Rachelle D. Alspaugh's Blog, page 25

Unimaginable

The unimaginable happenedThe unthinkable came to beAnd now we’re challenged to graspWhat we know over what we see.
We know He is a good God.We know He loves us so.We know He sends the rain.So the hidden things can grow.
We know He hears our cries.We know He is the God who sees.We know He always worksTo set the captives free.
This season holds me captiveDarkness leaves me feeling lost.Yet I know I must look upWhen my faith is feeling tossed.
Only one thing guaranteesTo lead me to the light.I face my day in surrenderAnd open the fist I hold so tight.
Jesus, take these sorrows.Jesus, be my guide.Jesus, show me more of YouAs I lay my fears aside.
Arm me for this battleRemind me daily who You are.May I recount Your faithfulnessAnd all You’ve done thus far.
We cannot change the pastNor the realities we now face.But I can fix my eyes on Jesus,And make knowing Him my only chase.
Interestingly, God gave me these words as I sat alone in a boathouse on my writer's retreat just one short month ago (this is only an excerpt from the whole poem that I'm still working on revising), while writing about and grappling with several other unthinkable issues that surprisingly came out of nowhere over the last year. 
Little did I know, or anyone for that matter, the unimaginable situation we're currently living through as a nation and a world. Just a single week ago, in fact, my family spent three days straight just gallavanting all over the place, trying to enjoy a few days off together as a family right here in our own community--in some very public places. Golfing, bowling, movies, shopping, eating out, etc. We were getting ready to walk into the movie theater last Wednesday when I read about three positive coronavirus cases found in Frisco, the very town I'd just spent the afternoon in with my parents two days prior. 
Mike and David went to work as usual on Thursday, while Juan and I decided to ditch our plans to take public transport into Dallas to enjoy such a beautiful day at the Arboretum together, so we stayed home instead. That's when things started sinking in as to the dangers lurking around outside, when the cries started coming from Italy for America to listen and stay home, when schools started talking about closing for an extra week, etc. I figured I better stock up my fridge (I'd skipped grocery shopping the week before so we could use the money to eat out during spring break), and then I went to visit my mom and enjoy a cup of tea with her. 
I'm wishing now that we hadn't done any of those things, but we just didn't know. We didn't see this current reality coming from a million miles away. I find it no coincidence that God led our church through a sermon series the last few weeks called "Didn't See it Coming." God did, though, and He was preparing us. 
So today, less than a week later, I'm getting ready to start teaching online and any virtual way I can to stay connected to my students and keep pushing them along while schools are closed indefinitely (for at least 3 weeks, maybe more.) I'm battling with my 18-year-old senior to understand why he must stay home for any reason besides work, to understand that I'm not trying to treat him like a child who can't make his own decisions but rather protect him from being someone who's making the situation worse. I'm prayerfully watching my husband go out to work each day because he's a manager for a food store that obviously won't be closing. I'm cooking big, hearty meals that my family can eat and then have for leftovers to keep us going to the store as little as possible (I guess that's the one perk about Mike working for a food store--I can give him the list of food items we run low on and hope his store is not sold out of them.) I'm giving my son extra permission to shop on Amazon to keep him happy and not so angry about having to stay home. I'm extra concerned about my parents, wanting to spend the extra time I now have with them but not wanting to unintentionally carry a virus into their home. I'm looking at graduation announcements that came in the mail yesterday, announcing a May 21st graduation, wondering what May 21st will even look like and if this will have passed by then or have grown so big that a large graduation ceremony will be out of the question. Life completely halted, pretty much all across the world. 
 My "mobile classroom"--what little I could grab from my actual classroom yesterday.  A morning with pancakes  And many more to snack on.
 That long-awaited graduation announcement for May 21st, 2020.
Yet through all of this uncertainty, I'm also thankful for this time to stay home and breathe. To get out and walk in the fresh air. To throw schedules and daily busyness out the window. To have my sons home, especially David. To sleep in a little later and allow my boys to do the same, knowing that sleep is healing and protects our immune systems. To watch my sons and husband have movie marathons while I work on other things that I enjoy on my own. To reprioritize. I'm thankful for a job that I can, surprisingly, still do from home, and I'm thankful to live in a time where students really can learn virtually. I'm thankful for a district that put together such a wise, detailed plan both in English and Spanish (and Vietnamese) for our students to access and continue learning. I'm thankful for continued income in such an uncertain time. I'm thankful David can still complete his graduation requirements without attending a physical class. I'm thankful we got him his graduation gift (a laptop) early so that he can use it during this time of e-learning so that we're not both fighting to use mine. 
I'm incredibly thankful for my current devotional, One Thousand Gifts, that continues to encourage me to see all the gifts of grace around me, to truly live and record those precious moments we experience every day and not take them for granted. Recording the things I'm thankful for is really recording all the little ways that God shows his daily love for me. Even now in the midst of all this uncertainty. Especially now that we're living through what was truly unimaginable. 


