Rachelle D. Alspaugh's Blog, page 20

A Full Plate

Well, 2021, you have definitely filled my plate this year, and we're barely a quarter into the year so far. The abundance of items on my plate seem to overwhelm me more than serve as perhaps the nourishment and refreshment I had hoped for. And the more I try to simplify and prioritize and limit the options in front of me, some giant spoonful comes out of nowhere and adds more. 

First off, there's school. Teaching during a pandemic makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. I mean, honestly, it's like watching a train derail over and over again. No matter how many times you pick up the debris, set the train back on the tracks and try again, the tracks just aren't set properly to keep the train moving forward. Period. And the destination is pretty fuzzy by now because you know you just don't have all the necessary variables to get your train to where it was supposed to go. And then every time I have some bright idea that just might work, I remind myself that it would require more time and attention than I physically can give. So I step back, knowing that my body and mind can only handle so much. Not to mention that I have family and friends that need my time and attention, too. 

While we're on the subject of what I'm physically capable of, that brings me to another several mounds that got unexpectedly heaped upon my plate in the last three months. I came out of the year 2020 still recovering from a hard three weeks of COVID that left me pretty weak and dealing with some pretty serious sleeping issues. I started 2021 with a regular annual doctor appointment to find blood pressure and heart rate issues that I'd never experienced before. When I mentioned my sleep issues, my doctor referred me for a sleep test to see if perhaps sleep apnea could be an underlying cause, while I also started on medication for blood pressure for the first time in my life. 

Extra doctor appointments on an already full plate did not help matters, raising my anxiety level, definitely not helping the blood pressure and heart rate. 

When I visited the sleep doctor, I heard words like tachardia, EKG, cardiology and got a little freaked out, until she said that untreated sleep apnea could eventually lead to those things. Soon after, I heard the diagnosis of severe sleep apnea and suddenly had to come up with quite a bit of money to pay for a new sleep machine and mask to start sleeping with. But if it meant I could actually sleep and might avoid all those words from the first visit, then I was good with it. 

At first all seemed to go well, until the insomnia returned and we realized my blood pressure and heart rate issues had not gotten any better. In fact, my heart seemed to race even more than before. So my body became a science experiment while we tried different doses of different medications, trying to help me sleep, stay calm, and have a somewhat normal blood pressure. My doctor referred me to a cardiologist, but gave me hope that perhaps the medication would do the trick and I would not need to see the cardiologist after all. 

That hope didn't last long, after a few scary mornings with a racing heart, a 911 call at school, an EKG done right in the nurses' office at school, a day spent in urgent care, and a few days working from home not knowing if I suffered from a heart condition, if I was having a bad reaction to the meds, or if I was having anxiety attacks--or all of the above. Oh, and my hair also started falling out in clumps, just adding a little more anxiety to the mix. I got in to see the cardiologist pretty quickly, who got me on the right dosage of meds that finally started working, and who told me what I suspected all along. COVID. She said she sees at least one to two new patients every day who are experiencing the same thing after having had COVID. So apparently my COVID saga continues. 

So last week I had yet another doctor appointment, took yet another sick day from work, and had more tests done on my heart, and at the moment I'm currently charging a heart monitor that I have to wear for for an entire month. As if I didn't have enough wires, tubes, masks, and machines next to my bed to keep up with to help me sleep, now I have a heart monitor and device to keep charged and connected to me at all times. It's all a bit overwhelming, to say the least. 

And did I mention I have family and friends, too? A marriage that has needed extra care and attention the last couple years. A son that's taking a little more time than expected to grow and mature into an independent young adult. Another son off in college, trying to find the right balance of dependence and independence. Parents who also went through their own recent trauma/saga of COVID. Two friends fighting against cancer that decided to return. Two friends who very unexpectedly lost their husbands. Medical bills. Financial concerns. Job frustrations. Vehicle issues. Ice storm damage. One heaping serving after another, making my head spin, my heart hurt, and my mind race, taking me right back to that original sleep issue. 

I'm so glad God gave me the word RECEIVE this year because it really does give me the right filter as I see my plate get fuller and fuller by the day. If God put it on my plate, it must have a purpose. It may not look appetizing or feel nourishing, but it's part of His "diet" for me, giving me some sort of energy, strength, perseverance, training, empathy, understanding, improved health, faith, etc. that I am going to need for the journey ahead. It's not an easy perspective to take or one that I automatically go to, but I'm working on it. Or should I say, God keeps putting that word in front of me, reminding me to open up my hands to receive what He's trying to give me. To eat everything on my plate if I don't want to miss out on dessert afterwards. 

Well, the heart monitor is fully charged, so I guess that's my cue to go. Lesson plans and creative grading await me so I'm ready to tackle another week at school, chasing that miracle that will keep my train moving forward. 

Spring Break 2021

Last year's spring break brought a change no one expected, being extended for a week, then another, and then leading right into forced virtual learning for the rest of the year. All the state testing canceled, and we saw that public education could definitely use some reform. 

It sent everyone's minds reeling on the need and the opportunity to redefine public education. Especially now that we knew our kids would not return to school the following year with the same skills they normally came with. 

