Rachelle D. Alspaugh's Blog, page 21

Christmas 2020

This Christmas felt so different. My boys got down the tree and decorated for me while I quarantined in my room over Thanksgiving break. Mike put up garland and lights and the lit up nativity outside. As thankful as I am for them doing that for me (because, honestly, none of them really care about decorating the house), I missed a lot of the personal meaning in actually putting up the decorations myself. And since I only made it back to work for the last week before Christmas, I didn't get to decorate my room or celebrate the season with my students with the same enthusiasm as in years past. I finally got my annual names of Jesus tree put up just the other day, along with my nativities from all over the world. 

Christmas came upon me so quickly after being sick for three weeks that I have a hard time believing it's already here. The season has just been so different without Christmas parties, white elephant gift exchanges, potluck dinners with Life Group, etc. I am hoping to just cherish every moment of today with those closest to me.

I am also very sad that I can't get together with my parents for a big Christmas dinner, especially since they are only 17 minutes down the road and not several states away. But watching a friend grieve the loss of her father to COVID yesterday and knowing just how quickly the virus is spreading right now due in part to so many family/friend gatherings, I prefer to keep our distance and protect them.  

2020 has definitely held a lot of disappointments and forced us to change our expectations, but that doesn't mean we can't still be thankful. 

Today I'm thankful to be healthy and able to spend time cooking, cleaning, and eating with my family--something I wasn't able to do on Thanksgiving. Something that many that were infected with COVID are not able to do today. I'm thankful to be fever free, have no lingering cough, to wake up without body aches, and to be able to take a deep breath without it hurting. 

I'm thankful for the chance to gather in person for a candlelight service at church and still feel socially distanced. I'm thankful for twoyoung adult sons who willingly planned their day yesterday around the Christmas Eve service without even being asked to. I'm thankful for my church and my pastor who has faithfully led us through this pandemic, who has admitted was one of the greatest challenges of his life. 

I'm thankful for the quiet morning I got to spend in prayer beside the Christmas tree, with peppermint flavored coffee in my mug, a sweet kitten sleeping beside me, my son sleeping on the couch wrapped up in his new Cowboys blanket, and a mess of wrapping paper and opened gifts all around. 

Here are a few pics of Christmas 2020 in our home and with our family:

A kitten and a Christmas tree. What fun that has been to watch this year! 

My annual Jesus tree. With the kitten on his mission to take down all ornaments, my little tree had to go up outside on my back porch this year. 
Nativities from Mexico, Guatemala, Belize and Colombia,
a little nativity in a box that my mom and I made years ago,
and two teeny, tiny nativities from Spain and Colombia.
The decorations Mike put up outside for me while I was sick and quarantined in my room. I love how the cross shines so brightly behind the nativity, reminding us of why Jesus left heaven to come to earth.
My view of the 2020 version of what may have been the Christmas star, Saturn and Jupiter shining closely together.  The moon is at the top left, the planets are on the bottom right. 
Bunuelos and natilla, traditional Colombian food at Christmas. Juan made a special trip out to the local Colombian restaurant to pick up his favorite treats that he shared with us. Bunuelos are little round cheese breads, and natilla is a Colombian version of flan. 

Christmas Eve candlelight service at Lake Pointe Church








Traditional pizza after coming home from church before we exchange and open our gifts on Christmas Eve. (A tradition I grew up with as a child)

Sopapilla cheesecake bars--a recipe I saw on Facebook earlier in the day and realized I actually had all the ingredients for! Made for a nice little dessert to go with our pizza. 

My sweet little gift that actually came early on November 1st.  He wasn't too excited about taking  selfie with me. 




Juan's creative way of labeling his gifts for the family this year. Rather than writing names, he drew pictures of us. Leave it to my artsy child. 




A puzzle with Mike's truck on it. Little did I know that he actually had recently told David that he really wanted a puzzle with his truck on it! (AFTER I had already ordered it) 


Now we can match. A nice reminder of where all of our money goes to these days. Money that I am actually truly thankful to be able to invest spiritually into both of my boys. I am very thankful that God led both of them to DBU. 