More than anything, I'm thankful for a God who is not the least bit surprised. Ever.

Rockwall Christian Writer's Group Retreat 2020

 I used to thrive on making it to my Christian writer's group every month. Then my season of life gradually changed, and I realized it was one of those pleasures that I needed to give up for awhile, at least until my boys are gone off to college. But the idea of a writing retreat has always appealed to me. So when one of the ladies in our Christian writer's group threw the idea of a retreat out on Facebook, I jumped at the chance and responded immediately with a "Yes!!! Count me in!"
The crazy part was that I only really knew one person going, the one who owned the lakehouse. But I knew that I needed to go. I didn't know just how much I needed that time away, that time with other writers, and that time alone with God and my journal and a few poetic thoughts. Everyone else brought their laptops and typed away at whatever project they currently worked on, but I went back to the basics--a new journal and a new pen. I consider myself a poet before a writer, and poetry is a very therapeutic way for me to process my thoughts and feelings and make connections with what's going on in my life. Sad to say, it had been a very long time since I'd sat down with an open journal and just let the words pour out. 
I'm so incredibly glad I went, and I'm definitely inspired to start writing again, at least a poem here or there, and meeting up with my writer friends more often. 
Here are some pics of that inspirational weekend away in Alba, Texas.Five Points Lake Fork  Walking toward the lake and boathouse in the back.   Walking back toward the house in the early evening.  Sitting on the deck, overlooking the path down toward the boathouse.  The upperlevel deck, accessible to two of the upstairs bedrooms  A little reading/writing nook in one of the bedrooms upstairs
 An added "bunk room" off to the side of one of the upstairs bedrooms  A larger bedroom upstairs  with an added futon for more guests  The main living area to congregate downstairs  The master bathroom downstairs  The master bedroom downstairs with access to the deck outside (I stayed in this room.)

 This room includes a huge walk-in closet to the side.  Right outside the master bedroom downstairs  The new deck they just built the weekend before.


 The backside of the house



 The kitchen  The adorable little coffee bar
and one of the daily lattes that one of the ladies in our group made us daily. 
 Sunset

 My path to pleasure--that led me to an incredible morning beside the lake. 
 Morning on the lake, where I let hours go by without even noticing.
 The red chair that faded to the perfect pink, just for me.













 The front of the house, as we were getting ready to leave
New friends

Spring Break 2020

Spring Break 2020 
I still can't believe we're on our last spring break together in the same school district. My baby boy is less than 3 months away from his high school graduation. 
Money's been a little tighter this year, so we had to wait until the last minute to see what kind of money we even had to play with, and with everybody's crazy schedules, we never did sit down to make any real plans until spring break had already started. We talked about going somewhere for a night or two, but we couldn't decide on where to go. So we decided to use the money we'd spend on gas, food, and a hotel to just do fun things around town that we don't normally do. 
It's not quite over yet, but 2 out of the 4 of us are already back to work, so I guess I can post our fun-day pics for our completely unplanned spring break. All I can say is that I'm so thankful for two young adult boys who still enjoy hanging out with their parents. 
Friday night, we all went to Braum's for ice cream and played a game of cards together while discussing possible things we might be able to do over the next week. 
Saturday morning, David worked the early shift at Chick Fil-A, so Mike and I decided to join him and went there for our breakfast date. :)  Then we all went to church together on Saturday night, before the boys went out with friends after church and we went out with our Life Group. 