My district decided to take the plunge and change a few things up with our calendar, and though it's led to a lot of confusion, I think everyone can benefit from the change. We moved toward the concept of year round schooling, with our model of it, though. Basically, they take about three weeks out of our summer and build those breaks into the year instead, shortening the regular summer, but giving us some much needed time to breathe during the year. Rather than summer school, kids that need the extra help or the chance to take a class can do so during those intercession weeks, rather than waiting until the end of the year. Teachers can make some extra money if they choose to teach during those weeks or they can take advantage of the time off when most people aren't off. So this year we already had an extra week of fall break in October, and now we just finished a two week spring break. In a year where teachers are stretched dangerously thin and are at the point of burnout, I definitely needed the extra week off to power up for the rest of the year. (There is so much more that needs to change in education, but this was a step in the right direction in my opinion.)

So with that being said, I went into my first ever planned two week spring break without a single plan, other than to rest and recover from the most hectic and challenging school year of my life. David came home for the first week of it for his own spring break, and then the second I found time to relax and refill and think about school as little as possible.

Here are a few pics of the adventures and gifts God brought my way:

Shamrock Shakes. Little Boots approved. :) Time to sit outside and journal with my favorite drink. Changing up my normal coloring with watercolor pencils. Love them! 

Family bowling outting. 

A partial fireplace heater insert that Mike brought home for my back porch.... ...that he fabricated into this very unique piece of outdoor furniture. A coffee table/fireplace heater/cat cage! I absolutely love it and am amazed at his creativity and resourcefulness. I will be spending many spring mornings and evenings here just chilling. 

A breakfast outting with a friend I haven't seen in person for a whole year! (Forgot to get a selfie with her, though!)
A nine mile bike ride around a lake with my son, my favorite biking buddy. First time on my bike since before I got COVID in November. 


Hanging out with one of my favorite buddies, mostly just playing card games at the table. 
Making a cute, fun spring craft with my Mom. After COVID hit her home at the end of January and then she got so sick, I hadn't been able to see or visit her for about six weeks. So I made sure to not take this time together for granted. 
Finding someone else's "trash" as my new treasure to take back to school. :)
Two long morning coffee dates/talks with another dear friend I hadn't seen in person in a year. 
A long walk with Mike at our first stomping ground where we lived our first four years in Texas,
while sipping on drinks from the newest coffee shop that just opened. 
And then one more meet-up with my Mom for a BOGO deal.

Notice a theme or two? A little coffee/chai and some one-on-one time with people close to my heart. including my kitty. I also took my dad to my writer's group with me one evening, and then had dinner with my parents another evening, but I didn't get any pictures of him. He's working on trying to start his own blog now, so stay tuned. I'll share when he gets it up and running. 
I've got one more day before heading back to school, and so far, I plan on spending it quietly at home, resting as much as possible, soaking up the solitude so I can finish the last quarter of the year strong and recharged. I'm so grateful for this two week break to give my mind the reboot it needed. 

Psalm 23

 Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd. My leader, my protector, my guidance, my source of help, my source of nourishment, the One who takes care of all my needs each day.I lack nothing.He takes care of my every need. He is constantly watching out for me, looking ahead, making sure I am not in need of anything at any time. When I keep my eyes on my Shepherd, I don't have to worry about anything because that is His job.He makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside the still waters.He knows where the grass is greenest so I can lie down to rest. He knows where the waters are still so I can be refreshed and quench my thirst. When I've reached the green pastures, he makes me settle for awhile to lie down and get the rest I so desperately need. He leads me to the still waters, meaning they may not be where I expect them to be. I can't search for my own still waters--that vacation I planned might not provide the refreshment I'm wanting or needing. He will guide me to the still water that truly refreshes. I just have to follow. He restores my soul.He brings it back to its original condition and value, the way He designed it. He wipes away all the impurities that covered up my dignity, value and worth, making me shine with brilliance again, just as He designed me to. He leads me down paths of righteousness for His name's sake. My life points back to Him. The path He leads me on will draw more people to Him. When my life is all about me and my pleasure and comfort, it holds little to no meaning to those around me. When my life is all about pointing others to Him, my life holds incredible purpose.Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,Valleys are only pathways to get from one location to another. We walk through them, but we don't settle there. Sometimes the valley is the only way to get to the main destination, so I have to trust that My Shepherd knows the best way there.  Many times a stream will run through a valley (providing a quiet place to refresh myself). Shadows only appear when there is light in the darkness. The shadow of death means that light exists. I will fear no evilFear is just the assumption that something bad or unpleasant is approaching.For You are with me.My Shepherd just became personal as I address Him rather than talk about Him. He is always with me, before me, beside me, in front of me, behind me, all around me. He leads the way, while watching out behind me at the same time.Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.He holds a rod to fight off and destroy my enemy. He uses His rod to correct me and keep me on the right path. He holds the staff, giving Him authority and power. He's the One in control, and the enemy must bow down to Him. His rod and staff comfort me, giving me the strength, support, and security I need to endure through the valley. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemiesWhile still in the valley, He prepares a table for me. He invites me to dine with Him, to feast with Him, to spend time with Him, all the while my enemy watches. What he meant to destroy me, God still uses to bless me, to honor me, to give me dignity, to draw me nearer still. He nourishes me and refreshes me as His guest of honor at the table with the King.He anoints my head with oil.He heals me. He purifies my head/mind to keep away the pests and distractions that so easily get entangled about me, overwhelming me and preventing me from seeing straight. He sets me apart for a divine purpose.My cup overflows.His blessings are endless. He pours so much into my cup that I don't have room to contain it, so it overflows into the lives of those around me. My life overflows with abundant praise to Him and love for others as a reaction to his abundant love for me.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Surely, most definitely. Things of value and eternal purpose, deep loving-kindness will pursue me, chase me every day of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Forever starts now. I long for heaven, but the Lord is here now. Every time I worship Him, praise Him, gather together with other believers in His name, and spend time in His presence, I am dwelling in the house of the Lord. The whole earth is a sanctuary. Wherever I am, I can find Him. 
He indeed leadeth me. And so I follow. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. As long as I keep my eyes on my Shepherd, I know my needs are taken care of and my life holds value.
I needed this reminder today as I woke up feeling stressed and defeated once again trying to teach as effectively as I can during this pandemic year. Perhaps you needed it, too.
Thank you, Jennifer Rothschild, for helping me see just how intimate this psalm really is. No better person could have written it besides David, someone who could truly understand the perspective of a shepherd, a sheep, and a king. 