The jump rope he asked for. 


Mike said, "I got that for your car so we can make it run better and faster."
Juan seemed so confused, until he opened the box and found the coat he had asked for. 

The jersey he had already ordered for himself with my card several weeks ago. 
Annual t-shirts to fit their personalities
And yet another version of Monopoly, one of his favorite games to play on long breaks.
And leave it to me to forget to label a gift and then forget what was in it and who it was for. I had Mike start to open it until I finally remembered it being the first gift I purchased (that actually a friend of mind saw at the store and got for me, knowing I was on the lookout for it!)


Seeing him hold that blue stocking that I bought for him before his first adoption attempt failed still warms my heart and fills me with incredible gratitude.

The biggest stocking stuffer hit that Juan got for all of us--a scalp massager. 


A reindeer neck massager that my kitty won't stop attacking!
Merry Christmas, everyone. Despite all the disappointments and unmet expectations of your 2020 Christmas, may you still find so much to be thankful for. Especially for our Savior who left heaven to be Immanuel, God with us. 

To feel human again

Oh, how good it is to "feel human" again. I am on Day 26 and feel about 90% back to normal. I went back to work on Monday of this last week and did as minimal as possible. The kids were so happy to have their teacher back, and we spent most of the week just relearning the routine and daily expectations (which we'll have to do all over again in January, anyway.) It sure was hard not to let them hug me or not to hug them when they came close. Such a strange, sad reality we currently live in. Monday went much better than expected, other than getting winded while trying to read to my kids with a mask on. Tuesday seemed much harder, likely because Monday's activity was such a drastic change from sitting on the couch all day. Wednesday I felt pretty good, Thursday even better, and Friday even better. My oxygen finally made it back to 100%, so I knew I was recovering well. I felt so good on Friday that I went out to eat with Mike in the evening. Those little things that I am writing in my gratitude journal every morning, trying hard not to take them for granted. Yes, most people are recovering from this virus, but there are still many that are not or that have to endure quite a bit during hospitalization before they ever do recover. I'm thankful my case did not get that bad. I am praying for those I know that are hospitalized right now. 

I've always been big at planning ahead. I may not share those plans with others, but I always have them. This sickness taught me that I don't have to always plan so far ahead. That maybe I shouldn't. I don't have to have the first week of January planned right now. God gives us one day at a time, and His grace will be enough for tomorrow. Sometimes he knocks us on the ground to remind us that we need to depend on Him alone for today's strength. For today's needs. Maybe all of 2020 has taught me that, as there truly is no real ability to plan ahead. 

One day at a time. Live it to the fullest, as much as your mind and body (and finances) allow. 

Here's to hoping we're all healthy in our home this coming week and can spend Christmas together. 

Recovering

Today is Day 20. I have been fever free since late Monday afternoon on Day 15. I stayed in my room until Tuesday afternoon, 24 hours after taking my last panicked Tylenol for what likely wasn't even a fever. I came out of my room rather nervously and still felt the need to keep my distance from everyone, even though the health department said I was no longer contagious once I hit that point. 

Wednesday I just felt tired all day, so I laid around doing pretty much absolutely nothing, realizing sadly that this might be my life for awhile- so contrary to my normally constantly productive lifestyle, always trying to stay a few steps ahead. Not this week for me, though. I stare at the sink full of dirty dishes and  then just walk away to the comfort of the couch. 

My sweet neighbor found out that I was not feeling well and sent over a bag full of two dozen hot tamales. The next day she brought over chicken, corn, and rice--still hot in the container. I found out that she and her husband had been down with COVID in July, so she understood what I was going through. 

The nurse called on Wednesday to see if I was able to be cleared for work, but I was only on two days fever free (not the three required by the school), so she could not clear me until Friday, technically. I had already decided not to go back to work until Monday, though, so now I am officially cleared. I miss the kids and unfortunately have a lot of reteaching to do after not guiding them much at all for the last two weeks, but I'm nervous about my energy level matching the need for a full day in the classroom. Thankfully it will only be a week, and then I'm off for two more weeks of Christmas break. 