Sunday morning I went to the gym and achieved a personal goal of hitting 100 miles on the bike. As much as gyms have seemed overwhelming, intimidating, and inconvenient to me in the past, I sure am thankful David got us all to join Fit Factory this year. It's funny how making the time to go increases my energy so much that I feel like I have MORE time than I used to, plus it is truly inspiring to see other people there making their health a priority. And the mental benefit has done wonders for me. It reminds me of my high-school cross-country days when a long run through the trails, alone with my thoughts, was the perfect way to end (or start) my day.   That afternoon, we all went out for lunch together at Pluckers, then shopping together at the outlet malls, and then found an adorable little coffee bar to enjoy drinks, pastries, and card games together in the fresh, spring air. 

 Monday we all split up and did different things. Mike and I spent the day with my parents, exploring IKEA and getting new ideas to organize , while David worked another day at Chick Fil-A, and Juan served with the youth at church. David met up with them at Dairy Queen later that afternoon. Then that evening, Juan met up with his DBU friends, I went to writer's group for the first time in a very long time, and Mike hung out with a truck buddy. 
Tuesday morning, we all got up early and went to Top Golf to get the best deal. We paid for two hours at the driving range, but the ball machine kept messing up, so they moved us to another bay and gave us an extra hour for free! After that we had lunch together at Chick Fil-A, and then went bowling at Strike and Reel, a new entertainment place just built in Garland. 


















 I was so proud of myself for beating everyone in the first game, even if my score wasn't that great. The truth is, though, that it only went downhill from there for me. Lol. Two hours of bowling is actually quite tiring, and I completely gave up about an hour and a half in. Two days later, and I'm still quite sore!


 We found out that movies were only $5 on Tuesdays, so we stayed for the 5:00 movie and filled ourselves with popcorn for dinner. 
By Wednesday, we were all pretty tired from the previous day's activity, so we slept in. We got up, took care of a few errands, and spontaneously ended up at a chicken restaurant for lunch because it smelled so good when we drove by it. After that, we took our cards in to our favorite local coffee shop, got drinks and pastries, and played Phase 10 for the next two hours. 
Then the boys went to Lowe's, got some materials to work on a backyard project, worked together with Mike on it for a bit, and then David and Juan headed out to go bowling with the youth from church. Mike kept working on the backyard project while I went for a nice walk in the beautiful weather and then just sat on my porch writing in my journal until dark. 
Mike and David went back to working normal hours again today, and Juan and I ditched our plans to go to the Arboretum and decided to stay home and relax (and clean). 
I can't complain. It's been a very pleasurable spring break, despite not having any plans or a lot of money to play around with. I love that we all can enjoy simple things together, like a cup of coffee and a deck of cards. 

Just walking the trails

So, I could say that I've had an adventurous winter break. Over the last 9 days, I've walked trails in Los Angeles, California, through five little towns in Italy, in New Zealand, Canada, British Columbia, and even Argentina! I've walked through woods, through rocky trails, on the tops of mountains, and right along the beach. 
Okay, so I wish I got to do all that. Actually, I just joined the new gym that opened right around the corner, and when I press the virtual tour button, the screen takes me on famous trails all over the world. It's kinda cool.