You don't know what you got

 . . . until it's gone.

And then we realize just how much we took for granted. 

A year ago we never dreamed of living a life without huge sporting events, big social gatherings, hugs, physical proximity to others, family events with more than immediate family, face to face conversations without fear of contracting or spreading a virus, shared meals, potluck dinners, parties, buffets, etc. 

Not more than a week ago we never knew how much we took heat, electricity, and water for granted until we were forced to experience one of Texas' coldest winter weeks ever without all of the above. 

Five years ago, two very dear friends (who don't even know each other) joyfully entered an anticipated life event side by side with their spouses only to face unimagineable grief as they found themselves in those celebratory events suddenly alone. 

A friend just celebrated her sweet mother's birthday, saying we'll celebrate right once things settle down. Things like COVID that keeps families spread apart, temporarily living life on pause, pushing back all plans to be together in order to keep everyone safe. But three weeks later, that sweet mother joined the celebration of angels in heaven rather than celebrating with her children and grandchildren "once things settle down."

I didn't know how much I took a simple breath for granted until I had to gasp for one just to climb into my own bed while sick with a secondary infection from COVID. 

A year ago, I didn't know teaching all my students in one classroom was something I should even take for granted, until I find myself now mentally and physically stretched trying to teach kids on two sides of a screen, some in front of me behind masks and transparent plastic walls with others sitting somewhere at home, distracted by all sorts of noise and interferences beyond my control. 

We just don't know what we got until it's gone.

Today we breathe in the fresh, warm Texas air with a little more gratitude. We conserve the lights and the water a little less reluctantly now that we know what it's like to run out. 

I climb in to bed and take a deep breath with a thankful heart because I know what it's like to struggle for that breath.

I cherish time spent with others these days, six feet apart or not, because you don't know how quickly it can all be swept away, leaving only memories in its place.

Things like COVID, sudden illnesses, car accidents, and a Texas snowpocalypse take a lot from us, but they actually do us a lot of good. They may shake us, but they wake us up to the reality in front of us, reminding us to realize what we have . . . before it's gone. 

Looking around with my eyes and heart a little more open these days.

You are what you eat, you see what you're looking for

 As I said in an earlier post, I've been studying and meditating over the 23rd psalm recently, and it's had a very deep impact on me.

Just as the saying goes, "You are what you eat." That applies not only to what you put in your mouth, as I learned in the Daniel Plan (and am currently convicted about not following), but it also applies to what you feed your soul. 

God prepares a feast for us every single day, if we'll just come to the table and partake of it. It doesn't matter where we are, what life stage we're in, how we feel, or what circumstances surround us. He prepares the table daily. He's always there, always present. On the mountain or in the valley, His love, mercy, compassion, and goodness are there--we just have to look for them. You'll always find what you're looking for.

I love studying words, especially biblical words. My favorite Bible studies are the ones that dig deep into the meaning and context of the actual Greek and Hebrew words used when the Scripture was written. I also love teaching the Love God Greatly studies that just study one verse at a time because I have the opportunity to teach other women how to do the actual word research themselves. 

I love writing words, especially in a poetic way.

So it doesn't surprise me how much this particular portion of Scripture captivates me. Jennifer Rothschild, one of my favorite Bible study teachers and authors, did an excellent job taking me through each and every word in the 23rd psalm, getting me to pause long enough to really reflect on what each verse meant, giving me time to chew on each line, savoring the message behind the words. The entire psalm together truly brings me a feast at the table with the King. 

I used to think that life was a series of ups and downs, of mountains and valleys, of seasons of blessing and seasons of loss. But between a recent sermon I heard from Josh Howerton pointing out that life is like a pair of parallel railroad tracks, with the good times and the bad times simultaneously existing, and this particular psalm pointing out that God prepares the table even in the middle of the valley, I've gained a whole new perspective on life. Yes, suffering may last only for the night, and  joy comes in the morning, but God's goodness can still be found in the night. His treasures are still there for us in the darkness. They're always there. We just have to look for them.

