Edward Lorn's Blog, page 35

End of Watch Review and Spoiler Discussion

Now that I’ve stopped weeping like child at a funeral, I believe I can review this one as well as speculate on the future of Stephen King’s career. Let’s do this.

To the surprise of some, I was a huge fan of Mr. Mercedes. The book was fresh, a nice change of direction, and it showed King’s love for the craft. Trying something so different so late in life must have been scary fun. Finders Keepers was pretty good, too, but I thought it occasionally missed the mark. With End of Watch, I feel the series as a whole is a must-read experience, as each book compliments the next. This final novel in the Bill Hodges trilogy is my favorite of the bunch, but I don’t think that would’ve been the case without the other two books. While I gave Mr. Mercedes five stars and Finders Keepers four, I would give this final book, and the series as a whole, a perfect score.

But I cannot help but think that Revival is the final standalone King book we will receive. For a detailed list of the evidence I have to back up this claim (all speculation, mind you, but nonetheless thought provoking), please see the Spoiler Discussion section at the end of this review. I feel that we have one more King novel to look forward to, though: the final Jack Sawyer novel, which was, according to both Peter Straub and King himself, started in 2005. I’m going to hazard a guess and say that book is done and awaiting publication. These are just theories folks. No one would be happier than I to find years’ worth of King books still to come.

I will make note of four things I particularly loved about this last novel:

1. I actually came to like Det. Ret. Kermit William Hodges. It only took three books, but I did eventually come to like him. I’m sure that now, if I were to reread them, I would more than likely enjoy his presence in the previous novels more the second time around.

2. Holly is not only one of my favorite characters in this series, but one of my favorite characters ever to grace the pages of a book. And I mean any book. Her idiosyncrasies remind me of someone I’ve lived with all my life.

3. Theme. This book is heavy on theme: friendship, loss, a well-lived life, and the difference between letting go and giving up.

4. The ending is one of strongest endings King has ever written. Period. The ending of the novel brings the entire series full circle. I love a well-designed story and for the punishment to fit the crime.

And that’s it. That’s all I can say here without giving away some major plot points.

In summation: A fantastic ending to a great trilogy whose sum is greater than its parts. As cliched as it is, I laughed, I cried, and I didn’t want it to end. My only regret is that I read it so damn fast. Now what am I supposed to do?

Final Judgment: A fitting farewell.

Spoiler Discussion: Wherein I spoil Mr. Mercedes, End of Watch, and Joe Hill’s The Fireman, along with a minor spoiler for a story in The Bazaar of Bad Dreams

[spoiler]

Here is all the evidence I have compiled to support my theory that this or the final Jack Sawyer novel will be King’s last published works:

1. In an interview with Bryant Gumbel during the book tour for Dreamcatcher (this was two years after King was run over and almost killed by a speeding van), King told Gumbel that he could see himself retiring from publishing but he would never stop writing. Finders Keepers is about an author who who does just that. In another interview, this one after the publication of Under the Dome, King told the interviewer thatUnder the Dome and one more book, that one about JFK, were two stories he’d always wanted to tell but never got around to writing. Seeing that we finally got to read 11/22/63 after decades of the story marinating in King’s head, I feel that he’s done everything he’s put off. He’s all caught up. Hell, he even managed to finish the Dark Tower series. Nothing left now but the final Jack Sawyer novel, which Straub and King have been working on since 2005.

2. In Joe Hill’s The Fireman, we see the death of a character known as Father Storey. Not only that, but the entire book is littered with Easter eggs for Stephen King’s work and not Hill’s, making me think that The Fireman serves as a passing of the torch from father to son.

3. The story at the end of The Bazaar of Bad Dreams is about the end of the world. The novel to follow that collection is this book, End of Watch. That’s an awful lot of rumination on the end of things for my liking. And seeing Hodges die at this end of this one does not give me high hopes for King’s future. I’m not saying he’s sick, but it sure feels like something might be wrong.

4. End of Watch is about a life well lived and letting go. Saying goodbye is a major theme of the book.

No one would miss King more than I, but I can’t help but to see signs everywhere. I really hope I’m wrong. I truly do.

Thanks for hanging around, Constant Reader.

*hugs and high fives*

[/spoiler]

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1417052/end-of-watch-review-and-spoiler-discussion

Where You Once Belonged Review

Review:

I’m having a very unique problem lately. This is the second book that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed that I can’t really recommend to anyone for fear that they’ll hate it. So, once again, take my rating and this review with a grain of salt. You’ll likely fucking hate this book. 

