna get back at it. Come inside when you want, yeah? I've got more beer and you can sit in the kitchen while I do the living room."
"Okay." JJ thought his voice sounded a bit weak but Silis didn't seem to notice as he strode back into the shadows of the house.
The flutter in JJ's stomach that had accompanied Silis's smile and hadn't left since seemed stronger than ever now. He found it hard to look away from his friend's body; from his face when he was looking, and his ass and muscular arms when he wasn't. It grew worse every time they were together, which was why JJ figured it was probably smarter to stay apart.
But the thing was, it was hard to stay away from Silis, and it was hard to say no, and it was even harder when no one else was willing to support him in the biggest decision Silis had made in his life. They weren't old but they weren't exactly young, either. Buying a house was the first real grown-up thing Silis had done, and JJ had found it impossible to stay away for that.
Even if he didn't want to get involved in the renovation because then it would be a whole lot of sweaty skin bumping against each other, and watching Silis's body flex, and wearing clothing that would be too convenient to ignore how much he wanted to pull it off... Even if it would just remind him that Silis didn't think about him the way he thought about Silis, and he probably never would.
JJ closed his eyes and tipped his head back again, letting the summer day overcome him.
Christ.
He would never understand why he had agreed to this.
-----------------------------------------
NOTES:
I don't often share random things I write because I'm a loser and honestly I think everything I write sucks, but I'm trying to make an effort to throw more stuff out there.
So. Today I randomly thought to myself, "I want to write a short story that ends on the same line it begins, and all the characters' names are palindromes."
I then decided, what the hell, why not write it. And while I was at it, why not give myself two challenges? It had to be finished in 15 minutes (total failure there) and the number of words should be a palindrome on its own (win according to Word at 1661 words).
And then as I was posting I realized I didn't have a title so I figured, what the hell, why not make THAT a palindrome too? Because why not, I guess.
I can't take credit for the title, though-- I saw it on a list of palindrome phrases here: http://www.fun-with-words.com/palindr... It seemed like it could work for this story in an esoteric sort of way, though, so I went with it. The other option was Air An Aria, which sort of makes more sense, but didn't fit the vibe.
December 16, 2012
I wish I could change events with words, but since I can't I'll write this entry
What's strange about writing is that, while in the process of writing stories, I often find myself putting characters through very traumatic events. When I'm reading a book or watching a show, I actually crave that for my favorite characters as well.
This seems to be something that's been in me since childhood. I distinctly remember that Jem and the Holograms was my favorite show and my favorite character was Kimber. The episode I remember the most because, bizarrely, it was one of my favorites, included a scene in which I'm fairly certain Kimber was tied up and thrown off a bridge into a river to die. That, or they were going to do this and she was saved at the last second. Did I actually want her to die? Of course not, but even my little-kid-brain apparently already craved conflict and hurt/comfort and watching my favorite characters go through hell to see how they handle it and how they come out the other side.
But here's the crucial part about all of this: IT'S NOT REAL.
As real as it can feel, as emotionally invested I can get in stories I write or read or follow, there isn't actually a person out there being put through this. Sometimes writing or reading stories where characters go through something that has occurred to people in reality can be helpful to show what it would really be like for a person in that position, to help others understand the circumstances, to provide more context and compassion for survivors of traumatic events and their loved ones, or in some cases even for the survivor themselves to process what happened to them by having it placed in a relatively "safe" medium of a made-up world.
But, while I can't stop what has already happened to people, I would certainly wish I could do everything I could to stop something terrible from happening in the future.
I was thinking about this today because I've been reading updates about the horrific mass shooting in Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. I have been sitting at my computer, reading articles that show pictures and bios of the victims, videos of loved ones struggling to come to terms with their loss, survivors and witnesses describing their actions at the time of the shooting and how they were so certain they were going to die-- and I've been crying. Every time I think I'm done I see something else and it's tears blurring my vision again until I can get it back under control. Because it's so incredibly sad and horrible and heartbreaking and Jesus fuck, there just aren't words for this. I can't even imagine what those loved ones or survivors are going through.