My mom came over on Thursday with lunch and a chai from my favorite little coffee shop by my house. We sat outside and did our craft together that we had originally planned to do together virtually on Black Friday. Thursday seemed a bit early to try to spend time with someone, but the weather was absolutely gorgeous, so we couldn't pass up the opportunity. It really made my day to see her, plus she made this cute little plaque that I know she poured a ton of love into making for me. And then she got to see the poem in action when I met on video with three of my virtual learners. 

I can't wait to put the plaque up in my room at school, right by my computer. 

So Thursday turned out pretty well, but then I continued to have nightmares on Thursday night, waking me up often, drenched in sweat with my heart beating super fast. I can vividly remember several of them, all with me in a panic because I couldn't breathe. That kept me down most of the day on Friday, unfortunately, which really discouraged me, knowing it was my last "school" day to stay home, and I could barely get off the couch. Since the nightmares started on Monday night when I started taking my normal dose of magnesium at night to help me sleep, I wondered if the nightmares were tied to the magnesium. So last night I didn't take anything, and the nightmares ceased. I still am struggling with waking up to night sweats (a common lingering effect post-COVID that I read about), but at least I'm not waking up in any kind of panic. 

Today I woke up feeling much better but am still taking it slow so I can make it to church with my family tonight. I figured I better at least try to leave the house once or twice before attempting going to work on Monday, but at the same time, I am cautiously conserving every bit of my energy until then. In fact, I even ordered stamps for my Christmas cards online this morning just to not have to try to go to a busy post-office less than two weeks before Christmas. I'm also trying to make some creative meals with the food we still have in the fridge and pantry so I don't have to try to go to the grocery store until tomorrow morning rather than on a busy Saturday. 

I think I might go shower for the day now that I've spent a few hours on this couch. Then I'll come right back and work on getting my week planned out for school--and figure out just how many students are missing assignments. I can't blame them when they had about four different substitutes just this week, none of whom I even know. Looks like this coming week will be review, reteaching, and just reconnecting. It's the week before Christmas, so how much are they really going to be able to learn anyway? 

Stay safe out there. Live life, of course, but don't take any unnecessary chances. This has not been a pleasant experience in any way, nor is it one I would wish on anybody. 

Taking things slowly

I missed the opportunity to wake up and drink coffee with this view. 

I finally hit that magic 24 hours of being fever and med free yesterday afternoon, so I finally got to leave the confines of my bedroom. I sat outside on my back porch for quite a while just breathing in the fresh air. I got to eat dinner at the table instead of in my bed, and I sat on the floor in the living room coloring while my husband and sons watched the Cowboy's game together. 

It felt nice to wash all the bedding and towels and blankets in hot water, ridding it of all those COVID germs. My blankets felt so much softer when I went to bed. 

Last night I slept in the same bed with my husband for the first time in 16 days. It felt very strange to have a person on the other side of me rather than my pharmacy sprawled out all over his side of the bed. Even though I've checked the CDC website over and over, and have been told by the health department, that I'm fine if I've been fever and med free for over 24 hours and at least 10 days have passed, I still get nervous that I'll still pass this awful virus onto him. I am hypervigilant about every little aspect of my health now and likely will be for awhile.

I took magnesium before bed last night now that I am not on an antibiotic that doesn't mix well with magnesium, and I must say, I slept much better than I have in a while. I do have nightmares about not being able to breathe, though, and those are kinda freaky. Takes me a few minutes after I wake up to realize it was just a bad dream and that I am just fine. 

This morning I woke up and made my own coffee and breakfast. It felt so very strange. I'd gotten spoiled having everything made for me, but it felt so nice this morning to not have to wait on anyone else to wake up so they could take care of me. 

I sat on the recliner with my coffee and prayer journal, silently taking in the beautiful, peaceful sight of my sweet kitten sitting in front of the Christmas tree.