Now you have to understand, I hate the gym. I hate working out with other people around, I hate having to change my clothes in order to exercise, and I hate crowds. 
But I love my boys and my family, and I'm always trying to be super intentional about finding ways to hang out with them and stay connected with them. I had no intention of joining a gym, though I knew the stress of last year had gotten the better of me physically and I needed some accountability to get back on track with more healthy decisions. 
So when David started talking about joining a gym, it was a no-brainer to do it together as a family. He researched gyms close to us, and we found a new one that just opened up by the mall around the corner. I've already seen big benefits for me mentally (if I'm feeling overwhelmed, I can go tune out on the treadmill to recharge), not to mention the physical benefit that comes with being active, the dietary benefit (because it's harder to eat a bunch of junk after you just worked so hard to burn calories), and the bonding benefit of working out side by side with your sons. 
I'm looking forward to how this impromptu decision is going to help us become a healthier, more connected and bonded family in many ways. 
And I am excited to keep walking such famous trails all over the world. Any opportunity to see the world keeps my spirit motivated. 

Unexpected beginnings

2020 started much differently than other years.

We usually bring in a new year by playing card games, eating 12 grapes (a Colombian tradition), drinking a sparkling drink of some kind, and watching the ball drop on TV.
This year Juan drove to DBU to celebrate with friends, and David went to Atlanta to attend the Passion 2020 Conference.

It was David's first opportunity to attend Passion, as it's for 18-25 year olds, and he just turned 18. Juan hasn't ever gone, so we knew little about it.
As soon as it started on Tuesday evening, David sent me a text saying that we could watch the sessions live online and even on certain TV stations. 
So Mike and I pulled it up online while we played cards, and we sat and watched almost the entire first session of the conference from the comfort of our home. Then we sat and listened as 65, 000 young adults brought in the new year and new decade while singing praises to God, while worshipping with song. We even sang along here. It was beautiful, and I am so thankful that David had the opportunity (and desire) to be there. I can't think of a better, more memorable and truly meaningful way for him to bring in the year 2020.


 While this went on outside...  this continued on inside, without skipping a beat. 

 Powerful.  Day 2, while Mike was at work, Juan and I sat playing cards and watching more of the Passion sessions together. 



I ended up spending the following two days watching as much of the conference as I could along with him. And each session made me more thankful that he had the chance to be there. You know God worked deeply in his heart when he came home with a new book by John Piper and said, "Mom, you can read this book after I'm done with it." (This is the child that's super smart, but won't crack open a book unless absolutely necessary.)


Expecting God to show up big in 2020. 

A few highlights of the last year

 The opportunity to dine over the ocean  A few hours of relaxation on a private beach in Cozumel--an excursion that we won! Before the beach, we got to go snorkeling.  Visiting a small school in Belize  Visiting an orphanage in Belize

 Finally experiencing the "floating city" behind all those little windows on the ship  The clearest of waters in Roatan, Honduras.   Sunsets over the ocean  David finding his natural ability in the accounting field, surpassing all the kids in the grade above him in his class.  Unexpected FC Dallas game tickets  Another successful butterfly release with 2nd graders  A surprise strawberry pie for my birthday from my mom  David earned his letter and letter jacket.  Free concerts in the park

 Impromptu coffee date with BOTH my parents  My dad published another book!  David got accepted into DBU  My mom and I got to be part of a Lifeway taping of Mary DeMuth's upcoming Bible study, Into the Light  Our Gratitude Wall in second grade
 Bringing in the new year while worshipping, singing praises to our God, along with 65,000 college age students at the 2020 Passion Conference in Atlanta, Georgia. 

2020 Word for the year

As I realized that my year to shine quickly began to close, I also realized that I hadn't even thought about a new word for 2020. I started to toy around with a few words and just came up empty. So, I prayed for God to reveal a word to help define, direct, and lead the coming year.

At first the phrase "let go" flashed across my mind. But a phrase just didn't seem right. I asked myself what word might capture the act of letting go, and as soon as I spoke it aloud, I knew God had given me my new word.

Release.

As a verb, it means to allow or enable to escape from confinement, to set free. Some synonyms and synonomous phrases included liberate, set loose, let out, allow to leave, unchain, unleash, liberate, let go. 