What was a bit surreal to me was realizing that this is the first incident I've personally read about of a tragedy occurring at an elementary school-- and in one of the stories I've been writing on and off for years, one of the characters' back stories is similar. She was a little kid in what was more or less an elementary school on the day of a horrific attack. She was the only survivor who made it past the following days, and as a result she later became a pariah to some and a focus of perverse fascination by others. In essence, on that day, not only did she lose her brother and her friends, she also lost her anonymity.
There are reasons behind this being her back story, but I guess the point is that I naturally reacted strongly to the Sandy Hook shooting, and I still do, and it wasn't until days later (really, just a bit ago) that I also made the connection back to this character.
It's so, so sad. This is absolutely one of those times when I wish something I have as a part of a character's past or present never, ever actually happened in reality.
If I were writing the real life world, none of these things would happen. I would write us all a happy ending, and peacefulness, and a chance to grow in any direction we wanted. But I can only change events on paper, and in reality all I can do is grieve for the untimely deaths of people I never knew and likely never would have, but whose loss hits me as strongly as if I had.
When people ask what superhero power I would want if I could have one, I used to think I'd like to be fluent in every language in the world (present, past, and, if possible, future) along with the ability to turn off my understanding of the language so I could appreciate the cadence of it-- but, no, I think instead I would like to be able to change reality with words, by writing like I would any other story.
But I can't do that, so instead I want to take a moment to express my deepest condolences for the loved ones of the victims and for the survivors who will have to find a way to live with what they have experienced. I want to do that not only for this incident, but every incident that preceded it-- no matter the context, no matter the crime. If anything has ever happened to someone reading this, I want to tell you that I'm sorry you ever had to go through anything like that, and with everything I have, I'm wishing you the absolute best.
Brightest blessings to you and yours, and blessed be.
This seems to be something that's been in me since childhood. I distinctly remember that Jem and the Holograms was my favorite show and my favorite character was Kimber. The episode I remember the most because, bizarrely, it was one of my favorites, included a scene in which I'm fairly certain Kimber was tied up and thrown off a bridge into a river to die. That, or they were going to do this and she was saved at the last second. Did I actually want her to die? Of course not, but even my little-kid-brain apparently already craved conflict and hurt/comfort and watching my favorite characters go through hell to see how they handle it and how they come out the other side.
But here's the crucial part about all of this: IT'S NOT REAL.
As real as it can feel, as emotionally invested I can get in stories I write or read or follow, there isn't actually a person out there being put through this. Sometimes writing or reading stories where characters go through something that has occurred to people in reality can be helpful to show what it would really be like for a person in that position, to help others understand the circumstances, to provide more context and compassion for survivors of traumatic events and their loved ones, or in some cases even for the survivor themselves to process what happened to them by having it placed in a relatively "safe" medium of a made-up world.
But, while I can't stop what has already happened to people, I would certainly wish I could do everything I could to stop something terrible from happening in the future.
I was thinking about this today because I've been reading updates about the horrific mass shooting in Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. I have been sitting at my computer, reading articles that show pictures and bios of the victims, videos of loved ones struggling to come to terms with their loss, survivors and witnesses describing their actions at the time of the shooting and how they were so certain they were going to die-- and I've been crying. Every time I think I'm done I see something else and it's tears blurring my vision again until I can get it back under control. Because it's so incredibly sad and horrible and heartbreaking and Jesus fuck, there just aren't words for this. I can't even imagine what those loved ones or survivors are going through.
What was a bit surreal to me was realizing that this is the first incident I've personally read about of a tragedy occurring at an elementary school-- and in one of the stories I've been writing on and off for years, one of the characters' back stories is similar. She was a little kid in what was more or less an elementary school on the day of a horrific attack. She was the only survivor who made it past the following days, and as a result she later became a pariah to some and a focus of perverse fascination by others. In essence, on that day, not only did she lose her brother and her friends, she also lost her anonymity.
There are reasons behind this being her back story, but I guess the point is that I naturally reacted strongly to the Sandy Hook shooting, and I still do, and it wasn't until days later (really, just a bit ago) that I also made the connection back to this character.
It's so, so sad. This is absolutely one of those times when I wish something I have as a part of a character's past or present never, ever actually happened in reality.