By the time I got up to shower and get dressed, I noticed that I was definitely already getting worn out. I know I didn't do much, but that's quite a bit after not having been out of bed in two weeks. I, of course, double checked all my oxygen levels out of paranoia, and I am just fine. It was just a reminder that this is going to take time and it's okay to take things as slowly as I need to. I am just going to relax and enjoy the fact that I am able to out and about my house and that I feel good. No pressure to do absolutely anything else. I am just thankful for the mental energy to at least be able to read and write again. 

I still have the option to teach remotely and not have to use my days, but I actually had subs pick up my class for the rest of the week (which is a miracle in itself), so I chose to use my days instead rather than be controlled by a teaching schedule. I finally showered up and made a video for my kids yesterday telling them why I was so sick, that I'm getting better, but that I still need to get stronger before I can come back. I have also met twice with my virtual learners this week just because they haven't had any guidance or connection with a teacher since before Thanksgiving. They begged to stay on as long as possible, so I just let them talk to each other while I held my kitty and just listened.

Oh, and speaking of my kitty, that's one post I never had a chance to write before I got so sick. Meet little Boots, our newest family member, who came home to us on November 1st. He's a sweet snuggle bug, but he's also as curious and energetic as ever, roaming around with eyes wide open, looking for the next adventure to tackle (which is usually the bigger cat, who can't stand him. LOL.) He was a completely unplanned addition, but we just adore him. 

Those little white paws are just the cutest. 

Not exactly the break I hoped for

 I longed for Thanksgiving break. I purposely took extra time to prepare the entire week of my class following the break before going home that last Friday so that I wouldn't have to even think about school over the break. 

Then I woke up that first Monday morning of my break with a horrible headache and body aches. I thought I slept wrong, so I took some ibuprofen and a hot bath and went about my day. I noticed that my cat suddenly wasn't eating or drinking, either, and I waited too late to get her into the vet. When I called, I found out you have to get onto the wait list by 6 a.m. So I got her some yummy wet food so she'd at least eat something and I forced her to lick ice cubes to stay hydrated all day until I could get her into the vet the next morning. 

David and I went out for coffee, and we'd considering swinging by my parents' house to say hi since he was home for Thanksgiving, but since I'd had the headache in the morning, it made me a bit nervous to visit them. So I took David for a hair cut instead and then came home and played games with him. 

That night, I noticed I was running a low grade fever and was glad we decided against going to my parents. I decided to self-quarantine with the cat that evening and night, though a few ibuprofen broke the fever and left me feeling just fine.

I didn't sleep well that night as I constantly checked on the cat, and I was nervous I wouldn't get on the wait list in time. When it opened at 6 a.m., I filled out the check in form online immediately and still ended up 12th in line with a 2 and a half hour wait. 3 hours later, David and I came home with a very sick cat running a high fever from an unknown infection, a round of antibiotics for her, and a big bill. The rest of the day I stayed close to home to take care of her. I slept in David's bedroom with her that night, and I woke up the next morning with horrible body aches (to which I attributed to his very uncomfortable futon bed). I went to go take a hot bath when I realized there was absolutely no hot water. Much to our dismay, the 11 year old hot water heater had rusted through and bit the dust. So Mike and David went to Home Depot and came home with a new hot water heater to install on his day off, and a very large bill--right before the weekend I'd hoped to be Christmas shopping. Ugh.

So I spent the day starting to get some baking done for Thanksgiving. At least that lifted my spirits. 

That night, I started running another very low grade fever and was starting to get worried, but I kept telling myself that it was just a sinus infection and that I was just run down from the craziest, busiest, most demanding school year ever. I stayed quarantined in David's room and nursed the cat, who thankfully was starting to regain her energy. I woke up around 2 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so I made an online appointment in the middle of the night to get tested for COVID the next evening just to be sure. 

