Josh Stern's Blog, page 189

How come I can't comment on your posts? I want to feel a sense of involvement here. At any rate... I liked the second to last paragraph. It inspires me to work on a paragraph about a woman covered in sperm.

I dunno…my underage nephew is my tech savvy guy…I’ll ask him after the wood nymph photoshoot

What is your book 'and that's why I'm single' about? I live in south africa and your book is not available in bookstores, thinking about ordering it on amazon.

Hey!

It’s a dark twisted tale of a guy who works in the fashion world and all the crazy people and situations he comes up against with fun results

It’s on iBook and Amazon

I hope you get a kick out of it as much as I did living it- Only good things

I know I have another good 4 hours of wet dreams in me

Usually a stream of consciousness takes place when you’re anything but

I know it’s been a good sleep when I wake up on the floor with all the bedding, sheets and pillows, strewn, bloodstained and ripped to shreds and all I can think of is ‘You should see the other guy…and so begins the weekend….

Revised sleep forecast: I know I have another good 4 hours of wet dreams in me

Constipation is not a good look in the morning. Bleary-eyed & strung out from doing absolutely nothing but wrestling the demons while I slept…. and looking for that perfect Saturday morning thrill food… and all the bloody bakeries have are these hugely over-bloated croissants with child….I think Nespresso should come out with a more efficient ‘track mark delivery system’ for introducing caffeine into the blood stream….but Sometimes in life, you have to roll with the punches- if it’s at breakfast take some grape jelly and nutella along with you and ask for a butter knife…Right about now, Death and Sex sounds pretty good in Kingdom Come

OK 15 minutes of foraging for food have elapsed and now I’m wedged in some dubiously named diner that pays it’s respect for being in this shitville Province of Quebec, I think it’s called ‘Frito-bec’, and I’m feeling like total crap as Saggy Ass Syndrome doesn’t sit well with me… I fully expect the eggs to be so runny it just has a waffle sole stuck to it…like the inside of some chick’s running shorts who was attacked by dysentery on mile 4…Just reading the headlines of the libyan hijinks and thinking “Burn marshmallows, not Ambassadors”…

Idiots!!!…….. When the US State Department issues a travel warning to American Citizens in the Middle East, it’s a pretty good indicator to pack turtlenecks and by extension, I can’t help but thinking: ‘Being Anti-Semitic makes no sense, because one day you’re going to get really old and shriveled and wrinkly and crispy and look like one of us’

But integrity is purely a rationalized justification of your more questionable actions…and there’s Revenge in victory and victory in revenge- just as long as there’s a smug satisfaction of accomplishment……..so the best that can be hoped for is:

   ’If you can put your hands behind your head and not have to make those silly ‘OOh & AHH’ sounds of support while she’s blowing you….. you’re in’

 (Tangent)

GEEZ…..You would think by this point in our evolution, to make things easier on chicks the next morning, there would be a ‘cab of shame……….she’s wearing cum stains with a little black dress in it and her ‘just fucked bed head’ screams ‘Poupoun Electrique”  …she could be cute enough to hit on…well….. after she’s been hosed down with Clearasil by the elephant caretakers at the circus…bacterially speaking, that is just a petrie dish of a gal…she’s just sobbing gently into her cell phone…so poignant

I hate Sacrificial Virgins who don’t completely grasp the concept of active Volcanoes….

 

If you are going through hell, get a map of the Star's homes

Canada is no place for a raspberry…they are really discriminated against here. Fucking Canada’s price for them is close to $4.50 a box, so when they’re 2 for $5.00 even the Indians on the Kanawahke Reservation shut down their gambling parlors and illegal cigarette trade and hi-tail it in by dogsled into the big city.

So I lived dangerously and popped a raspberry into my waiting, unwilling mouth.. waiting for that newly familiar, genetically modified lack of taste as was my last recollection from July. But this was different… it tasted like the wild ones I used to pick in the Adirondacks, when lunchboxes meant something other than carrying lunch (and maybe a lousy quickly browning apple…)- it was your favorite cartoon or spy show…

What had made things different about this holy grail of a raspberry that just fell into my lap with out the usual goosing? Had someone last night put a gun to my head and cocked the trigger, thereby making an ‘everything seem better today’ situation? No.

Had I finally met my soulmate, the girl of my dreams and my heart was soaring and everything was finally right with my bathroom plumbing? No.