Last year when we ended the school year in such a scramble, going completely online, never getting any kind of closure with that particular class, I was determined to see God in it. I looked for Him, and I found Him everywhere. Sure, the year held so much loss and discomfort, but it also held abundant blessing and opportunity.

This school year, on the contrary, has been an uphill battle, leaving me stuck in the valley more often than not. I started the year optimistic and determined, but the daily struggle has wearied me and taken a toll on me physically. Some days it's hard not to see all the negative all around me and wonder how much I can physically and mentally keep on pushing and fighting through the constant stress. It reminds me a lot of our family's trek through the adoption process twice. I kept my focus on the mountaintop, making it the ultimate goal, until I got to the top of the mountain and looked back. The treasures I held dear that  proved to be the most valuable in my future came more from the experience in the valley than from standing at the top of the mountain, having achieved my goal. The good was always there, running parallel with the struggles in the battle. 

This valley of a year isn't leading to a mountaintop teaching experience any time soon. The political war raging about me isn't going anywhere, even with the election over. The threat of COVID will be around for a long time, no matter how quickly they can make the vaccination more easily available. As if the year didn't hold enough challenge, then God decided to literally freeze Texas in our tracks for a few days, leaving devastating effects all around me. Struggles and battles are always going to exist, but so is the goodness of God. If I keep holding my breath till the battle's over, I will have missed out on the treasure (the nourishment) I needed to carry me through the next battle, which, by the way, has probably already started. 

We go from grace to grace, from one hard time to the next, abounding in God's strength and favor. 

I've got two more days of my study of Psalm 23 before I can share the feast that God shared with me over the last two months. For now, I'm going to take my eyes off the mess of my house, the busted pipes, the mounds of laundry needing to be done, the empty grocery shelves, the scattered work schedules, the trauma my students have likely suffered over the last week, the heartache several friends are experiencing, the cancer that my friends are facing, the never-ending hateful political comments on Facebook, the morality crisis in our nation, the sick parent struggling to get well, the constant threat of COVID, the painful ingrown toenail (just being real), the struggle to parent an adult child whose emotional age does not match his physical age, the financial concerns over several unexpected bills, the lingering long-haul effects from having had the coronavirus, the unrealistic and unethical expectations of teachers and students during a pandemic, the 20 parent conferences I need to schedule and hold virtually over the next week, the five English writing samples I need to squeeze out of my non-English speaking students over the next two weeks, the lack of connection with friends and family over the last year, the cold temps, the missed vacations and celebrations, the longing for spring, etc., etc. (you get the point). Instead I'm going to open my eyes and look for God's goodness all around me, yes, even in this valley of a year. 

Today, I'm thankful for this time (on a Friday) to sit by the fire and just think, write, and process (notice I said write before process--because writing is how I process). No wonder I get so flustered when I don't find time to write. 

Thanks for reading. I hope you feel God's warm embrace around you today. Think I'm going to go make a hot cup of chai to accompany me beside the warm fire on this 6th unexpected day off (while my hard working husband and son work on fixing our pipes). 

Teaching during the pandemic of 2020/21

Students, Students Everywhere
Students are hereStudents are thereIn class or in bed at homeThey join from anywhere.
One day at schoolThe next day online"Connecting from El Salvador? Sure, I guess that's fine!"
Some days they work hardOther days they only playSome have structured learningSome don't connect all day.
Routine and consistencyNo longer can existI suggest a daily scheduleand give a daily check-off list.
We try to have discussionsWith both groups at one time.We try to use our whiteboardsto add twelve nickels and a dime.
But with muffled conversationsBehind masks and plastic wallsAnd one who turns their camera offWhile another shows off her dolls.
To actually hold all their attentionAnd really drive the concept inI admit defeat so oftenAnd have to teach it all again.
Where rigor once held meaningAnd practice happened every dayWe now barely scratch the surfaceAs we learn in this new way.
Everything takes longerBoth for the students and for meA simple daily warm-upTakes the normal prep times three.
First to prerecord itThen to assign it virtuallyThen to teach in personAnd translate as need be.
I harp on kids to finishAnd beg for work from kids not thereTeaching in this modelHas become a huge nightmare.
I feel so ineffectiveWhen I see the gaps and holes,Knowing so many different factorsLie outside of my control.
I lay awake at nightWondering what else I can tryThis concept seems so ridiculousShould I laugh or should I cry?
I know that when I'm stretchedThere's a purpose up ahead.One day I will look backAnd see just where it led.
Meanwhile I press onAnd do the best that I can do.Praying for daily strength and wisdomFrom the One who carries me through.
Students here, students thereAll leaning on just one me.Taking time today to care for my own needsSo I can be the best I can be.




 

Winter storm 2021

It's funny because 2021 has felt like a winter storm ever since it started, at least from a teacher's perspective. Now I sit here in my quiet, dark house (to conserve energy) with only candlelight by my computer, listening to the fire crackle in the fireplace, watching the rare Texas snow gently fall outside, and I feel calmed by the actual winter weather. 

It means I can stay home, I can extend my morning quiet time in the Word, I can talk some things out with God, I can rest by my purring little cat all curled up next to me, I can write this blog, I can catch up on school work, I can plan lessons . . . I can stop hurrying, I can think things through, and I can rest.