Looking back over 2019, I can say it held more darkness than any other year of the last decade other than walking through grief in 2010 over the failed adoption. I ended 2018 on a spiritual high, ready to celebrate all that God had in store for our marriage and family. Yet some of our darkest days as a couple loomed on the horizon, precisely at the time we'd already planned a big celebration. 2019 was a hard year . Period.
I won't go into detail about any of it because I'm still working through and sorting out a lot of the trials that truly blindsided us. I'm thankful for the buds of growth that I've seen come through those trials, I'm thankful for unexpected and unexplained financial stability, I'm thankful for employment, and I'm thankful to be teaching the grade that my heart wanted to teach (when even that threatened to be taken from me). I'm thankful for an amazing class of second graders that have already surpassed many of my expectations for them. I'm thankful that so far this current school year has been one of my best years ever as a teacher with a class of kids that absolutely love coming to school and working together as the "family" that we are in my classroom.

But despite all the good I see and am claiming, there's still a lot I need to release into my Father's hands. Hurt, anger, disappointment, unanswered questions, unmet expectations, changes in plans, etc. I need to open up my tight fist and let things go.

In addition to releasing the past, there's an 18 year old boy in my home awaiting his upcoming release from high school to college, from dependence to independence. My heart is fighting hard against this new word, yet knows the time is coming soon. I don't like any part of it. He's my little buddy, the one who's accompanied me on nearly every adventure over the last 18 years. I hate that his childhood has slipped away, yet he's everything I could have hoped for in an adult son. We raised him to be responsible, independent, caring, with a heart for the lost and a passion to serve. He's completely devoted to his church and serves at every opportunity that comes up. He's incredibly independent and carefully plans out every minute of his time between his church friends and activities, his job, his truck, and his family. He manages his money carefully and lives frugally to stretch every dollar. He's currently with the young adult group (one of only 8 who are still high schoolers) in Georgia at the Passion Conference, and he's eagerly awaiting his first international mission trip (without his family) to South Africa this July, hoping he might also have the chance this summer to return to the Rio Grande Valley in Texas to serve the families in the valley. After that, he'll be driving his truck off to Dallas Baptist University to start his freshman year as a college student. He's a natural born leader, very confident in who he is. Ready for release, whether I'm ready or not.

I know from experience that the act of releasing something is freeing and liberating to the soul. I also know that God asks us to open up our grip from whatever it is that we're white-knuckling and release it so He can fill our hands with something greater. But releasing my first-born son is not going to be easy on this mama's heart.

Yet I began the last decade learning to let go of two children, and God filled my open, empty hands with more blessing than I ever could have seen coming through that act of release. I'm looking forward to seeing what God has for my son and our family in this new decade to come as I learn to release what is no longer mine to hold onto.

2020. Graduation year. It always seemed so far away, yet here it is. As reluctant as I am to show emotion, you might just catch a few tears on my cheeks at unexpected times over the course of this year. 

A year to SHINE

When the word SHINE came to me last year, I kind-of liked the sound of it. A year to shine sounded nice and honorable.

Yet light shines brightest in the dark, and 2019 held a long road of darkness that literally pulled the rug out from under me and knocked me to the ground. I barely spoke of the inner turmoil I experienced this last year to anyone other than a few very close friends. While I may have held it together on the outside, inside I fought a silent battle that left me grasping for any strings I could hold on to in order to survive. I'm a private person, and I share very little of myself with those around me unless I write about it or I talk about it in a small Bible study group. However, I stopped writing, and I gave up attending and teaching women's Bible studies this year in order to work on the main relationship in my life that matters the most (besides Christ)--my marriage. So my world got pretty quiet and pretty small. I never imagined that the year we planned to celebrate 20 years of togetherness would be the year that I would fight the desire to give up. Satan fought hard against us and probably felt pretty successful for several months, but God ... 
Two things kept us together (besides the prayers of the few people who knew this battle was going on): Daily gratitude and a church that pours into marriage for the sake of the gospel through a program called ReEngage. I can't say enough about either of those two things.
Daily gratitude keeps me looking for anything positive I can find and keeps me thanking God for His daily gifts of grace. It keeps my focus on God and off of myself and all the problems surrounding me.  It keeps me looking for the good that can come out of the bad. 
One Thousand Blessings Journal, Ann Voskamp