I felt tired on Thanksgiving morning after not sleeping well, and I started reading people's posts on facebook about recently getting COVID, starting with very similar symptoms as mine. So I kept my distance from everyone. Mike smoked a turkey, and I came out to cook the potatoes and make the banana bread shortly before the turkey was ready. Then we all went outside on the back porch to eat to make it as safe as possible just in case (though I really should have quarantined and not participated in anything that day). 

Unfortunately, the place I'd made an appointment for called to cancel it, and being Thanksgiving, not a lot of places were open for testing. So Friday morning, after waking up with horrible body aches again, I called to make an appointment somewhere else, but they didn't have an appointment till the next day at noon. I took the apointment and figured maybe it was God's way of telling me I was fine. I spent the evening out in the living room watching Hallmark movies with Mike, though socially distancing myself and sitting on the floor. 

But fine I was not as I drove home Saturday afternoon with a positive COVID test and orders to self isolate for 14 days. Truthfully, I was already on day 6. Yeah, it had been uncomfortable and I was very fatigued, but if that was the worst of it, it wasn't so bad. I was gonna get through this. I just hoped no one in my family got it since I had only been half way quarantining. Truthfully, Mike and David had thought I'd already over exaggerated all week before they realized my test was positive. I can be a bit of a hypochondriac, so they never really take my ailments seriously.

Well, Sunday was different, the body aches returned fiercely, and I felt like a truck ran over me. I stayed in bed all day. A friend brought over pizzas and even some orange juice at my request.

Monday, though, I felt good. I thought, Okay, this isn't gonna be so bad. I watched an entire season of my favorite show, stayed busy and distracted all day, and communicated with a few friends through texting. 

Tuesday I noticed a slight cough that I wanted to kick right away, so I took some cough medicine instead of fever reducers. The "non-drowsy" meds not only knocked me out so much that I couldn't stay awake, but I started spiking fevers. Wednesday my head ached horribly, along with my body, and my fever spiked so much I had to take a cold bath to bring it down. I felt horrible, and I was terrified. Thursday I could barely muster up the energy to do an e-visit with a doctor, to which I got a reply that they wanted to see me in person. So I made an appointment with the urgent care on call doc, who came out to my car to see me since I am a COVID patient. She immediately put me on antibiotics to treat a secondary infection starting, likely pneumonia, and had me get an oxygen meter with strict instructions to head to the ER if my numbers dipped too low. When I got home and took my meds and measured my oxygen, my stomach ended up in knots over too many meds and not enough food in me. My fever took hours to break, and I was terrified because my numbers were not too far off from needing an ER visit. I was in horrible pain and could do nothing but sit and stare at the wall. I prayed all night long until my fever broke and I fell asleep for the second half of the night. 

Friday I woke up, tried to drink a high protein shake to get something in my stomach before starting the meds all over again, and I dealt with fevers again for most of the day. Thankfully, my oxygen seemed to be improving. But I was still very weak and could only eat soup and macaroni and cheese. My mouth was still terribly dry that I couldn't chew anything without practically gagging on it. I kept myself as distracted as possible with movies on my ipad just to keep my mind off my symptoms.

Saturday, Day 13, I woke up feeling so discouraged. Everything just felt off, and I felt very weak. I was halfway through the antibiotic, and I expected to start feeling better. But I still coughed a lot and didn't have much energy to anything. A friend texted me to see how I was doing, not knowing I was even sick. When I told her, she exclaimed that had she known, she would have been doing anything to help, bringing over food, etc. She's a fellow second grade teacher, so I asked for help with my Math lessons for the upcoming week, as we're starting a very critical unit that I had no energy to make worthwhile videos for my kids. She said she'd e-mail them to me, which actually took a huge load off my shoulders. About two hours later, she also showed up at the door with three bowls of hot, ready to eat soup. I downed one bowl, and then downed a second one, too! I hadn't eaten that much or that good of food in an entire week, or had the appetite to do so. It truly warmed my spirits and really started setting off a chain reaction. A few hours later, I started noticing many of my symptoms lessening and I had energy to get up and clean up the disaster of a bedroom I've been living in. Plus I watched some really cute movies. My spirits lifted for the first time all week.