Where You Once Belonged is a book that I would label a tragedy, in the vein of such depressing fair as Of Mice and Men and The Green Mile. Bad shit happens in this book, and the author doesn’t care about your need for retribution or a happy ending. Not all books need to see our characters riding off into the sunset. But you should also know that this book is terrifically short. It does not overstay its welcome, and when the final kick to the nuts is revealed, I didn’t find myself saying, “I wasted all my time reading this for that?” Because, while the ending is fitting, given the previous 170 pages, the last four pages are more open-ended than Jada Fire. But, in my opinion, that’s okay, because this book isn’t a time sink.

(To the dudes out there Googling Jada Fire, you’re welcome. Ladies who dig ladies, you are also welcome.)

The packaging of this book is misleading. This is not about what happens when a town hero returns after disappearing. It is about what happened before and directly after he disappears. Only the first and last chapters are in the present. Everything else is first-person omniscient (bold move by the author, as I’ve only read three books [this is the fourth] that use this crazy style of narration) and 90% of that is flashbacks. First-person omniscient is uber strange. This is a narrative style that is told as if you’re listening to someone recollect true events. But what’s odd about it is that the narrator knows what everyone is doing, even though they were not there to witness it: he knows their motivations, their actions, their truest, deepest feelings. It could be said that, since our main character Pat Arbuckle, is a journalist, he could have interviewed everyone, but given the knowledge he might have acquired, I don’t think this is a good explanation. There are things in here I doubt the people in this town would have admitted to their closest, most-trusted loved one, let alone a newsman.

Which brings me to why you might hate this book. It opens in such a way as to give you certain promises that it never delivers on. You expect the book to be about what happens in this town after Jack Burdette returns, but it’s not about that. Not in the least. If you go into this expecting to get answers to those questions, you will be sorely upset.

I, however, love a dour and dire piece of writing, if I’m in the mood for it. And that’s exactly what this books is. It is fucking harsh. Bring Kleenex.

In summation: Where You Once Belonged is an arresting, affecting, powerful, and short novel. Recommended for fans of Hemingway, Steinbeck, and O’Connor.

Final Judgment: A thug-punch to the feels.

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1415216/where-you-once-belonged-review

Wonderland Adult Coloring Book Review

I love how this coloring book is introduced:

“Ever imagine shit? Ever wanted to color that shit your own colors? Well now you damn well fucking can.”

I’m paraphrasing, of course. The author (illustrator? mastermind? henchwoman of fuckery?) doesn’t cuss in her intro, but she does hearken back to the good old days of childhood imagination. I still play in my head. My imagination is my job. But I know that there are some of you who take shit too seriously. Your asses need to chill the fuck out and color. Grab some adult crayons (coloring pencils) and get to staying between the lines. Fuck it. Color outside the lines if you so fucking desire. Do that shit. You’re a grown ass man or woman, or whatever you identify as. You could be a motherfucking passenger pigeon for all the fucks I give. But if you are a passenger pigeon, I gotta ask: Where the fuck you been? Like, aren’t you supposed to be extinct? You’re like a goddamn dodo bird, yo.

Speaking of dodo birds, there’s one in Alice and Wonderland. (See how I brought that shit full circle on your ass? Righteous.) In this coloring book, Alice is all looking through her purse, and the dodo bird is like, “Yo, chick, what’s in your goddamn purse?” So this book is accurate. It really manages to capture the feel of Wonderland, because, you know, dodo birds, yo.

The hare wears a crown of twigs in this book. Fuck if I know why. He’s got, like, this motherfucking bird’s nest on his dome, and the Mad Hatter don’t seem to give a single shit that his homedude is rocking a bird’s crib on his melon. Weird. But I’m still gonna color the fuck out of it. Believe that.

There’s even an item-find aspect in this motherfucker. Like those games you get in the app store for free, but then when you get stuck they wanna charge you your rent money for hints. I’m all like, “Asshole, I ain’t got $99 for unlimited coins! Are you out yo damn mind? How about I let you hold a dollar for a fistful of hints? Maybe I suck yo dick and you point me in the right direction?”