ReEngage is a program we've been through before, just not while in crisis, so it was a comfort to know we could jump in at any time to get the help that we needed. There's so much power in numbers, being in an auditorium full of other married couples who are actually admitting their faults and talking about their mistakes and their struggles. For the last nine months, we've spent every Wednesday night hearing messages on God's plan for marriage, listening to testimonies of how God redeemed marriages that the world would have considered hopeless and written off, learning from other couples how to communicate with each other in a healthier way, and walking away with tools to help us continue walking forward through a difficult season. It's not magic, but we watched so many couples reconnect and reunite. You can't sit through ReEngage and not leave with hope and a renewed desire to make your marriage work. One of their popular mottos is, if God has the power to resurrect Jesus from the dead, then He has the same power to resurrect your marriage.

Wednesday nights used to be sacred to me because it was Bible study night with my lady friends. Now Wednesday nights are sacred because it's date night, our middle of the week chance to reconnect and focus on us. We're still a work in progress, but it's progress. I struggled giving up teaching Bible study, but I felt like God was going to use this struggle to equip me to help someone coming through one of my Bible studies in the future. Little did I know that He'd use our current involvement in ReEngage to reach out to another couple very close to us also facing a silent battle in their marriage that no one knew about. God never wastes anything, even our struggles when we're still in them. So, like I said, my world got pretty small as my focus surrounded one main relationship. I wondered how much I really lived up to my word for the year. Did I even have much of an opportunity to shine?
Then God gave me a devotional that pointed out something I never noticed before, and I knew He breathed it over me that day. Proverbs 31:30 says that "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised ." Which also means to shine. I see it as "she glows". The more you fear the Lord, the more you radiate His light.
I ended the year getting these unexpected messages from friends around me who didn't even know I was looking for evidence of having lived out my word or not. 



 And also a text from another friend that I have honestly spent very little time with that said, "I love spending time with you, the holy spirit radiates off of you!!"

I'm truly thankful for these late year messages and consider them gifts from God, His way of speaking to me and letting me know that He sees me and hears my need for affirmation. Gifts I already added to my 1,000 Blessings Gratitude Journal.

So with that, I bring 2019 to a close and welcome the year 2020 with a new word. Stay tuned.










          

I'm a FIVE

I'm a very naturally reflective person. I think I'm much better at reflecting than I am at living. That's actually kind of bothered me for most of my life until more recently when more awareness has come out about the gift of introversion versus extroversion. My family thinks I'm weird, but I actually love to read articles about introversion and join introvert groups on Facebook with people just like me. It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one who hates talking on the phone, who prefers silence, who craves time alone, who thrives with one-on-one conversation and companionship rather than being with a group, and who prefers to listen and observe over talking and participating.

But then I attended a women's event at my church with a close friend, and we stumbled across the Enneagram. I'll admit, I'd never heard of it before, although now I know just how popular and widespread it is. As I've read, studied, and pondered over these nine personality types in the book The Road Back to You (Ian Cron and Suzane Stabile) over the last month, I'm left mesmerized as to how well the number 5 described me and helped me understand myself so much more. It's more than just a Meyer's-Briggs ISFJ personality, more than an introvert/extrovert explanation of who I am. It helped me see my strengths, my weaknesses, my needs, and even the why behind certain odd behaviors that I demonstrate quite often.

According to the Enneagram, as a five, I truly NEED time alone. I live so much of life in my head, that without time alone, I am not able to process the events in my life nor how I feel about them. I am emotionally detached and need time in private (sometimes days) to process an experience and know how I actually feel. I do not feel in the moment. I often have to go back in my head to process the emotions from an experience and feel them later. This suddenly made sense to me why I tend to push people away when I'm going through a difficult time. How can I talk to someone about what I'm going through if I haven't even processed it yet myself? It also made sense to me why I don't cry during movies, why people can pour their hearts out to me in tears, yet a single tear never enters my eye. It also revealed to me why I write.  I love to write poetry because I have no idea what I'm going to write, but by the time I finish a poem, I understand how deeply I truly feel about something, and I find Scriptural or spiritual healing by the end of every poem I write. I always used to say that writing poems was my way of processing my life. Now it makes perfect sense.