Sunday I woke up feeling so different. Good, actually. I hadn't had a fever all night. I barely had much of a cough left. My oxygen continued to improve. My mouth wasn't dry. I was HUNGRY and craved real food. I woke up requesting my third bowl of soup and then sent my son to McDonald's to get me a cheeseburger and fries. I was so excited to feel like I was finally getting better. Perhaps the worst was finally behind me. I went from taking round the clock fever reducer meds to stretching it out further between doses. What a difference that made in how well I slept, not having to constantly reminder what time I took what and if I had enough in my stomach at the time I took it. It also made a big difference in how I felt this morning, Monday, when I woke up to take my last dose of the antibiotic. 

So here I am, Monday afternoon, day 15, trying to get through the day without any fever meds for 24 hours so I can be released from this quarantine in my bedroom. I am longing for fresh air and the chance to open the door to let some better ventilation in. And to sit with my family in the living room! David put up the Christmas tree for me, and I haven't even been able to enjoy it yet. I was originally told I could go back to work by Wednesday as long as I'm fever free for 3 days, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen (nor am I anywhere near ready to face the chaos of school on my minimal strength.) This took a LOT out of me.

Here's to hoping the end is very near. If it's not as near as tomorrow, I'm just thankful to be regaining my energy and my strength. As of two days ago, the thought of sitting long enough to even write this post was more than I could manage. 

One day at a time. I have a lot of strength to rebuild. 

Mask up, people. This sickness is nothing to play around with. 

The highest compliment

A few months back, Priscilla Shirer spoke at one of our church's online services on Elijah. She talked specifically about how God led him to a brook, away from the chaos of life, to refresh him. And in that time of "quarantine", God sustained him in a very surprising way, with a raven--the most unlikely of birds. Her point in the message was that we should expect God to surprise us. And when we expect Him to, our spiritual senses are awake and are searching out those surprises. 
Ever since then, I have added one more request to my daily prayer journal. "God, surprise me today."
And almost every day, He does. 
Sometimes it's a compliment from another teacher. Other times it's a small gift from a friend. Finding something I needed to buy at a great price. Connecting with an old friend. Margin in my schedule that helped me make time for someone in need. A bag of clothes from a friend cleaning out her closet. A quick visit with my son. A gift card to Starbucks. A great conversation. Clarity of thought. An answer to a specific prayer.
Last week, I gave my kids a scavenger hunt type of assignment where they had to write, draw, or take a picture of things in a certain category. Like something that makes a beautiful noise, something that's useful, something that's their favorite color. One particular category was: Something that makes you feel safe. I noticed some kids were drawing their house or their family. Then one little boy came up to me with his computer and said, "Teacher, can I take a picture of you? You make me feel safe."
I smiled for his picture while my heart just melted. In that moment, I heard God say, "That's your surprise for today."
To be honest, I don't feel safe at school right now--not during this pandemic. The more the classes fill up, the harder it is to keep kids socially distant. Plus they keep making it in past the daily screener and somehow end up in my room with runny noses, headaches, sore throats, and coughs. If they're running a fever, they get sent home, If they're not, I'm stuck with them in my room, all day, with 14 other students, behind closed doors. They share their stories every day about going over to friends' houses, attending birthday parties without masks on, or having cousins over. And every story I read, I cringe just a little bit more. 
Then when the district adds more and more to our plate as if we aren't already stretched thin, the stress doesn't help my immune system. 
I've become the grouchy COVID police, constantly griping at my kids for getting too close to one another, constantly backing up when they get too close to me. Whether it's due to my own paranoia or not, I tell them my job is to keep them as safe as I can.
When that little boy asked to take my picture, I realized that my job is to keep kids as safe as I can, but my mission is to make kids feel as safe as I can. He truly paid me the highest compliment a student has ever given me. One that I will tuck inside my heart to pull out from time to time as discouragement rises. A reminder that God has me in school during a pandemic not just to do my job, but to fulfill a mission. 
To be a safe person, someone's safe place.