If I were writing the real life world, none of these things would happen. I would write us all a happy ending, and peacefulness, and a chance to grow in any direction we wanted. But I can only change events on paper, and in reality all I can do is grieve for the untimely deaths of people I never knew and likely never would have, but whose loss hits me as strongly as if I had.
When people ask what superhero power I would want if I could have one, I used to think I'd like to be fluent in every language in the world (present, past, and, if possible, future) along with the ability to turn off my understanding of the language so I could appreciate the cadence of it-- but, no, I think instead I would like to be able to change reality with words, by writing like I would any other story.
But I can't do that, so instead I want to take a moment to express my deepest condolences for the loved ones of the victims and for the survivors who will have to find a way to live with what they have experienced. I want to do that not only for this incident, but every incident that preceded it-- no matter the context, no matter the crime. If anything has ever happened to someone reading this, I want to tell you that I'm sorry you ever had to go through anything like that, and with everything I have, I'm wishing you the absolute best.
Brightest blessings to you and yours, and blessed be.
November 4, 2012
Research resources?
I'm curious what research resources people might have bookmarked that they use.
These are the places I know about:
http://www.absolutewrite.com/ and http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/
http://www.scribophile.com/
http://little-details.livejournal.com/
I also like Mythbusters as a show to use for reference on things like explosions, Hollywood vs reality, and more. But you can really only find super specific information there.
I would love to find places that are accurate on research topics like medical issues, fighting, survival, etc. Does anyone have any good sites or blogs they go for that? So far I'm understanding that there isn't a good catch-all place and that a lot of it requires specialized research for individual topics. But I figured it doesn't hurt to ask :)
If no one knows about a blog, I might end up just creating one myself to keep track of the different stuff I learn through research... but since research can be inaccurate I'm not sure how useful that would be. I wish there were a place with a well-designed search engine or complete index to locate topics by various ways, and the ability for people to comment on each topic so any inconsistencies can be challenged. In that case, having a way for the challenger to specify their experience in whatever topic or cite an accurate source as explanation for their protest would be useful. (Sort of like the way they do it on Yahoo answers). Maybe also a place for people to list all the sources they've found on different topics so at least a person can easily find links/sources without having to troll the internet first to locate the more accurate places and cull out the less accurate.
Basically, I want to find an awesome research super-center but have it be a place where a lot of the research can be pre-done and it's at this point searching through what's already been discussed. It seems like whenever I've found anything close to this, it's a forum. And I love forums, but they're much more unwieldy to navigate and doesn't provide a great way to get quick answers, with the choice to delve into it further only if wanted. Plus, a lot of these places seem to focus more on writing/editing tips and secondarily on research.
Most likely I'm just imagining some sort of crazy place that doesn't exist, but if anyone knows of a place like this, I would love to hear about it!
If I'm rambling, I apologize... chai makes me even more distractible than usual....
These are the places I know about:
http://www.absolutewrite.com/ and http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/
http://www.scribophile.com/
http://little-details.livejournal.com/
I also like Mythbusters as a show to use for reference on things like explosions, Hollywood vs reality, and more. But you can really only find super specific information there.
I would love to find places that are accurate on research topics like medical issues, fighting, survival, etc. Does anyone have any good sites or blogs they go for that? So far I'm understanding that there isn't a good catch-all place and that a lot of it requires specialized research for individual topics. But I figured it doesn't hurt to ask :)
If no one knows about a blog, I might end up just creating one myself to keep track of the different stuff I learn through research... but since research can be inaccurate I'm not sure how useful that would be. I wish there were a place with a well-designed search engine or complete index to locate topics by various ways, and the ability for people to comment on each topic so any inconsistencies can be challenged. In that case, having a way for the challenger to specify their experience in whatever topic or cite an accurate source as explanation for their protest would be useful. (Sort of like the way they do it on Yahoo answers). Maybe also a place for people to list all the sources they've found on different topics so at least a person can easily find links/sources without having to troll the internet first to locate the more accurate places and cull out the less accurate.
Basically, I want to find an awesome research super-center but have it be a place where a lot of the research can be pre-done and it's at this point searching through what's already been discussed. It seems like whenever I've found anything close to this, it's a forum. And I love forums, but they're much more unwieldy to navigate and doesn't provide a great way to get quick answers, with the choice to delve into it further only if wanted. Plus, a lot of these places seem to focus more on writing/editing tips and secondarily on research.