Anyballs, I like this adult coloring book, but it is seriously lacking in the adult content. I was expecting to find Tweedle Dee diddling Tweedle Dum, or the caterpillar getting his daily dose of iron by going down on the Red Queen. Hell, least they coulda done was have the jabberwocky flash me a titty. Shit!

In summation: Too little boobage but much attention to detail. Too little sexy times but just enough blank space for me to insert… ahem… for me to color in. This coloring book is dope, but don’t let your homeboy catch you slipping. Crayons is for little kids, dog. Real men use permanent marker.

Final Judgment: The bestest coloring book about Alice in Wonderland ever drawn by some chick named Amily Shen to ever be released by Crown publishing and sent to me for an honest review.

Original post:

edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1406948/wonderland-adult-coloring-book-review

The Fireman Review and Spoiler Discussion

Review:

(Reviewer’s note: Starting today, I’m going to be doing things differently. For those of you familiar with my format, you know I have the body of the review for those of you who like in-depth dissections and/or goofy-ass satire, and then I have an In summation wrap up and a Final Judgment for the tl;dr crowd. Now I’m adding a Spoiler Discussion section. At the ass-end of this post, you will find a spoiler tag. Click on this tag only if you’ve read the book I’m reviewing. On with the review.)

It is with a heavy heart that I must give this book three stars. Last night, I was certain it would be four stars, but after much consideration, I just couldn’t do it. Hopefully, I can effectively explain why.

Before I ever started this book, I said to myself, “Self, you’re not going to mention Stephen King or The Stand in your review. Hill has proven himself as his own author, and he gained an audience before anyone knew he was King’s son. So, yeah, don’t mention that shit because to do so would make you an asshole. Cool? Cool.”

Well fuck me. I can’t do that. Yes, The Fireman is Joe Hill’s book, but it is so packed full of Stephen King Easter eggs and nods to The Stand that it is impossible for me not to talk about them. So I will get them out of the way up front. Damn near every chapter of this book has a reference to Stephen King. The book is nothing like King’s post-apocalyptic masterpiece, but it is stuffed to the brim with plot points and characters that mirror King’s novel. But this is not to say that you’re missing something if you haven’t read The Stand(well, you’re missing a lot, considering it’s a fantastic book, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make). Let’s say you haven’t read The Stand (shame on you) and you decide to pick up The Fireman. If you do so, you’ll have a complete, thrilling experience with no confusion, because the Easter eggs are hidden in the way Easter eggs should be hidden. In such a way as to make fans giddy and those not in the know not feel confused. For instance: there’s a character named Nick in this book. Nick is a deaf kid. Nick Andros from The Stand was also deaf. If you haven’t read King’s book, you’re not missing anything. Every single Easter egg in this book is like that. Unlike some authors (myself included), Hill never makes you feel as if you’re missing something. I dig that very much. I had a fucking blast finding all the references, and my only complaint about the amount of Easter eggs is that Hill only dropped one for his own work. I would have loved to see something about Judas Coyne or Charlie Manx or the murder of a girl named Merrin or a couple people discussing an inflatable boy or a nod to a horror story about the Buttonboy or a comic titled Locke & Key. Hill’s brand is full of fantastic lore and characters, and I feel as if he doesn’t value his own work as much as he values his father’s. Hill spent so much time and effort distancing himself from his father’s legacy so he could rise on the current of his own abilities, but now that everyone knows his real name is Joseph Hillstrom King, it feels like he’s playing second fiddle to Pops. That being said, this book shines with Hill’s love for his old man. I get it. I simply hope that, in the future, there’s more Hill in Hill’s work and less King.

Wow, I went off on a tangent. Back to the story.

The Fireman is an odd bird; a mixture of the beginning and middle of The Stand and Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The former more so than the latter. That’s right: this book is more like Harry Potter than it is The Stand. Most of my reasoning will be in the Spoiler Discussion at the end of this post, but suffice it to say, the book is built on the same chassis. Hill even mentions Rowling in his dedication, thanking her for showing him how to tell his story. In my opinion, though, Hill tells the better story. But, there are certain sections that outright steal from Rowling’s book. Some might call these tributes, but because Hill’s story strongly depends on certain plot points he borrowed from Rowling, I call it stealing. Once again, more on that in the Spoiler Discussion section. Because there is so much in this book Hill got from other sources, I cannot give the book a perfect score. I didn’t imagine I would ever say this about a Joe Hill book, but the amount of unoriginal ideas in this novel is staggering. The more I think about it, the more it feels like Armada, by Ernest Cline, only better written and not so obnoxiously obvious with its pop culture referencing. Hill’s tributes are subtle, but there are so many of them they start to form a pile you cannot ignore.