Displays of gratitude

I love and hate teaching in November. I hate it because I'm just plain worn out by the time November rolls around (and this year's worn out far exceeds any other year). But I love it because I love getting kids to focus on gratitude. Last year my kids wrote gratitude lists that I posted on our "gratitude wall", lists that filled my heart to see just how thankful seven-year-olds really are. This year, my kids took our gratitude displays to a whole new level.
Since we teach via a dual in-person/virtual format, all of my kids now have a technology device issued to them, meaning we no longer have to share ten ipads and three chrome books between 44 kids. In order to keep preparation as easy as is humanly possible to teach in both formats, we use their technology device for absolutely every assignment in some way. Even if they did it with paper and pencil, they still take a picture or make a video of it to turn it in to the digital classroom. The more comfortable they get with their device, the more confident they become and eager to take risks to share their learning in new ways. What once looked like a boring worksheet suddenly comes to life with color, voice, and animation. Where once my kids gave me the minimal amount of effort, they are suddenly taking their work home to enhance it, hoping that I will now publish it on our class blog (our digital hallway bulletin board). 
This year I gave them a different gratitude activity to do each day. Monday they wrote a letter of gratitude to someone. Tuesday they made gratitude jars and filled them with strips of paper with things they were grateful for written on them. Wednesday they made a Thankful Mat. Thursday they did a Gratitude scavenger hunt page, and Friday we shared. These digital worksheets came back with colorful words both typed and written, pictures, and even embedded videos that they made at home. They recorded themselves reading all the things they were thankful for with such pride and confidence in their voices. They truly warmed my heart as I listened to them. 
On the day we made the gratitude jars (that I unfortunately had to rush them through), I noticed a little girl going all around the room at the end of the day writing all of her classmates names on her little strips of paper. That night, she went home, pulled her puppy up close to her, and made a video of herself pulling out every strip of paper from her gratitude jar and stating, "I am thankful for....." while reading off every name in the class. It touched my heart deeply and made me realize just how much voice we've given these kids with technology. Yes, it can cause a lor of issues and make things take twice as long, but it gives them so much more choice as to how they want to present an assignment and it opens up the door to so much more creativity. 
I'm beyond frustrated with the workload put on teachers right now, systems that expect us to create a whole new way of learning but still evaluate us with the old rubric. If you could just take away the old rubric and celebrate all the incredible innovation, creativity, and determination happening, we might see that education is being transformed for the better. My kids showed me that this last week, and they continue to show me as I periodically check for more assignments coming in, and I keep finding more videos like the one I just mentioned or more positive, encouraging comments that they're making on each other's projects. It's a whole new sense of community as a class, including the ones that never step foot in the actual classroom. Today, I'm thankful for these precious students in my life and the privilege to teach them in this new way of learning. 

Grieving for each and every one

 

How sickening to know how many defend this as a choice. 

Resting. Recharing. Refilling. Reflecting.

Not gonna lie. I'm wiped out. 

Between a month of family birthdays, a time change (that gets me every time), and working under the absolutely unrealistic  demands of teaching in late 2020, I am exhausted. So here I am, my first official morning of Thanksgiving break, focusing on recovery. Taking it slow and easy for the day. Embracing the quiet solitude and silence as my boys sleep the morning away. Listening to  quiet little kitten paws running across the floor. Sipping on a second cup of coffee that I can actually drink while it's still hot and while I don't have a mask on. 

I heard on the radio not too long ago about what it really means to rest. Many times we think resting is sleeping, watching movies, lounging around doing mindless activities that require little to no physical or mental effort. But in reality, resting means giving your mind and body a chance to recharge and refuel. As tired and depleted as I am, I hope to spend this restful holiday finding things that will fill me. I am realizing more and more that I cannot give from an empty cup.