Most likely I'm just imagining some sort of crazy place that doesn't exist, but if anyone knows of a place like this, I would love to hear about it!
If I'm rambling, I apologize... chai makes me even more distractible than usual....
October 27, 2012
You are wonderful, you are not alone, and I want you to know that
Hey everyone.
First, I should clarify my previous entry: I posted that I might be absent because I hadn't been on social media for about a month already and I didn't want anyone trying to contact me and thinking I was ignoring them. So just FYI in general, if I ever seem to be ignoring you I probably just didn't see it. I go in waves of being involved on social media and taking a break, because I'm an introvert so sometimes social media feels too, well, social for me. But livejournal (starlite-gone.livejournal.com) or my email (mikaaislin@gmail.com) is where you can always find me.
On to the main point of this post:
I love Ellen DeGeneres' talk show. Is that what this post is about? Not at all, actually, except that youtube clips of her show are some of the things that first got this topic going in my mind and over the weeks it's been snowballing. Especially after I read Unbearable Lightness. And especially after I've been reading some book reviews that have pointed out some pervasive negative themes in stories.
And that is this: all too often, people are made to feel like crap just for being who they are. All too often, people are bullied. All too often, societal expectations exceed what should realistically be asked of anyone. And all too often, it's easy for people to fall into a state of depression or unhappiness as a result.
If this topic stands out to you as something you have experienced in your life-- recently or long ago-- first I want to say this to you:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that people or society failed you. I'm sorry that you were ever made to feel less than perfect as you are. I'm sorry that you were ever hurt.
What we all need to remember is that gender identity, sexual orientation or lack thereof, age, body shape, ethnicity-- none of these things MATTER. None of these things say anything about the person themselves. How much money you have to your name doesn't matter, whether you have a prestigious title or you're a peon like the rest of us--
It doesn't MATTER.
What matters is who you are.
What matters is what you do.
What matters is you make up for it if you make a mistake and stand strong when you don't.
What matters is you help others if they're down.
What matters is you won't let someone be hurt in front of you if you have the opportunity to do something to stop it.
What matters is you care.
Not everyone can express themselves in the same way. Some people (like myself) really don't like confrontation. Some people do. Some people feel more comfortable on the sidelines and some people like to stand out as the hero. Some people really care but are too shy or uncertain to say anything and some people care so much that they are continually brash or headstrong.
We are all different and that's okay. One person's way of life is not better than another's; they're just different.
We are also all alike and that's okay. We're all human and we make mistakes, we get scared or angry, we get uncertain or indignant. We say things we don't mean and mean things we don't say. We speak up too early or too late and miss opportunities to make a difference at the right time.
It's okay. You're okay.
You have to be yourself, that's the most important thing. Beyond that, it's a work in progress. Sometimes, even being able to BE yourself is a work in progress, because who you are might be something that causes you to be the target of negativity. In some places, just being who you are could be lethal or extremely dangerous. So if you have to hide for your own safety, that's okay.
It's okay.
You aren't a terrible person for being yourself and you aren't a terrible person if you can't BE yourself because circumstances force you into hiding.
Maybe there's no one else out there who ever feels that way but I know I did when it came to the idea of coming out.
I felt like I was flawed and wrong for not being "normal" like so many other people. I felt like I was defective. I feel like I have to hide who I am in some circumstances but in others I can be forthright. Constantly being on guard and having to consider context before comments can be stressful and, at times, distressing. Even just a couple of weeks ago I felt that distress rather clearly, and at the time what made me feel better was people telling me this:
It's okay. You're not alone. You're not wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. You're okay.
I've been thinking about it and I feel very strongly about saying the same thing to others. Because one thing that Youtube has reinforced to me is that people can be wonderful, but they can also be incredibly callous; they can be rude and spiteful and sometimes downright vindictive or mean. They can bully others because of their opinion, or insult entire continents, countries or cultures for something they don't even understand. They can rush headlong down a path that will end in heartache for someone, and it could be that they don't care or it could be that they just don't understand.
Because words are powerful, and they can build a person up but they can also break a person down.