As a five, I'm very defensive with my time, constantly seeking security, independence, and privacy. One of my classic traits is to withhold personal information. Yep. Super hard for me to open up personally and share the depth of my heart unless I do so in writing. And if I took the time and showed the courage to do so in writing, then I most certainly do not want to talk about it, too. If I open my heart in a written way, take that as a gift from me and leave it at that.

As a five, I found that I am known for staying calm when everything or everyone around me is falling apart. Fives are knowing for their calmness in crisis. (At home I would not say that's true, but when I'm at work, that's incredibly true of me. A coworker of mine recently told me that when she sees me, she senses peace. Others also comment that they come into my room because they just need some calm vibes to get through their drama of a day. I've been told I have a soothing voice, too.)

At home, as like many other fives, I have to have a special place to be able to withdraw and recharge, a place that's filled with books, journals, articles, and special mementos from my travels and/or experiences. I crave simplicity and am not very attached to material things. I am a minimalist, which can often show up in my appearance (thus why my non-minimalist friend gives me so many cute clothes because she knows I won't buy them myself). Too much social engagement wears me out, which is why I keep a calendar so I don't overbook myself and spread myself too thin. I literally have to plan my energies around a big social event. I'm not so withdrawn that I don't participate in life socially, I just have to mentally plan for those events ahead of time. If you invite me somewhere last minute and I go, know that you must be pretty special to me because spontaneity is not my gift.

I hate to be interrupted while I'm working on something--especially by a phone, and I plan my time to the minute because I know just how much energy I have before my battery is going to run out. If I know an interruption is coming, I plan far ahead how to handle it and still get what I need to get done.

Fives are the most misunderstood of all the personality types. Since I am so quiet and reserved, I am very often mistaken for being snobby, stuck-up, or thinking I am better than others. Every time I get a new teammate at work, I have to explain from the get-go that I'm just not a very social person. It's not that I don't like to be around people--I do. But I need time and space to recharge in silence, plus I think and operate best without noise, so I keep my door closed a lot. Teaching 22 seven-year-olds takes a lot of energy, so when they've all gone home for the day, the last thing I want to do is try to socialize with someone. When I'm at work, my focus is work, not social relationships. I do build relationships at work, but they usually have to start outside of the regular work day (during a luncheon, a team-building activity, on a staff development day, a lunch out, etc.) But if we plan a get together outside of work over a cup of coffee, you'll see a whole different side of me and learn so much more about me. So when I read that my life is compartmentalized, I totally got it. Yes. Every person in my life fits into a different space and purpose. And it's all about learning how to manage my limited social energy before I just need some silence and solitude again. It keeps my from getting overwhelmed.

In the second book they wrote (The Path Between Us) that guides you to understand how to work the best with each different personality type, the one thing that stood out to me about working with a FIVE is to use as few words as possible. The less words, the better. That made me chuckle because it's so true. Talking to extroverts and long-winded or repetetive people wears me out. Once I've heard the main message of the conversation and then it starts to repeat itself, I tend to tune out. Lol. Sorry.

I learned so much in both of these books, not just about myself, but about all the different personality types and what makes them act the way they do. It gave me a different sense of compassion and understanding for my husband and all his quirks, a sense of forgiveness toward myself for all of my own quirks, and a better perspective about my boys and my other family members and why they do and say certain things.

I also finally understand why I started this blog and why I need to write on it more often. It's my processing page, my quiet space to attach emotions to my life, my way of letting others in when I would normally push them away. So my goal for 2020 is to get back on here more and share what's really going on inside me. It's a win-win, I think. I process more and know myself more, while at the same time I let others in.