I hope to write some poetry about things that have captured my heart lately but I have not had time to write them down or process them. I hope to catch up on a few late blog entries to document life over the last month. I have plans to make a virtual craft and do virtual tea with my mom to keep up with our Black Friday tradition, and I think I'll be doing most of my Christmas shopping online. And I hope to catch up with a friend or two over a socially distanced coffee date. Add to that a family Thanksgiving at home for the first time ever, I believe, due to our caution to not catch or spread COVID among outside family members. I'm still thinking about how to creatively make it a meaningful, cherished holiday in a virtual, socially distanced way. Everything looks and feels different this year, but that doesn't mean it can't still be special. 

Here are some pics of our last few weekends filled with birthdays. Starting on Halloween to celebrate Mike, then the following weekend to celebrate Juan's 23rd birthday, and then a week later to celebrate David's 19th birthday. We've never been real big about parties and celebrations, as we've always kept our birthdays pretty low key with some kind of family outting and dinner for just the four of us. The few times we've attempted a bigger celebration, I don't know that any of us really felt comfortable. It's just not our personality. So I was really touched by David's initiative to ask off work in order to come home for all three weekends. Those intimate family outtings really mean something to him. I sure have enjoyed seeing him a bit more. I have a feeling next semester might not bring him home as much, so I will soak up the time with him now. 

That sun just keeps on rising

My sweet son decided to surprise me by coming home to visit for the weekend a week ago. I've missed him so much and cherish every moment we spent together. Only instead of going for a long bike ride, going out for coffee and playing cards, we attended a viewing together and sat through a funeral. We watched one of our closest friends be laid to rest and mourned with his family over his very untimely and unexpected death. 

Seeing his wife and son (who grew up side by side with David for many years) face this incredible loss with such strength tore both of us up, as these were friends that we considered family. Our boys were the same age (raised together in day care), we lived close by, we went on trips together, and we had an incredible bond. They introduced us to more of Texas than we ever would have explored on our own, they gave us opportunities that we never would have even thought of seeking on our own. They were our first friends here in Texas, and we wouldn't be where we are today if God had not put them in our life. Though the last few years led our daily lives in different directions, the memories we built together over the years left our friendship as one that could always be picked up right where we left off. Their home was the kind of home where no one felt like a stranger or even a guest. When you walked in their home, you always felt welcome. 

Watching my friend who'd always been the strength behind so many have to now draw her strength from those around her really shook me up. Watching her 18 year old son try so hard to be strong for his mom, while sitting beside my own 18 year old son with tears streaming down his cheeks was a scene I will never forget. 

That makes two funerals I've sat through with him in a short period of time, both for close friends who touched our lives in a deep way and made an eternal impact on us. I'm so thankful for the amazing companion my son can be, whether in happy times or sad times, and the deep conversations that we are able to have about life, love, and loss. I am sad that he has this new loss to now have to process at such a young age and that he has to hurt so deeply for his childhood buddy at a time when they are supposed to be finding their wings and taking on the world. But we both know that God always knew this was on the horizon. We can ask why, or we can ask what we're supposed to do with it and choose how we will respond. 

I felt pretty numb the day after the funeral, so I sat outside early in the morning right before sunrise with a pen and an open journal. When I don't know how to think or feel or can't find words to match what's on my heart, God always seems to speak to me through a pen. May it speak to you today through whatever darkness you may be walking through.

I woke up feeling numb today

Such heavy issues on my mind.

The unthinkable keeps on happening

Leaving so much heartache behind.

I came outside to sit with God

to process my thoughts in prayer,

Yet I found myself staring at clouds

My gaze fixed on the current nightmare.

As the sun slowly began to rise

Rays of light fought to break through.

The clouds struggled to keep them hidden

as the tension between them grew.

Those clouds threatened to keep the morning

trapped beneath a dark sky,

but the light conquered the darkness

as the sun continued to rise up high. 

No matter how dark the clouds were,

they stood no chance against the sun.

Nothing could keep her from rising

and against the darkness she won.

With such gray clouds hovering above,

we may wonder if God sees our plight.

All we see are the clouds

blocking out any ray of light.

But the sun will keep on rising

and the light will eventually win.

Because light always conquers darkness,

and we will claim hope again.

John 1:5--The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.