So please take these words as much to heart as you may have ever been depressed by negative ones:
You are beautiful. You are handsome. You are a good person. You are and can be loved. You deserve to be. You deserve good things. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.
I don't care what your ancestry is or where you live, I don't care what your body shape is or whether you meet the impossible ideals that may be set forth by your society. I don't care if the gender you identify with matches the gender you were born with. I don't care if you're asexual, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, or any other variation beyond. I don't care what you believe politically, religiously, culturally, or whether you don't believe anything at all.
I don't care because all I need to know is that you're there.
We may spend time on a virtual world of social media and websites and intangible ideas made visual, with our words spelled out on a screen and not spoken by voice. We may never meet in person and may not recognize each other even if we were in the same room.
But it doesn't matter.
Because when I sit down and type to a screen, I know that a human being is on the other side of that communication. I know that out there, you get upset, you get happy; you get excited, you get down; you get curious, you get resigned.
You have a range of emotions like I do, and you have a life like I do, and you're a human being like I am. And I know that because of that you're important, and I know that because of that you deserve a chance at happiness and inherent respect the same as the rest of us.
Scientists currently estimate there are 8.7 million different species on the planet, and 7 billion humans.
There are a lot of us out there, and with such a large number maybe it does mean that there is a percentage that will hurt others without regard. Maybe it does mean that there is a percentage for a lot of variations, but that also mean there's bound to be a percentage out there like you.
If you're ever hurt, if you're ever sad, if you ever feel alone in what you're going through, remember that even if you're in a vast minority, even if less than 1 percent of the world's humans are like you, that is still up to 70 million people.
Remember that even if someone hurts you, there are others who won't and who only want to help you. Remember that even if you're sad, there are others who would want to make you happy. Remember that even if you ever feel weak or scared or vulnerable, it's okay to process those feelings and it's okay to take a break, but when you're ready to come back there are others who will stand by your side.
Maybe these people aren't always evident or easy to find. Maybe there are a lot of things that keep going wrong. Maybe you're tired of fighting. It's okay. You're okay. You're not wrong to have emotions and you're not wrong to need time to work through them.
But you aren't alone.
Because no matter what else may change, we're all human. And with 7 billion of us in the world and counting, there's bound to be someone out there who understands.
THAT is what matters.
That is all that ever mattered.
First, I should clarify my previous entry: I posted that I might be absent because I hadn't been on social media for about a month already and I didn't want anyone trying to contact me and thinking I was ignoring them. So just FYI in general, if I ever seem to be ignoring you I probably just didn't see it. I go in waves of being involved on social media and taking a break, because I'm an introvert so sometimes social media feels too, well, social for me. But livejournal (starlite-gone.livejournal.com) or my email (mikaaislin@gmail.com) is where you can always find me.
On to the main point of this post:
I love Ellen DeGeneres' talk show. Is that what this post is about? Not at all, actually, except that youtube clips of her show are some of the things that first got this topic going in my mind and over the weeks it's been snowballing. Especially after I read Unbearable Lightness. And especially after I've been reading some book reviews that have pointed out some pervasive negative themes in stories.
And that is this: all too often, people are made to feel like crap just for being who they are. All too often, people are bullied. All too often, societal expectations exceed what should realistically be asked of anyone. And all too often, it's easy for people to fall into a state of depression or unhappiness as a result.
If this topic stands out to you as something you have experienced in your life-- recently or long ago-- first I want to say this to you:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that people or society failed you. I'm sorry that you were ever made to feel less than perfect as you are. I'm sorry that you were ever hurt.
What we all need to remember is that gender identity, sexual orientation or lack thereof, age, body shape, ethnicity-- none of these things MATTER. None of these things say anything about the person themselves. How much money you have to your name doesn't matter, whether you have a prestigious title or you're a peon like the rest of us--
It doesn't MATTER.
What matters is who you are.
What matters is what you do.
What matters is you make up for it if you make a mistake and stand strong when you don't.
What matters is you help others if they're down.
What matters is you won't let someone be hurt in front of you if you have the opportunity to do something to stop it.
What matters is you care.