Had I been finally victorious in popping that huge painful zit on the side of my back that I couldn’t reach, no matter what kitchen utensil used? No. I was groggy so that skilsaw would have to wait)

Was it the fact hat I had eaten nearly a whole box of Fiber One cereal for a late night snack with almond milk and hours later I cut a fart so noxious that it actually woke me up and tinged in my CPAP mask so I was like a jet-figter pilot just breathing in fart for a long while afterwards….cigarette smoke would have been a welcome respite, so I banged on my wall at 4 am begging my neighbor to start smoking for a change…so No.- but i was beaming, proud to have been able to achieve such an accomplishment

So what gives?  Why did these raspberries taste like sweet memories? They were from California where I am prepping my visa to move to in the next few weeks to be closer to raspberries amongst other reasons…maybe I’ll take a weekend and sojourn to raspberry mecca in Watsonville and pretend I work for Vanity Fair doing a piece on raspberries…yeah sounds very plausible…

'Rolling Numbers' Dagnammit!

Remember when getting stoned had a flair to it?  We were: ‘Rolling Numbers’   ‘Getting Small’   ‘Getting Chinese’ - back in the late 70s early 80s we took getting fucked up way more seriously…the evidence is in the descriptions…

The only thing this generation has going for it is the unbelivably hotness of these chicks, it’s positively stupid.  Retarded Hotness.  The downside is that they all sound like moon zappa’s ‘valley girl’….she has singlehandedly destroyed chicks.

 The guys all talk as if they’re stuck in a Fast and Furious’ franchise sequel…bunch of ladyboys…it’s laughable…how they allowed chicks to hijack the word ‘dude’ exemplifies their emasculation…

I fins chicks have an edgier sense of humor once they put their vaginas in storage … although when guys get genocidally misogynistic it can be pretty ripe but there’s no more fur flying because they’ve all gone Braziilan blowout your brains…

'Rolling Numbers'

Remember when getting stoned had a flair to it?  We were: ‘Rolling Numbers’   ‘Getting Small’   ‘Getting Chinese’ - back in the late 70s early 80s when we took getting fucked up way more seriously…the evidence is in the descriptions… I hate guys who gel the top of their hair into the middle and wear their shirts out like 2002 as much as wearing brogues with shorts and no socks like your stuck in the JCrew Catalog zone….

The only thing this generation has going for it is the unbelivably hotness of these chicks, it’s positively stupid.  Retarded Hotness.  The downside is that they all sound like moon zappa’s ‘valley girl’….she has singlehandedly destroyed chicks.

 The guys all talk as if they’re stuck in a Fast and Furious’ franchise sequel…bunch of ladyboys…it’s laughable…how they allowed chicks to hijack the word ‘dude’ exemplifies their emasculation…

I find chicks have an edgier sense of humor once they put their vaginas in storage …  they are way more like guys in the same way America has become way more like Europe in policy impotency…..although now when guys get genocidally misogynistic it can be pretty ripe scientifically, but there’s no more fur flying because they’ve all gone Braziilan blowout your brains…

I'm not bragging but my Nyquil-tinis are like roofies in a glass

I’m not bragging, but my Nyquil-tinis are like roofies in a glass- it’s just the delivery system semantics….A sloppy drunk chick is a momentary pleasure, but a drink is a cocktail…..

Alcohol hijinks should be devoid of hypocrisy..poor pince harry playing strip billiards is literally behind the 8 ball…it could have been worse if he was playing strip snooker…that requires way more unattractive stretching…

Why does everyone poo-poo humor and fun and all the incidental necessities that help forward the procrecreational activities of mankind. I often blame some errant feminist whose husband was lousy in the initialization of butt sex that spoiled it for everyone..

Liestrong and Prosper

Don’t get me wrong, I live for larceny- why tell the truth when you can avoid it with a lie? Is there anything more fun than fooling a date into thinking you are an arm’s dealer in Namibia?  So this whole Lance thing is a big joke- sure he had a good run…er cycle….er ride but he knew it was just a matter of time before his number was pulled..I’m sure tonight it’s Milk and Hookers time- he must be so relieved…I would be…

He’s got it all- and will probably get even better babes now…y’know the ones who go for the bad boys…I’m so envious of this guy.  I feel badly for Nike- there’s going to be a fire sale unless they have a sense of humor about the whole thing and just change everything to ‘LI_ESTRONG’- Hell that’s what i’d do…sort of like the guys who have to carry signs in front of a store by court order saying ‘I shoplifted a fridge’ or something like that…