Truthfully, I will forever look back at the year 2020 as a gift to my soul. It reminded me of my need for quiet and solitude to really feel alive and regenerated, to feel like I am able to be my best self and give the best of me to others. Not everyone is wired like me, so the loss of physical connection with others and the forced isolation did a number on their social personalities. Not me. It refreshed my soul like no other year of my life. 

That's not to say people don't matter to me. I just connect with people in a quiet, deep way, and I thrive on spending time one-on-one with people or in a situation where we have opportunities to communicate often through writing. I am much better with my words when I have a chance to write them, and I tend to get choked up when there are too many people or my voice gets swallowed by noise and other voices louder than my own. I listen and observe most of the time, and then I find a quiet place to reflect and process all the information I've just taken in. I give my students 30 minutes of quiet, peaceful music every day to do the same, and they say it's their favorite part of the day. I may not be that fun, energetic, playful teacher that others are, but my kids and my colleagues know where to come when they need a moment of peace. 

This year has proven to be the polar opposite of 2020 for me, as teaching in this new reality has made me feel like a scattered mess. I struggle to concentrate, my mind constantly runs, and I have little to no time to be alone, to embrace a silent hour to thoroughly plan a lesson or figure out how to reteach a concept that my students didn't grasp well. Sadly, those re-teaching lessons seem to be necessary more often than not these days because trying to teach two separate ways (in person and virtually, sometimes both simultaneously) is nearly impossible and is just not effective. Nor can I be effective when I'm expected to do both in the same amount of time as I was once expected to just teach a full in-person class, and with students that change back and forth from in person to virtual on a weekly basis. We need consistency, routine, and daily practice to really internalize what we're learning. With this model of "choosing" what days I go to school and what days I learn online (when most of my materials are left at school), I, as their teacher, am left to meet expectations of what and how my kids are learning that are just beyond my control at this point.  I see the gaps get bigger, and no matter how much I problem solve, plan, collaborate, try new ideas, I still feel an incredible sense of defeat. I am a teacher, and I want to be effective in what I do. When something doesn't work, I go back to the drawing board and find a way that it will work. I've had difficult years where particular situations called for particular ways of teaching, and I've had successful years where all the dynamics just worked well together. But in all eighteen years of my teaching career, I don't know that any other year has left me feeling so defeated. 

Part of the problem is the model of teaching two separate groups, part of it is the time factor of having to teach everything twice (once recorded on video, and then again in person). Part of it is trying so hard to keep both groups fully engaged, part is the constant, never-ending interruptions with technology issues, part is the liberty that both students and parents have taken with the new "option" to stay home, changing the students' sense of structure and routine significantly from one day to the next (which has to be allowed because of the need to quarantine for either having symptoms of COVID yourself or being exposed to someone who does). But I think the biggest problem is that the expectations held over both students and teachers haven't changed. The rubrics that administrators are looking for are still the same. Student growth and achievement is still measured by the same scoring rubrics. The same tests that take away so much actual teaching time are still required and now take double or triple the effort to make those tests doable for our virtual learners, as well, despite the fact that we need MORE teaching time to even think about meeting the expectations over us. And besides that, our students are starving for attention, connection, and relationship right now, so I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would think the lost time and pressure of yet another test is going to benefit anyone. Especially when we know the results will be skewed because not everyone is testing with the same variables in place. Something has to give. We've got to let something go before we convince students that interrupting their already interrupted learning time in order to obtain a test score is the ultimate goal in education  or before we convince teachers that their own lives and mental health don't matter. 

IT. IS. INSANE.

Not a single rubric has been rewritten to give a teacher credit for how she handled the latest interruption, for how she addresses the current mental health pandemic in her classroom, for her innovations and changes to help students learn more self-sufficiency to prepare them for a possible need to quarantine, for her endless pursuit of learning new technology, for the hours upon hours she spends to make sure her students know how to access the digital resources to help them on the days they are not at school in person, or for the ways she lets her students know she loves them and cares about them without being able to hug them or work closely with them like before. Not a single rubric can measure all that these kids have learned in the midst of this pandemic. All we are measuring is what they have supposedly lost academically rather than all they have gained experientially. Our kids, and our teachers, are blossoming with creativity that's not measured anywhere. We've learned to survive and find a new way to teach and learn, but with that should come a new way to measure and define true learning and teaching. 

Teachers are stretched so thin right now, and perhaps the greatest issue I see is that all this chaos leaves no time for our own mental or physical health or to take care of our families' mental and physical health. I have friends and family experiencing huge losses, some related to COVID, some not, that I have no time to reach out to. I have two adult children who need guidance, and I'm not always mentally available to them. I have a husband and marriage that need my time and devotion. I have two elderly parents who have been hit by COVID, and I barely have time to check up on them or take them the things that they might be needing. I have family members I haven't connected with in months, definitely not due to not having them on my mind. I lose sleep, my heart races, my blood pressure rises, my mind races and mixes my thoughts and ideas all together, and then I get up and face another day. Some days I feel like I reached the majority of my kids, other days not so much. Like one of my little girls in class always says, "We just try our best, right, Teacher?"