That being said, The Fireman is highly readable. One of the most well written books I’ve read this year. His prose sings, its so well tuned. Even the lulls engage the reader, and I never felt as if I was reading information I could do without.

A note on the hardcover version: It’s fucking gorgeous. There’s almost imperceptible dots of ash on every page, but they never interfere with the readability of the words. I dig the cover, too, which is a perfect blend of gloss and matte finish. The attention to detail is stunning. So nice.

And everything else I want to talk about is spoiler related, so if you’ve read this one, I’ll see you in the Spoiler Discussion.

In summation: While unoriginal to the point it becomes predictable, the book is a fun time. I want to see Hill go back to his own brand next time, though, instead of playing along the path of the beam. I hope that he’ll continue to build on King’s lore instead of stealing from it. There’s nothing wrong with a tribute as long as it’s transformative in nature. Anything less is stealing. And that’s what this felt like; a friendly robbery.

Final Judgment: Not entirely Hill’s creation.

Spoiler Discussion: Wherein I discuss and spoil The Fireman,The Stand, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

[spoiler]

Yo! How’s it going? Great book, huh? I enjoyed it, anyways. So, how much referencing did Hill do? Lemme count the ways:

1. Deaf character named Nick is obvious reference to Nick Andros from The Stand. See also: Asshole/traitor character named Harold Cross/Harold Lauder of The Stand and the pregnant Harper Francis “Frannie” Grayson/the pregnant Francis “Frannie” Goldsmith from The Stand.

2. Twice, Hill writes that a character “forgot the face of their father”, which is a reference to King’s Dark Tower series.

3. Hill describes those with Drangonscale as “shining”, which could be a loose reference to his father’s book The Shining. Also, in the dedication to The Shining, King says, “This is for Joe Hill King, who shines on.” In The Fireman, Hill says in his dedication, “For Ethan John King, who burns bright.”

4. A character named Mindy shouts “My life for…”, which is a reference to Trashcan Man in The Stand who was wont to say, “My life for you!” Although Mindy does not say “you”, she uses actual character names.

5. There’s a face in the fire ala Sirius Black in the Harry Potter books. Other Potter plot points are: female dictator-type character who is unbending and ruthless; much teen angst from Allie; a secret society that might as well be called the Order of the Phoenix because The Fireman creates an actual fucking phoenix with his powers; a wizard (in this case a burner) coming into their own and learning how to use their powers; and so on. This book really is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix just with a brand new paint job. Sad part is, I never would have noticed if Hill hadn’t said, “J.K. Rowling, whose stories showed me how to write this one” in the dedication page.

6. A reference to Tom Gordon from The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. I know Tom Gordon is/was a real baseball player, but think about all the baseball players in the world. Don’t you find it funny that Hill chose to use him of all people?

7. Nozz-a-la soda is a nod to King’s Dark Tower series, which puts Hill’s book on the path of the beam.

9. Flaming hand of God saves the day. I don’t care if in Hill’s book Nick makes the hand, this is an obvious nod to how King ends The Stand.

8. John Rookwood’s fire truck falls into a collapsed overpass much like Stu Redman of The Stand falls into one in King’s book. Both men break their leg and are unable to go forward of their own power. John does continue the journey, but must be dragged, whereas Stu is left behind. This entire ending was also reminiscent of Roland’s battle with infection in The Drawing of the Three.

9. CHRISTMASLAND!!! Finally, Hill references his own work!

To wrap up, if you guys didn’t read the credits at the end of the book, you really, really should. The story continues there, where we find out the real ending.

This has been fun. Thanks for joining me.

[/spoiler]

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1406284/the-fireman-review-and-spoiler-discussion

Ten Bookish Questions

I stole this from Sarah who got the idea from Bookloving Writer. Feel free to steal from me. As if you needed permission

The Naked Cook Book Review

 

The Naked Cook Book, by Tess Ward. Buy this motherfucker HERE!