Not everyone can express themselves in the same way. Some people (like myself) really don't like confrontation. Some people do. Some people feel more comfortable on the sidelines and some people like to stand out as the hero. Some people really care but are too shy or uncertain to say anything and some people care so much that they are continually brash or headstrong.
We are all different and that's okay. One person's way of life is not better than another's; they're just different.
We are also all alike and that's okay. We're all human and we make mistakes, we get scared or angry, we get uncertain or indignant. We say things we don't mean and mean things we don't say. We speak up too early or too late and miss opportunities to make a difference at the right time.
It's okay. You're okay.
You have to be yourself, that's the most important thing. Beyond that, it's a work in progress. Sometimes, even being able to BE yourself is a work in progress, because who you are might be something that causes you to be the target of negativity. In some places, just being who you are could be lethal or extremely dangerous. So if you have to hide for your own safety, that's okay.
It's okay.
You aren't a terrible person for being yourself and you aren't a terrible person if you can't BE yourself because circumstances force you into hiding.
Maybe there's no one else out there who ever feels that way but I know I did when it came to the idea of coming out.
I felt like I was flawed and wrong for not being "normal" like so many other people. I felt like I was defective. I feel like I have to hide who I am in some circumstances but in others I can be forthright. Constantly being on guard and having to consider context before comments can be stressful and, at times, distressing. Even just a couple of weeks ago I felt that distress rather clearly, and at the time what made me feel better was people telling me this:
It's okay. You're not alone. You're not wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. You're okay.
I've been thinking about it and I feel very strongly about saying the same thing to others. Because one thing that Youtube has reinforced to me is that people can be wonderful, but they can also be incredibly callous; they can be rude and spiteful and sometimes downright vindictive or mean. They can bully others because of their opinion, or insult entire continents, countries or cultures for something they don't even understand. They can rush headlong down a path that will end in heartache for someone, and it could be that they don't care or it could be that they just don't understand.
Because words are powerful, and they can build a person up but they can also break a person down.
So please take these words as much to heart as you may have ever been depressed by negative ones:
You are beautiful. You are handsome. You are a good person. You are and can be loved. You deserve to be. You deserve good things. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.
I don't care what your ancestry is or where you live, I don't care what your body shape is or whether you meet the impossible ideals that may be set forth by your society. I don't care if the gender you identify with matches the gender you were born with. I don't care if you're asexual, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, or any other variation beyond. I don't care what you believe politically, religiously, culturally, or whether you don't believe anything at all.
I don't care because all I need to know is that you're there.
We may spend time on a virtual world of social media and websites and intangible ideas made visual, with our words spelled out on a screen and not spoken by voice. We may never meet in person and may not recognize each other even if we were in the same room.
But it doesn't matter.
Because when I sit down and type to a screen, I know that a human being is on the other side of that communication. I know that out there, you get upset, you get happy; you get excited, you get down; you get curious, you get resigned.
You have a range of emotions like I do, and you have a life like I do, and you're a human being like I am. And I know that because of that you're important, and I know that because of that you deserve a chance at happiness and inherent respect the same as the rest of us.
Scientists currently estimate there are 8.7 million different species on the planet, and 7 billion humans.
There are a lot of us out there, and with such a large number maybe it does mean that there is a percentage that will hurt others without regard. Maybe it does mean that there is a percentage for a lot of variations, but that also mean there's bound to be a percentage out there like you.
If you're ever hurt, if you're ever sad, if you ever feel alone in what you're going through, remember that even if you're in a vast minority, even if less than 1 percent of the world's humans are like you, that is still up to 70 million people.
Remember that even if someone hurts you, there are others who won't and who only want to help you. Remember that even if you're sad, there are others who would want to make you happy. Remember that even if you ever feel weak or scared or vulnerable, it's okay to process those feelings and it's okay to take a break, but when you're ready to come back there are others who will stand by your side.
Maybe these people aren't always evident or easy to find. Maybe there are a lot of things that keep going wrong. Maybe you're tired of fighting. It's okay. You're okay. You're not wrong to have emotions and you're not wrong to need time to work through them.
But you aren't alone.
Because no matter what else may change, we're all human. And with 7 billion of us in the world and counting, there's bound to be someone out there who understands.
THAT is what matters.
That is all that ever mattered.