C’mon no bad deed goes punished…he’s Lance- and always be Lance..kind of the outlaw warrior athlete who would do anything it takes to win…and isn’t that what it’s all about - a winning at all costs attitude— Who cares that Romney paid only 14% in taxes….to those morons in trailer parks that’s $2.8 million more than they paid…but Team Obama has spun it so brilliantly- I hate what obamanomics has done to the USA but I love a winning strategy, especially when it’s dirty- Kudos Axelrod

So here’s to you Lance- spend a couple of years boinking your brains out in Asia and South America and all will be forgiven after a mea culpa on 60 minutes with Diane Sawyer or reasonable facsimile

My Vagina made the Dean's List

Revelations are the brain equivalent of getting sideswiped by a bleach blonde in a red convertible…it all goes white for a sec, then whoa!  The gall of Chicks on Twitter who think by virtue of their lady parts they can achieve a following because we guys are such dogs, we just lap up anything they say about their genitals…Now I’m as much a horndog as the next guy, but the way these Chicks talk they probably should have a revolving door installed on that metallic sparkle thong…They are cultivating all sorts of new strains of bacteria for the Center for Disease Control….who needs Ebola in Namibia, just go down to the meatpacking district





Yeah I wrote ‘And that’s why I’m single” because she wants a 24/7 adulation right or wrong Eva Braun…-She writes the rules & you blindly abide and try as you might you can never jump high enough for her to earn any bankable credit.  If you can follows this to a ‘T’ you will undoubtably be deliriously happy ‘til the end of your days- You Loser Suck…Don’t you know ‘you only get married for the kids’- that’s not mine ( I wish it was ), it’s every married friend I’ve ever chanced to talk with over a sobering beer- otherise it’s ‘a shared hatred is the basis of any good animosity’ kind of hellish existence
The only way I’ll ever die of a broken heart is if I slam into something really hard.  I’ve been there, done her, way to many times to actually put a face to it…It’s just a drunken workout and a mnemonics game of where I put my clothes and how to exit in the dark..

And although even a sex camel needs a little hump now and then and times are tough, and money is short- so of course I’ll treat my body like an amusement park-  but everything in moderation really does make sense..now that I’ve split my gym sessions into morning and evening training, it’s so much easier. So 

                                      In the morning, don’t day drunk say you love me ‘cuz that’s 9 different shades of weird and I don’t want to do you again sober’ 




Blessings are an optimist’s scorecard, but who’s counting… 

Old Rockers never die, they become Char Ladies

While surfing the remote, I careened into a major pile up; hitting the end of the Olympics and in that split second before I knew what was happening I see this white haired bouffant Lady with an axe strung around her, in a getup from Halloween circa ‘76.  Who the fuck is this ugly old goat and why all the fuss- did she win some sort of sweepstakes as in: ‘Britain’s got not talent’?

I look a bit closer and I figure it’s that lovable child molester form Zepplin, Jimmy Page who these days looks better suited to wearing a house frock and hanging the wash in the backyard…but I couldn’t be sure„,so I watched on, only to learn it was Brian May from Queen….Old Queen it looked to me.  Don’t these guys look at themselves….it’s like an updated combination of Monty Python and Evel Knievel in drag.  How far the mighty have fallen down and can’t get up.

My advice: when your pony tail turns white, it’s time to come back to the real world and lose the big hair.  Justifying everything by saying ‘It was the 60s maaaaan’ is no way to go through life and is similar to full body shaving that muscleheads write  off to ‘It’s a bodybuilding thing’- sorry it doesn’t wash (except you do you bunch of hoary goady laundresses)

There is nothing more pathetic than an old hippy- grey ponytails and old man baggy ass jeans and/or old lady long jean skirts- the uniform of the pathetic…aside from the music and movies the 60s sucked and those self- inflated babies who are now worse than their Parents are just the hypoctires they laughed at…look at Grace Slick…what a joke…and she had everything including insanity

I just can’t wait for the next 10 years to pass by and they all fade away into a pimple in the annals of history.. they’re cringe factor human equivalent of showing up at a Bar Mitzvah luncheon only to be inflicted with hearing those people in walkers with Eastern European accents that never bothered to improve their English after living here 50 years…while finger-fucking the herring at the buffet table and putting napkins of chopped liver in their jacket pockets or purses ……it’s just a big embarrassment