So, I've been spending about 30 minutes of quiet time each morning of 2021 so far studying Psalm 23, one verse at a time, pondering over each and every word. My son, Juan David, gifted me a gift card for my favorite bookstore for Christmas, and God led me to use it to purchase this study on Psalm 23 by Jennifer Rothschild. I took interest in it a while back and then forgot about it, but I think God knew I needed it for this particular time. He has a way of leading me to just the right study when I need to hear something specific from Him.  

I think one of my favorite verses in this psalm is the second part of verse 2. He (my Shepherd) leads me beside still waters. Still waters are so calming to me, but I realized the verse means more than just the calming aspect of the waters. Sheep won't drink unless the waters are still. Still waters serve two purposes--to give us rest and to refresh us. I literally cannot get the refreshment I need until the waters are still. God knows my job has turned into a human hamster wheel this year, and He knew that I, along with all my fellow teachers, needed to find those still waters again. 

And He sent snow. 

And a snow day tomorrow.

I'll take it. I'll receive it as a gift, a day or two to stay home, to embrace the quiet, and to rest and refresh from the still waters of this actual winter storm.

And then I'll get back up and press on through the valley of this "winter storm". And remember I'm in my school for a purpose, teaching from my heart, whether it's measured by a rubric or not. 

On Friday we did a Valentine scavenger hunt during our Valentine party, and they had to think of someone they loved. They all ran to me and said, "We love Mrs. Alspaugh." They are my why, and God gave each and every one of them to me precisely at this time. 

A Change in Posture

I attend a big church, and I have grown to love and appreciate the wealth of opportunities in a big church.  So many different ways to connect with others in so many different areas of life. Such a variety of resources to lean into when you need them or to tap into to help someone in a crisis. Yes, at times it can seem flashy and almost impersonal, but that impersonality can fade quickly once you find that right group to connect and grow with. And if you happen to find several groups to connect with depending on your stage of life, that bigness tends to fade as well when you see people overlapping from group to group.

I've been part of a big church for the last 18 years, but before that, I attended a handful of smaller churches that provide a completely different type of intimacy, community, and connection. The church body within that building has more interconnectedness as a whole between all of its members, people have a closer relationship with the pastor himself, and classes/groups are based more on age commonality than on a specific stage of life or interest. 

Both have been very meaningful to me. Both have made my life so much richer and helped me grow in Biblical literacy and my personal relationship with Christ. Both have provided me with close friends and godly counsel throughout my life. 

The small churches I attended were on the quiet, reserved, more conservative side. You might sway a little while you sing, but there's not much lifting of hands or physical demonstration during worship. Worship happened in your heart and did not call attention to yourself. I guess you could say it feels a little "stiff". 

Big churches are a bit different in that your own personal style of worship doesn't call as much more attention to you in a bigger crowd, so you can feel more free to express your praise in a physical way. I'll admit, growing up in the smaller church makes it hard to let the "stiffness" go. In fact, you don't even realize how stiff it feels until you feel free enough to release your inner praise and let it express itself outwardly. And when you do, it's like it opens up a whole new facet of praise and connection that you've never experienced between you and God.

The other night in church, I felt the Spirit nudge me to change my posture of praise. To pull those stiff hands out of my pockets and lift them up, keeping my hands wide open to both RELEASE what I'm holding onto and to RECEIVE whatever He has for me in that moment. To physically demonstrate that I believe what I say, that I believe He inhabits the praises of His people, that He's present in the room with us. As I did, the words seemed to jump off the screen at me, coming alive, lighting up my heart in a new way. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I sang from my heart and held my hands open, palms up, simultaneously releasing and receiving. I made a commitment to continue to lift up those open hands as a reminder of what I am doing as I sing a joyful noise unto the Lord. 

I have long been in need of a change of posture. So far, the end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021 haven't been easy. This last month has already seen my stress level rise much higher than is physically healthy and brought challenges every day, both at home and at work. But I'm determined to release those challenges and stressful situations to God on  a daily basis and receive sustenance, comfort, strength, and guidance from Him. Lifting my open hands to sing to him, whether alone on my couch, in a crowd at church, or going for a walk while listening to praise music--it's a physical reminder that I believe in God's sovereignty. faithfulness, and presence. . 

Word for 2021

As I reread my post about the one word God gave me to guide me through 2020, I almost laughed. I had prayed for a specific word, and I felt a stirring in my heart to just let go. To release all the pent up disappointment from 2019, to let go of hurt and bitterness, and to get ready to release and launch my son into the world after his upcoming high school graduation. Little did I know God was only preparing me to willingly release all expectations of what life was "supposed to" look like. 