I’m a foodie only in the sense that I love food and watch Food Network. To give it to you in the simplest SAT format: Foodies are to erotica what binge eaters like me are to porn. What? Fuck if I know. I think I got a 22.7 on my SATs – which equates to an O positive. I can barely pass a piss quiz without sneaking my kids’ urine into the bathroom at the pain clinic. I take so many pain meds, son, your boy pisses pills. #truefact

But I do like putting good food in my cakehole and chewing and swallowing and whatnot, so I got a cookbook from Crown Royale Publishing in exchange for the collection of words and paroxysms you are currently reading. Oh, shit! Did you see that? I used a big-as-fuck word. Yay me! [insert definition of paroxysms and don’t forget to delete this part when you add the definition and you forgot didn’t you?]. No. I didn’t forget. Stahp judging me.

par·ox·ysm

ˈperəkˌsizəm/ (looks like the word had a fucking seizure #truefact)

noun

plural noun: paroxysms

a sudden attack or violent expression of a particular emotion or activity.

This book gave me a sudden attack of hunger and I had to cuss like a motherfucker and get all emotional because I didn’t have a quarter of the goddamn shit you need to prepare the recipes in this bastard! Fuck! Anyway, I bet all this shit tastes fucking terrific. I bet I take a single bite and die from pleasure. They’ll have to mop me up to bury me.

A list of the shit I wanna try in this book includes:

Fish Stock (seriously, this book has stock recipes that gave me a boner just thinking about slurping them)

Miso Soup (because Japan)

Gluten-free chive crepes with avocado + smoked salmon (jesus christ, I just came)

Beet and Cherry smoothie (as if I didn’t have enough stained shirts)

and this shit, whatever it is…

Motherfuck! That’s some beautiful shit! That sauce is a wee bit disconcerting looking, but fuck it. I’mma try it!

In summation: If you like pictures of food and recipes you’ll never try because you’re on SNAP benefits and can’t afford anything but ramen and grocery-store brand bologna (holla if you hear me), I suggest getting this book from the library and rubbing your belly while it growls and you cry and cry and cry…

Final Judgment: I LIKE EATING!

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering...

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?”

― Don DeLillo

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“We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bother...

“We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?”

~Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1402621/post

My daughter’s first speed drawing. Original post: ...

My daughter’s first speed drawing.[image error]

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1401633/post

Alien: Out of the Shadows (An Audible Original Drama)

Note: This review is for the Audible Original Drama and not the Tim Lebbon novel by the same name, although this production is based on Lebbon’s text. 

 

Oy, this was fucking righteous. I wish more action/sci fi/horror authors went with this approach to their audiobooks. Yes, there is a need for fully-narrated, unabridged audiobooks. But some of this stuff doesn’t need it. Honestly, who’s reading Tim Lebbon for the writing? He’s an author-for-hire who does some original stuffs from time to time. I know him more from his Alien and Star Wars novels than I do any of his Leisure horror stuffs, like Berserk. I’m not knocking the guy for getting paid. Nothing wrong with cashing checks and paying your bills with words. What I’m getting at is – he’s not someone who’ll be winning prizes for his prose unless he drastically changes his writing style, and because of that, his storytelling fits this kind of audio drama.

The production quality of this piece is exceptional. It reminded me of kicking back with my grandmother and listening to her recordings of old radio productions, like Welles’s War of the Worlds, and that old radio drama The Shadow. Used to dig that shit, man. I need to see if I can find them again…

But I digress. My only complaint here is the hokey memory-wipe bullshit the author used to explain away why Ripley never mentioned this time of her life in future Alien sequels. The whole time I was listening to this, I was thinking, “He’s going to use some kind of drug to wipe her memory.” And while I wrong about the way they do it, I was not wrong that they were going to do it. A memory wipe is an overused, lazy tactic that pollutes damn near every prequel or paraquel in existence. Stop it. Please. Memory wipes went out of style with Mars-atmosphere, bugged-eyed Schwarzenegger. I know this is processed, sodium-packed canned fiction, that you’re not supposed to think while listening or reading, but the creator could have tried a little harder.

Oh, and that shit in the mines was fan-fucking-tastic. Very cool. I loved all that shit.

In summation: Action-y goodness blended with terrific production quality had me feeling like I was watching a long-lost Aliens movie in my brain parts. The lady who plays Ripley sounds just like Weaver, and Rutger Hauer does a great job as Ash. I’ll definitely be getting the sequels, when or if they do them this same way. Definitely recommended.

Final Judgment: Perfect for what it is, and it is what it is.

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edwardlorn.booklikes.com/post/1400272/alien-out-of-the-shadows-an-audible-original-drama