This journey into the Enneagram was not something I pursued or saw coming, but I believe God led me to it for a purpose. (It really all just started out as wanting to spend an evening one-on-one with a close friend). I'm thankful to know myself and my family in a new and deeper way as I say goodbye to the last year and decade and step into the year 2020.

(**The bold phrases are traits of FIVES that I got straight from the books.)

Christmas 2019

We had to get creative as to where to put the tree this year since we got new furniture pieces over the year that took the normal tree spaces.  I can't believe the time has come for this precious boy's senior picture ornament to hang on my tree. I was thankful to Juan for helping me at least get our cross lit up this year. And even more thankful when I came home from work that last week before Christmas to find that Mike had gotten new lights to light up our nativity. I loved how they went together so well, the cross with the nativity, the gospel in one lit up display.  Mike and I decided to commit to the Luke challenge this year, reading a chapter a day in the month of December in spiritual preparation for Christmas. I will have to say that it was a really neat experience, reading about the resurrection on Christmas Eve morning.  This was a much tighter year financially due to job changes, but with two working sons, we still ended up with an abundance of gifts to exchange between the four of us. I loved the giving hearts of both of my sons toward each other and toward us. I also was quite amazed at Juan's still very obvious childlike anxiety over seeing so many gifts and wondering what he might be getting. This was still only his seventh Christmas with us, meaning only his seventh year to actually have gifts under the tree for him. A good reminder to me that although we need to start pushing more adulthood on him, we also need to appreciate and celebrate the child within him. He may not have gotten everything he asked for, but at least he felt seen and heard and loved.  In keeping with tradition, we started Christmas Eve by attending the last candlelight service at church, side by side with my brother's family. (My parents couldn't attend because they both caught a pretty bad cold this year.) And also in keeping with the Kloppmann side of tradition, we ordered pizza on the way home from the service before starting our gift exchange. Here are a few things we ended up with from each other: A relaxation kit for me from Mike. A steering wheel for Mike's truck from the boys. An extra long phone charger for the boy who can't seem to disconnect from his phone. A good old Texas t-shirt Another fun shirt. A voucher to go shopping later. Now he can choose between the clothes or the shoes that he wanted so we don't have to make that choice for him. Juan's way of secretly coding the gifts by writing Mom in Hebrew.  An oversized hoodie from Juan since I'm always cold. 
A tiny note from Juan tucked into a pencil sharpener, taped tightly in a cookie tin, wrapped inside a bunch of tissue paper, wrapped inside a taped up shoe box, placed nicely in a stapled gift bag. Lol. A pretty nice (and expensive) gift from Juan to David. A candle to make the house smell like cookies in the oven.  A welcome-to-adulthood gift for Juan. A blanket for Mike with his truck on it--with David in the driver's seat! This has been David's mode of transportation this semester while they have been working on David's pick-up for several months.  More warm pajamas. I had just told Mike that I needed a pan just a bit bigger than the one on the stove and just a bit smaller than the one in the cabinet. So now I have one just the right size.  A new shirt for David, just his color to highlight his beautiful blue eyes.  Juan confused about what could possibly be in this big box. Even more confused by the Big Lots box (it didn't come from Big Lots.) "Holy cow! It's a piano!" I told him he'd be surprised, but still happy (after a long conversation the day before about not always getting exactly what you asked for--he's always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but we never had anything for him to play around with at home.) A much-needed new watch/fitness tracker.  The weighted vest that he randomly asked for to use while walking the dog. A wireless mouse from David to help my classroom run more efficiently.  A pic of the day he reunited with his sister at the Real Madrid stadium in Madrid.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Headphones so we don't have to listen to the beginning piano stages. 
Brother/sister pic Christmas Day with my parents  The crackling Christmas Day fire on a 70 degree day. 
Plus David got a laptop as a combination gift for Christmas/b-day/graduation, but we didn't get any pics of it. 
It was a quiet Christmas, but nice. We ended the day with a big Christmas dinner at home that we threw together and then played cards for several hours in the evening.