Less than three months into the new year, I sent my students home for spring break after a fun Friday together, not knowing it would be our last Friday together in a physical classroom. After an extended spring break, we finished out the year having class virtually out on my front porch via computer cameras and in their living rooms, kitchens, and bedrooms. Our morning meetings became daily videos that I made for them to tell them how proud I was of them for their dedication to learn and how much I loved them. Rather than making copies and attending way too many meetings, I spent my time learning how to run a Google Meet, how to make digital assignments, and how to navigate through Google. Who in their wildest dreams could have imagined what the last part of the school year would look like?
Rather than riding a bike on virtual trails at the local gym I just joined, I rode on 10-20 mile bike rides all over town with David in the middle of the day, taking breaks often to check my phone for assignments or student communication coming in. 
Rather than attending church as a family in our close to the front row seats every Saturday night, we watched church online from our couch and then attended our Life Group via Zoom meetings on the computer. 
Rather than hanging out with my mom doing crafts and going to thrift stores, we had to find out door locations to sit socially distanced with masks on in order to at least still "see" each other in person.
Rather than having a graduation ceremony with several family members in the auditorium at David's high school on the last day of school, we traveled to Arlington a month later without any extra family present to watch him graduate outdoors in a large baseball stadium so everyone could properly socially distance. 
Rather than teaching a Bible study at church on Thursday mornings through the summer in an intimate setting, I met with the ladies on my computer from my bedroom.
Rather than going on mission trips to Africa and the Rio Valley in Texas, David worked outside in the drive through at Chick Fil-A, whose indoor seating/lobby had to close and still has not reopened. 
Rather than starting a normal year at college, David's classes at DBU took on a hybrid approach, with only half the class attending at one time with the other half attending online. Kids are sent home to quarantine all the time as soon as they find out they've been exposed to someone with COVID or they themselves have symptoms of COVID, keeping life and plans constantly up in the air.
Rather than taking a vacation this summer, we rode our bikes and explored all the treasures right around us. As much as I love to travel and see the world, I found pleasure right where I am. 
Rather than running ragged, I spent a lot of time just reading and writing this last year. And becoming more familiar with technology.
We lost our ability to plan ahead, as the threat of COVID remains every time we leave our home or interact with someone who doesn't live with us. We lost our sense of normalcy. We personally lost a close friend unexpectedly (not COVID related), while many others have lost close friends and family members to the virus or had their lives completely changed by it due to hospitalization and lingering physical effects. We lost our weekly church routine and connection first to the pandemic, then to a decision to stop our Saturday night service at our local campus. We lost all of our expectations about school and work, including the ability to hug our students goodbye and send them on to the next grade, several of whom stayed virtual this year, so we haven't been able to see them since. We lost the expectation of having our class all together in one physical location as we started a new year and the ability to keep our kids progressing academically at the rate we are used to. 
When I asked God for a word and He gave me the word RELEASE, He wasn't kidding around. Every time I faced another loss, I just whispered the word RELEASE and remembered that God knew it was coming. 
So about a week or so ago, I began to wonder what word He'd give me for 2021. I definitely didn't want to choose a word on my own, so I asked God to give me my new word. I even wrote the request for my 2021 word on my daily prayer list. I found a few words that I thought might be it, even taking a quiz on Facebook to give me my word for the year. But I knew God would make my word clear to me at just the right time.
We didn't have physical church on Saturday night, but our pastor and his wife did a live video to share a short message together. They talked about how the year 2020 could possibly have been a year of preparation, getting us ready to see Him do something completely new. 
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 “Forget the former things;    do not dwell on the past.19 See, I am doing a new thing!    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the wilderness    and streams in the wasteland.
Don't dwell on what life used to look like or what you thought it was supposed to look like. Something new is happening. Something new is coming.
When Pastor Josh then said, "We've got to RELEASE in order to RECEIVE," I heard God give me my new word.
I couldn't RECEIVE whatever God has for me without RELEASING all of my expectations of the past. Whatever new thing is coming could not have been possible if life had continued the same and I hadn't let go of what life used to look like. 
My mom recently gave me some of my old blog posts that she'd printed out over ten years ago when our first adoption attempt crumbled. My words are rather haunting....and humbling.
"I know there is a greater purpose, and that God will do more than we could ever ask or imagine for our family, and for Juan David, Laura, and Julian....this was a necessary part of His plan--for us and for them.....One day we will see what all of this has been for.....Only God knows what's around the bend."
So, as I opened my tightly held fist a year ago to RELEASE what I never could have imagined I would need to release, this year I walk into the new year with my hands open wide, ready to RECEIVE something completely new. 

Hindsight 2020

I both dreaded and looked forward to 2020 since the day my son was born back in November of 2001. Those eighteen years of raising a child seem like an eternity ahead of you when you bring that tiny baby home for the first time. And I cherished all eighteen of them, tucking away so many tender moments in my heart. 
My 18 year old son had the opportunity to ring in the new year of 2020, his year to graduate high school, in a stadium full of thousands upon thousands of 18-24 year-olds praising the name of Jesus. The main theme stating, "Let the roaring 20's begin". Mike, Juan, and I (and my parents) had the chance to watch as much of the Passion Conference as we had time to do online, and my heart swelled to know the truth and passion for Christ being poured into my son not long before I'd launch him out into the world, well, at least into the college world.
I thank God for the incredibly spiritual way our family brought in this new year that held surprises and lifestyle changes no one in their wildest dreams could have imagined were even on the horizon. 
Looking back, as challenging as the year proved to be, God still filled it with blessings that I want to tuck away and cherish. Here are just twenty of those blessings that I can see so clearly in hindsight:
1. The Passion 2020 Conference that we all experienced together as a family to bring in the New Year.






2. We joined a gym that reminded me of the mental benefits of exercise.(Little did we know how short-lived the use of the gym would be, but it was the jump start I needed!)





I loved that treadmill. It would take me all over the world virtually while I walked. 
3. Our first ever Rockwall Christian Writer's Group Writing Retreat




4. And then COVID-19 found it's way into the United States, and we suddenly found ourselves shut in with only the members of our household and plenty of extra TIME on our hands. Time to read, to write, to play games, to explore, to watch movies, to be creative, to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. 

I literally lived out on my front porch from morning till night during the spring. It was an incredible gift that I didn't want to let slip by without appreciating every single moment. 



Taking my  son's senior pictures. Such a bonding morning with great results. 



Lots of time to spend outside in nature, taking notice of beauty all around us.


Finding new places for coffee dates

So much extra time to spend in prayer
And time to completely rebuild a truck! (Okay, so I wasn't involved in that one.)
God truly blessed and gifted us with more time with our son than we ever could have asked for this last year of his high school career.
5. With so much time and solitude came a lot of introspection and self-discovery. I always knew I thrived in quiet and tranquility, I just may not have known how critically I needed to guard that for me to be my best self. 


6. Solitude. Kinda goes with my last comment. 
7. Poetry. When my soul and my environment are just right, the poems just flow from my heart. 



After an amazing writer's retreat followed by tons of time at home in the quiet or out on my porch all spring, I finally found myself reconnecting with one of my first loves--writing poetry. I wrote for me instead of an audience, and I forgot how much I loved to just sit with an open journal and let the words flow. 
8. Bike rides.Started with a bike at the gym with virtual trails. When the gym closed, Mike and David fixed up my old bike so I could ride again. 


Many days I rode by myself, many with David. That boy challenged me way more than I ever would have challenged myself. 
9. Technology.
 I knew how to get my mom to smile as soon as she answered my calls. :)

And I'm still having fun setting up my virtual classroom, constantly making changes to it to meet the needs of my kids and to keep them excited to come back every day. 
10. Creativity. When normal goes out the window, you just have to get creative. When the rules about how it's always been done suddenly don't apply, the possibilities about what's right and acceptable are endless. We got to recreate what education looks like and we're still doing that!

11. A virtual birthday.

I invited my students to my virtual birthday party, saying they had to bring their own dessert, and they had to wear pink. Mike and the boys got me a pink cake, and my kids all came with their own dessert that we shared together online. It was quite the memorable birthday with the sweetest group of kids. The kids I sent home for spring break that never came back. They will always hold a special place in my heart. We survived the unthinkable school year together. 

And the night ended with one of the most special phone calls of the day, from my "spiritual son", Julian. The boy who always makes me smile.

12. Graduation at the new ballpark, the brand new Ranger's stadium in Arlington before they ever even held a game in it. The day we thought would never come, especially since the date and/or location got changed about 8 different times. 







13. My parents' 50th anniversary.






We were all on pins and needles trying to safely plan that celebration!
14. Online church.We got to know our new pastor and his wife in a much more intimate way than anyone ever could have expected as they joined us live from their home and prayed over us.

15. Weekly chai dates with my mom, with and without masks



16. Safe places and safe people
I had the privilege of leading Mary DeMuth's newest study, Into the Light, in an online Zoom format. We talked a lot about what it means to be a safe person and a safe place for others, as well as how crucial it is for us to have a safe space and safe person readily available in our lives. 
17. DBU




I'm personally very jealous that David gets to experience this beauty every day. 
18. Answered prayersWhen the country started going into lockdown, I grew very concerned for my oldest son, who seemed to waste each day away. He lacked any kind of drive or purpose. I really started praying more intently for God to guide and direct him, and soon after, he started to reconnect with a friend he met at DBU whose dad is a pastor of a small church in McKinney. As much as I didn't want him going out with friends because of the threat of COVID, I knew his mental health was just as critical, so we not only let him go, but encouraged him to. Over the following six months, Juan not only spent a lot of time with his friend (actually a whole friend group), but he also attended church in McKinney more and more regularly with all of them (they were one of the few churches actually meeting as they congregated in their cars in the parking lot for church). Their young adult group grew so much that they built their own little building for their meetings once in person gatherings resumed in the early fall, and Juan made the decision to become a member of the church. God used the pandemic to lead Juan to where he belonged and to instill purpose in him again. 

19. A new kitten
This little guy is both playful and snuggly. His eyes are always wide open, constantly seeking new adventure, but he also loves to be cuddled. We love our other cat, too, but she's a bit of a grouch, always keeping any sort of affection on her terms, so the new little personality has been sweet. 
20. Surviving COVID

Yet the one thing we changed our whole lives all year trying to avoid still found its way into our home in late November. And just when I thought I had a mild case that would soon be behind me, I got worse and feared I might need hospitalization. Once you go in, you're saying goodbye to your family for an undetermined amount of time, which scared the heck out of me. Thankfully I found the strength to call a doctor and got the medication I needed just in time, and I'm probably 95% back to normal, other than some lingering fatigue-a month later. I'm thankful that we're going into the new year with many health care workers already vaccinated and many others in line to get their vaccination soon. 
I think that pretty much sums up many of the bessings that 2020 held for our family. I've got a few more blog entries I hope to find the time to write as we finish up the year and step into 2021. This was a year we will never forget, and this Christmas tree on my mom's wall is the perfect picture for this blog. 


But no matter what, as long as we have Christ, HOPE is never cancelled.